sigh... after about a week and some of feeling good, or at;least better, i am back down that deep dark hole i would like to call depression... i have been taking the zoloft for about a week and a half, i just hope it starts working soon, because i am not doing too well... i have been cutting myself more, my anxiety is getting worse and the feeling of impending doom is swirling in my head and i feel horrible... and tired and just blah... i have an appt with a therapist, but it isnt until the tenth of febuary..., and my appt with a pdoc is in march... so i am just at a loss... and i fear that what happened last fall will happen again this semester...

though, a disabilities person at my college said i definately have add/adhd and that i can get temp accomidations until my pdoc appt... but even with that, i know i am going to fail... i have absolutly no motivation whatsoever and i try to force myself to do the work, but always lose... always a failure

I HATE BEING SUCH A FAILURE!!! :mad: ... and now that i have been labled as having a learning disability... i feel like such a loser... though i should know that i shouldnt, that there is nothing wrong with having one, but i cant stop feeling as if though i am stupid and a loser and so many other things...

sigh... i hate myself so much... arrg!!!! when i look at myself i want to throw up...

sorry for all of this... i am just being my usual complaining loser self... i just had to vent is all...

You are not a failure.

It is not your fault.

Your brain chemicals are inbalanced and only the RIGHT MEDICATION(S) can help.

HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND!

thanks thickman...

i am trying

i just dont know how much longer i can hang on... i just feel myself falling deeper and deeper... and feel as if though it will never get better...

but funny thing is, when i felt "good" i was uncomfortable, for i havent felt that way in such a long time, and the feeling seemed foreign to me...

with that said and done... the question now is... do i really want to get better???

i dont know... i mean, feeling good was great, but i am not used to it... i feel like such a stranger...

man i am so f****** confused...

Stay calm my friend...

When I feel GOOD, I FEEL WIERD, ODD, and it is also VERY FORGIEN...

But people tell me, just enjoy THAT DAY and dont think about the next...

Right now, worry about getting through TODAY and when tommorow comes, I will meet you on this message board and we will see your mood then...

Cause for the last 2 days I have been the HAPPIEST MAN EVER... Then today I am happy, just not as happy, but I don't worry about it...

Just deal with today, and whatever tommorow holds, only God knows right?

HANG IN THERE GIRL!

yup... i hope tomorrow will be better... right now i feel a bit better though... i told a friend about my cutting and she seemed to be really supportive for me, more supportive than my so called friends... i am happy i have her there... yet at times, i feelings of guilt...

my mind is my enemy at times...

Our mind can be our best friend and worst enemy.

But we must gain control of our mind, body and soul... I think us depressed people loose control of the MIND... And we let the MIND PLAY BLOODY TRICKS ON US...

yup... i just wish sometimes i can shut it off... sigh... if only it came with an on/off switch

yup... i just wish sometimes i can shut it off... sigh... if only it came with an on/off switch

The switch would be a good thing wouldn't it!

With both of your appointments a bit away, do you have anything like xanax or Klonopin to take in the meantime, til your AD kicks in & til you see those docs? Can't you call the pdoc & ask for a benzo just to get you thru. That is what I'd do. Hang in there, you know it will get better. I was where you are just a few short weeks ago, and on my 3rd & 4th new try at a new AD. Finally, I think these have kicked in, I'd been like this since Oct.

well i am seeing a psych nurse practictioner on the fifth, so i can ask then, but i dont think they would give me anything before that... although bad as it may sound, i could borrow my sisters xanax for the next few days...

thickman... my mood today... unfortunatly the same... except i am more tired and really dont feel like going to school... no motivations whatsoever... its the fall all over again... an endless cycle...

Greenstumpie!

Hang in there... You have come so far, dont give...

Just keep truckin along...

i truely dont know how much longer if this i can take... :(

all i want to do is cry and sleep and i just feel so horrible...

i am trying to hang on, i just dont know what to do...

When it doubt, SLEEP...

It got better for a lot of us so please don't give up.

In the meantime . . . I'll say a prayer for you 'cause I don't have advice. I know that at my absolute worst, I try to cancel all responsibilities and obligations for at least a few hours and I sit in my favorite place (my bedroom) and read, listen to music, sip tea, light scented candles -- oh, and the "Do Not Disturb" sign is up! . . . I don't know if you have the opportunity to do something like that for yourself. Anyway keep us posted.

i wish i could... but i am at school... and i have class in a half an hour... i wish i could skip, but if i fail this semester... i am forever screwed...

and now my financial problems have seem to come back tenfold... i have so much money problems with the last school i went to... i just dont know... i just hate myself...

i wish i could sleep, i wish i could hide away from this reality... throwing up in the bathroom wasnt what i had in mind, but it worked... but now... arrg... i dont want to go to class... and face all those people (i am in a large class, small room) and when i come home, a social worker is coming over to see my little brother... (he has this intensive home care thing so that he wont get into a hospital again...)

i want to cry and be alone... i hate this...

then cry and be alone... do no more and no less...

cry and be alone...

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but funny thing is, when i felt "good" i was uncomfortable, for i havent felt that way in such a long time, and the feeling seemed foreign to me...

with that said and done... the question now is... do i really want to get better???

i dont know... i mean, feeling good was great, but i am not used to it... i feel like such a stranger...

man i am so f****** confused...

Feeling good brings on its own set of new problems. Once I get feeling better, I start wanting more things in my life, things that I don't have or haven't pursued because of my depression and anxiety. I get really restless, bored and impatient, and then I start to get anxious, which just gets me feeling bad all over again.

