Lord..i don't know where to begin..okay, let's see...i am older (51) but still look and feel great..feel like i'm 30 something. I found out about 2 years ago that my husband had several online sex affairs (three years worth) and it was a result of his sex addiction. We have, fortunately, gotten help, are beginning to move on and now our marriage is probably better than it's been in a long time, except for my security issues.

My security and sexuality is at a low. It's getting better, but i'm wondering if the real truth is that men just want younger women the older they get. Is this true? I really want to know.

Hi Annie
I'm 43 and my wife is 49. We have been married for 22 years. I have no plans on trading her in any time soon. Personally speaking I find older women (I don't think 51 is old) attractive and just as sexy as thier younger counterparts. There is something of a turn on about a mature women who has had some life expieriences and just gives off an air of confidence. I'm sure not all men share this view point but I can't believe most are looking to go after the young stuff either as a way to prove thier masculinity. JC

Thank you so much for your reply...I appreciate it!

I was hoping for a few more replies, opinions etc...as women my age do wonder about this.

annie7~

I hope you're not disappointed with me responding, since I'm not male.

I think young women that are with old men like the attention and the money. I believe it wears off though and then they want someone their own age.

When I was younger I thought flirting and getting attention from older men was fun and exciting but later it sucked. Who wants a bowling pin physique, balding, and probably partially impotent, worn out old man when you can have a young,tanned, 100% sexually functional, chiseled abdomen with a muscular body, on your arm.

Young women don't give a flip about them. Look at Anna Nicole. Mr. Marshall just wanted her attention, but she was always off partying with younger guys no doubt. She really did a number on him. Poor Mr. Marshall..God rest his soul.

Old men may want younger women but "those" women will soon be gone. They aren't going to be around to push his wheel chair, or spoon feed him.

Older men that do this are losing out on a great bonding relationship they have with their wife. In the end they are the LOSERS!!

Renee http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif just my opinion~

[This message has been edited by reneeintx (edited 05-22-2003).]

Renee...On the contrary...thanks for your response; it was amusing and refreshing....and made me think..You're so right...thanks

I also don't think "older" men particularly want some young thing, but they do love the ego boosting attention. It tend's to make them feel younger.

Not that i'm siding with older men, but most of us who have been married for some time have slowly grown used to our partner. Yes, we still love them, but the relationship is always in a changing cycle and often heading in a downward spiral to predictability. We either don't do the types of activities we did when we first began dating or first got married, sex tends to become more routine due to never ending commitments, we're more tired, age makes us less able to perform those acrobatic sexually feats and we tend to become more conscious of our wrinkles, fat bits, hairy bits, lost youth and our partner becomes comfortable like an old pair of slippers. Then you realise that modern medecine is enabling us to live longer which in turn makes you realise "i could have another 30 years with this person".

Often one partner is totally oblivious that they have become boring or overly predictable by the other partner. If your partner was to be honest with you, would you be prepared for them to be critical of you and tell you how you have changed that you are just not the same person they married? I realise that sounds harsh, but there are people out there going through every day life who do feel this way about their partner, but rather than doing something about it they find it easier to find what they want over the internet or out during the couse of their daily lives.

We make an effort to spring clean our wardrobe and our house, why don't we spring clean our relationships?

Oooops, by spring cleaning our relationships, i didn't mean throwing out your partner, but refreshing the tired bits and pieces http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent. -- Seneca


My very first reaction in reading this post was: "Sex is the original addiction-affliction!"

And my second reaction was to equate the older man-younger woman relationship and association, and the older woman's concerns, with "The Senex & The Puer." A modern example in film would be "The Handmaid's Tale."

My first introduction to the concept of The Senex & The Puer came while reading "The Coming Of The Cosmic Christ" by Matthew Fox. Further explorations would be "The Puer" by Marie Louise Von Franz, and "The Puer Papers" by James Hillman.

chiron...sorry, i'm very ignorant here, but have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I, obviously, haven't read the book. But the comment from the other poster (forgot the name) makes perfect, practical sense.

My husbands cyber affairs with younger women was a huge wake up call. I'm having a difficult time letting go of my youth. I'm doing all tht I can to look younger and sexier simply because that's what I'm into now. My husband of 27 years is sorry and has changed dramatically. I would have left him that hadnt had happened. But I too am guilty of just what the other poster said. I let things become predictable and I took him for granted, as he did me.

Still the insecurities are something very difficult to work through especially at this time in my life. Thanks for the replies.

"The Truth," it is said, is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways.

