Is there really such a thing as recovery? I need to know, is there anyone here who has been able to get past an eating disorder feeling secure and confident with themselves? Ugh... watch out... I really need to complain, so I'm going to ramble. Probably a lot. If you don't want to pay attention, now is your chance not to read it. Don't say I didn't warn you ;)

Bleh. I don't know what the heck I'm going to do with myself. I don't know how to get help, or if I even can get help. I don't even know if I have an eating disorder anymore or what. It must look to everyone like I'm all better. I know that when I went to an ED specialist while I was still around 40lbs underweight the doctor pretty much told me I was too heavy to be anorexic (well... she didn't say it like that, but she made reference to "real anorexics" being 2in taller and 10lbs lighter than myself). Of course going see an ED specialist did nothing for me at all at the time, because I was forced into it and wasn't honest about anything anyway, so she diagnosed me with depression and I didn't go back. Now I don't know how I'm ever going to get past this. Or if it's even possible. When I reached the point that I was so thin and weak that I didn't have the strength to get out of bed some days, it pretty much scared me into eating more, so I gained a lot of weight. For the past 3 years or so, I have maintained a "healthy" weight (right around where all those medical charts say my ideal weight should be), and physically I've doing great. So... problem solved? God, no. No! I can keep myself alive this way, but how will I ever manage to keep myself sane?

I normally feel as though I am completely in control of what I'm eating. I have to feel that way. Anything else is horrible beyond all comparison. Which makes being pregnant like I am right now absolutely terrifying. There are times when I simply can not control how much I eat. I just can't. I'm like a ravenous beast until I'm uncomfortably full. It's horrible. I know that's completely normal for a pregnant woman, but I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. Even if I haven't eaten a huge amount of food, I still feel obscenely guilty just for eating more than I had planned to. The other day I spent 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up and then completely breaking down when I couldn't do it. I'm such an idiot for even trying, and I can't believe how selfish and stupid I'm being. Blah. I hope I'm going to be able to make a better mother than that. This is just pathetic.

Anyway, under normal circumstances the only thing that keeps me maintaining a weight that I'm really not comfortable with is keeping in mind how quickly weightloss can get out of control, how scary it is to be too weak to move, and that even when I was thin, I was an emmotional wreck and never really comfortable with myself. But arggg... at least I didn't feel completely humiliated by my body. Sometimes I see pictures of myself from a few years ago when I was smaller, and I wish I was back there. I always wonder if maybe I'd be able to lose a little bit of weight, just not too much, and maintain that weight... I wonder if then I'd be comfortable with the way I look. Maybe then I'd be able to wear the form fitting, slightly revealing clothes that everyone else does. For years I haven't been able to bring myself to wear anything that shows too much of my arms or my legs. If I try to force myself to wear something like that, I spend the whole day thinking about how fat I look, and I simply can't take it. I always see other women of all different shapes and sizes wearing clothes that fit properly accentuate their features, and they always look so beautiful. It makes me so freaking jealous. Thinking about the way I would feel in those clothes makes me break down crying. And now after the baby is born my body is probably going to look even worse, and I'll wish that I dressed nicely while I had the chance.

Ugh. OK. I'm done being a whiney brat for now. I know how completely ridiculous I must sound because I don't even have any real problems and I yet I seem determined to keep myself miserable. Think I'll ever figure out how to stop? Thanks so much to everyone for listening.

