My mother was 80 years old in April. She has been in the Nursing Home close to me for four years. There is no history of AD in my family but mama was going to 5 or more doctors getting prescription medication and when my daughter called me she had gone to toxic levels with her medications and was hallucanating. Both my children are married and have yound families of their own and live 80 miles from me and I couldn't place the care of my mama in their hands and my younger sister didn't want the responsibility so we moved her to the nursing home here. She was also diagnosised with front lobe brain damage from abusing precription medication. They said she had developed dementia which is AD. She has been on anti depressant all her life as long as I can remember and would have an ailment to get medication to hide from life. It is so sad she has always depended on someone else to make decisions for her. My daddy was abusive towards her and she just stayed in it and never wanted more out of life. Two years ago the doctor told me that mama was progressing and there was nothing more they could do. She would go into bouts of depression like and would come out of it, but since last March I have seen a steady decline. I was able to take her to a family reunion of her brothers and sisters and other relatives last April but can no longer take her out of the Nursing home now. Two months ago she kept falling with out any bruises. She started staying up all night like sundowning. Three weeks ago she told me I didn't come and see her that she went to visit her sisterin law and brotherinlaw and they have been dead for years. she would tell the nurses that I hadn't been there. In the last recent weeks she has lost weight, has become very agitated, hollering someone help me, thinks it's Halloween and everyone is getting off to decorate. She hasn't slept hardly at all. The doctor and started her on Ativan and she was still so agitated that that she also had to be put on Zyprexa to help calm her agitated state. She still recognizes me but this past Monday she thought my son and I was there to carry her to church and she tried to get out of her Gerry Chair with a velcro buddy board to go with us and then she tried to pull her clothes off in the Day room. She no longer watches tv or wants to get her hair fixed She has bruised her arm trying to go over the rails in her bed and get out of the buddy board because she was so agitated. It breaks my heart to see her like this I cry everytime I see her and want to do something to bring her back to be the mama that loved the Lord and loved to go to church and see her Grandchildren and play with them. She is no longer there for that now and the doctor says she won't come back this time. It is so heartbreaking and there is nothing you can do to bring them back. Please visit your parents often and do things with them and live each day as it was there last. I can't bring mama back and it is tearing me apart I don't know what else to do. It is so hard to handle I didn't realize that AD progressed as fast as it did. She use to be a sweet little lady and enjoyed arts and crafts and her visits in my home and I even miss her arguing with my 8 year like siblings. They would even fuss over who was going to sit in the front see of the car. How do you cope How do you handle seeing your only surviving parent detoriate like this and what can you do?

Your story just breaks my heart. Sweetheart, I've been there. A lot of us have. It is so very hard to watch the one's that we love, loose their minds and slip away from us. Sometimes it is so very slowly that the hurt and the pain of the relationship and the collorateral damage that this causes, far foreshadows the diagnosis of the disease itself. Sometimes by then the relationship is all but severed because of the personal damage caused to the relationship by the actions of the AD sufferer. You have the forsight and the love needed to realise that your mom's actions is the result of a diseased mind, and not of HER making.

Just as we would all want to keep our children from pain, be it physical or mental; so do we also want to take the pain from our aging parents. And, I can't even imagine the hell that your dear mom has had to endure all of her life in order to get permanent brain damage in order to try and to escape a tortured life.

It must just break your dear heart in two, to watch this horror before your eyes and not to be able to help in any way, her suffering and her pain.

The only thing that any of us can do at a time like this is to pray. To try to find comfort in what ever religious beliefs that we hold dear. To be there to hold your mom's hand, whether she knows that you are there or not. Sometimes, to be there especially when she doesn't know you are there, or even if it is YOU.
You will know that you are there for her. You can be with her to hold her hand and to reassure her that you love her, and that she is cared for dearly and deeply.

Peace and Love be with you always,
And hugs to you and to your mom,
And tears for you both; but much
Joy and Happiness too,
For the love that you both still have for each other.

