theendofmyrope
01-21-2004, 03:13 AM
Well, I thought I would go ahead and share my story with some of you here...though I don't really know what the point is.
Anyway...here goes. I had just graduated from college with the highest honors and had just started my first year at a very prestigious law school out on the West Coast. Everything was going great, my family couldn't have been prouder, I was the talk of the small town that I had come from, and I was ready to study my a$$ off to do well and become a successful lawyer. A few weeks into classes the workload started to pile up and of course it was physically impossible to get a good night's rest with how demanding law school is. This is when the symptoms began. First I had a bad pain in my legs, then itchiness, then burning, and finally I started getting redness and sores/cuts...it was HSV-2. I had only had sex TWICE in my entire life. Once when I was 16, and again once in college with a girl I was dating (I was wasted on my very last night of college, so it was sort of a farewell thing). Other than that I had absolutely no sexual contact whatsoever (not even oral sex). I confronted the girl I had slept with ast and she finally fessed up to having HSV-2 after some prying. She swore up and down she didn't have symptoms at the time and I even wore a condom like you are supposed to do (but unfortuneately the condom broke right in the middle of the sex).
Anyway, I figured I was a strong person and I could deal with this disease...but boy was I wrong. With all the demands of law school (and the part-time job I held as a waiter to help pay for my schooling along with a little modelling gig on the side)...I was just constantly under never-ending stress and just didn't physically have enough time to get a good nights rest. I kept getting break-outs every few weeks...even with taking vitamins, anti-virals, garlic, l-lysine...you name it, nothing worked. Soon enough, the break-outs took a toll on me emotionally and physically and I started to fall behind in my classwork. Everytime I sat down to read or do my research for my law classes, I found myself instead obsessing over my herpes...how to get rid of my symptoms, if maybe there will be a cure some day, what I would tell future partners, if I should tell a friend. This went on for a while until finally I was completely failing all my classes. I decided I needed help, so who better to ask for help from than your parents?? So I told my parents as I thought it was the "right" thing do, however, being as religious as they are...they told me it was my own fault for not waiting until marriage nor being responsible enough to check my partner's status. They basically believe God punished me for my sin. In short, I was on my own. This all happened about 10 months ago. After all this, I was badly depressed and instead of concentrating on my classes, I spent most of my time thinking of the best ways to kill myself...
Fast forward to now...I ended up failing out of law school, and all my hopes of being a successful lawyer have been crushed. I rarely speak to my parents because I am still very ashamed at myself, and I won't ask for help from them. I still have my job as a waiter at a restaurant and I'm just barely making enough to pay my bills since I refuse to ask my parents for help. I have attempted 2 relationships over the past year and both have ended as result of my herpes. The first girl just told me she couldn't risk it as much as she liked me, she didn't want to damage her life in case things didn't work out with us...perfectly understandable. The second girl really hurt, because I really thought she was "the one". After I told her and we started *trying* to have sex it was just completely awkward. We were both just so worried about me infecting her that it just wasn't enjoyable...it sort of kills the mood when you are about to get intimate and your partner asks if you are feeling any "prodromes". After a few times, she ended the relationship because we just couldn't get past it. Now I live my days badly depressed...I've tried a support group, but no one can convince me that "everything will be alright" nor that this isn't a big deal. I've all but given up on relationships...do you know how much energy it takes out of you when you put in so much time to form a relationship only to find that you are rejected because you have this cursed disease? I am constantly haunted by the what-ifs...what if I hadn't gotten drunk my last night of college? What if I had gotten so drunk that I passed out and didn't have sex?? What if the girl I was with had just warned me? What if the condom hadn't broke? What if I hadn't told my parents? Nowadays I refuse to wear a seat-belt when I drive my car in the small hope that I get in a head-on accident and just end my life...suddenly I'm not afraid to walk down those dark alley-ways late at night anymore sort of hoping someone would do something to me...and finally I've become much more aggressive in my behavior to where I literally pick fights with big guys hoping to get beat up (think "Fight Club").
Anyway, I don't mean to depress anyone here, but I thought I would share a few lessons I learned:
1) It is MUCH easier to get this disease than they tell you it is...it only took me one exposure from a broken condom.
2) Be careful before telling your parents, you might be better off telling a friend first.
3) YOU MUST tell any future partners before sleeping with them. I still wonder how different my life would be had the girl I caught this from given me a warning. Even if you get rejected, it is your RESPONSIBILITY and at least you know you didn't willfully ruin someone elses life.
For those of you who stayed with me this long...feel free to comment. I am completely desperate for suggestions/advice.
Anyway...here goes. I had just graduated from college with the highest honors and had just started my first year at a very prestigious law school out on the West Coast. Everything was going great, my family couldn't have been prouder, I was the talk of the small town that I had come from, and I was ready to study my a$$ off to do well and become a successful lawyer. A few weeks into classes the workload started to pile up and of course it was physically impossible to get a good night's rest with how demanding law school is. This is when the symptoms began. First I had a bad pain in my legs, then itchiness, then burning, and finally I started getting redness and sores/cuts...it was HSV-2. I had only had sex TWICE in my entire life. Once when I was 16, and again once in college with a girl I was dating (I was wasted on my very last night of college, so it was sort of a farewell thing). Other than that I had absolutely no sexual contact whatsoever (not even oral sex). I confronted the girl I had slept with ast and she finally fessed up to having HSV-2 after some prying. She swore up and down she didn't have symptoms at the time and I even wore a condom like you are supposed to do (but unfortuneately the condom broke right in the middle of the sex).
Anyway, I figured I was a strong person and I could deal with this disease...but boy was I wrong. With all the demands of law school (and the part-time job I held as a waiter to help pay for my schooling along with a little modelling gig on the side)...I was just constantly under never-ending stress and just didn't physically have enough time to get a good nights rest. I kept getting break-outs every few weeks...even with taking vitamins, anti-virals, garlic, l-lysine...you name it, nothing worked. Soon enough, the break-outs took a toll on me emotionally and physically and I started to fall behind in my classwork. Everytime I sat down to read or do my research for my law classes, I found myself instead obsessing over my herpes...how to get rid of my symptoms, if maybe there will be a cure some day, what I would tell future partners, if I should tell a friend. This went on for a while until finally I was completely failing all my classes. I decided I needed help, so who better to ask for help from than your parents?? So I told my parents as I thought it was the "right" thing do, however, being as religious as they are...they told me it was my own fault for not waiting until marriage nor being responsible enough to check my partner's status. They basically believe God punished me for my sin. In short, I was on my own. This all happened about 10 months ago. After all this, I was badly depressed and instead of concentrating on my classes, I spent most of my time thinking of the best ways to kill myself...
