I think my 80 year old mother has either Alzheimer's or Dementia. I'm not sure which because she refuses to go to a doctor. I've tried tricking her telling her I was taking her shopping, but she's aware enough to know that the building the doctor's office is in is not a shopping mall so she won't get out of the car. Does anyone have any helpful hints on how I can get my mother into the doctor?

My mother calls my place of work hundreds of times a day within seconds apart. She doesn't remember making any of the phone calls. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired for getting too many personal phone calls. Does anyone know how I can get my mother to stop calling me at work? Also, when I have to leave work early for a doctor or dentist appointment, my mother will call and be told that I'm at the doctor. My mother will then call a thousand more times and not remember that she just called and that I'm at the doctor. She panics easily and then calls the fire dept. and the police dept. asking them to find me! What can I do to stop this?

The reason I think my mother has either Alz's or Dementia is because she repeats herself dozens and dozens of times within a matter of minutes. She also asks the same questions over and over and over within a matter of minutes. She is verbally abusive and argument. She doesn't trust anyone one, even me her own daughter! She only wants to eat candy bars and drink gin and refuses to eat healthy food. She has high blood pressure and refuses to take her medication, saying that the doctor is trying to poison her to get rid of an old lady to make room for younger patients! My mother can't remember anything and doesn't remember family members except for me. My mother thinks everyone is trying to steal her money and she often yells, "RIP OFF!" for no reason. My mother is under the false impression that a man is sneaking into the house and stealing her bills. My mother can't remember to pay her bills any more so I have been paying them. My mother also hears, sees and smells things that aren't there. Last weekend she saw eight men standing in front of the mail box when there was no one there! Sometimes my mother thinks it's WWII! My mother never seems to know what day or year it is even after I've told her a dozen times. My mother use to love to read, but now she can't concentrate long enough to read and prefers just looking at pictures in magazines. My mother is unable to count money or write a check. My mother follows me all over the house and even wants to follow me into the bathroom! Does anyone know how I can get her to stop this? Everything frightens and upsets my mother. For example, when she looks out the window and sees someone walking a dog, my mother panics and becomes unmanageable. What can I do about this? I have a cat and when I let the cat outside, if the cat doesn't come back into the house within a few minutes, my mother panics thinking the cat is lost. What can I do about this? On occasion, my mother wets her pants and the bed. She refuses to wear Depends or any of the adult diapers. My mother gets kooky ideas in her head, for example, that I was a man when I was in my 20's and worked for a nuclear plant and suffered from radiation that turned me into a woman! I'm a woman, always have been and never worked for a nuclear plant. My mother also performs strange rituals, for example, she writes odd things down. She will write every item of clothing I'm wearing down on a piece of paper. She will write down every time the cat eats. She doesn't want to throw these slips of paper away and they are piling up all over the kitchen counter. When she goes back to read them, she can't read her handwriting and asks me to read it for her. She wants me to read these slips of paper to her over and over and over. It's driving me nuts! How do I get her to stop this?

I'm an only child, never married, no children, no boyfriend, no friends, no living relatives in the area, so I'm not getting any help dealing with my mother. I work 12 hour days five days a week and don't have time to go to support groups. My mother refuses to believe she has something wrong with her and refuses to move into a retirement/nursing home. Currently she lives with me. She is home alone all day and I worry about her. I have no neighbors that can check on her. I hired someone to come in during the day and watch her, but my mother threw the woman out of the house and won't let her back in. I've contacted the Alzheimer's Association and they weren't much help all they were able to do is refer me to support groups and send me literature that did not address the issues that I'm facing. I've also contacted Social Services and they weren't much help either. They said that they would not help my mother unless my mother requested help. Well, my mother is never going to request help because she doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

My mother was driving until recently. The DMV revoked her driver's license and I took away her car keys. My mother got up in the middle of the night in her pajamas and drove around and got lost in a bad section of town! That's when I took her car keys away. My mother seems to be under the false impression that she'll be allowed to drive again any day now. She keeps asking me why she's not allow to drive, but when I tell her why, she doesn't understand so she keeps asking me over and over and over. She also asks me when she'll be allow to drive again and when I tell her license has been permanently revoked, she doesn't understand and keeps asking me over and over and over when she'll be allowed to drive again. This is driving me nuts! What can I do about it?

