Hi. I am 31 years old. I am ok looking and am grateful for no disfigurements and after going through 2 operations on my head this year deeply grateful for my life and to have enough hair to cover the area that was operated on. No one would even know.

But I have this gray hair growing where I had the operation. I feel like since I had the operation all of these new wrinkles and changes have happened in my body. And I have not been allowed to color my hair, please don't chastize me for this sentiment but I feel so bla with my dull brown hair that I have had to grow in (I am not allowed to dye my hair at this time).

After being a teenager who was mocked by other children, I used to have braces and a terrible sense of dressing, I became determined to never feel ugly again. And that meant changing myself. I changed my hair color incessantly and sought to look different and never be hurt again.

But over the last few years I have suddenly put on a bit weight( I am not overwieght just not thin anymore) and struggled in vain to control my
eating habits. My skin is constantly a mess, not acne, just some kind of dry hivey thing that I can't identify the cause of. And I have undereye circles all the time now. And I just want to cry all the time when I go out and I see all these younger women in their late teens early twenties who have no pores, are super thin and I realize that every man would more automatically gravitate towards them. I feel so sad.

No one seems to voice their hurt about this. And when I try to talk about it to people they tell me I am lucky to be alive (I already know that - it doesn't eliminate a desire to be attractive to others) or they say that I better get used to it cause there is more to come. How do you adjust to it? How can you go out with someone and not feel a sadness when a bunch of young lovelies come in front of you and you are sitting reading about the best undereye concealer. I want to get a grip on this -I do. And on an intellectual level and morally, I feel my insides are what should count and I have a lot to offer. But my body is changing and all the anti aging cream in the world can't stop it and I feel so ashamed. Please don't write back to tell me off, I really need compassion right now, to know anyone understands this disappointing change. If anyone has any ideas on books on this too I would be so grateful. Thank you in advance .....

Your post really made me think and it's sad that these issues are depressing you right now.

Firstly you mention your hair. How long do you have to wait before you can colour it again? If you have to wait a set period of time, then there is nothing you can do but maybe keep it cut in a flattering style until such times that you are able to start colouring it again. There is no point worrying about hair colour as that is out of your control at this stage, so leave that be and move on to something you can change.

I don't know what sort of operation you had on your head, but are you allowed to exercise? As you say, you aren't over weight, but you aren't happy with the weight you have put on so far. As it's not a huge amount of weight, it shouldn't take too long to get yourself back into shape. It will likely take more determination and sticking to an exercise/diet regime.

As for your skin condition. Have you seen a doctor/skin specialist? Does anybody know exactly what it is? Maybe you could post in the "hair,skin,nails" section and other people who experienced similar skin conditions may offer helpful advice. Sometimes if you are taking medication it can bring out rashes on your skin also. Are you drinking plenty of water to hydrate your skin and eating a balanced diet? You could also have an allergic reaction to cosmetics you are using and stress can also change our skin for the worse.

I realise it's difficult to not compare oneself with much younger women, (i'm 36) i remember back to when i was in my teens and early 20's and thought i'd never get "old", but before you know it, you find yourself in your 30's and that's the time when people really start to question where they are going in life and how they look physically, what they have/haven't achieved.

You need to make a list of things you would like to improve/change. Putting the most serious issue at the top of your list and the least serious at the bottom. You need realistic goals too, so select from that list the things which you can start making changes to now eg: your weight, and leave other things eg: hair colouring, till last as that's something you have no control over right this very minute. Make another list of short and long term goals you would like to succeed in so that you can stay motivated.

Lastly, do something nice once a week or month which is just to make YOU happy, eg: treat yourself to a new item of clothing, underwear or an accessory or a new hair cut, manicure, facial etc, etc. Okay, you may say that sexy or feminine underwear is out of the question as nobody will see it, well nobody needs to see it. If i'm feeling depressed or wake up with mondayitis and dont want feel like going to work, i'll put on something ultra sexy/feminine under my work uniform and it makes me feel great all day.

I hope some of this helps and keep us posted on how things go. Best of luck!!

I totally understand...I DO have compassion, but I honestly bet that you're very beautiful physically! You're going through a very difficult time now and it's so normal to feel this way. Whatever people say, women want to be beautiful. The media has given us distorted images of what that is though and we fall prey to that.

You need to actually begin to love yourself. Do nice things for YOU. Only you know what they are. I pamper myself by working on my body at the gym. I love doing that. I also love grooming, as superficial as it sounds, I love spending time on my hair, etc. Look, I really believe that you ARE physically beautiful...so you believe it too. When you begin to believe that, then you'll shine!

