jen288
07-02-2002, 01:01 AM
I am married to my high school sweetheart. I didnt believe in love at first sight until I met him. We will be married 10 years on July 9. I love him more and more every day but the sparkle is gone out of our marriage. He has been battling a drinking problem for almost our whole marriage and just found out he has bipolar,adhd and is dyslexic. He has recently been put on meds that will hopefully help him. We dont talk anymore, he spends all his time usually during the day on the computer, and we dont have a sex life anymore. I would appreciate any advice that someone who has been in my situation or anyone that can offer me any advice on what I can do to bring the spark back into our marriage again. He was very abusive for many years but we got counseling and he has been an angel ever since except for this problem we are having now. After 2 children I have definitely lost my figure and feel very unattractive. I wont have sex unless the lights are off so he doesnt have to look at me.
Please serious replys only... please dont make fun of my situation
Thank you all
Please serious replys only... please dont make fun of my situation
Thank you all
Sponsor
EEWMKM
07-02-2002, 11:43 AM
First of all, congratulations for sticking it out as long as you have. A lot of people give up on their marriages at the first hint of trouble, not to mention what you've gone through.
Is there anyway you can get counseling together again? You may need help on learning how, as a couple, to deal with his disorders. Perhaps you should consider counseling yourself. It is really hard to be the loved one of someone with a mental disorder and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for a little help yourself. Perhaps there is a mental health association in your area that runs support groups. Your husband's doctor should be able to tell you or you could look for some support on the internet.
Also, from what I've seen friends and relatives go through, it takes a long time for depression/bipolar medications to take affect and there are side affects. Your husband may need to switch medications several times before they find the right combination. This is why I stress reaching out for some help. You might be in for a long road. But, since you've made an honourable committment to your marriage so far, I'm sure that you can make it through. Keep posting...I am sure there are others in the same situation that can give you a lot of good, practical advice.
God Bless,
E.
Is there anyway you can get counseling together again? You may need help on learning how, as a couple, to deal with his disorders. Perhaps you should consider counseling yourself. It is really hard to be the loved one of someone with a mental disorder and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for a little help yourself. Perhaps there is a mental health association in your area that runs support groups. Your husband's doctor should be able to tell you or you could look for some support on the internet.
Also, from what I've seen friends and relatives go through, it takes a long time for depression/bipolar medications to take affect and there are side affects. Your husband may need to switch medications several times before they find the right combination. This is why I stress reaching out for some help. You might be in for a long road. But, since you've made an honourable committment to your marriage so far, I'm sure that you can make it through. Keep posting...I am sure there are others in the same situation that can give you a lot of good, practical advice.
God Bless,
E.
christie s
07-02-2002, 01:27 PM
Jen~~Good for you for sticking by your husband and not just leaving at the first sign of problems. My husband is bipolar and has dyslexia also. We have been married 13 years and he was diagnosed 4 years into our marriage.
Is your husband getting help for his drinking problem? If he isn't I would encourage you to try to help him with that. How long has he been on the medication? When my hubby first started his, he had to go back every month until they found the right combination of drugs for him. Once they found the right combination it was amazing the difference in him. I know that I can tell a difference if my husband misses one day of his meds. Please know that this is not something your husband can control by himself, he probably doesn't even know he acts the way he does.
Jen, don't put yourself down for not having the same figure you did when you first got married. I would venture to say that most women don't have the same figure that they did before they had kids. Don't let how you feel about your body carry over into your sex life. Be adventurous and bold in the bedroom, surprise him, be the aggressive one, leave a lamp on, try something new, don't just lie there and expect it to happen. It is all in the attitude, if you think you are ugly and repulsive, so will he.
I have been in the position you are in and if you have any questions, I will try to help you in any way I can. I am far from being an expert on these things, but sometimes just talking to somebody who has been there can help.
Is your husband getting help for his drinking problem? If he isn't I would encourage you to try to help him with that. How long has he been on the medication? When my hubby first started his, he had to go back every month until they found the right combination of drugs for him. Once they found the right combination it was amazing the difference in him. I know that I can tell a difference if my husband misses one day of his meds. Please know that this is not something your husband can control by himself, he probably doesn't even know he acts the way he does.
Jen, don't put yourself down for not having the same figure you did when you first got married. I would venture to say that most women don't have the same figure that they did before they had kids. Don't let how you feel about your body carry over into your sex life. Be adventurous and bold in the bedroom, surprise him, be the aggressive one, leave a lamp on, try something new, don't just lie there and expect it to happen. It is all in the attitude, if you think you are ugly and repulsive, so will he.
