I was not sure which forum to place this question in.

My father who is 79 has been in the hospital almost 2 months, he had stomach surgery but has gone downhill since then. He is confused big time to the point where most times he thinks I am my Mom (my Mom passed away 4 years ago), he tells me my Mom and his parents come to 'visit' him and having a normal conversation with him is out of the question because nothing he says makes sense .. he can watch TV and laugh but there is no TV in his room. After my Mom died my Dad sort of started going downwards, depression and such but this is extreme, he refuses to eat and they try to force him this thickened water crap which is totally gross, he also cannot walk anymore. The Dr's tell me he is not ready to die but I wonder if he has just givin up, my Dad has told me that he does want to die and be with my Mom (he told me this about a month ago when he was more with it) .. I almost hope something would happen (I know that sounds bad) but seeing him like this just tears at me, has anyone seen this sort of thing with an older person?

I have no family here and watching him go through this on my own is very difficult

Thank you for reading

Hi, Leeanne,

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you have no one to hold your hand through this difficult and sad time. I'd encourage you to ask a friend or a church staff member to be with you.

I remember you said your Dad has Alzheimer's. I don't know if it can progress as quickly as his symptoms have, but it is a part of end stage Alzheimer's that the person forgets how to walk, sit up, swallow, and lose interest in food. A web site about Alzheimer's has an article I read that says it is important to remember that Alzheimer's is a terminal disease (however fast or slow) and that the goal of eating for the end stage patient is pleasure and enjoyment, not nutrition. It seems to me that your Dad needs to be offered yummy food that he likes, not the stuff they're trying to feed him that you described - yuck! If he can swallow, ask the doctor if you can bring him a small burger and milkshake (or whatever he liked)and help him eat a little bit. Maybe you can talk to the hospital dietitian, too, about soft but real food as an alternative to the yucky stuff.

I'm not sure if a mid to late stage Alzheimer's patient can really give up. That intention probably requires more thought and constancy than they can remember to do.

If there's talk about releasing you Dad from the hospital,the hosptial's discharge planning department (social workers) can help you plan how to best meet those challenges and where you can find help. In the USA, many hospice organizations help end stage Alzheimer's and their families. They may be a resource for you, too.

Of course, having been in the hospital so long, his Alzheimer's could be temporarily worsened by the simple confusion that is common among the hospitalized elderly. Your description makes it sound like his Alzheimer's is worse,though.

I wish you well. My thoughts and prayers are with you - Barbara

My dad spoke of seeing his brothers and other members of his family about a week before he passed away. He had problems related to smoking for many years. When I went to visit him he told me that they had come for a visit. When he passed away he donated his body to the local DR school and later we got his ashes back.

In the mean time my moms health had gone to worse and we put her in a nursing home. After we got his ashes back she decided that that was pretty much the end for her and decided that she no longer wanted her meds or to eat. That she was ready to join him. About 2 weeks after she passed away.

With both of them and some other family members earlier I had wished them goodbye in their final moments. That if they were ready to go that the family here would be OK. That the family was waiting for them to take them to a better place and they would no longer be sick.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad had Alzheimers so I know just what you are going through. My mom had to finally put him in a nursing home, couldn't take care of him anymore. We think he recognized us, but we're really not sure. I always had a hard time going into the room to see him 'cause I'd start crying, then had to leave the room. He also used to hallucinate from the drugs he was given for the illness. It's just horrible to see someone you love go through this. I can't even imagine how they feel inside going through this. Just show him you love him, be there for him, that's the best advice I can give you.

[This message has been edited by 3tbear (edited 08-05-2003).]

[This message has been edited by 3tbear (edited 08-05-2003).]

Leeanne,

How are you doing? You and your dad have been in my prayers. As I wrote on the Alzheimer's board, I hope you've found help or some satisfactory solution.

I wish you well, Barbara

i think barbarah's advice is right on the money ... the best thing you can do for him now is hospice care, where they are extremely kind, and won't force your dad to do anything he doesn't want to ...

i wish my mum had taken my advice, but she didn't ... BTW, do you have power of attorney?

Hospice is wonderful. I wanted to say that it may be that your Father needs you to tell him it's okay to die. That everything will be okay. I think someone else had mentioned it but I know from past experience with a few of my relatives that it was important for them to hear that.

My father-in-law just passed away after having severe dementia for the last 6 six years. His body just wouldn't quit. On his death certificate they said it was partly due to the effects of Alzheimers but the doctors wouldn't diagnose him with it while he was alive. He had all kinds of tests.

It is so hard to see people we love go downhill. My prayers are with you.

Leeanne --

My father went downhill suddenly after stomach surgery as well. Some people believe anesthesia can cause confusion in the elderly; others believe the mental decline was already there, and the anesthesia only worsened it.

The prognosis for my dad was very poor. His doctor said he was "nursing-home bound." However, it turned out the dramatic decline was due to his receiving too high a dose of a drug. Once that was corrected, he recovered 99% -- he came back to live at home and functioned normally for at least two more years.

Another time he went downhill suddenly (severe confusion, incontinence, couldn't swallow, etc. -- seemingly overnight) -- and it was attributed to too high a dose of Haldol. Again, he recovered almost completely after discontinuing the drug.

Bottom line: since your dad is being hospitalized, I would find out exactly what medications he's receiving, and their doses. Maybe an interaction between two drugs is causing the problem.

In my dad's case, his recoveries seemed miraculous. I hope the same for you.