I can’t believe that I am writing in this forum but I have no one else to help. I am 49 years old and my husband is 43. We have been married 17 years. We have two daughters, the youngest just turning 12. When I was pregnant with her my husband had a one-night fling. That put a very severe strain on our marriage for a long time. This past winter our relationship was finally back on track and we were closer than ever. I truly believed that he did love me. A couple of months ago I accidentally discovered that he was looking at porn on the Internet. He also had downloaded all these beautiful scantily clad women and a few tasteless others. He had these pictures stored everywhere on the computer as I am still finding them. The other day I got up in the morning and went to watch TV and hit previous channel on the remote and it brought up the Playboy Channel. He has had excused for every one of these issues. I am a young almost 50 year old and try to take care of myself but I cannot compete with the beautiful women that he is looking at. He has made me feel worthless. It is all I think about day in and day out. I check the computer every day to see what sites he has been too but now he just deletes them. I just can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this. He blames me for being at that stage in life and imagining things but I know what I have seen. Do husbands regard 50 year olds as worthless now and need the younger ones in their lives? Please help me, as I have no family or friends that I can talk and am at the end of the line. Thank you.

No, husbands don't view their 50 year old wives as worthless. However, husbands and often wives do look at porn, whether it be on their computer, on tv, videos, magazines. Some do it together and some do it secretly. Now some people are addicted to porn and no matter what you try to do they will look at it in secret. It's a big problem when it's an addiction and they leave their partner out of their life and put the porn addiction above everything else.

Porn is still considered to be a VERY bad thing in a lot of households. No matter which message board you visit, there are mostly always women complaining about finding their partners hidden porn stash. Looking at it realistically, if a man asks his partner "do you mind if i looked at some porn?", majority of partners would say a big fat NO!!!

Now that you have found him out, you really need to sit down with him and talk about it. Find out why exactly he feels the need to do this. It's a very difficult and delicate situation. If you tell him it has to stop, he will likely do it in secret. So you need to be prepared for that.

(The RELATIONSHIPS section on this healthboard has numerous situations similar to yours and many contributors with experienced advice, it's worth a visit). I hope all does turn out well for you.

Very carefully, I have read your post several times. I have thought about the many areas you have covered, with differing reactions each time I have read your concerns.

Although I can understand your marital and personal problems regarding a husband's promiscuous one-night stand some twelve years ago during a pregnancy, and the current affectation with pornography, I do think you are selling yourself short as you near the half-century mark.

No one can make you feel worth-less, unless you yourself buy into that attitude in regards to your sense of personal well-being and self-esteem, as person and personality, wife and mother of two daughters.

You speak of being in competition with beautiful scantily clad women; when in fact, computer graphics are but resolutions composed of pixels re-presenting images of women posing and posturing in provacative ways. The same may be said of the Playboy channel as a past event.

These electronic illusions can be turned on and off at will. In no way are these images "alive" and "real" as your competition, unless you are in competition for your husband's affectation or attention?

Your concerns remind me of what I went through with my mother when I entered adolescence. Granted, the relationship is different, mother-son, as opposed to husband-wife-daughters, but the demanding and controlling nature that I sense in your personal disappointment stikes me as being similar in context and content.

The fact that you have two daughters, one of which is twelve, may be the underlying motivation for your personal discontent and disillusionment. Mothers and daughers are often seen to be involved in major conflicts of interest and competition with each other when adolescence strikes in a hormonal way.

Essentially, you and your daughters are at opposite ends of the spectrum of a woman's biological reproductive cycle. Scantily clad women are nothing new in any man-husband's household with wife and daughters.

A woman's world is a fact of life with mothers and daughters. Candidly considered, I think you are trying to make an equation between husband, promiscuity, prostitution-pornography, adolescent daughters, and pregnancy.

Barbara Streisand illustrated a case example of this equation in the 1987 film "Nuts," as a coming of age scenario. The crux of the court issue was a step-father/mother problem.

I would bet money that your husband has a sex addiction. There is hope as long as he wants help and freedom from it. This has nothing to do with you as a sexual, beautiful woman.

I went through a marriage where the husband was more interested in porn(both pictures and movies) I was constantly getting told how I didn't look like them, act like them, and always getting asked what was wrong with me. When I fail to give him a decent answer the abuse would kick up a notch. Physically and mentally. When I finally was able to leave I felt no one would ever love me cause I wasn't the girl in the movies.

I now have a husband who loves me and he can't see why someone would waste money on a porno to watch someone have more fun than you are.

If both parties seem to enjoy it fine. If it is one sided than there has to be a solution that would be ok to both parties. If not than I would have to have you look deep down inside yourself to see if you could live with his addiction.

You are not worth less. I don't know you, but I'm sure your a beautiful person inside and out. Don't let his interest in porn makes you feel inadequate or any less beautiful. Talk to him about it in a honest and open way. Let him know how you feel, and how this hurts you inside. I am positive he loves you, he does not love those women, they are only a fantasy, that is all. They don't mean anything to him. A good, honest, and open discussion, with your point coming across might be in order, and if that doesn't work, counseling would be next.

To the OP

hello and I am sorry you had to visit a board to get help with your personal business but, since you did and you ask for help this is my story. hopefully something I say might help you find your way.

my husband just turned 36 I am 44. Do I feel like I am to old for him? NO because he is mentally on my wave length..we have fun together and we Talk.
Does my husband look at porn? YES..does it bother me? NO..it did at first..only because at the first he hid it from me. that hurt the most..I confronted him and he was truthfull about it all.that made all the difference in the world to me.

I stumbled across it on the computer one day and being noisy as usual found more than I cared to see..all tho's ugly feelings started running rampant in my head and the tears started falling. I felt so betrayed..and sorry for myself!
(I want go into the sorted details but survice to say I was crushed).

this is what we both agreed to.
1.) never hide that kind of stuff from me
2.) invite me to look to if I am home..wheather I want to or not.
3. if I dont want to look at it with you make sure you respect me and look at it in private..an for the love of god delete the trails when done so I dont have to stumble on to them again.
4.) absoulutely NO porno chat. or picture posting.
5.)I would start watching prono movies with him. and be more open minded about sex..which I was not..(I tried) ;)

we have had these rules for 3 years now and they work for us. My husband is very aggressive and open minded in the sex department. he is also very out spoken and Loves the female body..I married him kinda knowing this but, blew it off..until I run into this problem with porno..I am not his mother or his boss and I was not put on this earth to try to change him only he can do that. I get to be the good guy! very understanding..hehe :D

A lot of men look at porn. A lot of women don't realize there husbands do this because they hide it. My husband does and it doesn't bother me. His ex wife hated the whole thing and so he hid it from her and she never knew the whole time he was doing this.

It's not a big deal I don't think. They are not real people in his life. It's just a picture or a video. He'll never meet these people.

Actually when he was married to his ex wife he looked at it more often. Now that he's with me and I don't care one way or the other he isn't as interested. I think there is the it's more fun if you are getting away with something factor with that. So trying to stop someone from doing it in many cases will only make them hide it and do it more.

This is a relationship issue and does not belong on the Aging Board.

Sexuality/porn discussion belongs only on the Sexual health Boards, none other.