I feel as if I need a smack in the face. Not really nice supportive words that will tell me everything is going to be ok and I can get through this, but words that will make me understand the seriousness of b/p. Over a year has passed since I have had an eating disorder. Over one year. And yet I sit here, binging as I am writing this, and not really understanding the kind of effects that this is having on me. Or maybe Im just not wanting to see those effects so I dont. Lately I have begun to have these thoughts that living with this might be ok, it can be done and I will surivive. I never had those thoughts before this past week. I would b/p and say that this is not something I am going to learn to live with. I would say it and know it. Yet this past week, as b/p has been at a peak, i find myself saying that I can live with it. WHAT???? NO. I cant let myself believe that. I was hoping some one could say a few words to get me back into the world where eating disorders are something that hurt you physically meantaly and spiritualy, because somewhere I decided to forget that essential fact. I feel like im in the land where I can eat whatever i want, throw it up, put a smile on my face and the world is a happy place
but its a lie
its all a lie that im creating

thanks for listening

Daniela

I always thought it was about eating and throwing up and not gaining weight. It is much, much more than that. Ask yourself while you eat something while u binge if you really even enjoy it?! I bet you love that first couple bites of forbidden food and then it is replaced with guilt and anxiety. For me that is how it is. I always wish I did not do it after. I will tell u though, when I am busy and doing activities (even taking a walk), my NEED for food seems to diminish. I find myself picking and bingeing when I am Anxious, nervous, depressed or just plain bored.

Get out of this cycle! I am trying so hard too. It is even harder when I do not have a plan.
for example; I need to plan EXACTELY what I am eating the next day and stick by it... Today I woke up and had coffee, oatmeal with fruit and nuts,
for snack I had a small amount of cheese, vegie sticks and hummus. Lunch was chicken stirfry (a very reasonable amount) late snack a pria bar, and dinner was a mixed green salad with tom, avacado, onion, feta and turkey.
By seeing how much I am really eating it is helping my control. I know this is a healthy meal plan. I will not physically be hungry eating this....If I want more food, it is not because I am hungry...it is because I am sad or bored.
I also need to know when I will be eating and when if I am going out with friends. That has been the hardest part. If I know I will be going to a steak house, I will eat mostly fruit and vegies and at the restaurant try to stick to red wine, any meat and vegies. I immediately push aside half of the food so I do not eat it all out of habit. It is the bread, desserts, potatoes that get me going.
Sorry for this long post, to make a long story short. B/P is BAD BAD BAD.
I know it and u know it. We use food the same way an alcoholic uses drinking. Trust me I know how hard it is. I am trying to go a few months without doing it! I used to stay home to do it 4 times a night. Remember the more u do it, the more u isolate yourself and hide in that shell. Break that cycle! we are 2 good to let this control us! I don't want to look back in 30 years and say, "wow, I wish I enjoyed each moment more." Please let me know how u are doing! I do think if u can stop again and really work on the underlying issues, u will be happier!
Good luck and keep in touch.

Thanks much for the quick reply. Yeah my problem isnt about worrying about my weight. I b/p mostly when Im bored and avoiding doing other things. I have read about all sorts of steps one should take to get better, and your advice on planning meals is something I am going to try. Ive known thats something i should do but ive avoided trying it bc it makes my problem all the more real. Just like Ive avoided seeing a pychyiatrist, Im making a phone call this week, better yet, Ill go there tomorrow.
Yours is the kind of advice I need. Im making a plan tonight for tomorrows meals.

Thank You again
I will keep you posted on how im doing
Take Care

I feel like im in the land where I can eat whatever i want, throw it up, put a smile on my face and the world is a happy place
but its a lie
its all a lie that im creating

thanks for listening

Daniela

Hey Daniela,
Yeah, its a lie. B/P goes no where. At first it fills some sort of void, but then it begins to never be enough. You b/p more and more until you truly have no control over it. Getting help is hard, but it is more worth it than words can describe. Also you will never stop the cycle on your own. You do need help and you do need to get it soon. You can't continue to live like this. You deserve so much more. Please try and love yourself enough to take care of your body. :angel:

Hey daniela!!!
I really wanted to reply to ur post coz I feel like I can relate to what ur saying so much. Sometimes I willfind myself in tears and be like 'I wish I was happy....and didn't have ___ to worry about' etc...but there are other times where , for some reason, u have a better day and feel like u could just be satisfied with the situation. I find myself getting comfortable and not wanting to change things....I guess this is just the lazy way out of dealing and changing things. At the moment...although I have my **** times...im sooo much happier in life. I have brilliant friends, family....great life....it is distracting me from myself at the moment...even though Im getting more scared to eat everyday.

