Desperately in need of advice [Archive] - HealthBoards Message Boards

why_did_you

02-18-2004, 07:19 PM

Okay, I don't know how much I have posted on my problem but it all centres around this one person, due to thinks that have happened between herself and me when she hurt me last year and I had my trust betrayed. I get panic attacks when I see 'her', can't touch anything that relates to 'her', can't hear 'her' name, etc. And it only is getting worse.

I had a meeting with 'her' in December to try to sort this out (she's a teacher) but it didn't work.I felt the issues I really wanted to talk about were skirted over, my HOY just seemed to take over. But it's reached a really desperate stage. I would do anything in order to get something to happen- 'she', I beleive is the only one who has any hope of stopping this- my physcologist even agreed with me.

I really would do anything. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I took some pills and wrote her a goodbye note when I really couldn't take it anymore. This was about a month ago, but I went to hospital. The amount I took didn't damage me. But I thought I was going to die, and during those moments I just lost it. I wanted to say goodbye to 'her'.

She's the centre of my world. I see her everywhere. It's not a love thing at all. For one thing I'm not gay. But it's still a problem. I don't know. I think I need to go over issues again with her and take every detail of them and discuss it and both admit fault. I need that to move on I think. I have a physcologist and counseller, but I'm not getting any better despite it. I need this to happen to put me at peace. I need it over.

The thing is I'm scared of how far I would go. I know I'd do something like that again with the pills because I really don't care anymore. As far as I can see if I did die then it would be over anyway and if not then she'd know and be able to help. I can't see anyother way.

She will not do anything more. The meeting was it before. My HOY is firmly with her. I'm not allowed to even write her a note to explain. Thats it. (however the school can put her as my cover teacher- they did this and I was so ill in a panic attack I had to be sent home- and wont even give me warning or tell me not to go to that lesson). Moving schools isn't an option. It's still with me. I can't get away from it.

I really need some advice. I don't want to go to a physc ward. I can't tell my parents- they'd over react. I don't see a counseller untill tuesday. I just need 'her' to know. To stop this. And I don't care how.

I do though have the school holidays. I wont do anything yet because it wouldn't be able to involve her (how mad does that sound?)

Sorry to ramble on, I'm just desperate.

Any advice would be appreachiated. XxX

Sponsor

hangtenvetter

02-18-2004, 10:52 PM

why_did_you

02-19-2004, 10:17 AM

I do wish I had good advice for you.

I have been reading a book that is helping me. It is called "Feeling Good". The book may help you figure out the root causes of the trauma you suffer everytime "she" comes into your consciousness. And most importantly, get past it.

Ultimately, it will have to be you who finds a way to not let "her" get to you. Not to discredit the hurt she is causing you, but you can find a way to move on with your life with or without "her". Your worth as a person is in no way dependent on what "she" thinks or does. Your wellbeing should not be dependent on what "she" thinks or does.

Take care.

I've read a few selfhelb books but none have really meant a lot to me. I do see a counseller and physcologist, it's just not doing anything. The end to all of this does, though, have to be with 'her'. It did start with 'her'. I wish I could find a way not to le 'her' get to me. I don't understand why she does because people do hurt other people- you just have to move on but for some reason I really can't. I can't go anywhere near 'her' without a panic attack. The longer it's left the worse it is getting.

If I did though tell my counseller the above, I'm scared of how she'd react. In some ways I want her to just to get me what I need, but I don't want to go to a physc ward. Is that possible?

Thanks for the reply. Take care too. XxX

hangtenvetter

02-19-2004, 11:28 PM

why_did_you

02-20-2004, 04:23 PM

I think that you can be open and honest with your doctor. I do not understand why you would be concerned about being "put in a psychiatric ward." It seems that you are in a post-traumatic state. I would hope that you could reach out with open arms to those who are most likely able to help you.

It sounds awful what you are going through. It is horrible that somebody can do something to hurt somebody so much.

Take care, and I hope you begin to move past 'her'.

I'm scared because I would really do it. I might just have to go up their and beg, go without anything. I don't want to die. I just need her to know. And I mean it, I can't live without it. I can't talk to my doctor, I can't have my parents find out. They'd try to stop me. I only want 'her' to stop me.

How crazy does that sound? I just want 'her' to put an end to all of this, because it's too much.

Sorry to sound totally crazy. I just don't know. Talking to a doctor, I just couldn't do it, because she's the only one who can help me. I'm seeing a physcologist, and a counseller. I just want 'her' to help. Its probably wrong, but I do.

Please reply. XxX

ABC~Mom

02-20-2004, 09:00 PM

well i can sort of relate, i had a best friend for years and when we came back to school one year after summer break, i just made new popular friends and didnt ever talk to her again... but now i have dreams all the time where we make up and become friends again, it drives me absolutely nuts...i want to tell her i am sorry but she hates me and the ground i walk on and we have both graduated now and i still see her in public sometimes and i wish so much that she knew i was inmature then and i am so sorry i did something so inconsiderate...but there is not really anything i can do...my thereipist tells me the only way to feel better is to talk to her and i would love to but she really really hates me and wouldnt even breath the same air i was if she could avoid it :(

anyway i dont know if you mentioned it or not but what do you think "she" feels about this situation? and i can promise you killing yourself wont help anything, i used to want to kill myself to prove things and my mom told me that i may get my point across but i wont be around to enjoy the moment...so whats the use....and i am sure there are lost of people in your life who love you, you wouldnt want to hurt them to prove something to someone who hurt you so badly would you? anyway keep us posted, and please be careful.

billy7772

02-20-2004, 09:45 PM

Feeling Good is a great book based on CBT and I would encourage you to look into it further or pick up a copy of "Been There, Done That? Do This! by Sam Obitz. They are my two favorite books on CBT and they are by far the best self-help books I have run across FWIW.

why_did_you

02-22-2004, 11:15 AM

Thanks a lot Winnie, that was really useful actually.

I think 'she' hates the whole thing, she doesn't want to be involved at all and 'she' can't stand me because of it. She doesn't feel she has anything to be sorry for, from what I can gather, and just veiws me as a problem. I don't think that helps at all with my problem. Ideally I'd have 'her' realise and organise something off her own back, so she kind of understood or at least realised.

**

Thanks for the advice on the books, I'll keep an eye out for them if poss.

Take care all. XxX

fm5

02-22-2004, 03:57 PM

billy7772

02-22-2004, 07:53 PM

Great note and advice fm5 :angel:

why_did_you

02-22-2004, 08:09 PM

First off, I don't think you "get out of anything" by killing yourself. In fact, nothing would "be resolved" because of that - not for you and not for her.

You are young, you have so much to live for - a career, marriage, kids, etc. Why would you give a person (who basically sounds like she doesn't want anything to do with you) so much power over you?

I do have a couple questions though:

What is an "HOY"?

Are you seeing a psychologist regularly? It is very important to see someone at least once or twice a week. If you feel they are not helping you, tell your parents to find you a good one who can.

Can you tell us what happened between you and this teacher? I really don't have an understanding of what happened here.

It probably is very important for you to get involved in many activities. Maybe you can join your school's sports team, after school clubs, maybe even a part time job would be good for you. This may keep you mind occupied on other things besides this person.

There are times in our lives (and this has happened to me in love relationships) that you just have to let them go. One of the things you can do is a visualization technique of visualizing you are holding a balloon and letting go of that balloon and saying "good bye" to it or you can pretend you are blowing bubbles and watching those bubbles (which represent her) float away from you while you are saying "good bye".

Saying good bye to these types of relationships can be very hard, but I think you know it is the right thing to do.

Again, keep yourself busy, avoid this person, and keep seeing your psychologist.

A HOY is a Head of year, which is the person who is in charge of your year group.

Yes, I am seeing a physcologist regulary. As well as a counseller.

What happened between me and this teacher is confusing. I didn't love her, it wasn't romantic. I was just messed up and went to her to help and it went wrong. I don't really want to go in to the details.

I know she wants nothing to do with me, but there is some stuff that is unresolved and I just can't move on from. And my physcologist has agreed that seeing 'her' and talking it out may be the only way.

However I have thought a lot of stuff through. I'm going to beg, not threaten or anything, just see if she can talk. If she doesn't... well I don't know. I just need to go through it because it is driving me mad and it's too much as it is.

I've tried the visulistation (excuse my spelling) techniques but to no avail. They just didn't help.

Thanks for the advice.

Take care

ABC~Mom

02-22-2004, 11:15 PM

i think that it is good that you will try to talk to her, and even if she wont talk to you then at least you will know you tried everything you possibly could....it seems that talking to her might be hard, so why dont you try to write her instead, that way it takes some pressure off both of you. is that a possiblity?
good luck again and please keep me posted!

TerryB

02-23-2004, 08:06 AM

[QUOTE=why_did_you]
I know she wants nothing to do with me, but there is some stuff that is unresolved and I just can't move on from. And my physcologist has agreed that seeing 'her' and talking it out may be the only way.

