Rosie & Michelle...just wondering how you guys are doing? I've been thinking about you and DCV, and all others.... this is such a crazy struggle and I'm grateful for this board.

Rosie...how is the tapering going? are you down anymore from your 14. Have you made it to 12 a day yet? Somedays I think I'm flat out failing but I know that I'm not. I've actually made a bottle of 90 last more than 2 weeks. I'm taking about 35mgs a day and on Sunday I hope to lower to 30mgs. This is the lowest amount I've been on in a VERY very long time. Honestly, they're really starting to make me physically sick. I can't wait to be done. This time, I'm taking it nice and slow...How is your husband doing? Is he handling things a little better? I truly hope so.

Michelle...how are you doing? I've been reading your posts and I was worried after your "scare" that you had. I hope your struggle is getting easier and easier. I know you were so scared about the possibility of rehab. I'm glad your husband is helping you. I'm so close to telling mine. I think I need him to monitor the pills for me and then when I finally c/t he'll be able to help. Im just so afraid of dissapointing him. I know it sounds corny but he's so much like a father to me...never really had a true father...not to mention he's my best friend and he's never let me down so I hate the thought of letting him down. anyway...now I'm rambling....

DCV...how are you doing? I hope you read this. I've been thinking about you as well. Have you tapered all together yet? Where are you in your taper? I hope that you are doing well..thinking of you...

Thinking of you all...shm

Hey,

Thanks for checking on me. I am SO TIRED, so I;ll have to "fill you in" tomorrow-okay? Hope your are doing well?

Take carea;

Hey again,

I have to get ready to meet my mom for lunch (with my one and four year old)...what an adventure. I'll check back with you this afternoon...I promise!

Again, how are you doing?
Michelle :)

michelle...thanks for the reply...i'm doing okay...just struggling. this absolutely sucks. i'll look for your reply this afternoon. have a great lunch w/your mom. i hope you're doing okay...thinking of you...shm.

Hi, stayathomemom, thanks for checking in on me. I am so envious and can't wait to be as low as you are. Last night I slept the whole night through, so I woke up in withdrawals and had to take 4 this morning, because I couldn't find the immodium. So I am off the schedule, but I am going to last as long as I can until I take 1 1/2 and hop back on the schedule. I will try to limit it to 12 today. I am nowhere as bad as I was, so that is a plus. Husband has loosened up a bit, but it will take awhile to regain his trust. He took all my credit cards and atm cards, so I can't even go shopping for tonight until he gets home this afternoon.

Today and tonight will be a challenge. I agreed to host this mom's bunco night and thank God for my lovely neighbor who is going to help me out. I still am packing away the Christmas stuff. Sooo, so tempting to grab some extra just for today and tonight.

I am proud of myself for taking the girls to storytime at the bookstore yesterday (which is really singing and dancing time) which is free and they have a great time. I used to take extra pills to go, because I would have the little one in the baby bjorn and then be chasing the older one up and down the book aisles. You know how you take extra, and it doesn't even help anyway? I was good this time. Thank goodness, this time the older one danced and sang in the mosh pit and the younger one hung out with me dancing away. Today they are exactly 18 months and 35 months.

I am struggling too, shm, and want to get off of this stuff. It is the best thing for us and our families.

Also, michelle, I hope you have fun today, I know going out with the little ones has its adventures! Do you get along with your mom? Is she the one that has been helping you out or your husband's mom? Mine drives me nuts.

God bless you, I am thinking of you. Hang in there shm, you can do it.

rosie

Hey girls,

My mom could not meet me for lunch, but I went on because I promise my four year old we were going to eat at the mall. Ofcourse, I ended up in the toy store buying a lazer gun and then had to pick out something for my five year old so there would be no fighting....right after Christams, now?