I have found in my life experience that the "perfect, practical" truth is only a matter of a personally-held convenience, a convenience that we use when the truth as we hold and know it to be, whatever it is, can be used as a leveraging force or tool against another person as a means to an end.

Usually, the truth is held in a way to make another person do our bidding as we want it, would have it, or will it, against their best interests on behalf of our own best interests.

Often we invoke higher powers to support our life campaign, a fact that is demonstrated everyday in everyway as cultural and religious warfare. In essence, your post began, "Lord" --praying, and calling attention to yourself and your needs, "preying" on your behalf for resolution, as a one-sided request; i.e., "give me strength in my hour of need against or on behalf of"...my husband, who has a "sex addiction-affliction."

My complaint is that he is devoting a "worth-less" amount of time and attention to fanta-sizing about young women as pornographic materialism...than he is to me and my needs as an older woman with the young ideas of a thirty-something. I believe his alternative interests are destabilizing to our marriage relationship and association.

As an aging woman, I resent the fact of this disparity in our lives, that he can still reproduce and I cannot, that he can still perhaps attract a younger mate and reproduce, and I cannot; and therefore, I have taken him to a "priest-counselor" for a much needed re-adjustment to our marriage vows as my legalistic concerns involving security.

I want him bound to me, bonded, and fixed --which essentially means that he is to be bound to my willfulness, my control and domination, my best interests.

The "priestly-legal" professions are great castrators; it is their stock in trade with the sword of truth. Carving up the male organ for one reason or another is an old ritualistic occupation of the priesthood.

In essence, I want him castrated, biologically incapable of reproducing any more children, just as I am now biologically unable to have a reproductive life of my own anymore; i.e., I want parity, equal justice on the same level of being and aging, and I want to protect my offspring.

Unfortunately, evolutionary life is not concerned with your needs, biologically speaking, nor your happiness.

Mother Nature has not designed human beings with the wishes and wants of human beings in mind. The sexual priorities of human reproduction as offspring are in all probability the only evolutionary concerns of Mother Nature.

"SHE WILLS" only offspring, not personal happiness and contentment. Your happiness and wellbeing are the self-ordained response-abilities of the professional priesthood. This is the "Naked Truth" of the human condition, and aging or barren women have had to face this human dilemma in an ageless way, as "The Handmaid's Tale-Tail."

The archetype of The Senex and The Puer, The Old Wise Senator-Matrix and The Young Man/Woman, acts as progenitor. Your quest-ion for truth is really about "Ontogeny and Phylogeny," the passing of genetics from one generation to another as wisdom gathered and gained.

The Older Male as The Wise Man or The Shaman has been passing his experiential wisdom down the line through young women for eons. The Older Woman-Younger Man version, "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone."

[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 05-28-2003).]

Thanks for your detailed reply...i appreciate your philosophical input. It is, I must admit, a lot to digest!! However, my husband had a vasectomy and can't reproduce, so ...so much for that theory! Secondly...yes...I do say 'lord' because I believe and need a higher power. I choose that and respect others who choose differently. My 'emotional' upset at my husbands online infedelity has nothing to do with reproduction. It has to do with trust. A relationship can get along without excitement and love, but without trust, it's difficult to maintain. I'm sure you'll agree. The trust was broken.

Yes, he used (as he's been 'clean' now for over a year) younger women as pornographic fantasies. But, with much self searching as to why this became an addiction he found it stemmed from early in his youth. I won't go into detail, but it all fits. I'm thankful he's getting to the root of his addiction.

I believe relationships are about more than just reproducing. I believe that they're about more than just control and power. I believe that they're for the purpose of a 'bigger story'....a sort of shadow. I believe relationships, especially marriage, is need that all humans have to emotionally connect. I saw that you didn't mention love or trust once. I find that very odd. Perhaps that isn't a priority in how you perceive life. It's my highest priority. That's what I live for. And to lose trust with someone whom is closest to you is very tramatizing.

ooops..forgot...i thought the Handmaidens Tale was depressing and lacking of compassion and 'truth'...yep..truth in the spiritual sense.

I agree that "The Handmaid's Tale" was a lot to deal with emotionally, and very challenging as a potential avenue of militant neo-conservatism; but the premise that older women who are barren and cannot reproduce and have opted for a handmaiden as surrogate still stands--old biblical tales as contemporary precedent.

A prominent TV personality has recently opted for a giving birth-variation of this avenue of expression. You also mentioned a husband's vasectomy, which is a cutting off of a male's capacity to reproduce his life; i.e., a formalized castration usually chosen when additional offspring are no longer desired in a marriage or a lifetime.

