I've finally done it. I've hit rock bottom. I've been sobbing like a baby since I woke up this morning.

A little history: I've posted twice, both times after I had been through withdrawls and felt like I had my life back on track, and would never touch another one of those damn pills again. In fact my first post was this time last year, almost to the date! I was taking about 12-15 10/500's a day at that time, but did taper to about 5 a day before quitting CT. And the last time was in July appox. the same senerio as the first time.

This time I've been taking about 25-30 a day and am down to about 15-18 a day. Believe it or not I've always got from my Dr or his PA's. This time I went in and told them I had a dependency problem, and they put me on a slow taper program. Starting at 15 a day for a week then 14.5 for a week and 14 for a week, and so on. Do the math thats a lot of pills! He did only prescribe 4 weeks at a time. The thing is when I got a prescription for over 400 10/325's I started taking 15 at a time! Let me put it this way, That bottle of over 400 was gone in 12 days. So I went to the Doc's office and made up a story to get more. Well he decided that I should go to 8 a day for a week then 7 day for a week, and so on. Which was about 187 pills. I've been taking about 16-18 a day and will run out early next week.

What I'm getting at is I am scared of what is to come. Not only am I about to go through withdrawls that could possibly cause a seizure or worse, I've recently been laid off, don't have a job, today is the last day of my insurance. I am the one that brings in primary income. My wife is a stay at home mom with 2 year old son and we also have a 16 year old son. And they know nothing of my addiction, although I'm sure my wife suspects it. I love and care for my family so much I could not even begin to put into words what they mean to me. So I feel I am sinking and taking my family with me. In fact I plan on coming clean with my wife very soon. Even mabey after I'm done here.

I have never been in so much emotional pain in my life, I can't imagine what the withdrawls will add to it.

There is nothing else I have to say. I just don't know where to turn. I am a chritian, (although I don't feel like a very good one right now), and that the Lord will carry my burdens, but I'm afraid to say that is not helping right now. I do believe that he is with me and making this experience as bad as it is to confirm that I will never let it happen again.

My best to you all.

Iceman . . . things are already better for you today because you're deciding to try and get clean. Do you plan to go to any NA or AA meetings or get into other types of recovery programs? Since you're a Christian, maybe your church offers some counseling or 12 step type meetings? You're reaching out for help and God will help you and He loves you and your family. Have faith and hope . . . you can do this!

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I do plan on going to AA/NA that is another reason I have to come clean with my family. I know I can't do this alone. I need to be able to turn to others for love, support, and to make me accountable. I really feel if I would have just come clean with this in the past, I would not be in the position I'm in today.

Iceman . . . you are exactly where you're supposed to be today! When my husband came clean with me (the first time!!) I was actually relieved. I knew he had been depressed, etc. and I was relieved to know that there was a darn good reason for it . . . his opiate addiction! Since that day I've learned what I could about this disease and gotten into Al-Anon. I think you'll be surprised how supportive your family and friends will be, especially if they see you seeking help. Our friends and family really rallied around us. I know it's scary, but you'll feel better too. It's all a process and takes a lot of time, just do that "next right thing" . . . that's all that's expected of you!

[This message has been edited by Hopefortoday (edited 10-31-2003).]

IceMan;

You need to move fast as you are approaching a situation of withdrawal because you are going to run out of pills very soon. I'd say talk to your Dr but I think you have run out of rope with them and to be honest you don't have control or discipline for how many pills your taking per day. Unless you had control or restraint I don't think seeing your Dr will help, nor do I think your Dr is going to provide any more pills. I would suggest you seriously consider detox or getting into a Suboxone program now. Work with your Dr about a detox (in-house or home) program or go online and search for a Sub Dr in your area, give them a call and try and get into to see them prior to running out of pills. You may have to try several Sub Dr's if they are in your area to get in as quick as you may need to get in.

The sub will help control the cravings. It won't get you high so expect “no” high but it will provide “no” withdrawal and provide the energy level you will need and expect. I know you say you have hit rock bottom and for many of us that is what it takes for the light bulb to go off in the head and take action to stop taking the drugs but you really need to be totally dedicated to getting drug free or you will continue to relapse. Each time gets worse; it was the same for me, just as it has been for you. If you don't nip this in the bud this time, the next time you will be at a 40-50 pill per day intake. Taking this amount of pills is not very good for your liver. Actually taking more then 4000mg of Acetaminophen per day is over the daily ceiling/limit. So more then 12 10/325 hydros per day puts you at over the ceiling.

Now is your time, go for it and move towards a Suboxone program or detox quickly. I usually like to take a controlled approach to getting off drugs but your clock is running and you really do not have much time. Please do not take my comments any other way then positive, I really want you to get well but I want to be honest at the same time. You still have control IceMan, may not seem like it but you have control of your destiny, and today is the first day of the rest of your life. Throw away the past, its of no use at this point. Today and the future is now in your control, and trust me, when you take positive control and take action and get clean of the drugs your life will be so great and wonderful. It really will, guilt is gone, clock watching, pill thinking, Dr visits, etc…

Good luck Ice and let us know how we can help and how you make out.