However I have thought a lot of stuff through. I'm going to beg, not threaten or anything, just see if she can talk. If she doesn't... well I don't know. I just need to go through it because it is driving me mad and it's too much as it is.
/QUOTE]

If this is your OCD driving you to talk to the teacher then I don't understand the advice to give into it and obey it. I'm not a psychiatrist but I've always understood that you can't feed the OCD monster enough. It will always come back asking for more. Make sure that you are seeing an OCD specialist.

Of course if your OCD is still telling you to avoid this woman then you would want to do just the opposite and face her.

Terry

fm5

02-23-2004, 01:01 PM

And my physcologist has agreed that seeing 'her' and talking it out may be the only way.

If this lady is a schoolteacher as you said, I think she would be open to talking to your psychologist. I would suggest asking your psychologist to either talk to her about the issues you mentioned or she can set up a meeting between the three of you or even have a conference call. I think it is good to have your psychologist involved as she will know how to direct any questions you may have and can steer the conversation so it doesn't turn sour. Your psychologist also knows the issues involved here that are bothering you, so she can direct any questions to your teacher along those lines. It might also take the pressure and nervousness off of you to have someone speak for you and guide the conversation. I also have a feeling that she probably won't deny a conversation if your psychologist requests it.

If she is not willing to do this - LET IT GO AND MOVE ON! But, I really do advise you to continue seeing your therapist, I kind of have a feeling that if you react this way in one relationship (obsessed) you may do so in others down the road, and you really should figure out why you do this and why you allow these people to have so much power over you.

Also, are you involved in any after school activities or clubs? Maybe you can get a part time job. It is important to try and focus on other things.

I really would still like to know what this is all about though - can you give us a roundabout answer?

Also, being obsessed with a person is not o.c.d. - although a lot of people think that it is.

why_did_you

02-23-2004, 05:25 PM

I don't think it's ocd either. It is an obsession though.

I don't think she'd be willing. I may ask. I can't do more than that. I'm seeing my counseller tomorrow so I can talk about some of this to her and my physcologist on thursday.

I'm scared to see 'her'. I'm terrified to. I have panic attacks when I do, and I know it makes little sense then to want to see 'her', but in all honestly I just want 'it' over. I can't do so much- touch loads of things as I've already conveyed and go certain places. I'm scared everywhere I go and it's just too much. I've had it for six months like this, on a rollercoaster and I'm just getting pressure from exams and other school work and it's not helping because I just can't concentrate.

I may do something tomorrow, depending. Just go up there and beg tomorrow, maybe drag my counseller. Not too sure. I just want it over asap. Else I may wait untill I've seen my physcologist, it just depends on if I can.

What happened: (briefly):

She forced me to go to a counseller- said if I didn't she'd phone my parents.
She spoke about me behind my back with one of friends- and the content of the conversation is STILL unknown. It really hurt; I didn't know what was said.
She lied- said she'd tell me what had been said and instead yelled at me and left me in tears.
She made out my first panic attack was fake- when she'd pretended to be so helpful and supportive at the time. She had her arm round me as she helped me down the stairs!!!!
Deliberately made it so as I wasn't in her class this year- I was down to be, I think. I'm sure I saw her having the conversation with the head as I was being yelled at by the deputy head. Never had a face had more guilt written over it. Not that that was a bad thing...
Ignored me- after she yelled at me- in class (and of course out).
Was the first person to know of everything; the person I trusted as she'd already known about when I was selfharming (my friend told her, it got to my HOY and then my parents but being niave and as she already knew (so I wouldn't have to explain anything) I went to her when I was messed up). Thats why her 'betrayal' came as such a shock.
Its not really what she did though; it's more of what she's become. "Apparently" she's become the focuss of that bad period and as a result that is why I feel how I do about contact with her. Or seeing her. It's escallated out of control and is totally illogical; I know that, yet it makes no difference. I was hurt though. There are loads of ins and outs. I know my reaction is illogical considering it's not a lot. Just at the time. It killed. I guess I wanted help and was just told to go away, kind of thing.

Thats just an edited past from a sumary I wrote in my diary.

Take care, and thanks again. XxX

fm5

02-23-2004, 06:07 PM

Yes, I think the best course of action is to ask your psychologist to schedule a meeting with you, her and the psychologist. It can be a conference call or in person (preferably in person, though).

Again, as I mentioned there are several reasons for this:

I think if your psychologist asks to meet with her, I doubt she will deny the meeting.

Your psychologist knows all the issues involved and can address them with her in a professional manner.

She can "steer" the meeting so that it doesn't get out of control or over-emotional (this is probably something you don't want).

You won't be put on the spot so much as you will have your psychologist directing most of the questions and conversation.

Your psychologist will be right there to hear her responses and yours and can direct you and her to a peaceful agreement. You never know, maybe this lady also wants a peaceful ending to this too.

I hope all works out with you on this.

cherryfroggie7

02-23-2004, 06:28 PM

My Anlyisis

why_did_you,
I don't know your teacher. She could be the meanest teacher in the world; I have no idea. However, if you were harming yourself (I'm not sure what you were trying to say, but that's the gist of it) it is her responsiblity to tell some one. I'm not quite up-to-date on the laws, but I think if you had done something really bad, and she had not told anyone, she cauld have lost her job and/or gone to jail.

You say many things about how she lied, yelled, changed the class list, etc. It might be the case that your teacher doesn't have much experience with scenarios like that one and didn't know how to handle it. She might even had thought you would be embaressed being in the same class after having talked with her (Again, I'm not real sure of the teacher, you, and the whole debokle.). Some teachers are just not real good with handling situations. This is not your fault; you didn't know her when you came seeking advice (but you also said your friend told her... if this happened, maybe your friend was scared for you and wanted to tell someone and try to help you, I'm not sure)

Another thing, you seem to be "assuming" many things (you say the content of the convo. is still unknown, she had a "guilty" look on her face, you think she changed the class list). This might not be what she was thinking, doing, or attempting to do.

A possible solution

Notice, though, there is a pattern throughout all of your posts and ours: uncertainty. We are all uncertain of just what happened, even you. And there is only one way to solve it, although you may not like it (I sure wouldn't). It's hard to give "been there, done that" advice, because I haven't "been there, done that."

The right thing to do (I think...) is to talk to your theripist (or the easiest person to talk to) about aranging a meeting between your theripist, your teacher, your HOY, your parents, and you. These are the people who seem to be involved in this mess. Write down a few key things by yourself or with your theripst that you want to know and make an attempt to understand exactly what went on. I don't know how long you will have this teacher or how long you will remain in the school, but after that meeting, I'm pretty positive you'll at least have a conclusion, an end to your uncertainty. Even though it might be akward to be around the teacher again, at least you'll (might) get rid of this obsession.

Yet another possible solution

I love to have a few choises to pick from, so I thought if I'm giving unofficial advice, I would give you a few suggestions. It might be hard to follow through with the advice I gave above, so I would also reccomend, like a few others suggested, to write a letter/note to your teacher. Write it in honesty and include how you felt, a few questions you have, and why you need to know. Include that you are feeling "distured" or "uneasy" about the conflict not being resolved (I don't think I'd include that you obsessed with her; it might give her the impression you're stalking her and might make her reluctant to reply). Then, I would provide her with a way of getting back to you, like an e-mail address or a postal address or even ask to set up a small meeting time.

Again, if this wasn't your situation, I'm sorry, it's just how I interperted it.
Much luck to you,
-Len

TerryB

02-24-2004, 07:36 AM

It's very possible that the teacher now knows that she messed up and doesn't want to think about it anymore. I don't think that it is at all likely that she is going to accept responsibility in front of other people that she works with. It would be too much for most people especially if it could possibly result in her losing her job. People will do anything to protect their jobs because it is a survival thing. It is also very difficult for most people to say "I'm sorry" to even one person in private. A meeting with just you, the psychologist, and the teacher might work if the teacher can feel really comfortable. Like another post suggested, there are some unknowns here that could probably be revealed at the meeting. You probably will always have some unknowns to live with though.

It also sounds like the teacher did the right thing to not have you in her class next year. She obviously doesn't know how to deal with your situation and she did you a favor to give another teacher a chance. Again, I suspect that she is aware that she didn't handle the situation properly.

Terry

why_did_you

02-24-2004, 01:28 PM

Thanks:

Cherry froggy, I agree with all of that, for that is what I want. However I was forbidden from any contact with 'her' but my hoy, after 'she' was really defensive, which cut down my options. I do think I will try going through my physcologist, because as you've said it would be hard to refuse.

Writing a letter, I did, but my hoy wouldn't pass it on.

Thanks for the advice though. I agree.

Terry, I think you may be right. I know she did me a favour. I'm not assuming she did deliberately have me out of her class for the following year (this one) because she's admitted it. But I'm glad she did. On the other hand having to keep regular contact with her may have reduced the build up? And panic attacks?

