:o

My ob has cleared up, my boyfriend is ready to go back to having sex, i'm terrified. I have so many fears and questions about sex after herpes.
Okay here is my question(s) what i'm about to say may be silly but i really need help.

After i was diagnosed i confronted my bf and he told me he never had any problems except on occasion he only had itchy bump or rash on the lower shaft of his penis. I remember seeing something on the lower part of his shaft that looked like a healing cut, or sore it was sort of circular, a little while ago it had been an ithcy bump he thought was an ingrown hair and scratched it leaving the cut. it is really not important who gave what to who now but it could be possible that I got it genitally from him and than gave it back to him on his lower lip. Other than the mysterious sore or healling cut on his shaft, he hasn't broken out on his penis.


I'm concerned with him breaking out on his penis (if he hasn't already) and me breaking out on my mouth, / eyes.

I'm also concerned about breaking out else where on my body.

:confused: Here are the questions:

can you get ob's on your breasts? how common is it?

where else can you possibly get an OB?

are there ways to prevent OB's in unwanted places.

are there "condoms" out there for oral sex?

are there any other forms of protection against getting OBs from intercouse, i've read the friction can cause ob's

has any one tried the female condom? i've read about that while searching the web for herpes info. funny the things you learn about AFTER the fact.
I'm interested on opinions about the FC and where you can get it.

is sex painful after an ob? is it possible to have cleared up on the out side and not the inside? How do you know if you have an internal ob?

Has any one practiced or looked into Tantra?

I'm also looking for alternative options than just sex for "closeness"

Also, he wants to just not use condoms any more i'm concerned about this for obvious reasons, (protection from him breaking out, protection from pregnancy...I'm on the pill but that's for regulating my cycle and reducing the very painful cramps i get) I realize that this is something my bf and I need to talk about very very seriously. I'mstarting to rant now so i'll end this posting here.

still there? :yawn:

okay thanks for reading. I appreciate any responses.

Hi, I can answer a few of your questions. They're not silly at all, and don't worry about making long posts. We all know how you feel and have had the same types of questions.

You can get ob's on any part of your body where the virus gets past your skin's defenses. This usually means a break in the skin, like a cut or open pimple. Mucous membranes are more delicate, so the virus tends to enter your body around your genitals and mouth. But you can get ob's in your eyes, on your breasts, on your butt, on your fingers, etc.

The way to prevent ob's in new places is to avoid touching the site during an ob, and for a few days before and after. The virus is not present everywhere, just where you get your ob's. There is viral shedding (from the same site where you get your ob's), but this happens very rarely...and my opinion is, there is much less asymptomatic shedding than supposed, and much more ignorance about the signs that indicate you are shedding. For instance--your bf may very well have it genitally where you described it, and maybe just never paid attention to it. Sometimes the symptoms of an ob can be as unnoticeable as an aching in your leg (on the side of your body where you get the ob's), or a small itchy rash that goes away quickly. That is an ob, and you are contagious, even if you don't get blisters or sores. A lot of handling herpes is learning to listen to your body.

My soulmate and I do not use condoms except when I'm fertile (I hate 'em, and think the extra friction brings on ob's), and we do have oral sex (he doesn't have h, and I have it only genitally.) We are careful not to have any kind of sex if I have any kind of symptoms or weird feelings, or even premonitions that it is not a good time. When we have sex, he immediately washes up afterwards, sudsing a lot for at least 20 seconds (we use Neutrogena to be gentler on his skin.) So far this method has worked great for us. We have a great sex life and don't feel we have given up anything.

When we can't have sex, we like to massage shoulders, feet, backs, legs; we snuggle in bed and talk and laugh; we read each other poetry (not schmaltz; poems like "Song of the Open Road" by Whitman or "Renascence" by Edna St Vincent Millay); we do progressive relaxation together; we love to take long walks in the woods and talk the whole time; we scratch each others backs; we read books together (although that's more me than him.) Of course, we go out to eat and to movies and, ok, we like to go to thrift stores; that's a pretty hot date for us! Something we've been doing recently is listening to some audiotapes of Garrison Keillor's "Lake Wobegon" stories.