As women are the bearers of children, men are the sires of those children. There is a big difference between the ability of men and women to reproduce themselves. A woman can more or less choose her offspring in any number of choices, while a man must search and find according to a woman's selection and acceptance. Cultures vary on this issue in major ways.

Once upon a time we lived in a safe and relatively sane society (?), where offspring were more or less a safe and secure investment in the economic and evolutionary sense; however, that situation has recently changed.

A lot has changed from what it once was...a scientific theory or a religious expression is solely a matter of family upbringing and acceptance, or personal choice, I suppose, but everyone struggles with the competitive nature of reality in one way or another.

No one holds the keys to every issue in life, and organizational structures funcion as a formalized and planned survival option based on numbers, statistics involving survival, which are inherently based on information of what is know to be happening in the moment based on the past. And then there are the future speculations, the predictions of the future.

The betrayal and trust issue is a difficult issue to address, no doubt about that fact of life. Love and trust are more about "personal" security issues in an "impersonal" world, and emotional and intellectual maturity may or may not come with age. One can only speculate about the future of married life.

Any connubial relationship and association that functions as "Married With Children" has its domestic complications. No one has the perfect marriage or the perfect spouse, or the perfect children, and I know of very few married couples who have not experienced the short-falls or suffered in their married lives in one way or another. One just has to find a way to live through it, grining and bearing it along the way, and aging gracefully.

I honestly am hoping not to be rude, but all you said seemed very psuedo intellectual and philosophical....and of course, made sense. There is really nothing I disagree with except one thing;
You said, "Love and trust are more about "personal" security issues"...which I totally disagree with. Love has nothing to do with security. Quite the opposite (as my relationship has shown)...Love is about giving without expectation in receiving. Did/do I love my husband purely because I was upset and angry when he was unfaithful? Good question. I don't think so. I think I'm learning more about real love as I choose not to turn to anger and just go ahead and feel the pain of betrayal. So...you're very wrong about love having to do with personal security...Love is totally about being vulnerable to pain in an imperfect world...Love is about acceptance.....love is about the 'other' person..and not yourself. And that is pretty damned scarey dontcha think????????...And being frightened has everything to do with NOT being secure. Well...I hope i made sense and I honestly do enjoy reading your posts.

by the way, are you male or female? (maybe we could get into a discussion on true femininity and true masculinity...that would be a lengthy discussion....)

When one reaches the five-decade mark one usually has been around the block a few times and seen and experienced a few things that life has to offer.

Feigning ignorance and complaining about pseudo-intellectual and psychological babble and philosophical leanings are intended to be rude and crude, intended as a slight and put down, and as a means to avoid direct confrontation with the real issues involved.

Such an attitude is just another wasy of saying "I am not stupid, and I was not born yesterday." The last time I heard the use of the term “pseudo-intellectual” was in the early seventies when a neighbor was separating from her husband and considering divorce over his interests in having a good time with other women while in college.

You are just sidestepping the relationship and aging issues you claim to want answers for as personal "Protest." You want a way out, but you do not know the way out. You are trapped in your own discontent. You are smoldering in "anger" over what has happened to you, and now you are a person who wants "justice" for having being "wronged."

You want an arbitrator or negotiator to change things on your behalf, either through a professional counselor, or a licensed attorney. One sees women with this mind-set all the time in a law office. They are usually fuming with vanity. One just has to sit in the outer office to hear all the calculated plans for achieving compensation, justice, and parity. It's a man's world, so to speak.

What you want mostly is control over your circumstances and domination of your marriage situation. You want to be the boss and to wear the pants in the family. And more than anything else, you want to dictate policy and prove to a significant other that you are not be taken lightly.

The reason you want these "things" is because you are the offended party of the first part. You feel that you have been hurt and violated very deeply, and maritally raped through infidelity, promiscuity, and prostitution-pornography as a "sexual addiction-affliction."

There is something of an aging disparity in a near fifty-year old woman who is "carrying on" a thirty-something vanity; it is a twenty-year or more deficit of being considerably behind the times and not wanting to grow older. In terms of "petulancy," if there were "easy answers" to your "life problems," you would have already found them to your satisfaction.

Some thirty years ago I went through what you posted as a similar life event. Betrayal by a significant other in an adulterous and promiscuous way is a difficult process to endure in a personal and family way. I have spent the better part of three decades looking for relevant answers in many quarters of the realm of life. The answers you seek are to be found everywhere as common and cultural knowledge.

