Hi My name is Merv & I'm a new poster.

My hat is off to all care providers, it is a very difficult thing especially if you are related to the person. I cared for both terminally ill parents untill they passed.

I have known Donna for sixteen years but have only cared for her personally as a client for aprox three years. Donna has 3rd or 4th degree progressive multiple sclerosis. She was diagnosed by a very good nuroligist (sp?) four or five years ago.

Donna is very hard to take care of. She is very manic & moody and abusive. If she runs out of her pain meds i know im in for it. She is a very evil minded, evil toungued woman & has very little conscience left.
However fortunatly for her & i (i think) she still has loads of mobility left. She is 52 small wirey & very active. Sometimes she will clean up after herself other times she will go behind us & undo everything we do & throw stuff on floor, tip stuff over just to make more work & see if she can get a reaction. She is an emotional vampire & loves to mess with people in order to get a reaction.

My practice is to start reciting the Lords Prayer (sometimes i think the woman is posessed) or the Shepherds Prayer the minute i roll in. This helps calm me & keeps my brain busy & I know the Lord helps.

That said: What else can care providers do to deal with difficult people? I have spoken with her caseworker several times & i inform her that when Donna gets mean & mouthy, I leave. I give her a warning like if you can't say anything nice don't say anything. I then make sure everything is buttoned up & leave. The caseworker said she would expect nothing less. She has known Donna for several years.

Thanks in advance
Merv

Hi Merv,
I am also new to this board and I too am a Caregiver. I have mostly taken care of elderly hospice patients or Alzheimers patients. I sure know how you feel when you go to work and feel abused by the one that you are there to help!
The way I deal with it is to try and put myself in their shoes... I'm sure Donna is angry about her situation, or maybe it is just her nature to see just how many buttons she can push! Either way, I would do as you do...pray for strength, do the best I can, be as pleasant and upbeat as possible, and get the heck out of dodge if at all possible!! I think it is good that you tell her if she cant say anything nice not to say anything. That is, if she is in her right mind and can comprehend what you are saying. Caregivers take a lot of abuse sometimes, maybe the patient is aware of what they are doing, and maybe they arent...It is the ones that are aware that are the most difficult ..you know they are doing it on purpose, but you just dont know WHY... unless it is because they have lost their independence and are so angry you are the easiest one to take the frustrations out on?... then again...some folks are just plain mean natured!!!
The way I work is impossible to actually leave the premises, but it doesnt stop me from leaving the room! I work in private homes 7 days on and 7 off, so I have my own room as well.

My client now, has Alzheimers, and she is getting pretty mean, and has started to be combative. It does no good to scold her, so I just do the best I can, make sure she is safe and secure and clean, and leave her to herself.!

The first things I learned as a caregiver was...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! and DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Walk away, regroup yourself, then try again ...it also helps me to have other caregivers to vent to...we can compare notes, get ideas, and express our frustrations....this is how I survive this work!!! and i've been doing it for 8 yrs now. Each client I say will be my last...but somehow I wind up right back in it...guess it's what the Lord wants me to do....

Good luck with your patient! All you can do is the best you can do!! And Take cAre of yourself!!!

Hi kenonutty,
Thanks for writing. You make sense & from a veteran caregiver, (i think you mentioned eight years) I will put your advise to use tonight. Caregiving is a second job for me i work 4 hours 5 nights a week. So for someone b------g so loud i am not with her 24 hours a day (thank the Lord)! She is a handfull! For example if Im washing dishes i have to be very careful that she has not thrown broken glass in sink. This is something that I have found more then once. I really feel she should be on a medication for say a bi polar or manic state. I guess she was at one time but took herself off it because of the way it made her feel. Too normal. Funny her physician would not persue this as it is so odvious to me. Here is another funny thing. She writes everything down which is good cuz she forgets things easily. However she rambles & repeats and sometimes her writing is unreadable (she drinks). But she wants everyone to come in and (in her words) "take the time to read what i write" Now i usually do but sometimes im so busy i forget or just don't feel like reading her rambeling review of what she did all day & half the night (she's a night owl). I do it because she wishes it but i wonder if it is required of me?

Thanks for your time
Merv

Merv,
Wow, sounds like you DO have your hands full! To me it is especially hard if the patient is up and around, and actually ABLE to put broken glass in the sink! Its good that she can still write!

My patient now is bed bound. She can no longer remember how to walk or even hold herself in an upright position, but she can sure pack a punch!!!! And boy, can she cuss!! At 90 yrs. old she can sure dish it out!

I consider myself a Caregiver , not a servant, (as some people tend to treat us .)... I spend what time is necessary with my patient, to make them comfortable, to see to their needs, and to try and make them as happy as I can, and I also clean the house, do the laundry and prepare all the meals...If more time is required with her, then some of the housework may not get done, as in my opinion...she comes first...I make this clear to the family before I even start a job... If the patient doesn't sleep at nite...I sleep when she sleeps!

But, since I actually live with them for 7 days, I have more time to do those things. You on the other hand dont have that much time, working just the few hours , it would be terribly difficult to get everything done that needs to be done. If you have the time...read...if not, then I would tell her "pick what you want, the dishes done or for me to read what you have written" You can only spread yourself so far ya know!!

My sister-in-law does this work also, and she had a patient that was a drinker. Drank Bloody Mary's every day until she was drunk... then she would get up to walk, which she was wobbly with , without the alcohol, and fall ...then the fire dept would have to be called out to get her up ! So, out of fear that the lady would break a hip or something, she poured over 1/2 of the vodka out, replaced it with water, and then when she had to make the drink for her..she would ask...how much vodka do you want in here? She would say when, and never knew the difference!! Pretty clever I thought!
I intend to keep that little trick in case I ever get a drinker!! Dont know if it is possible with yours or not...but keep it in your bag of tricks for "just in case " some day!! It's probably not nice to do that, but when you have to watch out after someone else's well being, sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do!!

It's probably a good thing you dont have to stay 24/7 with her, and from the sounds of it...its one of those jobs that I couldnt either! I have had some that I had to go to 3 and 4 days because it was so difficult...either they were violent, or they NEVER slept!

I guess we should be thankful that we are able to do what we do, and ask God to give us the strength to keep on keeping on! and to have empathy for the ones we take care of.. I really take a look sometimes and think....dang...I sure don't want to get this way! Sure is an eye opener huh?

Stay well !!

Hello kenonutty,

Yes i can relate to your sister & her client. While Donna is active & in fairly good condition, her drinking is a great concern to me. She falls alot and at the moment she does not have a live in care provider. I could not live with the woman and have been honest about that with her and her caseworker. There are usually two care providers for her every day of the week except Sunday and its just me Sunday night. Donna does not really want a live in either. She is still perty independent however M.S. is unpredictable. There is something she calls quicksand which apparently slowly freezes the muscles in the legs & arms until she can't move. Trying to run in your dreams or in water etc. In my opinion this is compounded by wine (her drink ha ha never tried to delute wine?? :). Then she will take a spill and as in the last one cracked her knee cap. However she has four huge angels that live with her. Her dogs pitbull/wolf (not kidding) mix. Great dogs i really like them. Well they are her helpers, plus she lives alone and in rural area so they give her peace of mind & protection. Have great big loud booming BARKS!
Nice talking to you
Merv