You can almost always feel fairly safe using your hands on each other sexually if you don't have cracked skin and don't bite your fingernails, and wash your hands well afterwards. I still would not do this during an ob (to me, they're too painful anyway.) Being successful and sexy at this requires a lot of communication (a little slower...softer...faster...etc) and sometimes moving each other's hands around--and there are lots of taboos and inhibitions about that. But it's great when you get to know someone well enough to talk them through it. Or not to need talking through it.

Once the sores are healed, the pain is gone. Actually, I'm usually out of pain for a few days before I feel it's safe to have sex, so I'm very much ready for it. The key to not spreading it is to be patient, don't rush, be careful (though not paranoid--let yourself enjoy it when it's gone!)

Can't answer any other questions. Hope I helped a little. You know that we can give you advice, but you all have to work it out together, and you have to be comfortable with your lifestyle.

I thought I felt a little latent fear that he might not be as responsible as you about noticing symptoms? Or being as careful as you are not to spread it? It takes a lot of trust. Have you been together long enough to trust him completely?

Back packer, that's a heck of a reply and informative for me as well, thanks a bunch.
you mentioned a few days after you weren't in pain from your OB, but My OB never hurt to begin with, the actual sores don't hurt at all, save one. So igess i should give it a week or so eh, before i engage in any sexual activities? mines more of a slight burn and sensitive skin. I gotta admit i'm a littleparanoid about going down on my girlfriend since we both only have it genitally. I dig your posts a lot backpacker, because the thing i'm afraid of most is that my GF and I will break up and then i'll never find someone else because i have this or have sex again. lol has anyone else noticed a serious lack of appetite with H ???

I'm very paranoid about getting it in other places on my body, especially my eyes and mouth. I think my dh and I must've caught a very strong strain because we have obs often, really huge blisters too. I did get herpes on my finger and also on my armpit. Before I even knew it was herpes, I shaved my pubic hair, rinsed the razor, and shaved my armpits. That's how I got it. Apparently rinsing something doesn't get rid of herpes---you have to throw the object away. Learned my lesson though. The ob on my armpit has left a permanent brown circle. It's really strange...I'm also paranoid about putting my contact lenses on since I have herpes on my finger, which sucks cause I have to wear glasses all the time now. But anyway you can get herpes on your breasts, but not sure how common it is though. As long as you wash your hands asap you should be fine. I think it's a lot more difficult for women than men to immediately wash their genitals, as we have been told that using soap down there is a no-no. My gyno told me never to use soap or douche, only wash it with water. I think not using soap is how I ended up with genital herpes. But as far as protecting ourselves from re-infection down there, I'm still at a loss because doctors don't offer me too much information.
Condoms do irritate me and cause obs. I don't think there's any other protection out there.
(are there "condoms" out there for oral sex?) There are what's called Dental dams for oral sex. It covers a lot, and will protect your bf from the disease.
I've never tried the female condom. It looks painful to insert, and, inflate if you will. As far as where to get it, I have no clue but your doc should know. :)
My dh and I are experts at "outercourse". lol! We massage each other, use flavored oils, make each other breakfast in bed, go cd shopping, go to museums, go out to dinner (we share our meals - literally cutting everything in half and switching foods) ;), we know what each other likes as far as hobbies and buy gifts so they can enjoy.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments. It's so nice to know there are people very supportive of this. :) I learn so much from everyone!!!!! :D

Serialnovelist--thanks for your kind words. What I meant to say was that I waited about 24 hrs after being unable to see any sign whatsoever of an ob to have sex, and so course by then I'd be out of pain for several days. Making me, well, eager for sex. Good for you if you feel little pain!

You know, I just never had trouble with guys being afraid of getting h. I just told them what I would do to protect them. I've mentioned that one guy didn't want to go for it, but he stayed my friend. I really think that most people of quality understand the risks you take any time you have sex, and look farther into a person than that. The trick is to find people of quality--which, really, is what you want anyway!

l'trimm, I was moved by your story. There really are weak and strong strains out there. I have an older, weaker strain.