You guys, I am having a BAD day. I miss the pills so much. I want that euphoria and that "feel good" so bad. I am about ready to blow the whole thing! I'll be honest, I don't know if I like living without them, they make me feel so good. I think if I had a bottle sitting in front of me, I'd take them- that's terribe, I know? Why can I do good for several days and feel so determined and then BAM, I want to take them more than anything in the world. I feel like my life is just "blah" without them.

I know my spiritual life is not where it needs to be and I am a firm believer that that makes a huge difference, because God can give you the strength you need, but I can't make myself pray or study the Bible. It is like I am afaid I can turn them down and I still want them. Does that make sense?

I know ya'll are disappointed in me because I am in myself, but if I can't tell you guys, I have no one to tell. I miss them so much- I miss that feeling you get after you take 2 or 3 more than I can say. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I just feel pathetic right now- even on the sub, I craved like crazy. Have I messed myself up that much? How in the world could I have ruined my life like I have? I'll never understand-

Thanks for listening to me whine- and please don't say "I told you so!' I am already and emotional wreck (have eaten a whole bag of Oreo's :eek: !)

Thanks again,
Michelle

Michelle - I'm not going to say I told you so. I'm going to tell you I know exactly how you feel. I didn't want to start on the Suboxone because I wasn't ready to quit. I had them for almost a month before I started taking them. Even when I was in WDs, I would choose to go get more lortabs than take the Sub because I know once I did, that was it, no more pills. I promise, I can relate and all I can say is tomorrow will be better. Please, I believe that if you do pray and pick up the Bible and ask God to give you the will to stop, then he will. Doesn't mean you won't have cravings again but it will help. At least, I know that's my belief. Please just hang in there and just make it until tonight. I know tomorrow will be better.

Oh, Michelle, I am so glad you shared with us. I know exactly how you feel. (They say never to say that, but I think I do!) I also believe that having God in your life can really help. Also, have you looked at the NA site to see if there are any in your area? Hubbie could watch the kids for an hour or two and it really helps you get your resolve back. It takes awhile for all of this stuff to get out of your system, but the psychological part might continue to haunt some of us forever. Since you are religious, I will share with you my feeling that God does not want us to take these drugs, and that by being in recovery we will develop more strength and wisdom than ever before and truly be able to better raise our children--the most important job God has ever given me. We have to feel our feelings, good and bad and ask God for help. I am going to try to go to a different NA meeting this weekend and will let you know how it goes. You will find that once these drugs are out of your system, you will still be funny, you will be quicker, and you will still be a loving, active mom who might not even need as much sleep as before.

I have GOT to get ready for this darn party, so I am off for awhile, but had to touch base with you. I am praying for you! And I am going to try to listen to my own words and not take extra tonight!!

luv
rosie

Michelle, I just read your post on another thread:

"I don't know if I'll ever attend AA/NA because of this line of thinking- I like that they emphasize the abililty of God's strength and power to help one overcome drugs, but to think someone cannot take anything or they are not clean...not sure about that!"

The people I have met "in the program" are not like that at all. Can it hurt to try a couple meetings? I will never ever be off of antidepressants, because I have a chemical imbalance, but I still think I have alot to gain from NA.
just another thought,
rose

michelle...soooo not disappointed in you...absolutely understand....i can hardly remember life w/out the pills, and, like you, i think i like the feeling i get from them, or at least i used to get from them, now they just make me foggy...i just know for health reasons i have to stop w/my mom's liver problems which ultimately resulted in her death....i have to stop...i just can't seem to do it!! ugh...this just sucks...i can't explain it but they are physically making me sick...this may sound so strange, believe just to type it sounds strange...but i begged my mother (who, like i said has passed on) to help me...i was crying in bed and sorta praying to her to help me with this struggle...i swear from that moment on they are making me sick and that's why i'm down to about 35-40mgs of hydro a day. i simply cannot take more they make me sick...kinda like a car sick feeling...i know it sounds hokey but i think it's her way of reaching out to me to try and help...

rosie...i'm so glad you're doing better...i can't imagine hosting bunco w/out hydro LOL...i used to play but the women were so into "the jones'" and who was driving what, and who was living in the largest house...i couldn't deal...but the game itself is so fun...i hope you have a great time! Your husband will come around...you're lucky to have his support...

banker...are you clean from the sub &/or hydro? if so did you taper to get there? I'm so frustrated w/it all....i just don't know what to do anymore...

have a great weekend everyone...shm

Thanks, shm.