Fast forward to now...I ended up failing out of law school, and all my hopes of being a successful lawyer have been crushed. I rarely speak to my parents because I am still very ashamed at myself, and I won't ask for help from them. I still have my job as a waiter at a restaurant and I'm just barely making enough to pay my bills since I refuse to ask my parents for help. I have attempted 2 relationships over the past year and both have ended as result of my herpes. The first girl just told me she couldn't risk it as much as she liked me, she didn't want to damage her life in case things didn't work out with us...perfectly understandable. The second girl really hurt, because I really thought she was "the one". After I told her and we started *trying* to have sex it was just completely awkward. We were both just so worried about me infecting her that it just wasn't enjoyable...it sort of kills the mood when you are about to get intimate and your partner asks if you are feeling any "prodromes". After a few times, she ended the relationship because we just couldn't get past it. Now I live my days badly depressed...I've tried a support group, but no one can convince me that "everything will be alright" nor that this isn't a big deal. I've all but given up on relationships...do you know how much energy it takes out of you when you put in so much time to form a relationship only to find that you are rejected because you have this cursed disease? I am constantly haunted by the what-ifs...what if I hadn't gotten drunk my last night of college? What if I had gotten so drunk that I passed out and didn't have sex?? What if the girl I was with had just warned me? What if the condom hadn't broke? What if I hadn't told my parents? Nowadays I refuse to wear a seat-belt when I drive my car in the small hope that I get in a head-on accident and just end my life...suddenly I'm not afraid to walk down those dark alley-ways late at night anymore sort of hoping someone would do something to me...and finally I've become much more aggressive in my behavior to where I literally pick fights with big guys hoping to get beat up (think "Fight Club").
Anyway, I don't mean to depress anyone here, but I thought I would share a few lessons I learned:
1) It is MUCH easier to get this disease than they tell you it is...it only took me one exposure from a broken condom.
2) Be careful before telling your parents, you might be better off telling a friend first.
3) YOU MUST tell any future partners before sleeping with them. I still wonder how different my life would be had the girl I caught this from given me a warning. Even if you get rejected, it is your RESPONSIBILITY and at least you know you didn't willfully ruin someone elses life.
For those of you who stayed with me this long...feel free to comment. I am completely desperate for suggestions/advice.
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bummedinsocal
01-21-2004, 03:57 AM
I totally feel you man. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm pretty sure I got it in October from a chick. She denies ever having any symptoms and neither of our doctors will test without a visual outbreak. I'm probably going to do the online test thing. I found out the hard way that when someone is tested for STD's (as she was) they don't test for herpes unless there is an outbreak. How stupid!! I thought she was safe, but now I probably have herpes and we broke up a few months ago. I feel so alone, and like you am very discouraged at the prospect of future relationships. I haven't had sex many times either, and now I think I'm tainted for life. I just hope that one day I will find that "special one" that will love me anyway, or find another girl with herpes. I know 25% have it, but unfortuanately most don't know it. So I think it will be hard to find a girl that knows she has it. Anyway, I don't know what to say to help you, as I feel the same way. Just remember, life won't always be this bad for you. Things always get better......
theendofmyrope
01-21-2004, 04:41 AM
Hey man, I hope to God it is some freak thing for you and not Herpes. Sometimes I wish I had cancer instead, at least that is a little more "respectable". What kills me most is that the girl I was with KNEW she had Herpes but didn't have the decency to warn me. I know it is my fault for sleeping with her in the first place, but what kind of person would do that? As for finding that someone "special"...its hard enough to find your "soul mate" in the first place, much less finding her with Herpes already :-(. Good luck with your test.
backpacker
01-21-2004, 07:39 AM
What a sad story. I'm so sorry. But you know what? You can live and be happy with herpes. I've had it 14 years; others here have had it longer. Using it as an excuse to improve your health--eating, sleeping, stress control--will give you a much better life than living in regret and bitterness.
Relationships can work. Most of us here have relationships and they tend to be of better quality than those in the general population.
Try reading "Happy Couples" for a lot of stories about couples living with herpes. Believe me, there are many people who, unlike your two girlfriends, are willing to risk getting herpes for a great relationship. My soulmate is like that--me having h never seemed to bother him--and so far he has not gotten it. We have our system down, and don't think about it much otherwise. But you probably want to learn to be a happier individual before working on a relationship. Sometimes it helps just to put that out of your mind for a while, to concentrate on you.
There are many things you can try to have fewer ob's and to protect a sexual partner. Start doing research on this board and try some of the suggestions.
To me it sounds like you have convinced yourself that all you are now is the herpes virus, and that nothing else in your life matters. This is so far from true! If you start doing some things you used to love to do, or learn to do something you have always wanted to do, you will start to get your life back. And once you stop having h on your mind all the time, it won't seem as important.
Perhaps the high-stress lifestyle won't work for you now; but maybe it wouldn't have worked for other reasons, anyway.
My family (not me) is religious, too; but they don't say that God punishes people like a spiteful child would. They say he warns people of possible problems, and ignoring his warnings exposes you to the dangers. It seems silly to think that a God would punish you in particular, when others live a completely profligate lifestyle and never get any of these diseases.
Oh, and condoms don't always protect you from this virus--read around on this board and you'll see that many times over. I know it's hard to give up the "if onlies," but they can never help you move into a better future; they keep you stuck in the past, where nothing can ever improve.
Good luck. I hope you find your peace.
Relationships can work. Most of us here have relationships and they tend to be of better quality than those in the general population.
Try reading "Happy Couples" for a lot of stories about couples living with herpes. Believe me, there are many people who, unlike your two girlfriends, are willing to risk getting herpes for a great relationship. My soulmate is like that--me having h never seemed to bother him--and so far he has not gotten it. We have our system down, and don't think about it much otherwise. But you probably want to learn to be a happier individual before working on a relationship. Sometimes it helps just to put that out of your mind for a while, to concentrate on you.
There are many things you can try to have fewer ob's and to protect a sexual partner. Start doing research on this board and try some of the suggestions.
