Hi all. I thought this may be an appropriate board to post on since there are no boards for suicide survivors. I was wondering if any of you are survivors of this terrible act? My father committed suicide on January 19, 2004...he was not found, and my brother and I were not notified, until the next afternoon. Our mother died of breast cancer May 1, 2002 so we were his only next of kin.

My father was a severely depressed alcoholic who took Paxil but I think the alcohol made that drug useless to him.

Anyway, I have found that I am beating myself up trying to figure out why I didn't see the signs, or maybe I did see the signs and was so tired of asking him to stop drinking and get a life...???

If any of you are survivors, please post.

Thank you!

No, I've never had anybody in my life die to suicide, but I just wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry I am.... That must be horrible for you. This is still a very, very recent event, so it's very normal for you (especially now, although it could continue for awhile to come) to be wondering if something you did do, or didn't do, contributed to this. But please try not to think about it that way.... Don't beat yourself up over it. I can't even imagine what kind of pain you're in, but try to really realize that when people commit suicide, it's ultimately their own choice and unfortunately even when people do see the signs, and acknowledge (sp?) them, it sometimes doesn't really make a difference in what ends up happening. Sorry I can't offer you any websites or anything like that, but I'm sure you'll be able to find a few good ones if you do a search on the net. Good luck with that and again, I'm very sorry.
Take care.

Thank you for responding, Whiskers :) I am working on not beating myself up about it....even if I had been able to do something for him, I'm afraid I would only have prolonged the inevitable....he was truly a tortured soul. It's nice to hear words of encouragement! :)

Hi Amykins (funny my best friend we call Amikins),

My dad commited suicide when I was 9. I was really close to him, he stayed home with us, while my mom worked 6am-midnight (running a restaurant). He was my whole world.

It is still hard for me to accept his death, I'm 26 now. I don't understand why he did it either, and it's a question I will always have. I have worked really hard to accept him for doing what he did, it hasn't been easy. I highly recommend getting some kind of counselling, it should help with the process of letting go and accepting. I have never fully healed from it, and probably once a year I will break down. I still think about it often, but I really try to only think about the wonderful things he did, and what a great friend/father he was. I hold those memories very dear. I have forgiven him for leaving us, it isn't easy.

You know it had nothing to do with you, most people who commit suicide actually think they are doing their loved ones a favor for not being a "burden" any more, as horrible as that sounds, it's true. They are very selfish in my opinion. I just wish they would have had the strength to come forward and seek help.

All I can say is remember the great things, forgive him, seek therepy, and live your life as full as you can one day at a time.

I know this post isn't very uplifting, and I apologize for that. I truly feel your pain, and wish you the best.

Take good care of yourself.

Jamah

Jamah,

Actually, hearing stories from other survivors is very uplifting.

I also thought that my dad did this because he didn't want to be a burden to me or my brother. He knew that we were VERY tired of his drinking, and were all but completely backed out of his life. We both knew that he was having serious financial troubles since his second wife had that house mortgaged to the hilt, and then walked away, divorced him, and quick-claimed the house to him. He was not only distraught by her leaving him and moving in with another man, but was paying many of her bills as well, perhaps with the hopes that she would come back.....

His alcoholism had taken him to depths he felt he could never crawl out of...I guess. I have forgiven him...I am still angry as HELL, and will never understand why, I forgive him because he was so so very lonely...he came home to an empty house every night, and woke up to that same emptiness every morning, with nothing to look forward to....very sad, but that also was his choice.

My brother and I are going to a suicide survival group starting next Tuesday. I am very anxious to meet others in our situation.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your father. That must have been SO rough on you!!! Did you feel abandoned?

Thats awesome that you guys are going to the support group together, it should really help!

I'm sorry to hear how lonely he was, it's really sad.

I did feel abandoned when he killed himself. It was really hard, the kids at school didn't know how to treat me, most kids don't have to deal with that kind of loss. How do I explain to my friends that my dad shot himself? So I would make up heroic stories of how he died.... he drowned while saving someone, etc... at that point I realized if I just told stories, then I could eventually believe them as truth, and I did this within a lot of areas of my life. I still have a hard time with the truth, my stories are just so much easier to accept. I also lost a lot of attention when he died, he was the one that gave me all the attention, I was his princess. The attention I began to receive was only sympathy, people "walked on egg shells" around me, I didn't like it.