I'm just about at my wits end! Does anyone know what I can do about all of this? Does anyone know what stage of Alz's or Dementia my mother might be in? Does anyone know what I can expect next? How long does my mother have? A few years? Ten years? I'm sure she was slowly getting like this, but I didn't really notice anything until about two years ago.

Any advise will be greatly appreciated!

Hi Rene';

Wow!, I don't see how you are keeping it all together, and still staying in your right mind. My mother, I beleive is on the threshold of alzheimers, if not into it some. Call around the area you live in, there should be a group that can offer you some advise, as what to do, if your mother lives long enough she will have to have full time care from some one, or place. Start looking around now to build a plan of action for when the time comes to put it into effect.

Hey there, looks like your plate is full! I understand your frustrations, my dad has alz, and my mother and my son[he stays there for back-up to help when dad balks]have to watch him every minute that he is awake. We never know what his mind will do next,and with alz I doon't think anyone does, not even the alz patient!I think they believe they are still normal when trying to comunicate, my dad can be quite funny at times and then he is hatefull, but only to my mom and son's wife, He is ok with me but who knows if that will last. I am only living child too and my son helps me cause I am ill myself and a patient at M.D.Anderson Cancer Center, I do not know where or what would happen if I was without my son, he is a good son and is 25yr old and could be doing other things but he chose to help all on his own! Cool!I am proud of him...
The alz liviing centers around here have a day program that your mom could go to if you want to keep her at home or they also have what they call respite care. That is where they stay for a few days at a time so you can get some rest and do what you need to do that is hard to get done wheen you are baby-sitting 24/7
Check it out, that would help you alot, and would not have to pay for full-time care. That costs way too much.Hang tough and try to crawl into her state of mind or better yet join their world. My friend got her mom a doll and it helped entertain her, it worked cause of the age her moms mind was in. They played games too. Go figure? This alz is weird in what the mind can do.......The only thing saving my mom is that dad goes to bed at 7pm now every night annd she cann rest up for tomorrow.....You should have been at my house on Christmas! It was a wild one with my dad in full alz. gear and he had his mean streak going too. His answer to mom all day was no and he folllowed my son's wife around so he could be mean to her, my husband sat back and enjoyed the show, it was wild!Happy New Year to you and all on the alz board
gidget/sunshine

Dear Rene:
Your mother most likely has Alzheimer's type of dementia and will be getting worse. It is my feeling that you will need to learn all you can about the disease and your mother enough so that she can have some understanding as to what is happening to her. Do not try to trick her or argue into any thing but simply try to get her to understand something as to what is happening to her that she is unable to remember or do certain things. You might get her to want to go to the Neurologist to find out what is happening and the thorough testing would start her on getting to learn about the disease. The most important thing is to make her feel loved and still value.If you can develop a love/trust relationship that will help her to want to do the things you think she should you have won half the battle. Alzheimer's patients cannot be ordered around and you cannot change their reality. You must find ways to have them want to do the things you want them to do. Accept their reality as truth for them and simply distract them to other things they like and get on with loving and living.

Keep faith and God bless.
Franklin

[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 03-26-2002).]

