indamnified
08-28-2001, 05:44 PM
I've been married to my husband for 7 years last week. It's been a very hard 7 years due to many different issues including, but not limited to his alcoholism, physical mental abuse, calling other women, money issues, and my jealousy, etc. About 3 weeks ago, he came home from work, and didn't talk to me. Three days passed, and he still had nothing to say, so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing was wrong, that he was tired, and wanted to go to sleep. So I let it go. That Sunday morning, he still wasn't talking to me, so I asked again. He said that it had to do with him wanting to go drink (he's been sober for almost 3 years), and he was just "in a mood". I accepted that. But when we got to his parents' house later that day, he said he needed to talk to me about something. We went into a bedroom where he flat out told me that he is no longer in love with me, that he isn't happy with where our life is going, and that he wants to start using Rogaine, and he wants a divorce. (???) Of course, this hit me pretty hard. First thing I thought was "AFFAIR". Second thing I thought was "PRE-MIDLIFE CRISIS" (he's only 29). Then as the days passed, I thought I had done something wrong. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This wouldn't be such a difficult time if we didn't have a 6 yr old son. I would pack his things and toss them out on the lawn and bid him farewell. But that can't happen. I swore I would never beg anyone for anything, but I did beg him to think of his family before making such a rash decision. He said that he is a selfish person, and the only person he thinks of above himself is our son. Well, I have a hard time seeing that.
We have since been able to discuss things further, and he still says he's no longer in love with me, but he's willing to give the marriage some time before he makes his final decision. Do I want that? Of course, for my son, I would like for him to stay, but, if he's not in love with me, I don't know that I can continue pretending. I deserve better than this after all we've been through. Our son deserves better.
This obviously isn't the full story. This is just a brief (HA!) description of my problem. I don't think there is anyone out there who can give me a definitive answer on what I should do, but I thought maybe getting it off my chest might alleviate my pain.
I don't ask for much. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want my husband to be open and honest with me and quit hiding things and lying. And I want my son to be healthy and happy. Is that so much to ask?
We have since been able to discuss things further, and he still says he's no longer in love with me, but he's willing to give the marriage some time before he makes his final decision. Do I want that? Of course, for my son, I would like for him to stay, but, if he's not in love with me, I don't know that I can continue pretending. I deserve better than this after all we've been through. Our son deserves better.
This obviously isn't the full story. This is just a brief (HA!) description of my problem. I don't think there is anyone out there who can give me a definitive answer on what I should do, but I thought maybe getting it off my chest might alleviate my pain.
I don't ask for much. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want my husband to be open and honest with me and quit hiding things and lying. And I want my son to be healthy and happy. Is that so much to ask?
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wearesiamese
08-28-2001, 06:19 PM
Wow, that sucks. But about your son.... I've heard many kids from divorced families say that the divorce was more preferable than living in a tense household where the parents aren't in love and aren't getting along. He's only 6 now, but before long he'll be old enough to know what's going on, and that your husband is running around with other women, etc. This is not the type of role model you need for your son. Perhaps your husband is a good dad, and he can still be a good dad if you guys split up, but he won't be a good example of what it means to be a husband. Before you decide to sacrifice the rest of your happiness so your son won't be hurt, do a little research as to what is better for kids-- two good parents living apart, or a mom and dad fighting all the time in the same house.
BJ24
08-29-2001, 04:01 PM
My heart goes out to you. I couldn't imagine what your going though. I would tell you that I wouldn't want to be in a loveless marriage, anyway you look at it. I agree with the person above about children. I think your sone would rather have his parents separated and friends then living in a house like that. Girl, it is time for you to think about YOU and what you need and want. YOu know your going to take care of your son but you also need to take care of you!! You have to belive that you DESERVE the best, you deserve to have someone love you completely. YOu follow your heart and things will work out.
I wich you and your son the best..
I wich you and your son the best..
Sallen
08-29-2001, 09:13 PM
My heart goes out to you. My daughter was six years old when my husband announced he was in love with someone else, so I know you're hurting. If it's any comfort, my daughter is now a wonderful, well adjusted 27 year old just starting her own marriage. Difficult as it was, I do not regret leaving the man. And I have no complaints now about him as a father...despite *our* differences, it was always there for our kid. As for the idea that at six they don't notice...believe me, they notice, or so my daughter tells me. She has said it was actually a 'relief' when we split....no more laying awake at night hearing us argue, ect. As has been said, the most important thing is doing what is best for your child....*and* for you. My prayers are with you....
peaceofmind
09-01-2001, 12:18 PM
I agree with the others in their sympathy towards you, as well as the notion that your son needs a better role model. My parents were divorced when I was one, and since they had a severly disfunctional relationship, the time I spent away from them was the only thing that preserved my sanity growing up.