Gizmo

It is really hard to see all this happen the Zyprexa and Ativan has helped to calm her down but she is still in the past. They called me the other morning and she had gotten out of bed and was sitting in the floor laughing and talking to someone. They call if it could possibly be a fall, but there were no bruises or scrapes and just wanted to reassure me she was fine. I went and saw her later on and she thought it was Mother's Day the following Sunday and they were painting some of the rooms and she said they were getting rid of the stuff and I needed to see what I wanted. They were just painting the walls but I agreed with her and told her ok. They took her out of the Gerry chair and put her in a wheelchair and have put a soft wrap around her waist to keep her in the wheelchair. She was brusing her skin too much trying to fight her way out of the Gerry Chair. She seems more calm in the wheel chair. She has Frontolobe Dementia and all I can do is visit as often as I can and love her and just sit and listen. She still recognizes me but that's all. Please continue to pray for me and my Mother. Thanks and God Bless

Sorry your mother has Alzheimer's and is deteriorating so fast. It is my feeling that far
more important than medicine is the matter of making her feel loved and still important.
It is not how much you love but it is how much she feels loved. If you can do that for her
she will settle down and escape some of the agitation and terrible things that happens to
Alzheimer's victims. Validate her reality and do not to try to change it. Help her to live in
the past where she can still relate. Remind her of the good things of which she can be
proud. Have the nurses and aides do the same. All of you remember the 10 Absolutes.

The 10 Absolutes of Caregiving
for Alzheimer’s Patients
__________________________

Never ARGUE, instead, AGREE.
Never REASON, instead, DIVERT.
Never SHAME, instead, DISTRACT.
Never LECTURE, instead, REASSURE.
Never “REMEMBER,” instead, REMINISCE.
Never “I TOLD YOU,” instead, REPEAT.
Never “YOU CAN’T,” instead, “DO WHAT YOU CAN.”
Never COMMAND OR DEMAND, instead ASK OR MODEL.
Never CONDESCEND, instead, ENCOURAGE OR PRAISE.
Never FORCE, instead, REINFORCE

(Jo Huey, Greater New Odlenes Patient and Family Service)
Keep faith and God bless
Franklin

Thank you, Franklin. Those are 'rules' I think all of us with aging parents should take to heart. I am the caregiver for my mother, and her decline is occuring gradually....very mild as yet, but still very sad to see. The only thing we can do is take care of them as best we can. Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult 'jobs' any of us ever have to face. Remember to take care of yourself as well, sweetie... you and your Mother will be in my prays....

Thank You Franklin,

I found your words so inspiring. I hope that you don't mind, but I'd like to share your 10 rules with others on another Alzheimer's on-line board that I volenteer on.
Your thoughts and words are an inspiration to us all.

Take Care,
Gizmo

Originally posted by gizmolove:
Thank You Franklin,

I found your words so inspiring. I hope that you don't mind, but I'd like to share your 10 rules with others on another Alzheimer's on-line board that I volenteer on.
Your thoughts and words are an inspiration to us all.

Take Care,
Thankyou
Gizmo
Thank you Gizmo! The 10 Absolutes are not mine, but I am sure you may use them as you wish.
Keep faith and God boess. Franklin

Thank you Franklin for the 10 Absolutes I have copied them and have put them on the refrigerator to remind me daily. Our precious heavenly Father is the only reason I am still holding on. Sometimes as I know he gives us only what we can handle but I think my cup is running over. It is so hard to see her go down so fast and maybe the next time I see her she won't even know me. Thanks for listening and caring and being there. Nancy

Any time, Nancy....we have to be there for each other, because there are so many others who don't understand in our lives (like co-workers http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif ) We're here if you need us.....

Dear Nancy, your story broke my heart, I know exactly what you are going through. This past week I have been mourning my mom, who has dementia, its so painful and hard to see our moms suffer like this, spirituly, and their dignity gone.My story is even more complicated, My mom is not dead yet, physically, though I see now, for the sake of my children and my sanity, I must put her out of my mind, and believe she is not the mother who I remember, and loved.