To me it sounds like you have convinced yourself that all you are now is the herpes virus, and that nothing else in your life matters. This is so far from true! If you start doing some things you used to love to do, or learn to do something you have always wanted to do, you will start to get your life back. And once you stop having h on your mind all the time, it won't seem as important.
Perhaps the high-stress lifestyle won't work for you now; but maybe it wouldn't have worked for other reasons, anyway.
My family (not me) is religious, too; but they don't say that God punishes people like a spiteful child would. They say he warns people of possible problems, and ignoring his warnings exposes you to the dangers. It seems silly to think that a God would punish you in particular, when others live a completely profligate lifestyle and never get any of these diseases.
Oh, and condoms don't always protect you from this virus--read around on this board and you'll see that many times over. I know it's hard to give up the "if onlies," but they can never help you move into a better future; they keep you stuck in the past, where nothing can ever improve.
Good luck. I hope you find your peace.
guesswhosback
01-21-2004, 11:22 AM
Yes....this is a long and depressing story.....but I will start by saying this...hang in there things will get better. I am not a therapist or such but when I was reading your story...I kind of got the impression you were using the herpes as an excuse as to why things went wrong. Do you think that perhaps if you had not been diagnosed with herpes you would have still had the same outcome. I guess I am thinking you are obsessing a bit on the herpes when there are other factors contributing to why things are the way that they are.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago with genital herpes. I contracted it from a long term boyfriend that knew he had it and didn't say a word. Even after we had a conversation about STDs when we hooked up. I expressed to him I had always been careful not to expose myself to anything and after questioning him about any STDs he denied having any. A 1 1/2 years later he infected me. So I know how you feel when you say how could someone. But sweetie IT IS NOT the end of the world. I can not stress to you how better off I am than I probably would have been. I became very concerned with my overall health..and stress level. I have been rejected for having herpes and yes it is extremely painful but it is not the end of the world.
I could never understand why my ex-boyfriend had knowingly put me at risk and not said anything. Until someone rejected me for it....that rejection allowed me to somewhat forgive the person that infected me. Basically the only thing that stands between you (the infected person) and the uninfected person is a decision to tell or not. When you meet someone and they are interested in you and then they find out and run away. The only difference in the two of you is you gave them a choice you didn't have. Alot of people that frown on herpes don't realize that. When I was with my partner that rejected me....had I not told him...he would have walked in my shoes and then he would have felt very differently about the whole thing....all that to say...you are no less...no more tainted.....no less desirable or any of that than the next person because of your diagnosis.
Learn to accept what has happened....embrace it cause it ain't going away and figure out a way to manage it and deal with it. Out of 2 years...I have had one bad outbreak and it was the primary...after that I have had one mild one since then that lasted about 3 or 4 days.....I use to obsess on having herpes but now I accept it and I control it instead of allowing it to control me. Good luck to you.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago with genital herpes. I contracted it from a long term boyfriend that knew he had it and didn't say a word. Even after we had a conversation about STDs when we hooked up. I expressed to him I had always been careful not to expose myself to anything and after questioning him about any STDs he denied having any. A 1 1/2 years later he infected me. So I know how you feel when you say how could someone. But sweetie IT IS NOT the end of the world. I can not stress to you how better off I am than I probably would have been. I became very concerned with my overall health..and stress level. I have been rejected for having herpes and yes it is extremely painful but it is not the end of the world.
I could never understand why my ex-boyfriend had knowingly put me at risk and not said anything. Until someone rejected me for it....that rejection allowed me to somewhat forgive the person that infected me. Basically the only thing that stands between you (the infected person) and the uninfected person is a decision to tell or not. When you meet someone and they are interested in you and then they find out and run away. The only difference in the two of you is you gave them a choice you didn't have. Alot of people that frown on herpes don't realize that. When I was with my partner that rejected me....had I not told him...he would have walked in my shoes and then he would have felt very differently about the whole thing....all that to say...you are no less...no more tainted.....no less desirable or any of that than the next person because of your diagnosis.
Learn to accept what has happened....embrace it cause it ain't going away and figure out a way to manage it and deal with it. Out of 2 years...I have had one bad outbreak and it was the primary...after that I have had one mild one since then that lasted about 3 or 4 days.....I use to obsess on having herpes but now I accept it and I control it instead of allowing it to control me. Good luck to you.
JAYB
01-21-2004, 12:06 PM
That was long and depressing.
Have you thought about anti depressants or therapy?
Even if it's just for a short time to get your life back on track. I've never had herpes or any STD for that matter, but I seem to remember hearing about dating services for people with these conditions. Two people that have it can obviously understand it, and at least you won't be giving it to anyone.
Some people are just so rotten to the core, and when it comes to sex they'll do anything to get it -- even lie and tell you they don't have a disease.
Best of luck to you, and I hope 2004 will bring you some peace. :wave:
btw, do people ever sue the person that gave them herpes? I know it can't kill you, but just the mental pain and suffering involved.
Have you thought about anti depressants or therapy?
Even if it's just for a short time to get your life back on track. I've never had herpes or any STD for that matter, but I seem to remember hearing about dating services for people with these conditions. Two people that have it can obviously understand it, and at least you won't be giving it to anyone.
Some people are just so rotten to the core, and when it comes to sex they'll do anything to get it -- even lie and tell you they don't have a disease.
Best of luck to you, and I hope 2004 will bring you some peace. :wave:
btw, do people ever sue the person that gave them herpes? I know it can't kill you, but just the mental pain and suffering involved.
malibubarbie33
01-21-2004, 02:56 PM
HEY, I am really sorry about all of that, the same exact thing happened to me, I got really drunk and had sex with this guy woho didn't tell me he had this, so yea it sucks, but s*** happens and you just have to get over it, there are millions of people out there that have this, including me, and i wont let it ruin my life, like thats stupid. WHo cares and there is someone outhtere for you i promise, i know a lot of beautiful girls that have herpes. Like its okay, I promise. I am still the same person i only have had one breakout though, maybe thats why but even when i do get them and whenever i found out like i didn't let it get to me. I guess i am just a very laidback person but yea....(you siad you did some modeling? what kind, becasue i do some) Well good luck....Barbie ;)
ebswest
01-22-2004, 05:45 PM
I contracted genital herpes 6 years ago from a girl who I had been having a long-term relationship with. She never told me that she had the disease and never admitted to giving it to me. The relationship ended, but, the herpes shows it's ugly self from time-to-time. The first couple of breakouts were the worst. Now, I get smaller infections that are short in duration and virtually pain-free. I have been married (different woman) for 2 1/2 years and my wife has not yet been infected. We are very careful and use condoms if there is any sign of infection. I hate that I have this infection and I will always have it, however, it's not the end of the world and I have learned to accept that I have it and I have moved on. EAW
movingrightalong
01-22-2004, 06:10 PM
Hey EBSwest,
If you ever have some time and you havent already, maybe you could post your story on the thread entitled "Happy Couples". It's just really nice to hear about people who have dealt with this and are dealing with in their relationship or marriage. It's inspiring, especially to those people who are new to this and feel like they have to give up all hope of future relationships, marriage, children etc.
