I need advice. My 20 year old daughter is addicted to oxys. Since, April she has been through 3 detoxes. She was at one of the detoxes/rehabs for a month in the summer. Her last detox was last month. After the last detox, she told me that she knew to stay sober she needed to attend NA meetings and ask for help. She has stopped attending the NA meetings and on Saturday informed me that she doesn't need the NA meetings because she doesn't get anything out of them. She also told me that she wasn't really an addict because she didn't think of the pills constantly like her friend does who is also addicted. She told me that she feels so guilty because she knows how much I worry about her. So last night at dinner, I knew she was as high as a kite. But she told me that she took a quanapin (spelling? something for anxiety that her dr gave her). I asked her to take a urine test and she said yes at first, and then said no. She told me that she would, and it came back positive for opiates. But she told me that last week when she had a minor operation they gave her a percodon, and that was probably what made the test come back positive. Can anybody give me advice on what I should do about her? I can't stand to see her killing herself. She swore to me tonight that she is clean, but she left to go sleep at her friends for a few days, because she can't stand to see me so worried. What does a mother do? All I can do is worry about her. Can anybody who is addicted give me some input as to what I can do to help her? Some of my friends tell me to take her car and cell phone away and kick her out. I love her too much to kick her out.

I know you have heard this over and over and Im a mom and I would be doing exactly what you are, asking and praying for help but you know that until she wants to NOT take the pills shes gonna do it no matter who cares and that inclused you. I feel for you and I cannot imagine what you are going thru each and every time she goes thru detox and all the pain you see her in. I am so sorry that you have to watch that. Just don't blame yourself and always love her. Sometimes that does mean taking things away (cell and car) in order for you to be happy with what you are trying to do (ya know like questioning yourself if you are doing everything you could be doing). There is really nothing you can do mom....until LiLa wants to stop and it might take LiLa having to do without things and hitting a bottom for her before she realizes she has to change. Don't facilitate her. Have you been to any NA/AA meetings? Sometimes that helps YOU to kow what more you can do or maybe it will let you know that you are doing all you can. Hang in there. AllyI need advice. My 20 year old daughter is addicted to oxys. Since, April she has been through 3 detoxes. She was at one of the detoxes/rehabs for a month in the summer. Her last detox was last month. After the last detox, she told me that she knew to stay sober she needed to attend NA meetings and ask for help. She has stopped attending the NA meetings and on Saturday informed me that she doesn't need the NA meetings because she doesn't get anything out of them. She also told me that she wasn't really an addict because she didn't think of the pills constantly like her friend does who is also addicted. She told me that she feels so guilty because she knows how much I worry about her. So last night at dinner, I knew she was as high as a kite. But she told me that she took a quanapin (spelling? something for anxiety that her dr gave her). I asked her to take a urine test and she said yes at first, and then said no. She told me that she would, and it came back positive for opiates. But she told me that last week when she had a minor operation they gave her a percodon, and that was probably what made the test come back positive. Can anybody give me advice on what I should do about her? I can't stand to see her killing herself. She swore to me tonight that she is clean, but she left to go sleep at her friends for a few days, because she can't stand to see me so worried. What does a mother do? All I can do is worry about her. Can anybody who is addicted give me some input as to what I can do to help her? Some of my friends tell me to take her car and cell phone away and kick her out. I love her too much to kick her out.

Hello "mom"-

First let me say that I am sorry for your situation. You must worry all the time about her and I imagine it's very scary for you. When I was 20 I was using drugs and living at home with my parents. When they became aware of my drug use they gave me an ulitimatum, which was stop or get out. I NEVER thought they would kick me out, but they did when I didn't stop using. They packed my clothes in trash bags and set them out on the driveway. My mom said she could not let me kill myself in her home anymore. Their "tough love" approach worked becuase I found myself missing the comforts of home so much that I agrred to attend rehab. Please, please listen to me when I tell you that your daughter has a serious problem and needs help. If she's telling you she's not an addict she is lying to you. She sounds like she feels guilty about causing you to worry about her which shows she at least cares how this is affecting others. But, you need to start getting tough with her, if you want to save her. I know it's hard to hear this but it's true. This addiction is going to rob her of her life slowly but surely and you as her mother have every right to step in and be forceful if need be. Ultimately your daughter is the one who has to decide to be clean and stay away from those pills and those people who she uses with. But you can initiate things in a more demanding manner. You have no time to waste. She is young and can still accomplish alot with her life if she is clean. Those pills will rob her of her self-esteem, her desires to achieve, and her will, in time. Please step in and help her, no matter what methods you may have to utilize. Does she have any straight friends who could get together with you and maybe have an intervention? How about someone at a church? Pastor. counselor. Waht does her dad say about this? I really hop I have not stepped over th line in what I have said here. I know what this disease of addiction can do to people and families first hand. You came to the right place for help and advice. Good job. Keep us informed.