In a nutshell, my sister and I are the only 2 children, she lives in florida. Mom has been in Mass. for 68 of her 71 yrs. of life. My sister hates me with a passion, I am 42, she's 51, her kids are grown, mine are 5 and 10. My mom has been a big part of their lives.I've suffered for years trying to figure out "WHY", but from what she just DID, I can only believe she hates me, has no concious, her mind is filled with greed and deceit.I have tried to stop this painful relationship, we don't speak at all, I must get on with my own life, just can't get past this sadness and disbelief of this horrid situation.

Mom was dg. with brain cancer in march 99. Because she previously had breast cancer, her Dr.s assumed it had spread, from the 2.2 ct "tumor " in her head, read only by a CT. Sis flew up to help Mom with the 20 doses of whole brain radiation, and some boosts to the tumor. This , along with the next 2 strokes, has caused my mom's dementia, she has brain radiation necrosis. Her brain is almost all white matter.In Oct. 99, we finally went to another hospital, an MRI was done, guess what?, she had had a stroke all along. She had this radiation for nothing! She was given 4- 6 months to live in 99.We were ecstatic that she would live, but we didn't see what effects later on, this brain radiation would cause. When my sister was here, she brought Mom to the family lawyer, made a will 50-50, and put moms condo in our 2 names for legal purposes.Now there is a medical malpractice suit, for giving mom brain radiation, it has been going on now for almost 3 yrs. I don't know what will be the outcome, i found the lawyer, but as of this time, I don't know anything.

Sis flew home. Mom has lived in a condo, 10 min. from me,. We would go visit and take her places and my kids would swim the pool. She went 95% blind with her very first incident in 99.In late Aug. of last year, mom had her disabling stroke, she could no longer live alone. The pain of watching her go through a 4 day brain event, hallucinations, being tied to restraints, being put in a chair in the hallway for the nurses to keep a constant eye, her dignity was gone.

Well, sis took her to florida, not once did she take her to a DR. for the next 6 months, she never even changed her insurance! She put her job on hold, to spoil my mother.She told me it was a once in a lifetime thing. She had no schedule, she was allowed to sit in a 24/7 positon on a couch, and was allowed to smoke all day and be waited on. Nights and daytime, there was no difference.No PT, her anus was halfway out when she did arrive at my home.

April of 2001, Mom had arrived in Mass to live with my family.I immediately had homecare, the next day, and services began. She had pt, ot, hha, nurse and a social worker. By then, my sister had already been starting her chaos. When I changed moms address, the hate e-mail began."How dare I take her power away? I am so angry at you, you stupid *** !". In Aug., she was given POA, by mom, mom was competent according to the DR.When mom gave us 2 bank CD's which she had been saving for all these years, my sister seethed, right in front of the lawyer, she said I did not deserve any money. Well, at that time, moms mind was still partly there.

Now, after a month of care, mom wants to leave my house. While we were on a planned family vacation, the telephone lines were burning. Then more hate- email arrived. One was stating that I have put my mom in a concentration camp nursing home environment, and that she didn't want any care, couldn't I see that? Also, she said that my 5 yr. old son had called my mom despicable and sawdust, he had just watched Daffy Duck, and those are the words from that cartoon! How anyone could be so twisted, I'll never know, even the nurses and homecare and neighbors and friends couldn't believe it. But her master plan was in the first stage.
She actually stated that I made mom feel so bad she wanted to go down the heat vent in my floor!

After a month more of pure hell, my sister was trying to control everything from afar, and the stress was unbeleivable. I lost 35 pounds, my children suffered, but Mom didn't, she had all her wants taken care of.