I think that you can re-use objects if you allow them to dry thoroughly, but that's hard with a double (or triple) razor--the air doesn't circulate well. I quit shaving quite a few years ago ( I hate the way big business has brainwashed women into thinking they need to spend gobs of money on all these products to be beautiful--we are beautiful just as we are!--but don't take me wrong; every woman--or man--is entitled to do anything she--or he!--likes to feel good about herself.) so I don't have that problem. I do make sure to use my washcloth down below last; then I hang it to dry. I also dry there last with my towel. And I wash with Neutrogena for dry skin.

I love your word "outercourse!" Sounds like you have a great relationship.

Thanks for your posts thay were really infomative.
Recently, I read that you can get obs internally and that kind of freaked me out a little i guess, what if i had them in there and didn't know, (I was sick after all) what if there not not healed yet, I'm just freaking out i guess.

Backpacker: Thanks a lot I'll definately keep what you say in mind about the massages, and the info you've been sharing me has helped me a great deal. I'm not so sure about condoms now either, becasue i've been reading these boards and there are a few people who say they cause obs, besides that i'm one of the 1% of women who cannot use spermicidal condoms, perhaps if we used those i wouldn't have this now in the first place. last night my bf said he wants to continue to use condoms, so I guess he is on an emotional roller coaster too. I do remember not too long ago seeing a spot on his shaft, and yesterday i looked on a website for pictures of obs to see if i would see one like mine...and his (I still he think he gave it too me, I'm not hollering or fighting, stuff happens but I just know he gave to me, I'm not ready to let that go yet. i will eventually, but not yet.) I'm thinking mine was pretty minor. after seeing those photos. and I did see a picture that looked similar to the little "glazed" over spot i saw on my BF, though the spot in the picture looked a lot bigger. like i said before he thought it was a hair bump or a little irritation from a condom. and i confessed i am becoming or have become VERY paranoid. (i wish I was more paranoid before) We, my bf and i have been toghether for 10 months, and trust didn't use to be an issue, he's been great, even now after this. But i do have issues now, for one thing he doesn't want me to tell my mother or grand mother. I can understand why, I wouldn't want him to tell his mother either...but, it kind of made me wonder if he knew? but on the other hand his reaction and actions seem like someone who didn't have a clue. so...

i'trimm: I like you word "outercourse" too, i think i'll use it when i talk to my bf tonight. Valentines is comming and we were supose to be going away though we are very late reserving a room anywhere and they all seem to be booked. I was a little worried about expectations you know, what if i had an ob and what if i didn't, Not to get too personal but this guy has the libido of a rutting bull and originally that was not a bad thing but, now, I think slowing down the pace and incorporating more "outercourse" either way will help my bf and I a lot. at least it will help me get back into the swing of things a lot easier.

I've heard about OB's on breasts--I think it is rare. Yes, there are flavored condoms for oral sex. I've heard the female condom is supposed to offer more coverage than a regular condom. The only way to lessen the likelihood of more transmission is by using condoms and suppressive therapy and not having sex during OB's.


:o

My ob has cleared up, my boyfriend is ready to go back to having sex, i'm terrified. I have so many fears and questions about sex after herpes.
Okay here is my question(s) what i'm about to say may be silly but i really need help.

After i was diagnosed i confronted my bf and he told me he never had any problems except on occasion he only had itchy bump or rash on the lower shaft of his penis. I remember seeing something on the lower part of his shaft that looked like a healing cut, or sore it was sort of circular, a little while ago it had been an ithcy bump he thought was an ingrown hair and scratched it leaving the cut. it is really not important who gave what to who now but it could be possible that I got it genitally from him and than gave it back to him on his lower lip. Other than the mysterious sore or healling cut on his shaft, he hasn't broken out on his penis.


I'm concerned with him breaking out on his penis (if he hasn't already) and me breaking out on my mouth, / eyes.

I'm also concerned about breaking out else where on my body.

:confused: Here are the questions:

can you get ob's on your breasts? how common is it?

where else can you possibly get an OB?

are there ways to prevent OB's in unwanted places.

are there "condoms" out there for oral sex?

are there any other forms of protection against getting OBs from intercouse, i've read the friction can cause ob's

has any one tried the female condom? i've read about that while searching the web for herpes info. funny the things you learn about AFTER the fact.
I'm interested on opinions about the FC and where you can get it.

is sex painful after an ob? is it possible to have cleared up on the out side and not the inside? How do you know if you have an internal ob?