Jenny

Jenny and Ally - Thanks so much for your responses. I know that I need to get tough with her. It's just going to kill me to do it, but I know it's what I have to do to save her. If she comes home and shows an effort to remain clean by attending NA meetings and showing me that she is sober, she can continue to live here. If not, she's going to have to go into rehab. or leave this house. We cannot continue to live like we are now. It's not living. Last night the whole household was a mess! My other daughter said the she can't take seeing her sister killing herself. The couple she is staying with for a few days are totally into NA, and hopefully, she will attend the meeting with them. My husband knows that we need to tell her to leave and we have put it off in the past because he knows it's going to kill me. She has also discussed going on suboxone, but she has had a hard time finding any dr's in this area who can take on new patients. Thanks again!

My son went through detox for Oxycontin in May. He did great. I was so proud of him. Friday afternoon he wrecked my kitchen when I wasn't home. Someone had stolen an OC from him. When I got home from work he was crying and saying he wished he was dead. He had no reason to live. No one could ever help him.. He left in his truck after throwing a note to me which struck me as suicidal. I called the police and they took him to the hospital. The next day they sent him to a Physch center where he has been ever since. When the police came they searched his room and found lots of pot, no pills. They kept the pot and pipes and didn't press charges. He called me a few times to tell me how much he hated me. Today I talked to his social worker and she says he told her he doesn't want to get off OC's because of his constant stomach pain. He has always lived at home(he is 22). He has nowhere to go when they let him out on Friday. I can't have him back home. I love him dearly but this is the second time my sweet boy wrecked my house. He did it in May just before he detoxed. I don't know how to convince him that if he quits the drugs we can then work on the stomach pain which came on before he started using. It is probably IBS. Doctors have done many tests on him and they all come out fine. He's convinced himself the only thing that will help is OC's. We meet Thursday - the social worker, him, his father and I. I can't imagine what to do. So to the mother who needs advice, I guess I need it to.

Lila's Mom, like you I am the mother of an addict. My daughter has said the very same things to me, when she was 20 and 21 and 22, I wanted so much to believe her, that I bent over backwards and closed my eyes to the obvious.

I saw a few holes in your daughters story that you should be able to confirm quite easily, should you want to. The drug she was probably referring to was Klonopin, does she have a perscription for it? If so, why does she? If she is still on your insurance this should be quite easy to check on. Surgery last week, were you aware of any surgery? I am not an expert but I don't think the effects would last for a week, call your doctor and check out the story. I too, have heard that my daughter is not like all of those other addicts, she is different!!!!! Ask any addict, they will tell you, this is all smoke and screen to throw you off the path.

Trust your gut instinct, it is probably right. Get yourself some help by going to a Naranon meeting, they will be able to help you a great deal. My daughter is now 25 and we are still going through some of the same problems we have had since 1999. Don't want to sound like the voice of doom, but you sound a lot like me a few years ago. My daughter had everything and she thought she deserved it. I guess I thought she did too, I kept supplying her with everything she wanted and looking back, I think I even tried to use things to bribe her into staying away from drugs. I too have heard the story about why she didn't fit in at NA meetings, she was just not like those people, she had nothing in common with them. They were older, street wise addicts, she was a young, pretty, priviledged college student that had over-protective parents that just couldn't understand that she had make this one mistake and could now take charge of her own recovery. Oh, how desperately we wanted to believe her.

