My mother is 90 years old and dying slowly of congestive heart failure and complications like renal failure. She is very uncomfortable but not in pain. I am the only child and only relative. She is in long term care (Nursing Home) in another city, 4 hours away. It is exhausting for both my husband and I to travel there and be there. She resents it if I am not around. However, if I am around, it is never enough. Before it was bad and she was friendly. Now, when I call her she has become nasty and last night she banged down the phone. She does not have Alzheimer's disease. Since she became sicker, she has started to show cognitive defects and says some really crazy things sometimes. I am trying not to react - but it is hard. She has no friends left (they died) and no relatives but me.

I really feel for you and can somewhat relate to the nastiness. You didn't actually ask a question, right?
How often do you visit her? If it were me I would go as often as I felt I was helping and being appreciated for coming. When she's nice go more often; when she isn't wait a little longer before going back and tell her, "you seemed angry at me when I was here last so I hesitated to return." Same with the phone: if she's nice, chat away. If she's not say, "I see you're not in a good mood today; so I'll let you go. Love You!" and hang up.
Just my opinion; I had both parents in nursing homes at the same time and was verbally abused by one of them and worse. Best of Luck to You

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Susan Gene

She probably has great fear. She does not want to die alone. Ask her if she would like to speak with a minister.

Good luck,

G

Thank you for replying to my message.
To clarify my message:
1. The four hour drive is along a highway - I cannot drive highway - only husband drives and he is greatly fatigued by it
2. I cannot punish my mother when she cannot remember what she said
3. She doesn't want to see a minister - I asked
4. You are right, she is probably afraid to die
5. I have been taking care of her for years at the expense of my own health
6. Since posting - I have found out that elderly people facing death often become abusive to those they love most...their caregivers and closest relatives. It just makes it harder on relatives who are only caregivers....

My heart goes out to you. Just continue to love herand let her know that you are there for her. As difficult as it is now, youwill be glad you did this when she is gone.

montreal, I understand your feelings. My dad has CHF. He told me just today that he'll have to go to a nursing home soon. He doesn't remember things that happened 5 minutes ago. I'm lucky that I have a sister who takes him for a month or so at a time. She lives 12 hours away so she's not here daily but at least I get the reprieve a few times a year. A lot of times, I'll meet my sister half way so he can get down there. My sister works and I did until my health problems came up 6 months ago so sometimes that was the only way we could get him there.
Your mother is really lucky to have you.
Don't take to heart what your mother says when she appears angry. You know she's always loved you.
With CHF, the blood pressure will sometimes drop dramtically. I noticed that my dad gets REALLY NASTY with me when this happens. I asked his doc why that is. She said it's probably because the oxygen to the brain is temporarily interrupted causing these mood swings.
It's a really difficult to go through for all of you.
If I may ask, why is your mother not in a nursing home closer to you? Does she like it in the home she's in?
This may sound like a cruel question. It really is not meant to be. Have you asked your mother where she wants to die? She may be afraid of dying in that nursing home. If she's near the end of this cruel disease and it is feasable for you and your husband, would hospice or a nurse at your home be an option for you?
Like I said before, I know what you're going through. We went through this with my grandfather too. And altzheimers with my grandmother.
God bless you for what you're doing for your mother.
Barb

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"Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things".

Even children can get very abusive when very sick. We might hear something coming out of our mouth that is a temporary loss of control of what we want to say and how to say it.

Elderly patients may be as shocked as you are at what they say and their lack of control of it. Nothing's working right, even their tongue.

Adult offspring can be alienated, not having ever experienced it themselves. Just say, "You didn't mean that to sound the way it did, at all, did you?" and give them a hug? Both you and they have fear of abandonment (death) and not being understood and loved. The long trip is made harder by your dread of facing up to her death, being alone in the world afterwards, right? One of the stages of grief is anger about being abandoned. Maybe you're already grieving since the case is hopeless. Both of you are feeling hopeless. Very difficult.

Small children and wounded animals may growl and bite, seem to reject and hate you although they want help. Pain and fear that you'll hurt them more, right? When the elderly person knows he's leaving you but it's going to take a long time, nastiness is probably a way of them helplessly grieving. Hope something here helps. I haven't really been there but trying to picture it in my imagination. When you're sick and the children can't face it so you're all alone, you have moments of anger, because you were always there for them no matter what, but you weren't so helpless.



[This message has been edited by Eagle (edited 10-15-2003).]

when you're sick it's hard to be nice. My mother has been crabby all her life she's really unhappy when something good happens to me. Just keep the good memories you have and do your best with her. Try to think of the good times with her when she gets like that. It's not likely you'll ever please her right now.

I know how you feel...

When my mother was dying (of liver cancer) I was the only one to take care of her (no relatives around).

