Well im almost 18 and Ive had a sort of eating disorder for about 3 years. It started with not eating any breakfast or lunch then having dinner but Id find myself thinking of food all through the day just wanting to go home because that was my "ok time to eat" Id eat loads, binge isn’t even the word for what I did. When I noticed that doing that wasn't helping me to get thinner I guessed Id have to do something a little more drastic.
I was almost 16 and weighing 162lb, the average weight for my height was 133lbs I convinced myself I would be happy when I reached that weight. I cut my eating down to a minimum, Id eat as little as possible like a few grapes a day and slowly the weight started coming off. Id still have days where I wanted to eat fattening foods so id eat them. But the weight was coming off too slowly. So I gave up went back to eating normally.
But one day I was having a really bad time so I came home and began to stuff my face! Just as I was about to swallow the mouthful I spat it out I noticed I couldn’t do it. All I could think was if I ate that id be fat again. So that’s when I learnt about C+S I thought it was the best idea ever, Id get to eat as much as I wanted and what I wanted without putting on the weight. I lost 28lbs in just over a month! I went from 162 to 133lbs but I wasn’t happy I decided I would be if I were 105lbs.
Anyway I managed to start eating don’t ask me how because I don’t know though every time I ate I had a hard time swallowing it I felt that I should be spitting it out.
Well I went back up to about 147lbs although now I want to be 112lbs ive sort of modelled myself of some guy I like I know he's 133 and ive always felt I should weigh less then the guy I was going with I know I have no chance with him he already has a girlfriend but this way its making me feel that at least I tried!
But when I go out at night I am one of two girls that go out with a group of about 10 guys, about a year ago one of those guys asked me out though I thought he was cute I turned him down. Only now I really wish I hadn’t im also doing this for him I want him to like me again. So it’s all started again it’s a lot harder this time. But im willing to stick with it until I reach 112 lbs.
Im sorry Im going on so much but I just needed to talk to someone that would hopefully understand where it is im coming from and where possible tell me how they overcame it. At the moment there's no chance I would ever go to someone I know and ask for help because I don’t want it. Its all just so confusing. :confused:

Thanks for listening
Laura xx
:wave:

laura
I dont think any guy is worth losing your health.it seems like you need some help with your ED but only you can be ready for that.as everyone says here the ED is only a symptom. you have to find the deep rooted cause to get better. I cant really offer much advice since im sick too but we can offer support here and always listen to you.
Take care
nikkitaxxx

Nikkita
Its not just for the guys, I feel like a have to be slim to be accepted. I had panic attacks a little while ago and I stopped going out with everyone I used to for just over a year, I could hardly leave the house! Ive only just started going out with them again. (i still get nervous but i deal) To tell you the truth I dont mean to sound big headed or anything but with every group of people I went out with it was "laura and those lot" now its changed and im one of "those lot" ... I used to hate it but now I miss it and I think that if i can just look good people will take notice of me again. Its not that im a shy person or anything but with the panic attacks and the forever weight changing ED its took alot out of me but i do still act the same i just feel hollow! Sometimes its like im iron and cant feel a thing. I have this picture in my head of what I will look like when im thinner (112lbs) and thats the person I want to be... you know the happy person!! NOT the 145lbs big girl thats always depressed! =(

Please, don't risk your health just for a guy! No guy is worth that! And remember, you are beautiful, no matter what any dumb guy says!

Punkiepixie
I understand about the whole image thing.Im a bit like that myself.I like to look a bit different to everyone else and have my own style but no matter how important that is to me i realise its just not making me happy.I wish i could just change my perspective and be like everyone else no matter what they look like!xxx

nikkita, yeah with me its all about image but for some reason i can look at other people all different shapes and sizes and just see perfection! knowing that if i was too look like them id be perfect too. its so unfair!

Can anybody tell me what C+S is? I'm kinda in the dark on that one... Thanks!

whiskerson kittens
It means chew and spit.

Yeah punky thats totally how I feel most of the time, I had a real bad day Friday where one minute I was suicidal then in the next moment I couldn't be happier all because of my weight (amoung with other things my ED brought along). I know that you say you dont want help and I know what its like to feel like that, but you started the way I did! Now im 24 and still have it!! 9 years of fighting an ED trust its not fun! I still haven't got proper help ive always had to look after myself in my family life so I guess I hope I can deal with this myself too. Truth is deep down I think I know that I cant so at some point ill have to get help I dont know when and I dont know how but I know ill have too! Sorry I know me telling you my life story isnt going to mean anything to you but maybe just stay open to the thought of one day no matter how far away but one day youll be ready to get the help you deserve...the help that WE ALL deserve! Just think about it!?!
Keep in touch
Mckenna
xxx