If I had taken a tougher approach back when, then she would have reached a bottom much sooner than she did and I would have realized that I can't do her recovery for her, I was enabling her to sustain the life style she wanted and still be able to use her DOC. I can't save you from your mistakes, just as you can't save her - I can advise you to seek some help for yourself. This is the only way you will be able to come to terms with her addiction and your panic. All too well do I know the panic - waiting for the phone to ring, watching her like a hawk to determine if she has been using, picking up the pieces, jumping in to save her everytime she fell, giving her money so she wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of her using. I have done it all - one of the worst enablers you will ever want to meet and I did it all in the name of love. Love for my child, each time I saved her I thought it would be the last chapter in that book, since then there has been an entire novel.

The Sunday morning before her 25th birthday (9-12) we got a call from the police, she had been found by a neighbor slumped over the steering wheel of her car, not breathing. When we got to the hospital, she was on a ventialtor, barely alive. This was our worst nightmare, but one that we had sort of been preparing ourselves for, the last few years we had seen her use over and over again, we screamed, we shouted, we threatened, we prayed......guess what -
none of it did any good, only she had control over whether or not she used. I just couldn't accept that. Naranon has been a life saver for me, it can be for you too, but as I said before, you have to reach the place where you have to admit that you are powerless over her drug use. The hardest thing in the world that a parent can do, admit that they are powerless to save the life of their child. Good luck and if you need any more info, just ask and I will be glad to supply it.

Monday

Joan and Lila. Tough love is not the way I would advise either one of you to go. Opiate addiction is extremely difficult to overcome. Many need "Medicine Assisted Therapy. ie: Methadone or Buprenorphine. Please check into both of these treatments. It is often just a waste of time to pursue any other method treatment until the physical craving is properly addressed. For the sake of your sons, I strongly recommend you seriously consider these methods of treatment.

kennyseven

well, I just wanted to say a few things. Im not a mother of an addict but I am an addict myself who's mother is trying to help me emensley. I can understand why she might not want to go to the NA meetings. Some are wonderful, most are very cruel to MMT/BUP patients and inpatients attending the meetings and I dont go by the 12 steps myself. Ive been in inpatient and outpatient treatment centers 8 times in the last 13 months and my mother had offered for me to do my last detox in a treatment center and stay 28 days in her guest bedroom. My sister holds my cel phone and my mother monitors my meds. I agreed to this because the 28 days after detox are very crucial and I never make it after 2 weeks. I get very angry and bitter sometimes and make my mother feel very un-appreciated but ill tell you I appreciate every bit of what she is doing for me. It's a mean drug and very hard to let go of and it's going to take time. Ive been a heroin addict for almost 10 years and im only 24. At first I did the same things your daughter was doing but I realized the drug had turned on me and now im fighting. But really, dont kick her out or anything like that, she's not too far gone. I started out with using oxycontin IV and moved to one of the most potent quickly, Fentenyl. I might get fed up and leave and go back home but it always hurts that I keep pushing the hands away that try to pick me up. My point is, she might seem cold but im sure that's not how she really feels. Remember that opiates also relieve emotional pain and that's why a lot of people use them.

If she wont take a test here are common signs
It's all in the eyes, pin point pupils, they dont dialate
she might be scratching herself a lot
and depending on the dose, if she is using low doses she might be a little energetic, if she is using high doses, she will be nodding off a lot.

And I think the drug "Klonopin" I would keep a watch on those too.

If you have any q's i'd love to help out

I am not a mother I am a daughter of a concerned one also. I'm also addicted to oxy's. She has done everything for me went to many outpatient programs. Had me get a job with her, took me to FLA with her for 2wks. Even though I knew she was so scared she would come in my room to see if I'm breathing, and still I didn't care. when we went to FLA I drove her crazy I want to go home, I'd rather be dead then w/d. so he said fine we can go home but you have to leave my house. I never thought she'd say that. Then my 2 lovely sisters said things to her like: when I'm dead in a year don;t cry to them, I could never do it .. But that bothered me so bad I wanted to prove them wrong. so now I am on suboxone,, it's much better then i had imagined. I never gave it a chance cus I didn't want to. But she can do it. I now have no friends. they were sick of dealing with it. So now i have my mom and I love her so much for helping me and sticking by me. I will make her proud, and she'll never have to woory like that again.
I hope she gets strong, usually it all stems down to being young and having no self esteem.
Also from what I heard oxys,percs,etc.. are out of your system in 72 hrs

