Lynn893
06-21-2001, 10:48 PM
I need to vent a bit today.....
I've had the most absolute horrible week of my entire life....
I'm going to tell my story... I need to get it out... I'm sooo sad....and heartbroken....
My beloved Father died suddenly last Thursday of an Aorta rupture.
I received a phone call at 12:35 last Thursday from a heart surgen at the hospital,
my Father was in horrible shape.... his aorta had ruptured....very badly....he had to go into surgery RIGHT AWAY... but still his chances were less than 50% to come out of the operation.... and if he did... he had less than 50% chance of making it through the recovery..... I thrust the phone at my S/O as my heart was breaking, I was crying so hard that I could no longer talk to the surgen... I ran into the bathroom, feeling like my world was crashing down upon my head, I was close to being hysterical... all I could think of was.... did I tell him how much he meant to me the last time I saw him???? My S/O came into the bathroom, told me he had called my Mother, she was on her way over to look after my children until my other babysitter got off work... [my parents divorced when I was 10 - it was messy and my Mother told us all kinds of horror stories about my Father... I lost alot of years with him - my teen years because I thought he didn't care about us.... but that changed when I found myself homeless at 19 after a horrible fight with my then b/f who beat me up and kicked me out...(even though I was the only one working and paying all the bills!!!).... it was my Father whom I turned to... cause deep down inside... I knew he loved me.... he took me in with no questions... and when I found out I was pregnant not two weeks later... he sat me down and asked if I wanted to try again with the b/f... it was my choice... I could stay in my Father's home (which would always be MY home also... or I could try again for the baby.... I told him what had happened.... the beatings... the emotional abuse.... he was going to kill him... I had to restrain him from going to the b/f's place then..... we had another long talk about what I would do..... he made some rules for me in regards to saving my money (instead of paying rent or food).... he painted his entire apartment for me.... he went and bought new furniture including a sofa bed.... and gave me his bedroom..... I live with him for seven months.... I got to know the man he was.... and I loved him sooo much... he was the smartest, kindest, bravest man I know.... and he was my hero. I had to move out just before I had the baby because he was schedualed for heart surgery. He had Mitral Valve replacement surgery. It was a hard recovery... and I was soo scared for him back then (1990) but he made it.... and it didn't change him... he still had girlfriends, friends, long walks, dart games, cards, and all the other little pleasures that life brings.... he had a new granddaughter and a daughter who thought the world of him.....]
I got to the hospital on Thursday.... about 10 minutes after they got him into the O.R., so I never got to kiss him, or tell him that I was there for him.... to tell him that I love him... the volunteer at the desk told us (my two sisters, my s/o and myself) the the doctors said the surgery should last about 5 hours.... and the longer they were in the O.R. the better for my Father.... so we waited.... and waited...after 4 hours we began to hope.... my mother and older sister went out for some air... my s/o went out for a smoke.... my baby sister and I got called in to talk to the surgen.... we went ....just the two of us... holding hands like little children...praying for the best.... hoping beyond hope.... we were seated in this little room.... about 5 minutes later the surgen came in.... he looked at us and said... I'm soo sorry.... we fixed the rupture.... but there was soo much other damage that he didn't make it......
....we just looked at him.... not wanting to believe.... but knowing it to be the truth.... my daddy was gone.... oh God..... he was gone... and there was nothing that could be done..... the surgen started telling us about the surgery.... the damage... and what he tried to do.... but my mind was gone.... my daddy was dead, and I felt like dying myself.... the pain was so enormous... I couldn't breathe.... I couldn't understand how this could happen....my daddy was just over to give my children presents two weeks before for my son's 4th birthday (everyone got a gift on a birthday - not just birthday child - that way nobody was left out or hurt and jealous [that was my daddy's motto]) and he was fine!!!! HE WAS FINE JUST TWO WEEKS AGO!!!!!! ......after awhile the surgen left..... then my s/o came in.... he took one look at me and knew.... then my mother and older sister came in.... I didn't know what to say .... so I just told them.... Daddy's gone..... he didn't make it..... the damage was too great.... the doctor tried really hard..... but he's gone.... and even as I said the words.... I didn't want to believe them...
....we went in and said our goodbyes to my daddy..... a priest came in and said the last rites for him.... I just stood there... looking at my daddy... thinking that this just WAS NOT happening....
when we finally left the hospital... I felt soo guilty leaving him there.... I cannot describe how horrible I felt knowing that they were going to put my daddy in the morgue.... he would be cold... and alone.... (I knew he was no longer there to know these things... but I still couldn't shake those feelings).... I bawled like a baby the entire drive..... we went to my fathers home..... to see if we could find out some information about what he wanted in case this happened.... it was horrible.... going through his stuff... knowing he was never coming back....
.... I made all the arrangements to take care of my daddy.... his funeral.... his apartment..... everything was left up to me to do.... or was everyone glad when I stepped up and took care of things so they didn't have to? .... I think that my Father would have been please with what I did for him.... I tried to stay strong.... I took care of him... like he took care of me....
I will miss him...
....he was my hero.... and I love him very much.....
....and he will be sadly missed by his three grand children...... he will live on always through me and my babies....
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.... it's taken over an hour to type....I keep stopping to bawl.... it's been one week tonight since his death.... and it is still so unreal.... I cannot believe that he's gone.... tomorrow I go back and pick up his ashes...
I've had the most absolute horrible week of my entire life....
I'm going to tell my story... I need to get it out... I'm sooo sad....and heartbroken....
My beloved Father died suddenly last Thursday of an Aorta rupture.
