Hi, I just joined and I need some basic questions answered and how to tell my partner. I just started going out with someone about six weeks and we just became intimate. I told him last Saturday. He seemed to take it OK and said he needed to speak with his doctor and get some information. I spoke to him on Sunday but haven't heard from him since. I usually receive an email but haven't heard since then. I figured I would give him a few days and then ask him how he is feeling. What is your advice about this? Thanks a whole lot!

I also need some information. When having sex, what can I do and what can I not do to infect someone else. When not having an outbreak and when having an outbreak. I did find out that during an outbreak it is much easier and I probably wouldn't feel like it anyway. Any info anyone has would be helpful or any links. I am going to a support group tomorrow so I'll see what happens.

Thanks mucho! I am trying to deal with this in a mature way but I feel very angry! :D I finally meet someone I like and this happens!

I'm so sorry. Rmember that for your partner, this is going to take some getting used to also. Hopefully he will decide your relationship is worth the risk. You must remember that there is always a risk. Perhaps you might tell him that at least a fourth of all people have herpes, and many don't know about it (as it can lay dormant for years)...so if he is out dating other people, he could easily catch it or something worse from someone who isn't even trying to protect him. For advice on how to try to keep a partner from getting it, read the current Happy Couples post.

If he doesn't decide to continue the relationship, try to realize that he is not the one for you...as all relationships require some kind of risk! There are many people on this board who have found partners who value them more than the fear of contracting herpes.

I just came back from a support group and previous to this, my therapist. I still haven't heard from my friend and I realize he has to take some time to get used to it. I have already decided that I am going out there again because I am worth it. I'm not going to let this get my down. Eventually, someone will accept it. I have no idea who gave it to me and maybe that person didn't even know.

I know you are right that if he doesn't continue the relationship, it is his loss and he is not for me. I had a good time while it lasted. I am already getting ready for the rejection. I hope I can keep up this attitude! This is a great site!

I'm so sorry. Rmember that for your partner, this is going to take some getting used to also. Hopefully he will decide your relationship is worth the risk. You must remember that there is always a risk. Perhaps you might tell him that at least a fourth of all people have herpes, and many don't know about it (as it can lay dormant for years)...so if he is out dating other people, he could easily catch it or something worse from someone who isn't even trying to protect him. For advice on how to try to keep a partner from getting it, read the current Happy Couples post.

If he doesn't decide to continue the relationship, try to realize that he is not the one for you...as all relationships require some kind of risk! There are many people on this board who have found partners who value them more than the fear of contracting herpes.

Topaz ~

I'm new to all this as well. It seems that BP has all the wisdom, knowledge and courage to get us through this. Pay close attention to all her posts, there is hope and salvation in her words. If you don't hear back from the guy, oh well, you probably deserve better anyway. And remember H is not life-threatening! Now as far as this yoga class goes...do you really get anything out of it? I'm looking for something to relax me and help me cope with the stress that H brings and the stress of everyday life. Does yoga help????

Feel Better, we're all in this together -Orn

My goodness, I'm just a paragon, aren't I! Orn, you're making me laugh, thanks! But I don't often feel wise or courageous. I think those of us who have had h a long time lived through the days when everyone was so ignorant about it--we didn't know about asymptomatic shedding, or even that it could be passed on a couple days before and after the sores--that we weren't so uptight when we got it. And remember, these were the pre-AIDS days, when we thought VD, as we called it, was not so serious (since gonorrhea and syphilis were no longer dangerous, as long as you got your antibiotics early enough,) and that medical science would cure everything eventually. Those were the days of free love; nobody ever asked you if you had a disease before having sex with you! Pretty innocent and ignorant, but I think the relaxed approach to the idea of having herpes helps avoid ob's. And the old "this too will pass" saying gets you through your ob's, as well as many harder times in life.

Topaz175...HI!! :wave:

I read a post a few minutes ago by you...then I just scrolled down and saw this one. I am assuming your friend decided to end things with you because of the herpes. I'm really sorry to hear that. Did you say you guys had become intimate and then you told him? Or were you about to become intimate? I wasn't really clear....doesn't matter the point is YOU TOLD! Don't you feel good about yourself...eventhough it didn't work out with him. You should feel great! I think you telling now was good and since he did leave...it probably was for the best...so you can look at it as you saved yourself some heartache down the road. Emotions shouldn't be too tied up after 6 weeks..not like they would be if months had gone by.