The Happy Couples thread is a little ways back, maybe even on the previous page.
If you ever have some time and you havent already, maybe you could post your story on the thread entitled "Happy Couples". It's just really nice to hear about people who have dealt with this and are dealing with in their relationship or marriage. It's inspiring, especially to those people who are new to this and feel like they have to give up all hope of future relationships, marriage, children etc.
The Happy Couples thread is a little ways back, maybe even on the previous page.
backpacker
01-22-2004, 08:17 PM
I just bumped it up for someone else. Wonder if the moderators would ever agree to make it a sticky, since it's so helpful to so many people?
l'trimm
01-23-2004, 01:45 PM
Hi there, I feel so bad for you and I just want to tell you that herpes isn't something you should let control you...Never let anything control you, especially this disease. I pray and hope that you will find a way to get passed these feelings of despair. Listen I have herpes and vulvar vestibulitis syndrome, meaning I can't have sex at all for the rest of my life. Just imagine telling THAT to your dating interest! :P Both conditions I have are hard to find anyone to talk with about..but if I can be happy living with vestibulitis than you can most defintely be happy with herpes! I am in a loving supportive marriage with a man who is happy with me. You just have to find the silver lining to whatever God throws at you. Consider yourself lucky if you can still have sex ---there will ALWAYS be someone willing to be in a relationship with you! If you simply can't find any silver lining in having H, then I suggest seeking therapy because there are so many things to be thankful for. Therapy will help you find that true meaning in life and it's so much more than herpes.
theendofmyrope
01-24-2004, 04:56 AM
Learn to accept what has happened....embrace it cause it ain't going away and figure out a way to manage it and deal with it.
I just dont think some of you get it.
Do you know how much it hurts going from being an only child and your parents' pride and joy...to having your parents completely dissappointed and ashamed of you?? Ever since I told them I had Herpes out of desperation 8 months ago and seeing how ashamed of me they were...I hardly speak to them anymore. I don't go home for holidays and the only time I talk to them is when I call every once in a while just so they know I'm still alive.
Do you know how hard it is to pour your heart and soul out into a relationship for months getting to know someone...and just when you are starting to fall in love, you get rejected simply because you have this godforsaken disease?? This has happened to me TWICE now and it really really hurts--much worse than any outbreak I've ever had :-(.
Do you know what its like to go out to a club or bar with your friends and then have them jokingly say you are "gay" because you could take any girl home you wanted and don't because you are afraid of giving someone else this damn disease?? Its not easy to shrug it off and pretend to laugh even though deep down you know the real reason why you can't...so I basically stopped going out with them. Now I basically stay home on weekends and sometimes let out a good cry (yeah, I admit I'm a guy and I cry) so that I can be all ready for the upcoming week where I go to work and put on the charade that I am happy and everything is peachy--when deep down I am sad, lonely, and depressed.
Someone suggested I do things that make me happy...you know what used to make me happy? Watching TV--especially reality dating shows and movies...but now everytime I flip on the TV all I see are people falling in love, having sex, and getting romantic...and it makes me want to put my fist through the screen. It only reminds me of how sad and lonely I am.
Oh, and then theres the fact that *supposedly* 25% of the population has this damn disease. I guess that since I have been rejected TWICE now by HSV negative women...I should try to fall in love two more times, because the odds are that I will finally pick one that has HSV like me.
I'm very happy for all of you who have been able to have partners and not spread Herpes to them, but I am a testament as to how easy this f***ing disease spreads. I had sex for all of 2 minutes when the condom broke, and in the 15 seconds it took me to pull out I managed to catch this disease (I didn't even put another condom on, we just stopped completely). What makes things even worse, is that I don't get prodromes anymore, my outbreaks just come randomly. Even luckier for me, they only appear on my thighs where the condom doesn't cover. So you know what my doctor suggested I do? He suggested that on top of wearing a condom, if I wanted "extra protection" for my partner that I wear a wet-suit (at least the pants part) and cut a hole in it like I am some kind of leper. Can you f***ing believe that??
But the worst thing are the thoughts I have sometimes. In the back of my mind, I secretly hope that my parents would hurry up and grow old and die so that I can kill myself and not have anyone miss me. Yes, I know its sick, but it is honestly how I feel. I don't need anti-depressants or a therapist to try to delude me into thinking everything is ok when it isn't. Someone said homelessness or poverty are worse than this--well at least I could actually DO SOMETHING to fix those problems. This damn disease is life-long no matter what I do. As much as I wish things would get better, they haven't for 2 years now. You know those 90% of the people with Herpes that supposedly don't know they have it?? Well, I envy them. I would give ANYTHING to go back to the days when all I cared about was making my parents proud, finding my soul-mate, and bringing happiness to those around me.
So thanks for those of you who wish me well, and for those of you that have already managed to find a partner...be glad.
I just dont think some of you get it.
Do you know how much it hurts going from being an only child and your parents' pride and joy...to having your parents completely dissappointed and ashamed of you?? Ever since I told them I had Herpes out of desperation 8 months ago and seeing how ashamed of me they were...I hardly speak to them anymore. I don't go home for holidays and the only time I talk to them is when I call every once in a while just so they know I'm still alive.
Do you know how hard it is to pour your heart and soul out into a relationship for months getting to know someone...and just when you are starting to fall in love, you get rejected simply because you have this godforsaken disease?? This has happened to me TWICE now and it really really hurts--much worse than any outbreak I've ever had :-(.