I want a give-give meeting. If I could explain maybe she could too sort of thing. I don't know. I agree that there are some unknowns and I don't know. I'm doubting she could apologize. I wanted her to though, but she didn't. I don't know. I think if it did occur with 'her' and my physcologist and myself (I wouldn't want my hoy there if possible) that it could bring closure to this situation, and thats what I need.

However my counseller wouldn't do it when I orginally wanted a meeting? She said it was best to keep her distance. Could he say the same?

I can accept some unknowns. I just need to go over it and gain closure.

Thanks. XxX

Today, I saw my counseller who suggested I spoke to my physcologist. I was honest with her and it seemed okay, just exhausting. I'm seeing my physcologist on thursday and I'll let you know how it went.

Take care, and thanks again to all repliers. XxX

cherryfroggie7

02-24-2004, 05:08 PM

why_did,
I'm so very glad you covered more ground! In a sense, I think TerryB is right, she probably does realize she handled the situation badly and is terrified to admit to you or anyone else. I know from experience adults (and people in gerneral) don't like feeling inferior to someone younger than themselves. saying "sorry", althought it is just one word, almost makes someone feel like the other person has power over them. Admitting that you were wrong in front of your peers and subordinates takes a very, very emotionally strong person.

The fact you are not allowed to have any contact with her makes this hard to resolve. However, the school board would have one hell of a time denying a conferance if it impacted your well-being. I'm not sure if you are from the US (you said "loo" while we Americans usually use "bathroom" or "restroom", and you have a head of year, something that the schools, at least in my area, don't have), but I know, where I live, if something directly impacts a student or teacher's sanity or well-being, physically, mentally, or spiritually, the individual has a right to bring it up (except in extreme circumstances).

It almost sounds like as soon as the incident started, you couldn't stop thinking about it for so long, that now she's become almost a figure in your mind, like an implant in your brain that doesn't want to go away. The only way you can get her out is by totally resolving the issue, like I have said before. It's better sooner than later. If you keep putting this off, it'll cause you more distress for the rest of your life and it will get harder and harder to confront her untill it becomes imossible.

I truly hope you work this out. You deserve the best life you can get.
-Len

why_did_you

02-25-2004, 01:10 PM

Thankyou, I really agree with that. I'm praying it will go well tomorrow with my physcologist and he can arrange something asap! If not.. I dunno. Taking it in to my own hands is unwise, but possibly the best option after that. But I'll cross that when- and if- I come to it.

The only thing is I have to convince 'her' to have ANOTHER meeting- I froze up in the earlier one in december, which does make it more difficult. However it is getting worse. It's worse inside my mind, worse with my anxiety- I've had 3 panic attacks in the previous 3 days. Monday I had a room change oppsosite hers, although I didn't go because I couldn't, it just shook me but it was only like a mini attack. Tuesday- was so prodded in counselling I had an attack, full blown, couldn't walk, shaking ,etc. And today I saw 'her'.

My anxiety in lessons, I've noticed is worse from how I feel, but that could just be because we've just come back?

Anyway, I just need it over. I want to be able to go round my own school again. I hope it will work out.

I don't come from the US, but am from the UK.

Thanks a lot. The advice is really apprechiated. You seem so much older than me even though we're the same age.

Take care,

XxX

cherryfroggie7

02-25-2004, 04:15 PM

You seem so much older than me even though we're the same age.

No, not really. The only way I seem older is because it's not happening to me. If it were, I would most likely sound much younger than you, probably around 3 (maybe not, but...)

I don't come from the US, but am from the UK.

I thought so. I recently visited the UK and you seemed much like them. I'm from the US, if I haven't mentioned it already.

Monday I had a room change oppsosite hers, although I didn't go because I couldn't, it just shook me but it was only like a mini attack. Tuesday- was so prodded in counselling I had an attack, full blown, couldn't walk, shaking ,etc. And today I saw 'her'.

There lies the problem. I may sound like one of those, "Duh, I already know that" people, but I definatly think you need to get this solved. Anytime anyone mentions her name or room, you start to get terrifed. Not only is it affecting you mentaly, but physically. This problem will only escalate. Do not wait to get this solved!

If your teacher or another member of the school denies you the chance to confrance with "her", I like your thinking: take it into your own hands. You need closure and you've been denied it by your teachers and your own mind.

Right now probably seems the time to maybe give you a few tips I found have worked when I am so nervous, it's hard to endure.

1. Hold a small object in your hand When you have something to hold or squeeze, take your nervousness out on it. It can be something simple, like a rock or a small plastic toy. When you talk to "her" or see "her" at your conferaance, squeeze the object. It works for me.

2. Count from 1-10 Whenever you feel like freezing up, count from one to ten. Not casually and quickly, but slowly, almost as if your life was counting on it. 1...2...3...4... Let the numbers become part of your mind untill you are ready to calm down and get control back.

3. Close you eyes and breathe slowly This is what I do at night, for I have a very hard time going to sleep. First, close your eyes. Melt away. Then, concentrate on breathing. Make every breathe as if it were your last. Inhale, exhale.

4. Hold an index card in your hand Write down a few things that you want to say on a notecard. Then, when you are in the shower or doing something when your mind is not preoccupied, practice what you want to say. That way, when it comes time to talk to "her", you know what you want to say and know what answers you want.

5.Think of what your life was like before the incident. What was your life like before the incedint? What was great about it? Have this image it your mind. Want it back so bad you can taste it.

I hope those help. I'll try to think of some more. I hope everything goes well!
-Len

why_did_you

02-26-2004, 11:36 AM

No, not really. The only way I seem older is because it's not happening to me. If it were, I would most likely sound much younger than you, probably around 3 (maybe not, but...)

I thought so. I recently visited the UK and you seemed much like them. I'm from the US, if I haven't mentioned it already.

There lies the problem. I may sound like one of those, "Duh, I already know that" people, but I definatly think you need to get this solved. Anytime anyone mentions her name or room, you start to get terrifed. Not only is it affecting you mentaly, but physically. This problem will only escalate. Do not wait to get this solved!

If your teacher or another member of the school denies you the chance to confrance with "her", I like your thinking: take it into your own hands. You need closure and you've been denied it by your teachers and your own mind.

Right now probably seems the time to maybe give you a few tips I found have worked when I am so nervous, it's hard to endure.

1. Hold a small object in your hand When you have something to hold or squeeze, take your nervousness out on it. It can be something simple, like a rock or a small plastic toy. When you talk to "her" or see "her" at your conferaance, squeeze the object. It works for me.

2. Count from 1-10 Whenever you feel like freezing up, count from one to ten. Not casually and quickly, but slowly, almost as if your life was counting on it. 1...2...3...4... Let the numbers become part of your mind untill you are ready to calm down and get control back.

3. Close you eyes and breathe slowly This is what I do at night, for I have a very hard time going to sleep. First, close your eyes. Melt away. Then, concentrate on breathing. Make every breathe as if it were your last. Inhale, exhale.

4. Hold an index card in your hand Write down a few things that you want to say on a notecard. Then, when you are in the shower or doing something when your mind is not preoccupied, practice what you want to say. That way, when it comes time to talk to "her", you know what you want to say and know what answers you want.

5.Think of what your life was like before the incident. What was your life like before the incedint? What was great about it? Have this image it your mind. Want it back so bad you can taste it.

I hope those help. I'll try to think of some more. I hope everything goes well!
-Len

Hi,

Thanks for all the good pointers below on your post. I'll try them definately.

I've just had the worse appointment with my physcologist though. They were all trying to force me (him and my parents) in to doing different things- such as CBT and everything. But I can't- I don't have the time. And willpower, and the physcologist said that it wouldn't work, so I don't know.

This meeting was supposed to help organize one with 'her', but my physcologist isn't going to help with it. Although he agreed with my reasons, he also agreed with the schools for not wanting it. I'm not seeing him for another 4 weeks to give us time to organize and do the meeting.

It's all up to me now- to convince my hoy. I don't think that is possible. I have to try and if not I'll just do it in my own hands because I can't go on like this. Today I freaked out because I heard 'her' name. It just gets worse the longer it's left unsolved. It need it over asap, and in my mind this meeting is the only way.

So I'm going to push for it- again. I guess. I don't really know what else to do. I just feel let down, and confused. It's like another door's been closed. I dunno how long I can do it for though- no way can I do 4 weeks. If its going to take that long, I'll have to do something.

