Can someone tell me what you think of my situation? Am I over-reacting or am I seeing the situation for what it is?
I have been married for ten years and my husband has always had a problem expressing emotions. He stuffs it until he detonates. He used to scream and punch walls, then started flipping furniture. He never used to follow me from room to room to scream at me.
But since we have been married I have had chronic health problems. He is stressed right now because we just lost our insurance and can't afford christmas.
He used to detonate just a couple times a year. In the last year it has increased and so has the aggression. The last fight was over something totally stupid. He picked up our youngest and kept screeming. My son was crying and hitting him. He followed my into our room and cornered me in the closet, screaming and jabbing his finger about an inch from my face. When I tried to take our son he flipped my arms off with enough force to make my arms ache.
He's a foot taller than me and extremely strong. He would never intentionally hurt me or the kids, but his anger gets the best of him. I don't know if he "blacks out" or just can't see what he looks like when he does this, but it has gotten a lot worse in a really short period of time.
If he were to ever hit, I think it would be to him like "Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that." Not on purpose, but the outcomes the same.
Has anyone else ever been here? Did they cross that line? How do you help fix it? I called the domestic violence shelter in my area and they said they would only offer anger management classes if he already hit me!!! No one is interested in stopping it before it happens!! He's a good guy, he just needs to learn coping skills. In his house, his dad just did what he want and everyone just said that's how he is. So he's learned that's ok.

Any advice anyone can give I'd appreciate. The sooner the better.

Well, I to admit I'm a lot like your husband so maybe advice from me would be the best. Fisrt of all, I have never hit a woman and never will and if he hasn't done so yet I doubt that he will. THIS DOES NOT MEAN TO TAUNT HIM TO DO SO! At any rate, the reason he is following you and cornering you is becaue he probably feels like his issue is falling on deaf ears. He feels extremely strongly about the message he's trying to get across to you. Do not ignore him and walk away, it'll probably just make it worse. He also doesn't want you to say "Yes honey, whatever you say honey" he wants the message to get across and actually sink in! Know what I mean? Fact is that he DOES NOT black out. This is a bull crap excuse so he doesn't have to face the reality of his actions. Probably the best thing to do is really take into consideration what he's saying and approach him one night when he's not mad. PLEASE don't do this during some romantic dinner or during/after intercourse!!!! Just come up to him when he's in a nuetral to good mood and snuggle him (We're all big babies on the inside.) Let him know you love him and that you understand that he's upset. Tell him you love him too much to fight like that anymore and so on and so forth. Of course don't put blame on him or dicuss it at all. Just realise that guys like us are big babies and probably need an *** beating. ;) Good luck, I hope this helps! I'll check back if you have any questions. :)

When he detonates it's not while we are discussing something. The last time was over the fact that I interupted him while he was on the phone with his buddy. He got mad because after the snide comment he made to his buddy I didn't want to speak to him. So he started screaming at me. I walked away because I have no problem talking to him but I'm not going to sit there and let him yell and act that way in front of our kids.
He needs to learn communication. I have tried to talk to him, but he always turns it into a personal issue. I have my own anger issues (but mine are turned in) and I told him as much. I told him though that we both need to get some help in better ways to cope so that our kids don't see this.
I do listen to him and things sink in fine. I am fighting some really tough health probs that are adding to it. The main "triggers" are the house not being clean and the bills that are stacking up. I don't understand why he chooses to react so violently though when I am totally willing to sit and talk. I don't have a problem with that at all. What I do take issue with is his screaming.
Does your wife listen? I do. I don't know what else to do. Thanks for your help and honest answers.

Of course you are right in the fact that he is NOT handling things the right way. He's not! I think the issue is built up frustration over your illness. He is probably very worried and frustrated about the future. In a man's mind we need to be in control and right now his wife is sick and he can't support his family. He feels threatened by his inability to fontrol the situation. He can't exactly say "I'm mad at you for being sick!" so he vents in other ways. Simply said, he's feels out of control and everything appears to be in a downward spiral. He probably reacted like he did while he was talking on the phone because he wants to appear to be in control when in fact he is not. He's probably struggling to control what few things he can right now and when that control is threatened he shows his teeth. Can I ask what your illness is?

