Well everyone, i am 53 days pill-free today. I have a problem, and need some good advice. My husband and I are really NOT getting along anymore. There are days when i still have "no energy" and don't do much around the house, i have enough to do just chasing my 2 yr old around, never mind the 14, 13, and 12 year old. Well he says that he can't relax in a "swill-hole" and starts throwing stuff out and putting dishes away that werent even washed yet. Mummbling about laundry piling up etc....he will help, but in a way that i have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! He has also been saying some really hurtful things to me....like if i don't shut-up he will knock my "rotten teeth" out of my mouth. Or...I am a *****, slut, swill-bag, scrawny junkie, druggie....i could go on and on.
Well it seems like the "pills" were not the cause of turmoil in our relationship. I am at my wits end and really want a divorce because he is ENDANGERING MY SOBRIETY. Everytime he puts me down and makes me feel inadequate...i just want to run back to that wonderful numbness that the pills gave me. I haven't caved yet....key word "YET"...i just know that it is a matter of time, living under these type of conditions. I am wondering if this is what he wants, in some sort of sick way. I really, really was convinced that "I" was the problem in our relationship, but am seeing things much clearer these days. I was so pissed last night....i mean the guy lived in prison for 3 years of his life...i don't think that he is "above" watching t.v. in a messy living room. His answer to all of this is that he dispises me and wants a divorce. He also keeps throwing in my face that i can't even support myself or children...that is making me feel very uneasy, in itself. Don't get me wrong, i don't just sit there and suck it up....i retaliate with words and threats to leave. He flat out doesn't care.
I am insecure enough, being newly sober, but to have someone ridiculing me constantly is slowly killing my drive to exist. The other day we had such a big fight and he made me feel so insecure, i started contemlating suicide...i know that is not the answer. I can get thru anything if i got thru this pill issue. I am just not at 100% yet to deal with this crap. I am mentally still a basket-case and he is becoming my "new drug" i need to iliminate from my life. I am not even sure if i COULD work right now...and we had decided when i was pregnant that we would NOT put the baby in daycare, because i have worked in many and know the inside story on daycares.....
What the hell am i gonna do....i feel like telling him that he is endangering my sobriety. Even when i start to try to talk to him if i am having a craving or a bad day, he just gets infuriated and starts threatening me that I will not have a place to live if i relapse.....all of this actually makes me want to use MORE!! He is not the person i thought i was in love with. He gives me such anxiety that my heart starts pounding and i feel like i am going to black out. I shake and cry and get to the point of hysterical.
Pleasssseeeeee guys, help me out today. I just feel so lost....lost and hopeless.
LISA

Lisa,

Don't cave. You will need a clear head "IF" you decide that you and your kids would be healthier and safer without him. I know you have been contemplating this for a while, whether to move on or stick it out. It takes two though and he doesn't play fair and from what you have written it is not likely that he ever will.

He sounds like a very abusive man and I wouldn't even attempt to try to get into his head. He needs to deal with his own issues regarding the abuse he spews on his wife and family. But from what you have written now and in the past it doesn't sound likely that he is truly willing. It sounds like he lets up a bit and then is worse than before. From where I sit, he sounds dangerous. He doesn't need or deserve your protection. But I'm not worried about him or his feelings or how many times he was dropped on his head as a child. I am however worried about you and your beautiful kids.

There is a lot you can do so don't feel like there are no choices. Unfortunately the choices are hard and may make your life more difficult in the beginning but I am sure the outcome would help you to feel much stronger and self suffient and ultimately be better for your kids. In order to weigh all your options you will need to have all of your brain cells awake, otherwise you can't possibly make the best choices. It is going to come down to you making the decisions about your life. Not reacting to his moods and tip toeing around them. I am sure you don't just sit there and take it without making some good points. But I'm sure you know when it is time to keep your mouth shut.

You are a strong young woman. You can and will get through this too.....sober. I know you don't want to keep going through this.

How about calling a woman's center and at least talking to them? No, I can't imagine lugging your kids into a shelter. But that is not necessarily what would happen. But talking to them and maybe even getting some free couseling or finding out about government subsidisiing would be good to know. Perhaps with some careful planning you can make the transition of living without him (finacially) a bit more tolerable. His words do impact you and your kids not to mention the always present threat of physical abuse.