Thanks for everything,

xXx

cherryfroggie7

02-26-2004, 08:48 PM

fastyz55

02-28-2004, 11:46 PM

Hey since you are looking for help have found any? My advice to you is to realize that what you are feeling is not normal and has nothing to do with who you really are. OCD is much more than anything a rational person could handle. Why it is bothering you is because you know that. I dont know your past but it sounds like OCD, trust me i know all about it. It is nothing more that a counterfiet obsession that your brain is making up. The thoughts, feelings, urges to fix things about this lady are in my belief for lack of better words, "missfiring nerve impulsses in your mind that you in turn will feel as an extreme obssesion". You must understand that it is a physical illness and not something you can just fix on your own. You must do yourself a favour and go get meds from your doctor (if you arnt on any type of SSRI already) and look into cognitive behavior threapy. But hey mabye your one of the lucky ones who by talking to this "lady" about this will relax those missfireing impulsses and put you back in the normal relm again. Good luck and remember that it will end. You will find a way.
-fastyz55

why_did_you

02-29-2004, 12:38 PM

why_did,
Poor you! Virtual hug > :) < I feel bad for you. I don't know if this is the right advice, but you need to do something. I hope you find a way. I thought of someting, I don't know if it would work, but I'd give it a shot.

Do you have a tape recorder? You could record a tape of you telling her how you feel, and slip it into her room or desk drawer. Then she can play it. That way, it might work, I don't know. My advice is running out! However, I'll still be here for you, even if my intellect isn't!
Try to have a good day,
-Len

Thanks for that as well. I'm going to go with the meeting if possible. I'm not sure if she will or what. But I'll just try. A tape, I couldn't give it to her without getting suspended currently because my head of year forbid the note and this would be along the same line. But if it comes to it I will go up there. That is if she wont do it. Because I HAVE to.

My Dads going to email the school- possibly going direct to 'her' this time rather than through my head of year. After all I am going through agony because of what happened last year, she's not and all she's done is a ten min meeting. I don't know. I just need it to be over.

fastyz55- hi, I'm not on meds because they wont perscribe but hopefully if the meeting goes ahead it will work out so I wont need to. Thanks, I hope it will end soon. However if the meeting (second one) doesn't work then I guess thats it. I'll have to, I suppose because i'm reaching breaking point.

Thanks again both of you. Take care XxX

fm5

02-29-2004, 03:17 PM

I would suggest that if your psychologist can't schedule a meeting between the 3 of you, then have your parents schedule one between her, you and your parents.

I would not suggest your father email her. I suggest he call her to set up a meeting. She may think the email is from you.

I suggest that you voice your concerns clearly to your parents as to what happened here. Write down questions you want addressed in the meeting. Tell your parents beforehand that you do not want this meeting to get out of control or to be over-emotional, that you just want a peaceful resolution to what is bothering you.

Again, as I mentioned to you before, it is very important for you to stay in therapy. I have a feeling that if you have the tendency to get obsessed about an individual like you have here, you probably will have this same problem in the future with other relationships. You should figure out why you do this to prevent this from happening again in the future. If your therapist is not working on this issue with you, I would say, tell your parents to find you a better therapist.

ABC~Mom

03-01-2004, 12:40 AM

why_did_you

03-01-2004, 12:52 PM

sorry i havent been here in a while but i agree with fm5 about you father emailing her, she probably will think it is you and maybe ignore it. and i also think you should stay in therepy....
i hope this is over for you soon...i am still dealing with my issue (the friend that hates me) and the dreams are every night, so i know how terrible this is for you.

Thanks both of you. I don't know if she'd accept a phone call because she refused to talk to my parents before. I'll have to see. I don't think she'd think it was me. What if it was addressed to both 'her' and my head of year? Would that be any better do you think?

I didn't do anything today on that. Tomorrow is when we should start, I think, because we're going to discuss it tonight (my parents and I). I've had a terrible day.

I hope things get better for you Winnie, although it's not the same, I can relate and really feel for you. I'd advise you not to let it build up, to talk about it- maybe to her or him? I don't know, but you've obviously dealt with this for longer than I have. I wish you all the luck.

Take care, both of you. XxX

why_did_you

03-01-2004, 04:09 PM

Tomorrow I'm going to have to (or at least try) to go up there, with no permission, nothing organaized, because it's been agreed that there is NO WAY to go through my Head of Year or anything. I have to do it myself and make it seem like no big deal, without a panic attack. I'm so scared. I don't know what to say or anything. I seem to have gone on mind freeze.

Please can I have some advice? I could really use it. XxX

JasperAmberFrog

03-01-2004, 10:05 PM

why_did,
I hope you get another step further. You need to end this thing. Again, I have no advice to offer except my confidence that you'll pull through.
Lots o' Luck,
-Len

why_did_you

03-02-2004, 09:40 AM

why_did,
I hope you get another step further. You need to end this thing. Again, I have no advice to offer except my confidence that you'll pull through.
Lots o' Luck,
-Len

Thankyou. I've seen 'her' today and amazingly went through with it. I avoided a panic attack and will talk things with 'her' at the end of the week. Lets hope I can put this behind me and move on.

I know it has come back before. If so I see no other option to try meds, but I'm hoping it wont.

This could be the turning point where I finally get my life back. So proud of myself for doing it- I was petrified.

Take care and thankyou so much all. XxX

fm5

03-02-2004, 12:26 PM

When you go to talk to her at the end of the week, remember to:

Bring handwritten questions with you that you want to ask so you don't forget anything.

Keep in mind that you don't want this meeting to get out of hand or over-emotional - this will put you right back into your "being obsessed over her" state. Keep in mind that you main goal in meeting her is a final peaceful resolution and tell her that.

Lets hope I can put this behind me and move on.

This sounds very positive to me. It is up to you to put it behind you and move on.

why_did_you

03-02-2004, 02:49 PM

Thankyou for that. I'll do that- although really I want to go over a more general thing.

I will say though that it can't build up again- and untill I have no need to, I'm going to see if I can see her regulary to avoid this. Not necessarily speak to her, just see her without a panic attack and it should assure me I'm ok.

Take care. I'll keep you all posted.

XxX

why_did_you

03-03-2004, 04:14 PM

Okay well I had the actual meeting to discuss all today. It came as a total shock because I had no idea at all about it. I just got pulled out of class. I could have, my head of year later told me, have said no and that I wanted to wait to think about it because I went in totally unprepared...

But it went okay. I felt terrible afterards- it was only short and I felt it was rushed through and hadn't worked. But it seems to actually. I feel a lot better about what was said and everything, even though my head of year was there. 'She' (and I can type her name now I just want to respect her privacy) was nice and it was more relaxed, despite a few anxiety symptoms at the start. This hopefully has worked. I cannot let it build up again.

She is going to discuss with my head of year about regular contact and it should help. I'm not sure if they will though. Hopefully- though about something such as English. It's so I don't build up to seeing her as I do. I think that didn't help before.

So hopefully that will happen. I still feel weird about her name a bit now but I say it and make sure I do. I'm not avoiding anything. I can do this. I have to.

Anyway thanks to everyone. How are you all?

Take care Xxx

fastyz55

03-04-2004, 12:42 AM

Hey cool that you are trying hard. it take real guts. If it always builds up again that is sign of ocd. For some people the ocd will get stuck on the wierdest thing, but it could of been anything. I hope meeting with her closses this dark part of your life but the more you understant the illness the way easier it gets to deal with. If you feel like you get relief from talking to her or just thinking about talking to her, then those will become your personal compulsions to alleviate the obssessoin. It is a vicious cycle that can start. If your meetings will only bring temperary relief and you start to obsses again please do yourself a favour and go buy the books:

"Stop obssessing" by Edna B. Foa, Ph.D and Reid Wilson, Ph.D

"Tormenting thoughts and secret rituals" by Dr. Ian Osborn.

I hope these meetings will do the trick, but again if they dont or you start to obsess about some other thing, DONT DESPAIR! Get these books and start to learn yourself about ocd and see if you can relate to any of the stuff in the books. Please have an anxiety free day! If you have any other questions i can talk about them so dont be shy. I am not a doctor but have delt with a hellish ocd for years before getting the right help.

ABC~Mom

03-04-2004, 02:55 AM

i couldnt be more happy for you!
i am so glad you have taken the steps to put your life back into place.

why_did_you

03-04-2004, 11:41 AM

Thankyou, your description of it building up and the compulsions to see her actually makes sense, although Ihope it's not so because I really do want to get over this.

I saw her today. Understandably I was nervous but I did see her despite feeling ill. Not to speak to, just saw her.

Hopefully the meeting has done it. I do feel better about that. Hopefully it's done it. I think so. I know it's going to be hard but it seems to have helped. I'm just not letting myself build up to it. I refuse to go back to where I was.

Thankyou Fastyz55 and Winnie, it's really apprechiated. Your support means a lot.

Take care all. Will keep you posted. XxX

why_did_you

03-07-2004, 02:16 PM

I thought I'd just keep up with the updates:

I saw her on friday but I freaked out. I was really pale and shaking. I went funny. But I didn't have a panic attack and after a while I was able to just walk slowly to my lesson. One of my friends was with me.