Yes, I have narcolepsy (a neurological sleep disorder), hypothyroid and unfortunately depression is creeping in. I actually think you hit the nail on the head. Every once in a while he will admit to taking his frustrations out on me or blaming me for things that he feels he should be doing and either can't or won't. It's never made sense to be yelling at me when I am trying, it only makes it harder for me. My attacks increase when I'm under stress.
He also feels like he isn't a good provider. He feels he should have money in the bank, any and every toy the kids or him want, etc. He listens to the guys at work always saying, "dude, you work your butt off, you deserve......" So then he takes it out on me when he can't get it. He doesn't understand that the guys at work aren't going to tell him the full side of what's going on in their lives or what their wives are really like.
They all come off as being the "man" and they do and say as they please. They also won't tell they're in debt up to their eyeballs, so he's got this image in his head that we are the only ones struggling with bills and life in general.
Any ideas on what I can do to help him not be so angry? I really appreciate all the advice and honest answers. You have no idea that this means to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your illness, but I have confidence that things will get better. :) As for you husband I think you've isolated the problem! Honestly, I think that if you stay sweet and loving and let him know how much you appreciate him and how much his hard work means to you that it will make all the difference. Might even want to throw in there that his support helps you to feel better and it makes you love him even more. I have the same mindset as your husband I think. When we can't fulfill our own expectations it's REALLY hard. His friends sound like a bunch of jerks he would get more respect if he let them know they were out of line. Would he allow them to talk about his mother like that? Probably not, so he shouldn't let them talk about his wife and the mother of his children like that either.

If you are a religious family he'd be able to find support and praise for being a good father and husband at church. You can never have enough positives in your life. Have you looked into any kind of family aid? I'd think your insurance or the government would offer some sort of support. If not they should. At any rate just show him extra support and appreciation and that should do the trick. A little extra TLC can go a long way. Nothing is better than a wife who supports you and stands by you even through the hard times. :)

Thankyou, you're adorable. I feel like I'm actually communicating with my husband. We have looked into help but because of the money he makes, they won't help us. They won't look at the medical expenses and see what really is left. As far as insurance goes, we lost it on saturday and no one else will cover me because of my medical.
It hurts to see the stress in his face, he doesn't hide it well. The hardest part is it's hard to know how he really feels about me because he just doesn't say. He's not much of a talker. He has made one friend he's talked to more than he's probably ever talked in his life. It kind of causes problems because he puts him in front of me, or at least that is how it comes out of his mouth. I try to explain to him that I am thrilled he has someone to talk to and that my problem is not with that person, it's how he treats me when it comes to him.
I have spent many lonely days in the hospital trying to find rides home so it doesn't interfere with his work schedule and try to find rides to my dr. appts. because it stresses him to feel obligated to me. I am no ones obligation. He can't make the choice because he feels pressured at work and is afraid of losing his job (which I understand) so I don't ask anymore. It may be my fault that he doesn't understand what's going on. Sometimes though I feel it's a choice not to be there so rather than having my feelings hurt by asking and having him act put out, I just don't ask any more.
A few years back I was sexually assaulted by a massage therapist. It took almost a year to go to court. I called and told him that the state had just called me today (which was a friday) and I had to be to court on monday. He showed no interest in being there to support me (I was 9 mos. pregnant and in labor when I went) and got irritated with me when I told him I wished he could have been there. He acts like I've taken so much time from his life or ask too much of him. I know in my heart it isn't directed at me, but I think he's so used to blaming me that he sees me as the issue. Does that make sense?
Even with my ongoing medical I have never asked him to leave work early or take the day off because I needed rides everywhere. I even held off on emergency surgery so I could fit it better to his schedule. I had my son four weeks prior and suddenly felt like I was kicked by a clydesdale. I gave in after several hours and went to the ER. They finally told me my gallbladder was full of stones and had to come out now. But there was no one to watch the kids while I stayed in the hospital so I told them to send me home and scheduled it for two weeks later so he only missed two days of work. I got chewed out by my doc at my follow up for carrying the baby and carseat and diaper bag, but what am I supposed to do.
It's hard to keep smiling sometimes and even harder when I hear him complain about life. He's not lost what is really important to him. I have lost about everything, including my dad, one of my sisters and my brother. If I can wake up and find meaning in the day I know he can.
I just have to keep up the smiles because when it comes down to it, I do have better coping skills than he does. If he knew how bad off I really was, he'd probably fall apart.
Anyway, I'm sorry to take up so much of your time but you have been a great help and really helped me understand how he's feeling even though he won't say it. I hope will write back and I hope everything goes well with your life. You sound like a great person. You make it easier for me to see what he's going through and even though not said he's probably more concerned than he lets on. Thanks so much.