Do you know what its like to go out to a club or bar with your friends and then have them jokingly say you are "gay" because you could take any girl home you wanted and don't because you are afraid of giving someone else this damn disease?? Its not easy to shrug it off and pretend to laugh even though deep down you know the real reason why you can't...so I basically stopped going out with them. Now I basically stay home on weekends and sometimes let out a good cry (yeah, I admit I'm a guy and I cry) so that I can be all ready for the upcoming week where I go to work and put on the charade that I am happy and everything is peachy--when deep down I am sad, lonely, and depressed.
Someone suggested I do things that make me happy...you know what used to make me happy? Watching TV--especially reality dating shows and movies...but now everytime I flip on the TV all I see are people falling in love, having sex, and getting romantic...and it makes me want to put my fist through the screen. It only reminds me of how sad and lonely I am.
Oh, and then theres the fact that *supposedly* 25% of the population has this damn disease. I guess that since I have been rejected TWICE now by HSV negative women...I should try to fall in love two more times, because the odds are that I will finally pick one that has HSV like me.
I'm very happy for all of you who have been able to have partners and not spread Herpes to them, but I am a testament as to how easy this f***ing disease spreads. I had sex for all of 2 minutes when the condom broke, and in the 15 seconds it took me to pull out I managed to catch this disease (I didn't even put another condom on, we just stopped completely). What makes things even worse, is that I don't get prodromes anymore, my outbreaks just come randomly. Even luckier for me, they only appear on my thighs where the condom doesn't cover. So you know what my doctor suggested I do? He suggested that on top of wearing a condom, if I wanted "extra protection" for my partner that I wear a wet-suit (at least the pants part) and cut a hole in it like I am some kind of leper. Can you f***ing believe that??
But the worst thing are the thoughts I have sometimes. In the back of my mind, I secretly hope that my parents would hurry up and grow old and die so that I can kill myself and not have anyone miss me. Yes, I know its sick, but it is honestly how I feel. I don't need anti-depressants or a therapist to try to delude me into thinking everything is ok when it isn't. Someone said homelessness or poverty are worse than this--well at least I could actually DO SOMETHING to fix those problems. This damn disease is life-long no matter what I do. As much as I wish things would get better, they haven't for 2 years now. You know those 90% of the people with Herpes that supposedly don't know they have it?? Well, I envy them. I would give ANYTHING to go back to the days when all I cared about was making my parents proud, finding my soul-mate, and bringing happiness to those around me.
So thanks for those of you who wish me well, and for those of you that have already managed to find a partner...be glad.
l'trimm
01-24-2004, 10:01 AM
I totally understand how you feel about watching TV. Our society is saturated with sexual images and it's like everywhere you turn, you can't get away from it....it's in our music, movies, ads, media, etc..not to mention our friends and family talk and brag about it...even if you tell them about HSV they'll still brag in your face about how care-free their sex lives are....What I do to deal with my anger is go to the gym that way I'm away from all that and I can focus on feeling better, which anyone can tell you after having worked out you feel on top of the world. (so I'm at the gym almost everyday, LOL) :)...and sometimes you just plain and simply need to cry...and that's perfectly OK. Hey, remember that show "Temptation Island"? Well this kind of good news, sorta, well they always ran STD tests on the contestants because the producers knew there was going to be a lot of activity on the show...and results came back every time that nearly every one who auditioned for the show had HSV. The producers of the show were looking for people who didn't have anything and had a difficult time finding them!.... I'm not surprised....
What I'm hearing/reading is that what you want more than anything is to find your soul-mate. That's your dream. And right now that dream seems like it's never going to be fulfilled. So what I'm hearing is you want a true relationship not a one-night stand...(Rule number 1: don't go to a club or bar). In order for a relationship to last (if you want to find your soul-mate), you're gonna need to be much more stronger than that. I'm talking about character. Because the right girl is not going to want someone who's weak.
I’ll tell you from experience that being in a marriage, or any long-term relationship for that matter, takes major dedication. If you ask couples who've been married 10/20/50 years, they'll tell you herpes is the least of their problems. You are going to face hardships that you can’t even imagine. To keep a relationship strong you’re gonna need to fight all the adversity that comes along. Are you willing to do that? If you cannot weather this out, then honey you can kiss love good-bye.
Your soul mate or potential love interest will see that you have the will to overcome your adversity. If you go out hoping that you will find someone to be with (at this point just anyone to accept you), you are setting yourself up for failure, in my opinion. If success to you means finding a healthy relationship, then you need to be fierce enough to handle life.
In that same amount of time (you said 2 minutes), people are infected by HIV. Please be thankful that's not the case with you. Also please be aware too there are many people who caught an STD and didn't even have sex. As for telling your parents I wouldn't know how that feels because my parents are deceased; however, you mentioned you wish they would hurry up and die...well until you actually experience that happening, you have no idea what that's like. The loss of a parent is like no other pain in the world. I think you'd be absolutely devastated if they did pass away because you sound like you love them. And you want them to die so no one would miss you? Well, that statement tells me your parents obviously care, love you and would be hurt if you left, and you're fully aware of their love. (It contradicts what you said earlier about them shunning you).
Can I ask, I hope you don't mind, but how old are you? I just hope you find the true answers you need. There's so much more to life. Be strong.
What I'm hearing/reading is that what you want more than anything is to find your soul-mate. That's your dream. And right now that dream seems like it's never going to be fulfilled. So what I'm hearing is you want a true relationship not a one-night stand...(Rule number 1: don't go to a club or bar). In order for a relationship to last (if you want to find your soul-mate), you're gonna need to be much more stronger than that. I'm talking about character. Because the right girl is not going to want someone who's weak.
I’ll tell you from experience that being in a marriage, or any long-term relationship for that matter, takes major dedication. If you ask couples who've been married 10/20/50 years, they'll tell you herpes is the least of their problems. You are going to face hardships that you can’t even imagine. To keep a relationship strong you’re gonna need to fight all the adversity that comes along. Are you willing to do that? If you cannot weather this out, then honey you can kiss love good-bye.
Your soul mate or potential love interest will see that you have the will to overcome your adversity. If you go out hoping that you will find someone to be with (at this point just anyone to accept you), you are setting yourself up for failure, in my opinion. If success to you means finding a healthy relationship, then you need to be fierce enough to handle life.
