reneeintx
06-09-2003, 05:15 PM
I have two sons 17&16 My 17 year old as a baby was hard to deal with, being colicky and sensitive to light and sound. I was 20 at the time an have never been around babies. At times I wished I didn't have him. My mom never lifted a finger to help me or even answer my questions. She said she was too young to be a grandmother and had her own things to do.
Today this same son is moody, doesn't tell me anything that goes on in his life, ignores me. My husband thinks that my kid picked up all this since a child and resents me.
My other son was a good baby, hardly cried, happy gerber baby and was a joy to raise.
These kids are good, get good grades, don't cuss, smoke take drugs ect.
I find my younger son so much more pleasant to be around. (big surprise..right?)
I admit I was much harder and stressed with my first one. Now my kid gives me the cold shoulder and I believe he has every right too.
How can I fix this?? I feel like crap because I feel I favor the younger child more, and it is no secret.
I'm sad, really sad :(
Renee
Today this same son is moody, doesn't tell me anything that goes on in his life, ignores me. My husband thinks that my kid picked up all this since a child and resents me.
My other son was a good baby, hardly cried, happy gerber baby and was a joy to raise.
These kids are good, get good grades, don't cuss, smoke take drugs ect.
I find my younger son so much more pleasant to be around. (big surprise..right?)
I admit I was much harder and stressed with my first one. Now my kid gives me the cold shoulder and I believe he has every right too.
How can I fix this?? I feel like crap because I feel I favor the younger child more, and it is no secret.
I'm sad, really sad :(
Renee
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Julie-K
06-09-2003, 08:11 PM
Hi Renee
I can sympathise. had much the same problem with eldest daughter (colicky, sensitive first child, I too was a young mother 19) the other 2 babies were gems in comparison(and I wasn't so nervous)!
She is now 22 and over the last 3 years we have become best friends, in fact I probably have a better relationship with her than the other 2! I did despair though especially through her teen years we seemed to reach a point where we didn't even like each other. I think I sort of stopped trying to have the same relationship I had with the other 2 with her, and just reached out as a friend and thankfully she reciprocated.
Don't discount a great relationship with your 17 year old, maybe just look for a 'different' one. You obviously love him and I am sure he loves you, don't feel guilty just look forward to a new start with him.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Jules
I can sympathise. had much the same problem with eldest daughter (colicky, sensitive first child, I too was a young mother 19) the other 2 babies were gems in comparison(and I wasn't so nervous)!
She is now 22 and over the last 3 years we have become best friends, in fact I probably have a better relationship with her than the other 2! I did despair though especially through her teen years we seemed to reach a point where we didn't even like each other. I think I sort of stopped trying to have the same relationship I had with the other 2 with her, and just reached out as a friend and thankfully she reciprocated.
Don't discount a great relationship with your 17 year old, maybe just look for a 'different' one. You obviously love him and I am sure he loves you, don't feel guilty just look forward to a new start with him.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Jules
crabbycdn
06-09-2003, 10:43 PM
It is quite normal to not "like" your children the "same". They are different people and your relationship with each will be different. Also, boys go through some real "sorting out" emotionally between 15 and 18 and can be quite difficult as they find their way in the world. Your feeling guilty will do nothing for the relationship or for your son. Love him totally and like him the best you can. I had a similar relationship with my eldest son. He is now married and we have a great relationship. My middle son is now 17 and feels like HE is the one that is unloved right now...which is hogwash. We spent the entire day together yesterday and had a wonderful time while my husband worked on the truck with our youngest. Last night I took the youngest swimming and to mini-golf and had a wonderful time with HIM. Sometimes the alone time to nourish your relationship is a great healer and bridge builder. You care how he feels...that speaks volumes.
reneeintx
06-10-2003, 01:15 PM
Both your posts are making me teary-eyed. I really apprecitate them.
I'm glad the barriers have been dissolved for you and your children. I can only hope that it will happen for me and my son.
In the meantime I'm going to love him the best was I know how, even if he rolls his eyes. My husband believes he will get over this stage fairly soon.
Although it's no doubt my son favors my husband. You see I'm the disiplinarian(sp) what teenager wants someone telling..I mean yelling at them to clean their room, take their vitamins and behave while out crusin'
My husband does none of this. He believes kids should be kids because they'll have the rest their lives to be adults. My husband is very tolerant and very low key, nothing ever bothers him. My sons LOVE that. They always pal around, talk, play computer games, and then there's me :(
Julie~I'm glad to hear someone else had a hard time with a newborn besides me. I was very immature, and had no clue. I got very depressed. I would see other new mothers with a glow about them and there was me so stressed. :(
crabby~I was the middle child, and was always considered an outcast. My mother even told me every family has a black sheep and I'm the one. I remember it like yesterday I was 6 years old. I had a rough childhood, never believed I was good enough, and to this day it haunts me. I've tried college numerous times, never finished. I've had numerous jobs, alway quit though. I feel this all stems from self worth. I'm always willing to help out, go the extra mile and people take advantage of that and I resent it.