To the moms seeking advice-

Hi. It's Jenny again. I posted a reply to Lila's mom earlier. I noticed another mother had written in too. You know, after reading all the comments from the caring people on this board, I'm sure you are still feeling just as scared and concerned for your addicted children. That feeling probably won't go away until you know %100 that your kids are clean. You are not alone in this battle. Each addict is going to require a different method of staying clean. Some use meds to keep their cravings under control. Some rely on NA or other groups. Some use God for strength, or a combination of all these. I doubt your kids are going to seek out these methods on their own. I think you mom's should approach them by offering to find them any help they can get. Take them to the doctor and be honest about the situation. Tell your kids that you want to help them if they want the help. If they don't, I say they are on their own. Sounds tough, but let them know when they are ready to stop using, you are there for them. Allowing your kids to live with you while they are using is enabling them to use. Think about it. They have a nice warm bed to sleep off their high in. Food in the fridge. T.V. to watch. A shower to use. Unles you forbid to use these comforts they are livng it up and at the same time slowly destryoing themselves. I am speaking from experience as a former addict. I lived at home while shooting heroin in my room, using coke, smoking crrack. All under the cozy roof of my parents. Now I am clean and the mother of three precious girls and my mother and I go around speaking to other parents and addicits at treatment centers about how this disease affects the whole family. Please know that there are three outcomes of being addict who won't stop; jails, instututions or death. Help your kids as much as you can but don't enable them. If they want to quit they will and you will be there to help them. I am praying for you and your families. Do you have a church to go to? My mom and dad took me up to the church and had the people lay hands on me. I could feel the spirit of God in that room that day. At the time I couldn't explain it, but looking back I know what happened. Reach out to others for help too. Stay strong moms.

Jenny :angel:

I am the other mother. My son is still at the phsych center. He called me today and actually didn't tell me that he hated me. He told me that the doctor's are testing him for his stomach pain if only to prove to him once and for all there is nothing physically wrong. And if there is, fine we will know and work on it. But I hope he will understand that OC's are not the answer. He seemed calm and has been 4 days without them. I also told him I can't have him living with me. I realize now how much I enabled him to stay on the drugs. I will pay for health insurance for him because right now he doesn't have any. This will help him with any therapy and medication he might need but I truly can't watch him destroy my house in violence again. He's done it twice now. It ends here. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the social worker and will see where we go from here. If he is willing, maybe a halfway house. I pray he sees the light. Thanks everyone.

Joans Harvest, please hang in there. It's such a difficult thing. After detox, hopefully, your son will go to a half way house and continue to get better.

Laynes Addiction - you sound like my daughter - I know she loves me like you love your mom. Thanks so much for responding to me. Keep on trying, honey, it sounds like you know what you have to do, and it sounds like you're trying so hard.

Monday, I have attend two meetings of Naranon and they did help me. I will continue to go.

KennySeven and Laura D and Jennylostory - My daughter is trying to get on suboxone. She went to the site and printed out all the dr's in our area who can give it out. All of them weren't accepting new patients. Laura D, you live in the same area, can you tell me where my daughter could get treated with suboxone around here? You sound like you are doing good. New friends will come, and thank goodness for your mom!

My daugher just went off to a NA meeting. She tested negative tonight before she left. She still claims she wasn't using and the reason she tested positive Sunday night was from her operation on Thursday when they gave her the pill. She threw the Klonopin away. Her phyciatrist gave them to her for her anxiety. She suffers from depression and ADD also. Maybe I scared her enough by saying that if she continued to use, she wouldn't be able to live here. Only time will tell.

To the mom's-

It sounds to me like things are heading in the right direction for your kids. The halfway house would be a good move for your son if he is willing. I would really push that idea. Hearing you talk about this from a mother's perspective really makes me re-live the pain that I caused my mom years ago. Just know that you have done the best job with your kids and that their addiction is not your fault. Stay strong and keep praying. I will too.