The infidelity of a partner can be a very shocking and painful experience, and emotionally disturbing, but it does not have to be the end of one's personality, functionality, or one's purpose. There are many alternatives to consider as a growing process.

As hindsight, I also experienced the "vasectomy rage" that was going around at the height of the women's liberation movement. A mother-in-law, an older woman past her prime with several grown children, was working very hard as a "trouble maker" to get all the males under her domain "cut"; i.e., "castrated" to her willfulness. Essentially, she did not want any more children or grandchildren.

Her motivation was a simple sense of desperation and revenge, because she felt that her life had been taken advantage of by her husband and children. All she did was work on their behalf, she thought, sacrificing herself to their needs. As a person, she was lost in the in the caretaker's role. In the end, she did talk her own sons into being "fixed," while her daughters engaged in "acting out" their mother's fantasy. They divorced their husbands after indulging themselves in promiscuous and adulterous affairs with several "better providers" of the sexual addiction-affliction.

As I mentioned, the sword of truth is a two-edged blade that cuts both ways. What I learned from my life experience and my independent research in these relationship and aging issues is that human beings are a composite of male and female characteristics. Each human being, regardless of whether they a male or female sex, expresses both qualities of male and female as a variation.

Symbolically, the ascendant being is a transcendent androgynous being. The Psychology Of Being, as a mystical and religious agenda, functions as the "Sacred Marriage" within one's self as a "Universal Love," the turning of water into wine.

As for the "love" you speak of on a mundane level, I know you will not find that "love" in another person that you want-wish to have "love" you so dearly; what you will find is just a transient happiness, an on and off again switching of commitment and dedication to your needs, as a vacillating and wavering un-happiness based on your expectations of what quality of "love" should be provided to you by and through another person.

A recently published book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle discusses "the human love relationship and association" as it really is in truth, as an aging maturity experience.



[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 05-29-2003).]

oh wow...what a detailed repy. Very interesting though, at least the first half was. I think I have a sort of attention deficit because I lost interest towards the end. I must say, I'm sorry if the 'pseudo' comment was offensive. I really didn't mean to be rude!

You're very right about not finding love in an individual. Not pure love. I dont' believe any human really has pure love because we live in an imperfect world. I do have faith in a loving God though, and that gives me hope on love's behalf.

Sorry chiron, but you're the one who sounds bitter. You honestly seem to have lost heart. There is arrogance in your 'tone'.

I'm very imperfect, but on a grass roots level I try to stay vulnerable to love. My 'job' (or life's calling) has shown me that about myself. Staying vulnerable is very difficult to do.

I would love to discuss these things face to face. I think it would be entertaining, educational and amusing. don't you?

Chiron...forgot to mention books you should check out; 'Wild At Heart', 'Journey of Desire' and 'Sacred Romance'..(which is not about male-female relationships) all by John Eldredge. Some more I think you would find ....uh...interesting...."Bold Love" Dr. Dan Allander....and 'The Awakened Heart' by Dr. Gerald May....Let me know what you think...

Anatomy is destiny. -- Sigmund Freud

"Once a king, always a king; once a knight, is enough."


Annie, get your gun.

I always draw upon experience, being a crack shot at the age nine.

Personally, I like a tossed Caesar salad now and then with a lot of ruff-age. A little salt and pepper are a good combination that adds flavor to the oil and vinegar of life.

As hindsight, I would not disavow any "bitterness" in my life events, as transference and counter-transference. I have seen plenty of action in a terrifying way. I certainly would not pretend to be a perfect sinner either, try as I will to deal with the curse of perfectionism.

However, I did knowingly and intentionally switch into "the militant diatribe of my father" as "means and ways" to express the everlasting discontent associated with infidelity in two wars. My "arrogant tone" was a shotgun blast from the past. Imagine having to "listen and learn" with such "anger," "rage," and "contempt" in regards to parental crossings, verbal abuse, and marital rape.

As a R'oaming Catholic, my involvement with the graphics of "pornography" have run the contemporary gamut of Sunshine and Health, Playboy, Qui, Penthouse, Hustler, and Victoria's Secret. If it were not for such "Total Exposure," I would know virtually next to nothing about the liberated woman, as the spice of life that is.

Truly, this little exercise in "Mud R'astling" has done me a world of good and has loosened up a lot of “Old R'ust” on these bones. I have been laughing to myself all day as I mowed the grass, thinking about this splendid effort in finding resolution in regards to aging men and younger women.