I have been in the position you are in and if you have any questions, I will try to help you in any way I can. I am far from being an expert on these things, but sometimes just talking to somebody who has been there can help.
Jay Tor
07-02-2002, 01:47 PM
Alcohol and some mood-modifying meds can reduce libido - the desire and the ability to have/enjoy sex. Check his meds on this link. If he's unaware of these side-effects, he may be feeling that he's suffering from yet another problem, in addition to everything else.
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a682878.html
Many people with chronic alcohol problems and/or bipolar disorder have vitamin and EFA deficiencies. Exercise and good nutrition would benefit all of your family.
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a682878.html
Many people with chronic alcohol problems and/or bipolar disorder have vitamin and EFA deficiencies. Exercise and good nutrition would benefit all of your family.
cozy
07-02-2002, 02:26 PM
Jen, I wish I would have read this before I posted a new Topic. I had been happily married 8 years until my back went out. Let me just say I ain't :dancing: like I used to or as often. I don't think a person should worry about their body type when in the "mood". Once the throws of passion begin I doubt anyone cares. LOL! AS for the drinking & medical issues have you tried AA? Personally, I'd make him SIT down & listen to what I'd have to say & see if that helped at all. Men are a different specie. You gotta thump em in the head a bit to keep things jump started up there. Truely tho, marrige is hard work but well worth the toil in the long run if you hang in there. I always tell my hubby if he's ever incompasitated, who does he think is gonna bring him the bedpain? Hope things work out for you. Now go grab that man, sit him down, tell him to listen to you & who knows,,, you may leave the lights on. :)
georgeann7474
07-03-2002, 06:24 PM
Sorry to hear of your situation something u said struck me preety hard. I live w/my bf for years now and in the past year we have had sex only a few times.He is also on the computer all the time. Do you know what he is doing there? Coul;d it be porn sites that he is masturbating to. If you suspect this let me know I can help you find out how to check this.
Lots of luck
Georgeann
Lots of luck
Georgeann
jen288
07-03-2002, 10:27 PM
Thank you all for reading my post and helping me out. I have begged him to go to AA and counseling. He finally went on his own to get counseling for his bipolar and depression. The doc asked him if he had been self medicating and he told her yes that he drinks. So hopefully with the weekly counseling sessions he is getting it will help him.
Yes I know he does visit porn sites on the internet and downloads videos. He thinks its funny and is always trying to get me to come look at them.
(I think that is totally disgusting !!!!)
Anyways that you all very much.
Christie, it is nice to know that someone else out there has and is experiencing the same thing I am going through now. I helps so much to talk to someone.
I am 28 and he is 29. Our 10th anniversary is July 9 and people told us even when we got married that they bet we wouldnt last a year. (what nice friends huh?)
So at least we showed them who is wrong.
Yes I know he does visit porn sites on the internet and downloads videos. He thinks its funny and is always trying to get me to come look at them.
(I think that is totally disgusting !!!!)
Anyways that you all very much.
Christie, it is nice to know that someone else out there has and is experiencing the same thing I am going through now. I helps so much to talk to someone.
I am 28 and he is 29. Our 10th anniversary is July 9 and people told us even when we got married that they bet we wouldnt last a year. (what nice friends huh?)
So at least we showed them who is wrong.
Jesp
07-07-2002, 03:03 AM
Jen- there are a lot of good resources out there for family members of those who have what is called Dual Diagnosis (Mental health + Substance Abuse). There are thousands of web-sites and web support groups that can offer advice, and more importantly information about the concept of dual diagnosis. The alcohol acts by itself as a depressant which makes matters worse and is often a leading cause of decreased libido. Many of the anti-depressants out there also cause sexual dysfunction (or simply NO desire whatsoever!). The guilt, shame, and confusion on top of everything else only ads to the problem. Hopefully you can find adequate support and realize that this is a very common problem and that your role in "putting the spark back into the relationship" is limited to the quality of treatment and his willingness to engage himself in that treatment. Hang in there and don't ask yourself to perform the impossible!
paramedik1
07-07-2002, 05:53 PM
Jen,
You have my respect for sticking your marriage out this long. I hope that the medicine your husband is on does help. I am married to a man who is absolutely wonderful, however this is my second marriage my first marriage wasn't so great. I was in a very abusive situation. My suggestion to you is to try counseling again. If he was willing to admit he had a problem the first time and seek help, then he will probably be willing to seek help for these problems also, he sounds like he's probably a good guy. My first husband wasn't willing to admit he had a porblem, let alone get help. It was after we had a child that I realized the if I wanted to put myself in that situation fine, but it wasn't fair to put my innocent son in that situation. That gave me the strength to leave. Alcoholics have to want to help themselves, I know you've stuck by him this long but if he's not willing to help himself, that doens't leave much hope.