Jenny

your stories are heartbreaking...both the moms (i have 4 kids) and the addicts (i am a recovering alcoholic)...i feel your pain and i will pray for you guys....i think also there is no pat answer...no secret formula...i know with my sister who has been using since she was 11 years old and is 37 now? i will not help her in any way shape or form. she was in jail last year for B & E to get money for her drugs...she wrote me a letter asking me to send her a carton of cigarettes and get her a lawyer to sue the jail for treating her badly. her body is falling apart from the drugs. her bones are like swiss cheese as is her brain because she actually thought i would help her...she fell and broke her hip and has metal poles holding her together...she has pins holding her knee together...a normal little fall for her is like a 90 year old person falling. it's sad. i responded to her letter and described to her what my husband looked like and felt like in his coffin (he was also an addict who died from an accidental overdose). his mother always knew he would end that way. i was far more hopeful...i told my sister she was killing our mother with her behavior...so far, she appears to be clean. i don't buy it...she's let me down too many times. she is my mother's baby, so as a mother i know her feelings...lucky for me, my kids didn't take that road. maybe my husband was their example for how NOT to live your life...our daughter (who was 6 when he died) has no idea about his addiction...my boys saw him in full swing. he was clean for years when i married him...he was a good dad, a loving intelligent man...he started smoking a little pot here and there and it just spiraled out of control...he drank, did crack, heroin....it was horrible...every time he picked up again after a year here, 2 years there, it was worse...i threw him out, but i still loved him...love doesn't save them....if it did? phil would be alive and sober. i cope by praying...doing the right thing...treating people right, enjoying my life that God has given me today...i still miss him terribly. my advice to the moms is to let go...you are powerless over your kid's disease...they have to live their own lives...THEY have to get sick of their lives and make a change. you can't do it for them no matter how bad you want it for them...that's the cold hard truth. ask God to help you cope...live your life to the fullest...stay busy and DO NOT HELP THEM unless they are doing the right thing...that is what i would do...it's what i have done and sadly it may not make a difference. i'm sorry for your pain...kids who are recovering? hang in there....it can be done...little by little. i am proof. i am also very happy in spite of it all...losing my love...i keep going and i smile (after i cried a whole lot) keep praying...
stormy

Just wanted to say hi, and let you know you are not alone. i am going through a similar with my daughter and her boyfriend, They were both detoxed 38 days ago, and it has been tough for all of us,

They are both working and i know they are trying, but damn my hubby and I are tired!.

My daughter has changed, and from what I have read her drug of choice, heroin changes your limbic system in your brain, and as a result your personality. My daughter is going to counseling three days a week, its supposed to be intensive, yet no one there has experienced heroin.. Her counselor has made an offer for her to speak to a ounseler who is a fomer addict, maybe this will help..

She is so depressed, also is bipolar and is taking lithium and 25mg of elavil which i don;'t think is enough.

I am manic depressive myself and have been on lithium for 15 yeas, and I consider myself pretty ok.


But my daughter, my baby, i love her so much, but she is a different person. This damn drug has changed her so much,

Anyway not to ramble, just to say good luck and know you are not alone.

cheers

It's places like this that keep us all going. Both addicts, recovering addicts and families of addicts. We all need to know we are doing the best we can. We all need support. We all need hope. No matter how many times an addict relapses they still need the hope that one day they will succeed. I don't want to take that away from my son. I also don't want to enable him. It's such a fine line and sometimes it's so hard to know if you are doing the right thing. He's my 22 year old baby. I spent last night going through photos of him when he was happy and such an angel. It breaks my heart and yet I need some kind of strength to not give in to his manipilative ways. Even when he is using me to get what he wants he is such an angel. My daughter and I will go to an al-anon meeting tomorrow. Hope I can get some insight. Thank you all for your input and positive thoughts.

