you would think i was empty
a bottomless pit
one that consumes and consumes yet remains unsatisfied
so i keep on consuming
it hurts
everytime it scars my heart my hands my throat my soul
my being
everytime

I’ve lost something essential
not sure what
im searching for the cause, the catalyst of my promblems
my addiction
i fought it all day
ALL DAY
i let my guard down one moment
and now sit here each time hating myself more
bieng incredibly unhappy with myself
don’t know why
well i do
this
s*$%
this thing that i cant seem to control at times
at first sign of something i don’t know what
i broke
i fell
hard
its hurts
and i have never felt so
alone?
The world is over my head
my wings at my back
and a knot in my stomach
im hurting a lot
so what do i do tomorrow
all i can think of is sleepin forever
that is a thought which has never come to me in the past
sleeping forever
is this reality when something can be so great one moment and sad the next
or are all the happy things lies?
i dont want to think so
its tiring to constantly be putting up this front
when i try to act as someone else to cover the fact that im not sure of myself
it confuses me and others
i need to know the root of what it is that i hate about myself
why im so insecure
when was it that i first thought food could solve the answers to my problems
its like a drug
a sticky non visible subtance that spreads over your things, sticks to you, makes things look unclean unkept un healthy
and now after all this is said and done
after the food is put away in the depths of my sadness
i will purge myself of the what?
The pain?
The lonleiness??
The insecrities??
All i will do is drag myself further back into the oblivion that is my addiction
and each time i am taken back further because each time i loose hope of getting better
if the sun didnt shine on my face every morning to bring me hope i might be in an eternal sleep
it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
why when it all seems good does one sad assmption make it all crumble
make it all seem like its not worth while
dealing in the area of love
love for oneself, love for others, love from others
i can put out this air of security and self awareness and knowledge
yet this constant gray cloud of uncertainty hovers and follows me and the ones i love
you give up and assume that you aught to have this disease and will continue to have it
but the gray clouds can be blown away
the wind is unseen but it is powerful
a cloud is just a mass of accumulated tears
tears can be wiped away, clouds go with the wind
i have the power and strength within me to stop so why dont I?