I know you have said that you feel like your family thinks of you as the "black sheep," but it also sounds to me as if they love and care for you. They came to your house for the holidays, you go shopping with them. It sounds like you all are fairly close. You may be surprised at how much they are willing to help.

But first you need to be really clear about what you want, and what you are willing to do to get there. Some counseling could be so helpful as I know you are aware. I can tell from your words that you have had some counseling at different times in the past. I don't see you as helpless. I understand you are in a tough spot and need some encouragement and support to make your next move or life change.

Lisa, I hope this is received by you with the love and care that was intended. I don't mean to point out the obvious. You sound like you are on the verge of making a decision. I know it's so easy to get sucked back in when looking at possible hard times ahead. But what is harder? Living like this or being temporarily in tough financial straights? You are an intelligent courageous woman.

I'm not suggesting making a hasty decision unless you are in physical danger.

I hope you make a phone call and get some one on one counseling. I'm not sure the board will be as helpful in this situation. Of course everyone cares about you. But you will only receive advice ....from a loving bunch of people but talking and receiving help on a personal level, one on one will be more helpful to you. I know you know this.

Please don't take any pills. Stay clean so you can truly move ahead.

Take care and keep us posted.

Love,
Patty

Lisa-
Im so sorry you are having such a rough time at home.This time of year is hard regardless..alot of emotions/and especially being newly sober.
YOU HAVE DONE SO WELL!!!And..you are a lovely person..so helpful to everyone on this board.
The pills made life more tolerable..in terms of dealing w/ your husbands verbal abuse..but long term brought you to a dark place.
Now you are free of the daily addiction and you are seeing things clearly..and its frightening.
I know suicide is NOT an option..you love life too much or you wouldn't care so deeply about your sobriety or relationships.
But..you can't live w/ abuse nor should you..you deserve the best!
Confront him and suggest counseling if you love him.If not..get free of him.
I mean..really do what- you need to do instinctively-you know if this relationship should be saved or not.
Couples argue/and say things that are mean sometimes..but if there is real love you get past it.
Patty made some great points..
Good luck darling..Hold on to your sobriety..you are a strong women!
Heather

Thank-you both of you....i am still hanging on. I feel like i have entered an even darker place than i have ever been in. I have called his cell and also e-mailed a letter to him explaining to him my feelings and fears. He is probably going to play on those emotions now....shouldn't have e-mailed him. I just don't want to go thru this NOW...not around Christmas and with me newly sober. I don't feel strong enough.....i am so weak now.....
Thank you so much for your very kind words, it means so much to me.
LISA

:( lisa-
hard to believe it has been 2 months! that is great! i am so sorry to hear of the hubby treating you like dirt. i can't remember, does he have any drug or alcohol issue or is just simply being a jerk?
for you, hold on tight! you are doing the right thing. last week i had kinda the same revelation regarding my sobriety in the grand scheme of things. it has to come first or i would have the good things in my life. my husband keeps "forgetting" that the rule in our house is no beer inside. i don't know why, but i have no problem being around others drinking, but if its available in my own fridge, i can't stand it. many a screaming fight has come out of this recently. bottom line, i dump them down the drain every time i find it in the fridge. for me, it seems like he is soooo disrepectful of what i am doing with my life. Of course, after a while he apologizes, but a week later does it again!! here's my conclusion, a) he's a complete idiot or b) doesn't care. not very appealing choices huh?
keep your chin up!
laney

Lisa,
I can't say anything that has not already been said, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Noone deserves that kind of treatment from their spouse, but especially someone who is only fifty days clean~ that makes the matter all the more delicate. I wish the two of you could receive some counseling~ many local churches offer free martial counseling...if he is not willing to do that...you may have to think of other options. (Patty spoke of some good ideas.) Again, I won't repeat what everyone else has said, just know how special you are and that you deserve the best life has to offer. Don't blow what you have worked so hard for...I am speaking from experience...it is not worth it. God loves you and so do so many others...take care of you and those precious children,