Rene,
I know what you're going through. My grannie has been slowly deteriorating with Alzheimer's for 11 years. While reading your paragraph, it was like reliving Grannie's situation all again. That is exactly the way things started out for us with her. Finally, after finding her outside in 30 degree weather one night, we knew we could not leave her alone. The help we found was not consistent. We all worked, but we alternated taking care of her too. We did this for 4 years. Finally, we put her in an assisted living care facility to the tune of $2700 per month. Now, because she does not realize where she is using the bathroom (she'll go anywhere and at anytime), the Assisted Living Care Facility is forcing us to get her out. She has been there 2 years. My grannie is not bedridden, and we've tried the Depends too. She will just pull them off. Because she owns a 140-acre farm in Florida, she cannot qualify for any financial assistance, unless we are willing to give it up, which by the way, she worked at the lunch room to pay off two mortgages on. Thank goodness she had some savings, because that is how we have been paying for her ASL facility. Right now, we don't know what we are going to do either. None of us are wealthy, just regular middle class working people. Like I said, I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but this may just be starting for you. Keep your chin up, and don't think you can do this all on your own. You will lose everything you have---including your sanity. Good luck. Vicki

My mother also has alzheimer's. It has been difficult dealing with her alzheimer's & osteoporosis and my father's diabetes and heart condition. Up until three years ago they lived 150 miles from my home. I moved them closer to me (now just 20 miles from home) when mom broke her hip, back, wrist & collarbone within a 3 month time period. I moved her to a convalescent hospital and him to a senior apartment complex. Four months later the convalescent hospital said mom was better and that I had to move her immediately, alzheimer's wasn't a qualifier for state aid. I had to move both mom & dad to a board & care. Dad complained about it daily, he didn't want to be with mom anymore. He didn't have the strenth to deal with her. Within a year he moved themselves to an assisted living center in the town. He liked the food alot better and had freedom to come & go. Well he didn't take care of himself and the strain of taking care of her was too taxing on him. Last February she had to have hip replacement and I had her placed in a convalescent hospital after the surgery. Dad fell apart soon after. In late March he ended up with renal failure & an irregular heartbeat. The doctor recommended a pacemaker. After his surgery he was placed into the same convalescent hospital as mom. Six days later he died.

Three months after that the convalescent hospital said that mom was too healthy to be in there and that she had to move. Luckily there was a nice assisted living center across the street. From day one mom had problems. I knew that she was too far gone to be in assisted living alone but I couldn't afford anything else and my health isn't that great and knew I couldn't take care of her. Mom developed Sundowner's and would scream in the evening and hallucinate. Well after hitting two of the residents I was told she couldn't stay there any longer. You have got to realize that mom is the sweetest woman I know. She throws kisses to everyone she sees. Everyone loves her, so I knew there was something really wrong when she developed the personality that the home was stating about her. I was at my witt's end until the director placed her in the alzheimer's unit at their facility. Mom took to it immediately. She settled down and began to love it. Even though the place was only $1500 a month I knew I couldn't afford to keep her there. Thanks to the kind director of the facility, mom has been able to stay there. She was kind enough to lower the bill to $1200 a month. With mom receiving dad's social security & $200 out of my pocket I could afford it. The place is better than I could ever wish for. They keep the alzheimer's residents busy all day long. They have a wheelchair exercise program, singing in the afternoon, movies and sometimes they play bingo. Of course, the majority of the alzheimer's residents just sit in front of the tv and sleep but alot of them are still active. My mother is in the early second stage. She can still remember me, but can't remember that dad died or anything that happens to her one minute after it happens. I can leave the room and re-enter it and she will think I just arrived. I have had to resort to my visits only being half an hour long, sometimes only ten minutes because my visits change her daily routing and confuse her.

The most difficult part of dealing with the alzheimer's is seeing the mother that I have loved all my life become a vegetable in front of me.

Have you considered getting your grandmother's property put into your name with a "lifetime living estate"? I think that is the correct term. This allows someone else to physically own the property, yet allows the original owner to receive any income from the property and still could use the property to live on if that was an option. This way, you won't have to lose your property should it come down to selling it to afford to keep her in an environment that is safe and sound. I would recommend contacting an estate lawyer to find out the details if you haven't already looked into this option. Just a thought.