Yikes, all I can say is that I am glad I am not in your situation. Even if I was, I wouldnt handle it the way you are. I mean really, what kind of support are you getting from this man/husband? Putting off emergency surgery? You have to walk around with smiles on your face not to set him off? How old is this man? Your going to regret staying with him. That you can bet on. You should be with someone that supports you as much as you support them. Good luck, you need it.

I'm 26 and he's 29. The main reason I have to put things off is because of his work schedule. No it's not right, but he's the only one bringing in any money right now and I'm the one running up medical bills.
He's actually a very good guy, but he doesn't get the support thing. He feels he's being more supportive by bringing home the paycheck. He feels that's emotional support. I've tried to explain what emotional support means to me and he's tried, he just doesn't get it. I don't know if it's a choice per se or if he's just typical. My friend's hubby is the same way. Maybe it's just we're backwards here....lol
He does rely a bit too much on my friends taking care of me. My doc joked that my g/f was my baby's surrogate father because she was always the one who took me. I guess what makes it easier is knowing that he really does love me and I have to take some of the blame for not being a little more forward about putting me first. He's always felt strongly about being a good provider and with the bills rolling in he feels more obligated about bringing home a paycheck. I understand his dilema, but I do wish he would see how much it hurts to be put last, but it's not worth the fight.
Another one I haven't quite figured out is that he'll go off on me about the house and what-not, and later he admitted to me that it was more that he knew how bad I was feeling and that he wasn't helping....go figure.
Part of me wonders if the reason he doesn't say anything or attend appts. is out of fear of knowing how bad it really is. I've heard from other people about how scared/concerned he is and when I ask him why he won't tell me either says he doesn't know or feels like he has to be the strong one and not admit it's scary.
I've told him it would mean a lot to me if he admitted this to me because when he doesn't acknowledge what's going on then I wonder if he cares. Still don't hear much.

I hear you so loud and clear it just isn't funny. My husand lost his job last yr. (2 days after our oldest turned 4) He was on unemployment and we had no money and no insurance. I was born with heart problems, which at a very young age under went 2 surgeries. I now have 2 leaking valves waiting for a 3rd surgery, so even if I get a high temp I have to go to the ER. one trip was about 900 dollars. We now have 2 law suits from hospital visits. He doesn't say anything except "I hope you feel better". I was working until he got a job this July that was working him 60 hrs + a wk in 12 hr shifts. Was either work and he don't get sleep and kids aren't taken care of right or stay home and do with out a few things. When he is mad he waits til he blows. He threw toys at me once in fromt of the kids and I called the cops. Has not happened again. Before that he busted 2 doors. He is getting better but his obesity and money are the biggest part of his problems. I do the same...work around his schedual as well as I can. I think you both need to find an out sider to talk to. The kids suck it in. I was verbally abused as a child and seen my mom be verbally attacked as well. My dad got help and I sent him to jail b4 that. I went into foster care. Now you would never know any of it ever even happened. Best of luck to you and your family. Try calling the state of Utah for help. Here theres free mental help.