During the final months she did and said things that really got me irritated and angry. Quite often I just wanted to run away, but I couldn't, since there wasn't anyone else to take care of her.

So, since I couldn't stand listening to her, I just had to learn how not to listen to her words - just to be there for her.
I learned to love and accept her more than I was willing to... and today I'm grateful life gave me the chance to learn it.

I believe that for some of us it is important to learn to accept totally, and for others it is important not to. I don't think there is a general solution to situations like that.

I just wish you all the best - please remember you're not alone...

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Halina - Denmark

Could you possibly have your dying Mom moved closer, and also tell her you appreciate her for taking care of and raising you? She probably feels it would be immodest of her to bring it up, and also would seem like heaping guilt on you. She needs reassurance and you need the same from her.

You could say, "And you appreciate me too, right, Mom, now that our roles will be reversed and I'm taking care of you for a change?"

You asked, and I sure hope the suggestions help. Complaints when she may be feeling guilty about being a burden probably feel like SELFDEFENSE to her. Mothers know when the kids are complaining behind their backs. We may have had our own interests so long waiting for them to get situated and think of us, that they're thinking, we didn't learn geriatrics in college! Moms know you. I'm sure it's not her fault she's so far away. Somebody put her there.

And bless you, Halinagold !

Have things improved in any way?

See, we're still thinking about you, couple of months later. :wave:

My prayers are with you. I can somewhat relate to your situation. I am an only child with no other relatives. My mom suddenly developed leukemia, and went from being vibrant and energetic to hardly walking within one week, went into the hospital and didn't want chemotherapy.

My mom became very argumentative (more than normally!) and verbally abusive towards me while she was in the hospital. I should have tried to just let it roll off my shoulders, but I'll admit, I argued back & probably said some things to her that I later regretted.

My point is that your mom is probably very scared but won't admit it. So, instead it comes out as anger towards you. She has a right to be angry about her health and situation. Know that she doesn't mean to be angry at you...you're just the one there that she's taking it out on.

Unfortunately, after 3 weeks in the hospital my mom passed away.

Please just try to comfort your mom the best you can...and try to take good care of yourself and your health. I know it's so hard when you don't have any other family members to rely on.

Do you have any friends who are willing to help out? What about a hospice program?

Please let us all know how you're doing.

This is just my opinion, but maybe she is trying to push you away so you wont be so hurt when she passes away?? Anyhow, good luck!

Thank you for replying to my message.
To clarify my message:
1. The four hour drive is along a highway - I cannot drive highway - only husband drives and he is greatly fatigued by it
2. I cannot punish my mother when she cannot remember what she said
3. She doesn't want to see a minister - I asked
4. You are right, she is probably afraid to die
5. I have been taking care of her for years at the expense of my own health
6. Since posting - I have found out that elderly people facing death often become abusive to those they love most...their caregivers and closest relatives. It just makes it harder on relatives who are only caregivers....


1. is there bus service or train service between the two cities? perhaps a friend who'd agree to drive you once in a great while? some people get a lot of joy out of doing something for a friend in need but they have to make their needs known -- you know, the kind of person who says, "well, if there's anything i can do ...", instead of "what can i do to help?" you may be surprised if you only ask
2. i completely agree -- it would be an additional punishment, and meaningless, if she doesn't know what she just said ...
4. she probably is, and doesn't want to die in a nursing home ... is there hospice service where you live?
5. that's a conundrum -- your own health ... go as much as you can bear to, i guess ... caring for the caregiver is very important, perhaps critical ...

you say she's not in pain, but some discomfort -- i've been in so-called discomfort, and sometimes it can be worse than pain ...

i have nothing more to suggest -- my own mum died in great pain because she absolutely refused to have hospice in, and her brain was affected in the end too ... (do you have power of attorney, by the way?)

my heart goes out to you too ... all we can hope is that at 90, and being so sick, she won't suffer much more ... you sound so sad :( ...

jb

[QUOTE=montreal1951]
She is old, ill, lonely and when she acts out remember it's the situation. She is around sick people & that can be distressing....Could you request a priest visit with her? At the home, do they have activities that she can take part in? Pet therapy? It is harder when the mind is able and the body is not willing. It's hard. Sudden outbursts of hostility could be a signal something is up. My grandmother had hostile moments and it would be easy to develop a complex if you did'nt know any better. Make sure she is comfortable. It's the illness.