My original post is about treating children the same but sometimes I think maybe this all comes from my childhood. My mother never treated me special..maybe I do the same to my son, and don't realize it.
Thanks for both your posts.. they give me hope!!
Renee :wave:
I'm glad the barriers have been dissolved for you and your children. I can only hope that it will happen for me and my son.
In the meantime I'm going to love him the best was I know how, even if he rolls his eyes. My husband believes he will get over this stage fairly soon.
Although it's no doubt my son favors my husband. You see I'm the disiplinarian(sp) what teenager wants someone telling..I mean yelling at them to clean their room, take their vitamins and behave while out crusin'
My husband does none of this. He believes kids should be kids because they'll have the rest their lives to be adults. My husband is very tolerant and very low key, nothing ever bothers him. My sons LOVE that. They always pal around, talk, play computer games, and then there's me :(
Julie~I'm glad to hear someone else had a hard time with a newborn besides me. I was very immature, and had no clue. I got very depressed. I would see other new mothers with a glow about them and there was me so stressed. :(
crabby~I was the middle child, and was always considered an outcast. My mother even told me every family has a black sheep and I'm the one. I remember it like yesterday I was 6 years old. I had a rough childhood, never believed I was good enough, and to this day it haunts me. I've tried college numerous times, never finished. I've had numerous jobs, alway quit though. I feel this all stems from self worth. I'm always willing to help out, go the extra mile and people take advantage of that and I resent it.
My original post is about treating children the same but sometimes I think maybe this all comes from my childhood. My mother never treated me special..maybe I do the same to my son, and don't realize it.
Thanks for both your posts.. they give me hope!!
Renee :wave:
littlebluefrog
06-10-2003, 07:02 PM
I listen to Dr. Laura and she addressed this once. To sum up her response she said the caller should show love with her actions even if the feelings wheren't there. It's when you act on your favoratism that you are doing something wrong. I'm sure it's quite commen what your feeling and part of it can just be your childs temperment and nothing you had anything to do with.
tagger
06-10-2003, 08:50 PM
I have two children. My first is an adopted girl of Chinese origin. (just turned 11 yrs). My second was a surprise! He is just turned 8 yrs. My daughter was the perfect baby, perhaps due to her first nine months in an orphanage in China. She learned at a very tender age to comfort herself at night and survived the discomfort of parasites, scabies etc all on her own. Only over the last year or so has she become "difficult" as she hurtles into early adolescence (sp?). She began her menarchy just after she turned 10 yrs and already is losing her 12yr molars. She has always been an independent sort and hugging and physical demonstraions of love are uncomfortable for her. Lately we've been "butting heads" over all the usual stuff. (disastrous bedroom, homework etc) My boy, on the other hand, loves hugs and snuggles (I was told even when I was pregnant that boys are usually more loving with their moms), shares my love of animals (my daughter has no such feelings)and is generaly more "loving".
My husband and I don't feel that the adoption/natural child thing is an issue. I have spoken to many parents (like yourself) who interact differently with each of their children. I am something of a Leo Buscaglia fan and whenever I can I hug my daughter, sometimes I literally catch her be surprise on her way by! When they ask, as all children do "who do you love the most?", I answer "I love both of you to bits, but just as you're different people I love you each in different ways".
We are fortunate in that we have "one of each" so the sibling rivalry at least isn't about Barbie or baseball.
My kids haven't reached the ages of yours so I may be way off base, but I still believe in lots of demonstraions of loving....hugs...lots of "I love you"s and letting them know that we're proud of both of their achievments and they should be proud of themselves.
I do differentiate between "I love you" and "I don't love the way you're behaving". I try to make them understand that thuogh my love for both of them has no limits, I may not love the things they are doing and saying. My eight yrs old, for example, fibs alot and tells TALL tales (we're working on that)
We are by no means the perfect family. Who is?! But even when you're ripping your hair out, do try to find the tiniest thing that you love about your son and grab onto it and hold on tight. Right now I;m having a really rough ride with my daughter but I'm holding on tight and I won't let go no matter how hard she tests me.
My mother went through the same with me and she refused to let go no matter how hard of a time I gave her.
I think after all these yrs all her patience and hard work paid off. No mother can be perfect. I surely am not as you will find me on other forums on this board!
Best of luck with your parenting. It's the biggest challenge in life isn't it?...Tagger
My husband and I don't feel that the adoption/natural child thing is an issue. I have spoken to many parents (like yourself) who interact differently with each of their children. I am something of a Leo Buscaglia fan and whenever I can I hug my daughter, sometimes I literally catch her be surprise on her way by! When they ask, as all children do "who do you love the most?", I answer "I love both of you to bits, but just as you're different people I love you each in different ways".