autumn888!!! oh man, i read your post, felt your pain and also, "looked in the mirror"!
there is such a thing as recovery...the ghost of the ED may always lurk around but it IS possible to keep it at bay and maybe even chase it away for good!
ok , so all this time i thought it was "just a phase" i went through when i was a young girl, young woman and young mother.. i am now 36 and i tell you -- i have been where you are right NOW! As if starving, throwing up (yuck) over-exercising,taking laxatives,diet pills, etc etc wasnt enough..then there was the emotional "beatings" i took over and over again from the voices within along with being physically drained.. feeling like i had the flue all of the time and even growin tons of hair all over my body (yeck again) so i felt like more of a freak ... had horrible pain, migraines, seizures, you name it... and yet the worst of all was the emotional part of it! So when i became pregnant i knew i had to "smarten up" and eat on a regular basis, i was sad and miserable and hated the world... should have been the happiest time in my life and i dreaded each day... all because i could not control what was happening with gaining all that weight.. i ate and ate and ate and gained and gained and gained.. oooh boy, was i miserable! I was stuck in an abusive relationship and he was never home (out running around with "skinny girls") which was devestating just for the fact that they were "skinny" ... and this whole time i had no-one to reach out to because i put on a happy face and painted a pretty picture for all to see... but i tell you, little by little.. when i felt the first kick and actually pictured holding this child.... i started turning around.. i read tons of books on childbirth etc and tons of books on nutrition and then i started walking.. felt the sunshine on my face and just realizing that there was a life inside of me helped brighten my days... THEN when i had my precious little wonder.. a son..i held him in my arms and promised him i would do anything in my power to ensure he had a good life.. NOTHING in the world mattered to me except for him.. .. i had someone to love and someone to love me back so unconditionally... no matter what size i was or what i looked like,-- he needed me! I fell in love.. a love like no other and THAT my friend is what helped me along.. yes i yearned for that "ideal" body and i just stopped thinking about it.. i had a gift given to me (my son) and i was going to enjoy it! I started walking, got vhs tapes (jane fonda) and worked out.. i kept at it and then i joined some classes at the local community hall .. then the gym..i took courses on nutrition and only kept good stuff in the house to eat and tried my best to keep those demons at bay..
unfortunately i was easy prey.. i had another abusive relationship and another child.. but that time around i absolutely loved being pregnant and yet my "monster" was still there waiting to swallow me up.. without even realizing it over the years, i kept being incredibly hard on myself and blamed myself for stuff i had no reason to.. i eat .. i work out.. i am looked upon as being fit and healthy.. hah-hah-- and then it all came crashing down and i found myself in a dark,horrible place all alone because i just couldnt admit how i hated myself and i was so obsessed with the way i looked and felt so ashamed for all of it.. my husband took me to the doctor , i went to therapy ,-- got time off work and now here i am.... finally admitting to having an ED and facing my demon head on.. i WILL NOT let this disorder take me.. i am fighting tooth and nail to take control of my life back! I finally cried . i finally felt the pain flow out of me and i finally said good-bye to my dad.. i stopped thinking about him after he passed away and i finally let him go... i am healing.. healing the inner child and mourning for all my hurt,loss and pain..
SO , yes there is recovery...you just may have to make a committment to finding it..
congratulations on becoming a mother.. it IS a gift and it is precious.. and yes, you will be a good mom.. i have 2 healthy, beautiful amazing sons who are so loving towards me and eventhough we have had our share of rough times... we are a tight family unit and we have each other! I am here if you need to talk.. advice.. believe me.. i have walked thousands of miles to get here and my feet are pretty sore :) but I AM HERE!
HUGS .... XOX

Autumn
I'm in a similar way to you right now and i understand completely how debilitating an ED can make you no matter what you weigh. The weights not really the issue, its why we are dealing with our pain through disordered eating.
Its just so damn frustrating isnt it?sometimes the whole day is shadowed by the ED and the more you try to forget about it ,the more obsessive the thoughts become.Its just like a battery that wont run out or slow down.
I know im not being much help to you but dont ever feel you are on your own because so many of us are struggling here and i think its a big comfort just to come here and find others that can atleast relate on a similar level.
you cant force yourself to get better Autumn. You are definetely needing help with this one. thats all i can suggest.
Take care
nikkitaxxx

Oh thorac and Nikkita, thank you so much for listening and reminding me that I'm not alone. It helps a lot just to remember that I really do have a legitimate problem and it's simply not one that I can just make disappear when I want it to. I get so frustrated with myself becuase I often think I'm just being difficult for no reason, and I should be able to control myself better than that. Even when I know I'm being completely irrational, I can't seem to really believe it completely. Because there's always that nagging in my mind. There's always something in there that doesn't want to make things easy for me and wants to make sure I feel guilty and bad about myself, and continually conflicted about so many stupid things that shouldn't even be an issue. And it's not something I can just turn off. If it was that simple, it would be done already. I have to be reminded of that sometimes.

What you said about making a committment to finding recovery, thorac, I'm sure you're absolutely right. It won't get better until I go find help. Something I have said I would do many times. But I always find a reason to put it off and generally end up conving myself that I can't be helped anyway. It just seems so overwhelming and scary. I wouldn't know where or how to begin. Sometimes I'm not really sure if I even want to get better. There's always that ridiculous notion that maybe I should give into the problem just a little bit more, and that would fix everything. I don't know if I have any idea what it's like to live without this torment. I guess I'm still not sure I can fully believe it's even possible... though I know it has to be.

