Ariadne
09-03-2001, 02:04 AM
Hi - I am new to this board and I have a question. I have a friendship that I think has run it's course. I no longer get any pleasure out of this friendship and feel like I am constantly defending my actions as to why I didn't call him or ask him over to visit etc. Recently I told him I was invited to visit a trade fair with some people from work, and his first question was not "How was it?" like I would have asked but "Why didn't you ask me?"
We used to be quite good friends, although not for very long - about 12 months. He helped me cope with my breakup with my long term partner and I did need his support at that time. He did confess to having a "crush" on me several months ago. I feel as though he expected, and is still expecting, something to happen between us when I split up with my partner (I am female btw, and 6 years older than him - he is also very immature in his thoughts and argumentative - I feel like I am talking to my little brother)
The truth is I am not at all atracted to him and he can't understand why. He recently accused me of having changed after I split up with my partner (who I was in love with for years and years)- I asked him did he expect me to stay the same unhappy person!!?!!?!!
He is very clingy and needy for physical contact hugs, holding hands etc, but I can't bear for him to touch me. It is a gut reaction to pull away from him whenever he comes near me. I feel like a nasty cow for thinking these things, because he is a good person, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I would like to distance myself from him because he does not make me feel good. Does anyone have any advice?
I have tried explaining that I am too old for him, it isn't right for me, I have tried not answering his emails but this makes him beligerant and I get told off next time he sees me. We work in the same building and I feel like I have to avoid certain parts of the building to avoid running into him...
He has called and emailed me several times already today and I can only avoid answering the phone for so long.....Help me please!!
We used to be quite good friends, although not for very long - about 12 months. He helped me cope with my breakup with my long term partner and I did need his support at that time. He did confess to having a "crush" on me several months ago. I feel as though he expected, and is still expecting, something to happen between us when I split up with my partner (I am female btw, and 6 years older than him - he is also very immature in his thoughts and argumentative - I feel like I am talking to my little brother)
The truth is I am not at all atracted to him and he can't understand why. He recently accused me of having changed after I split up with my partner (who I was in love with for years and years)- I asked him did he expect me to stay the same unhappy person!!?!!?!!
He is very clingy and needy for physical contact hugs, holding hands etc, but I can't bear for him to touch me. It is a gut reaction to pull away from him whenever he comes near me. I feel like a nasty cow for thinking these things, because he is a good person, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I would like to distance myself from him because he does not make me feel good. Does anyone have any advice?
I have tried explaining that I am too old for him, it isn't right for me, I have tried not answering his emails but this makes him beligerant and I get told off next time he sees me. We work in the same building and I feel like I have to avoid certain parts of the building to avoid running into him...
He has called and emailed me several times already today and I can only avoid answering the phone for so long.....Help me please!!
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ILOVEARIZONA
09-03-2001, 12:24 PM
hi ariadne! g-day! i really don't know what to say but i read your post in the control freak section. thought it was nice. i sure hope you get this situation figured out. i can understand about not wanting to hurt his feelings. i felt that way in the past and that has gotten me in to trouble. i can see how it can be frustrating though especially since you think he is a nice person and you work in the same building. you say he can't understand why you're not attracted to him. is he not able to except that fact? have you explained things to him fully? i hope it works out for you.
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STEPHANIE :-)
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STEPHANIE :-)
Ariadne
09-03-2001, 08:13 PM
I have tried to explain it to him. About once a week is all I can handle of his company, as soon as I do make contact with him he is back to emailing me 20 times a day and I don't have time to reply so he gets cranky all over again! He is dealing with all the sorts of growing pains that 22 year olds deal with, and I'm past all that. I have my own problems to deal with without feeling obliged to try to solve his problems as well. Apart from the fact that everytime he has a cry on my shoulder he argues with any advice I try to give him. He is just too high maintenence for a friend. My last B/F was high maintenence as well and I just can't cope with it!!
He needs to find a girlfriend I think - and he's using me as his proxy girlfriend, but I've told him he can't transfer those feelings onto me because I don't reciprocate them!
Thanks for your reply tho... gradually I am thinking all this out! In the past it has never been this hard to drift away from someone. Usually both me and whatever friend recognise that the friendship has run it's course, and just let it go!
He needs to find a girlfriend I think - and he's using me as his proxy girlfriend, but I've told him he can't transfer those feelings onto me because I don't reciprocate them!