I agree that getting older is not fun! I am 27 and constantly find flaws with my body! Don't get me wrong...I may not be perfect in the buff but if I wear the right clothes I think I look pretty darn good. You need to remember that everyone ages(although you would never guess it from the Hollywood images and magazine covers).

If you are not happy with yourself do something about it. You can't fix everything that you feel is wrong with yourself but work on what you can. Remember that the better you feel about yourself and the more confidence you have the better you will appear to everyone else.

Sometimes I feel completly ugly but most days I look in the mirror and think I look pretty good considering the lazy lifestyle I have! I feel that if I am doing nothing and look like this then I can not complain and if I am doing everthing(diet and exercise) then I also cannot complain because I am doing the best I can!

Try to have a positive outlook on life! Worrying will make you look older! Remember that while you are wishing that you looked like the "young lovelies" there is someone out there wishing that they could have your figure/looks/etc. Most of us wish for something that is out of our reach. When I was in my teens I thought that I was fat! Now I can only think how silly I was. I can remember people telling me that I should be a model and I would say that my thighs were too big and that I wasn't tall enough and no matter how much I dieted I wouldn't grow any taller! They would agree with my statement. I now realize how sad our society has become when a 14 yr old girl at 125 lbs, 5'6", and in perfect physical shape thinks she is too fat to be a model. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

About the skin condition. Have you been to a doctor or have you been trying to treat it yourself? You should go to a doctor. Do you have very tiny pimple like things in patches on your face that are sometimes itchy? I get patches like this and my doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I usually get it around my chin and nose and use a cortizone cream for it. You will have to go to the doctor as the cortizone creams that you get without a prescription are too strong to use on your face. I use it for a couple of days and it seems to go away for awhile. It is usually worse in the summer and pretty much non-existant in the fall and winter.

Being thin doesn't make a person prettier than another, it's what the media wants us to think. When I was single and dating my boyfriend I was tall and thin, I still am, but he ended up marrying a larger sized woman, so please don't compare yourself to what you'd like to be, you should accept the wonderful person you are today. If you are worried about dark circles under your eyes, buy some undercover cream makeup, that's what I do. As for the hair, if you don't like it, there are hair pieces you can buy to add to your own hair, even wigs which look like real hair. As for the skin problem, I'd go see a dermatologist to shed some light on what that is from. With the right topical creams or antibiotics, I'm sure he or she will be able to help you maintain beautiful skin. Also, treat yourself to a new outfit. You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful, look at Emme, she is a plus sized model and quite pretty. Hang in there, you sound like a great person, just have faith in yourself. We all have things we don't like about ourselves. Hey, I'd like a smaller waist, but I like food way too much, so, I've accepted myself the way I am, and I'm happy. Be yourself.

I think I know what you are going through and how you feel. With all the media attention on youth and beauty it's hard to keep up especially as we start to age. I suspect you have some other things going on besides your ******d physical appearance. I bet you have a low self esteem and feel that your ******d beauty is all you have to offer. I always felt that way, I always thought of myself as unattractive, eventhough everyone said the opposite, and as I got older it got worse - and continues to get worse. I have had some plastic surgery and I spend a fortune on clothes, but let's face it, there is only so much that can be done once one reaches a certain age (you haven't even come close to that yet). I think you need to focus on the reason you feel that beauty is the most important thing in your life. Look around you at the women you truly admire and respect (not just the ones whose beauty you envy). I bet they are average looking women, but have an aire of confidence anyway. I know those are the women I admire and wish I could care less about my appearance. I know I would be happier and life would be so much easier. I hope you can get at the real root of your problem and get your life straight so that you don't obsess so over the physical aspect - believe me, I know, it will take over your whole life and you will continue to be sad and envious of others. Maybe you need professional help to determine why you feel this way. Good luck.
Kathy

asmuch, I'm curious. You titled your post "suddenly other women get his attention". Do mean this generically, or is there a certain man in your life that has hurt you or that you sense is looking at other women?

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Susie

"and I see all these younger women in their late teens early twenties who have no pores, are super thin and I realize that every man would more automatically gravitate towards them"

don't speak for my man on this one. He can't STAND thin women and makes fun of them ("look at the Halloween skeleton", etc.) to the point where I tell him it's mean.

Take it one day at a time and work on liking how YOU look when you look in the mirror.