I can still say her name, I'm still okay with that. I've jumped at odd things that remind me of her but I think the intensity of it has left me, I've just got to keep up the contact so it doesn't build up. I'm still waiting their response on that.

I've been low actually with other stuff happening with 'friends' spreading false rumours and I guess bullying, which really isn't helping. I guess things get to you more when you are low, which could explain my reaction to her on Friday. But then again I don't know as it is still early days.

Still I have come a hell of a long way. This time last week I was still terrified and couldn't do so much. Now, I'm still nervous about going in to school, yes, but it's not as bad as it was. I'm ok. And if it does get worse I've decided to opt for medication, because I don't have enough left for another fight. I just feel emotionally drained. I've come a long way in the last week, and besides she'd not be willing to do anything more. I don't even know if she'd do the regular contact. Does anyone think this is a good idea?

Take care xXx

fm5

03-07-2004, 03:17 PM

I don't even know if she'd do the regular contact. Does anyone think this is a good idea?

You said you "came a long way since last week". This is good.

I think that you have accomplished what you wanted - and that was a peaceful resolution with her.

I think at this point, you should "let it go".

Obviously, there was original friction between your personalities. This happens with people - it is normal. I think that "further meetings together" might bring about more confrontations, and therefore more obsessional behavior on your part.

Again, look it this way: Consider yourself brave enough to have confronted her. It seems that you have resolved the main issue with her. It is time to move on.

Your goal now is to let it go and remain in therapy. Your therapist should absolutely be working on why you had become obsessed with her in the first place. Again, my concern is, is that you may carry this type of obsessional behavior with other relationships in your life. You are young and probably at the point where you will soon be dating men in your life. You definitely don't want to carry this type of behavior into your other relationships. You will be miserable if you do.

If your therapist is not working on this, tell your parents to find you one that does.

why_did_you

03-08-2004, 05:50 PM

I guess so. My physcologist isn't working on this with me as he has broken down the sessions. I don't see him for a couple of weeks I think I have to go, but I see my counseller. I still feel pretty weird- keep getting scared shes going to come in to my classroom and having the normal anxiety symptoms. BUT I am okay with her. I have resolved all I needed to. I do have nothing to say to her. I just don't want to build up to seeing her. I'm considering moving my counselling to where it should be, which is outside of her room in the room next door (I had it moved as I couldn't go anywhere near there). But I think I should be okay to come back.

I will suggest we work on that though with the physcologist. I guess I'll have to go through everything that happened and my feelings. I honestly don't know why this has happened. He seemed to focuss more on my panic attacks though that the obessional side to this.

I haven't had a panic attack all week, which is brilliant. I think I may have cracked it. I will just have to move on. It seems so weird though. I'm kind of stuck on how to. I want to make sure it doesn't come back and sometimes I wonder if I am obsessing over that possibility.

I'm not sure how it lies. I don't have anything to say to her anymore. It's ok. There is just some kind of fear. Maybe it's because I have placed so much fear around her and she's become associated with that feeling. But I can say her name and it doesn't affect me really. I can go round the school normally. I do get fear but I am determined not to avoid things as I have done. I am going to my first hall assembly in ages on wednesday.

How do you ensure it doesn't come back? I am aware facing her would bring the focuss back on her but I think that it where I do have a slight problem. If I don't see her I'm scared it's going to build up and to some degree it is already almost doing so. I'm not sure though.

Thankyou for your advice though- I think I will mention that to both my counseller and physcologist and increase my sessions to weekly again to talk though things.

Also, do you think meds are an option now? Would they help?

Take care. xXx

Elektrix

03-09-2004, 02:21 AM

[QUOTE=.

Also, do you think meds are an option now? Would they help?

Take care. xXx[/QUOTE]

Hey take fastyz55's advice and get the books if you havnt already. Remember what you are dealing with is a problem in your very brain. If it was balanced like non ocders, you wouldnt be having this problem! The meds will target specific chemicals in your brain and help to retrieve that balance that you really need. When you add fear, adrenaline, anxiety on top of an obssesive train of thought you will be in for a wild ride. You wont be able to make much sense out of your current situation at all, like you have already stated in earlier posts. IT ISNT ABOUT THE LADY IT IS RATHER ABOUT YOUR BRAIN ACTING OUT IRRATIONALLY ON A PARTICULAR THOUGHT that happens to be this famous "lady" (no caps for her) IT COULD OF BEEN ANY THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD, BUT FOR ANY NUMBER OF UNIMPORTANT REASONS, IT CHOSE THIS "lady"! Hey I lived in extreme fear for 2 whole years 24-7 before I got on meds and started talking to the right people. It just so happens that the right person was from this site. Doctors and phycs, you would get real lucky to get any real help from them because they are not trained to get a person to stop obssesing about a "lady". Dont get me wrong they do help but ONLY YOU CAN GET YOURSELF WHERE YOU WANT TO BE BY TRULY UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. I have both books that fastyz mentioned. You wont get instant results but rather little rays of hope that will get more frequent and frequent as your understanding deepens. I understand I know nothing about you, your past, anything for that matter but from what I have read it sounds like you need help and I want to help you. I have been there with this ocd thing, it aint fun and aint easy to understand. You have to realize that you will never find that piece of information or point-in-time that this whole thing got started by. That answer is impossible to find, TRUST ME. You must understand what you are dealing with rather than, what caused "it". Do yourself a favour and get on meds (SSRI type drug). They can really only help.

PS- another thing you must be aware is that you will go up and down. that is normal for ocd. When you get down, you can only go up, until you have kissed this goodbye and are at the top!

PSS- read this over and over and over and over till you think "hey maybe it isnt about this "lady" and it could be my brain messing with me".
Cause that is what this is. I would bet a million dollars and i dont even know you but I am a real CLOSE enemy with old OCD. Hope I could be a help for ya. thanx

why_did_you

03-09-2004, 04:15 PM

Thankyou, that was really enlightening and helpful. I will have to get at least one of the books when I have the money to be able to. So it really does seem to sound like ocd, and could have been anything. That makes sense, it's just unfortunate to be her.

However it could have been solved with the meeting because the contact is fighting against it and I have seen her- yes I've felt shaky and ill- but I've done it without a panic attack. And I will continue to do that. I'm not avoiding anything anymore if I can help it. I've moved my counselling room back to normal. I even said "hi miss" to her today although I was shaking and got a weird look before a "er.. hi Aimee...". But I'm getting somewhere. I saw her ( as the counselling room is next to hers)

I've come far. Hopefully I can keep it up. However if it is ocd will it come back or is the way I'm going about it good for battling the fear? Exposure, I guess it is and I've heard that can be effective. This time I don't think it will come back, because I feel better about the whole situation. I'm not totally sure, still feel 'iffy' but I'm doing much better than I was.

I will ask about meds but they were reluctant to perscribe when I was at my worst and I am better now. I think I'm getting somewhere so I'll just have to see and monitor everything carefully.

Thankyou for the reply and advice.

Take care xXx

Elektrix

03-10-2004, 12:04 AM

However if it is ocd will it come back or is the way I'm going about it good for battling the fear? Exposure, I guess it is and I've heard that can be effective.

Hey, hope my advice didnt sound to much like a drill sergant. Hey if you feel that what you are doing is helping you then keep it up. Yes, "exposure" type therepy is good and is very common with OCDers. In my case exposure was way to tormenting so that is why I preech to help others understand what is going on in their head. Although it takes a professional to diagnose OCD it is a very real possibility you have it. Although you are not the classic hand-washer, OCD comes in many forms. It sound to me you would fall under the "Pure obessioners" catagory. Its all OCD. It may just as easily never come back as easily come back. I dont think for you that it will come back because for the average OCDer it usually locks onto one particular subject for a while. For the unfotunate person it will be a lifelong battle containing many different obsessions or one huge obsession that they battle for 40 years. Either way it is very treatable. Look at it this way: if you dont treat it as OCD then what would you treat it as? Again I assume that you WILL BEAT THIS and it sounds like you are on your way. It just so happens that SSRI type anti-depressent drugs work well with OCD. Hey do this: If it gets worse than it is right know, get on the meds. If it continues to get better little by little then I wouldnt bother with the meds. I will be in touch.

why_did_you

03-11-2004, 04:36 PM

Thanks, that sounds like good advice. I'll just monitor it. It seems okay.. not brilliant but I guess that's to be expected.

I would like my head of year to come back to me though- I haven't heard from her in a week and she said she would discuss regular contact. To be honest with how I feel right now I don't feel I can go without. I can't let it build up. I don't know.

Hope you're ok. Thankyou.

Take care XxX

why_did_you

03-14-2004, 01:10 PM

"Miss M is unwilling to meet with Aimee although she will obviously continue to act professionally in executing her duties as a teacher at..."