Thanks for your reply tho... gradually I am thinking all this out! In the past it has never been this hard to drift away from someone. Usually both me and whatever friend recognise that the friendship has run it's course, and just let it go!
islandia
10-04-2001, 11:01 PM
your "friend" was the emotional support that was lacking from your relationship with your boyfriend and you used him to make your self feel wanted always giving him just enough to keep him thinking he might get what he desired if you don't overlook the obvious fact that you are leading him on, you could cut him loose i'm sure he'd get over it and when he's found someone, if your ego can take that, that he wants and can have, you'll have the plutonic relationship you think you want
islandia
10-04-2001, 11:02 PM
try being blunt and direct
1stBarbi
10-05-2001, 12:10 AM
Ariadne,
From the tone of your posts it almost sounds like you are afraid of him. You at least are fearful of how he behaves when you back away.
Solution #1
I would sit down with him - if you are uncomfortable do it in a public place, i.e. restaraunt. Tell him exactly how you feel without letting him interupt and tell him if he continues in his harrassing ways you don't even want him as any kind of a friend. If he refuses tell him you will put a restraining order on him & he may end up having to find a new job.
Solution #2
Do you know his mom or dad & could have them talk to them? Sometimes coming from a third person it sinks in.
Solution #3
Set him up with someone & hope his fatal attraction moves on to someone else.
Solution #4
Become repulsive in his eyes - a slob, flirty with every other guy you see. Anything it takes to make him want to get the H*** away from you!
Good luck & God Bless,
Barbi
From the tone of your posts it almost sounds like you are afraid of him. You at least are fearful of how he behaves when you back away.
Solution #1
I would sit down with him - if you are uncomfortable do it in a public place, i.e. restaraunt. Tell him exactly how you feel without letting him interupt and tell him if he continues in his harrassing ways you don't even want him as any kind of a friend. If he refuses tell him you will put a restraining order on him & he may end up having to find a new job.
Solution #2
Do you know his mom or dad & could have them talk to them? Sometimes coming from a third person it sinks in.
Solution #3
Set him up with someone & hope his fatal attraction moves on to someone else.
Solution #4
Become repulsive in his eyes - a slob, flirty with every other guy you see. Anything it takes to make him want to get the H*** away from you!
Good luck & God Bless,
Barbi
Lynn893
10-12-2001, 10:11 PM
My advice would be to use his upset at you against him...
ie: The next time he starts being mad at you because you didn't answer the phone , his email, etc... I would say to him..."wait a sec... where do you get off.... I'm not your property... get a life and leave me alone!.... you can't just expect me to put up with your crap all the time.... I don't yell at you.... I'm not yours, you have no right to expect anything from me...."
Being really indignant and upset that he would dare to talk to you in that manner, and let him have it... both barrels... if your serious about getting rid of him, be serious! Be tough. Make it like a break up with a boyfriend. Just do it.
Peace :)
Good luck
Just do it!
ie: The next time he starts being mad at you because you didn't answer the phone , his email, etc... I would say to him..."wait a sec... where do you get off.... I'm not your property... get a life and leave me alone!.... you can't just expect me to put up with your crap all the time.... I don't yell at you.... I'm not yours, you have no right to expect anything from me...."
Being really indignant and upset that he would dare to talk to you in that manner, and let him have it... both barrels... if your serious about getting rid of him, be serious! Be tough. Make it like a break up with a boyfriend. Just do it.
Peace :)
Good luck
Just do it!
sweetwawa
10-13-2001, 12:36 AM
this is easy and hard at the same time.when i read this post for the 2nd time,i figured i'd respond.
firstly,i feel if you have any doubts at all, you should sever the friendship.i shoud follow my own advice.i am having trouble a man i know also.i coud write the same about him,but you know what i woud answer to myself in that case?if i can write to this forum about it,it must mean its time to change something.
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save face:)have
grace;find hope;
keep faith; end war..
firstly,i feel if you have any doubts at all, you should sever the friendship.i shoud follow my own advice.i am having trouble a man i know also.i coud write the same about him,but you know what i woud answer to myself in that case?if i can write to this forum about it,it must mean its time to change something.
------------------
save face:)have
grace;find hope;
keep faith; end war..
sweetwawa
10-13-2001, 12:37 AM
i woud say to end the friendship because i am in the middle of something similar myself.
i am on the fence about it but since reading your post realize that if i had written the same about my friend i would have advised myself to do the same.
------------------
save face:)have
grace;find hope;
keep faith; end war..
i am on the fence about it but since reading your post realize that if i had written the same about my friend i would have advised myself to do the same.
------------------
save face:)have
grace;find hope;
keep faith; end war..