I received a phone call at 12:35 last Thursday from a heart surgen at the hospital,
my Father was in horrible shape.... his aorta had ruptured....very badly....he had to go into surgery RIGHT AWAY... but still his chances were less than 50% to come out of the operation.... and if he did... he had less than 50% chance of making it through the recovery..... I thrust the phone at my S/O as my heart was breaking, I was crying so hard that I could no longer talk to the surgen... I ran into the bathroom, feeling like my world was crashing down upon my head, I was close to being hysterical... all I could think of was.... did I tell him how much he meant to me the last time I saw him???? My S/O came into the bathroom, told me he had called my Mother, she was on her way over to look after my children until my other babysitter got off work... [my parents divorced when I was 10 - it was messy and my Mother told us all kinds of horror stories about my Father... I lost alot of years with him - my teen years because I thought he didn't care about us.... but that changed when I found myself homeless at 19 after a horrible fight with my then b/f who beat me up and kicked me out...(even though I was the only one working and paying all the bills!!!).... it was my Father whom I turned to... cause deep down inside... I knew he loved me.... he took me in with no questions... and when I found out I was pregnant not two weeks later... he sat me down and asked if I wanted to try again with the b/f... it was my choice... I could stay in my Father's home (which would always be MY home also... or I could try again for the baby.... I told him what had happened.... the beatings... the emotional abuse.... he was going to kill him... I had to restrain him from going to the b/f's place then..... we had another long talk about what I would do..... he made some rules for me in regards to saving my money (instead of paying rent or food).... he painted his entire apartment for me.... he went and bought new furniture including a sofa bed.... and gave me his bedroom..... I live with him for seven months.... I got to know the man he was.... and I loved him sooo much... he was the smartest, kindest, bravest man I know.... and he was my hero. I had to move out just before I had the baby because he was schedualed for heart surgery. He had Mitral Valve replacement surgery. It was a hard recovery... and I was soo scared for him back then (1990) but he made it.... and it didn't change him... he still had girlfriends, friends, long walks, dart games, cards, and all the other little pleasures that life brings.... he had a new granddaughter and a daughter who thought the world of him.....]
I got to the hospital on Thursday.... about 10 minutes after they got him into the O.R., so I never got to kiss him, or tell him that I was there for him.... to tell him that I love him... the volunteer at the desk told us (my two sisters, my s/o and myself) the the doctors said the surgery should last about 5 hours.... and the longer they were in the O.R. the better for my Father.... so we waited.... and waited...after 4 hours we began to hope.... my mother and older sister went out for some air... my s/o went out for a smoke.... my baby sister and I got called in to talk to the surgen.... we went ....just the two of us... holding hands like little children...praying for the best.... hoping beyond hope.... we were seated in this little room.... about 5 minutes later the surgen came in.... he looked at us and said... I'm soo sorry.... we fixed the rupture.... but there was soo much other damage that he didn't make it......
....we just looked at him.... not wanting to believe.... but knowing it to be the truth.... my daddy was gone.... oh God..... he was gone... and there was nothing that could be done..... the surgen started telling us about the surgery.... the damage... and what he tried to do.... but my mind was gone.... my daddy was dead, and I felt like dying myself.... the pain was so enormous... I couldn't breathe.... I couldn't understand how this could happen....my daddy was just over to give my children presents two weeks before for my son's 4th birthday (everyone got a gift on a birthday - not just birthday child - that way nobody was left out or hurt and jealous [that was my daddy's motto]) and he was fine!!!! HE WAS FINE JUST TWO WEEKS AGO!!!!!! ......after awhile the surgen left..... then my s/o came in.... he took one look at me and knew.... then my mother and older sister came in.... I didn't know what to say .... so I just told them.... Daddy's gone..... he didn't make it..... the damage was too great.... the doctor tried really hard..... but he's gone.... and even as I said the words.... I didn't want to believe them...
....we went in and said our goodbyes to my daddy..... a priest came in and said the last rites for him.... I just stood there... looking at my daddy... thinking that this just WAS NOT happening....
when we finally left the hospital... I felt soo guilty leaving him there.... I cannot describe how horrible I felt knowing that they were going to put my daddy in the morgue.... he would be cold... and alone.... (I knew he was no longer there to know these things... but I still couldn't shake those feelings).... I bawled like a baby the entire drive..... we went to my fathers home..... to see if we could find out some information about what he wanted in case this happened.... it was horrible.... going through his stuff... knowing he was never coming back....
.... I made all the arrangements to take care of my daddy.... his funeral.... his apartment..... everything was left up to me to do.... or was everyone glad when I stepped up and took care of things so they didn't have to? .... I think that my Father would have been please with what I did for him.... I tried to stay strong.... I took care of him... like he took care of me....
I will miss him...
....he was my hero.... and I love him very much.....
....and he will be sadly missed by his three grand children...... he will live on always through me and my babies....
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.... it's taken over an hour to type....I keep stopping to bawl.... it's been one week tonight since his death.... and it is still so unreal.... I cannot believe that he's gone.... tomorrow I go back and pick up his ashes...
Sponsor
Misery
06-21-2001, 11:05 PM
Hi Lyn893,
I just read your post and I'm very sorry that this happened (though it would happen sooner or later, but we all hope for later) *hugs* It made me cry. I really hope things work out for you after what happened, but for now I think it's best to grieve and let everything out. Cry all you want, you may feel better afterwards.
Good luck to you and your family and stay strong.
I just read your post and I'm very sorry that this happened (though it would happen sooner or later, but we all hope for later) *hugs* It made me cry. I really hope things work out for you after what happened, but for now I think it's best to grieve and let everything out. Cry all you want, you may feel better afterwards.
Good luck to you and your family and stay strong.
eweejoe
06-21-2001, 11:10 PM
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 1990 when I was only 22. I truly can feel your pain and I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I was very close to my mom and I felt the exact same stuff you are feeling when she died. A part of me died. Where was the reason for this? One of the most precious people I knew was gone. I know it probably doesn't help you much, but I did want to tell you how I finally came to grips with my mom's death and accepted it. I realized that I was truly blessed to have been touched by her presence for the time that I was and even though the pain was almost unbearable at the time, it was truly worth it just to have known her. My mom never got to meet my kids, more importantly, they never got to meet her, but I truly feel like she's their guardian angel. Your dad touched your life in a very positive, caring way. He sounds like he was a very loving, compassionate person. Carry that with you and pass it onto your children so that they will be like him. What better tribute to his memory? Life will never be the same without him, but because of him it is better. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Take Care!
Sherri.
Take Care!
Sherri.
picca
06-21-2001, 11:15 PM
My deepest sympathys and understanding, my father too was my hero, and 2yrs ago he died at home in front of me, while I was giving him cpr he took his lifes last breath in my face.
I understand your pain of the suddeness of it and how hard it was to be the one who was strong. HUG.....
I wish I could tell you words of wisdom from one who's been there but, I know that you hurt from your soul and right now you need to cry and get angry at the senslessness of it.
I can only offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with.
Angels wings around you.
With love Picca
I understand your pain of the suddeness of it and how hard it was to be the one who was strong. HUG.....
I wish I could tell you words of wisdom from one who's been there but, I know that you hurt from your soul and right now you need to cry and get angry at the senslessness of it.
I can only offer you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with.
Angels wings around you.