So it's a no for the regular contact thing. It took long enough. Thing is it's really hitting me- hard. I feel like- and I know this is really negitive- why have I come this far if I am only going to go back? I don't want to go back. The thing is, I need to keep up the regular contact so I don't build up to seeing her and as a result get the fear. I've had some degree of anxiety, etc, but nothing like it used to be focussing around her. I do need to keep it up- and keep her as a person. Not 'her'. I need her to just be a stupid, insignificant teacher rather than what she's become. I don't know. I just feel like it's a terrible blow.

I know it was probably selfish to ask of the regular contact but I do feel I need it. I know it sounds so pathetic, but I do. I want to get better and I'm doing well. Thing is to keep doing well I have to keep it up. If I don't see her the more it builds up is what I've found.

Like with exposure- you have to keep doing it. I know it's not totally fair on her, as she's said no, but what else can I do?

I can't think of any reason to see her, but the longer I leave it the worse it will be. Already over the weekend it's built up to some degree. But I am so much better. I can get over this. The contact wouldn't be forever (lol), it would just be for a while untill I was ok.

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions? It would be really apprechiated.

Thanks.

TerryB

03-14-2004, 01:33 PM

Anyone that specializes in OCD should have seen this before. I don't have time to read through the entire thread so I don't know if you have determined that it is OCD or a phobia. In either case, exposure therapy is good. You won't be able to impose on someone to go along with this though. She has a busy life. She may have psychological needs to end this episode in her life. If I were her I would feel terrible guilt over the way that I handled things and I would not want to have to pay for the rest of my life for the "crime" that I had committed. I'm sure you are aware of this so I know I'm reinforcing what you already know.

One way to expose yourself to her would be to draw funny pictures of her. This is the advice that was given to both my 5 year old with OCD and my 7 year old with phobias. You draw a picture of the individual in a "less-than-desirable" situation. These are some of the examples that my children have come up with: Drawing a face with pudding on it. Drawing the individual in a big huge bulky diaper and a binkie in their mouth. Drawing an individual with a strand of toilet paper stuck to the back of her high-heal. Here's a bad one for a very frightening subject; drawing them getting flushed down the toilet. I'm sure that you can come up with your own age-appropriate variations.

Try to figure out if the need to be around this individual has become a obsession/compulsion itself. If this is the case, then seeing the individual will only cause you to obsess to see her again.

I really think that professional advice is important for issues like yours. If you are not getting helpful information from you psychologist then you might need to get a second opinion. We have a Pediatric OCD Specialist and she always has a new trick for us. If Plan A doesn't work, she has plan B....

Terry

why_did_you

03-15-2004, 01:14 PM

Thanks- I've tried the visualising before but it didn't really help. I had the picture of shutting her in a box and then throwing it away. This wasn't on paper though but I think it is a similar thing although I think I will try to draw some pictures if it can help. I've nothing to lose.

Could a picture, as in photo, of her do any good do you think, although it would be hard to obtain?

I don't see my physcologist untill two weeks time. I do see my counseller although this is only for half an hour. But it is helping I guess.

Could seeing her have become a compulsion in itself? I'm still scared to see her though to some extent, athough I'm not sure. I don't think so really, but I guess anything is possible.

I'm over-coming the panic attacks though definately. I still feel panicky and anxious at times but thats to be expected and I am doing well.

I honestly don't understand it. If it was recomended from my counseller or physcologist to see her as part of this theropy- would it help sway her? I do feel guilty for putting this on her but I don't really see another way. I need to just get over it. I am doing well. There is just something I can't shake. If I don't have this exposure as far as I can see the only way is meds. I don't want that really. I want her to just do it. I don't care what she says or anything. I just need to keep her as a person, not a 'her'- a fear. I think that was a part of my problem, although I don't have a clue. I just feel confused.

Thanks for the advice though and reply. Take care xXx

Elektrix

03-16-2004, 12:38 AM

Hey i doesnt sound like you want on meds. Why not? If you are really struggling with this meds will only help. Hey i did not beat mine until I had the added benefit of meds. I stayed away from them for over a year because I didnt want to take them because it is like a sign of weakness. I wanted to beat it myself. But I only wish i had gotten on them earlier. Hey you need to realize that when treating ocd meds are 99% of the time prescribed to the patient. You have OCD, you sound like you need the meds, I have been reading your posts for a while. They can really help. I understand if you dont have insurance or the money (they arnt cheap). Luckily for me I had insurance to help out. In my estimation seeing your "lady" is a compulsion. Noticed how you said "If i could just see her i could do this", it sounds like you get temporary relief from these visits. Hey that is just like the guy who says "if i just wash my hands one more time i wont be infected with germs" (mind they are already bleeding)! I'll be in touch.

PS: if this was a phobia then i doubt you would be wanting to see her. Phobias are when you would get anxiety when around this person. An obsession is what you have described. This sounds like a OCD related illness. You are probably a "Pure Obsessional"

why_did_you

03-16-2004, 01:08 PM

Thanks. I did see her today and this time it was she who started the covo. She waved at me when I walked past her room (I'd just had counselling which is the only reason I was there) and I just felt so ill. I don't know why. I guess it was because I knew she had been angry with me for going up there yesterday (although I felt I needed to) because she really glared at me furiously. I went down the stairs and I couldn't walk them. I was just grabbing on to the banister, shaking.

(I worked myself up yesterday and was convinced I'd blown everything- I made a stupid comment about "proffesional", before realising she had the email too. It was only to my friend but it was loud. I was in a weird mood. Not myself.- All of my work was for nothing... etc. But she seemed okay today. I know I read too much in to things.)

She then came down the stairs and laughed, trying to get rid of the tension. Not in a horrible way. And she was saying: "you're fine Aimee. You're okay... It's okay..." I don't know. I can't really remember. I had to sit down though- I couldn't walk. She just kept going down the stairs. Eventually I regained control and at least didn't have a proper attack.

I think you could be right about seeing her being the relief but I think if I do see her to get that and stop the fear building up, then 'cut down' as it would be... then it would just be normal. It's not that much. I don't think I need meds. I CAN see her and I need to keep that up, so I don't build up with her "I can't see her" stuff. I've read about that with exposure you have to keep it up. I want to do this and get over it.

Thankyou for your advice. Take care xXx

Elektrix

03-17-2004, 12:22 AM

I wish you well!

why_did_you

03-18-2004, 05:39 PM

Thankyou. You've really given me great advice.

I guess it will always take time to crack. If you are right though and seeing her is an obsession in itself- would it still work? I've been feeling more confused about everything today. I'll paste in some of my diary to try to explain (I keep it to keep track of my feelings):

On the Miss M***** front- I don't really know. I'm just really nervous about tomorrow and I know it's stupid. I want to see her and yet I don't? I really don't understand this. The thing is I don't know where I'm going. Hasn't she done all she can? Yet I do need contact and I think she understands that to some extent- a hell of a lot more than my hoy..

I don't know really. I keep trying to think of her as a person. I think I can see her as that. There's just the initial shock. I'm thinking of going through some things in her perspective almost, but I'm worried it will delve too deep. But then again maybe I need to do that, even if it will make me worse? I honestly don't know. Apparently I need meds, even for my current state, but I don't want them at all. What I did want was for her to help- and she did. What do I want now?

I don't get it. I really don't. I guess this is why I see a physcologist and counseller but.. ??

It still HURTS. I still feel almost trapped but it. And it does relate to her almost. I don't really understand. I just know that when I see her I feel terrified- why? What can she do to me? But even her just being there is odd, although I am ok with it. Really, I'm over it in the sense of actual attacks. I don't know. I really am confused. I think I'm reading too much in to stuff. I just don't know.

Part of me still wants her to do something- apologize?- but I dont want that. I just want it over. And it is over. I have done really well and taken huge steps, they just almost don't seem to be enough? I don't understand. I know I keep typing that but I'm just getting so lost in my thoughts. I have done well and come far, I know I have, but there is still something? I don't know anymore. I'm just really confused and torn between not wanting to see her and having to see her.

I guess I will tomorrow somehow, I guess I could use it. Maybe it would help me put her as a person and stop all this ridiculous building up to it or whatever? I don't know, but I hate to admit it but it seems like people are right- that seeing her does only provide tempory relief. So I will keep it up untill I don't need it?

Is that fair? To me? To her?

The thing is I don't honestly know. I just want to be normal. I don't want meds. What would help me now? I am better really though. I think maybe the contact thing wouldn't last that long? I don't know. I just feel so weird...

I think it has to be an illness even now. But I definately don't want medication. I have exams coming up. I can't afford to be ill... still looks like I am, in someway?

But I am getting better. I think if I can just stick to it- the contact- then maybe it will just work. Thing is I could just be feeding it.. but I don't think so. I really don't know. This is just rambles:

I'm going to just see how it goes with the contact. The incident on the stairs was a kind of set back- I could just be feeling from that? I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm going to try to see her tomorrow just to stop me building for the weekend and ruining my birthday thing, after that I'll just see. Might have to take proper advice. If I do get meds though... it's not the end? It just feels like almost admitting defeat, and I do want to beat this on my own. Can I?