Michelle

Lisa, you and me have gone back since we joined this board at about the same time last Spring. I am not going to give you the be strong girl, get counciling, I will be praying for you line of B.S. Pack your bags, and your kids, swallow your pride and go move in with your parents. Call your mother and spill your guts about everything, the pills, your husband, the way he treats you, everything. You are their daughter. They WILL front you the money to get there, and they WILL put you up til you get on your feet. From your very first posts about the way your husband has treated you, I just had, and still have the feeling something really bad will happen to you from him. You are young enough to start over. WHY WOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEBODY THAT TREATS YOU LIKE A PIECE OF GARBAGE. Do whatever it takes to get out. I know some things I posted a couple months ago p***** you off and you really dont want my advice, but I am giving it to you anyway. Do you really think he gives a rats a** if you stay sober or not? From what I have read he has about as much respect for you as he does for a piece of trash. No husband who loves his wife would ever say the things you posted he said.

Lisa,
I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. I have some personal experience in this area. Verbal and mental abuse can be worse than physical abuse. They say so many rotten things , you start to wonder and your self esteem can be affected. You have fear of leaving because this is what you are familar with, it is your comfort zone. Even though it is not a good thing. There is a book someone recommended to me "Dance of Anger", it is very informative. Having a support system is vital. There are many 12 step groups, maybe you are already in one. You have gotten alot of good advice already. God loves you and you will never be alone, but you need to take action if you are in danger. Counseling is a good suggestion you have gotten. Battered Women offers safe houses if you feel threatened. I have to tell you, I left my situation and it was hard, but today I feel so grateful to be away from the abuse. Sobriety offers you freedom in itself. Keep up the great job! That is huge. I hope you can enjoy your holidays, give yourself a hug. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.

Robin

No offense, deerme, but I don't think praying for someone is "B.S." I don't appreciate you saying so~ whatever your faith is or is not..fine, but for those of us who believe in the power of prayer and take time out of our lives to pray for Lisa (not that she even asks for it) is a little insulting to say something like that. Don't want to go any further as this is Lisa's thread and Lisa is the one who needs our attention, but be a little more considerate of others..that's all.

Michelle

Hey Lisa,

Great about the sobriety, keep it up. Isn't your husband on probation? I think I remember you saying that he was. He can't afford to be acting the way he is. I agree with swallowing your pride and getting a hold of your parents. I have only seen things escalate for the worse in situations like yours. Believe me there is happiness out there. I really don't want to sound like I'm preaching but if you don't want to do it for you, think of the kids. Even if they don't see or hear the fighting they do feel it.

You deserve all the happiness in the world. I wish I lived closer to you because I would help you. Take care and let us know how you and things are going.

Paula

Take care of yourself and your kids. Piss on the guy. There are plenty out there, and once you tell him to get lost, he will be eating out of the palm of your hand!! And never ever forget, your kids and yourself is the most important thing. Don't just say it, but believe it!!

lisa, sweetie get out you have enough without dealing with his crap Look in to shelters or may be a friend. take care of your self and your babies. every ones given you a lot of advice so I'll keep this short.
Good luck \Prayers and thoughs
Goddess bless you
Stacey

Lisa,
I was just wondering how things were going and how you were doing? I have been thinking of you so please let me know how you are! Take care,

Michelle

HI Lisa___I don't know if you remember me, but I have been offline awhile. You have been clean almost--what--two months? You did it--by yourself---one of the most excruciatingly awful things you will ever deal with. You beat the addiction. You got quite upset last time I told you this but I will say it again anyways--pack up and go---is there really any going back after all he has done and said? You managed to quit through mental abuse and stress--not even considering the drugs is a heroic accomplishment. This would be the time to start life fresh. You must be an amazing woman.

How hard it must be for you to be going through all of this.
Trying to better yourself by getting clean, then having to deal with his crap, and the everyday stress of having to deal with the kids, housework, etc.
It sounds like he is abusing you, and you really should get out of this relationship asap, for you and your kids;
it cannot be good for them to deal with him either.
You are strong; you have gotten this far. Take my advice and other peoples advice, and get OUT of this relationship!!!

