I don't need any more support. My mother is doing well now. Thank you all for your help.



[This message has been edited by PHeath60 (edited 08-17-2002).]

You sure have your hands full. Have you ever considered a nursing home? My mother took care of her mother-in-law for 5 years until she died, then took care of her own mother for 13 years until, kind of like you, it got to be too much and she had to choose her sanity and her marriage over her demanding mother. It was a very hard decision. She talked to many other people locally about the different places and visited alot of them then chose one she thought her mom would like best. It was very hard for her to do this but the peace she gained by not having that constant battle/anxiety was worth it in the long run.
In the end I think my mom decided that it wasn't fair to her husband to keep this impossible woman around. In your case, it's not just your sanity. It can't be good for your health to have that constant battle and stress. Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you. It is heartbreaking either way.

Hi Carreen...Thank you so much for responding to my post. It has been a really tough go these years...but now that I have found a place where I can vent my feelings, I think it will make it easier for me to cope.. I hope anyway!

I wish we could consider a nursing home..but with me living on a fixed income, no family to help and my husband working overtime every week just to make ends meet, the nursing home situation is out of the question. Mom also only gets 200.00 per month in Social Security. I also have a friend who is a nurse who did nothing but work in Nursing Homes in my area for years and she said that they are so understaffed...she quit nursing in Nursing homes because it was too much. So it seems like that is out for us.

But I will call senior services and try to find out what I can about assisted living on a sliding scale or soemthing like that...

It just helps alot to know that I am not alone in this and that other people know what I am talking about.

Thank you for your support and good wishes...It will work out somehow!!

God Bless,
Patty

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Taking it one day at a time!

Hi Patty,
You've definately got your hands full. I totally understand how frustrating the situation with your mother is. Your story sounds very similar to mine, however, my physical problems aren't as severe as yours are.
During the 12 years that I cared for my mother (at the same time trying to keep my family running smoothly, and working full time & dealing with my own physical problems), I became increasingly depressed. It is quite a draining ordeal, both physically & mentally/emotionally.
I really do understand how you are feeling. Hang in there Patty! Keep those lines of communication with God open!!

Val

[This message has been edited by moderator3 (edited 03-25-2002).]

Hi Valerie,

Thank you so much for the letter of support! It's truly amazing how much it is helping to hear from others who have gone through the same type of things. I don't feel as alone in this as I did, and that in itself is helping me to cope better http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
I definitely will email you later on this weekend! Thank you for the kind words http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

God Bless,
Patty


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Taking it one day at a time!

I don't really know how laws in all states work about nursing homes and paying for them. I know that in my grandmas case, the government paid the entire bill. My grandma had about $10,000 in a savings account and the nursing home expects you to pay if you do have money but if you don't, I believe medicaid paid for it. I know my parents didnt pay anything.

Yes I do understand that alot of the nursing homes are understaffed and not great. My mom did alot of searching, visiting, and talking to others who had been in the same situation as herself. The home she finally picked had been recommended by my grandmothers doctor. Geriatric doctors are a good place to ask about this as they visit alot of their patient in nursing facilities so they see the conditions. The place my mother picked was great. They had unlimited visiting at any time day or night. It made her feel alot better about them not being secretive. My grandmother resisted like crazy at first and was conviinced she would hate the place. After about 2-3 months she LOVED it. She made some friends and they'd stay up and play cards half the night and had a pretty good time. Anytime I visited her, she seemed pretty happy. My mom questioned her alot about the treatment she was recieving and it was always fine. There are good and bad in the senior facilities but maybe with the right research you could find a nice place.
Keep your chin up. I know it's hard. It's hard to "be the parent" to your own parent. My mom found that setting rules was important no matter how much her mother complained. One of her rules was that gram had to go to bed, or at least retire to her room at 10pm so that my mom and dad had some alone time. My parents also had one night a week when I'd come sit with gram so that they could go to a movie or out to eat or just ride around alone. Mom also took a long nap during the day so that she could stay up late-past 10 to get some alone time to herself.
It sounds like setting a few rules for your mom (no matter what she says) would help. It takes you to harden your heart sometimes to do this but it may save your sanity.

Hi Carreen..
Thank you for the tip on the Geriatric doctor! I will call my nurse friend and ask if she knows of a good Geriatric doctor that I could talk to. I also can talk to my Rheumatologist who I really like and respect and I am sure she could help me as well. That is a great idea!
Thanks for the other tips too...I am sure that we can work something out. I really feel so much better since I found this board...I posted at the Caregivers board as well and between the two, I am getting alot of support and that really makes all the difference in the world. I am feeling much less alone and feeling like it's alot easier to deal with now http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I have a safe place to share my worries and frustrations...whew!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
Thank you again for all the input...I will follow up on it for sure http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Blessings,
Patty


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Taking it one day at a time!

