Delphi373
04-25-2003, 11:50 AM
Ok I am posting here because I want to know what you all think about my mother and whether or not she has BPD. I think she may, but she has never been to a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or anything, and she’d refuse to go.
Anyway, since I was about 3 she was abusive verbally and physically to my brothers and I. She always said that we didn’t care about her. She would scream at the top of her lungs 24-7 and said she couldn’t stop. She would scream at us so much that she’d lose her voice for a few days. She would scream and her face turned blood red and veins would bulge from her forehead. She would scream at us that we were “users”, and “selfish”, and that “no one gave a s**t” about her. My brothers and I did all we could to be good children. My one brother was school president, captain of track- we all were honor students, and we all were in varsity sports. We never cause trouble and always tried to please her. She was never satisfied. If we did well in school, it wasn’t #1 in her book, if we did well in sports, we still didn’t “hustle” enough. She was embarrassed by us. When she and I would go shopping together, if I didn’t comply with her completely in her decisions she would threaten to beat me in front of everyone in the store. I couldn’t have friends over the house as she screamed so loudly you could here her up the street. At school the counselors asked if I had problems at home, and they said a jogger heard screaming coming from the house and asked my brother if everything was ok, he lied and said it was. We, as children, always wanted a “normal” life so we hid everything going on at home. I never told a soul. She would come into my bedroom while I slept and would wake me up. She would start whispering to me how I was a selfish, son-of-a-b**ch just like my father. “Just like your father” were her favorite words. It would escalate until she was screaming at me and it would last hours until morning and I had to go to school. I could never sleep. When I would try to cover my ears with my pillow she would scream “don’t ignore me!!!” When she would drive me someplace, she would roll up the windows and scream at me, at how horrible I was, how she wished she never had me or my brothers. I would be trapped. I used to dream about jumping out of the car just to get away from her, but I never had the guts to do it. She threatened suicide a lot. She said that one day I’d come home from school and she’d be hanging from the rafters. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom and would run the water, and wouldn’t let anyone in. I was always scared then that she hurt herself. She would sometimes cry and cry, and beat herself until there were bruises on her arms. She said that no one loved her, and that she sacrificed everything for us “kids” She said my father was a butcher, and that he “F**cked” her…she used to scream that over and over and over again. There were moments when she was “normal” though. She held a job. And when the phone rang, she could answer it and sound fine. But then when she would scream on the phone to my father, in the morning before school, and I said I was having a friend over and asked if she could stop, she would say “ok”, but then when I came home from school I could hear her screaming up the street. Eventually she kicked me out of the house, when I turned 18. All my brothers and I. She divorced my father when I was 13 (that’s when things got really bad because she took her anger out on me most). When we recommended that she see a therapist, she would yell that we wanted to “lock her up” and that she would never see one, and then she’d say that I needed one instead. Well, I have and still go to a therapist. I have no objection to it. I see one because of the 16 years of constant abuse I sustained while living under the same roof as her. When she kicked me out, she gave me 2 hours to leave, and didn’t care what happened to me. Oh, I could go on and on, and already this post is too long. When I tell therapists about her, they ask me if she drank, because her behavior mimics that of an alcoholic. But she never touched alcohol or any other drug, she didn’t want to ruin herself. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her dad was a gambler. Sometimes, my mom would sit in a dark room and just mumble things over and over to herself. Sometimes, she never crawled out of bed. But she could always pull herself together when strangers came to the house if she wanted to. And she could “snap” out of it. The weird thing was, she would say she couldn’t stop. Anyway, she got stranger and stranger with age I think…. organizing things, keeping everything in such control. I haven’t seen her in 8 or 9 years now. She doesn’t try to contact me or any of my brothers. She said she always wanted us gone, and so now we are. What do you think is her issue because I still think about her. I wonder what she is doing, and if she’d ok. I am conflicted because I seriously loathe her, but I also sort-of love her. I used to love her, when I was younger, but all the abuse just made it unbearable. And she would play mind-games. She would tell me I was a “loser” and then ask for a hug and my forgiveness…she would say she was “sorry” and that she couldn’t help it. But then two hours later she’d be screaming at me again. I don’t know, thinking about her still freaks me out…I always worried I’d end up like her or act like her. I think my going to therapy has helped me a lot, I know it breaks the cycle…I don’t want to ever be like her or like that.