On june 6, she came to my house and took mom back to Florida. This is after we gave her 4 dates to choose from, of when my husband could drive mom to the airport. She actually e-mailed me for me to PUT mom on a plane, that she would meet her at the other end! She manipulated mom on the phone, at the time, mom knew it. She also canceled moms credit card that week, telling mom that I had plans to use it. I never once used any of my moms $$ for my own purposes, and the credit card was never touched, it sat in her wallet.

June 6 came, my 59 yr old neighbor walked mom out to the car, she was crying saying she was making the wrong desicion, and could she come back sometime? It broke my heart. But, I couldn't deal with my sister, I am afraid of her, she actually makes me shake.

After that, they went to moms condo to rifle through the basement for books to sell on E-bay. I prayed the whole month before, for this nonsense to stop. Well, i thought mom was going back the next day, come to find out, there was a major flood at the condo when they turned the main on, and it damaged everything, they had worked so hard all weekend to save the books drying out in the sun. Their backs hurt, my sis and her husband. Well, Mom would of already been in Florida if she didn't have greed and deceit on her mind.

Within the last few months, they have managed to brainwash my mom down in florida. They have told LIES to my mom, all of it can be proved.I had a hernia surgery a week ago, the night before, mom left her final message that she was disowning me, and goodbye forever.

I called the abuse hotline a month ago. i know what elder abuse can entail. It is not just the obvious physical signs. I sent all the proof, e-mails, taped phone messages, one from my sister swearing at me, it was horrible! This was after she accused me of using moms credit card, and I e-mailed her to stop lying, or maybe I should call my lawyer, that she could not accuse me of fraud. The last thing, that was the reason for moms message, was that her husband called the day before my surgery to argue with my husband, and accused us of canceling moms insurance, and told mom I left her without insurance. Of course it was another lie!

Even though the supervisor in Florida can see what my sister is doing and has done,he said he knew I didn't cancel any insuranse, he said mom is supposedly competent, his hands were tied, even though some cases rip him up. He said he has 300 cases a month on his desk, he has to rely on his workers investigation, and mom wants to be there, bottom line. My sister finally got her insurance on July 10, BTW. He felt so bad for me, but there was nothing he could do, he even told me people can live in filth if they want. But, he knows what my sister has done, it is now on record at least.

I knew this was sinful, painful, should I get a lawyer? What do I do, I keep saying to myself.My sister even alienated moms best friend of 65 yrs., she will no longer speak to my mom, because of the vial, destructive lies coming right from my mothers mouth, of course my sister coaching in the background.Also, when mom left she gave me the key to the condo. My kids were to swim over there this season, like they have their whole lives. Well, on Aug. 1, I went in to use the toilet, guess what? She changed the locks.

This situation is killing me. I'm going to florida by myself in 2 weeks, want to use a week timeshare left, my husband will watch the kids, as he is on a week vacation, and we had a family vacation in May. I called the supervisor at the abuse hotline, yes he will let me come in with a lawyer, and make copies for me.

Do I get advice and keep this going, or for the sake of my family, just wait until my mother is gone, then contest the new will I'm sure they just made? My sisters motive is the settlement from this supposed lawsuit, and hatred. Yes it kills me, but the loss of moms love is hard to deal with. Everyone says she is not of sound mind. They tell me to bury her. Well, why with all this proof, won't the abuse workers in Florida do anything about it? It boggles my mind.

I know my story is long and complicated. My only refuge is sleep, when I wake, I mourn my mom, and think of why and how any sibling could be so sinful. I bring my kids to church and we pray. I've always believed in God,wasn't a church goer, but I feel he is the only one who can help in this situation.The pain is unbelievable, and the injustice.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Dementia is very hard to deal with, mom can be lucid at times.I cannot call or attempt to see her at this point.