I am sorry I didn't realize you lived so close. My dr. is Dr. Michael McGee he is also a psychiatrist which will be helpful. However this is an outpatient program not a detox.He is right in danvers. i misplaced his number ,but i will find it for you tomorrow.he does not accept insurance. i will say some prayers for your daughter tonite.

you sound like me. i've been dealing with this for a year and a half. at first i tried to take her to detox ,but she was so frightened and as she sit there with her teddy bear waiting for a bed i realized she never even slept at anyone's house overnight. some kids do better surrounded by the people who love them most.then a counselor told me he thought she would do quite well there because the things she saw and heard would scare her so much she would never come back. so i said laura lets get out of here . everybody's child is different you have to decide what works best for your daughter.these kids start out doing this as casual fun never realizing how terribly dangerous and addictive it is. it just gets them and they don't know how to get out of it. so far the best thing laura did was find suboxone. it gave me my daughter back.the funny part is i have 4 daughters and she is the one who never gave me any problems until she was 20.,but this is the kind of problem that stays with you from the time you get up til you go to sleep.i know your stress .just try to relax .you did not do this to your daughter.i lived through a lot of time just ignoring it so i wouldn't have to confront the stress because i was exhausted from it.i could never throw my daughter out either because i know what a wonderful person she really is. the thing that makes me realize how guilty she felt for what she was doing to me was that she spent a great deal of time cleaning and cooking while i was working so i wouldn't be so mad at her. a strong disciplinarian i am not, but i did at one point take away her cell phone which she later told me helped to make her lose quite a few valuable numbers that she couldn't get back.i'll be thinking of you and hoping to hear good news . don't worry you'll be happy again and so will lila. love,laura's mom

I have to say that I agree with "Stormy". As hard as it would be to let go of a loved one who is actively using, I think this is the only way they will truly seek help for themselves. When I got to the point (at age 20) when I wanted to stop doing drugs I remember thinking that my parents would find me a good treatment center and everyone would take care of me and I would get better. How surprised I was when my mom handed me the phone book and said "you better start calling around to see who has an opening". I was shocked and fought with her. I didn't understand why she wouldn't make the arrangements for me. It was a very humbling experience, calling various treatment centers hearing myself describe myself and my drug addiction over and over to people. When I did finally get accepted into one I was proud of myself for finding it on my own. By the way the name of that treatment center is MARR which stands for Metro Atlanta Recovery Residence. They have a website too. This place is unbelievable and has an amazing staff of professionals. They have a mens and womens program, halfway houses and so much more for families too. Don't know if you are in a position to send you kids that far, but I wanted to let you know about it.

I am praying for your families and I know that God has a plan for your kids. He didn't create them to be drug addicts. He has so much in store for them and one day I know they will be stronger people because of this.

Jenny

Laura D, thanks so much for the name of the dr. And to Laura D's mom it was so good to hear your experience with your daughter. I am happy for you that the suboxone has worked for her.

Since I don't honestly think I could ever kick her out of my house, I pray that she can do the suboxone.

But I know that someday, if she is still using and it gets bad, I will have to kick her out. Hopefully, it won't ever get to that point. I love my baby girl so much. I just want my girl back. I will try to get her on the suboxone. I wish I could find a dr who accepted insurance.

Lila's Mom, I loved my baby girl too, I now love my adult daughter. The love hasn't changed, I just had to accept the fact that she is an adult and needs to be treated like one. Your daughter is 20, she will never go back to the sweet, innocent child she was, she has been through a lot and is in a very adult situation now. Let her be an adult, you can no longer parent her, you can love her, you can support her, you can help her, but let her learn to be the adult she is and accept responsibility for her actions - the good ones and the bad ones.

Our parenting days are gone, this doesn't mean throw them out and forget them, just accept that they are adults, making adult choices and decisions. I long for the days when my daughter was young, before all of this happened, we can't change it, we can't undo history - we can only go on from here. We can love them all of their lives, but at the age of 20, they are an adult, legally and in every other sense.

Monday

this is such a supportive group...i admire everyone here...dealing with an addict is a difficult thing...they can run so hot and cold and manipulate and tear your heart to shreads....the one positive thing everyone can do is pray...it is comforting and it gives you hope...i have been very cynical when it comes to my sister and my alcoholic brother...i feel doomed for them...it's been sooo many years for them both. i am amazed their bodies can take it....i still pray for them because they still can make me so angry for the way they hurt my mom...
what also helps me is to go and help people that I CAN help...volunteer, donate your time to children, to the elderly...just smile at everyone you see. it lifts people and make you feel like a million bucks...all that smiling can only make you feel better...
stormy