You are in a tough spot, taking care of your Mom while at the same time you are her daughter. Never lose focus on how she feels having to be cared for while she still has her wits about her. Some of her resistance is to let you know she can still do what she wants when she wants and then tell you what to do(like pick something up for her)Some problems with careing for an elderly parent is the fact we forget they once took care of us and don't want that role reversed no matter what. When parents reach the point where they need their childrens assistance physically, they feel a lack of control in their life and it can be a tug of war. Geriatric Drs can help you with resources that can help your mom get back into the community however limited it may be, she needs the companionship of people her own age to still feel her worth as an individual.

Hi Patty,
I really hope things get better for you. I just wanted to add that in 1994 I lived in North Carolina and my 79 year old mother came to visit with me and got very sick. She was in the hospital for 4 weeks fighting for her life and then the hospital said they couldn't keep her there any longer because of insurance reasons(she had medicare). I was so worried about getting her in a nursing home because I didn't make more then $16,000 a year. I went to the nursing home that I picked and talk to them. They said medicare will pay for everything for 100 days then medicaid will kick in. She was only allowed so much in assets, sorry I don't remember what that amount was now). She didn't have a home because I wouldn't let her live alone. So she spent time with me and my sisters one in florida and one in chicago. She only owned a car thats all. They also go and check to see if your mother has any money that maybe she doesn't know about. I guess like inheritance that maybe she doesn't know about and maybe money left in bank accounts etc. Its worth checking into for your mother. You must have a wonderful husband for going through all this with you and still have a marriage intact. god bless all of you. I am just curious $200 a month for social security sure doesn't seem right. Maybe I don't understand how they figure it but I would think she would get at least $600 or $700 a month. Is she getting your fathers social security from when he worked? I would check on that too.

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kerrycats3
Have a happy healthy life

Hello Patty ,I was wandering around the board ,its been a long time since you submit your post ....anyway it is still an open trend .
I wound say that ,after all these years ,you cant transform the relationship with your mother and make it now something radically different .You shouldnt be frustrated about that .She knows very well how much you care .Even if you got the money ,changing house would be -at least-distressing for her and maybe insted of feeling better or liberated you would feel guilt .Take care your health ,your husband ,and if your mother simply wants to watch cnn ,let her do it!.

Hi Traveller..

Thanks for your response. I do understand that my mom won't be changing at all. The main thing I was looking for here at this board was mainly coping techniques and skills that others may have put to use in similar situations. I was just trying to paint the picture as we are living it.
Things are better now though..we are taking it one day at a time, and mom went to the doctor and got her meds taken care of, and that made a big difference.

Thanks for posting anyway.

Sincerely,
PHeath60

Yes, its true: most people in nursing homes are on Medicaid. They could not afford a nursing home; therefore, after proving your lack of income in the front office, the government pays for it OR almost all of it.I've had a lot of experience with nursing homes. My parents were in 3 different ones. They are like anything else: some better than others. You have the peace of mind knowing that, after asking people in your town and calling the Better Business Bureau, your loved one is being cared for and has planned activities. Bonus: less stress for you and your family. Oftentimes, parents who are cared for at home by family become ungrateful, bored and depressed.
Even combative. I say: let the state pay for their care. You also may end up in a nursing home. The nurses that come to your home (dad had seven at different times)are very nice but they want FULL TIME. Dad wouldn't pay it so they kept quitting, saying their back hurt. Finally, both my parents ended up in nursing homes, private pay, which can be pretty fancy but full of thieves. The Nicest ones have theft; trust me on this. Aster

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Aster

Patty,
I have been threw the same sort of thing, except my mom and I got along good, but the rest is the same, not wanting to go out, but sick of being in, some days you just cant win.
but as far as coping skills there are a few...

make sure you do something for You everyday, read for an hour, shop, file nails, go for a walk, something you enjoy. you would be suprized how much better it makes you feel. and then you are not feeling deprived and it will show in your patience levels.

Make plans for you and hubby to have a date night, yup thats right make a date to do something together dinner, movie, sex, whatever you enjoy doing together
and make it a habbit, once a week.

breath...deep breaths can clense you mind a bit. take a deep breath in threw your nose and out threw your mouth.

I've been told relaxation tapes...soft music..sound effects, birds,waterfalls ect.

Also have you contacted your local seior advocate? Its usually in the front of the phone book..sometimes they have great resorces that you are not even thinking of...if a senior could need it..they know about it.

best of luck to you
stay healthy
bee

hope for pain free moments

[This message has been edited by beebauser (edited 06-29-2002).]