I started searching out attention from guys, starting about 15... I actually haven't been single since I was 15. I have a hard time being alone. I craved the attention men gave me, and it took me into a lot of bad relationships. I was so needy and codependent. It's amazing to be able to track your patterns, and understand why you do the things you do. I am in a healthy relationship now (5 years), but I still have my moments. My bf is in incredibly supportive of me, and he helps me every way he can.

I am tracing my behavior back to where it started, which most of it did when I was 9... and I'm finally working on it. Finally seeing the steps to fix it. It's hard work, but I know I have to do it.

We're not perfect, life isn't perfect, and crap happens... we have to deal with it somehow, and sometimes we don't choose the best ways to deal with it. At some point, we then have to deal with those bad choices, and hope our next choices are better ones. Life is all a big learning process, I'm glad that I am seeing the root of my problems now, and doing what I can to get healthy and past them.

You are very smart, and I know everything will be fine for you. You're taking the right steps. Be strong, and I'm here whenever you need to talk.

=)
Jamah

Hi Jamah! Thanks for sharing your story....I can see how you would try to find love in that fashion. I was also like that for most of my life and just finally settled down with someone I think I could be with forever...and I'm 33!

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Amykins, there may not have been signs. Many depressed people are masters at hiding their emotions. I was suicidal at different times in my life due to severe medical problems, complicated by post partum depression. I hid it well, smiled all the time, cracked jokes, you name it....very few knew I was depressed. Another problem with someone suicidal is that once they have made up their minds, very few things if anything can change that. You may be able to prolong it, but in the end, for many, it's inevitable.
People that are this full of sorrow see no way out and can't imagine living a life that is so full of pain, sorrow, anger, frustration, loneliness, etc. They have an incurable pain that won't go away, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, or whatever, just prolongs it and adds to it as well...but in the end, it didn't fix the broken spirit.
He didn't do it to hurt you or because you did anything wrong. He sounds like he was already suffering from depression, added to it with alcohol and compounded by the loss of your mother. The hardest part with most men is the fact that they aren't like women, they don't talk about their hurts and rarely wear it visibly on the outside. It may have been there, but disguised as something else. You couldn't have saved him no matter how hard you tried, nor do I think he wanted you to. Many people who are driven to contemplate suicide, but don't want to die, tell someone, hoping that they will help them get a grip on the situation. Many who have made up their minds are usually relieved and may even enjoy life a little more than usual. The bad part with someone who's suicidal is that this does not mean they've made it out of the woods, but that they had the only relief from pain they could find in life and that was to end it.
They are relieved at coming to terms and finding the way to end the pain. This is usually after they decide how they are going to die. I was here not too long ago, but I was one that couldn't find a way out, other than suicide, but truly did not want to die. I cried so many tears, trying to fight these urges I couldn't control, and didn't want to think about. I would be having a great day and something would snap and I'd think about dying and cried over the fact that I felt out of control and like I couldn't keep myself safe, from ME!?!?! I was so confused. I didn't want to live life like I was, but didn't want to die, something had to give and I didn't want it to be me.
I was one of the lucky ones that had my eyes opened and heart at least bandaged until I could heal from the inside. I can honestly say, that at those points in my life, no one could have saved me, no matter how much they talked, told me they cared, tried to patch my life up, nothing would have changed. I just would have hidden it better until I was ready. This is what your dad did. He wasn't thinking about how much he would hurt you and your brother, that there would have eventually been a way out, or he may have thought you guys were better off with out a drunk, depressed, father...he wasn't able to separate the reality of the situation at hand and his reality told him that dying was the only way out.
I have had friends who have committed suicide and very few saw it coming, either.