With love Picca
starr
06-22-2001, 11:19 AM
Dear Lynn, I know there is not much to say at a time like this except how sorry I am for your pain. What has touched me so.. is the love you shared and have for you DAD. My Dad died at 49, had a massive coronary at 37, disabled after that, and since I was only 11 at the first episode, I was too young to understand. I then rebelled, and was confused, and his medications didn't help him to be a nice person at the time, and I'm sure, looking back, he was confused and angered, being so young and all. Well, he died, I never cried. We never had a funeral or any service. Mom gave his body to science. To me at the time, it really wasn't real, or something, because I guess I just put it away in my mind, like he never existed.We had alot of turmoil, me being a teenager during his illness. Now, I'm 42, he died over 20 yrs ago, my kids don't have a grandfather, I'm seeing alot that I didn't realize before, wished I had seen then.
Life is so hard and so short, I'm so sorry your DAD had to be taken to the Lord at this time, we always want to know why? And then theres the ifs.....
You are a very insightful person, you gave your Dad the love that you had for him, he knew that you loved him, my DAD didn't, cause I didn't even know if I did. He had been mean to me, mentally, but not sexually or physically.
Just know, that at this difficult time in your life that as hard as this loss is to accept, there is a REASON for this, even though we cannot understand it at this time. Your DAD loves you and knows how much you love him and will miss him here on earth, and how much your kids will miss him and miss his love. You will make it and be stronger and he will live in you.
Again, Lynn, I just wish you the strength to get through this time, you will make it! XXXOOWendy
Life is so hard and so short, I'm so sorry your DAD had to be taken to the Lord at this time, we always want to know why? And then theres the ifs.....
You are a very insightful person, you gave your Dad the love that you had for him, he knew that you loved him, my DAD didn't, cause I didn't even know if I did. He had been mean to me, mentally, but not sexually or physically.
Just know, that at this difficult time in your life that as hard as this loss is to accept, there is a REASON for this, even though we cannot understand it at this time. Your DAD loves you and knows how much you love him and will miss him here on earth, and how much your kids will miss him and miss his love. You will make it and be stronger and he will live in you.
Again, Lynn, I just wish you the strength to get through this time, you will make it! XXXOOWendy
Lori
06-22-2001, 12:41 PM
Lynn893,
I am so sorry about your father's death :( I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now. My mother is my best friend and the best person on this earth, she has been having some health problems lately and I often think of what would I do, where would I be if she was gone. I would be so lost without her love there. Your father KNEW you loved him, take comfort in that. He knew you were there for him. Makes us all put things in perspective. I am going as soon as I can to see my mom and hold her. Hang in there Lynn893, I pray for you.
Lori
I am so sorry about your father's death :( I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now. My mother is my best friend and the best person on this earth, she has been having some health problems lately and I often think of what would I do, where would I be if she was gone. I would be so lost without her love there. Your father KNEW you loved him, take comfort in that. He knew you were there for him. Makes us all put things in perspective. I am going as soon as I can to see my mom and hold her. Hang in there Lynn893, I pray for you.
Lori
Brookej
06-22-2001, 08:48 PM
Dear Lynn893,
I am so sorry to read about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. I lost my dad to cancer 20 years ago. Because he had cancer, I had the chance to tell him how much I loved him, cared for him, and how much he meant to me. He knew that anyway and so did your dad. I considered my dad to be the kindest and most loving person I have ever known. How many times I wish my husband could have met my dad and I would feel the same way about my children meeting my dad if I had any. I know your pain is very deep right now but the daily , constant pain will ease with time. I am so glad you got the opportunity to get to know your dad. I went through a period of time where I didn't want to add anyone to the list of people I love because I couldn't bear the thought of losing anyone else but it is much better to love people deeply than to shut out love. You will always have great memories of him - those can't be taken away. Even after 20 years, I still miss my dad so much. Around Christmas time last year, I was looking at pictures of my dad from the past - he had the biggest smile in the world. The pictures really captured the essence of my dad and I just started crying because at that moment, I still couldn't believe he was gone. If I dream about my dad, I wake up crying - wishing the dream had not ended. My mom says she feels good when she dreams about dad but everyone is different - I cry because it reminds me of how much I still miss him. I talk to my mom almost everyday on the phone and I see her once or twice a week (fortunately she lives very close to where I live). I always end a visit or phone call with "I love you" as does she. I always tell my husband as often as I can that I love him - like before I fall asleep, when he leaves for work, etc. I lost a sister-in-law I was very close to a few years ago - she died suddenly. I almost called her the evening before but I was tired and decided not to call her that evening. How I wished I had called her to have that one last conversation with her. Cancer is awful but at least it gives one the opportunity to say goodbye. Sudden, unexpected death is so difficult to cope with because there is so many feelings of wishing you had said or done something that you never got the chance to say or do but you dad knew how much you loved him and he will always be with you. I know I can't ease you pain but I wanted you to know how much I care. There are many others out there who care but many may not have the time to let you know on this message board. I do have the time. I am praying for you. Take care of yourself and your significant others and God Bless.
Sincerely,
Brookej
I am so sorry to read about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. I lost my dad to cancer 20 years ago. Because he had cancer, I had the chance to tell him how much I loved him, cared for him, and how much he meant to me. He knew that anyway and so did your dad. I considered my dad to be the kindest and most loving person I have ever known. How many times I wish my husband could have met my dad and I would feel the same way about my children meeting my dad if I had any. I know your pain is very deep right now but the daily , constant pain will ease with time. I am so glad you got the opportunity to get to know your dad. I went through a period of time where I didn't want to add anyone to the list of people I love because I couldn't bear the thought of losing anyone else but it is much better to love people deeply than to shut out love. You will always have great memories of him - those can't be taken away. Even after 20 years, I still miss my dad so much. Around Christmas time last year, I was looking at pictures of my dad from the past - he had the biggest smile in the world. The pictures really captured the essence of my dad and I just started crying because at that moment, I still couldn't believe he was gone. If I dream about my dad, I wake up crying - wishing the dream had not ended. My mom says she feels good when she dreams about dad but everyone is different - I cry because it reminds me of how much I still miss him. I talk to my mom almost everyday on the phone and I see her once or twice a week (fortunately she lives very close to where I live). I always end a visit or phone call with "I love you" as does she. I always tell my husband as often as I can that I love him - like before I fall asleep, when he leaves for work, etc. I lost a sister-in-law I was very close to a few years ago - she died suddenly. I almost called her the evening before but I was tired and decided not to call her that evening. How I wished I had called her to have that one last conversation with her. Cancer is awful but at least it gives one the opportunity to say goodbye. Sudden, unexpected death is so difficult to cope with because there is so many feelings of wishing you had said or done something that you never got the chance to say or do but you dad knew how much you loved him and he will always be with you. I know I can't ease you pain but I wanted you to know how much I care. There are many others out there who care but many may not have the time to let you know on this message board. I do have the time. I am praying for you. Take care of yourself and your significant others and God Bless.
