Hi All,

I am in the middle of a huge problem with my brother-in-law that living with us and he is an alcoholic. I desperately need help and advice but don't see much on this board relating to alcoholism alone? He is a former heroine addict but now it's just alcoholism. My question is going to have to do with my perfect family life that he's interuppted and how much is one supposed to take before using tough love and kicking him out but then having that guilt and also if he commits suicide, that guilt as well. If we let him stay here more, aren't we enabling him?
This is a 42 yr. old man we are talking about. It's beginning to cause problems in my marriage but their parents died (7 years ago)and my husband promised his mother on her deathbed that he'd take care of his "older" brother. Their mother took "care" of him all those years. True to most alcoholics all we get the next day is the "sorries" the tears, the begging for another chance and we've had it. We are so lost and although financially we are fine, we don't have enough to go put him somewhere and pay for the whole thing. He does work but then stays out all night on a binge and never drinks around our children or our home. We just can't keep supporting him and trying to help him, all the while our family is displaced (sleeping arrangements to allow him to live here)We don't know what to do. We've given up sooooo much of our life to TRY TO HELP HIM and encourage him, yet he works and then spends it......he'll never get out and we want our life back!!!!!! He moved in Oct 1st temporarily and is still here and we've now found he hasn't saved any money. If we pay for an apt. to start him over AGAIN, he'll just screw up again.......Sorry, I said more than I was going to before figuring out if this is the correct board. I did read some of the stories on here since an addiction is an addiction and I am amazed at the wonderful courage and strength you all show in dealing with your problems. The mommy stories touched me so much. I was reading it all to try and see things from my brother in laws side b/c we do love him and I know he can't "help" this, but at what point do you tell somebody to either get help or you can't help them anymore. This has been on and off for years. My prayers go out to all of you and god bless!!! Thank you....
~Wife who's husband feels stuck between brother and family~

Hi All,
I just wanted to say that the name "healthy2b" is from me being involved in another board. Epilepsy-vs-Panic another story, not important now, but my brother in law is certainly not helping with things. Thanks...

at this point tough love is the only answer. of course, that is your husband's choice to make...have him make it...

Heidi,

Thank you so much. I didn't even think of that. A year ago I went through this with a friend and helped her through the whole thing and now that I am having this problem, my mind went blank. That is a great idea. It's just so hard b/c he tells us he doesn't want to do it, loves our family and the kids, and then lies and go out and stays out and then comes back crying and so down on himself and we fall back into the trap of feeling sorry for him. I do understand that alcoholism is a sickness and he can't help this, but there are so many people that can help it and do and we just lose our patience. He just can't cope with life unless someone is planning his every move. He was in jail for 3 years for DUI related accident. He was doing AWESOME until he was only home for a month or so. He doesn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with responsibilty and life sober. It's very sad. The other person gave me great advice too. It must be my husbands decision, it's so hard though b/c I am the one that's here all day with my brother in law since he works nights. My husband barely sees him, doesn't share the breakfast table with him, lunch table, laundry machine etc.......I want my life back!!!! It kind of stinks since it's such an intrusion when someone is living with you. I love him, I have tried to help for years, we've done EVERYTHING we can, yet he doesn't change. Now if we use tough love, he'll wind up dead. We can't live with that. Well, I will check that out for support. It's a great idea. More importantly, CONGRATULATIONS to you...5 years is awesome. Continued good luck to you and you should be very proud of yourself............Take Care......... :)

this is the right board. i agree with everyone else. time to tell him to put up or shut up. for you, i would go to alanon for him detox, rehab and aa. i know first hand how it feels to love an addict as my husband is a pill addict. i also know how much easier it is to enable him, be codependant, and a victim. hell, today, that is where i am. however, that story is a relationship issue and does not belong here. for myself, (oh yeah, i am a recovering alcoholic), the most important thing for me to do today is not drink and do the best i can.

heidi-
congrats on 5 years! that is great! tell me, when does life supposedly get better? i am doing everything i can to hold on (praying, calling my sponsor, meetings, etc). i told my husband that i don't think our marriage is going to get better, i am miserable and maybe a divorce would be the thing to do. for that i got called a b***** and told i love to be miserable. I hate this! Right now i am at work trying to hold myself together and feel like complete crap. Maybe i am a b*****, but i have put up with his BS with the pills for 2 years, footing the bills, taking care of our son,and now that he has stopped, he can't get why i don't trust him?!? i don't know.

THANKS HEIDI!
yep, i do do the alanon thing occasionally. my sponsor is great, has been in kinda the same spot (fidelity thing for her) but they worked through it. i am better now. i'm sure i sounded like a raging fool this morning. just how i felt at the time and this board helps since i can't scream at work! :p i think i'm just tired (emotionally). i do know that drinking wouldn't help things so it is a relief to realize that. can't run from problems. anyway, thanks for writing back. i remember reading your story on another thread, i think. really helped me put my life in perspective. thanks!
laney