In that same amount of time (you said 2 minutes), people are infected by HIV. Please be thankful that's not the case with you. Also please be aware too there are many people who caught an STD and didn't even have sex. As for telling your parents I wouldn't know how that feels because my parents are deceased; however, you mentioned you wish they would hurry up and die...well until you actually experience that happening, you have no idea what that's like. The loss of a parent is like no other pain in the world. I think you'd be absolutely devastated if they did pass away because you sound like you love them. And you want them to die so no one would miss you? Well, that statement tells me your parents obviously care, love you and would be hurt if you left, and you're fully aware of their love. (It contradicts what you said earlier about them shunning you).
Can I ask, I hope you don't mind, but how old are you? I just hope you find the true answers you need. There's so much more to life. Be strong.
JAYB
01-24-2004, 04:17 PM
Do you know how hard it is to pour your heart and soul out into a relationship for months getting to know someone...and just when you are starting to fall in love, you get rejected simply because you have this godforsaken disease?? This has happened to me TWICE now and it really really hurts--much worse than any outbreak I've ever had :-(.
At least you're decent and tell them you have it unlike some people. Do what I suggested in my earlier post. Join a dating club for people with herpes. They won't judge you and you won't judge them, and neither one of you will have to fear getting something you already have.
At least you're decent and tell them you have it unlike some people. Do what I suggested in my earlier post. Join a dating club for people with herpes. They won't judge you and you won't judge them, and neither one of you will have to fear getting something you already have.
movingrightalong
01-24-2004, 04:58 PM
I'm curious about your parents. Is it their choice to not see you anymore? Or yours because you feel ashamed? You're not dirty, you didn't do anything wrong, you just got REALLY UNLUCKY. Yes, you have to take responsibility for it... i'm sure the girl didn't make you have sex with her... but you did what you could to protect yourself and you STILL got it. It's a tricky little devil and all of us here have it, some people not even from sex.
It sounds like your parents care about you and you care about them and that your Herpes has become the elephant in the room that noone wants to talk about. They are clearly uneducated on the subject, could you sit them down and tell them the facts about it? How easy it is to get? How common it is? The only way for Herpes to be less of a stigma is to start with yourself. You say that you're not a leper, but you sure are acting like one.
We see sex and love and relationships and more sex on TV and you say you want to put your fist through the screen, but don't you realize that lots and lots and LOTS of those people have it too? Whether they know it or not, they do.
First things first, get your OBs under control I promise that as soon as you start to feel like you have some control over this thing and as soon as you start to have some OB-free stretches of time you will start to feel "normal" again.
Why would you let this thing destroy your life? It will take as much control as you let it have.
It sounds like your parents care about you and you care about them and that your Herpes has become the elephant in the room that noone wants to talk about. They are clearly uneducated on the subject, could you sit them down and tell them the facts about it? How easy it is to get? How common it is? The only way for Herpes to be less of a stigma is to start with yourself. You say that you're not a leper, but you sure are acting like one.
We see sex and love and relationships and more sex on TV and you say you want to put your fist through the screen, but don't you realize that lots and lots and LOTS of those people have it too? Whether they know it or not, they do.
First things first, get your OBs under control I promise that as soon as you start to feel like you have some control over this thing and as soon as you start to have some OB-free stretches of time you will start to feel "normal" again.
Why would you let this thing destroy your life? It will take as much control as you let it have.
May75
01-25-2004, 10:57 PM
I've been going through the same emotions as you. All my friends around me are getting married or in a serious relationship. I feel like I'm on my own because in the latino community, you dont hear of this. I log onto the dating herpes websites and try to see how many latinos are out there like me, and there are hardly any. My parents keep on wondering why I dont bring any guys home anymore that they can meet. What can I say? Going out to bars and clubs isnt fun anymore. I used to love the thrill of the chase but now, I don't. I also go to work in a charade and pretend everything is ok. IM trying to find that silver lining. Its going to be a hard road, but reading the happy testaments, I'm hoping there is someone out there for me. I havent lost hope. Not yet at least . There is hope out there somewhere. Well thats what I tell myself. Its what's keeping me going
guesswhosback
01-26-2004, 11:13 AM
This message is for the original guy that posted this thread. I think its endoftheroad. I am the person that said to accept this and try to manage and deal with it. I do understand and yes I really do get it....I was simply trying to get you too not be so hard on yourself. I don't know what to say about the situation with your parents. I told my parents and well they never ever mentioned it again and we just don't talk about it. I too have been rejected for having this disease...a few weeks before my weddign that i put months of planning...money and everything else into. I was in the middle of relocating my job to be with my fiance...etc..etc...and right before the weddign I told him...we had not slept together yet. I have not heard from him anymore...he totally acts as if I don't exist and this was a man that swore to give his last breath for me if he had to...so yes I do know how rejection feels.
I still date...I have a good time and I am happy. I haven't told anyone cause to be honest with you..none of my relationships make it that far. Now that I take my time and really get to know people....they usually show their true colors so we never make it to that point. I actually go around thinking the avg. person has what i have or something worse so I am not in a hurry to go to bed with anyone. Yes people may reject you then they may not....someone did this to you..it didn't happen cause you were bad....unlucky....or anything...you just happened to deal with someone that didn't have the morals and integrity that you have. Just like most of us....my point is...hang in there...be strong and hold on. I know you feel bad right now....BUT I promise you it gets better....easier said than done I know.....but you will be okay. Maybe u can write your parents a letter and try to talk to them...or maybe you have a friend you really trust that you can talk to..or you can just talk to us...we are here for you...
I still date...I have a good time and I am happy. I haven't told anyone cause to be honest with you..none of my relationships make it that far. Now that I take my time and really get to know people....they usually show their true colors so we never make it to that point. I actually go around thinking the avg. person has what i have or something worse so I am not in a hurry to go to bed with anyone. Yes people may reject you then they may not....someone did this to you..it didn't happen cause you were bad....unlucky....or anything...you just happened to deal with someone that didn't have the morals and integrity that you have. Just like most of us....my point is...hang in there...be strong and hold on. I know you feel bad right now....BUT I promise you it gets better....easier said than done I know.....but you will be okay. Maybe u can write your parents a letter and try to talk to them...or maybe you have a friend you really trust that you can talk to..or you can just talk to us...we are here for you...
sunshineahead
02-03-2004, 04:46 AM
Wow...please, please, please first go to see a therapist. You need someone you can talk to--I'm sorry your parents aren't more supportive of you--they should be. You only had sex twice and don't sound like a bad kid at all with all those honors and law school, for pete's sake!