Sincerely,
Brookej
redfox
06-28-2001, 05:06 PM
Lynn, I was just wondering how you were doing. I know how rotten it is to lose a parent. Are you doing OK? Make sure you stick together with your family-- it really helps.
Lynn893
06-28-2001, 05:34 PM
It's been two weeks today since his death... it's very hard... but I feel like he is here with me... I have his ashes here... they are providing some comfort...
I was thinking of posting again about my father.... I'm in the middle of typing it now as we speak.... it helps writing about him...
I miss him... but I know that he is in a good place.....
Peace :)
I was thinking of posting again about my father.... I'm in the middle of typing it now as we speak.... it helps writing about him...
I miss him... but I know that he is in a good place.....
Peace :)
Lynn893
08-10-2001, 10:12 PM
On the 14th it will be 2 months since my father passed away. In my last post, I said that I was writing something else about him... here it is.
June 30th...It's been two weeks this evening since my beloved Father passed away...I'd like to get his funeral off my mind...so I'm gonna write my feelings about him...
My daddy worked at Goodyear as a Chief Fire Inspector for 13 years... until he had Mitral Valve Replacement surgery 11 years ago... he pulled through.... which (to be honest) we didn't think he would.... he was on alot of medications so he wouldn't reject the valve they put in his heart.... he became permanently disable due to the medications he was on…...they messed up the tendons in his hands.... the tendons started shrinking... so his fingers became "clawed"... (dupuy trens contracture is the medical term for it)...after a few years... they became so bad that he could no longer open his hands... his fingers had clawed into fists almost... so they amputated his pinky and ring fingers on his right hand.... yes... he was right handed.... the surgery relieved some of the clawing.... but not enough for him to straighten his fingers out.... so he put up with it... then his left hand started getting bad.....
He had to give up alot of the things that he loved to do.... darts....card games..... working on/building/ rebuilding cars, trucks and boats.... he was an overall handyman..... if you had a problem... you called Gus.... your washing machine didn't work... he'd fix it..... put up your ceiling fans.... people were always calling him up..."I've got this problem, can you help?".... and he'd always go and do the job.... until these past two years because of his hands....
Don't mind me.... I'm just rambling about my dad for a bit, OK?
My daddy got to know his three grandchildren.... He loved them sooo much, and they returned that love a hundred fold….
I thank God every day that my babies got to know their Papa Gus…..he'd come downtown to visit at least once a month.... it would take him an hour to get here.... but he'd only stay 20 minutes to an hour.... that's how he was.... he'd never accept my invitations to dinner, whether it was formal or casual, Christmas, thanksgiving, he'd never accept..... that's just how he was.... but it would bother me to no end.... but it wouldn't, if you know what I mean.... he didn't want me bringing the kids down to his place.... cause then he'd have to clean.... he had tools everywhere.... and his medications were out so he didn't forget to take them.... and he told me it would be too much for me to get to him by public transit with the three of the kids especially now with my hand.... so he'd come visit us….
My daddy died on Thursday June 14th 2001 around 6 pm after extensive surgery to repair his heart….. nobody got a chance to say good-bye to him….
I pray to him now… and ask him to never forget us….. cause we'll never forget him….
My Daddy's Funeral
My Daddy's viewing was on Monday, June 18. In the afternoon and again in the evening….. the people who knew him came to say their good-byes…. There were lots of tears…. I had made up two bulletin boards full of pictures of him….. his wedding, back in '65…. Him with his girls….him with his grandbabies…. Just pictures of my daddy's life…. It was such a hard day….. with an even harder day to follow… we were to be at the funeral home for 10 am…. his service was for 11 am…..
It was 10:52 am…. and finally my baby sister walks in….. half in the bag…. So hung over that she was still drunk and she reeked!….. I'd never been sooo angry in my entire like…. Why would she do this, today of all fuc*en days?????…… I wanted to punch her right in the mouth to wake her up to the pain she was causing…. She knows how I feel about drinking (especially that much)….. and the disrespect that I feel she showed by doing that, I can never forgive her for this…..
….so, she's hugging people, slurring all over them, stinking of booze,….. and the priest comes over who'll be doing the service… I wanted to tell her to go away… I would handle things… but she's right there…. Slurring away….so, we're called to go into the service…. My daughter got all upset and runs down to the bathroom, crying….. I go down to get her…. We go into the chapel area of the funeral home…. My daughter darts into one of the pews near the back… I go in and tell her that as family, we should sit at the front out of respect for Papa Gus…. She' crying, not listening to me, starting to argue… so I got up and walked out and got my husband, who talked to her and then came up front with us. Well, my half-in-the-bag-still sister, comes into the pew, stepping over us all and walks to the end with her boyfriend. The service begins….. it's hard…. I kept drowning out the priest to concentrate on my Father…. Getting his wings…. Going through the gates of Heaven…. Being reunited with all his loved ones that left before him…. Then my half-in-the-bag-still sister and her boyfriend get up and go to the front to say a few things…. She starts reading this nice thing that she had written… but she's stumbling and crying… so her B/F jumps in… and starts talking…. Stupid things (Yo, Papa Bear.. wassup?)… loudly…. (I felt like standing up and telling them to go and sit their stupid asses down!!!) then my sister kinda hushes him, and continues her little goodbye to daddy…. Then the B/F starts singing this song!!!!!!!! Loudly….. I was mortified! and I could see my Father laughing in heaven…. My daughter looked at me, and told me that they were embarrassing her and that the B/F was acting like a jerk!….. They were finally finished embarrassing themselves and the family and came and sat down…..then the service was over…. I went up to his casket with my husband and daughter to get our crosses blessed,… and I just kept apologizing to my daddy for what had just happened…. Over and over, I kept telling him I was sorry, I was so sorry….
