I'm tired. At 48, somedays I feel 78 but most days I feel pretty decent. I have narcolepsy, so like is a struggle.

I'm tired of dealing with my son, he is polite, yet sneaky and untrustworthy. I just found some nice stereo and amp he ripped out of a car down the street! He didn't like the kid and accuses the boy of stealing his skateboard. This is how he gets back at him.

I want to make him return it to them, however I fear they may call the police. Also, this boy is very large and black, we are white, I don't want to make this a racial issue or cause the kids to gang up on my son at school. (they did this to my nephew last year)

I'm tired of talking, lectures... grounding. How do I impress upon him the good values and morals I have always lived and taught my kids?

Please, any advice would be so appreciated.
Daisy

Daisy, this is probably not what you want to hear,
but the police might be the solution to your
problem, let your son suffer the consequence of
his stealing. I know you don't want him to go
to jail, but given his young age and no prior
records the court will most likely order some
sort of group or some sort of boot camp. This
could be the answer, if he continues on the
path he is starting he could end up in prison
someday and that would be really bad.

Don't make idle threats to him that you have
no intention of following through on, kids
figure this out really quick - whatever you
decide to do, don't tell him until you are sure
you can follow through. Good Luck.

I've thought of this and I don't think I can do it. I was thinking maybe he should go with me to the people's front door and return the merchandise.

Then, if they want to prosecute, they can call the cops. And he can then have those consequences. I can't do it. But if he stole from me I certainly would and he knows it.

I'm not strong enough to report this myself. My husband is very upset and won't even talk to my son now. He's just ruminating on this whole thing.

Do you think facing the people is a good answer?
d

Daisy....I really hope you will decide to turn you son in. Theft is a big offense...and this is blunt...but if you don't and he doesn't have any punishment or lesson , he may do something next time that puts his life in danger.
This is minor compared to your situation...but my son NEVER got into trouble and his last week of his senior year in high school...he decided to go with classmates to vandalize the school....as far as I know..his involvement wasn't as serious as some...(toilet paper was his weapon..ha)..BUT...my husband is the ELEMENTARY principal in the district of this small town...you would think my son would know better..ANYWAY I had a hunch he was involved so I confronted him..he told me the truth...and my husband reported him to the school officials....who in turn reported it to the police. He did a counselling thing instead of a police record thank goodness...but it was soooooo hard to do that...but he certainly knows he will not get away with things in this household..(and hasn't tried to either).

If you don't turn him in...please get him counselling. He may seem to hate you for it...but you'll be a true blessing in his life for his future.

Prayers are with you...

Daisy, my son, now 14, went on a 2-yr stealing spree. He stole money out of our wallets, change out of people's change jars, pocketed small items from people's houses, thought nothing of it and would lie about it. I would make him return the items, face his victims and apologize. He had become a Kleptomaniac!

The last straw was when we had dinner at my best friend's house last year and my son stole her fiance's $300 watch from the upstairs bedroom. When I heard it was missing the next day, I searched his bedroom and discovered the watch. He returned it and apologized, and he was lectured and put to work for 3 Sundays as punishment by my friend's fiance.

That week my nephew suggested I call his girfriend's brother, a 6-ft, 250-lb. local police officer who has a passion for helping kids headed down the wrong path. When that fully-uniformed cop pulled into our driveway in his police car and came to the door donning his billyclub and gun, my son turned white. The cop lectured him sternly on the repercussions of stealing, such as juvey hall and jail, and convinced him that next time he steals he will personally arrest him, take him to juvenile hall and make sure he goes to jail. My son hid his face and began crying uncontrollably. The cop then put his hand on his shoulder, handed him a his personal card and said, "Listen, son, I want you to know I'm your friend. If you ever need to talk, call me and I'll be here to help you.

Since that night my son has been a changed boy, and has never stolen another thing. He sees a counselor on a regular basis and to this day thanks me for calling that cop and saving his life. He tells me can't believe he did those things and says nothing is worth going to jail. He has learned to put himself in other people's places and to respect their property.

Daisy, it wouldn't hurt to call your local police station just to see if they have a program to help kids like your son. It would also be a good idea to get him into counseling. You must intervene or he will end up in jail. Please do something. I did, and it saved my son from a possible life of crime. Thanks for listening.

[This message has been edited by susiejb (edited 07-31-2003).]

Daisy, you haven't let us know what your decision is -
I know it is a hard one to make, but all of these posts have some good advice. If you don't want your son to end up in much more trouble than you or he can dream of you have to nip it in the bud.

Call your local juvenile youth services - they are in my phone book under the police listing, youth services. Someone there may be able to put you onto a local program designed to intervene - not to arrest, but to get kids on the right track.

I know they have boot camps for juveniles here and there are several other programs available. You also didn't say if he had stolen any thing else that you were aware of. If this incident was retailiation for something he thought was done to him, you might get him into some sort of anger mangement program.

Oh Boy! You guys are so wonderful and full of insight.
The boot camps in Maryland are set up for offenders, they are horrid places and the govenor is trying to shut one of them down because the kids placed there are physically and mentally abused and even get broken bones. Besides that, you have to be placed there by a judge. NOt a nice place.

I worked for years as a Psychotherapist, retired now two years. I know the answers, but can't hold them in my hand... because its MY son, not yours. I need to look at my own fears and face them now.