Mckenna,
Yeah my ED brought friends with it too, depression and self harm mostly! And yes i understand about the help thing and thats what i do feel like ... that some day its going to get to the point where i have to get help .... if i want it or not! I know having a ED isnt a game but these things wrong with me sometimes is all i feel that are keeping me alive! Like with self harm (it actually sounds mad calling it that ...self harm... makes it sound better then it is) before i do it i feel dead but after i just feel so ALIVE!! ....So if my ED SH and depression really are what keeps me alive why do i want to get rid of them??? It might sound weird but even though i dont like them their like people to me! SH ... ive done that for so long i wouldnt know any other way to deal with my anger!

well, just to let you know, it isn't a "QUICK FIX' to drop pounds and then everything will be better and you will be able to get that special guy and that special life! I am now 36, married and have a family and i STILL have a hard time coping with this deadly disease. BUT, i am on the road to recovery... i look back and so sad for the young girl i was and all the precious time i wasted worrying about how i looked and then i would feel like i "fit in" ... i wish i could go back and enjoy the time spent with friends and not feel so ugly and "weird" and make better choices (fell into the trap of abusive relationships).. oh girl, i have been there believe me. I just wanted to be "miss popular" and even though i was considered pretty, out-going etc, it was never enough for me.. i chose to listen to the voices in my head telling me i was worthless etc, etc. BUT, over the years that i suffered and lost, i have realized that there IS a lot to enjoy in life and when we are out camping and having fun, mother nature etc doesnt care how i look! My husband won't remember back to what i looked like or what i wore and neither will my children.. but they will remember me smiling and laughing.. and so will i.
You have to start healing girl... and the rest will just follow.. there IS a reason behind all of the self-destruction and as you grow into a woman, you WILL get to know the real you and WILL find peace...
write to me anytime.. lotsa smiles and xox

There isn't a "perfect" weight.. ever. Cause once you reach that weight you keep thinking lower and lower. It's a dangerous and unhealthy process... if you want to lose weight, why don't you try doing it the healthy way? I know people here can help you do that.

lovely lady
yeah i understand that ive done it once before ... i promise myself im going to be happy when i reach that weight but when it comes down to it im not .... but still am happier then when i was a few pounds heavier!! so i hope that when i reach it ill be totally happy!

Punkypixie
I really do understand what your going through and its easy to say things like "it wont happen to me" and truly believe it - but just believe this -- ED's are dangerous! And they can kill people ... are these friends of yours worth your life????? Im sorry to be so blunt but every time i speak to you on here or through emails you seem to be that little bit worse and im worried about you!!
PLEASE take care!!

Love Mckenna xxxx

Not to sound stupid, but what is C+S?

C+S is where you chew and spit!

Punkypixie,
i havent heard from you in a while are you ok??????
:confused:

mckenna xxx

Yeah Mckenna,
Im here ... just had a really harsh time lately, its so hard! I want to get better but if I eat I end up cutting myself again, and if I cut I eat so the only thing to do is not eat then I dont cut I know I sound so silly thats why i can only tell people on here! just going through a bad patch ... well lower then bad!!

Laura, seems to me your just swapping pain for pain! And yes that has to be "harsh!" Its hard when you have a ED and hit a bad patch as if having a ED isnt bad enought but a ED, self harm and a bad patch!! Im not sure how Id cope with that, so you have to remember your strong you can get passed this! PLEASE try talking to someone off this site about this, I know its hard but your friends and family love you all they will want to do is help you!! so PLEASE PLEASE THINK ABOUT IT!!

love mckenna xxxxx

Yeah that "pain for pain" thing... someone on this site told me that before in a different post! I knew it was true then I guess now I REALLY know! Its just so hard I just want to look good and be happy because "IM ME" for once ... also I know that if I stop this then Ill just end up cutting again ... and I seriously dont want to do that!

Yeah laura im not going to say it isnt hard because the road to recovery is VERY hard! And its going to take time but you can get help for both or ED and your self harm! Believe in yourself - learn to love yourself for who you are, you can do it! I believe in you even if you dont - YET!!!

mckenna xx

Mckenna hey youve really been there for me at the moment so thanks .... but it really isnt working ... now its got to the stage i wont leave the house untill am the goal weight i set for that day ...like im 142 lbs at the moment and i CANT step out of the house till im 140lbs then ill set another target till i reach 117!! I actually found a letter i wrote to my parents when i was 7 (11 years ago) it was the first time i tried to kill myself (silly i know) my mum though she kept it all this time!! Anyways i found it like a week ago and i havent cut since i know its only a week but i havent even done it when ive been upset .... and my depression has been getting really bad lately!!

i think everyone feels like that you wanna be the girl that all the girl wish they where, but it is a never ending circle everyone looks up to another, and in the end no one is ever happy, just remember your your own worst critic.