I would recommend that you contact your local Alzheimers Association chapter. They have lots of information and leads and are very helpful. I am sorry your mother refuses to go to the doctor. It sounds like you really need a neurological exam to determine her level of dementia. Best of Luck and Stay Strong.

------------------
Painted Skys

Being that I am a RN, that works in a geriactric facility and specializes in Alzhiemers/Dementia type illnesses, I would like to offer you some suggestions. You can not do anything to prevent these behaviours. They are part of the disease. You really need to have her in a facility where she can recieve proper care. It is dangerous at this point to leave her alone. We use a 7 stage process for describing where in the disease the patient is at. From what you describe your mother is between 5 and 6 out of 7. Have you looked into the possibility of having her put into a facility?

I understand some the frustration that you're feelig. For the last seven years, my mother has gone though the milestones that you're talking about. She would come to my house (then in OK) and talk about relatives stealing pictures of my dad from her that I had never seen, she'd talk about the same issues over and over evey few minutes, and she'd do other things that seemed a litle strange. Finally, in 1999 my husband and I moved to CA to be near her and I ended up filing for my first conservatorship based on my niece (her granddaughter by my deceased sister)taking financial advantage of her,lack of cleanliness, and what I generally saw as problematic behavior. My niece and my elderly aunt, who had a lot to gain by my not having control, convinced the attorney that I was just after my mother's home and that the allegations were false. I'm sorry to say that I dropped the petition. I returned to OK in 2000 to be close to my husband's and my grandkids.
In Oct 2001, I tried to contact my mother several times only to be told by my aunt that she couldn't come to the phone. We paid a surprise visit and discovered that my mother had been to the emergency room for a broken wrist caused in a fall,hadn't had a bath or shampoo in a month, and had been diagnosed with dementia (we talked to her family doctor, the relatives didn't tell me anything). In our three day visit (my fall break from teaching),I applied for a teaching position and was hired, we contacted social services to ensure that she would be safe until we could move ack out here a month later, and I contacted an attorney. By the first week of Dec. we hd temporary conservatorship and had filed unauthorized ATM use of my mother's bank account by my niece to over $1500. All told, in a one year period the girl went thrugh $10,000 and left my mother penniless.

Conservatorship has its inherent pifalls, but it may save you some problems in the future. I now have control of my mother's finances and medical decisions. The doctor hasn't mentioned anything about stages but I believe that we are not far away from the last stage. Her eating has decreased, she has lost the ability to walk or stand most days, ad she is talking about things from the 50's or before. A month ago she was firmly in the 60's.

Can anyone tell me how fast this can progress.

Hi Rene
I know exactly what you're going through. Your mother definitely has dementia/alzheimers. My mother is 83 and she has now been in a care centre for almost 2 years (thank goodness!) There's no way at this point that she could possibly live at home. I had the same problem as you as far as phone calls at work are concerned. Luckily she got to the point where she couldn't remember the number. So I wrote her a list of the numbers she could have - leaving off my work number. Now she calls my home phone number and leaves me a message. I check my messages from work several times and day and if I think I need to call her back I do. However, by that time she has forgotten she has called so there's really no point. It makes her feel better knowing that she can still phone - even thought she gets my voice mail. She also accuses people of stealing her things. I think this is pretty typical. She hides things and then says they're stolen - of course forgetting that she hid them. She lives pretty much in the past (ie everyone who died years ago is stil alive in her mind). This is sometimes difficult but I find that the best thing to do is just go along with it as much as you can. My father died 5 years ago and she all of a sudden started accusing hinm him of being with other women (which I know he never was)! This is not easy to go along with and I try to change the subject when it comes up. You should probably start think about putting her on a waiting list for a care center as it will get to a point where she can't be by herself. Sometimes it takes as much as a year. It's not an easy thing to do - but - it will drive you crazy if you don't. Remember to take care of yourself too! Good luck!

Hi Rene, I notice your post has been here for awhile, but if you still check into this message board, I am wondering how things are going for you?

[This message has been edited by becka (edited 05-27-2002).]