Has any one practiced or looked into Tantra?

I'm also looking for alternative options than just sex for "closeness"

Also, he wants to just not use condoms any more i'm concerned about this for obvious reasons, (protection from him breaking out, protection from pregnancy...I'm on the pill but that's for regulating my cycle and reducing the very painful cramps i get) I realize that this is something my bf and I need to talk about very very seriously. I'mstarting to rant now so i'll end this posting here.

still there? :yawn:

okay thanks for reading. I appreciate any responses.

Some ways--not the only ways. Otherwise, my soulmate would have it, since we don't use condoms (and do have oral sex) and I've never been on suppressive therapy. We never have sex, however, if I feel anything unusual at all. And then we wash up. Always. Immediately after. And...maybe taking and eating lots of garlic (both of us) counts, too. Anyway, just wanted to say that not everything is known about this disease, and, as Mr. Spock said, "There are always alternatives."

this is a great thread and it's really full of useful information thanks to the people who posted. People with H believe that there sex life is over because of this virus and this post proves it's not, you have to find the right person and right now i envy backpackers relationship, where can i find one like that? that one sounds great.
The question i keep asking myself is how i would feel in the other persons shoes and accepting whatever risk may be involved. So far the washing up thing and the valtrex has worked for me and i've managed not to spread the H anywhere else, and haven't had my second outbreak yet. Trimm your post was also very informative thank you very much.

We met--guess how--backpacking.

backpacker, I was just curious about what you said about an older, weaker strain?I did'nt know there was a difference. My fiance contracted herpes about 22 years ago and does not have many outbreaks... I heard the shedding does not happen as much the longer you have it. Have you heard this? I am negative and worry about getting h when trying to get pregnant. Any suggestions? thank you!

No, I have no information on this, just conjecture. As we all know, viruses mutate--that's how we got AIDS, and that's why you can never lick the cold virus--not only are there lots of different cold viruses, but they are constantly changing. So I imagine there are different strains of herpes, and that they have changed over the years. What some people in good health here on this board describe does not at all seem like what I have except in the most general way. Doesn't really matter, though. We still have to deal with it, each as individuals.

I've always figured that there were different strains too, BP. I've not read much on that specific subject, but it must be the case. There have got to be strains that are mellower than others. But I wonder... is there anyone here who has a really hard time with their OBs (frequent, ultra-painful, or lots or locations) who's partner doesn't have nearly as hard of a time?(0r vice versa)
I'm just wondering how much depends on strain, and how much on diet, excercise, and simply the individual.

But I wonder... is there anyone here who has a really hard time with their OBs (frequent, ultra-painful, or lots or locations) who's partner doesn't have nearly as hard of a time?(0r vice versa)
I'm just wondering how much depends on strain, and how much on diet, excercise, and simply the individual.

Moving finally a question i can totally answer my X girlfriend the one who gave me this has it very painful, she breaks out everywhere, intenal, external, all over. She's had a very hard time with it. Last i heard the Ob would go away for a few days and then come right back. I think she's been almost constantly broken out. She finally decided to try some supplements i suggested, the ones i read about on the board and they've seemed to help slightly,but she's always stressed out from other things like work, and taking care of her son, our breakup, and reconciling with her X and now getting married in two months. I heard she had it very, very bad. She's taking double the amount of Valtrex most people take.

I on the other hand had one fairly bad breakout, the first one, which had maybe 6 sores total, was not painful at all, except for lower back pain for a few days. the outbreak took a lot longer than i thought to go away and since it went away i haven't had another one, only some prodrome symptoms, but not an actual breakout. I'm taking half the dose of Valtrex like a maintenance therapy thing.

I think it all depends on the person, how healthy they were before they got it, and how healthy they keep thierselves. Certain people are just more prone to certain things than others. you can two people with the exact same diet and onewill be prone to kidney stones and one won't ever get kidney stones.
I guess it all just depends on a persons system. there's lot of theories i'm sure, enviroment, where they live, weather, diet, exercise, family history, medical history, metabolism, who knows there's far too many factors. Hope this helps your curiosity :D