On the abandonment, please know in your heart that he didn't leave you and your brother, he left the pain....that's it....he didn't want to leave you guys behind, but could no longer stand the pain. Please go to the groups and post here often, the more you're able to talk about it, the faster you'll heal. Also, not to scare you, but men are often the "completers" and men/boys who have lost a parent to suicide are at a higher risk themselves. So encourage your brother to talk and let him know that you'll never be judgemental of his feelings, he can trust you and you want him to talk to you... this goes for you as well. Be honest with each other, you are all that's left and life is too precious to spend hiding secrets.

Amykins70, my heart goes out to you. I am a suicide survivor as well, and i am so sorry to hear about your dad. You are not alone, and i will remember you in my prayer tonight, let god see you through this. i will check back here in the next day or so, please update us on how you are doing. people are here to help. my heart is with you.

Angel,

I am so glad that you didn't hurt yourself!!!!! In my mind I know he didn't leave me and my brother because he wasn't thinking of us....but in my heart is that little daddy's girl...it's hard, but I think I'm doing pretty good.

It is so nice to have people like you out there that care enough to take the time to write to me...it's very uplifting!!!!!!

laellis1975,

Thank you for the prayers, I will keep you in mine as well. I am so sorry that you have gone through this as well, but I am happy that you have found strength to go on.

Who did you lose? Tell me your story, if you don't mind. I understand if you are not able to.

Hi AmyKins. My brother Eric killed himself July 28 2001. He wasnt biologically my brother but he was in my life the time i was born. I also had beat myself up over it saying i shoulda saw the signs. 2 weeks before he did it he came over and talk ed to us and i use to think that if i just stayed outside and talked to him longer then he would have told me. He lived in a bad family. His mother kicked him out so his step dad could live with them( who by the way abused him) so he lived with us for 2 years. The only thing that goes on up there is drugs. Mad drugs. The day he did it he called his uncle 5 times telling him he was going to kill himslef. But his uncle didnt care. About 3 daysbefore that he tried drivivng his car off the ditch. For so long i justcried. i couldnt get over it. I even at times thought it was my fault! I miss him to this day, and i promise though thatthe pain will goo away. It justtakes a lot of time. My word of advice is to get ur feelings out. By talking or whatever. ithelps a lot.

Always,

How horrible for you and for your brother!! It's so good to hear from people that are healing!

I talk about it alot, and quite a few people are really impressed by how I've reached out so soon. I have to talk about this kind of stuff. When my mom died, I stuffed everything down because I didn't think anyone wanted to hear it but when I did finally deal with it, it was worse...

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well with your pain, anger, disbelief..all of those great emotions! :rolleyes:

amykins,
hi, i am glad you replied, and i hope you are finding strength to carry on as well. I lost my sons father, we were not together at that point, but he was at that point my best friend. My son has no idea what really happened, as he was only four at the time, and he is only ten now, so far too young to be told how it happened. He was young, and it was the worst thing i have ever had to deal with, but i am a strong believer in god, and he has seen me through this, and i will pray again for you to help you to carry on, sometimes life seems so unfair, and it is, and it is hardest for those left behind to pick up the pieces, but i will always be thankful that i had the chance to get to know him, and i have a wonderful young man to always remind me of him. I hope to hear from you more. God bless you.

Amy, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I have never experienced it, but my heart goes out to you. I believe in God, too, and I also believe that he is watching out for you and your brother, particularly in giving you each other to get through this. When my sister and I go through tough times, we can't imagine how we would get through it alone.

I think that normally this website does not like you to share other websites with people, but in this case, since there is no suicide message board, they probably wouldn't mind if I do. There is a website for women called Ivillage. Maybe you already know about it. They have a suicide information webpage that is really easy to find. If you click into "health" and then "mental health" you will find it. They have quite a few articles there, including some short articles on coping with the suicide of a loved one. They also have a suicidal thoughts and feelings message board. I have not read that board. From the title, it sounds like it may be geared toward individuals thinking of suicide rather than those who are coping with loss. I still think it is worth checking out anyway. If you post a message, you may find even more people out there who can relate to you.

All of us here are thinking of you, as you can see from the messages. Hugs!

Josie