-Caroline-x

Those things you were talking about Caroline, great friends, wonderful family and a good life. I do have all those things, my life would essentially be just where I want it to be if it were not for this eating disorder. But those positive things are what Im working to focus on.

Isolatedgirl you'll be proud to know that last night I wrote down what I was going to eat the next day, and just about stuck to it a hundred percent, my breakfast was a little altered but the quantity of the food was what it should be and I listened to my stomach rather than my cravings. Today was a good day. One of the first days in a long time that I havent binged or purged. Its only a day but its a start right?

This is something Im going to start focusing on day by day. It was when I'd give myself a hard time about the past and get anxious thinking about how I would b/p again in the future that was making this so difficult for me to control. But I worked on today today, does that make sense?

Thanks for your words guys
they are always greatly appreciated
Take Care

I am so happy 4 u. Remember one day at a time. I had a setback yesterday. I will not let it ruin all my hard work. keep me posted on how u are doing!!!! Try to go a week! It feels good to be in control. :wave:

Day 4

I binged to day, but I didnt follow it up with the usual purging. The past couple days have been so good, and I have been able to stop myself so many times. Im not sure why i gave into binging today but i wont give into purging. My puffy cheeks are going away, and I like to see that I have a face again. It feels good to be healthy and more importantly in control.

today i tripped up a little but i dont think of this as a set back just bc tomorrow is day 5. A step ahead, not behind.

Hope your one set back wasnt enough to hold you back from contintuing your recovery isolatedgirl. By the way do you mind if I ask your name? Just feels so impersonal calling you isolatedgirl when im telling you all about whats going on in my life you know?

Take Care
Daniela

my name is natalie, thanks for asking. That is great that u are not purging. I think I am in the same boat as you. I will go days now without b/p but it seems like when I am bored I just keep eating! I had a really bad b/p the other day, but I really do not even enjoy it. The days I get my butt to the gym, I feel great. There have even been days I would weigh myself at the gym and I weighed a few lbs. more and did not care. Days like today where I stay home from work because of a cold, I get soooooooo bored and lazy and pick.pick.pick. uh. Well, it is nice to have this bored so we can check in to see how the other person is doing! Keep me posted!
oh, does anyone in your personal life know about this? Do you live with your parents? roomate? married? It sounds like you are around my age (27) maybe I am way off, but who who live with plays a large role too.
Talk 2 u soon! Keep busy and throw out any binge food! If it is not there, u can't eat it! :)

Hey Natalie, and all of you all for that matter

This is me :). Happy. Since the first post I wrote on this thread, I have been working so hard in getting rid of this and it has payed off. I havent gone 100% without b/p. Im finding healthy ways to go about this. The other night I binged a little. Thats the thing I have been able to stop myself in the middle of a binge!!! YAY!! But I was still feeling really full, I didnt want to continue my bad habit of purging so I put on some music that I love, and danced around my room for a while till my big belly pain wore off a bit. I did something I loved to do instead of perpetuateing my problem by purging. The other day at lunch, i was in front of the computer and you know how its automatic to go and pick food out of the fridge and you do this and do this. I let my guard down for a bit and i was binging without really even thinkin bout it. But I didnt purge. I just let my body work through it, went to gym that night, has a salad for dinner. Blah blah blah... Im jsut really making the effort to get better and that in itself makes me feel so good. Im going on vacations in a couple days and im going to be surrounded by lots of people that I care about. Thats the thing, food is beoming of less importance and the wonderful people around me and the things I do are all looking better and making me happier. When I get back that will be three weeks of me getting rid of this ****. And I say getting better because im realizing it is a long process but it is one im willing to take.

Take Care Everyone
Daniela