I am lucky, my neighbors are all really great. Still hard to imagine a party w/o hydro, but I will try. Are you taking the 7.5/750's? I have found that the extra acetaminophen makes me sick as well. Good incentive to get off of it.

And Michelle, really think about your liver, like shm said. People end up on dialysis for the rest of their lives (or dead) because of these meds (the tylenol part). I am scared to death of how my bloodwork will come out.

(a procrastinating) rosie (who even did her toenails instead of cleaning up the Christmas stuff for the party)

Thanks ya'll!

Banker, I think you said something about being ready to quit- I am so ready to quit it is sickening. That is one reasons I stopped the sub (just one reason) because I want SO, SO much for my body to be "clean." I want to get up in the morning and not have the first thing I think about is a pill, I want to go to bed at night and not have the last thing I think about is a pill and I want all the time in between to be "normal." Worrying about normal everyday things- not pills, pills, pills. Even on the sub, I was pill-crazy! I was doing okay and never felt more determined in my life to beat this and then it is like it just hit me like a ton of bricks how boring I feel- that if I took a few pills- I would feel so good!

I know I need to get myself right with God and start relying on His strength, but I just can't....don't ask me why....and that makes me mad and sad at the same time because I know He could help me and I know I am hurting Him trying to take on all of this by myself.

I don't what is wrong with me today- my husband just called and informed me he is going hunting all day tomorrow, so, that just means another day with all three children by myself. (The desire for pills is even more overwhelming after getting off the phone with him....)

Oh, you guys, why can't this just go away....
michelle :rolleyes:

michelle...what can i say...i agree...i just want this to go away...i felt like it was me who wrote your post about not wanting to go to bed thinking about pills and wake up thinking about pills...pills, pills, mor f-----g pills....UGH.

i guess the saying "one day at a time" couldn't be more true for those of us struggling to get off of them....

have a great w-end everyone...

Michelle, I hope your day is going better. I know how it feels when you unexpectedly have a full day alone with the kids. I just like to know in advance! Same for when my husband says he'll be home at 6 and shows up at 9. It just throws me off. I mean I know he's working hard at the office (I'm not worried that he's not), but I just want to know in advance. As for the one-day-at-a-time thing, it is one hour at a time for me, it seems.

I am actually having a really bad day. I woke up at 6 am with a furious sinus headache (a 10) and downed extra pills, which maybe dulled it a little, but it is so bad and now I feel rotten for falling off my schedule. Of course, the headaches are how I got here in the first place. I have antibiotics, so I started them right away (this kind of pain usually means an infection). I tend to get them when rainy weather is coming (rain is expected today). I need a non-drug alternative, and will probably have to have surgery so that I don't have to be on decongestants and antibiotics for the rest of my life. I want to be off all pills, except for antidepressants. I need a CAT scan to see what's going on in there. Anyway, i hope you guys are having a better day. My husband went in this morning to the office, so I just scooted up here to see what was up real quick. Party went well last night, though.

rosie

Hey Rose,

How is your headache? That is a slam to the gut when you are trying to taper off and get a killer headache- and like you, that is the reason I was prescribed the pills. So, headache equals pills...heahache...pills! The two just go together. Hope you can make it back to your taper ASAP!

I had a terrible day- you can read on the post I started today so I won't repeat myself. Will this ever end???????

Know I am thinking of you and hope you feel better. Post me if you need me. God bless,
Michelle