Astf
09-26-2003, 06:53 PM
My fiance (lets call him Brad) and I are having a huge fight. It has been ongoing for months now, although for a while we decided just to drop the subject because we couldn't agree. Here is the situation...
Brad lives in a house with three of his male friends, all young around college age. One of them, 8 months ago, acquired a girlfriend (Deety) who unceremoniously moved into the house without asking anyone. She has a child, but not by the roommate in question, lets call him Jass.
Many problems in the house revolve around Jass letting Deety move in without consulting anyone. For one, she has not paid rent in the house for many months (although she does now). Also, money and other valuables have gone missing while she has lived there. Mostly, Jass's stuff, money from his wallet on several occasions, but one other roommate has complained that his DVD collection is missing as well. Since there is no PROOF though, no one has done anything about it.
So that leads me to our story. Back in December, Brad gives Jass his share of the rent to take to the landlord. Jass loses the money. He says he left a couple hundred dollars in cash in the living room unattended, and though he searches the area, he can't find it.
At the time, I was also there, as well as all of the roommates and Deety. Jass immediately points the finger at me. I say I hadn't been in the living room all day but in his mind, and also in Deety's, I took the money.
So, Jass still has to pay the rent. He doesn't have any money. He asks Brad for DOUBLE the rent, Brad gives it to him under the assumption that he will get his money back from Jass when he has it. Later, Jass tells Brad upon confrontation, that he had no intention of giving Brad the money, and that it was not HIS responsibility...
Brad thinks this is unfair, but after several feeble attempts to get his money, he drops the matter entirely because, as he puts it "Jass is my friend." I might also mention here that Brad is a complete ***** -- sorry but it's true. Brad thinks, that if Jass gives him back his money, Jass will think he's admitting that his girlfriend took the money, and he can't do that. I tell Brad that this is a crock, and that whoever TOOK the money has nothing to do with it. It was in Jass's care, and Jass should give him back his money for being so dumb. Brad says it's pointless for him to try to push the issue with Jass and drops it.
NOW, fast forward several months. Jass is still borrowing money from Brad. Jass's girlfriend is still living there although she is no longer his girlfriend and is seeing some other guy. Brad STILL refuses to talk to Jass about the money. I am thoroughly pissed off and disgusted. Deety has been an off-limits subject for months, but it was brought up the other night and now Brad and I are fighting about it again.
Here's my question.. Should I DROP the subject again even though I KNOW I am RIGHT (quadruple exclamation points). Or should I just butt out even though I am RIGHT, and I don't want Brad to be a pushover anymore, especially in matters of money... and yes I feel betrayed by Brad because he is essentially not standing up for me by letting Jass believe that I took the money, and I don't think he has tried to refute that belief very strongly at all. What should I do?
And I am not leaving him over this, thanks.
Brad lives in a house with three of his male friends, all young around college age. One of them, 8 months ago, acquired a girlfriend (Deety) who unceremoniously moved into the house without asking anyone. She has a child, but not by the roommate in question, lets call him Jass.
Many problems in the house revolve around Jass letting Deety move in without consulting anyone. For one, she has not paid rent in the house for many months (although she does now). Also, money and other valuables have gone missing while she has lived there. Mostly, Jass's stuff, money from his wallet on several occasions, but one other roommate has complained that his DVD collection is missing as well. Since there is no PROOF though, no one has done anything about it.
So that leads me to our story. Back in December, Brad gives Jass his share of the rent to take to the landlord. Jass loses the money. He says he left a couple hundred dollars in cash in the living room unattended, and though he searches the area, he can't find it.
At the time, I was also there, as well as all of the roommates and Deety. Jass immediately points the finger at me. I say I hadn't been in the living room all day but in his mind, and also in Deety's, I took the money.
So, Jass still has to pay the rent. He doesn't have any money. He asks Brad for DOUBLE the rent, Brad gives it to him under the assumption that he will get his money back from Jass when he has it. Later, Jass tells Brad upon confrontation, that he had no intention of giving Brad the money, and that it was not HIS responsibility...
Brad thinks this is unfair, but after several feeble attempts to get his money, he drops the matter entirely because, as he puts it "Jass is my friend." I might also mention here that Brad is a complete ***** -- sorry but it's true. Brad thinks, that if Jass gives him back his money, Jass will think he's admitting that his girlfriend took the money, and he can't do that. I tell Brad that this is a crock, and that whoever TOOK the money has nothing to do with it. It was in Jass's care, and Jass should give him back his money for being so dumb. Brad says it's pointless for him to try to push the issue with Jass and drops it.
