Kid_J
12-22-2003, 01:57 PM
hey guys - I posted this on the OCD board as well, but I suffer from anxiety too, and I know that obsessive thinking and anxiety can go hand in hand, so... here goes.
I have purely obsessional OCD. My two biggest fears in life are death, and mental illness, or just losing my mind. The first time my OCD struck, it involved my obsession with potential health disasters. And I got past that. However, recently my OCD has been trying to convince me that my mind is unraveling. I can be sitting watching tv, or at work doin' my thing, and suddenly, I have this fear, like, "what if you get depressed... I mean really really depressed... what would that feel like, would you wanna die, etc... yada yada yada" or "if you keep worrying about this, you WILL go crazy..." or "what if I really AM out of touch with reality, what is real, etc, and hence going schizo!" Then it's like my OCD almost tries to mimic what it would be like to FEEL crazy or majorly depressed, or schizo or whatever, and I just get this barrage of odd thoughts, almost like the OCD is trying to prove to me that I am goin' off the deep end... Then, without fail, comes the derealization (brief, but brutal) and the questioning of everything I am currently feeling, and so the cycle begins. I can snap myself outta this fairly easily by just acceptin' it and lettin' it take it's course, but it's a pain in my butt.
I mean have any of you guys had your OCD or worry cycle try and convince you that you were depressed, or dying, or crazy, or whatever, and started to act accordingly, only to realize that you were doing it to yourself? In the beginning, I was mildly depressed, and frustrated with the OCD. But when I started to understand what it was, I moved past that, and felt 100% better. But there were times I would wake up in the morning, and just freak out cuz I was afraid of some major depressive state just overtaking me and making me end my life. But it's the same with the fears of harming loved ones. You would never do it, but your mind forces you to think about/freak out about doing it... It's the weirdest thing, this damn disorder. Also, due to some of the anxiety I have recently experienced, I've gotten kinda absent minded, forgetful, etc... when usually I am sharp as a tack, and almost perfectionist about things.
Just gotta keep tellin' myself, "its not me, it's the OCD/anxiety", and find my normal groove, and fall back into living life. And like I said, most of the time I can. I'm doing very well living with OCD and anxiety these days, and I'm having more good days than bad... however, I guess I am just wondering if anyone has had this experience, or shares this fear of mine. I guess I'm just lookin' for comfort with others who can relate. Thanks. I hate this feeling of fake fear, cuz I know it's not a real thing, yet it feels so necessary to ruminate on.
Thanks gang,
Jeff
I have purely obsessional OCD. My two biggest fears in life are death, and mental illness, or just losing my mind. The first time my OCD struck, it involved my obsession with potential health disasters. And I got past that. However, recently my OCD has been trying to convince me that my mind is unraveling. I can be sitting watching tv, or at work doin' my thing, and suddenly, I have this fear, like, "what if you get depressed... I mean really really depressed... what would that feel like, would you wanna die, etc... yada yada yada" or "if you keep worrying about this, you WILL go crazy..." or "what if I really AM out of touch with reality, what is real, etc, and hence going schizo!" Then it's like my OCD almost tries to mimic what it would be like to FEEL crazy or majorly depressed, or schizo or whatever, and I just get this barrage of odd thoughts, almost like the OCD is trying to prove to me that I am goin' off the deep end... Then, without fail, comes the derealization (brief, but brutal) and the questioning of everything I am currently feeling, and so the cycle begins. I can snap myself outta this fairly easily by just acceptin' it and lettin' it take it's course, but it's a pain in my butt.
I mean have any of you guys had your OCD or worry cycle try and convince you that you were depressed, or dying, or crazy, or whatever, and started to act accordingly, only to realize that you were doing it to yourself? In the beginning, I was mildly depressed, and frustrated with the OCD. But when I started to understand what it was, I moved past that, and felt 100% better. But there were times I would wake up in the morning, and just freak out cuz I was afraid of some major depressive state just overtaking me and making me end my life. But it's the same with the fears of harming loved ones. You would never do it, but your mind forces you to think about/freak out about doing it... It's the weirdest thing, this damn disorder. Also, due to some of the anxiety I have recently experienced, I've gotten kinda absent minded, forgetful, etc... when usually I am sharp as a tack, and almost perfectionist about things.
Just gotta keep tellin' myself, "its not me, it's the OCD/anxiety", and find my normal groove, and fall back into living life. And like I said, most of the time I can. I'm doing very well living with OCD and anxiety these days, and I'm having more good days than bad... however, I guess I am just wondering if anyone has had this experience, or shares this fear of mine. I guess I'm just lookin' for comfort with others who can relate. Thanks. I hate this feeling of fake fear, cuz I know it's not a real thing, yet it feels so necessary to ruminate on.
Thanks gang,
Jeff
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stolie
12-22-2003, 08:10 PM
Yes, I used to be just like you. Have you ever read Edgar Allan Poe's "Imp of the Perverse?" Or Guy de Maupassant's "The Horla?" These are great stories that get right at the kind of thinking you're talking about.
In fact, much of what Poe wrote maps very closely to OCD. His characters almost always are obsessed with something, and their chain of reasoning is so elaborate that it sucks you in even as you say to yourself, "this is sheer madness!" Both of these stories, as well as the full works of Poe, are available online. "Imp" is dense at first, but very short, and if you stay with it, you won't be disappointed. You just may recognize yourself.
"The Horla" is a bit longer and much more accessible. If you find the other one too much, start with this. It's written in diary form and is one man's description of his descent into madness.
In fact, much of what Poe wrote maps very closely to OCD. His characters almost always are obsessed with something, and their chain of reasoning is so elaborate that it sucks you in even as you say to yourself, "this is sheer madness!" Both of these stories, as well as the full works of Poe, are available online. "Imp" is dense at first, but very short, and if you stay with it, you won't be disappointed. You just may recognize yourself.
"The Horla" is a bit longer and much more accessible. If you find the other one too much, start with this. It's written in diary form and is one man's description of his descent into madness.
GettingWellAgain
12-28-2003, 01:47 AM
Sounds exactly like me. I can definitely relate. I'm struggling with all of this right now, and I DO actually have an inner ear disorder, which increased the OCD/anxiety. I wish you the best of luck.
sdunc
12-28-2003, 11:32 PM
OCD, in my opinion, is your mind's way of distracting you from other problems. When you give in to OCD, you strengthen the behavior. Think about it for a moment, if you are too distracted by being obsessed with this weeks problem, then you won't have time to think about anything else. There is a book called, "The mind-body prescription" (or something like that) by Joseph Sarno. It's about back pain, but it applies to so many disorders that doctors can't seem to figure out (i.e. chronic fatigue, fybromyalgia, back pain, etc.). It helped me, first w/back pain, but later with any other kind of obsession.