Lol. Don't worry about any of that- I just wondered if someone had some futher insight or could make more sense of that. I will just have to see how it goes before I do anything, but I just wondered.

Take care all xXx

Elektrix

03-19-2004, 10:13 PM

Hey i am really curious about something.....how did this obssesion start? It sounds ocd related for sure.

For me my ocd came out of the sky like a bolt of lightning. I never had any mental illnesses of anyway prior to ocd, I was just the run of the mill 20 year old guy who raced dirtbikes and drank beer with my buddies. Mine got so bad I could hardely function normaly and went from 195 pounds to about 160. Mine has lasted for exactly 1 year and nine months to the day, and counting. I am so much better than I used to be and have been doing so for about 1 month. I had alot of time to research my problem but never found anything about what i was going through that answered my questions. I have been to Ph.D's and masters of counseling that could not help me what so ever. I was suffering everyday to the tune of not wanting to live anymore. I was to young to be going through this, i had to beat it.,whatever IT is.

I never had CBT or anyother "therapies" because I was unaware of OCD and how to treat it, when I was going to therapy I got other forms of help i.e. (rapid eye movement mimiking) and so on....nothing to help.

So one day on the internet looking for anything to ease my pain I ran into some post on this site that sounded alot like what i was going through. He told me about meds and CBT. I was like "I dont need anti-depressents"! I dont want to be on medication like other people are. My mom made me go down to the doctor and ask for something to help me. He prescribed me a SSRI type anti-anxiety/anti-depressent called Effexor XR. The rest is history.....

Somehow, someway, something that they did helped me out alot. My mind was clearer and the anxiety was dying out. My tormenting thoughts simmered down and i started to look forward to living again. The first time in about 2 years that I wanted to go on, be my old self and live normal again.

I want to date now and go have fun like any other 22 year old. I was in school when i started the meds and out of 23.5 credits i got a 97.4 overall final combined grade. I am studing electrical distribution systems, through a national training partnership in Washington state.

I am doing better and am on the up and up. I have to give most all the credit to my meds. They worked as they were designed to. They gave me the power to get out of the deepest darkest trench of shame that I was so deep in. They gave me the power to rationalize normaly without the fear and anxiety that ocd brings. It cleared the muddy waters. I got back MY LIFE!

I will never go back to ocd stuff, i dont have time for that crap. I would be lying if I said I was cured, but doing very good. You cant cure yourself of an obsession, you must find a way to manage it, and move on in the direction you always wanted to.

Be weary of tempararey relief. It is just that-tempararey. A compulsion if you will. If you find yourself still in this rut 3 months from now, get help, real help. Like Cognitive behavior therapy coupled with meds. You might be suprised of your results. If I knew about meds when my ocd started I would not hesitate to use them. Let me tell you from expierence that they dont make you weird or make you do worse in school.

If your doctor dosnt want to prescribe them try harder, they will. You need to be honest about how much better you'd be without this issue. Life is to short to be wasting time with this.

Anyways good luck whatever route you take. -Elektrix

why_did_you

03-20-2004, 01:20 PM

Thankyou. Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot but it's great that you're doing so well. Thanks for sharing that. ;) Welldone. xXx

Before I had this obsession with her I'd lost my Grandad and we were really close. I was then depressed and self-harming- I didn't want to live. I know a lot of teens go through this stage but I was messed up. I didn't know what I wanted appart from it all to end. I eventually had to go to the doctors after I had pills taken off me at school.

I'm not sure how it started. The summer holidays, when we had a long break from school, I knew I was dreading going back and seeing her, but I didn't think too much of it. I remember wondering if I should see her first sort of thing. I just felt weird, and nervous. I couldn't sleep a lot as the time got nearer for school and kept having recurring dreams involving her- they were all pretty horrid. One that springs to mind is when I'd taken an overdose and she just looked at me on the floor- very dizzy- with disgust. Apparently I was bothered by how she percieved me. But I don't know. Don't think so.

I know I messed up last year and was possibly too much in her face, I can admit that, but she also didn't help. She handled it badly as well- and I was hurt by this, although I'm not sure why it bothered me so much. But I was messed up already- it was just something extra.

Anyway after the holidays when I came back to school and saw her I just froze- I couldn't talk and felt violently ill. I was really scared and I had a panic attack- my first of three that day and too many to count in the future.

Although I'd had a few before. The first being in her class- I was really terrified. I didn't know what was happening. I just couldn't stop shaking. I went to sit outside and she came out and then went back in, telling me to come in when I'd calmed down. but I just couldn't. I ended up on the floor, unable to breathe and shaking too much to walk. Eventually I made it to the door and got her attention but I was really badly shaking. I didn't think then that it was too much to do with her. I'm not sure what I thought- I knew something wasn't right. I thought maybe I could have just been scared of the corridoor or classroom- where I'd had my reaccuring dreams becuase I really had been nervous of going up there to her lesson. But I don't know. It seems to be something to do with her. I was obviously hung up on something from last year and it just got worse and kept building up.

I never thought it would get as bad as it did. It just escallated and was horrible. It got to the extent that I couldn't do so much- anything that related to her. I couldn't read the fifth harry potter book because she'd mentioned it, I couldn't touch doors in school- even certain colours I couldn't touch. It was really weird- and still is in some ways.

Anyway thats how it started although I don't really know. Take care xXx

why_did_you

03-23-2004, 12:58 PM

Hi (lol posting again),

I'm not sure what to do in order to keep on progressing. I'm still 'scared' of her, as such. She still frightens me although I've overcome the actual panic attacks. I'm trying to keep up contact although it's been infrequent, which I've found to actually be damaging. I just seem to build up. I know 'something' is still not right and hopefully after a bit of contact, which I can cut down on, it will all just fade away. I'm just wondering if there is any ideas on this? Excuses/ reasons to see her. I'm not going to spell it out because I can see how that would annoy her and it couldn't be too often. Just often enough. So that I can do it without it building up.

I also could do with some ideas- if it's possible for you to give them- of how to expose myself without actually exposing myself (as in actual contact) Would a photo help? It's probably hard to get although I could get someone from her tutor or probably access one at school if I asked the right person.

This probably sounds really weird and like an obsession in itself, but I just think that as long as I can do all of this then I'll be ok. It's not an obsession in itself, it's just something on the path to recovery. I'm sure of that.

Take care. Please reply if poss.

XxX

Elektrix

03-23-2004, 11:44 PM

Hello. Hey if you think that looking at a photo will help you then do it. Is it just way to hard to not see her in anyway? What happens if you let "it" build up for awhile? Think of this; how would you feel if you for some reason was to move far away from this person and could never see her? I wish I had ideas to help you out but all I can do is reassure you that this will end.

RatGirl

03-24-2004, 12:01 AM

What happened: (briefly):

Okay, it's just my opinion, but it sounds like she's a bit of a snot. She's not *worth* your time or attention. I know that sounds rediculous to you right now, but it's true. I had a teacher give me loads of crap about my mental state when I was in school, and believe me, in retrospect you'll want nothing more than to leave her to her own petty life. Mentally tell her to ***** herself and be done with it.

Easier said than done, but try! :)

why_did_you

03-24-2004, 06:13 AM

Hi, thanks. If I let 'it' build up for a while I just have gotten really jumpy and anxious more constantly and to a worse degree, although still no panic attacks. :) I just need to keep it up, as I've said before. However it is still early days I guess.

If she moved away or if I was to move away and never see her again... I don't know. I'd almost feel 'cheated'? Although maybe thats not the right word. I'd feel weird, I want to get over it first. In just over a years time I'll not see her again anyway because I would be just about to leave school. I just want to get over 'it', and her as it would be, before that. I think it would just build up more so. ? I don't know though. :S Hard question- I can't really picture it.

Ratgirl, Thanks. lol. She's been ok though at the moment. I need to keep her like that. I've been really trying to get over it, but it's just 'stuck'?. It's weird, but when I do get over this I did want to go right up to her and thank her- because in the long run if I come out of this, I'll be so much stronger. I'm not sure if I want to do that anymore though- because I think I'm slowly realising that although it was handled badly by her last year, that it wasn't her now- that it's my mind thats messed up.

Still I'm coming out of it. I'm keeping a progress book and seem to be doing well actually despite still feeling scared, etc. I think some of it is inevitable for a while. I'm just going to monitor. The other day I definately wanted meds because I couldn't handle 'it' anymore, though my moods seem to fluctuate more so and I think I can actually get somewhere.

It will get better though- not only for me but for everyone. Take care all and thanks for your replies xXx

why_did_you

03-26-2004, 09:40 AM

Hi all,

I just wondered realy if there could be some advice on the contact thing- I'm not sure how much is safe or what have you? I have to have a proper reason for it to work and yet I don't seem to. I don't know. I don't know what I need.