So, we left the service… and said goodbye to the people who came to say goodbye to my daddy…. My baby sister's B/F kept hitting my daughter on the head with a rolled up paper (classy, eh?) My daughter was getting very upset (as if she wasn't upset enough, now to have to put up with this goof) and finally came to me and asked me to make him stop…. I asked him to cool it, and not a minute later… he started again…. So I took his rolled up paper and hit him on the head (oh, I wanted to slug him, but I restrained myself)
We went up to my husbands Mother's place for lunch….. my Mother came also…. I did not invite either of my sisters (because I didn't want to see the baby sister anymore that day), and didn't know how to only invite one sister up….
then they sent my Father to be cremated……
My Father's apartment
We had to get my Father's apartment packed up…. We have two weeks to get it done…. I show up with my husband… my Uncle (my Father's brother) comes over and we start cleaning and packing…. We get the kitchen done… the bedroom done…. Lots done in the livingroom…..still…. there are lots of little things laying around… odds & ends…. I took everything that we had talked about me taking…. I took down the bookshelf that he had made and packed up all his videos…. I packed all his clothes up…. All the food in the kitchen went to my Mother….
My baby sister goes there almost every day….. he uses transit, so can't take much each time, probably working box by box….
I was so upset with her… but I'm not mad at her…… do you understand what I mean by that…. She shouldn't have shown up in the condition that she did… but it's done.. and I love her….but I really can't stand her B/F anymore now….
Anyway… I'm going to my Father's apartment tomorrow…. To do a final check…. Make sure that everything is out and the place is clean….then we'll turn in his keys… and this part will be over….
Thanks for listening (reading).
Like I said, it's almost 2 months now, and I miss him dearly.. but I feel like he is with me. A part of me always. I love him and I know he's around me still.
June 30th...It's been two weeks this evening since my beloved Father passed away...I'd like to get his funeral off my mind...so I'm gonna write my feelings about him...
My daddy worked at Goodyear as a Chief Fire Inspector for 13 years... until he had Mitral Valve Replacement surgery 11 years ago... he pulled through.... which (to be honest) we didn't think he would.... he was on alot of medications so he wouldn't reject the valve they put in his heart.... he became permanently disable due to the medications he was on…...they messed up the tendons in his hands.... the tendons started shrinking... so his fingers became "clawed"... (dupuy trens contracture is the medical term for it)...after a few years... they became so bad that he could no longer open his hands... his fingers had clawed into fists almost... so they amputated his pinky and ring fingers on his right hand.... yes... he was right handed.... the surgery relieved some of the clawing.... but not enough for him to straighten his fingers out.... so he put up with it... then his left hand started getting bad.....
He had to give up alot of the things that he loved to do.... darts....card games..... working on/building/ rebuilding cars, trucks and boats.... he was an overall handyman..... if you had a problem... you called Gus.... your washing machine didn't work... he'd fix it..... put up your ceiling fans.... people were always calling him up..."I've got this problem, can you help?".... and he'd always go and do the job.... until these past two years because of his hands....
Don't mind me.... I'm just rambling about my dad for a bit, OK?
My daddy got to know his three grandchildren.... He loved them sooo much, and they returned that love a hundred fold….
I thank God every day that my babies got to know their Papa Gus…..he'd come downtown to visit at least once a month.... it would take him an hour to get here.... but he'd only stay 20 minutes to an hour.... that's how he was.... he'd never accept my invitations to dinner, whether it was formal or casual, Christmas, thanksgiving, he'd never accept..... that's just how he was.... but it would bother me to no end.... but it wouldn't, if you know what I mean.... he didn't want me bringing the kids down to his place.... cause then he'd have to clean.... he had tools everywhere.... and his medications were out so he didn't forget to take them.... and he told me it would be too much for me to get to him by public transit with the three of the kids especially now with my hand.... so he'd come visit us….
My daddy died on Thursday June 14th 2001 around 6 pm after extensive surgery to repair his heart….. nobody got a chance to say good-bye to him….
I pray to him now… and ask him to never forget us….. cause we'll never forget him….
My Daddy's Funeral
My Daddy's viewing was on Monday, June 18. In the afternoon and again in the evening….. the people who knew him came to say their good-byes…. There were lots of tears…. I had made up two bulletin boards full of pictures of him….. his wedding, back in '65…. Him with his girls….him with his grandbabies…. Just pictures of my daddy's life…. It was such a hard day….. with an even harder day to follow… we were to be at the funeral home for 10 am…. his service was for 11 am…..
It was 10:52 am…. and finally my baby sister walks in….. half in the bag…. So hung over that she was still drunk and she reeked!….. I'd never been sooo angry in my entire like…. Why would she do this, today of all fuc*en days?????…… I wanted to punch her right in the mouth to wake her up to the pain she was causing…. She knows how I feel about drinking (especially that much)….. and the disrespect that I feel she showed by doing that, I can never forgive her for this…..
….so, she's hugging people, slurring all over them, stinking of booze,….. and the priest comes over who'll be doing the service… I wanted to tell her to go away… I would handle things… but she's right there…. Slurring away….so, we're called to go into the service…. My daughter got all upset and runs down to the bathroom, crying….. I go down to get her…. We go into the chapel area of the funeral home…. My daughter darts into one of the pews near the back… I go in and tell her that as family, we should sit at the front out of respect for Papa Gus…. She' crying, not listening to me, starting to argue… so I got up and walked out and got my husband, who talked to her and then came up front with us. Well, my half-in-the-bag-still sister, comes into the pew, stepping over us all and walks to the end with her boyfriend. The service begins….. it's hard…. I kept drowning out the priest to concentrate on my Father…. Getting his wings…. Going through the gates of Heaven…. Being reunited with all his loved ones that left before him…. Then my half-in-the-bag-still sister and her boyfriend get up and go to the front to say a few things…. She starts reading this nice thing that she had written… but she's stumbling and crying… so her B/F jumps in… and starts talking…. Stupid things (Yo, Papa Bear.. wassup?)… loudly…. (I felt like standing up and telling them to go and sit their stupid asses down!!!) then my sister kinda hushes him, and continues her little goodbye to daddy…. Then the B/F starts singing this song!!!!!!!! Loudly….. I was mortified! and I could see my Father laughing in heaven…. My daughter looked at me, and told me that they were embarrassing her and that the B/F was acting like a jerk!….. They were finally finished embarrassing themselves and the family and came and sat down…..then the service was over…. I went up to his casket with my husband and daughter to get our crosses blessed,… and I just kept apologizing to my daddy for what had just happened…. Over and over, I kept telling him I was sorry, I was so sorry….