Anyway, since I was about 3 she was abusive verbally and physically to my brothers and I. She always said that we didn’t care about her. She would scream at the top of her lungs 24-7 and said she couldn’t stop. She would scream at us so much that she’d lose her voice for a few days. She would scream and her face turned blood red and veins would bulge from her forehead. She would scream at us that we were “users”, and “selfish”, and that “no one gave a s**t” about her. My brothers and I did all we could to be good children. My one brother was school president, captain of track- we all were honor students, and we all were in varsity sports. We never cause trouble and always tried to please her. She was never satisfied. If we did well in school, it wasn’t #1 in her book, if we did well in sports, we still didn’t “hustle” enough. She was embarrassed by us. When she and I would go shopping together, if I didn’t comply with her completely in her decisions she would threaten to beat me in front of everyone in the store. I couldn’t have friends over the house as she screamed so loudly you could here her up the street. At school the counselors asked if I had problems at home, and they said a jogger heard screaming coming from the house and asked my brother if everything was ok, he lied and said it was. We, as children, always wanted a “normal” life so we hid everything going on at home. I never told a soul. She would come into my bedroom while I slept and would wake me up. She would start whispering to me how I was a selfish, son-of-a-b**ch just like my father. “Just like your father” were her favorite words. It would escalate until she was screaming at me and it would last hours until morning and I had to go to school. I could never sleep. When I would try to cover my ears with my pillow she would scream “don’t ignore me!!!” When she would drive me someplace, she would roll up the windows and scream at me, at how horrible I was, how she wished she never had me or my brothers. I would be trapped. I used to dream about jumping out of the car just to get away from her, but I never had the guts to do it. She threatened suicide a lot. She said that one day I’d come home from school and she’d be hanging from the rafters. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom and would run the water, and wouldn’t let anyone in. I was always scared then that she hurt herself. She would sometimes cry and cry, and beat herself until there were bruises on her arms. She said that no one loved her, and that she sacrificed everything for us “kids” She said my father was a butcher, and that he “F**cked” her…she used to scream that over and over and over again. There were moments when she was “normal” though. She held a job. And when the phone rang, she could answer it and sound fine. But then when she would scream on the phone to my father, in the morning before school, and I said I was having a friend over and asked if she could stop, she would say “ok”, but then when I came home from school I could hear her screaming up the street. Eventually she kicked me out of the house, when I turned 18. All my brothers and I. She divorced my father when I was 13 (that’s when things got really bad because she took her anger out on me most). When we recommended that she see a therapist, she would yell that we wanted to “lock her up” and that she would never see one, and then she’d say that I needed one instead. Well, I have and still go to a therapist. I have no objection to it. I see one because of the 16 years of constant abuse I sustained while living under the same roof as her. When she kicked me out, she gave me 2 hours to leave, and didn’t care what happened to me. Oh, I could go on and on, and already this post is too long. When I tell therapists about her, they ask me if she drank, because her behavior mimics that of an alcoholic. But she never touched alcohol or any other drug, she didn’t want to ruin herself. Her mother was an alcoholic. Her dad was a gambler. Sometimes, my mom would sit in a dark room and just mumble things over and over to herself. Sometimes, she never crawled out of bed. But she could always pull herself together when strangers came to the house if she wanted to. And she could “snap” out of it. The weird thing was, she would say she couldn’t stop. Anyway, she got stranger and stranger with age I think…. organizing things, keeping everything in such control. I haven’t seen her in 8 or 9 years now. She doesn’t try to contact me or any of my brothers. She said she always wanted us gone, and so now we are. What do you think is her issue because I still think about her. I wonder what she is doing, and if she’d ok. I am conflicted because I seriously loathe her, but I also sort-of love her. I used to love her, when I was younger, but all the abuse just made it unbearable. And she would play mind-games. She would tell me I was a “loser” and then ask for a hug and my forgiveness…she would say she was “sorry” and that she couldn’t help it. But then two hours later she’d be screaming at me again. I don’t know, thinking about her still freaks me out…I always worried I’d end up like her or act like her. I think my going to therapy has helped me a lot, I know it breaks the cycle…I don’t want to ever be like her or like that.
Sponsor
sprout
04-27-2003, 06:15 PM
Delphi,
What you describe could be any number of mental disorders. It sounds as if your mother could have benefitted from seeing a specialist. However, in as much as she refused to see one...all one can do is wonder. My former step-mother was exactly as you describe your mother. We (the kids) used to say that she would scream and cuss from the time she woke up til the time she went to bed and we were sure that while she was sleeping she was dreaming of reasons to scream the next day. She was also able to stop screaming and act normal when strangers were around or when we went to church.
I can't really say what the disorder is that my former step-mother suffered from. I may never know and try to focus on the fact that I do not have to deal with that abuse anymore. I also am consciously aware of my actions and do all that I can to make sure that they never are like hers.
