All right, here goes...

Hi, I stumbled upon this site one night out of desperation. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I know something is. I go through constant bouts of depression, especially while home. I am 21; I go to school about an hour from home and I stay there. I am extremely unhappy with my school though: no parties, no drinking, no women. Everything a college life is supposed to have does not exist at my school. I am not even satisfied with my education and feel like I am being ripped off. I have applied for the student exchange program, so I can go to another school for a year and take courses better suited for my major that my school cannot offer. I go through bouts of lonliness at school, but this isn't that bad as long as my roommate is around. I don't like showing my emotions to strangers.

My home life is even worse. My father is a compulsive hoarder. We have junk all over the house. The place is a mess and in some parts dirty, disgusting, and nasty. It's like something you would see on a 20/20 story. To make things worse, if something breaks, he has to fix it himself. he hates hired labor. No outsiders are permitted within the house. As a result, we have no refrigerator; there's a hole in the house so it gets freezing at night; the pipes freeze so no one can take a shower when they want, I could go on.

My dad had a stroke about 6 years ago. He lost fuction of the left side of his body. He is handicapped and refuses to admit that he can no longer do the things he once could. He is completely stubborn and will not seek help, so we all suffer. He also has an even shorter fuse now and I have learned to pass down the tradition of a short temper. I can control it to a certain extent, but I wind up hurting people in the end with my yelling.

My mother is extremely insecure and very attached to me, and I am trying to push her away because I need a little space. My younger brother is autistic and diabetic. My older brother still lives at home but does not want anything to do with the family.

A friend of mine told me she'd cut me out of her life if I didn't do something about myself. I went to counseling at my school. I had not been to counseling since 7th grade. I have been going to counseling now for almost a year, with some improvement, but every time I go home, I just regress. It gets harder and harder with every visit. I go back to school in a few days thankfully.

I know a lot of people take drugs for this but I really do not want to take drugs, and I told my counselor this. However, I am beginning to reconsider. I also think I need to seek therapy off campus and especially while home.

I do not know much more of this I can take.

Wow, from reading your story, if you weren't depressed, all that you have to contend with at home would make you depressed. Just the situation there is not good for you, if you are suffering from depression. There are meds that can help you and there is nothing wrong with taking a prescribed med from a doctor to help your depression. Depression is a disease like any other & the longer you put off treatment, the harder it is to control. Many of us fought it on our own for years then finally realized that it isn't something you can just "wish" away.
I feel sorry for your mom, it sounds like you are the one happy thing in her life right now. Try to have a bit more patience with her & not push her away. Afterall, she is stuck there in those conditions 24/7, at least you get away from it when at school.
I wish I had more advice, but most of what you have written almost seems unbelievable & very overwhelming for anyone. At least talk to a doctor & see about getting some help for you to at least cope with your mom.

Hi cup of joe,

You're like between a rock and a hard place, and the frustration you're feeling is approaching a breaking point.

I agree that you should seek counselling or therapy. If you need to be on an antidepressant/antianxiety, that could be a good thing for you. I'm on Effexor XR (75mg) and it has allowed me to think quite straight. I've been through therapy and dealt with me, as well as the anxiety through cognitive behavioural therapy.

Horders are people with obsessive compulsive disorder. I have known a few in my life. I collect a few things myself, but not obsessively, but it would be easy to get into that frame of mind.
There is an OCD board on this site...it may give you some insight to your father's behaviour. It's basically a coping mechanism to deal with stress, distress and anxiety. It's actually a vicious cycle that's difficult to break.

I don't think you'll change your dad, but what of your mom? Are you able to talk with her openly? What does she expect of you?

How responsible do you feel for your family members at this time? It's not your duty to fix the family, but you can make decisions to live within that environment without too many expectations for them to change. You can change yourself and create goals for your life and your career.

I agree that you should make a decision to do something rather than let it ride, although it does sound that you're wanting to make change. You have to be a survivor from that situation so that you are working toward your goals, but still able to find a comfortable place for your family if that's what you're wanting to do.

Guilt, responsibility and loyalty can really play with our minds and alter our lives forever.

Has your friend given you any advice that you think could lead to your making some good decisions? Why has she decided to give you an altimatum?

Seek out someone who can help you put all this into perspective. With that, you will be able to see options you've never thought before, you will feel better and be able to look at your situation realistically.

My best to you,
quincy

I feel sorry for your mom, it sounds like you are the one happy thing in her life right now. Try to have a bit more patience with her & not push her away. Afterall, she is stuck there in those conditions 24/7, at least you get away from it when at school.

My mom does have a job, but currently she only works two days a week as she searches for a new one.

As far as I am concerned, she is a lost cause. She is too insecure to leave my dad, most likey cause my younger brother goes to a special school and she would not be able to afford it on her own. Also, she was married before and probably refuses to admit she made another mistake. My dad emotionally abuses her. They fight constantly and he yells almost every time.

If this wasn't real life, I would've found someone else to live with, but in real life, no one wants the burden of another person in their household.

Has your friend given you any advice that you think could lead to your making some good decisions? Why has she decided to give you an altimatum?

My friend gave me an ultimatum because she cares so much it hurts and cannot stand to hear about me being miserable anymore. She is also an admirer. All that she had suggested was therapy really. She did say something about cleaning out the house, but I know that can have serious repercussions with a hoarder. This is not something she should handle.

I do not feel very comfortable taking about a lot of things with my mother. There are just some things we can't talk about. I also think she's still trying to tell me what's best for me, specifically women.