Well, look at that. I'm babbling again. What a surprise :P Haha. It just feels so good to be able to talk about it to people who understand. Thanks everyone :)

What you said about making a committment to finding recovery, thorac, I'm sure you're absolutely right. It won't get better until I go find help. Something I have said I would do many times. But I always find a reason to put it off and generally end up conving myself that I can't be helped anyway. It just seems so overwhelming and scary. I wouldn't know where or how to begin. Sometimes I'm not really sure if I even want to get better. There's always that ridiculous notion that maybe I should give into the problem just a little bit more, and that would fix everything. I don't know if I have any idea what it's like to live without this torment. I guess I'm still not sure I can fully believe it's even possible... though I know it has to be.



Hey Autumn,
Recovery is possible. I have been recovered for over 4 years now. It does take commitment and a will to recover, but it is possible. I would recommend a GOOD therapist. There is NO way I would be where I am today if I had not found a therapist who I trusted. It took some time to find the one, I went through 2 others before I found the one who helped me. From reading your posts I can see you have so much going on inside you and I think talking with someone is going to give you a great release. Trust me when I say you CAN be helped and you DESERVE help. But you have to reach out and get help. A medical doctor is not enough, you need to find someone to help you figure out what is going on inside. I know it is scary, I was terrified of getting better because it was an unknown, and my ED was a known, but when you come out on the other side it is SO worth the work and effort. Please look into talking with someone. You are precious and deserve to enjoy your life free from the ED monster being present and ruining your every day! :angel:

autumn88, i agree with dance4jc that you should find a good therapist, and don't just take the first one... your doctor can recommend one and even if your doctor won't listen, then go to another! We are here to support you and lend a helping hand but you have to take the first step and make that committment .... i know it is hard.. but so is living in this life with ED...weigh the two against each other.. life with PEACE, or life with ED.. hmm.. i think i'll take the peaceful one even if i have to work hard.. i worked too hard on being in pain than releasing it and shedding myself of the guilt and shame .. yes i still have relapses, and i am still recovering, BUT i know it isn't an easy ride no matter what life brings you and i just have to work hard but the pay-off in the end.. when i am out there smilin and laughin with my family, it was all worth the fight!!!!
we're in this together, you are not alone!
:)

Hi Autumn,

Yes, recovery from an ED is entirely possible! It took me 2-3 years to recover after 10 years of an ED, and I'm happy to say that it was worth it! I no longer think about food, weight, diet and exercise 24/7! Yes, I am also concerned about pregnancy and weight gain (as I'm thinking about pregnancy at age 32).

I think that you will need the support of a well-trained eating disorder therapist during pregnancy - not to mention just fighting an eating disorder! Please find one ASAP for the health of you and your baby.

Even though I'm recovered, I still do panic a little when I gain weight from a medication, but that's normal. My friends without eating disorders don't like to gain weight, either! It's just not obsessive and takes over my life. I can skip a day of exercise now and not feel guilty - that NEVER happened during my ED days! I can also indulge in restaurants and desserts with family and friends. What a difference! Co-workers also have remarked how I function so much better.

What really helped was when I attended group therapy with those who have recovered from anorexia. I could see that there was hope, as they seemed so content and fulfilled with their lives.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your posts! It's very reassuring to see that there is hope. I've been so worried that maybe it just doesn't get any better. Maybe the best I could hope for is just to survive and still put up with obsessing and feeling terrible about myself all the time. But knowing that other people have gotten past it makes things seem a lot less hopeless. I'm going to get help. I've finally made up my mind that it's worth it.

Good for you Autumn, recovery is worth the work and you deserve to have a better life.

Hi Autumn,

Good news! Recovery is worth it for you and your family. Best of luck to you!

C

I highly recommend therapy!! It has helped me so much in the past few months, I can not begin to express how much better my life is now. I can't say that everyday is a good day, because most of the time I still think about my figure, the bad foods, and other's perception of myself. But i've learned to live with it though, and go on. One good piece of advice my therapist told me is to look in the mirror or say out loud one or two good things about yourself, whether your intelligient, your funny, your HEALTHY... Although some may find it's corny to do that, I have found that it's great when your saying it to yourself. Though my mind still views myself as the 70 pound person I used to be, I have to re-adjust to see that i am healthy. Anti depressants have helped a bunch, but more so, it was my courage to get through this and just to accept who I am. That's what it all comes down to.. just love yourself for who you are and what God made you to be. Find your passion in life and go for it.