Hi all----i am still hanging in there. Yesterday things calmed down a bit...they always do when i get serious about leaving. Then he expected sex last night...i am feeling WAY TOO INSECURE TO ENJOY SEX RIGHT NOW....I should've just let him do it, cuz now this morning, he said we are wasting each other's time and i should just go with the person i am cheating on him with!!!
What the hell is he talking about????? When would i have time to have sex with someone other than him, does he really think i would have sex with someone else in front of his baby???? What does he think i am. Now i started the fight all over again, should've just tried to get myself in the mood. I don't know anymore....this really, really sucks to live this way. Now it is just an uncomfortable silence...the calm before the storm. I really don't want to go to his Christmas party on Sat. night. Everyone is going to be popping pills, and getting drunk...BAD situation for someone that is only 2 months straight. Not only that, i have no baby sitter for the 2 yr. old, and i don't feel like playing the game of the loving wife. Never mind being the only one that doesn't drink or pop pills. The first year we left early because we were the ONLY two that weren't drinking and partying. This year...there is too much going on inside of me to be around all of my "demons" in this state of mind. I am just taking it one day at a time....my parents would NOT let me and the 3 kids stay in their 2 million dollar home and that would mean that we would have to pick up and move to Florida, and my kids are very well established here, so i am not opting for that. My sister can't be bothered either. I really have no family to speak of and absolutely NO friends except for you guys. That is sad,,,huh? He doesn't really like me to have friends, he says that alll the friends i pick are druggies or drunks. WHATEVER!!! This is the LAST thing that i thought would happen when i got sober. He had me convinced that it was me being high that was destroying our relationship......all getting high did was make him a hell of alot more tolerable. Well i am still at a loss ...
Thannks so much for everyones support. I am very down in the dumps these days. I actually hate what i see when i look in the mirror, these days. I feel very worthless and hopeless...
LISA

Lisa, if what I am going to say, is out of line tell me. You have to get out of there. If you parents live in a 2 million dollar home, cant they afford to front you some money to move out, start over somewhere else? Tell them everything. You are their flesh and blood. No parent could be that cold and turn their back on their own daughter. You said your kids are well established where they are. Then they are well established in the situation between you and your husband. They have to see whats going on, and be picking up the animosity between you two. Nothing is ever going to get better, nothing will ever change, unless you get out of there. He isnt going to wake up one day and be a loving husband to you, that would have been there already. You have to take the big step, and do it. Otherwise your life will be hell. and it will be just a matter of time before you rationalize to start using again.

To John 3:16, I am sorry, that was a very bad choice of words on my part. I got caught up in my thoughts and wrote some very insensitive things. Actually I do pray for the people on this board, especially Lisa, whom has become a friend to me, even though I think she is none too pleased with some of the postings I have wrote. Its just that telling her to be strong, and I will pray for you and such, becomes redundant after awhile.

Deerme....i know that you are right, it is just hard admitting it to myself. And don't worry....i don't get offended very easily...look what i live thru on a daily basis. Well i counted my sobriety days and today is day 60!!! It has been two months since i touched a pain pill. Gosh i thought things would be so different. I know it is hard to understand about my parents...but the fact is, that is why they moved to Florida. They want their "own" life since my mother had me when she was 16. They always just tell me to work thru my problems with him and be thankful that he supports kids that aren't even his. They are HEARTLESS...that is probably why i started using drugs and alcohol at age 13. I just want someone that appreciates me, bad days and all. I swear he has two personalities sometimes. Yesterday he magically turned into this perfect husband, putting up christmas lights, fixing the toilet and taking me grocery shopping. I am still very, very leary....when will the mood change again??? Or is it me???? I have gone completely insane thoughout this past 60 days. But hey....I DID IT, I am living proof. We have a Christmas party on Sat. night and today i have to go out and find a stupid dress that will fit and look good. We HAVE to go, since he is the project manager of the company. It is going to be very uncomfortable to say the least. I dont and CAN't drink, i don't pop pills anymore.....we are gonna be the outcasts of the party...but i don't really care. That is probably why he is being so nice...that and Christmas. I know he loves my kids and doesn't want to leave them either. But something has to be done, i can't keep going thru the ups and downs....that is why i quit the pills! Well what will today bring???? I am so thankful to maintain my sobriety thru all of this crap....and thankful to have a friend like you, me and you go back at least a year now....i just have to keep pressing on forward.
Thanks again for helping me thru this.....
You are a wonderful friend, Deerme
LISA