But, I suppose the new problems are better. It's like jumping up one rung of the ladder. When you feel good, you have the energy to pursue what you feel is missing in your life. The key, I guess, is to act and never get complacent. Nothing good comes easy and nothing good remains easy. A friend of mine wrote that in my highschool yearbook. I think he was very wise.

Nothing wrong with taking some xanax to get you thru, even if it just makes you sleep, sleep can be a big help when you're in that dark place.

i slept for the longest time... went to bed reaaaal early...

and i still feel like crap... it took me over three hours to get up, showered and ready for school...

i am literally counting down the days till the appt with the therapist... i am so happy that it is the weekend... although my family will be a pain in the a** i am going to sleep... sigh... back to the old days of deep depression...

Greenstumpie,

You keep on truckin along... Cause I have high-hopes for you... I can see it now... In 4 months you will come on the board and be a new person...

HANG IN THERE GIRL!

greenstumpie!!
you are not alone in this.. i understand 100% about the cutting thing because i fell into the trap of self-destruction for years and years..
take a deep breath, c'mon let's do it
now even if you have to say it out loud..I AM WORTH IT.. cause you are.. just have to believe in yourself and give it all you got right now.. it isnt easy no! but ya know what, it isn't easy self-destructing either.. that takes up a lot of your precious time just as much as breaking free and taking time to heal..
it all seems so scary and overwhelming and trust me, it's like that for a lot of people who don't even suffer from depression! but, the pay-off is incredible!
i started thinking about all the good stuff i would have missed if i had given into the voices in my head and so hard on myself because i just couldn't 'make it all better"
but one step at a time.. do you like music?? put on some dance music, rock music, feel good music and write a list of all the good things in life worth fighting for..
all your dreams . .. your list of things to do! i still haven't done most of them but later in life it's funny how they will change anyway! hee hee
oh if only i could reach out and give you a big hug i would! trust me, i know how you feel and when i slowly drift into that black hell-hole, i fight desperately to get the heck out because it's kinda like having the flu.. just feel awful but then day by day, you gradually feel better.
rest, take it easy, give all you can to fight off the "demons" but most importantly, take care of yourself.. what can you do to take care of yourself today?
please keep posting so we know how you are doing.. believe me , i feel your pain.. i have been there and we need to lean on each other for support through this!!
big hugs.. :)

ps: look up some info on depression.. look for tips that will help you through the dark days.. also, i did some research on aspartame and depression.. not good so i stay away from it now.. and even coming down with the flu or having the flu can be the same as sinking into depression... so it's time that you need to take extra care of yourself! .. hope this helps..

next tuesday... that is all i am thinking... the tenth... it should arrive here shortly... i have to tell this to myself over and over again...

thanks everyone for your support... you dont know how much it really means to me, seeing as i get little at home...

My Dear GreenStumpie.

Your name is so cute. I wish your well my friend. Us people who think we are failures are the ones who will learn some day how awesome we truly are will celebrate each day as if it is our last. And I've had plenty of happy months were I've been just happy to live each day. And failure is sooooooo relative and subjective. And guess what I hate hypercritical people. That is why I think I am a failure sometimes. Because my father always reinforced my efforts and good work with obssesive criticism, and physical abuse. I learned NOT to be good no thanks to that SOB that needed to be smacked in the face many a time to get him to understand what foolish mistakes he was doing. Well people CAN ruin our childhoods and even our blossiming adulthoods in which they have planted the seed for OUR continous failure. And That is what my father inplanted into my brain. I have no love or anything for him. And to keep on fighting the seed that he planted and fighting the hypercritical thoughts within us, and even outside of us (such as an overbearing boss or a nagging loser friend). Keep on fighting you WILL succeed. You will succeed. As for days/weeks/months that I get into the black pit of failure cycle or depression. I pick up some self help books and read my little heart out! And sometimes I cry and that helps me because I repressed a lot of emotions and I let the pain come threw and let it out. Kind of like having a BM. hahaha. Well it is true we do feel better afterwards.

Good luck and take care :)

thanks... sigh, i just told off a friend in an email... but i didnt send it... i was too mean in it... but writing it made me feel good, took of some pressure... on that part... but my bigger problems seem to play in my head over and over again... my mom was yelling at me because i didnt sort out my financial probs yet... that i am taking to long... she thinks its so easy to pick up a phone and call someone... but for me, that is one of the hardest things for me... i cant deal with rejection (i know i need to get over it) and because of it... i cant bring myself to take care of necessary business and thus making things even worse... my mind is my enemy...

on monday, i am gonna try to make the phone calls and make an a** of myself... i usually do...i am gonna have to try to get over my fear of rejection and resentment, if i can do that, then things will get better... but everytime i think of possible outcomes to my situation, the bad ones are scaring me away... i need to think POSITIVE!!!

and breathe... that is always important!!! :D

Greenstumpie, I used to be afraid to confront people or make business type phone calls. I used to make my husband do all of it. As I got older I realized that it's only "words" and words cannot hurt me, nor can the person on the other end of the phone. As you get older, you get some "guts" and now I take care of everything & anything. I don't let them push me around, I figure I have rights too. It is our depression that takes away our self confidence & we must put it back in place. I know you'll be able to make those calls on Monday & when you do, think of me. I'm about 105lbs. but I do not let them push me around anymore!!