The state already denied me and so did county mental because of income.
Is that when it started to change?--When you called the cops? What did the cops say to him or do? That's one thing that concerns me, is what will they do once they come. They would't take him away would they?
I can totally relate on the medical and no insurance....so wrong!!!! Are you doing better now? Also, why is he doing better?

When I called the cops, the officer came here and calmed things down. He thought he was going to jail. Here, as long as there hasn't been physical contact they can't do anything. She gave us an envelope with places to get help bassed on income. He is still depressed but has started to talk to me more. He and I both have little out bursts but nothing like before. Slowly we are getting better. He wasn't paying me much attention like huggung me or telling me I looked nice or anything. He was always belittling me in front of the kids. (calling names etc) That has went way down. I wait til he calms down and go in and talk to him about what happned. If you don't talk it happens again and again. I do not want my kids to be afraid of their parents.
His dad passed 6 yrs ago, a yr before we got married. I think thats a part of it. There is a boy we think might be his and he says dont wanna know right now. He was told he was then was told he wasn't. The girl used him bad then went to dads funeral and said yeah he's yours then they got a place and while he was at work she left him. So I think thats part . On top of that our oldest is not his blood wise. I was pregnant when we got together. (knew each other before that for a few yrs) Which we don't have the money for the adoption right now. She has never met her "father" He wants nothing to do with her. But every where hubby goes she HAS to go. lol
So I think with your hubby and you maybe theres unsloved things that are erking you. I don't know really cause I don't know you. But even me calling my mom helps a great deal. I talk she listens and doesn't butt in. Hope that helps.

Off the subject, about your daughter, what my mom did was made my biological dad pay for it instead of back child support. He jumped on it, he didn't want me anyway.
I've tried to explain to him that I feel loved when he says or does nice things or compliments me. He says he doesn't get it....so I told him that I don't understand why cleaning the house or cooking dinner makes him feel loved. I don't have to understand, I just have to know that it's what makes him feel good.
He really tries, and I know the first post makes him sound awful, but he really is a sweet guy, he just has problems with communicating, so he detonates instead.
I don't want my kids to grow up this way either. My 9 yr old is already having anger problems, but what can I say when he sees his dad do it? I try talking to him but he gets tongue tied and it pisses him off. He always tells me that things don't come out the way they are meant so I told him that if he says something he knows hurt my feelings and didn't mean it that way, say so.
He just seems to think that I'll think he's stupid. I'm not a dumb person and I wouldn't waste my time on someone who was. Growing up he had some learning problems and it was drilled into his head that he was dumb. My husband is anything but and I try to tell him that. He can fix just about anything and he's an awesome mechanic. But he feels that smart means book smart. Hell, I'm book smart but that doesn't mean I can fix anything!!! I wish he could see how smart he is and have more confidence. He also views intelligence in terms of money.
I am not a materialistic person, I could care less as long as my family was happy, but that's not him. He feels he isn't providing if there's not extra cash on hand and plenty of toys. I just wish he knew how much I love him and don't care about money. I've always told him worry more about how you made it than what you made. It would be very easy for him to bring in loads of money if he was a dishonest mechanic....thankfully he's not. I couldn't stand it if he was.
I refuse to be dishonest, it will bite you in the butt every time!!!
I don't have really anyone to talk to, my mom is always on his side and as far as everyone is concerned he's the golden boy and all probs are my fault. So it's easier to keep quiet. I appreciate your responses. Everyone has given me some good insight and hopefully some ways to bring it under control. Thanks again,
hope to hear from y'all soon.