You said you've lost your figure after ahving two children, well first of all rememebr, they're HIS children, he will love you unconditionally. Maybe you should try some counseling on your own and work on your self-image, when in a relationship that is going throuhg problems, it's usually inevitable that it has an effect on the other person's self-esteem. It's not your fault, but do it for your kids if not for yourself.
You have my respect for sticking your marriage out this long. I hope that the medicine your husband is on does help. I am married to a man who is absolutely wonderful, however this is my second marriage my first marriage wasn't so great. I was in a very abusive situation. My suggestion to you is to try counseling again. If he was willing to admit he had a problem the first time and seek help, then he will probably be willing to seek help for these problems also, he sounds like he's probably a good guy. My first husband wasn't willing to admit he had a porblem, let alone get help. It was after we had a child that I realized the if I wanted to put myself in that situation fine, but it wasn't fair to put my innocent son in that situation. That gave me the strength to leave. Alcoholics have to want to help themselves, I know you've stuck by him this long but if he's not willing to help himself, that doens't leave much hope.
You said you've lost your figure after ahving two children, well first of all rememebr, they're HIS children, he will love you unconditionally. Maybe you should try some counseling on your own and work on your self-image, when in a relationship that is going throuhg problems, it's usually inevitable that it has an effect on the other person's self-esteem. It's not your fault, but do it for your kids if not for yourself.
YadaYada
07-08-2002, 03:54 PM
I wish I had the resources available now. My sister went thru something very similar. She and her husband stopped having sex after about their 3rd year of marriage. He did not have a substance problem, but was/is bipolar. He has a lot of other mental/emotional problems too. He kept telling my sister that it was not her, but HIM. My sister knows that it was her though. She gained weight and the longer they went without sex, the more weight they both gained. They have been married 19 years. Havent' had sex since the 3rd year of marriage. They stick together and now neither one of them will get counseling or try to change. My sister, & I kinda agree with her, doesn't want to trigger any old emotions or what she calls "false needs & desires" because she will just have to go through all the pain of supression again.
My husband and I haven't been together in a lot of years because of a physical handicap on his part. He doesn't visit porn sites on the computer or anything though because I told him once when I was struggling with this, that if he had the energy to do that, he could damn-well find the energy for me and I told him he'd better pay close attention to what happened to John Wayne Bobbit!
Meanwhile, I took / take LOTS of cold showers! I think if my sister and I had gone to counseling earlier we may have been able to do without some of the pain and suffering we've experienced. If we could have got our husbands to go - it would have been even better. Now, neither one of us really seem to care about sex anymore. My husband and I talked about this just this past weekend. He said if his medical condition is "fixed" then maybe he would feel like having sex. My response was "Ick" :) I don't care to ever have sex again!
But, you are not alone and I think the other suggestions you got are great. Get some outside counseling and help for yourself first. Then worry about him. That way you not only get the help you need to deal with this, but you are also setting a great example for him to follow and showing how committed you are to the relationship.
Good luck with this.
My husband and I haven't been together in a lot of years because of a physical handicap on his part. He doesn't visit porn sites on the computer or anything though because I told him once when I was struggling with this, that if he had the energy to do that, he could damn-well find the energy for me and I told him he'd better pay close attention to what happened to John Wayne Bobbit!
Meanwhile, I took / take LOTS of cold showers! I think if my sister and I had gone to counseling earlier we may have been able to do without some of the pain and suffering we've experienced. If we could have got our husbands to go - it would have been even better. Now, neither one of us really seem to care about sex anymore. My husband and I talked about this just this past weekend. He said if his medical condition is "fixed" then maybe he would feel like having sex. My response was "Ick" :) I don't care to ever have sex again!
But, you are not alone and I think the other suggestions you got are great. Get some outside counseling and help for yourself first. Then worry about him. That way you not only get the help you need to deal with this, but you are also setting a great example for him to follow and showing how committed you are to the relationship.
Good luck with this.