So, we left the service… and said goodbye to the people who came to say goodbye to my daddy…. My baby sister's B/F kept hitting my daughter on the head with a rolled up paper (classy, eh?) My daughter was getting very upset (as if she wasn't upset enough, now to have to put up with this goof) and finally came to me and asked me to make him stop…. I asked him to cool it, and not a minute later… he started again…. So I took his rolled up paper and hit him on the head (oh, I wanted to slug him, but I restrained myself)
We went up to my husbands Mother's place for lunch….. my Mother came also…. I did not invite either of my sisters (because I didn't want to see the baby sister anymore that day), and didn't know how to only invite one sister up….
then they sent my Father to be cremated……
My Father's apartment
We had to get my Father's apartment packed up…. We have two weeks to get it done…. I show up with my husband… my Uncle (my Father's brother) comes over and we start cleaning and packing…. We get the kitchen done… the bedroom done…. Lots done in the livingroom…..still…. there are lots of little things laying around… odds & ends…. I took everything that we had talked about me taking…. I took down the bookshelf that he had made and packed up all his videos…. I packed all his clothes up…. All the food in the kitchen went to my Mother….
My baby sister goes there almost every day….. he uses transit, so can't take much each time, probably working box by box….
I was so upset with her… but I'm not mad at her…… do you understand what I mean by that…. She shouldn't have shown up in the condition that she did… but it's done.. and I love her….but I really can't stand her B/F anymore now….
Anyway… I'm going to my Father's apartment tomorrow…. To do a final check…. Make sure that everything is out and the place is clean….then we'll turn in his keys… and this part will be over….
Thanks for listening (reading).
Like I said, it's almost 2 months now, and I miss him dearly.. but I feel like he is with me. A part of me always. I love him and I know he's around me still.
mel333
08-12-2001, 08:29 AM
Hi Lyn,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer, cared for him at home till the end with my Mum and Brother. It is so tough, my Father was my hero, role model everything. I wish my husband could have met him. Take care of yourself, I really feel for you in this situation, he sounded like a wonderful man!
I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer, cared for him at home till the end with my Mum and Brother. It is so tough, my Father was my hero, role model everything. I wish my husband could have met him. Take care of yourself, I really feel for you in this situation, he sounded like a wonderful man!
Magenta
08-18-2001, 12:28 AM
I know how you feel. Its been 11 months since I lost my father to throat/lung cancer. There wasn't alot of time with him. We were told he had two months. He lived for two weeks after that diagnosis. I'm glad though, that he went so quickly because he really didn't suffer and he died peacefully at home with his family. I didn't cry over my father, and stiil haven't. I don't know why. There was a brief moment when the mortician came andI heard that vehicle pulling out of the drive and knew my father was leaving, that I started to cry but then someone tried to hug me and it just went away.
I think part of the reason might have been that my sister had also passed away two months earlier (exactly to the day). That was really horrible. My mother was the one who found her and she was in hysterics. Then I had to go and tell her my niece that her mother was dead. It was awful but I wanted her to hear it from me and not from a policeman or someone who wasn't close. In my sister's case it wasn't totally unexpected. She'd also had a bout with cancer, breast cancer. And she had Hepatitis-C and a severely infected ankle that would not heal. She had been told that she might not have much time until her liver gave out. With my Dad it was more final. We knew it was coming.
My sister and my Dad had both struggled with alcohol addiction for most of their lives and in a way I guess death was a release for them both.
[This message has been edited by Magenta (edited 08-17-2001).]
I think part of the reason might have been that my sister had also passed away two months earlier (exactly to the day). That was really horrible. My mother was the one who found her and she was in hysterics. Then I had to go and tell her my niece that her mother was dead. It was awful but I wanted her to hear it from me and not from a policeman or someone who wasn't close. In my sister's case it wasn't totally unexpected. She'd also had a bout with cancer, breast cancer. And she had Hepatitis-C and a severely infected ankle that would not heal. She had been told that she might not have much time until her liver gave out. With my Dad it was more final. We knew it was coming.
My sister and my Dad had both struggled with alcohol addiction for most of their lives and in a way I guess death was a release for them both.
[This message has been edited by Magenta (edited 08-17-2001).]
Fawnnie1st
08-18-2001, 02:07 AM
Lynn,
I've bawled my eyes out reading about your love for your father and your pain losing him. Noone should have to endure the things you had to endure the day of the funeral. I'm really sorry you had to put up with all that--you did an extremely good job not hurting someone!
Something good has come from your pain, though. I realize how lucky I am to have my parents and just how little time I spend with them. I promise you, as a tribute to your father and to your pain, I will now spend more time with them and let them know just how much they mean to me and how much they are loved and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your story and showing me what I was taking for granted before it was too late.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!!
I've bawled my eyes out reading about your love for your father and your pain losing him. Noone should have to endure the things you had to endure the day of the funeral. I'm really sorry you had to put up with all that--you did an extremely good job not hurting someone!
Something good has come from your pain, though. I realize how lucky I am to have my parents and just how little time I spend with them. I promise you, as a tribute to your father and to your pain, I will now spend more time with them and let them know just how much they mean to me and how much they are loved and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your story and showing me what I was taking for granted before it was too late.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!!
Lynn893
08-18-2001, 02:04 PM
I just want to say, "Thank-you" to everyone who left a reply to my post. Thank-you for taking the time to read and respond to me.
I still wish every day that I could have just 5 more minutes with my father. I would hug him and tell him what a wonderful father he was to me. I would kiss his cheek and just breathe in his smell. (I know that sounds weird, but I have his pillow, and it smells so much like "my dad" that I feel that he is with me when I'm hugging his pillow!)
To everyone who posted saying that you have also lost someone special... you have my sincerist condolences (sorry about the spelling) on your loss.
To everyone else... go and call your mother or father and spend 5 minutes asking how they are and listening to their answer. Or better yet, go and visit them!
Thanks.
Lynn893
I still wish every day that I could have just 5 more minutes with my father. I would hug him and tell him what a wonderful father he was to me. I would kiss his cheek and just breathe in his smell. (I know that sounds weird, but I have his pillow, and it smells so much like "my dad" that I feel that he is with me when I'm hugging his pillow!)
To everyone who posted saying that you have also lost someone special... you have my sincerist condolences (sorry about the spelling) on your loss.
To everyone else... go and call your mother or father and spend 5 minutes asking how they are and listening to their answer. Or better yet, go and visit them!
Thanks.