We are fortunate in that we have "one of each" so the sibling rivalry at least isn't about Barbie or baseball.
My kids haven't reached the ages of yours so I may be way off base, but I still believe in lots of demonstraions of loving....hugs...lots of "I love you"s and letting them know that we're proud of both of their achievments and they should be proud of themselves.
I do differentiate between "I love you" and "I don't love the way you're behaving". I try to make them understand that thuogh my love for both of them has no limits, I may not love the things they are doing and saying. My eight yrs old, for example, fibs alot and tells TALL tales (we're working on that)
We are by no means the perfect family. Who is?! But even when you're ripping your hair out, do try to find the tiniest thing that you love about your son and grab onto it and hold on tight. Right now I;m having a really rough ride with my daughter but I'm holding on tight and I won't let go no matter how hard she tests me.
My mother went through the same with me and she refused to let go no matter how hard of a time I gave her.
I think after all these yrs all her patience and hard work paid off. No mother can be perfect. I surely am not as you will find me on other forums on this board!
Best of luck with your parenting. It's the biggest challenge in life isn't it?...Tagger
linnybee428
06-10-2003, 11:02 PM
There's probably not much you can do. I knew my mom hated me the most. She resented me for being the oldest child and the most like my dad. She hated me throughout the divorce because I, unlike my sisters, would argue and scream back and get mad whenever she insulted my father.
I have always been the least sweet child and no one in my family was shy about bringing that up. I knew my mom didn't like me as much as my sisters and that made me not want to make an effort to get along with her. But now that I am in college things have changed and our relationship has matured. Just give it time, all this crap will make it all the better once things work out.
I have always been the least sweet child and no one in my family was shy about bringing that up. I knew my mom didn't like me as much as my sisters and that made me not want to make an effort to get along with her. But now that I am in college things have changed and our relationship has matured. Just give it time, all this crap will make it all the better once things work out.
HoosierBj
06-11-2003, 10:42 AM
There were 4 of us kids, and we all grew up feeling loved. But now that we are 53, 51, 49 & 47 it's very clear to all of us that Mom loves each of us "differently".
She loves my oldest sister's practicality & similarity to our Dad.
She loves my next oldest sister's zest for life.
She loves my friendship & compatibility.
She loves my brother because he's the "baby" & because he is so philosophical.
And we ALL think she loves the others best, and that she loves US best, all at the same time.
Find the part of each child that you love and the rest will follow!
She loves my oldest sister's practicality & similarity to our Dad.
She loves my next oldest sister's zest for life.
She loves my friendship & compatibility.
She loves my brother because he's the "baby" & because he is so philosophical.
And we ALL think she loves the others best, and that she loves US best, all at the same time.
Find the part of each child that you love and the rest will follow!
Julie-K
06-11-2003, 09:03 PM
Renee
Have been thinking of you. I went through all the stages you are going through eg: My mother didn't treat me well, so I was the same type of mother with my first baby.
It's so hard and we are so hard on ourselves. One day it came to me my mother did the best she could and so had I (but now I could do better), that was the time I reached out to my daughter (and my mother too).
I guess it's true you have to deal with your own issues before you can deal with anyone elses.
My daughter also favored her father, which now is great because they also have a fantastic relationship.
My life became easier when I could stop analysing and 'blaming'(myself mostly) and just decided to love all of my family the 'best I could' and hope they would love me back.
Much love to you, take it easy on yourself, and just enjoy reaching out to your son and forgiving yourself (and maybe your mother)
All the best
Julie
Have been thinking of you. I went through all the stages you are going through eg: My mother didn't treat me well, so I was the same type of mother with my first baby.
It's so hard and we are so hard on ourselves. One day it came to me my mother did the best she could and so had I (but now I could do better), that was the time I reached out to my daughter (and my mother too).
I guess it's true you have to deal with your own issues before you can deal with anyone elses.
My daughter also favored her father, which now is great because they also have a fantastic relationship.
My life became easier when I could stop analysing and 'blaming'(myself mostly) and just decided to love all of my family the 'best I could' and hope they would love me back.
Much love to you, take it easy on yourself, and just enjoy reaching out to your son and forgiving yourself (and maybe your mother)
All the best
Julie
pattiann38
06-14-2003, 09:13 PM
If your boys are good kids, don't swear, don't do drugs, get good grades then you have obviously done lots right by both of them!!!!! Don't be so hard on yourself but obviously it's bothering you. You can always sit down with your boy and tell him the truth and that you feel bad and ask him what you can do to better the relationship. Often if the adult changes, the child will follow the lead. I think its commendable you care enough to seek advice from others. And I agree with a lot of the other responses in that the teens years are hell to get thru for everyone but generally it does mellow out. Take care.