We all understand how hard this is for you, but your g'mother is right. My teen-aged g'sons had to see it happen to their g'father, my husband, and none if it was easy. But, yes, you can pretend. Like most things in life, you choose how to respond to them, and sometimes pretending is as good a way to deal as anything else. You are so blessed to have had this wonderful relationship w/your Pappy, many people don't have that, you don't want to let him down now. Practice being happy and cheerful in your room, practice talking to your beloved Pappy, keep doing it over and over until you can do it w/out crying so much, you have to give yourself some support before you go to see him and practicing will help. But you can cry about him, too, and what you are losing, it's good for you, releases tension and cleanses your system. This is one of the most difficult times you will have in life, but it can have pleasant memories as well if you'll look at it that way. In the normal course of events, we all lose our parents and g'parents but we never forget. If anyone had a magic spell to make it all go away, we'd use it, but in the long run, these sorrows make us stronger. You said you're the strong one in the family--so am I, but that didn't take away my profound hurt, but you just keep doing what you have to do. So pretend for the sake of your Pappy and let your emotions out when at home, and understand that you will hurt, really hurt, but you have a husband and a child, and like the rest of us, you may not believe it right now, but you'll get thru it. Bless us all.