I am in a down mood today. I slept 12 hours, which is bad for me, but I just didn't want to get out of bed. I made myself run the vacuum and go to the drugstore, but I don't want to do anything. I'm sick of the tremor from my lithium and sick of not feeling good. I mean, I don't feel as bad as I did a few months ago, but I don't feel good! I don't have a feeling of well-being or a feeling of security that everything's going to be alright. I'm really frustrated and angry that I have to deal with this disease every day. I'm pi$$ed that the person I once was seems to be dead and never coming back. When I went on lithium 2 months ago I felt really hopeful that this was going to be the answer, and in some ways it was, but d@mmit, I just want to feel good! I feel like this disease is cheating me out of myself and my normal way of life! Am I just not giving the lithium enough time, or is this the way the rest of my life is going to be?

Yeah, but I try not to forget that my "normal" way of life was deep depression, out of control mania, messed up relationships, and never knowing how I was going to feel next week....
Keep saying over and over..." It is wooooorth it.... It is woooooorth it"!!!!

I've been on lithium for 20 yrs, and I still have my ups, and more like downs lately. I slept from 4am til 2pm the other day! I don't like to get up because it seems I have nothing to do but worry about what I should do. There were times in the past when I had a partime job, and I had plans that worked out ect. And the lithium helped me to be stable. I think that we all have ups and downs with the Bipolar, and with my experience with lithium, I felt great after the first few yrs of taking it. My ups and downs weren't so bad. Just lately I'm on an alltime low, but I know the low isn't as bad as a high, so there is some confidence that the low will go away.The rest of your life will have some ,downs, ups, and stability, and wellbeing.. I hope you feel better soon :)

I feel like this disease is cheating me out of myself and my normal way of life! Am I just not giving the lithium enough time, or is this the way the rest of my life is going to be?

I know that feeling all too well... I am not on any BP meds, but my depression nails be against the wall, or my "disorder" (whatever the heck it is) drives me insane...

I dislike waking up and not feeling "optimal" or even "decent"... Today I woke up and felt like a truck hit me... Not much I can do about it except grin and bear it :yawn:

Hang in there...

Brighter days will come as well as Darker days... It's how we GET THROUGH is what counts...

1 day @ a time...

Thanks for the support, guys. How is it I can say so much supportive stuff to others, but I can't seem to say it to myself? I guess I just get "tunnel vision" and all I can see is how bad I feel right then.
I still feel pretty bad, but maybe not AS bad as yesterday. This morning I was really wondering if I should call my psych, but I didn't and right now I think I can make it through to my next appointment (next Tuesday). We'll see what tomorrow brings. What I would really like is a short vacation from everything, but that's not gonna happen. Thank god I have support group tonight so I can vent a little bit to others. Anyway, thanks again.

weasel:
I actually just replied to another post about lithium, so here is the link (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showpost.php?p=843463&postcount=4) to that post. I had problems with Lithium also. I felt like it drowned me out and felt heavy and emotionally muted on it. Oh yeah, high blood pressure too. When I first started taking it though, it was a godsend. One of the best things that's ever happened to me. After a couple years is when I started really not liking it... so I stopped taking it. :nono:

As I say in the other post, talk to your psych about alternatives. Write down specifically what your problems are with it so that you can lay it out and not forget anything. Anything is better than going off meds! I had a really hard time accepting that I have a lifetime condition for which I'll probably have to take meds every day (barring the possibility that someone might actually fund some BP research & make a breakthrough). I've tried Lithium & Depakote, and I'm now on Lamictal, which is really gentle, although it doesn't work on some people. I also take Wellbutrin, because the Lamictal works more long-term and agains the severe depressive bouts, but wasn't keeping my day-to-day well-being steady. I felt beaten-down and disheartened still, perhaps something like u2fran is going through right now.

Things get better, though. If you can get on a routine schedule, it'll help contribute to feelings of general well-being. I'm sure you've also heard this, but exercise plays a huge part of helping you feel good. Not only does it remove cortisol from your system, which causes stress and anxiety and stuff, but it makes you feel like you've accomplished something. Don't get discouraged! Life gets better, and you will live a relatively normal life if you keep on top of the illness. Remember that if you start to slip, don't avoid it, confront it.

Ruth: I'm right with you there... sounds like my "normal" self too. It sucks that it often takes some crazy stuff like that to make it click that no matter what, medication is better than the alternative. Especially the feeling like a different person every day, not being able to understand your mindset or choices from the day before.

Wobbly:

I don't want to oversimplify here, but it is possible that lithium just isn't right for you. Docs tend to try it 1st just because it has been around forever. The fact is it works great for some people, and is not tolerated by the rest of the bipolar population. For some of it simply does not work and/or to get it to the effective dosage the side effects are miserable (hence the trembling). I was diangnosed BP at 15 or 16, and have been tried on lithium 3 times, every time I became "toxic"...even on 3000 mg a day...which wasn't even close to enough to control ,my moods. Even if your blood level comes back ok, if the side effects are bothersome enough to effect your mood, I would consider talking to your doc about trying anohter mood stabilizer. There are a lot of choices out there, and I bet there's one that might work better for you.

As far as the whole "dealing w/this disease for the rest of your life issue" goes, that is so much more complicated. I still struggle with that on and off because there is no clear answer. It sucks to have to deal with any disease w/the rest of your life, I know. I also know that it won't always be as bad as it is right now. Hang in there,


Angie