Reflecting, I kept thinking of your comment regarding the "Shadow," and C. G. Jung's remarks on the Christian Templers, the knights of old who ritualized the embracing of the horned goat-devil and the kissing of its arse as a rite of passage; such was "the epitome of true masculinity" in its day.

When I wrote "The Diatribe," I had just finished reading a book that came my way, "Infinite Abilities" by Ivy Helstein. I will keep a look out for the books you have mentioned.

[This message has been edited by chiron (edited 05-28-2003).]

Annie, yours is an interesting question, and there have been some interesting responses, although I’m not sure some of them really address your original question/concern. Allow me to offer another male perspective. I am a middle-aged guy and have been married to the same wonderful woman for going-on-two-decades. She’s not perfect, but I’ll be the first to admit she comes a lot closer to that ideal than I ever will.

Let me first offer the caveat that I’m no expert on anything, and my opinions are just that..."opinions", based only on my personal experiences and observations and those of people I know and respect.

I’ll give you the short answer to your core question first: No, men do not just want younger women the older they get. That is a major generalization, of course, but I think it is generally true. A woman’s age and appearance are FAR less important than what she does (or does not do).

What men DO want (need, actually!), regardless of age, is to be sexually fulfilled. Now, that means different things to different men, but the bottom line is they want to be satisfied sexually. NEVER underestimate the importance of sexual fulfillment in a man’s life. It is a deal breaker when it comes to a man’s happiness, most men anyway.

The fact that your husband was seeking sexual fulfillment through pornography tells me a couple of things. Firstly, he is a sexual person who has significant sexual desires. Secondly, something is missing. There is a need or desire that is going unfulfilled. You mentioned his “sexual addiction” is a result of some thing or things that happened earlier in his life. Sounds more to me like he’s a man with a healthy sexual appetite who is looking for satisfaction, albeit in the wrong places.

I’m going to pose a couple of questions to you, and I hope you will not take offense. Do you fully understand your husband’s sexual needs and desires? Are you doing everything you can to satisfy them? You and your husband are jointly responsible for his sexual satisfaction....he is responsible for communicating his needs, and you are responsible for helping him find fulfillment. Assuming he has done his part (a big assumption, I’ll admit), are you doing everything you can? If he continues to be faithful, realize that you are the ONLY person in the world who can satisfy a VERY important need in his life.

sportsdad..thanks for your response. It made me think a bit differently. To answer your questions; yes..we had a great sex life. I sometimes, was the one who was dissatisfied 'sexually', not romantically. Women have sexual needs too as I'm sure you know. However some men don't realize this.

My husband does have an addiction because of the nature of his 'infedelities'. Meaning, he wanted to quit and it pulled him, wasted his time, hurt his job performance etc. He led a secret life and it was consuming him in all aspects of his life. He didnt' want that and it became more powerful than his own will. He has been 'clean' now for over a year, and I trust him there.

The only way that i probably let him down was that I gained weight from when I was young. I wasn't 'huge', but i did gain. I have more than lost it and he is grateful. (That's a whole nother issue.) He would tell his online women that he had great sex with his wife and the only reason why he did it, when they asked, was because he was 'messed up'.

Putting that aside, thanks for your first comment about men not desiring younger women especially......i will think on that...annie

Hi Annie, sounds like you and your hubbie are doing fine. You mentioned letting him down because you gained some weight, but that you have since lost the weight. You should be proud of yourself for that!! It’s a very difficult thing to do!

I sense that you are focused on your appearance. In my first post I mentioned that I don’t believe appearance is that important. I guess it’s more important when you are dating/looking for a mate, but when one is in an established, loving relationship I think it is secondary. My wife is a bit heavy (not much, really, but she thinks so), but the ONLY issue I have with that is that it affects her self-esteem and she is less likely to be uninhibited in bed as a result. Physically, I think she is beautiful and very sexy, and she is certainly capable of satisfying me in every way.

I do realize women have sexual needs, and that some men seem to be oblivious to that fact. I don’t know about your husband, but satisfying my wife’s sexual needs is the greatest turn on of all for me, and I think that’s the case for many, if not most men. But my wife’s needs are more limited than mine, and like most women they are not as, shall we say, urgent. At times I wonder if she truely has sexual "needs", or if it's more just a desire to feel close. I truly don’t think most women have a clue what it is like being a man and living with the curse that it the male sex drive. It is simply not the same for women. I will never know what it is like to have PMS, and my wife will never know what it is like to be driven by testosterone, but we are both victims of our hormones in the same sense. Problem is, society doesn’t view it quite that way. SO many relationships would be SO much better if women did not try to understand their man’s sexual needs using the paradigm of their own sexuality.

