Hi,

I don't think many people here remember me but I used to post here a LOT when I was going through the worst of my own eating disorder - anorexia which then turned into bulimia. I have been pretty much recovered, or at least recovering the entire year of 2003 and worked so hard to get better. I've just recently been to see my doctor to get another perscription for my anti depressants and of course, she had to go and weigh me there. I freak out when I see how much I've gained. :( I still just can't be NORMAL. I worked out my BMI since which is now 18 - whereas it used to be 14.5 around my lowest point. I'm so miserable and I feel like such a loser. I constantly convince myself that everybody hates me, that I'm ugly and I'm worthless. When driving home from work today I wanted so badly to just drive my car off the side of the road and have everything over with but I'm such a coward I couldn't even do that. I'm scared the whole world hates me. I don't know why I get thoughts like that so often but I do. :( I haven't eated in two days but don't feel any better. I don't feel like I've lost any weight at all. I hate feeling like the world's biggest loser all the time I'm so sick and tired of it all...

Thanks anyone who "listened"...

Ashlee

Hi Ashlee,
Are you the Ashlee who loves horse? If so we talked before.
Anyway don't be down, a couple of bad days doesn't mean it is all going to happen again. I have to go to work now but when I am back I will write you a proper reply.
Take care,
Hugs from Aurora xo :bouncing:

Hi Aurora

Yes I'm the same Ashlee you talked to a while ago. :) Thanks for the response. I just worry I guess. How do I know it's not going to start all over again? Sometimes all I want again is to be thin, I don't know why. Nobody liked me any better that way but at least I felt as though I had control over something in my life. I just feel like this huge outcast that should never have been born. :(

Thanks again,
Ashlee

Hi Ash,
I know what you are going through sweetie. It is hard to overcome the desire to be thin. I think it was quite irresponsible of them to weigh you and let you see your current weight. It is hard to accept that you are not as light as you once were. But think about it one step further please - you decided to beat this disease before and that was for a reason. Presumably you realised that it was not making you any happier, not dealing with your issues, not making you the most popular girl in town, or whatever it was that you longed for.
What it was actually doing was slowly killing you. A BMI of 14.5 is so dangerous. I bet you could barely do any thing around your horse then, eh? You muscles must have been in atrophy, wasting away. The most important muscle in your body is your heart muscle. If you lose weight to such an extent again then you will cause permanent damage to your heart, amongst other things!
You decided to fight this for you and only you. You would not have been able to have come so far along the path to recovery if you had been doing it for anyone else. You know this.
Try to make a list, an honest one, about why you started to treat yourself better. Add that to the list of all the things you still want from life. Add them both to the list of what keeps you happy however bad things get, like your horse!
Then write yourself a list of the things that are left on these lists if you choose to go back down that lonely road, I bet you will miss out on a lot if you go through it all again.
Don't snuff out all your potential and all the fun that awaits you. You are so precious. You only have one life, I don't want you to end it regretting what you missed. When you are old I want you to be able to look back and be so thankful that you made the decision to fight, to live another day. I want you to be able to feel no regrets about the life you had.
And most of all I want you to embrace the life you had before, including all the bad bits, and know that without all of this you would not be the Ashlee you are today. It has been a hard road to walk, I know that, but you have emerged a more understanding person at the end of it.
You know what else Ashlee, it is people like you, who have chosen to fight back, that are my inspiration. When I try looking for the way back along the lonely road I have taken with my ed, I feel you are all there guiding me back. You have the ability to help that no doctor could ever give. You demonstrate with your own life how it is possible to choose to be better to yourself.
I can't say there will be a day when you won't ever feel the urge again, but I can say that there is a day out there when you will see that it just your ed trying to lie to you again. Don' listen to its whispers, they are not the real you. The real you wants peace, nourishment, fun. Let the real Ashlee tell the ed to **** off.
Do you still have counselling because it may be good to try some more, just as a helping hand. Anti depressants alone don't solve the problem, they too are just to help.
And one last thing, you can't claim the worlds biggest loser throne because I claimed it already :p
Take care, give your horse a hug from me, and post soon.
Hugs from Aurora xo :bouncing:

Hi there, Aurora. :) Sorry I didn't reply yesterday I didn't really know what to say! :p You're so kind to write out such a long reply to me! Especially when you don't even know who I am! :)

To be honest I think it's irresponsible too that they show me my weight when they weigh me. Because if they do it to me I guess they do it to every other anorexic or bulimic they weigh there - although at the time I was being weighed every week I was told I was the only one (I do live in a SMALL place!). When I was at my worst and going there weekly to be weighed I was able to see what my weight was every time - which kind of defeats the whole purpose of my mum hiding the scale on me!