Please understand that you are a valuable, beautiful, and wonderful person. Don't let this virus take over your life because that is exactly what it is doing. You sound like me--kind of obsessive. But obsessing will get you nowhere--you can't change the past.
My current boyfriend had unprotected sex with his ex fiancee who he knew had herpes. They were told it was safe between OB's (yeah right). I am double negative and have cursed the day he met her and wondered why this is happening to us. We were supposed to get married and are now broken up because he's asked me to make a decision now about whether I can live with it or not (we've only been together a couple months). I want to be with him but I need time to adjust like we all do. My point is I have been saying "Why?" just like you. But I am realizing it's pointless and will get us nowhere. I just have a decision to make and at least I can do that and he told me. Maybe it's my cross to bear or will make me a stronger person if I accept this.
I truly, truly believe everything happens for a reason. Things like this make us grow into stronger people. You may not feel strong now but believe me when you come through this you will be much, much stronger. You just need to get your life back on track and be that successful attorney you are meant to be. And with that modeling gig--please, you sound like a handsome attorney at that. Good looking and smart = completely desirable. As you get older too, you'll realize that people are more mature about STD's and that it happens to many, many people, not just you. You will find the "one" and it will work out for you.
Here are some great places to visit to learn more and get support. I hope you check them out.
[removed]
You also might want to check out [removed] Herpes dating sites might help you get back in the game more easily so you don't feel that you might have to go through rejection again. I believe one is [removed] and there are more.
Best of luck, and remember you are awesome! :)
Please understand that you are a valuable, beautiful, and wonderful person. Don't let this virus take over your life because that is exactly what it is doing. You sound like me--kind of obsessive. But obsessing will get you nowhere--you can't change the past.
My current boyfriend had unprotected sex with his ex fiancee who he knew had herpes. They were told it was safe between OB's (yeah right). I am double negative and have cursed the day he met her and wondered why this is happening to us. We were supposed to get married and are now broken up because he's asked me to make a decision now about whether I can live with it or not (we've only been together a couple months). I want to be with him but I need time to adjust like we all do. My point is I have been saying "Why?" just like you. But I am realizing it's pointless and will get us nowhere. I just have a decision to make and at least I can do that and he told me. Maybe it's my cross to bear or will make me a stronger person if I accept this.
I truly, truly believe everything happens for a reason. Things like this make us grow into stronger people. You may not feel strong now but believe me when you come through this you will be much, much stronger. You just need to get your life back on track and be that successful attorney you are meant to be. And with that modeling gig--please, you sound like a handsome attorney at that. Good looking and smart = completely desirable. As you get older too, you'll realize that people are more mature about STD's and that it happens to many, many people, not just you. You will find the "one" and it will work out for you.
Here are some great places to visit to learn more and get support. I hope you check them out.
[removed]
You also might want to check out [removed] Herpes dating sites might help you get back in the game more easily so you don't feel that you might have to go through rejection again. I believe one is [removed] and there are more.
Best of luck, and remember you are awesome! :)
theendofmyrope
02-08-2004, 01:36 AM
First, for the person who asked...I'm 23 years old by the way. And thanks for the kind words of encouragement, but this thing just like..consumes my life. Its been almost 2 years now since I've had it, as much as I've tried, I'm still to this day just as depressed/unhappy as when I first found out I had it, maybe even moreso. I mean, it seems like I just can't get it out of my head. Everything reminds me of it...I'm walking down the street and I see a happy couple together, and I'm like...why can't I just have a care-free relationship like that? And I find myself constantly wondering who else around me might have it and who doesnt. Then of course the whole "let's sleep around" theme on every TV show these days really makes me mad. Not to mention that every little itch or weird sensation down there is like an instant downer.
As you say, if things happen for a reason...well, its been almost 2 years now, and I'm still trying to figure out that reason.
My question is to those who are infected...how did you learn to accept it and get over it? How did you learn to put it out of your mind? How long did it take you to feel "normal" again?? Maybe I'm screwed up mentally or something...but its been nearly 2 years and I still haven't learned how to be happy like I was before. I've tried going to Church more and becoming more spiritual, but the truth is, I honestly just don't believe in god anymore. I've gone to a few support meetings, but it really didn't make me feel better, all they try to tell you is that 1/4th of the population supposedly has it (out of my own dating experience, I really don't believe that). I'm sorry, but a few statistics aren't going to make me feel better about this. In fact, I feel stupider for not being more careful. I've checked out the Herpes dating sites, but to be honest, it just doesn't feel natural. It's awkward cause it feels like you HAVE to like them just cause they have Herpes like you...
So anyway, just out of curiosity, how did everyone else learn to deal? And how long did it take you?
As you say, if things happen for a reason...well, its been almost 2 years now, and I'm still trying to figure out that reason.
My question is to those who are infected...how did you learn to accept it and get over it? How did you learn to put it out of your mind? How long did it take you to feel "normal" again?? Maybe I'm screwed up mentally or something...but its been nearly 2 years and I still haven't learned how to be happy like I was before. I've tried going to Church more and becoming more spiritual, but the truth is, I honestly just don't believe in god anymore. I've gone to a few support meetings, but it really didn't make me feel better, all they try to tell you is that 1/4th of the population supposedly has it (out of my own dating experience, I really don't believe that). I'm sorry, but a few statistics aren't going to make me feel better about this. In fact, I feel stupider for not being more careful. I've checked out the Herpes dating sites, but to be honest, it just doesn't feel natural. It's awkward cause it feels like you HAVE to like them just cause they have Herpes like you...
So anyway, just out of curiosity, how did everyone else learn to deal? And how long did it take you?
movingrightalong
02-08-2004, 02:42 AM
I figured out that I had herpes about 5 months ago, after about a year and a half of a reoccurent "rash". Can I say that I have put it "out of my mind", no.. but more than anything it's because there are certain things that i do and don't do everyday so as too keep my OBs at bay. Certain suppliments that I take and certain foods that I eat much less of, such as chocolate and alcohol... but is consuming less chocolate and alcohol a bad thing? no... it's better for me anyway and I make sure to indulge a little now and then.