My son found out today that the stomach pain he has had is real. He was tested for ulcers in the spring with a blood test for H pylori. It came out negative so they wouldn't (HMO-they don't want to spend the money) do an endoscopy which actually takes pictures of your stomach. Well at the physch center he is at they started a battery of tests for his stomach pain. They did an endoscpy. Come to find out he has five ulcers. He was actually happy to have the ulcers because as he says it now proves that his pain was real and to think no one believed him. Now we can treat the ulcers but he is still left with his OC addiction to deal with. Obviously this changed everything and I brought him home. I made up some ground rules though. No friends (who do drugs-And I know who they all are.) at the house. No drugs. And he has to get a job as soon as the ulcers get under control. He is more than agreeable. We will just have to see if he can keep away from th OC's. He will also have to attend one NA meeting a week. He's 6 foot tall and weighs 118 lbs. He lost so much weight in a week. I couldn't believe him. He couldn't keep any food down. We still have to deal with his depression and anxiety. But I think because the ulcers prove he wasn't imagining the pain makes him want to try hard. I think he truly thought he was going crazy. Well, now only time will tell. Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Stormy, what good advice. I have found that the 12 step programs have helped me tremendously, not just in dealing with my daughter, but in every aspect of my life. The last step, 12 is to carry the message to others and try to practice the principles.

I used to think I had control, in fact, I was a control freak of sorts, didn't always tell you what to do, but did feel that my opionion should be taken and used. It was quite a surprise to realize that I had no control over whether or not my daughter used or didn't use. She lied to me, to pacify me and I always wanted to believe her, afterall, she was my pride and joy. Still is, but we have had quite a few earthquakes in the last few years. Each time she relapsed, I took it as a personal failure on my part, something that I had failed to do. It has taken me several years to reach the place I am now, I know I didn't cause it, I know I can't cure it and I know that I can't control it. If I had let her suffer more of the consequence, she may not have used as long as she has, I don't know, neither does she. We have done what we have done - now we are working on an entirely new relationship, adult child and mother, not mother and child.

When I read a post like Lila's Mom, my heart just aches, I know exactly what she is going through and how much she wishes she could change things. I just want to open her eyes and help her see that she must take care of herself first, the rest will fall into place, with help from a higher power.

Monday

Joan, sounds like you are feeling much better about everything, I know how your son feels, when you have pain and no one believes you it is very frustrating. I have heard that some rounds of anti-biotics can take care of the H-pylori pretty quickly, maybe once the pain is gone, the addiction recovery will not be far behind.

On Oct. 26 I was home finishing up some Halloween costumes and was hit by some terrible stomach pains, after several hours I asked my husband to take me to the ER, the pain was excruiating - got to the ER around 2am, told the doctor what my problem was, later my husband told me that the nurse told him she bet it was my gall bladder - after xrays and a shot for pain he patted me on the head and pronounced I had a virus. This was at 7am. The rest of the day the pain didn't really get much better, until around 3 or so, then it changed, I took some more of my pain pills and didn't sleep at all, had fever and chills. I got on the internet and told my husband I thought it was my appendix. The next morning I called my doctor, they worked me in and she kept asking me millions of questions, I told her I thought it was my appendix, she had requested the records from the ER and asked me why he let me go, my white blood count was high, I had blood in my urine and a fever??? If I knew why he let me go I would have told her, he didn't tell us any of that. She scheduled me for a ct, asap. I heard her tell the woman she wanted to make me the appointment.

The woman called, she looked over at me and asked "Is 8:30 on the Thursday, the 30th ok?" I glared at her and told her I didn't think I would live that long, so she got me in at 3:15, after drinking all of the barium, having a barium iv and a barium enema, they let me go home. I had barely got home and back in bed when the doctors office called and said, go straight to the hospital.

I told my husband that my appendix had already ruptured, it happened sometime Sunday afternoon, when the pain changed. So I had surgery, a lot of infection and came home with a drain bag, very gross and painful. This could have all been avoided if the doctor had taken just a little more time or even kept me for a few hours, but he didn't. I understand your son's frustration, when you are in pain and no one will listen it drives you crazy. I got the drain bag out Monday and am just know able to even sit here and type and make sense. I am still mad at that doctor!!!!!!!!!! The lady at the doctors office too!!!!