For what its worth, I am also hypothyroid. The stress levels are increased with my husband acting the way your does, thus I feel worse. Depression is a part of being hypo, no matter what any doc says otherwise. Have you checked into taking mineral/vitamin supplements? Selenium is good for hypo. Actually a necessity. Have you read the book "the thryoid solution". Its great, even has a chapter on depression, plus mentions everything that effects me, and sounds like you, stress.

My husband is going through midlife crisis, or something. Maybe he is lost and trying to find what he wants. I can't stand the way he gets in my face and threatens me. But I have gotten stronger and REFUSE to accept his negativity. I am not taking his stuff anymore. I need to be strong for my health and my kids.

I think the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and ignore him for awhile. Take it one day at a time. You and I sound alike. I am not materialistic and he feels the need for "things". I think this goes back to his childhood. I would rather have a romantic night at home with no negativity and lots of passion then to spend lots of money going out and listening to him "pretend" his is someone else.

People change. And sometimes thats a good thing. Meaning you can change the way you perceive things. Thats what us hypos need to do. It only effects us, no one else. Whats more important?

I wish you luck on your journey.

Can someone tell me what you think of my situation? Am I over-reacting or am I seeing the situation for what it is?
I have been married for ten years and my husband has always had a problem expressing emotions. He stuffs it until he detonates. He used to scream and punch walls, then started flipping furniture. He never used to follow me from room to room to scream at me.
But since we have been married I have had chronic health problems. He is stressed right now because we just lost our insurance and can't afford christmas.
He used to detonate just a couple times a year. In the last year it has increased and so has the aggression. The last fight was over something totally stupid. He picked up our youngest and kept screeming. My son was crying and hitting him. He followed my into our room and cornered me in the closet, screaming and jabbing his finger about an inch from my face. When I tried to take our son he flipped my arms off with enough force to make my arms ache.
He's a foot taller than me and extremely strong. He would never intentionally hurt me or the kids, but his anger gets the best of him. I don't know if he "blacks out" or just can't see what he looks like when he does this, but it has gotten a lot worse in a really short period of time.
If he were to ever hit, I think it would be to him like "Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that." Not on purpose, but the outcomes the same.
Has anyone else ever been here? Did they cross that line? How do you help fix it? I called the domestic violence shelter in my area and they said they would only offer anger management classes if he already hit me!!! No one is interested in stopping it before it happens!! He's a good guy, he just needs to learn coping skills. In his house, his dad just did what he want and everyone just said that's how he is. So he's learned that's ok.

Any advice anyone can give I'd appreciate. The sooner the better.
:bouncing:
I have an idea of what you're going through. My ex and I fought night and day in front of our daughter over some really minute, assinine things. He was stressed with work, with bills, and being a young dad. He used me as his focal point to release those stresses. He went over that fine line a few times, and I stuck it out, for my daughter, and b/c I was just plain scared. I left him twice, and somehow always was convinced that it would be ok, it would be different, that he'd try to listen to what I had to say instead of jumping the gun and yelling. I finally figured out that there were a number of underlying issues that were stemming from his sudden outrage. 1-He had another girlfriend and was trying to take care of her while he was still with me and our daughter; 2-He had a hard time seeing her b/c he was working so much trying to make ends meet; 3-He resented me for having lived a "fuller" life than he prior to dating him; 4-He didn't have a chance to experience life b/c of our daughter; 5-He was a spoiled rotten, irresponsible, immature individual. Although I don't believe your husband is entirely like my ex was, we get along better now b/c I am gone. If you take a step back, walk away for a while, or write down what you feel when he yells at you...give him perspective. Video-record his episode, let him watch himself on T.V. one day. Or you can audio-record, let him listen to his yelling, let him hear for himself what he's yelling about. I did that, and it has taken me a long way. He watched my daughter's reaction to one of his tangents, he saw what he was doing to her, and realized that it was affecting her in such adverse ways...I didn't care much about what he said/did to me...I'm an adult, I can hold my own. Children are the most innocent creatures out there, and they do not deserve to see what the world really holds until they're old enough to understand. Then, sit and explain it to them.
I wish you all the best of luck.