Lynn893
mikesgirl
08-20-2001, 08:57 AM
hi, i know it has been a while since you posted your original, hope you dont mind another reply!
i too am so sorry about the loss of your father. i lost my dad 6 years ago(hard to believe its been so long) when i was 23. he was sick for a long time, and he basially suffocated. i was there. for about a year or two i thought about that night every day. but time has passed and now i have better memories. you will too!
i still miss him every day though and like you wish i could talk to him just once more. i am sure your dad would be very proud of you and that he is watching over you all the time. you will see him someday again.
take care of yourself......K
i too am so sorry about the loss of your father. i lost my dad 6 years ago(hard to believe its been so long) when i was 23. he was sick for a long time, and he basially suffocated. i was there. for about a year or two i thought about that night every day. but time has passed and now i have better memories. you will too!
i still miss him every day though and like you wish i could talk to him just once more. i am sure your dad would be very proud of you and that he is watching over you all the time. you will see him someday again.
take care of yourself......K
natnap
08-29-2001, 02:52 PM
Your father would be so proud of you and how well you have handled the situation. Our family is tuff to deal with in these kinds of situations but I think you handled yourself very well. My husband's brother passed away a couple of months ago (suicide). He was going to be 30 years old. It made me sick to see my mother in law scream in tears after she treated the kid like **** and never wanted to help him. It made me want to just not be a part of their family. Even his father did not shed a tear. Talk about no love in a family. Father's always now how much their children loved them no matter what. He knew you loved him. You make sure of that. I am very close to my parents and so is my son and I hope that when my time comes I am as strong as you.
Lynn893
08-29-2001, 04:51 PM
It's been two and a half months since my Father passed away.
It's been very hard, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I miss him terribly, and think of him constantly. I see him in a happier place, free from the pains he was feeling nearing his end. I love him and will keep him alive in my heart for always... because he was my daddy.
Thank-you to everyone who read my post...and
Thank you to everyone who helped me through this pain by replying to my post and lending me your strength....
Peace :)
It's been very hard, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I miss him terribly, and think of him constantly. I see him in a happier place, free from the pains he was feeling nearing his end. I love him and will keep him alive in my heart for always... because he was my daddy.
Thank-you to everyone who read my post...and
Thank you to everyone who helped me through this pain by replying to my post and lending me your strength....
Peace :)
Tammer26
08-31-2001, 02:34 AM
I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. My thoughts/prayers are with you.
tamila
tamila
Lynn893
10-08-2001, 12:10 PM
I was going to start a new thread. But it would be totally off topic, so I'm continuing on this thread.
THANKSGIVING
First... I hope everyone has a good day on Thanksgiving. I have alot to be thankful for.
I have a wonderful partner. He is very caring and considerate of how my emotions been up and down since the death of my father almost 4 months ago.
I'm very thankful for my children. They are the joy in my life. They bring me excitement, happiness, joy, love and are always there for me.
I'm thankful to my families (mine and my partners) who love me and accept me for who I am)
Now, for my post......
I'm terribly sad.
all the time.
it comes in waves.
overwhelming in its intensity.
overpowering despair.
My Father is gone.
and I miss him more than any words can ever say.
I find myself having crying jags almost everyday still.
short but powerful bursts of raw emotion
I make sure that nobody knows how much pain I'm really in.
I don't want my partner or my children to worry.
I just miss my dad!
Little things trigger it....
Someone mentioned that Halloween was there favorite holiday (it's my Fathers birthday)
We just celebrated my eldest daughter's birthday (my Father isn't here to watch his grandbabies grow up)
My youngest will probably not remember her Papa (crying again) she's only 2! Even though she loves him so much and he loved her, she'll probably forget.... ohhh God, that hurts sooo much!
Took a break to wipe my tears away...
Does this pain ever diminish????
It hurts all the time!
There are so many triggers!
OK, I'm going to go make some lunch for my kids because in the midst of the pain I'm feeling... life does go on. Have a great day everyone.
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/redface.gif)
Peace :)
THANKSGIVING
First... I hope everyone has a good day on Thanksgiving. I have alot to be thankful for.
I have a wonderful partner. He is very caring and considerate of how my emotions been up and down since the death of my father almost 4 months ago.
I'm very thankful for my children. They are the joy in my life. They bring me excitement, happiness, joy, love and are always there for me.
I'm thankful to my families (mine and my partners) who love me and accept me for who I am)
Now, for my post......
I'm terribly sad.
all the time.
it comes in waves.
overwhelming in its intensity.
overpowering despair.
My Father is gone.
and I miss him more than any words can ever say.
I find myself having crying jags almost everyday still.
short but powerful bursts of raw emotion
I make sure that nobody knows how much pain I'm really in.
I don't want my partner or my children to worry.
I just miss my dad!
Little things trigger it....
Someone mentioned that Halloween was there favorite holiday (it's my Fathers birthday)
We just celebrated my eldest daughter's birthday (my Father isn't here to watch his grandbabies grow up)
My youngest will probably not remember her Papa (crying again) she's only 2! Even though she loves him so much and he loved her, she'll probably forget.... ohhh God, that hurts sooo much!
Took a break to wipe my tears away...
Does this pain ever diminish????
It hurts all the time!
There are so many triggers!
OK, I'm going to go make some lunch for my kids because in the midst of the pain I'm feeling... life does go on. Have a great day everyone.
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/redface.gif)
Peace :)
1stBarbi
10-08-2001, 02:42 PM
Lynn,
Four months isn't very long & yes it does get better but only with time. Those reminders that bring you to tears will one day become only tugs at your heart - I promise it does get easier. Nothing anyone can say or do will ease your pain - only time. When I miscarried twins my heart ached & at the year anniversary I was still in pain & thought my heart would never heal but it does. Everyone's timetable is different & you do learn to hide it because everyone thinks you should be able to get on with your life, not understanding that yes their world is going on but your heart is breaking, can't they see!
My grandma kept telling me to keep my head up in the clouds and keep putting one foot in front of the other. So while my heart was broken I kept taking care of my daughter who was three & my husband. My husband would make me go for walks with him & at the time I actually hated him for making me go for those walks but maybe they saved my life. Eventually if you keep trying to live pretty soon you start having little happy times & peeks of joy. Your father woulnd't want you to quit living now - he knows you loved him.
My husband lost his father nine months before I met him & our children never got to meet him but I get his picture out & tell the kids all about him & they consider him one of their guardian angels. I lost my step-father who was like a father to me when my oldest was 18 months & I always told her how much papa Orval loved her & show her pics of him holding her -- in her heart she remembers him & he is also one of their guardian angels. We like to think our twins we lost are up there with their grandparents & their grandparents are telling them all about us.