When i first realized I had it I was SHOCKED. I couldnt stop thinking about it, obsessing about it, wondering if people who passed me on the street, or in line at the supermarket had it. Wondering if all of the popular rockstars and moviestars and pro athletes had it. Every single little itch and tingle and twinge were suspect. I lost a lot of weight becuase I was so obsessed and upset that I had no appetite. (maybe I should recommend the "just found out you had herpes" diet... maybe it will be the next big thing. Move over Atkins!)
There have been a few things that have been unbelievable helpful. First and formost is this board. Just being able to come here and talk and vent and discuss different approaches and experiences has been crucial to me in regards to comming to terms with this thing.
Also, I have a wonderful boyfriend who refers to me as his "little reason for living". He seems to be Herpes-free(despite WAY more partners than I ever had) and I am hoping that we keep him that way forever and ever. I know that you have been reluctant to get involved with anyone and that you've had some negative experiences, but eventually you will get out there and start dating again and you will realize that you can have a wonderful life with marriage and children etc...despite this tricky little virus.
There is no point in constantly replaying and obsessing over your past your actions. You gotta move on. Yes, Herpes sucks. Noone would CHOOSE to have it, but what is done is done. The way I see it is that I CHOSE to have sex, just as you did. And I ended up with herpes. I also ended up with with a broken heart and a reality check on how cruel and petty and bizarre the world can be and these were all experiences from the same relationship that i could have ultimately done without, but until the invent a time machine I have no choice but to carry on smartly. So you keep livin and chalk it all up to experience.
Get your outbreaks undercontrol. Once you find your right balance of diet, suppliments, excercise etc you will start to feel "normal" again. We choose how we react to things that come our way. Yes, HERPES SUCKS. Noone here will tell you other wise. Everyone on this board has it or is with someone who has it and we deal with it and live our lives. Start living yours--- life is too short to waste it. Stop depriving yourself of the life you deserve to live and enjoy.
Good luck!
Movingrightalong.
When i first realized I had it I was SHOCKED. I couldnt stop thinking about it, obsessing about it, wondering if people who passed me on the street, or in line at the supermarket had it. Wondering if all of the popular rockstars and moviestars and pro athletes had it. Every single little itch and tingle and twinge were suspect. I lost a lot of weight becuase I was so obsessed and upset that I had no appetite. (maybe I should recommend the "just found out you had herpes" diet... maybe it will be the next big thing. Move over Atkins!)
There have been a few things that have been unbelievable helpful. First and formost is this board. Just being able to come here and talk and vent and discuss different approaches and experiences has been crucial to me in regards to comming to terms with this thing.
Also, I have a wonderful boyfriend who refers to me as his "little reason for living". He seems to be Herpes-free(despite WAY more partners than I ever had) and I am hoping that we keep him that way forever and ever. I know that you have been reluctant to get involved with anyone and that you've had some negative experiences, but eventually you will get out there and start dating again and you will realize that you can have a wonderful life with marriage and children etc...despite this tricky little virus.
There is no point in constantly replaying and obsessing over your past your actions. You gotta move on. Yes, Herpes sucks. Noone would CHOOSE to have it, but what is done is done. The way I see it is that I CHOSE to have sex, just as you did. And I ended up with herpes. I also ended up with with a broken heart and a reality check on how cruel and petty and bizarre the world can be and these were all experiences from the same relationship that i could have ultimately done without, but until the invent a time machine I have no choice but to carry on smartly. So you keep livin and chalk it all up to experience.
Get your outbreaks undercontrol. Once you find your right balance of diet, suppliments, excercise etc you will start to feel "normal" again. We choose how we react to things that come our way. Yes, HERPES SUCKS. Noone here will tell you other wise. Everyone on this board has it or is with someone who has it and we deal with it and live our lives. Start living yours--- life is too short to waste it. Stop depriving yourself of the life you deserve to live and enjoy.
Good luck!
Movingrightalong.
malibubarbie33
02-08-2004, 04:06 AM
I totally agree with moving right along...:)...well to make you feel better...we both modeled and we both have this...maybe we should start talking....;)....its worth a shot....Barbie
theendofmyrope
02-08-2004, 05:51 PM
Moving - Well, you're certainly a much braver person than I am, though it does help to have some support from someone else (in this case your boyfriend). With me, I told my parents (big mistake)...and thats it. I could never tell any of my friends, no matter how much I trust them.
My outbreaks aren't bad at all, in fact I only get occassional prodromes like a slight tingling sensation nowadays--no sores/rashes or anything. But I am still stuck in that obsessive stage (I'm a pretty obsessive compulsive person, when something is on my mind, its hard to get rid of...at least until I see it though, but in this case this "thing" is forever). I guess my problem is that that I was kind of raised with a silver-spoon in my mouth, I'm not spoiled at all, but the truth is I've never really known any hardship in my life...I always drove that hot litte sports car to school, captain of the soccer team, etc. in other words, I was 'babied' all my life. I guess you could say I lived in a perfect little bubble...until Herpes came along and introduced me to the real world. This is by far the absolute worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, and all by myself...so yeah, I'm still having a hard time letting go.
Barbie - heh, you're sweet. Thanks for the offer, but to be fair to you (and me) I probably have to straighten out my own life before I try to take on another new relationship or anything. Besides, I don't know how fun I'd be these days....but if you want to email me as friends for now, its [removed]
My outbreaks aren't bad at all, in fact I only get occassional prodromes like a slight tingling sensation nowadays--no sores/rashes or anything. But I am still stuck in that obsessive stage (I'm a pretty obsessive compulsive person, when something is on my mind, its hard to get rid of...at least until I see it though, but in this case this "thing" is forever). I guess my problem is that that I was kind of raised with a silver-spoon in my mouth, I'm not spoiled at all, but the truth is I've never really known any hardship in my life...I always drove that hot litte sports car to school, captain of the soccer team, etc. in other words, I was 'babied' all my life. I guess you could say I lived in a perfect little bubble...until Herpes came along and introduced me to the real world. This is by far the absolute worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, and all by myself...so yeah, I'm still having a hard time letting go.
Barbie - heh, you're sweet. Thanks for the offer, but to be fair to you (and me) I probably have to straighten out my own life before I try to take on another new relationship or anything. Besides, I don't know how fun I'd be these days....but if you want to email me as friends for now, its [removed]