Nancy, it is so hard to see your mom slip away, I know, but at least I hope your family relationships are stable and loving, and that you have support. I would trade places with you. Be strong, as I'm trying to do. Dementia doesn't makes sense. My sister is exploiting her own mother!She is using her vulnerable times to brainwash her and isolate me and my children. At 51, she even told me on the phone that it bothered her to buy valentine candy for the kids this last February and send it to us from mom. She said she had to hide it in the closet, so her 2 25 and 27 yr old kids wouldn't see it, since mom never did anything for them. That is not true, mom always sent them presents to florida while they were growing up. What is going on? People try to comfort me saying that it is not my mom. MY mother would never do this, if she had her mind, we have openly talked for years about why my sister hates me, and it hurt her all these yrs., and look at what my own sister did!!

I needed to vent, also wanted to reply to Nancy, I only hope you get your inner strenghth to deal with dementia, because it doesn't get any better! Thank you all for letting me tell my story, I know I am very sad, and I just don't know what to do. Wendy

Starr, I can relate to how you are feeling. I am 49 and my sister is 45. My sister has always been my Mother's favorite and no matter what I did it was never enough. When I divorced my first husband and was raising two children on my own my Mother totally disowned me. So I took on two jobs and supported my kids and made it for seven years until I met a wonderful man and we have now been married for 15 years and we have a 8 year old we are raising. When I was younger at 16 I went to work and help pay for things including my car and Mom took that away and gave it to my sister when I got married. My sister never worked to help Mom and when her kids were born Mom rushed out to her side. When my sister needed money Mom always sent it to her. My Mom worked 25 years at a deparment store and when she retired she got her retirement in one lumb sum, guess what my sister got you might say all of it and never paid her back. I tried to get Mom to invest some of it or to take a trip and go see or Brothers or sisters but she never did. I found the cancelled checks and the wires where she sent the money to my sister when we moved her here. When my Grandmother passed away I went to the funeral and my sister was in full force trying to run the show. She had my aunt's and uncle's manipulated to the point they were on her side. Grandma had set aside money for each of her children and my sister was in there for the taking from Mama which Mama allowed her to do. For me to get anything from my Grandma's I had to pay my Mama for it and I did. My Mom lost several pairs of expensive jewelry and my sister blamed it on one of my relatives and actually it was my sister and she pawned it in Florida and yes she lives in florida also. My sister moved my Mom into an apartment complex run up my Mom's phone bills, credit cards, and would take things from Mama every time she was there. Mama would call me for money and I would help her pay her bills until this got too frequent and then I started asking for the bills to be sent to me. Mom was telling my relatives that I did it and I could afford to pay it and I was going to pay it. The only thing she would say about my sister was she felt sorry for her and she needed to help her. My older children went by to check on her and bought her groceries and would take her places. I would go over once a month with groceries and things she needed and kept in contact by phone all the time. She was always saying she hadn't heard from my sister and was worried about her and wished she would come and see her. Mama has always been a co-dependent and when she couldn't face something she would pop a pill and go to bed. My Dad passed away when I was sixteen and Mama couldn't even write a check let alone manage her own affairs. Here I was trying to teach her how to handle her affairs. Boy did I have to grow up fast. Back to my story. When Mama started mixing medications and they got to taxic levels she was going to five different Dr.'s and getting meds from them. My daughter called me and told me what was going on. I called my sister and she is headed down the same path Mom has taken and was doped up from pain pills and ask me what do you think I can do. Let your kids take care of her, put her in a nursing home( mom lived 80 miles from me) and let me know when you do and I will come up and we can divide her stuff up. I hung up the phone in tears and my husband asked what she said and I told him. My husband said don't worry about her we will take care of your Mother call your daughter back and ask her to keep her at her house for a week and give you time to get things set up and we will move her here and put her in a nursing home here. I did and called my daughter every day to check on Mom. I found a good Nursing Home here and carried the papers to her Dr. with her and and set 35 bottles of medications on the counter and told him if he didn't fill out these papers so I could take care of her I would carry it further. We went to Mam's lawyer and she was in agreement and gave me full POA finacial and Medical and she really liked the Nursing home we got her into. When my sister found out she called me up just a cussing and screaming and hollering I hung up on her 5 times and she kept calling back and the sixth time my husband answered the phone and said to her you are not going to talk to my wife like that and if you have a problem with what has been done then you can talk with our lawyer. He is a Deputy Sheriff and said he would excort her back across the state line if she came causing trouble. She never showed up. My relatives found out that it was my sister who had been lieing and I was the one who really had taken care of her and continued to take care of her. She really had them fooled. My Grandma use to say it will all come out wash day. Well that is certainly true. But even in all this Mama still wanted to hear from my sister. Two years after she had been here she sunk into deep depression and I finally wrote a letter to my sister telling her off and telling her if she didn't come It would be too late to let her know when she passed away. she came and Mama improved. My sister has only been twice in the four years Mama has been here. I stored all of Mama's stuff brought her to my house for weekends and holidays and carried her to church with me. I have visited her often and have been there the whold time. Loved her and taken care of her. My sister would even call Mama and ask her for the stuff I had in her room and I finally told Mama that my sister had taken enough from her and she wasn't getting anything else from her to tell her to stop calling and wanting something to just enjoy and love mama and to come and see her. The last time my sister came she tried to take her out of the nursing home overnight and I refused to let her. I carried all the gifts Mama had gotten for them for birthdays and christmas. My sister has a 3 and half year old grandchild Mama has never seen. I have sworn up and down I will not call or write my sister again. My daughter did call my sister daughter the other day to let her know how Mama was doing but she wasn't there and hasn't called her back. Mama is still my Mama and like you I will love her unconditionally. It is so sad to see her like she is know. She use to laugh and smile and even fuss like siblings with my 8 yo son even over the front seat of the car. the medication she is on has calmed her down and she is doing better she still recognizes me but is living in the past. She thinks my daughter is 4 or 5 now and is saving spoons for her to paly in the dirt. she is 30 and has two children. I go alone with her and it makes her happy. I don't know how much longer I will have her with me but I will make her days as happy as I can. I would continue to go to your lawyer and keep on persuing and do what you have to do. It will give you peace of mind and you will know that you have done all you can. Dementia will turn loved ones completely around and they will say and do hurtful things that will tear your heart out but she is still your Mother and atleast you will know you have tried. My Mother wouldn't have lived the year out if she had stayed with my sister and I know it is hard on me to raise a family work and be responsible for my Mother but the Good Lord only puts no more on us than we can handle but sometimes I want to say when will it be some one else's turn. I don't have all the answers for you but will listen if you need to talk Let me hear from you take care and God Bless.