I am glad that you have worked to avoid doing the same and have found a therapist that has helped you to move on in life. I know how difficult it must be to wonder about your mother and how she is doing now. However, sometimes being away from those that are destructive is for the best.
Good luck to you,
sprout
What you describe could be any number of mental disorders. It sounds as if your mother could have benefitted from seeing a specialist. However, in as much as she refused to see one...all one can do is wonder. My former step-mother was exactly as you describe your mother. We (the kids) used to say that she would scream and cuss from the time she woke up til the time she went to bed and we were sure that while she was sleeping she was dreaming of reasons to scream the next day. She was also able to stop screaming and act normal when strangers were around or when we went to church.
I can't really say what the disorder is that my former step-mother suffered from. I may never know and try to focus on the fact that I do not have to deal with that abuse anymore. I also am consciously aware of my actions and do all that I can to make sure that they never are like hers.
I am glad that you have worked to avoid doing the same and have found a therapist that has helped you to move on in life. I know how difficult it must be to wonder about your mother and how she is doing now. However, sometimes being away from those that are destructive is for the best.
Good luck to you,
sprout
Delphi373
04-28-2003, 01:14 PM
Thanks sprout,
I guess maybe I'll never know what she has, but you're right; being away from her is the best thing that ever happened to me. I once thought she would change, but she never did, and I doubt she ever will. I won't put up with her abuse anymore either, so I won't go back to see her as I know she'll treat me the same way as she always did (I tried that once 7 years ago and she was the same as always - BIG MISTAKE).
I guess all I can hope for is that one day she may seek out help on her own to get better, but I can't make her change. Oh well...
Thanks again!
Delphi
I guess maybe I'll never know what she has, but you're right; being away from her is the best thing that ever happened to me. I once thought she would change, but she never did, and I doubt she ever will. I won't put up with her abuse anymore either, so I won't go back to see her as I know she'll treat me the same way as she always did (I tried that once 7 years ago and she was the same as always - BIG MISTAKE).
I guess all I can hope for is that one day she may seek out help on her own to get better, but I can't make her change. Oh well...
Thanks again!
Delphi
sprout
04-28-2003, 03:01 PM
Delphi,
You are very welcome. I know it is sometimes hard to admit that we are better off. Toxic relationships are often difficult to sever because deep down we really do care about those people. However, if they are not willing to admit that they have a problem and seek out the help they need...we are left to look after ourselves and do what is best for ourselves.
I truly hope your mother does receive help in the near future and is able to find some happiness. Take care of you.
sprout
You are very welcome. I know it is sometimes hard to admit that we are better off. Toxic relationships are often difficult to sever because deep down we really do care about those people. However, if they are not willing to admit that they have a problem and seek out the help they need...we are left to look after ourselves and do what is best for ourselves.
I truly hope your mother does receive help in the near future and is able to find some happiness. Take care of you.
sprout
chiron
04-28-2003, 11:19 PM
TOXIC PARENTING
PIG PARENTING AND BULLYING
You have offered a thorough description of your family experience in a remarkable thumbnail sketch, especially the verbal abuse as leveraging and threatening behavior. The "Self-Object" and "Object Relations Approach" is particularly useful in understanding these family matters as family and individual programming.
The “critical” statements illustrated are classical “hand me downs,” as “put downs”; other examples being, “I am doing this for your own good!”; “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!”; and, "I’ll make something out of you yet!"
One need not be a user of alcohol to psychologically exhibit the introjected-"hand me down" generational family patterns as a psychological complexity of personality development; i.e., the mental and emotional programming of a childhood behavioral orientation.
The verbally abusive and demanding nature of a toxic parent is a self-defensive reaction, as if anticipating "demanding expectations" on the part of dependent children. Try looking into "The Alcoholic Woman's Mad, Mad World of Denial and Mind Games" by Bonnie-Jean Kimball; and, "Games Alcoholics Play : The Analysis of Life Scripts by Claude Steiner.
Personally, I could relate to the nature of the "emotional abuse" problems mentioned as malignant narcissism, a family pattern of emotional blackmailing via posturing physical aggressiveness and threatening suicide, even though you mention no alcohol usage.
What you describe as verbal abuse, as a poisonous verbal "vomiting," a spitting out of what was put in during childhood as a repeated pattern of behavior, is nothing less than a projection-transference onto others, who have very little to offer in the way of self defense; especially, children.
If you are interested in reading comparative descriptions and case studies, see if you can get hold of "Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications," Elsa F. Ronningstam, Editor. Another would be "Terrifying Transferences: Aftershocks of Childhood Trauma" by Lawrence E. Hedges.
These books would be a good place to start if you want to investigate the parental programs you describe.