NOW, fast forward several months. Jass is still borrowing money from Brad. Jass's girlfriend is still living there although she is no longer his girlfriend and is seeing some other guy. Brad STILL refuses to talk to Jass about the money. I am thoroughly pissed off and disgusted. Deety has been an off-limits subject for months, but it was brought up the other night and now Brad and I are fighting about it again.
Here's my question.. Should I DROP the subject again even though I KNOW I am RIGHT (quadruple exclamation points). Or should I just butt out even though I am RIGHT, and I don't want Brad to be a pushover anymore, especially in matters of money... and yes I feel betrayed by Brad because he is essentially not standing up for me by letting Jass believe that I took the money, and I don't think he has tried to refute that belief very strongly at all. What should I do?
And I am not leaving him over this, thanks.
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smartgal
09-26-2003, 07:24 PM
If it's not your money, it's not your business! You cannot change your boyfriend, since you say you're not leaving him, you'd better learn to accept him the way he is or your life will be filled with arguments. It seems to matter to you WAY too much that you are right. So what? Do you want to be happy or right?
Astf
09-26-2003, 07:38 PM
It will be my money though. I am marrying the guy, and we will be moving out when I do. The issue I feel is that he never stands up for himself and that it could be a potentially dangerous situation for us if he ever lets anyone borrow money from him. I don't think it's right that he lets everyone walk all over him in other situations either.
Want 2 B Well
09-26-2003, 09:17 PM
Maybe he is biding his time until he is outta there? I would just drop it.
zuzu8
09-26-2003, 11:39 PM
Astf-
Seems to me that you have a serious "respect" issue about this man you are marrying. You even called him an *****.
You dont like the way he handles money (which I can tell you, if it's a problem now it'll be catastrophic once you are married)..and most importantly, you feel he hasn't protected YOU or your reputation in this messy situation. If you feel he's a pushover and let's people take advantage of him and he is unresponsive to your concerns, then I would think very carefully about whether this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
zuzu xxx
Seems to me that you have a serious "respect" issue about this man you are marrying. You even called him an *****.
You dont like the way he handles money (which I can tell you, if it's a problem now it'll be catastrophic once you are married)..and most importantly, you feel he hasn't protected YOU or your reputation in this messy situation. If you feel he's a pushover and let's people take advantage of him and he is unresponsive to your concerns, then I would think very carefully about whether this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
zuzu xxx
Astf
09-27-2003, 12:36 AM
I do respect him but that word that was censored is a synonym for wimp, and it is true. I don't think I'm being disprespectful in pointing it out. It has not only been this occasion where he has let people just walk all over him. The same girlfriend also moved in her cats, even after he told her that he was allergic and that the landlord said no pets. I mean, just blatant disregard for his health and house rules. When he complained to me about it, I told him that he should just say NO, and threaten to tell the landlord if she didn't move them out. But nothing came of that. It was later brought up again, and he actually DEFENDED her by saying that the cats have nowhere else to go. I told him that was her problem and she shouldn't have brought them in the first place, but it fell on deaf ears. I really don't know what to do anymore. I really do love him and I feel like he's the "one" for me, so I really would rather work through this than just give up.
And I also want to add that he agrees with me on all points, he just never does anything about it. He has told me before that he is biding his time until Jass and Deety break up, but they are broken up and still nothing. His solution is that when he moves out of the house, he plans to take a dresser loaned to him by Jass with him. I feel that is stupid and uncessary and he should just be straight with Jass.
[This message has been edited by Astf (edited 09-26-2003).]
And I also want to add that he agrees with me on all points, he just never does anything about it. He has told me before that he is biding his time until Jass and Deety break up, but they are broken up and still nothing. His solution is that when he moves out of the house, he plans to take a dresser loaned to him by Jass with him. I feel that is stupid and uncessary and he should just be straight with Jass.
[This message has been edited by Astf (edited 09-26-2003).]
Want 2 B Well
09-27-2003, 09:42 AM
Ast you sound like you are trying to make him the one. Just wondering how old you guys are? If he is the "one" you will know it.
Me personally I could not be with someone that weak. I have a strong personality and my husband of 13yrs (almost 20yrs together) has to be strong.
I would have left him after he did not defend my honor, but that is just me. I COULDN'T tolerate one second of his roomates thinking I stole money. Again, that is just my personality.
Instead of worrying about this, why don't you take some time off and put yourself fully into some personal friendships and personal interest things. Perhaps your head can clear up abit and then you can look at your relationship from a fresh perspective. I don't mean break up, no, just fill your worry with something positive to clear your mind. Does that make sense?
