Hi

I don't know what to call this really....it could be that I am in a sad place of depression.I don't really feel terrific at this time. I am really sad because I don't feel anything for the guy that I have been living with for the last fifteen years.(a recovering alcoholic)He loves me a lot. But, lately I have not been too happy with the fact that he isn't willing to work on himself at all! We are in counseling and I just feel miserable. He doesn't want us to break up, he keeps saying "but, we have been together for fifteen years!That's a long time to stay together, we can't break up now!" On top of this, I have never gotten over an ex-boyfriend. I have loved this person for nineteen and a half years and I recently found him on the web!I wrote to him and it felt wonderful to hear from him,but, I do not know him anymore nor does he know me.He doesn't want to come back to the area where I live and where he grew up. He told me that there wasn't anything there for him anymore.He wrote that his friends that he knew were "pastfriends". I am still wondering if I would be considered his "past". I always hoped that someday I could renew or fix our relationship.(He has been married twice,and is now divorced.) He is in the military.The reason that I didn't end up with him was that he was abusive when he was younger, I just knew what I had to do then,and I left him.I think though that it is possible that people can change, although, my family doesn't think so.I really do not know what to do. I haven't been sleeping very well at all.The only things that keep me actually going are if I am kept busy, busy, busy, so I can't be sad/depressed inside.
I actually believe that from all of the stories that I have read that people can get extra chances for love. Does anyone know or believe me on this? Do you think that I may have a chance? I feel sometimes that I have to have this person or else! I hate going thru this process.I have good days, where I am not thinking about him, and bad days where I am really missing this person. What is really sad is that the guy that I am with and who I have gone thru hell with(literally)always tells me that he thinks about me all of the time!I wish I could run out of my head at times, and escape!!!! The ex- ,he and I have written, and then I overdid the letters. I wrote eight long letters and he hasn't written back and now I am wondering...if its the military or me? Help!!!! I only wanted to have a writing connection to him first. A friend who has helped me write better letters to this guy,(because I am too emotionally a mess) says that I can't just write anything that I want to...I have to be cautious, because he doesn't know me anymore and he is secretive in his letters.It also sounds as though he has gone thru some very horrible things in his life.(this letter really is about me...not him,but,I had to give some background)anyways, if anyone has some ideas, help????!!!!

Nightowl2

[This message has been edited by nightowl2 (edited 07-01-2002).]