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Sounds like you’re on the right track.

"I sense that you are focused on your appearance. In my first post I mentioned that I don’t believe appearance is that important. I guess it’s more important when you are dating/looking for a mate, but when one is in an established, loving relationship I think it is secondary.">>>>>>>>>> I appreciate that reply. However, society is swarmed with the message that 'young and sexy' for a woman is the epitome of sexuality. It's difficult to compete with that. Contentment after marriage fights with that concept as well. I realize now, that looks mean a lot to me. As superficial as I may see (or perhaps really am!) that is the truth about me right now.

I put my life into my marriage, my children and my husband for years and years. Now, I am looking for me. I realize just saying that leaves me open for all sorts of judgement, but that's fine....that's where I am. I'm on this sort of journey and I like it. It's scary as well as fun. Ups and downs....So...i'm the one rambling now.

Thanks for replying...

I often wonder, was life for couples any easier lets say 50 or more years ago? The media way back then could only get to us via magazines and possibly at the movies, tv had only just started, no internet/computers, society was different. Everyone seemed to know their place and where they fit in, if they didn't like it, too bad. Living in sin, divorce, unwed mothers were frowned upon. Everything appeared so black and white.

I was born in 1966, so obviously wouldn't have known what it would have been like to be a woman/mother/wife during this time or before. I know certain things must have been difficult, as we are so much more liberated today and so many more things are acceptable.

But what i often wonder, is with modern technology becoming so advanced (eg: internet in just about every home) so much more choice/temptation is available to all of us. We're more influenced by the media too.

A lot of ladies on the boards are concerned with partners cheating on the net and looking at porn on the net. So i'd say for them, that would be one less worry back in the "old" days. Also no video/dvd to play porn. I realise men would have still bought porn type mag's and could still cheat by having affairs or going to prostitutes, but that could all be kept secret, whereas looking and participating in cyber/porn type stuff on the net is so easier to get caught doing.

I guess what i'm really trying to say (and getting lost in the process, lol) is if we took our family/partner which we have today and went back in time to any decade prior to the 50's or there abouts, would the problems we are having with partners/marriages/life be any different?

It would be different only with the means to the end; lust and cheap thrills. I suppose humans are human and deal with the same stuff at any given time. I think, however, that it was more difficult back then though, to get caught. The world was a smaller place then. Going to a prostitute would be a big deal (I'm assuming..could be wrong though). I'm thinking it was a lot more time consuming.

My husband was chatting online and phone with women for at least 3 years before I found out. The only reason I found out was because he left a secret mail email totally open. (i still feel sick when i think of what i found....it was so intimate and I was so unsuspecting!!)Anyway Audrey..thanks for you input.

chiron....i totally enjoyed your last post...maybe i was wrong..maybe you're not bitter as i thought..i denoted a sort of humor in you last response.

So..no other men to give input? DO older men prefer younger women? I've seen some interesting discussions, but the question still remains...I would love to know the real thoughts of men.

Possibly men are afraid of giving some secrets away http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Most probably!!!

annie,

you have given your opion in my post about exploring sexually with my "older" husband. Now, let me give you mine...

I am young, my husband is old. I am in love with him. He is in love with me. Age is just a number. Just a number.

annie,

you have also said that my marriage won't last another year when you replied to my question. This really bothers me. I asked for advice, not for opinions, but if you want to give me your opinion, that's fine. I just never anticipated that kind of opinion from a mature educator. I have seen your other posts and realize that you are angry because your husband cheated on you. Possibly with younger women and that explains that rude opinion. I have to let you know that my husband was not married when we met nor was I looking for a "rich" old man. I wasn't even looking for love. We actually met through his daughter who was a friend of mine. I have three step-children and our family are very supportive because they see how happy we really are. I know that from the outside, it looks wrong and impossible. Trust me, I thought that he was just looking for a sex thing and that was that, but we grew emotionally and physically attractive to eachother. We are two professionals who simply fell in love. I married out of highschool to a cocain addict. I have never done cocain, but the addiction is hard to live with. After abuse and a hard divorce, I decided to never marry. I met my husband and that was the end of that. He is more of a man than I deserve and I love him for that. I work full time and go to college part-time. I make more money than him and we are very very comfortable with our ages. We are a team and I love him with all my heart and soul. We actually believe we were past life lovers also. It does sound crazy, but our connection is so strong it's unbearable at times to know that he is going to die one day and I'll be alone. I tell him that I'll kill myself when he dies because I won't handle the pain. I talk to his ex-wife about the kids and her problems. We have a very "normal" marriage and I hope that you will see it in your heart to judge people on what they are inside, not their age. Age is just a number, regardless of what other people say. Older men may say that they "desire" younger women, but you have to consider this, did you give your husband attention? Did you tell him you're still attracted to him? Sex and love are two different things. Older men have just "sex" with younger women is by all means, their business. But, older men falling in love with younger women, I feel sorry for them. They are put in the society as perverts or so on, but love is on a whole different plane than sex. Yes, we have wonderful sex, he is more experienced and I am very sexually satisfied with him and he is with me, but that's only because our sex life has love in it. Anyway, I'm just rambling on and on. I'm sorry that you feel my marriage won't last, but you can't hate yourself because you are simply aging. Age is just a number. If your husband looks at younger or even other women, don't take it so hard. He's a man.