Your husband is not bonded to you and that is not repairable. My dad was not bonded to my mom, and I naturally gravitated towards un-bondable people for years without realizing it. That type of relationship is subtly abusive and contains dishonesty. Your son is already at risk for continuing this cycle.
It's never easy to just "get out". Seek truthfullness (which included being honest to yourself), and find healthy interactions with people. It's possible that normal, caring people are just passing you by because you are comfortable in a disfunctional life. You owe more to yourself, and to your son. Pray, seek advice (not from friends who also have problems like yours - that's why their still IN their problems), and act.
Good luck and God bless.
Your husband is not bonded to you and that is not repairable. My dad was not bonded to my mom, and I naturally gravitated towards un-bondable people for years without realizing it. That type of relationship is subtly abusive and contains dishonesty. Your son is already at risk for continuing this cycle.
It's never easy to just "get out". Seek truthfullness (which included being honest to yourself), and find healthy interactions with people. It's possible that normal, caring people are just passing you by because you are comfortable in a disfunctional life. You owe more to yourself, and to your son. Pray, seek advice (not from friends who also have problems like yours - that's why their still IN their problems), and act.
Good luck and God bless.
indamnified
10-17-2001, 09:34 PM
Just a little update on my situation - after going through these many weeks of being verbally and mentally abused, finding out that he had been lying to me about his drinking, and then telling me that I'm good enough to have sex with but not good enough to love, I started making it very clear to him that we are done. He picked the date when he's going to leave, and I began to feel very relieved and much more in control than I have in a very long time.
Lo and behold, what does he ask me out of the blue last night? "Hypothetical situation: what would you do if I was to get down on my knees and beg you to forgive me?"
I just don't get it. His moods change from moment to moment - one minute he wants me, the next he is walking out the door. I'm concerned he may be suffering from some sort of mental disorder (bi-polar? depression? schitzophrenia?) I'm not well-versed enough in this particular area, so I can't even make an educated guess.
I asked him if he'd be willing to seek the assistance of a doctor to help figure out what (if anything) is wrong, and if he'd also be willing to see a marriage counselor. He agreed. I made certain to let him know that doing these things is not a guarantee that we will work our marriage out, but it certainly won't hurt anything to try it out. At least there will be someone there to "mediate" so to speak.
So that's where we stand as of right now. I thank you all for your support and kind words, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date.
Lo and behold, what does he ask me out of the blue last night? "Hypothetical situation: what would you do if I was to get down on my knees and beg you to forgive me?"
I just don't get it. His moods change from moment to moment - one minute he wants me, the next he is walking out the door. I'm concerned he may be suffering from some sort of mental disorder (bi-polar? depression? schitzophrenia?) I'm not well-versed enough in this particular area, so I can't even make an educated guess.
I asked him if he'd be willing to seek the assistance of a doctor to help figure out what (if anything) is wrong, and if he'd also be willing to see a marriage counselor. He agreed. I made certain to let him know that doing these things is not a guarantee that we will work our marriage out, but it certainly won't hurt anything to try it out. At least there will be someone there to "mediate" so to speak.
So that's where we stand as of right now. I thank you all for your support and kind words, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date.
mikesgirl
10-18-2001, 10:01 AM
If he truly loves you and wants to work things out, that is one thing. But if he is just afraid of being alone, or of seeing you make it on your own, that is a whole other story. I have been in this situation, I went back twice, believing that the man would change. He didn't. Once I finally got out, I felt so much better, and freer. Now I am with someone who loves me very much, just the way I am, and you cannot believe the difference. I don't want to discourage you if this is something that you really want...but is it? You said earlier that you deserve better, and you do. And so does your son. I wish you the best of luck...K
[This message has been edited by mikesgirl (edited 10-18-2001).]
[This message has been edited by mikesgirl (edited 10-18-2001).]
sweet37
10-22-2001, 06:24 PM
Sorry to hear about your pain. Only you can decide what is best for you. It isn't easy. I stood by my ex through rehab for the drugs and alcohol and all he did was got better at hiding the alcohol and drugs from me. I was never so depressed in my life. I know leaving was the best thing for me, needed to for my own sanity. Well take care, and seek counseling for yourself if it gets to be too much for you. Good Luck!!!