I'm not sure if this is the place to post this, but I need someone to explain to me from their point of view and how to deal.
My mom has always been an addict of some sort. From food, men, prescription meds, to booze. Now I don't know what to do. She gets so vicious when drinking that she'll call me and say awful things to me and then expect me not to be upset or hurt because afterall, she doesn't remember saying them and she's sure it wasn't said that way. I must be taking it wrong.
I try not to get involved in it, because she only uses me to scapegoat. She gets mad that I have "real" medical problems and the ones she's having are related to her addictions, so she's mean and degrading about that.
Another issue I have is her wanting my kids. I don't mind if she's sober, problem being, she's promissed me on many occasions that if she knew ahead of time she would be sober and would not drink while they were there. Sometimes she stuck to it, others she didn't. So I had to tell her she couldn't have my kids over to her house. If she wanted to see them she could stop by, but only sober and not being belligerant. She got mad and started hurling guilt trips at me. She said that I was an awful daughter to keep them away. I told her that she was the one making the decision. I would allow it if she was sober, she chose not to be, so IMO she chose not to have my kids.
I'm at a loss of what to think about her. Some days I think she wants to be miserable and unhappy, but she wants me to be there with her. She seems jealous of my marriage, my life, etc. Even though I'm house bound, disabled, and struggling every day, she can't be happy for me when I accomplish something. So I've quit going around her. Is that wrong?? To protect myself from her? I've always been there when she's been ready for help...gone the ER's when she's suicidal, helped her get into rehab, and come around her a lot when sober, but couldn't handle her unpredictable nature when the drinking came back into play. Not only does it hurt me, but one of my kids is old enough to see what's happening and question it. I don't want him having bad memories of his grandma, but then what do I tell him when he's crying because he wants to see her?
I don't badmouth her, I just tell him that grandma's sick right now and it's not a good idea for him to be over there. She can call, but that's also limited because she'll say things to him that I've promised to bring him over or she promised to come and then blame it on me if I don't follow through with her promise and bring him to her. I just don't know what to do. Although she's not a good mom, she is a good grandma...just one I can't trust.
can someone who's been on either side of this please let me know what you did and the outcome? Thanks in advance.

I've been on both sides and can relate completely to what you are saying. My mother was a drug addict my whole life and treated me exactly as you are describing, the guilt, the meanness, etc. I know what you are going through. I was pregnant w/my first child when she accidentally overdosed on pain pills and died. I didn't even cry at the funeral but I suffered later because when she was sober, she was a great person. Now that I'm an addict myself, I can relate to the fact that she had absolutely no control over this addiction. None! When I was trying to quit (which I did with the help of a maintenance drug called Suboxone which has no 'euphoric or high effect'), I could not quit for my kids. I had to go get help when I realized that I was going to end up dead if I kept abusing pills. I can see what you are saying. When I was pregnant w/my first baby and prior to her death, I used to tell my husband that there was no way I would let her keep my child. NO WAY and i do think you are doing the right thing. You have to keep your children safe before trying to save her feelings. I agree with your approach and can definitely say you are not enabling her to drink and that's a wonderful thing. Maybe, just maybe she will seek rehab, aa, or something that will stick this time. Post often as I know how you are feeling and I know how she is feeling. Let me promise you, she's going through hell right now trying to fight this addiction. I can assure you. But you are doing the right thing.

Can I suggest going to Alanon meetings as well. It will reinforce what you are doing. Its good to talk to people that have similar problems and see how they handle it.
The group has saved my sanity.

I wish I could go to Alanon. I'm currently disabled and have been housebound for 4 mos now.
My mom has tried rehab twice, both were 30-day in-patient that allowed her only to go to work then come right back. She sobered up both times but was afraid of life sober, so she started drinking again once she was out and lost that support. She was hospitalized almost a year ago for being suicidal and an alcholic. They started her on meds for bi-polar, one of them she's on the highest dose...12,000mg..I think she said it is also used as an anti-seizure drug, she's on lithium, not sure if that's the one she was describing, and for a few months remained sober for a few months and I did everything I could to "positively reinforce" her sobriety by allowing my kids to be over, my oldest even spent the night a couple of times with her. It was also the best birthday I ever had. She had forgotten my 13 and 15th birthdays, and the others were always turned into a circus. This was my 26th and awesome. She came over 3 times just because. She brought a cake, candles, presents "from" my kids, and dinner because she knew we weren't going to celebrate on the day because of my hubby's work schedule. She appologized that it wasn't much because she was broke right now, the thing is, it was the best! She even bought presents that were exactly what I liked, regardless of money. I was so happy, then it stopped.
I still remember the day I had her watch both my kids while I went to a doc appt. and she was sober. I came back she was being obnoxious and loud. She had booze on her breath, so I started looking for the drink. She had hidden it in the fridge, usually they are on the counter.
I couldn't speak. I was so heartbroken that I just took my kids and left.
The next day I said something and she said, "So sue me, I had a little cocktail, you have your faults too." She also began to reason that admitting she was an alcoholic meant she had a damn good reason to drink. She would turn what the counselors would say into something that justified her drinking.
I know she's hurting and I'm willing to help, but I'm not willing to wear a target on my head every time I'm around. She seems to hate me because I represent things she could have done in life but didn't. She doesn't treat my sister like this. But we're a lot alike and I've done what I said I would in life, even with severe medical problems. If I wouldn't have gotten married when I did, I probably would have died because she refused to believe that I was sick. It was the beginning of a bumpy road w/ medical and she seemed so disbeleiving. It also seemed to upset her that deep down she knew these were real, yet refused to support me and even showed up drunk the day I had to have radiation treatment. I think it also bothered her that I wouldn't ask for help and struggled on my own and in spite of all of it, did what I wanted in life. Now even being housebound, I'm still doing what I can and organizing fund-raisers, donation drives and health fairs. She just doesn't seem to be able to be happy for me and when she's miserable she wants me to be miserable along side of her. She's even tried to convince me that my husband is cheating on me and has lots of reason to because I'm an awful person, wife, and mother. Then when I call her on it, she back peddles and says the opposite.
I try not to say much in the way of the type of mom she was because I don't want to add to her hurt and depression. She already knows deep down what she's been like, even if she denies it...you can see it in her eyes and on her face. So nothing more needs to be said. When she asked me why I didn't show up to her last rehab on the day when family was supposed to come and read letters they wrote about the hurts that had been caused by the addict she didn't expect the response...she had expected this to be a good guilt trip, but I told her honestly that why bring up all the hurts of my life and hurt her more? I had a chance to have my mom back and that was worth more than telling her how much she hurt me and the awful things she said and if she sobered up, I was totally willing to forget all of them. I still mean it to this day, but I honestly think she's bent on self-destruction and I can't stop it. I think in the end, either she or alcohol will take her life.
I just don't know what to do. I've already lost my dad, a half bro and sis, almost all of my grandmas and grandpas and have very little family for my kids to know, and it hurts to see that this is self-inflicted.