phil

up

Iceman,
I can absolutely feel your pain. The roles are a little reversed in that I am a stay-home mother, but I was exactly where you are at one point. I was at a 20 a day Norco habit and after some time I became depressed, had a hard time finding "enough" pills, was having to plan my life/events around the number of pills I had, etc., etc. I tried to taper, too, and never could because I just didn't have the will power. I finally confessed all to my family and I went cold-turkey and made it about a week and went back to the pills because I could not handle taking care of three small children being as depressed and lethargic as I was. I finally turned to Subutex and have done great! (I didn't mean to ramble about my story-) I am a Christian, too, and like you, I felt so separated from God throughout my "abuse time." I felt unworthy to go to Him because I had been to Him so many times before saying "I promise it won't happen again," and ofcourse it did. But God does not want you to suffer like this, and I am sure if you told your wife and with her help and HIS, you can beat this. Like Phil said, maybe you could check into the Subutex/Suboxene or let your wife handle the rest of your pills and when you run out, ask your doctor for some meds that will make withdrawals a little easier (Catapress patch, maybe something for anxiety and sleep). Whatever you decide to do, know there are people who have been right where you are and have beat this and you can too! Let us know what you decide to do as I know many will be praying for you. Stay strong and believe that you can overcome this and one day use it to better yourself and the lives of others. Take care,

John 3:16

IceMan, I wanted to add typically you do not need to worry about seizures from abrupt discontinuance of opiates (Hydro) Benzo's have the potential to cause a seizure but usually not Hydro.

Also, as always Hope gives great insight and advise! A truly intelligent and wise woman!

phil

Baby steps ... taper, get off the pills one day and one pill at a time. Look for another job one want ad and interview at a time. Ask for help wherever you can get it. Remain positive, turn it over to God, he will take care of you if you let him and follow his plan. The pills won't provide anything but false, temporary releif. Keep your mind busy with positive efforts to find new employment, even if it means taking a job you would rather pass on while you look for the right one. Every thing happens for a good reason, you'll land where you are supposed to. Keep your faith and listen to the good angel on your shoulder. We'll pray for you, you're not alone and you can get through this and will be ok. I'm tapering too and having the same hard moments. Hitting bottom is step one, you'll get better from here.

Iceman..my heart goes out to you. This is deinately one of the hardest thing's (getting off the hydro's) that I have EVER done in my life. And my life hasn't been a breeze all the time. I too am still struggling and tapering and yes its hell.. .but a manageable hell now that I have gotten some help. And a temporary hell too...now that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It sounds like there is alot of love in your home, just from they way you talk I can feel that you would have a huge support system there if you can take the step to talk to your wife.

I myself am working with a Dr. to help me finish my taper. There are some good non-narcotic med's that can help you a Phil mentioned as well as the suboxone option. Just making that first call to get help was the hardest part for me. Once I made the call though it ALL got easier. Also knowing that you aren't the only one with this problem and it can happen to ANYONE has helped me alot. Know we have all been down this road....some of us are closer to the destination (sobriety) than others. At some point we have all been in the same painful place.

I am still very nervous to get to my first meeting AA/NA but I am getting closer and closer to making that much needed step too. Yesterday the Dr. told me "I can see and tell that you are a spirtual person and I STRONGLY suggest that you attend some meeting's". I never said a word about any kind of "faith" to him but he was right. So maybe AA/NA will not only help my addiction issues but also strengthen and renew my faith.

I have tried the CT route and I didn't know much about WD's at the time..I just thought I was having the worst case of the flu I had ever had. I didn't use any med's to help...I ended up back on the hydro's. Knowledge is definately power and as Phil said and yesterday the Dr. told me as well...WD's can't kill you or give you seizure's..they just make you FEEL like you are dying for a few days.

Sorry to ramble but your pain and story really struck me. You have lot's of support here and at home too ( I am sure). Please post and let us now how you are. We are all with you!

Iceman,

Hang in there, I've realized that there are many people out there like us, and that we can all be there for each other.

Rob

Hi ICEMAN,

I hope you're still checking this thread. As much as you have to worry about with the W/D that you'll be going through, I HIGHLY SUGGEST you get some blood tests done soon. I don't mean to freak you out or put more on your plate here, but with the amount of pain meds you've been taking, and all the tylenol in them, I would say you are at a very high risk for severe liver damage. As in, going into failure and needing a transplant I would think is very possible for you right now. I'm sorry, but you've just ingested an obscenely high amount of tylenol; frankly, with the amount you've already taken per day, I'm shocked you didn't kill yourself with them on any of those given days. You are at a dangerous level of toxicity. But some simple blood tests will be able to tell how your liver is currently functioning. Good luck

Mrs. IceMan here. I posted earlier that he has NO LIVER DAMAGE. Enzymes were normal. Can you believe what a blessing that is?!

Hi ICEMAN,

I hope you're still checking this thread. As much as you have to worry about with the W/D that you'll be going through, I HIGHLY SUGGEST you get some blood tests done soon. I don't mean to freak you out or put more on your plate here, but with the amount of pain meds you've been taking, and all the tylenol in them, I would say you are at a very high risk for severe liver damage. As in, going into failure and needing a transplant I would think is very possible for you right now. I'm sorry, but you've just ingested an obscenely high amount of tylenol; frankly, with the amount you've already taken per day, I'm shocked you didn't kill yourself with them on any of those given days. You are at a dangerous level of toxicity. But some simple blood tests will be able to tell how your liver is currently functioning. Good luck

It amazes me how much the body can take. I don't think I have ever heard of any liver damage being known here on the board. Maybe if that were more the case we all would think harder about doing it. Who knows. Have a good everyone--AllyMrs. IceMan here. I posted earlier that he has NO LIVER DAMAGE. Enzymes were normal. Can you believe what a blessing that is?!