I hope things work out for you.
Me personally I could not be with someone that weak. I have a strong personality and my husband of 13yrs (almost 20yrs together) has to be strong.
I would have left him after he did not defend my honor, but that is just me. I COULDN'T tolerate one second of his roomates thinking I stole money. Again, that is just my personality.
Instead of worrying about this, why don't you take some time off and put yourself fully into some personal friendships and personal interest things. Perhaps your head can clear up abit and then you can look at your relationship from a fresh perspective. I don't mean break up, no, just fill your worry with something positive to clear your mind. Does that make sense?
I hope things work out for you.
zuzu8
09-27-2003, 02:51 PM
I know you love Brad and want to marry him, but at the moment you are feeling so angry, you need to get some perspective on who he is, and who you are and what your expectations are of him.
In your posts, you use language pertaining to Brad and his behaviour like:
"feeble attempts"
"pushover"
"wimp"
"deaf ears"
"Never does anything about it"
"Never stands up for himself"
"stupid" (regarding his plan for the dresser)
"I am pissed off and disgusted"
"I don't think it's right"
"i feel betrayed"
Brad's basic personality and the way he lives and interacts with others is not going to change.....Men cannot stand being told what to do and how to be. Obviously all your efforts are not changing anything and only succeeding in making you feel more and more frustrated. What makes you think it'll get better later?
You should be proud of him, not ashamed, embarrassed or angry.
He should be protecting you and stepping up to the plate. He isn't. All the pushing and prodding from you doesn't seem to be working.
Unless you can accept Brad for who he is , you might want to consider couples counseling or RE-consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life being " a nagging wife".
I hope you don't think I'm presumptuous but the way things are right now is not okay, and is not the foundation for a loving, stable, happy life together in the future.
zuzu xx
[This message has been edited by zuzu8 (edited 09-27-2003).]
In your posts, you use language pertaining to Brad and his behaviour like:
"feeble attempts"
"pushover"
"wimp"
"deaf ears"
"Never does anything about it"
"Never stands up for himself"
"stupid" (regarding his plan for the dresser)
"I am pissed off and disgusted"
"I don't think it's right"
"i feel betrayed"
Brad's basic personality and the way he lives and interacts with others is not going to change.....Men cannot stand being told what to do and how to be. Obviously all your efforts are not changing anything and only succeeding in making you feel more and more frustrated. What makes you think it'll get better later?
You should be proud of him, not ashamed, embarrassed or angry.
He should be protecting you and stepping up to the plate. He isn't. All the pushing and prodding from you doesn't seem to be working.
Unless you can accept Brad for who he is , you might want to consider couples counseling or RE-consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life being " a nagging wife".
I hope you don't think I'm presumptuous but the way things are right now is not okay, and is not the foundation for a loving, stable, happy life together in the future.
zuzu xx
[This message has been edited by zuzu8 (edited 09-27-2003).]
Belle45
09-28-2003, 01:52 AM
Originally posted by Want 2 B Well:
Ast you sound like you are trying to make him the one. Just wondering how old you guys are? If he is the "one" you will know it.
Me personally I could not be with someone that weak. I have a strong personality and my husband of 13yrs (almost 20yrs together) has to be strong.
I would have left him after he did not defend my honor, but that is just me. I COULDN'T tolerate one second of his roomates thinking I stole money. Again, that is just my personality.
Truer words were never spoken. My thoughts exactly.
If this is an "issue" with you now your resentment will only get bigger with time and not better.
If my boyfriend or husband didn't stand up for me in an issue he KNEW was right then I could not and would not have any respect for him what-so-ever. I personally could not be with someone who was weaker than me. Want 2 be well was correct when they said it sounds like you are trying to make him the one. If he or she is the one then you will know it, you wouldn't have to wonder.
Ast you sound like you are trying to make him the one. Just wondering how old you guys are? If he is the "one" you will know it.
Me personally I could not be with someone that weak. I have a strong personality and my husband of 13yrs (almost 20yrs together) has to be strong.
I would have left him after he did not defend my honor, but that is just me. I COULDN'T tolerate one second of his roomates thinking I stole money. Again, that is just my personality.
Truer words were never spoken. My thoughts exactly.
If this is an "issue" with you now your resentment will only get bigger with time and not better.
If my boyfriend or husband didn't stand up for me in an issue he KNEW was right then I could not and would not have any respect for him what-so-ever. I personally could not be with someone who was weaker than me. Want 2 be well was correct when they said it sounds like you are trying to make him the one. If he or she is the one then you will know it, you wouldn't have to wonder.