Hey
How are you? I just wanted to see how you were and stuff. Are you feeling any better than you were before? How is your job going? Hope everything is going ok and you are feeling a little more positive
Lots of love
Roxie xXx

Roxie, you are so sweet to think of me. Thankyou so much!
Well truthfully I am not doing that well. I am stressed out so much with my new job that I am treating myself worse than ever. And I think it has almost cost me a very dear friend. You see she can't understand why I am not taking her advice, and she is at the point of giving up on me. I don't want to lose her, but I can't get professional help yet. I am a loser, I know that, but I can't help how I feel.
I am eating a little bit, usually no more than 200 cals. But I am purging a lot of that. I am so confused. I do want help, but I don't want to give up my ed. Crazy or what.
Anyway, how are you doing? Has anything changed since our last messages? Are the anti depressants working? Let me know how you are. Hope you are still fighting back, don't give up.
Take care, hugs from Aurora xoxo :wave:

Hi there Roxie and Aurora :D

Aurora you need to go back and read the post you just wrote to me and take your own advice! :nono: Hehe, no I don't want to be judgemental and I do know what it feels like to be in your possition, I just hate hearing of other people having to go through this horrible illness when I know how depressing and miserable and lonely it is.

Aurora, I don't really post here much anymore but I do still visit these boards at times and you are honestly one of the kindest, most helpful member here. You're ALWAYS offering advice and encouragement and I only hope we can do the same for you. You're am awesome person and you deserve so much better than this!

I hope you do decide to get help. Does anyone that you are close to know what you're going through? If not that may be a good place to start? :) I know it's hard though because I've been there and I could never tell ANYONE what was going on... It's a struggle but you'll get through it in the end!

Take care of yourself,
Ashlee

Dear Aurora
I am sorry to hear you are not feeling too good, and that your job is stressing you out. I am sure when you get more settled in it will be easier though. Now, you are certainly not a loser, and I am sure your friend does not think you are either. Admitting you need professional help is a really difficult thing to do, and it's even harder to go and get it, but you will be able to do it at some point, I really think you will. And you do know you have a problem, and need help, it is just a matter of taking the next step and finding help. I completely understand about not wanting to lose your ED in a way, it makes perfect sense to me! It's like, if I eat chocolate and am sick after that it's fine because I am not going to put on weight, ok it's not an ideal solution, but it's something. And I know that whatever happens I am still going to want and eat chocolate or sweets or crisps or whatever, because that's what I am like, and so it scares me that if I do get better and stop purging after eating things like that, I will just put weight on, which is kind of why I don't feel able to stop. I think everyone here must understand why you are feeling like you can't give it up, even though you know you need to.

I am ok thanks, I have been very up and down lately. I did think the ADs were starting to work, but now I seem to have gone back to where I was, this last week. Even though I have been sleeping better I am so exhausted the whole time, and I don't really know why. Fell asleep in a lesson last week briefly! Also sort of started hyper-ventilating in the same lesson, and had to leave the class for a while, and I have no idea why that was. I wasn't feeling any more stressed or panicky than normal, and from what I have heard, they seem to be the normal reasons. So anyway, haven't been too good the last few days, but hopefully I will feel a bit happier soon. I have an appointment to go back to my doctor next monday which I am really looking forward to :confused: Hopefully it will be better than last time though, maybe he will have time to actually find out what the problem is this time! Anyway, how are you feeling?

Speak soon
Loads of love
Roxie xXx

Hi roxie and Aurora
Im not feeling too great either at the moment so i guess we're all kind of there right now.,but im still sad to hear you are both down .
Aurora PLEASE dont ever call yourself a loser. You are DEFINETELY not. you seem like a lovely person who is struggling with a horrible ED at the moment and we all understand how debilitating that can be. Dont put yourself down. You dont deserve it.
Take care both of you
Nikkitaxxx

Hiya all. Thankyou so much for taking time to write to me. I was so amazed to see all the replies were for me! :D

Ashlee.- Hi how are you doing today? Feeling stronger? Keep going, you know it can't beat you. Thanks very much for your kind words too, I just love trying to give a bit of support when people are down :)
I also know that I am a hypocrite who gives out advice then ignores it herself! :confused:
Anyway, yeah I have told my husband a bit about my problems and one friend. As I said to Roxie, I am scared that my friend is giving up on me now because I am too scared to get help like she suggests.
Maybe one day soon...... mm we shall see!
Hows that horse of yours doing? Have you seen any potentials in your search for a new one?

Roxie.- You are so right that everyone here knows exactly what I mean about not wanting to give my ed up, even though I am physically in a bad way now because of it!
You know some AD's can make you feel sleepier. Check the list of side effects. ED's make you sleepy too though because you often don't have a good balance of vitamins and nutrients. I have been exhausted lately too, but then I have been working 13hours a day at work and not eating much. Also I have been so careful not to let my controlled exterior slide when I am at work. I can't risk letting my patients or my colleagues realise how messed up I am. But that is mentally and physically exhausting just keeping up the act! :yawn:
This time when you see the doctor make sure you tell him how bad you are feeling, mentally and physically, he needs to treat this more professionally. And if you have been having breathing issues he should at least check your blood levels are normal. Don't let him fob you off with only AD's they are not a solution, they are only to help along the way.

Nikkita.- I am sorry you are still feeling bad too at the moment. How have you been feeling physically? Any more chest pain? What about your bloods, have they taken any more to monitor you? I hope you are at least physically not so bad as you were before. Keep your chin up sweetie, you can do this. :)

Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and the time you have taken to write to me. Keep fighting, we cannot let the ed's beat us. There is more to life and more to us than how much we eat and how much we weigh!