Joe, like it or not, from this additional information you have given us, it sounds like for you to survive right now, you need to make a break from that family & do for yourself. I see that you are saying that your mom is one of those women who stay, dispite the abuse. That in itself is hard for you to see. I admire you for holding up thru all of this, but please try to get some help for you. If you do not have insurance, you can look up county health dept. & get them to make you an appointment with a doctor. This environment reminds me of my one brother in law & sister in law, there is constant turmoil in their house due to the oldest child having some type of condition, where he constantly fights with everyone & is 20 and has the mentallity of a 5 year old. Doctors have suggested to them to put him in a program away from the home, but they won't & it is hard on the younger kids to live with that constant fighting. I'm sure they will need counselling some day, just from hearing that day in & day out.

You sound like a victim of circumstances :(

It is a sad reality that some people live.

I am not much of an advice giver at the moment, but hang in there... Medications, Therapy, Do whatever it takes...

May God Bless you with a brighter future...

Joe, like it or not, from this additional information you have given us, it sounds like for you to survive right now, you need to make a break from that family & do for yourself.

I am trying to get out, but it's not easy when you don't have a job and no one will hire you because they see you attend college at the moment. It's not like I can just run away. I'm legally an adult, and therefore would have to get my own insurance and stuff once I have the money. My father has told me a few times to get out. Recently he said go live in a car if I don't like it. I have begun preparing for the worst by cleaning out my room. (My room used to be really messy.) It is however a monumental task for me. All my money after school is going to getting the hell out of here, and maintaining my sanity, (which is a big part). I will never set foot in this house again.

It's a plan, but please do it consciously. If you do it out of anger or resentment....you will also have the extra emotional baggage. As thickman and lorij said, you are a victim of circumstance and you have yourself to preserve from that situation. Your mom "made her bed", so to say...it was and is her decision how to deal with your dad. You have to create your relationship with him.

By deciding you have a goal, put up with stuff there, create a good living environment in your bedroom where your world can be a "safe-haven" for you. That's basically what we do in the world anyway, your world is just a bit smaller in comparison.

Now, would I have been able to do this at your age? NO! My life was really chaotic at that time.....but I didn't know or understand about options either. The friendly advice I got from some people, I didn't respect enough to "get it". You have the internet and can reach out through anonymity. The advice is what it is and from what I see, consistent in the fact you have to make conscious choices and eventually, you will see the benefits.

Will they happen today, no.....will they happen next year, maybe.
If you do nothing, nothing will change....but that's not what I read from you.

You will survive this. I would have no doubts. Seek counselling because it's for YOU. Create relationships with your parents individually by understanding where they're coming from and with that understanding, you can be relieved of their responsibility. I wish I understood that in the past. But, I get that now, and can redeem myself with relationships today.

I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan. His book "Self-Matters" may be a bit help to you....or "Self-Strategies". They both have workbooks, and with your already good understanding of your situation, I think they may be of great help to you. They were to me. He speaks on a level that I believe will click with you.

Keep us posted as to how you are doing.
Wishing you the best,
quincy :wave:

I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan. His book "Self-Matters" may be a bit help to you....or "Self-Strategies". They both have workbooks, and with your already good understanding of your situation, I think they may be of great help to you. They were to me. He speaks on a level that I believe will click with you.

No offense, but I find Dr. Phil to be a load of crap. He needs to take some of his own advice, but thanks for your comments anyway.

Yes, I am truely lucky that today I can post on some message board about my problems, receiving advice from all sorts of people and manage to remain completely anonymous. If I could not remain anonymous, I know I would feel like a traitor. My brother could still be taken away by Diphus after all. Then my mother would be crushed.

I needed a push towards counseling. Sometimes that's all I need. Nothing else would've gotten me to go because I hated it. I had gone to a psychologist in 6th grade and I wouldn't tell him anything. In 7th grade I went to group counseling, and when I look back on it, it didn't really do much. I was still miserable. This primarily had to do with school though. So what my friend S did was necessary to a certain extent.

Hey, no offense taken about Dr. Phil. The sensationalism of his program (I can look past...) would definitely allow him to be open to public scrutiny and with that, the skeletons from the closets will always come out. He is blunt and to the point, but his message is the same as what I spent many hard years learning in therapy. I think for people to have a wake-up call (because they're the ones on his show) doesn't hurt. The suggestion of the book wasn't to replace any therapy or counselling. Maybe it was more for introspection. In your situation, it seems that you have a lot of healing to do, and therapy or counselling would help with that.

I'm sure that now as an adult and understanding that you have the ability to make up your mind about your future will help in your counselling. I hope you'll be able to find someone soon.

Best to you,
quincy

I am now back at school. I am so happy to be back here. :) I stopped just outside of town to eat, and I noticed I was walking upright already. I've already made an appointment with the therapist here. I don't think I need anti-depressants here, but I might at home. I do get down here but nothing like at home. Maybe I just need therapy at home. I will be looking into that over the summer for sure.

I am now back at school. I am so happy to be back here. :) I stopped just outside of town to eat, and I noticed I was walking upright already. I've already made an appointment with the therapist here. I don't think I need anti-depressants here, but I might at home. I do get down here but nothing like at home. Maybe I just need therapy at home. I will be looking into that over the summer for sure.

Glad to hear you're back at school & feeling better. Definitely sounds like your depression is situational & you may have to learn to ignore as much as you can of what goes on when you are at home. Maybe you can get a summer job, so you are not home that much to notice it all. Good luck.