I am sorry I got off on my tangent, just haven't had anyone to talk to or go anywhere for two weeks now, I think I have cabin fever. Thank God for my computer, my link to the outside world. People call, but never when I feel like talking, here I can come when I feel like it, night or day.
Monday

Monday,
It sounds like you have had a terrible time. I hope you feel better soon. My daughter a few years ago had lower back pain , no other symptoms and I had a gut feeling it was a kidney infection. Her Dr. insisted it couldn't be. Well, fortunately I was persistant and took her to the emergency room and sure enough she had a kidney infection. I just wish I would have persisted in the spring when my son was being tested for his stomach and maybe none of this would have happened. But it did happen and now we have to deal with it. I just hope he can stay off the OC's. Take care, Monday and feel better.

monday...what an experience...i hope you stay on the mend and feel better soon...thank God you were insistent...i know what you mean by the control thing, it made me nuts when i would give my sisters the correct solution and they would not DO it!!! LOL...i am so grateful, thanks to the 12 steps, that i have learned to let go and let God...it sure lets me off the hook and i am a much more relaxed, nicer, easier to get along with person. now i can give my 2 cents and not have any expectations. life sure is easier that way...
joan i am glad your son found our his physical ailments were real...poor thing. i will pray for him tonight...i have a good feeling about him. :)
stormy

Monday, I'm sorry to hear about your illness. The pain must have been horrible. Hope you feel better soon. I really liked your post about my daughter being 20, which is an adult, and let her make her adult decisions and take responsiblity for her actions. I guess I liked hearing you say that you don't have to kick them out. I need to stop trying to control and that's hard for me. It sounds like you are in a good place in this journey of yours. I long to be there and pray that I can be soon.


Stormy, it's nice to know I can come to this board and talk to people who are so caring.

Joan - I hope your son continues to not use the oxy's.

My daugher seems to be sober. I guess I'm living one day at a time.

Lila's Mom, my daughters problems started when she was 20, before that she seemed like the perfect daughter, I was totally unprepared. I went crazy for a few years, I tried an Alanon meeting and came away feeling more depressed than before I went. It took me another 3 years to work my way back into trying recovery for myself.

It has been a long, hard journey, that is why I asked if you have been trying to get some help for yourself. I have gone through the entire process, blaming myself for failing as a parent, blaming the group she was hanging around with. You name it, I have done it - in just the past 5 months have I arrived at a peaceful place, it is great to be here. All of my problems are not solved, they never will be, but I have the courage and the strength to take me through. Please try Naranon - you may not get it at first, I sure didn't, I was a remedial student and still have a lot to learn. Anything I can help you with, just please ask.

Monday

Hello Everyone,

My son has been home two days. His attitude is very good. Now that he has a reason for all his pain he seems to be happy to be off Oc's and is looking foward to getting on the correct medication for ulcers. I just hope he doesn't fall into the trap when he sees his old friends and I know many of them do painkillers for recreation. He needs to understand that though there is now a reason for the pain he is still an opiate addict. My daughter and I are going to an al-anon meeting on Thursday. I am insisting that if he lives at home with me he attend at least one NA or AA meeting a week. I told him tonight that I would be attending al-anon meetings and he actually thanked me for doing it. I feel there is hope on the horizon and I am happy I never gave up on him. He is such an angel when he is not on opiates. Thanks for the support everyone. Joan

Joan, I am so happy to hear things are going smoothly at your house. You will find Naranon useful in every aspect of your life. You are forced to come to terms with how you deal with things.

I found out some very negative traits that I have - I was critical, self-righteous, and very controling. I don't mean controlling like telling you every detail of what to do with your life, but I did know best!!! I learned not to judge other peoples motives, let them live their own life and to focus on the positive things in my life. I was always a people pleaser, hated to say no, even if it meant a great deal of trouble for me and left things I needed and wanted to do undone. I always felt like I had to find a remedy for every crisis and found comfort in the fact that I was so needed. I volunteered way, way too much, all in an effort to tell myself I was a worthy person. When you work step 4, it is slow, at first I didn't recognize any of the things that I had been doing as wrong. Hope you are a quicker student than me.

Monday