Take care of yourselves.
Hugs and kisses from Aurora xoxoxo

Hi again, Aurora :)

Yes I'm feeling better today - had a really good day actually, but don't you try to change the subject from yourself to any of us, missy! :nono: :p But thank you for asking all the same.

The thing about telling friends is that sometimes it can scare them off. I lost a good friend once because of my eating disorder, but a lot of them stood right by me! And I never actually told any of my friends about my ED at the time but I guess it was pretty obvious. The truth is you need all the support you can get and although it may seem unfair that your friend isn't really standing by you, it's most likely to be that she's scared for you! I know I was when three (yes THREE) of my friends went through their own bouts of depression and eating disorders. :( I felt like there was nothing I could say that would make them feel better.

Maybe you need to talk to your friend again to discuss this. Tell her you don't want to hurt her by not taking her advice and getting professional help, but you're too scared at the moment to make the first move. Tell her that you need her friendship and that her support really means a lot to you, and that you WILL get help one day when YOU feel the time is right. (Maybe tomorrow?? :D )

As for my horse, he's having the time of his life, he spends the entire day EATING! I do ride him occassionally but I've lost so much confidence on him as he bucks every time I ride him. I have found two other horses - a mare and a gelding - that I am interested in but they are both quite young (5 yrs and 8 yrs) and I would have to travel quite a way to see them. How about you? Are you looking for a horse right now? I better stop on this subject before I get told off! :nono:

Take care, Aurora! And DON'T give up on yourself!!

Ashlee

Hi Aurora
I dont think im any worse physically, havent had any more blood work done, but mentally i feel im deterioting fast. i feel so unstable and capable of anything right now and it scares me stupid!Still, tomorrows another day.
thanks for caring
nikkitaxxx

Hiya :wave:
Oh how I do love these smilies!

Ashlee - I read both your post here and on your topic. I am so happy that you have been feeling a bit better. Good stuff!
The thing with my friend is that I cannot imagine life without her. I mean she is so special that she was an integral part of our wedding day. She seems to be distancing herself from me a bit. She says she can't watch me do this to myself and let me refuse professional help. But it isn't her that has to do it. It isn't her who has to feel like fraud because surely I am too fat to get help.
I am sorry you lost a friend over your ed, that must have really hurt. And having three friends with eds must have been tricky. Do you think you helped each other or do you think it kind of made you worse?
I am sorry your horse is misbehaving, but don't let that knock your confidence. Buy yourself a sensible horse and get yourself back into things again. Riding is one of lifes most wonderful gifts and you should be able to do it everyday for the sake of your soul! Hehe! Not that I am biased or anything.

Nikkita - You know you really have been having a rough time of it lately, haven't you? Have you considered asking your doctor to recommend a day clinic you can go to. One of those where you are a day patient, but come back in the evening. I think you need to step up your treatment because you have been sounding really down lately. And also you have had some very concerning blood results and stuff. Think about it anyway. I know it is hard but it sounds like you are really struggling at the moment, so why not give it a shot? Things will get better, I have every faith in your ability to beat this. You deserve to be free of this, and one day soon I hope you will.

Hugs to all,
Aurora xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hi

How is everyone feeling today? I am pissed off because I am singing in a concert tonight, and I have a really sore throat, and I know it's my own fault for sticking my fingers down my throat, and now I am not going to sound too good when I sing. Anyway, enough about that!

I know exactly what you mean about presenting a controlled front, that is exactly what I do, and you're right, it is exhausting. When you just feel so so terrible, and just want to be alone, it is difficult pretending everything is absolutely fantastic. But somehow it is still easier than letting everybody know what is going on. I am still exhausted, and have also been quite dizzy and had quite a lot of headaches recently, and I checked the list of side effects, and they are all there. I have also been having really bizarre dreams lately, and I don't usually dream at all, and apparently this is another side effect! I think I will come off them when I go back to my doctors, because I don't feel like they are making me any better, and I can't cope with being this tired the whole time; it is completely draining me. Just need to decide whether I want to come off them completely or just switch to a different type. I am now going to the doctors on friday instead, and I am actually seeing a different doctor; my appointment for monday was with the doctor I saw before, but I realised it is my nephew's birthday and I am going to see him, so I had to cancel it. I was unable to make another appointment with that doctor before my medication runs out, so I had to book an appointment with a different doctor, and hopefully it won't matter.

Please look after yourself
Lots of love
Roxie xXx :angel:

Hi Roxie,
How was the concert? I bet you were great. :)
It could be a blessing in disguise that you will be seeing a diferent doctor, maybe they will provide you with better treatment such as counselling etc. Your other doctor was not terribly helpful was he?
Sounds lke you aren't getting on well with those particular AD's so it is good you are seeing the doctor so he can reevaluate their effectiveness on you. Maybe he can change you to another type.
Good luck for your appointment anyway.
Take good care of yourself sweetie.
Hugs from Aurora xo :bouncing:

The concert was ok actually, better than I was expecting. I know I could have done better, but the audience laughed quite a lot and seemed to enjoy it, so it was ok. How are you anyway? You are very good at turning threads around so they are about all of us and not you anymore!
Lots of love
Roxie xXx

Hi Roxie
How did it go? I have been thinking of you today. It was today your appt was, wasn't it? Hope you got some progress from it.
Yeah I thought I was doing a good job of turning the thread round. But if you actually want to know about me then all I can say is I am not treating me well. I am taking diet pills now, ipecac if I eat, and laxatives. I am getting about 100 calories in me, but they don't stay in if I can help it. I am physically deteriorating. My breathing hurts, I am suffering chest pains, I am lightheaded, my skin is dry, i have stomach cramps all the time. And it is all my own fault. Oh and despite surpassing my goal weight by miles I am still fat and ugly. Cheery day or what!
Please tell me you had a good day today.
Hugs always from Aurora xoxo