I will contact juvenile services after I call the sherrif and the city police to ask if they have a program for kids heading down the wrong pathway. Also, my husband knows a bunch of police guys and he could ask one for a favor if there are no programs.

The goods are still in my house, hidden from my son. Tomorrow, Friday, we will go to the victims home and return the stuff. Then, If they want to press charges, its up to them. Meanwhile, I'll see if there is a pr0gram.

Question!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did this with another boy, who comes to visit, I just adore his mother, and both of them are not your teenage slime. It was "an impulsive thing to do when we were bored" he said. (stupid)

Should I make this kid go with us? I think he should. He was in on it and helped to steal some of the stuff. (I forgot about him being involved).

This boy gets yelled at if he messes up and it helps to keep him straight, he hates it when his mom yells. I don't want to yello or argue anymore, so I don't. I discuss it, state my feelings, etc....

I think they both should be in some kind of program. I"ll let you know whats available here and you guys can help guide me, I hope.

Very sincerely,

Daisy

I would definitely call the other kid's mother...and strongly suggest she come with her son too. Her son may be a bad influence on your son...this way they can both be "in it together" and maybe learn together and have support for each other also...God Bless you in whatever happens!

I agree, Daisy. You should definitely include the other boy's mother, especially if he's a juvenile. Let the people whose merchandise was stolen know that you are looking into resources to help your son. Maybe they will not press charges.

If you do ask a policeman friend of your husband to speak to your son, the element of surprise is what works. I didn't warn my son that a cop was coming. He came in and said to my son, "I've been hearing that you've been doing some stealing. Do you know that is illegal and that I could take you with me right now and put you in jail tonight?" He also did not sit down by my son, who sat on the couch. He stood over him with his hands on his hips and his police radio going. He scared the crap out of him. Some thought it was mean, but it worked, and my son knew deep down he needed intervention because he was out of control and was crying for help. Please let us know how things turn out.

Daisy, sounds like you have a plan, go with it.
Children's problems are always the hardest, too
much at stake if you make the wrong decision.

Hope your son sees the light with your help.

both boys have been friends since middle school, and are basically good kids. Only sneaky at times. They normally do not offend other people, like they have now done.

I mentioned to my son, I was going to get in touch with Marcus'' mother and he was quite upset. Said that if we went to the house of the victim, they would call the police because he "ripped it out of the car, RIPPED it out" I said, you should have thought of that when you were doing it.

REvenge is not always a good idea.
Consequences come for every action that you do. Always.

I know she will be home on Saturday, I'll get in touch with her then.... and let you all know. Meanwhile, feel free to give me any other ideas you may have.

Thanks,
D

Daisy, The first time I made my son face the person he stole from, he cried, was scared to death and didn't want to do it. But after it was done, he felt a tremendous amount of relief and was proud of himself. It was a first step to a huge teaching lesson. It has to be done. Good luck, Daisy, our prayers will be with you tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. You have much support here.


------------------
Susie

Please do your best to instill honesty into your son, even at this late age. The consequences are not pretty by any means. I will tell you about my nephew.

My nephew was into stealing things and at age 13 on the day his dad died from cancer I went over to stay with the children and grandmother. In a little while the door bell rang and when I answered it there was a detective flashing his badge and wanted my nephew. Just before his arrial my nephew went out the window and was no where around.

He continued to steal and finally got caught at an older age, think it was 18 and was sentenced to prison. He learned the hard way. However, when it was time to get out of prison no one would stand by him (I was the only person that attended his day in court). Before he could get out he needed a sponsor. He checked with others only to be denied, then, as a last resort he asked me and I was leary due to having young sons but I decided he needed a second chance and agreed to take him in. My children had lived with rules from day one so he was not thrilled about living with me, but it was his only way to get out. I made a 3 page list of rules he would have to abide by just like my children, but, did not have to enforce them. He spent one night here and then talked his mother into letting him go back home.

Once they are in prison and can get out on good behavior, other prisoners will do everything they can to get the person busted so they cannot get out. This would have happened to my nephew had I not agreed to take him. A probation officer told me that is what happens.

My nephew was the product of being adopted and then 12 months later his mom/dad had a child of their own, a little girl. My nephew was out on the street doing whatever he wanted to from an early age, no supervision so to speak. Mom spent time with baby girl and when dad came home he paid some attention to my nephew but not enough. My nephew and his mom were always at odds, especially during the teen years.

Teaching children to respect others property starts from day one. My daughter at a very young age picked roses from a fence on way home from school one day. I sent her back to return the roses and apologize to the lady. She walked part way and kept looking back at me. When she could not see me any longer she stopped. I walked to corner of block where she could see me again and then she reluctantly went on. It was hard for her to do that but it was a lesson well learned. Think she was in first grade.

[This message has been edited by Kre (edited 08-03-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Kre (edited 08-03-2003).]

This might seem trivial to post, because my son is just a small child (he'll be 5 in November), but he is an ACCOMPLISHED THIEF already. We caught him for the first time last week and his father returned the item to the store, and then we lectured my son. Last night, my son pulled a stolen item out of his pocket soon after we left one store. My husband then searched my son from head to toe and pulled out 3 more stolen items! Stuffed in various pockets!! This time my son lost video privileges for a week. Again my husband returned the stolen items and the store clerk even laughed because a 4-yr-old did it. But as comical as it seems I am worried about the future. My daughter, now almost 8, never did this stealing thing.