Hi-
A BIG BIG BIG thought....have you thought of hospice care? It is an amazing benefit, covered by medicare, offers support to family and patient, lots of services, chaplian, massage therapy, music therapy, nurse visits, home health aide visits, counseling, volunteer visits, grief counseling, etc. I manage an assisted living and use hospice frequently and it is amazing how it makes the dying process and end of life care better. Many residents become hostile when they are uncomfortable and not necessarily in pain. Hospice is about pain and symptom management and if it is a good hospice then digs into deeper issues (personal, spiritual, etc.). Sometimes it helps to bring in a third person to help with those things. Unfortunately the family/loved one gets the blunt of the dirty work and crabbiness of a ailing loved one. Good luck, I would love to hear how it goes.
M

montreal1951,

i can't tell you how much i agree with lisannquick -- it's really a wonderful service (i know i mentioned it to you before) -- how is your poor mother???

jb

Gemi, I think that's well-said. It's the illness.

Don't know why I didn't think of it till now, but when I was young I once had a breast cyst, was scared to death and a bit jealous of my husband because I was fearing the worst, him going on with life w/out me. Depression.

I've never felt that way again with other illnesses. Next Nov. we'll have our 50th anniversary ! Hope it's not callous of me to share a bit of happiness when you have such sorrow. When this is over, maybe you'll have a lot of happy years, and in your Mom's shoes or slippers, wouldn't you be jealous?

Obviously she doesn't want to go and is feeling "Why me." We're sticking with you. I know you'll make it through. What about a church group? Ask for prayers and maybe some of them will even offer to take turns visiting, even if you're new. On the other hand they may not feel they know you that well, but "nothing ventured, nothing gained". The prayers will help.

we are meant to take care of our parents as they age. If she can't be in your house due to need for hospitalization or care you can't afford then you really need to move her closer. I think it is terrible that you let her suffer alone and only visit her once in a while and resent her for having to drive a long time and visit her " at the expense of your own health". I used to work in a nursing home it is terrible what they go through.

You have to understand when parents have children you become their meaning in life. I think if you were dying and suffering and sick and treated like dirt you would understand how important meaning is.

How well I know the feeling. My 90 yr. old mother lived with me until her death at 94. The last three years she was bedridden and perfectly lucid, and I was able to leave her alone with TV remote, telephone, etc. I would dash home from work to fix lunch for her, change her incontinent briefs, etc. She, too, had congestive heart failure and began not to eat. I gave her Ensure (which she really didn't like), and Iwas upset because I wanted to keep her going and told her she had to take nourishment. She gradually became very hostile. I was her caregiver, my brother and family did little, but I was the bad guy. I finally was at my wit's end, and gave her permission to pass on and suggested she pray to be taken home because she was so miserable. She said she was, and the next week she passed away. I was trying so hard to keep her going when I suspect she didn't want to and began to get mean. And she lived with me - so I was with her every day and night. It was very difficult, but I have no regrets about taking care of her. I did the best I could, and that's all anyone can expect of themselves. Maggie

Sometimes meds can also cause personality changes, so maybe talk to her doctor about it.

My mother is 90 years old and dying slowly of congestive heart failure and complications like renal failure. She is very uncomfortable but not in pain. I am the only child and only relative. She is in long term care (Nursing Home) in another city, 4 hours away. It is exhausting for both my husband and I to travel there and be there. She resents it if I am not around. However, if I am around, it is never enough. Before it was bad and she was friendly. Now, when I call her she has become nasty and last night she banged down the phone. She does not have Alzheimer's disease. Since she became sicker, she has started to show cognitive defects and says some really crazy things sometimes. I am trying not to react - but it is hard. She has no friends left (they died) and no relatives but me.Hi,
It sounds like such a sad situation. Is there no way to have her closer to you so you could see her a couple times a week? It must be so scary to feel like you're going to die all alone. I think we expect our children to always be there and when they are not, especially at the end, it's a rude awakening. I feel for you. My mother is 88 and she lives with my sister, so we all get to see her and take her out a few times a week, so I can't imagine what a terrible position you're in. I hope you are able to move her closer to you, because driving 8 hours back and forth would tire anyone out. Good luck.

Pat

discomfort can be as bad as or worse than pain: imagine the feeling of someone sitting on your chest all the time ... and i wouldn't want to die in a long-term care facility either -- it's a completely strange place, and strange nurses/assistants/doctors come and go ... are there no hospice services in your area? it's a wonderful organization -- they can be a great help to you, and your mum could die in your home, instead of some nameless faceless institution ...

please understand that i'm not blaming you in the least for your mother's difficulties and completely agree with patinz -- it must be very tough for you to drive eight hours there and back, and exhausting too -- i couldn't do it ... can you try to see it thru' your mum's eyes tho'? surely it won't be that long, and i can feel her loneliness ...

and yet i can see, that in this day and age with parents living far from their children and grandchildren, that this is the way of the future ... and i feel for both of you ... and all of us ...

my mum died in victoria you see, and i live in southern ontario -- it's an awful thing ... we finally got her into a hopice (she needed round-the-clock nursing by then), where she lingered for three weeks ...

:(
jb