I have been in your shoes and I know you feel down right now. Being rejected for something you didn't ask for is depressing...but it will pass and you will be fine. I was more upset by being rejected for havign herpes than I was over a year ago when I actually found out that my ex-boyfriend gave it to me. I got over it and went on...but it wasn't so easy to pick up the pieces after being rejected. Also, the way that a person rejects you is important. If this is someone you are spending time with and developing feelings for it is really painful if they just disappear after finding out. I think if my last partner had sat me down and had a heart to heart and said look I care for you but I can't deal with the herpes...then I think I would have been better...but he took a more abrupt approach...he just ended things and I didn't even hear from him period. It was like you got what...ssshhhhiiii I'm outta here...this is not what he said but how he made me feel. What is up with that? I think one of the most mature things you can do is be honest and upfront with someone about something so private that alot of people do hide and choose not to disclose....so why can't they be mature after finding out. Even if they don't want to be with you...there is a mature way to get that point across and falling off the face of the earth is not it.

Good luck to ya!

Yes, I remember those days of pre-AIDS! That guy broke up with me last Thursday and everyone tells me he is naive and I didn't lose much! I am trying to relax and get on with my life. I do find that Yoga helps. I am also getting over acid reflux and I had to take it easy with the yoga. As soon as I'm much better, I will try it again. I also want to get back to exercise. I am a physical person and miss all the ways to be physical. I also try to think of people that have worse conditions that this. I have a previous co-worker who is in her late 40's and she has fibromyalgia, arthritis, her daughter can't have children, she lives with her parents and has to take care of them too. Her mother is blind and her father is sick. She is trying to apply for Medicaid for them. With all this, she is in pain and most of the time goes to work. She says it keeps her mind busy. She has no life! Her husband died of a brain tumor 18 years ago and has not dated since. I try to think of myself as lucky and my problems are just ordinary. This is only intellectual but not emotional. Still getting used to H.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Have fun! My brother is coming in from California with his wife from Canada whom I've never met. I live in NYC.

Thanks again! Peace, Lisa

My goodness, I'm just a paragon, aren't I! Orn, you're making me laugh, thanks! But I don't often feel wise or courageous. I think those of us who have had h a long time lived through the days when everyone was so ignorant about it--we didn't know about asymptomatic shedding, or even that it could be passed on a couple days before and after the sores--that we weren't so uptight when we got it. And remember, these were the pre-AIDS days, when we thought VD, as we called it, was not so serious (since gonorrhea and syphilis were no longer dangerous, as long as you got your antibiotics early enough,) and that medical science would cure everything eventually. Those were the days of free love; nobody ever asked you if you had a disease before having sex with you! Pretty innocent and ignorant, but I think the relaxed approach to the idea of having herpes helps avoid ob's. And the old "this too will pass" saying gets you through your ob's, as well as many harder times in life.

Hi notsobad, :wave:

Thanks for the support. I told him before we became intimate because I knew that was the right thing to do. I didn't have my emotions tied up with him. I was just upset that he rejected me because of H but other things could have been involved. I will never know. Everyone tells me it was for the best. He really didn't know me that well anyway. I have a lot of good qualities and I'm sure I'll meet someone who will appreciate me.

I have been treating myself well and buying myself some new clothes. Have a nice Thanksgiving!

Topaz175...HI!! :wave:

I read a post a few minutes ago by you...then I just scrolled down and saw this one. I am assuming your friend decided to end things with you because of the herpes. I'm really sorry to hear that. Did you say you guys had become intimate and then you told him? Or were you about to become intimate? I wasn't really clear....doesn't matter the point is YOU TOLD! Don't you feel good about yourself...eventhough it didn't work out with him. You should feel great! I think you telling now was good and since he did leave...it probably was for the best...so you can look at it as you saved yourself some heartache down the road. Emotions shouldn't be too tied up after 6 weeks..not like they would be if months had gone by.

I have been in your shoes and I know you feel down right now. Being rejected for something you didn't ask for is depressing...but it will pass and you will be fine. I was more upset by being rejected for havign herpes than I was over a year ago when I actually found out that my ex-boyfriend gave it to me. I got over it and went on...but it wasn't so easy to pick up the pieces after being rejected. Also, the way that a person rejects you is important. If this is someone you are spending time with and developing feelings for it is really painful if they just disappear after finding out. I think if my last partner had sat me down and had a heart to heart and said look I care for you but I can't deal with the herpes...then I think I would have been better...but he took a more abrupt approach...he just ended things and I didn't even hear from him period. It was like you got what...ssshhhhiiii I'm outta here...this is not what he said but how he made me feel. What is up with that? I think one of the most mature things you can do is be honest and upfront with someone about something so private that alot of people do hide and choose not to disclose....so why can't they be mature after finding out. Even if they don't want to be with you...there is a mature way to get that point across and falling off the face of the earth is not it.

Good luck to ya!

Topaz....u mean you told the guy and then you guys had s*x and then he broke it off.....uhmmmm.....that's odd....perhaps he meant you no good in the first place....I think that is a safe conclusion....he obviously was not willing to put anything into the relationship to make it meaningful.....and besides...he had sex with you anyway...was he really bothered by the herpes or was he bothered that he wanted something casual and it was about to cost him the risk of catching herpes...who knows....trust me...sounds like you were the winner in this.