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 04-04-2002).]

Nancy, thank you so much for your reply, I see how our situations are chaotic, alike in alot of ways, and yet so different. I know it is hard having mom in a nursing home, but it is for the best right now. Everyone feels mom should be in one too.( except my sis)Mom was always an independent, stubborn woman with dignity, and of course she is bitter about healthcare. She went through alot, 87 BC, 89 BC with 2 lymph involvement, radiation,98 BC back again, chemo. Then the dg. of brain cancer, then brain radiation on top of a stroke. No matter what, neither one of us expected our mom's life to end up like this.

I was overprotected as a child. Mom lost 2 babies in between my sister and I. She left our house when she was 17, and never came back. I, on the other hand, stayed in the area, living off and on with Mom. Mom says my sis was jealous of me, this I couldn't comprehend, after all, we've lived apart for 35 years. I know and felt like she doesn't even know me. We are complete opposites, I USED to be carefree, easy going, lots of friends. I am blonde, she is dark. I am thin, she has been battling a weight problem for years. I got A's and B's as I drifted through high school without trying, she struggled for every C and D. Idon't understand her hatred for me, nothing I did was ever the right thing in her eyes. She never has a nice thing to say about anyone, people she doesn't even know.I WAS a bubbly person. I plant flowers for neighbors, collect and give to charities, I try very hard to be the best at whatever I do. I had a great job for years, but i was traveling when the kids were little, and after alot of problems, like Mom illness, misdiagnosis, stress with long hours, 20 hrs per day, no sleep, then another 20 hrs, but only 8- 10 days a month. I had a back injury in 98, so the job was not good for my body.I developed GAD, anxiety. I resigned to stay home with the kids, last year.My sis has constantly reminded me of how different we are.