[This message has been edited by timeclock (edited 06-10-2003).]

[This message has been edited by timeclock (edited 06-10-2003).]

wow...hmmm...let's see..where do I begin? Firstly, are you the one who wanted to ask your husband about swinging? If you are, then I hold to what I said...I think that's nuts! Why marry? If you're not, then let me know who you are and what the context was where I offended you. I appreciate the long reply and I read every word.

Let me defend myself a bit here; my husband and I had great sex before i found out about his sexual addiction. (we still do - maybe even better) He was usually the one who had the headache when I wanted sex. I didn't know it but it was because he was 'spent' by night when i came home from work. He hit rock bottom when i found out and he is very sorry for the damage he caused me and himself. He did not turn to sex because he just has a healthy sexual appetite...the reason for his choice is intricate and goes way back. I won't go into out of respect for him. We are working on recovery and are actually successful. I am older, but have been guessed at 15 years younger than my age. I feel very beautiful and thankful that I do feel that way. I still have younger guys hit on me. That makes me feel pretty good; ( acutally tonight on the way home...lol), i value my sexuality.

Yes, I am insecure; especially after finding out that my husband had a secret internet life. It would do that to anyone I'm sure. However, my identity isn't in a man. This whole trauma is sort of a gift that is causing me to be stronger and more compassionate.

Thus I'll address your situation. If you are the one who wants to explore swinging with your husband, then all you're doing is inviting others in your marriage bed. That says that you're not so excited with 'just' him. You can debate that statement all you like, but I'll still hold to it! I'm not wanting to offend you; however, I do have a sense of values that I go by. Those values tell me what's healthy and what's sick. Swinging, according to my value system is sick and causes lots of negative consequences. It's giving in to primal feelings of sex. Sex is fun and a great game as well as wonderful love making with someone you're committed to and intimate with. I hope that you understand my comments. You sound like a great person with a heart. Having sex with others other than your husband will take away your heart.

Thanks, I feel much better about the whole thing now. I am offended when people say things about my marriage when they don't know me. The whole "swinging" thing was just a way of having fun and exploring more sexual aspects, but I did talk to my huband about it and we decided that we were not going to go with it because if it was going to make either of us a bit jealous or mad, it's not worth it. But thanks anyway for your "opinion". http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

One more thing...

We go to church every Sunday. We are christian people with christian lives, but we do stray...we are not perfect.

I'm glad you feel better time...the only thing I said about your marriage however, is that it will end in probably a year with the mentality of 'swinging'...I believe it too..but am glad you haven't chosen that game. It's very unhealthy...again..my 'opinion' http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Hi Annie
I have read all the replies and enjoyed it very much...I was married for 31 years (almost 32)...now I am divorced and my husband lives with a woman that is two years older then our daughter....by the way I am 56 and he is 57....I think I simply "out grew" my husband as I always had all the responsibility of home, children, work, finances, and everything else while he was always out doing fun things for himself....anyway...through the years...I matured and he didn't so his brain stayed in a very young state....and I think that is the reason he wanted a younger woman....that is all he knows how to relate to....he is intimidated by women close to his own age.... I am not insecure about him going to a young woman....I was too much woman for him sexually and every other way. And I'm not being sarcastic either...one of his doctors said that about his mind not maturing...therefore younger thoughts...younger women....(his men friends were a lot younger also)...

And I have a question too....why don't you have yourself an internet affair?.....or better still have a real affair...and just say it doesn't mean anything...and you still love him... like he probably does you....it will do you a world of good also...and try to learn not to take life too seriously...we are all feeling our way and make a few mistakes along the way....love is also learning how to forgive and forget ....just always be happy within yourself and know who you are....Annie...and try to laugh a lot...It really helps!!!