PIG PARENTING AND BULLYING
You have offered a thorough description of your family experience in a remarkable thumbnail sketch, especially the verbal abuse as leveraging and threatening behavior. The "Self-Object" and "Object Relations Approach" is particularly useful in understanding these family matters as family and individual programming.
The “critical” statements illustrated are classical “hand me downs,” as “put downs”; other examples being, “I am doing this for your own good!”; “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!”; and, "I’ll make something out of you yet!"
One need not be a user of alcohol to psychologically exhibit the introjected-"hand me down" generational family patterns as a psychological complexity of personality development; i.e., the mental and emotional programming of a childhood behavioral orientation.
The verbally abusive and demanding nature of a toxic parent is a self-defensive reaction, as if anticipating "demanding expectations" on the part of dependent children. Try looking into "The Alcoholic Woman's Mad, Mad World of Denial and Mind Games" by Bonnie-Jean Kimball; and, "Games Alcoholics Play : The Analysis of Life Scripts by Claude Steiner.
Personally, I could relate to the nature of the "emotional abuse" problems mentioned as malignant narcissism, a family pattern of emotional blackmailing via posturing physical aggressiveness and threatening suicide, even though you mention no alcohol usage.
What you describe as verbal abuse, as a poisonous verbal "vomiting," a spitting out of what was put in during childhood as a repeated pattern of behavior, is nothing less than a projection-transference onto others, who have very little to offer in the way of self defense; especially, children.
If you are interested in reading comparative descriptions and case studies, see if you can get hold of "Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications," Elsa F. Ronningstam, Editor. Another would be "Terrifying Transferences: Aftershocks of Childhood Trauma" by Lawrence E. Hedges.
These books would be a good place to start if you want to investigate the parental programs you describe.
DMR
05-06-2003, 04:54 PM
You need to buy a book named, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". It will explain everything.
To me, it definitely sounds like she has it. My x-wife did.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380713055/102-2131882-1636908?vi=glance
To me, it definitely sounds like she has it. My x-wife did.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380713055/102-2131882-1636908?vi=glance
Delphi373
07-08-2003, 01:46 PM
Thanks guys...sorry to get back so late...I've been hanging out on the OCD section (which I have).
Anyway, I will definitely look into those books you all mentioned...I would like to read up and learn more about her and find out why she is the way she is. It's still a mystery to me as I have no contact with her.
Thanks again!
Take care! :)
Anyway, I will definitely look into those books you all mentioned...I would like to read up and learn more about her and find out why she is the way she is. It's still a mystery to me as I have no contact with her.
Thanks again!
Take care! :)
gsonana
07-16-2003, 03:00 AM
Hi My mother to was never satisfied with anything I did, I was an only child and she and my father divorced with I was 10, she came from a very poor family and was determined we were going to be somebody
she alway I said put on airs when people were around, and when I grew up and got married of course she hated him, and she was right he was all wrong, but he showed me love and was nice and I feel I leaped at the chance to be free of being the disappointing child. She was like that all her life. She had a massive stroke some yrs later and informed me it was duty to take care of her, my kids were grown and gone and I worked a full time job, so I kept her with me for one yr and was severely mentally abused everyday, I hated to go home from work. THen she had somemore strokes and finally the doctor convinced her to go to an assisted living place, she treated everyone there so sweet but when it was just the 2 of us she wd be her usual hateful self. Iam sure God did this January b/4 she died the following november she had another stroke, well she was as different as day and night, wd tell me how much she loved me kiss my hand and beg me not to leave, I use to ask her who are u my mother has never been the nice, I really think God made her that way so I wouldn't have all bad memeories of her and that Iam thankful for, because I did always love her just didn't like her ways. Hope this helps someone else.
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Malinda
she alway I said put on airs when people were around, and when I grew up and got married of course she hated him, and she was right he was all wrong, but he showed me love and was nice and I feel I leaped at the chance to be free of being the disappointing child. She was like that all her life. She had a massive stroke some yrs later and informed me it was duty to take care of her, my kids were grown and gone and I worked a full time job, so I kept her with me for one yr and was severely mentally abused everyday, I hated to go home from work. THen she had somemore strokes and finally the doctor convinced her to go to an assisted living place, she treated everyone there so sweet but when it was just the 2 of us she wd be her usual hateful self. Iam sure God did this January b/4 she died the following november she had another stroke, well she was as different as day and night, wd tell me how much she loved me kiss my hand and beg me not to leave, I use to ask her who are u my mother has never been the nice, I really think God made her that way so I wouldn't have all bad memeories of her and that Iam thankful for, because I did always love her just didn't like her ways. Hope this helps someone else.
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Malinda