i like others who replied are like your husband. when i get angry i don't have control of what i do like once i got pissed over a stupid little thing and i picked up a 10 pound weight beside my bed threw it across the room into my wall picked up a hockey stick and smashed it into my bike them launched it into the back of my closet and when i was done i didn't realize i had done that until i saw the hole in my wall,closet and saw the dent in my bike's frame so when it comes to stuff like what your husband has been doing i can see why it happens. what i would suggest to you is to make him release his anger in healthy doses at safe targets instead of all at once at you or your kids. maybe invest in a punching bag(79.99$ cdn with chain and gloves) at least this way if he has a shitty day he realeses the anger on the bag when he gets home from work instead of holding onto it and thinking about it then hurting you cause it's on his mind, and don't try and make him see a consiler if he is doesn't like counsilers i know when i was told by my teachers to see one i was pissed at them for i while so instead just try and talk with him or have people he's confortable with discuss what makes him angry so he gets it off of his chest instead of bottling it up and thinking about it until it makes him sick to his stomach and he snaps at everything and anything.

hope this helps.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted, was grounded for awhile then my health took a bit of a nose dive...but have to up date you all.
The situation has improved 100% since this last major blow up. It took him several weeks to "calm down" from it before he could see how destructive it was. I don't know if it's because this time he realized that I was truly scared and threatened to call the cops or what..but it seems like it made something click. He still gets angry but it's not flying my way now. There also seems to be a new found calmness.
He not stressing like he was over the bills, which at first panicked me...I wasn't sure if it was because he was so depressed he didn't care or he was having a nervous breakdown. After some talking he admitted that he couldn't explain it, but that in his heart he knew it would all work out.
This was just a couple weeks before Christmas, and we didn't know how we were going to do Christmas.. that's when I changed. I was so heart broken over my boys not getting christmas that I was in tears all the time...I couldn't even put up the Christmas tree. I felt like it was all my fault because I couldn't work due to my health and the cost of my meds and doc appts were costing so much. Then came a knock at the door. There was the bishop of my neighborhood with presents and food for my family!! Couldn't believe it...didn't know whether to laugh or cry...so I just sat there stunned.
Then the following saturday I picked up a lady who was kicked out the domestic violence shelter because her time was up. I got her put up in a hotel near my house for the weekend, but they had no food and I had no money. So they stayed the night and had breakfast at the hotel and then hubby went and picked her and the kids up to bring them here. We did lunch and dinner here and I found a bunch of my toddlers clothes that would fit her baby and even found some clothes for mom and the little girl!! When it was time to pack her up to go back to the hotel I couldn't find any easy foods that she could take with her...I found maybe 4 things, then another knock on the door....the Lutheran Church had heard about us and brought more food and presents!!
I had enough to fill a back pack with food that didn't need a stove to cook or be refrdgerated!! When they learned that we had an extra 3 people they came back on Christmas Eve with more food!! I had enough food and presents for her family, my family and food for 4 other families that were struggling too!!
It was a wonderful Christmas....it triggered a domino effect and the narcolepsy attacks eased engouh for four full days that I dejunked my house and got enough done that even when the attacks came back I was able to keep going a bit.
With the difference in my husband coming before christmas and mine coming with christmas it has made this year to come the best in many.
I hope he keeps feeling good, the stress on his face seems to be gone. He used to come home and you could just see the stress in his face, around his eyes and in the way he walked. No the only thing on his face are those cute little smile lines he used to have by his eyes!!
I also hope all of you dealing with or living with anger find some resolution as well. I know how it has affected my family and I can see the difference in my husband. I just pray that it stays this way. I've never seen him like this before.....maybe we've cleared the bad patch of road.
Love to hear how all of you are doing and thanks so much for all the replies.

Keep the faith.