Presumably you realised that it was not making you any happier, not dealing with your issues, not making you the most popular girl in town, or whatever it was that you longed for.

Actually, I never cared much about being the "most popular". I knew I never would be and it didn't really bother me. What bothered me is how ugly I always thought I was (and still does) and how it seems that next to NO ONE likes me. I've learnt since that thinking that way all the time only lowers your own confidence and will make you more and more shy and reclusive.

To answer your question, no I no longer go to counselling. I haven't in over a year now except one visit a few months ago when I became deeply depressed again. But I don't have the time to go back there as I work now. I didn't really like going anyhow. It was always the same old routine when I was there and we never really seemed to get anywhere. And back then I was far too shy to say anything I was feeling anyhow!

Thanks again for your caring reply, Aurora. And I know what you mean about "recovered people" being a real inspiration. Through HealthBoards I have made so many great friends in the past who were also recovered and they were so much help you wouldn't believe it! I'd love to be able to be one of those people now if I could. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like I'm recovered, just still fighting... who knows!!

Take care of yourself!

Ashlee :D

:( Ashlee...it has been such a long time.......I'm sorry for not being here for you earlier. I feel really hypocritical when I give advice to anyone here coz it's kinda like 'hmm.....look who's talking??! Dont ya think you should listen to your own advice'. But, anyways.... 14.5 is seriously seriously low..and even at 18 you are still very much underweight. I know it's difficult to see that you aren't pathetic or anything ...nothing is your fault....your mind has completely taken over you in every single way. I didn't realise it was this bad....I honestly didn't. I doubt that anyone hates you either...coz I think your such an amazing person who is so easy to warm to. I know that EDs change your personality......they kind of 'mask' your own personality and self, but again...you're not to blame for that. I want to offer you all my support...but I will never be able to do more then reply to your responses. If you ever want to text me/write to me or anythin..i could always support u in that way.

How long did u spend in therapy (i dunno what it is called). It takes such a long time to recover....when Im alone...I often feel like I have nothing to fall back on..Like...my best friend 'cant cope' seeing me 'suffer'..and I feel like 'well, Im never gonna be happy then, am I??'. Alot of people do give u a hard time and speculate on you (which also doesnt help'.........Im not sure what Im trying to say at the end of this...i just wanted to let u know I am here (as always) and that I care so much about u.

Loadsa love,

Carolinexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi, Caroline!!! :bouncing:

It's great to hear from you! I was getting worried about you with you disappearing like that! :nono: :D I'm glad you're back.

To answer your question, I was in therapy for a few months under a year. I had to stop going because when the school year ended in November 2002, I got a full time job and have been there since. I can hardly go to therapy sessions with a job besides the fact that I wouldn't WANT to. I didn't like going there. I would have had to stop going there anyway as they only counsel kids under 17 if you're no longer in school.

Anyway, don't worry about me. I'm fine! Just making a big fuss over nothing. Sure, the thoughts will always be there, but that's the case with the majority of people who are recovering from ED's. The thoughts might always be there but they will get less over time. Sometimes something just 'sparks' it and you feel like you're back at square one which is how I felt, but I'm not. :) I've been though it and it ain't gonna happen again! :D

You're an awesome friend, Caroline! I've known you for so long and you really are a great person! And just being able to talk to you on here and offer each other support is one of the greatest things ever. Personally, I think it's good that we don't "know" each other, that we're only online buddies, as it's so much easier to talk to someone that you've never met. :) You can share a lot more I think.

Anyway, that's enough about me - tell me how you've been while you've been away! I missed you a lot! I hope you've been doing okay, Caroline.

Take care!
Ashlee

Hi Ashlee!! :wave:

It's been a while since I've been around these parts of the world (wide web). I hope things are getting better and easier for you since you posted this thread!! I just wanted to let you know I saw it and hope things are better!!! :D

talk to you soon

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hi Sarah!!!

I just replied to your thread you posted on this forum too - but I'll say it again! It's SOOOOO good to hear from you!!! :bouncing: :D I honestly have just missed you so much. You and Caroline are are the two people I have known the longest here and you're such great friends to have online!

Yes, I am doing much better since I began this post. I guess I just went through a small 'bought' of that good old depression that we all get sometimes. Nothing major. And I have again taken up running and swimming as will soon begin kick boxing to make me feel okay about eating normally. Nothing over the top though, just a few times a week so I stay healthy and don't get obsessed about it! And I'll be leaving for Australia not too long from now so that will take my worry off my weight. So really, I'm doing pretty well. :)

Now please tell me about YOU! How have you been these past... uhh... 6 months?? I don't know - you've been gone a long time I kind of lost track! How was you Christmas?

Take care and all the best!
Ashlee