My sister is the one with poa, the oldest daughter of course. She actually believes that this means she can do everything she wants to, with no morality, of my moms wishes. My sister is the one who borrowed nanas money and laughed that she never paid it back. Also, she has always told me I was the favorite one.She has been the accuser, which everything is lies. I think it is horrible what your sister has done. All my sis does is think of $$ too. I believe that is why they are not selling Moms condo. It has been empty for over a year, with Moms belongings, electric still on! But it is so ironic because she has accused me of being the greedy one, turned it on me. I am the complete opposite. I give things away, and spend my $$ somewhat friviously, especially in the past before the kids. We have a house, worth about 325,000, had stable jobs for over 12 years!!?? I am very happy you have the support of your husband, mine is there for me too, sometimes!! You know men.He is not quite understanding, as to how much pain this situation is, and insists I have to move on.

You see, I wanted mom in a nursing home, where she could get constant care, PT, OT and stimulating environment, also activities. It would of been good for her mind. But for some reason, my mom still calls the shots, and is vegetating. They now, this time around, hired an CNA to sit with mom. At first, I didn't want mom in a nursing home, (1 yr. ago), but now i see that she has deteriorated to the point of disowning me and my children!

I think this is a horrible place for her mind to be. I cannot believe my sis did this to my mom. Mom even left on her message that she is throwing up every night now, because I am making her mentally ill! I had to make a report of elder abuse, because what she did was elder abuse. She knows that mom would never do this and would be so ashamed, but mom is dependent upon my sis. Sis looks at mom like a trophie.

I have to go to church right now, gotta run. My sister and I relationship was irreconcirable years ago. I suppose it is past that point with your sister also. All I can say is be strong, I haven't been, my kids are feeling the effects this situation has caused. Who can you trust if you can't even trust your family?

Hope today is a good one for you. I called an Dementia/Alzh support group yesterday, and hopefully I can get a bit of support in my spare time!! LOL, not much with kids, at least their back to school! Bye for now, Wendy

Nancy, do you have any brothers or other siblings?