Annabell...I truly enjoyed your reply and thought about it quite a bit. I can see that you're a pretty 'together' person who knows herself and hasn't lost herself. I envy you because that's the very thing I'm working on...going back to a sense of self. One thing you said though and that is "try not to take life too seriously". That is a biggy for me. I do take life pretty seriously and really am not able to change that. I know that is a deep part of me.

About having an internet affair; I sort of did. It wasn't really sexual, just very romantic. We almost met physically, but i chickened out. He was a lot younger than me, but wasn't real. In that I mean that he held back (never did tell me his real address..something wrong with with-holding that info) and I think he was in it for his ego; sort of a game. That too proved vain, but you're right, it did me a world of good. I felt like a sexual woman again. I felt beautiful and alive.

However, the truth that I'm seeking is that I need to know me. I need to really like me...I need to not look to anyone or anything for my identity. I think the Catholics call it a 'journey' (no, I'm not catholic) I do have a strong faith and maybe that's why I'm more on the serious side of my philosophy of life.

I think you sound like an interesting person that would be great to get to know. I do envy you for the confidence you have. It doesn't seem to be a fake confidence either. Honestly, your ex sounds like a creep. (I'm still pretty judgemental!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif )

Anyway, I just don't think that a real or otherwise affair would do the trick. I do enjoy the looks that i get from men though. Thanks again for your reply. (PS--are you having a relationship with a man now?)

Annie, if I may ask, did your Internet affair occur before or after your husband’s? Have you sought help, as he did?

Definately after; I was looking for what I had lost with my husband. Yes, I decided to get help when I realized that I was putting my life in jeopardy when I wanted to meet this guy in real life. It's a long haul to the door of healing, and surely there are scars, but my husband has changed immensly and I respect him for that. He is willing to work on himself and therefore it affects our relationship for the better. I am also willing to work on me. It's been tough though!!! It's been a huge wake up call to what life is all about.

mimi...i read and re-read your post. I really appreciate all you had to say. However, i think men are men, now and always. Sex is sex, and love is love. I love sex actually, just because it feels so great. Yet, for a long time i wasn't able to seperate love and sex. Now, at this age, i'm just beginning to. anyway, life is strange and you don't have too long to figure it out and then boom...it's over. Enjoy it while you're here- and that's different for everyone. i wish that i didn't like men so much http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Hi mimreco2....your post doesn't offend me, but reading it i get the general feel that you may have been let down by the men in your life. You are right though, a woman doesn't owe a man her body, but in the context of a loving and fulfilling relationship it's a natural thing to do, meaning sharing each others bodies. I just couldn't be in a relationship and not give of myself to my partner with my body, heart and soul.

As for the bible and those days in general, i'd say there was a lot of crazy stuff going on way back then and thats probably why we ended up with the comandements and religion in general. Basically everything we have now, we had back then, only there wasn't much of a media and most things were kept hidden and in private, whereas today so many things are out in the open and due to media many things become acceptable. I don't see it as a reason to hate men, ther are many men out there who are hard done by their women too. Women have only been given a go since the sexual revolution whereas men have been going on their merry way since time began, so women can't look at changing men within the space of a few decades when men have had certain liberties since time began. No offence to any males who may take this the wrong way either. In the end, you can't look/change the big picture on a grand scale, just find a partner who is a match for you. It might take some time weeding out the good guys from the bad, but in the end, i'd not have a world without the male species http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

i briefly just read a few of the post here and wanted to comment:

of course it is only human to experience frustration, sadness, jealousy, anger, etc when someone strays. i had a deceitful, cheating father who led my mother on for a long time. later, i had a wonderful boyfriend who i cherished and thought was my soul mate. he ended up deceiving me as well and i've never been so disappointed in my life . it has been 5 years now and what i've learned is to have a different perspective.

if a guy strays , he has actually done so in his heart a long time ago. if you know that you have been a loving and caring partner, this kind of guy is not worth crying over.

i have a bf now and we are very happy but who knows what will happen in 2 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. . i will get older and i hope he continues to find me attractive. there are things out of my control, and things in my control.

i want to focus my energy on things i have control on so i focus on myself. i keep myself attractive. i can keep myself entertained . i read books and pursue my personal interests. if he ever strays from me i will take comfort in the the knowledge that i have a lot of passon and knowledge to share and someone else is out there.

sorry to stand on a soapbox, but don't like someone else control your life like that.