Please take it easy on yourself & don't be too hard on yourself, if you need to talk to someone email me privately at wer2bws@aol.com.
God Bless,
Barbi
Four months isn't very long & yes it does get better but only with time. Those reminders that bring you to tears will one day become only tugs at your heart - I promise it does get easier. Nothing anyone can say or do will ease your pain - only time. When I miscarried twins my heart ached & at the year anniversary I was still in pain & thought my heart would never heal but it does. Everyone's timetable is different & you do learn to hide it because everyone thinks you should be able to get on with your life, not understanding that yes their world is going on but your heart is breaking, can't they see!
My grandma kept telling me to keep my head up in the clouds and keep putting one foot in front of the other. So while my heart was broken I kept taking care of my daughter who was three & my husband. My husband would make me go for walks with him & at the time I actually hated him for making me go for those walks but maybe they saved my life. Eventually if you keep trying to live pretty soon you start having little happy times & peeks of joy. Your father woulnd't want you to quit living now - he knows you loved him.
My husband lost his father nine months before I met him & our children never got to meet him but I get his picture out & tell the kids all about him & they consider him one of their guardian angels. I lost my step-father who was like a father to me when my oldest was 18 months & I always told her how much papa Orval loved her & show her pics of him holding her -- in her heart she remembers him & he is also one of their guardian angels. We like to think our twins we lost are up there with their grandparents & their grandparents are telling them all about us.
Please take it easy on yourself & don't be too hard on yourself, if you need to talk to someone email me privately at wer2bws@aol.com.
God Bless,
Barbi
Gabbie54
12-20-2001, 09:07 AM
Hi Lynn,
Now that I've wiped my tears away after reading your post... I shall continue... I am so very sorry about the passing of your beloved father. I too have walked in your shoes, not just once, but 4 times. My mother,father,sons father, and grandfather who lived with us for 24 yrs. Reading your post made me fell like it was me all over again. I have something I do for every holiday that we have a special meal... I have a candel that I light in memory of them. It's become a tradition for us here... everyone knows that they don't start eating until the candel is lit and prayer is said... it helps me alot... makes it feel like they are there with us for that special meal. Some people think this is a kinda wacky thing to do, but in our hearts, it helps us.
The pain does get alot easier as time goes by, but you will never ever forget them. The main thing to remember is to keep him alive in your home with your memories. Talk about the good times and the funny things that happened... talk about everything...
My thoughts and prayers are with you every step of the way... God Bless you and your family.
Now that I've wiped my tears away after reading your post... I shall continue... I am so very sorry about the passing of your beloved father. I too have walked in your shoes, not just once, but 4 times. My mother,father,sons father, and grandfather who lived with us for 24 yrs. Reading your post made me fell like it was me all over again. I have something I do for every holiday that we have a special meal... I have a candel that I light in memory of them. It's become a tradition for us here... everyone knows that they don't start eating until the candel is lit and prayer is said... it helps me alot... makes it feel like they are there with us for that special meal. Some people think this is a kinda wacky thing to do, but in our hearts, it helps us.
The pain does get alot easier as time goes by, but you will never ever forget them. The main thing to remember is to keep him alive in your home with your memories. Talk about the good times and the funny things that happened... talk about everything...
My thoughts and prayers are with you every step of the way... God Bless you and your family.
P. Connell
12-20-2001, 03:33 PM
I lost my beloved Dad also, to a septic infection that came on very quickly. We ended up having to turn life support off because there was no hope for recovery, all his organs were breaking down...I stayed alone with him for an hour while he basically suffocated to death, and he couldn't speak either. It was the most horrible day of my life. And I was two weeks from delivering a baby.
I also had to watch my Dad go down to the morgue, had to handle all the details alone, and had to pick up his cremated remains. You are put into shock each time you have to face another trauma.
I sense that you are still deep in shock but that you are working the reality out in a healthy way, and good for you. But give yourself as much time as you need. It was about a year before I stopped feeling those terrible pangs of hurt and after nine years I still think of Dad every day.
The most healing thing that you can do is cry, so do as much of it as you can.
I spend a lot of evenings on the back porch just talking to him. I know he can hear me, and I always feel his presence. Your dad isn't as far away as you think he is, hon. He's alive and well, just over on the other side.
Just get through these days one at a time and don't think any further ahead than that. You are in my prayers.
------------------
Mom of three, 15 year old son has tourette syndrome and obsessive compulsive disorder.
I'm 42, a successfully treated rapid cycling bipolar (in remission for eight years).
Happily married for seventeen years.
I'm a voluntary special education advocate for children with neurological disabilities, and I am also a voluntary advocate for bipolar children and adults. In the past I have done admin work hosting medication webchat and problem solving for folks with bipolar disorder. I've studied psychiatric pharmacology as an interest for nearly ten years. I work for our local police dept.
I'm a retired concerto soprano. I enjoy reading all types of literature, book discussions, gardening (heirloom fruits, flowers and vegetables). I'm a semi professional poet, and a lover of beautiful music, good books, and fine art.
I also had to watch my Dad go down to the morgue, had to handle all the details alone, and had to pick up his cremated remains. You are put into shock each time you have to face another trauma.
I sense that you are still deep in shock but that you are working the reality out in a healthy way, and good for you. But give yourself as much time as you need. It was about a year before I stopped feeling those terrible pangs of hurt and after nine years I still think of Dad every day.
The most healing thing that you can do is cry, so do as much of it as you can.
I spend a lot of evenings on the back porch just talking to him. I know he can hear me, and I always feel his presence. Your dad isn't as far away as you think he is, hon. He's alive and well, just over on the other side.
Just get through these days one at a time and don't think any further ahead than that. You are in my prayers.
------------------
Mom of three, 15 year old son has tourette syndrome and obsessive compulsive disorder.
I'm 42, a successfully treated rapid cycling bipolar (in remission for eight years).
Happily married for seventeen years.
I'm a voluntary special education advocate for children with neurological disabilities, and I am also a voluntary advocate for bipolar children and adults. In the past I have done admin work hosting medication webchat and problem solving for folks with bipolar disorder. I've studied psychiatric pharmacology as an interest for nearly ten years. I work for our local police dept.
I'm a retired concerto soprano. I enjoy reading all types of literature, book discussions, gardening (heirloom fruits, flowers and vegetables). I'm a semi professional poet, and a lover of beautiful music, good books, and fine art.