Wendy, yes our lives are different yet the same in so many wqays. Keep praying and look to the Lord for quidance he is our strength and refuge. this is the only thing that has really gotten me through. My Mom had a child she lost six months into her pregnancy four years before I was born. I don't believe she ever got over this. Then she had me and then four years later my sister came alone. My Granmother babied my mother when she was growing up and there was a lot of resentment there with my aunt's and uncles' because of this. When Mama wanted something Granma made sure Mama got it even when she was an adult. My Daddy made a good living but drank and chased women and gambled with his money and Mama just stayed there and took it and said nothing. When I was born my Daddy was disappointed that I wasn't a boy and then when my sister was born he tried to make her into a boy and was the apple of their eye. I was accuesed of trying to be better than than my sister but wasn't just knew I could make a better life for my children that I was t have and have a better life than I was raised in. My sister also has ADHD which it is now determined. She learned to play sick, manipulate my parents to get her way and caused me all kind of problems when I was growing up. She kept telling my Mama lies and does it now to get her on her side. I finished school, got married, completed college, raised a son and daughter, divorced, and married 7 years later. My husband and I adopted my husband's grandson and we have raised him since he was born. I wpuld do it all over again if given the chance because I couldn't stand by and see that child not get love. I have three granchildren and see them as much as I can. My children are independent and loving and caring and their lives are going good. There was no way I was going to interrupt their young lives and have them take care of my Mom when it was my responsibility and my sister didn't care. My sister has two children grown and she was always jealous of her own daughter getting more attention than she got from her own husband. Both of her kids have ADHD and she would give them more medication just to get them out of the way. My sister never finished school never worked hardly and always wanted someone to give her something as if life was suppose to do this. My Mom was always saying your poor sister she doesn't do that and she needs this and you can afford to do this and send me money and help me out and she can't. We do have good jobs and material things have never bothered me as lone as my children came first had a roof over their heads food to eat clothes to wear and a place to sleep I was happy. My husband would get so mad at me when I would try to help my Mom and Mom never appreciated what I did and a lot of times left me crying or upset when I left her house or got through talking with her on the phone. I would tell him she is still my Mom and I still love her and I can't keep trying. I was always there when she was sick or in the hospital and came through when she needed me but it was my sister that was always on top. It didn't matter what I did or what I was going to do. It was what she wanted me to do. When Mama came over here and I put her in the Nursing Home she still wanted to live way above her means and expected me to provide it and send to my sister also. I wouldn't do this and regret all the arguments we had about this. My sister divorced her oldest won't have anything to do with her because she was so jealous of her and her youngest moved in with his dad after he lost his job and couldn't give his paycheck to my sister so she could spend it like she wanted to. My sister will call Mom and beg her for money and wants what she has in her room and wants to know what I did with Mom's stuff. The last time she was up here she told them at the Nursing hOme she was a RN and Director of a Nursing Home in Florida and they were going to do what she said about mama. My sister never finished high scholl let alone go to college. She told my Mom she could manipulate anyone and I told Mom she would only do what I allowed her to. My Mom has always been a hydrocodriact(?) and so is my sister. she now works for the Dr. that gives her pain medication imagine that. I have always been a loving and caring person and have tried to get alone with my sister she has tried every way she could for me not too. I don't understand what she thinks I have done and all Ive tried to do is just love and take care of my Mom like you have. My Mom can't stand my 8 yo and is jealous of him also. He loves her so much. she even told me I gues to just hurt me that he was blood kin to her and wasn't her Granson. I won't ever tell him this. She wanted to make a difference n my own Grandaughter which is her first Great Granchild and my son. I wouldn't let her and will never tell him this. She would get mad when I would do something with him and didn't take her. Now I can't take her with me. My son said the other day when I mentioned about going to the Zoo this year at Christmas to see the lights and he said but Mema won't get to go with us and will she get to spend Christmas Eve with us and open gifts the next Morning. I told him she wouldn't be able to and he ws so upset. He said Mama that's not fair she needs to be with us especially at Christmas. I am hoping he can deal with this better the closer we get. He is so tender hearted. It is so hard to deal with the Children as I know and trying to explain what is going on is nearly impossible. Two years ago I developed CTS from a repetitive Motion injury but instead of giving up I have continued to work because I had to. I have just recently found out that I have a dislocation in my neck at C-4to5 and C-5to6 with the disk hernaited n these areas also. I am on medication and tractin at home and I am still working the Dr. may do a myelogram in two weeks if I haven't improved and then do surgery will have to see the out come. I have already 42% damage in my upper extremities from CTS and this may have been going on when this happen. I key on a terminal for 8 hours as a shipping clerk they changed my job when I got injured and after surgery. Many many times I have wondered why my Mom and sister have done this and what I have done. What could I have changed and done differently and what I can do now to bring her back to me and not make my sister so jealous of me. I pray about it all the time and this is the only thing that has gotten me through all of this. You are not to blame for what your sister is doing to your Mom. Please keep trying to get something done and keep reporting things that aren't right. The Lord will deal with your sister in his own way but sometimes we want him to hurry up and we can't hurry him. He does it in his own way. Love your children and be honest with them and don't upset them but try to explain that this isn't your Mother its the disease that has taken over her brain. I have to deal with this all the time with my son and my Mom and it isn't easy. Life isn't but you have people that care and will listen. I am going to sign off for now am getting tired let me hear from you and take care and don't ever give up. God Bless