Was v nervous today- shaking when I saw her for a firebell but I'd had an emotional day anyway with our school. I could do with seeing 'her' so that it doesn't build up- if I don't see her it only makes it harder to see her the next time. :S

Confused. Please reply.

why_did_you xxx

why_did_you

04-03-2004, 02:13 PM

billy7772

04-06-2004, 12:55 AM

Oh god. Well I don't know where to start for this.

I've been doing well to some extent although I've had a panic attack and many 'near' ones. Been scared still, etc.

My physcologist and I came up with a sceme of CBT and exposure. Only I had to get her permission. But it's been refused.

We're not sure though because it only came through my head of year who gave me such a short answer and was in a foul mood. I don't know.

'She' had my physcologists number and said she'd call if she had any enquiries. She can't have though. I am fairly certain over this.

I was also supposed to get a photo but I couldn't. I'm not stuck in the holidays and it's already building up.

Any advice on how to manage these 'thoughts' and fears? I'm trying to visulise but failing. I can't really. It just.. hurts? :S

Take care xXx

Hey Why did you-

I'm sorry but I had a hard time following your last note on here. At first it sounded like you were going to give CBT and exposure a try which I would highly recommend, but then it sounded like it fell through? Is that right? I hope I'm wrong and that you will be starting CBT soon :) It works great with panic and anxiety if you use the tools.

Billy

why_did_you

04-06-2004, 12:54 PM

billy7772

04-08-2004, 04:01 AM

Yea, it's fallen through. Back to the drawing board I guess, since she refused the exposure. I guess I can still do CBT but that was supposed to start and work so that I could see my own progress through the exposure and be able to put it to practice. I don't know.

Oh well. Take care, thanks.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you will continue to work on CBT on your own. The Obitz and Burns books are excellent. Once you get good at using the tools the exposure may come naturally to you as you counter the thoughts that jkeep you away from the exposures :)
Take care and let me know if I can be of any further support?

Billy

why_did_you

04-08-2004, 08:59 PM

billy7772

04-11-2004, 01:20 AM

awww, thanks. Thats really sweet of you. What exactly are the tools? I've heard them mentioned but it never really made that much sense to me. I've not really got that much understanding as to what CBT is. If I do go ahead with it though I will be doing it with my physcologist. I haven't started it yet. Thanks. :)

You're welcome. That would be great if your psychologist will work on CBT with you! Just make sure your psychologist is trained in CBT because there are many out there that claim to be but are not :nono: The tools are based on identifying and correcting the ten main thinking errors people troubled with panic, anxiety depression and OCD are prone to making. The TEA form was the most important exercise for me in my recovery and I still do it several times a week to this day and whenever I am stressing about anything. It is an exercise that all you need to do it are a piece of paper and a pen. You draw two lines down the middle of the page and label the one on the left Thoughts, the one in the middle Errors and the final column Answer. Then you write the thoughts that you catch that are keeping you down in the first column, identify the thinking errors you are making in the second column and then answer them with a more objective thought in the final column.

I hope this is helpful :)

Billy

why_did_you

04-16-2004, 11:51 AM

BILLY:

Hi,

Sorry for not replying sooner. I've been away for a week.

That sounds interesting. I guess it will take practice before it can be done. Thanks a lot. It's really helpful. It's really good that you've done so well with your CBT. :)

**

On an update:

Well I'm not doing so well. The holidays have led to everything to build up. I've gotten worse really since the exposure was refused. I'm not as bad as I was previously, but I still have horrible thoughts and ideas- the same ones I had at the begining of this thread. I know that it's sick and wrong to do it but I get in to 'states' and I just know I'd do it. I need to get help really but I dont see how to. I don't see my counseller untill tuesday and I'm back at school by then. My physcologist I don't see untill a week wednesday. I don't know what to do in the meantime or how I'm supposed to go back to school.

I'm still scared. I've been really hypervigilant, getting symptoms of anxiety a lot and I can't shake off the horrible, hurt feeling I've got. I can't stop thoughts of 'her' which scare me although I obviously am trying to take my mind off of it. It's so weird.

But I AM better. I've done so well, I really have. It's just... :S I don't know. I'm really confused.

Is there any advice I can use immediately? The most I can think of to do for now is pul a sicky on monday and then go in on tuesday and see my counseller and ask for help then. I can't see my counseller in the normal place so I'd have to get a message to her somehow so we can meet somewhere different. (the normal place is by 'her' room and I dont think I can.).

I'm confused really. I didn't think I was going to go backwards this far. I knew the holidays would be hard. It was really difficult. I had nothing to go on for the whole holidays. But I never thought I'd get like this. I'm really desperate, just weird.

I'm so scared of going back to school it's believable. At times I can be convinced that I can't, at others I can be certain that if I do I'll have to do 'something'.

Any advice please? :confused:

Thankyou.

xXx

billy7772

04-16-2004, 08:19 PM

Hi Why :wave:
Thanks for the nice comments they are appreciated and I hope you can find similar success with CBT :D The TEA form can take a while to "get good at it" but once you "get it" you can benefit from it for the rest of your life! Like anything new it can be frustrating at first but keep at it and you'll get it and get more and more relief from using it.

As for any other advice for right now I would say to try not to be in such a hurry. I know this can be easier said than done when you are anxiety ridden. Baby steps will get you there and try not to look so far into the future as that just causes more anxiety. Try and focus on what's right on your plate and just handle that right now. One day at a time :nono:

Take care!

Billy

why_did_you

04-17-2004, 11:51 AM

Hi :) ,

Thanks again for your reply, Billy and kind comments.

Take care of yourself. xXx

I don't think I can even manage one day at a time. I'm really bad, I guess. I'm like I was at the begining of this post. I feel totally unsafe with myself. I'm not safe with that I would do. I think I might have to go to an institution. School is looking impossible. It's only a few days away. I'm so so scared. Every red car that drives past scares me. I'm more anxious that I've been for a long time. It's just really bad. I can't cope with it. Even the thought of seeing 'her' terrifys me, like it used to. And there's all the reminders- I'm getting more and more things that remind me of 'her' like before.

I feel so hurt though this time. I don't know. I almost want to go through with my 'plan' and I know that is mad. I know I would though because I have tried to before and had I not been restrained I would have. I just took pills and went to school to try to see 'her' and say goodbye. Mad, I know. But I feel so... weird. It's so confusing. I don't have a clue. I'm just not safe. I am in a really bad state. :S

The thing is I did get better. I should be better. It's just the holidays and the familiar way she let me down? Almost. But it was kind of 'two faced'? Or maybe I just took it that way. :S I don't know. I don't think she even contacted my physcologist. I don't know why I care though.

Sorry everyone, I've just got a lot of penned up feelings and I just need to let some of them out.

I think I will do as I said and pull a sicky on monday (this will be hard though considering my parents...) if I can. I can't go in. The tuesday I'll somehow have to go in, get someone to move my counselling appointment to a room I can go to without being terrified and ask for help. Because I do need it. I don't know what she could do though. I'm not safe. I would do all I said. I just wouldn't do it yet because I couldn't say goodbye to her.

It's so sick and wrong. But I FEEL it. I honestly do. I wonder what she'd do- my counseller I mean if I tell her. The institution is all I can think of. I'm scared of that too. But I don't know. I almost don't care. I just don't know.

I think that shows. I'm really confused. Has anyone experianced anything like this?

Does anyone think what I'm going to do with waiting till tuesday to go in is a good idea?

Thanks,

Take care xXx

fm5

04-18-2004, 04:21 PM

I almost want to go through with my 'plan' and I know that is mad. I know I would though because I have tried to before and had I not been restrained I would have. I just took pills and went to school to try to see 'her' and say goodbye. Mad, I know. But I feel so... weird. It's so confusing. I don't have a clue. I'm just not safe. I am in a really bad state.

O.k......... This woman causes you all this torment and you intend to give her even more power over you by killing yourself? Suicide never solves anything. You will resolve nothing doing this.

why_did_you: School will be ending in a short 2 months - remember that! These are the things I suggest you do over the summer:

Find a job and keep yourself busy. Get involved with hobbies, friends, anything!!!!! This will keep your mind busy and off of this.

Over the summer GET INTENSIVE THERAPY!!!!! You will have a great deal of free time. Go to a GOOD THERAPIST who will really help you - even if you have to go 3-4 times a week - DO IT! Do it for yourself! If you need to get on meds for your anxiety, get yourself into a good psychiatrist's office. See your psychiatrist also 1-2 times a week.

Make the suggestion to your parents to possibly enroll you in another school in September. I know some might say it is not good to "run away" from things, but from reading your post and having you mention that you don't feel any better than when you first posted, indicates to me that you are very much stuck in this and are going through terrible anxiety symptoms presently. Notice, I didn't say you were going to be forever "stuck" - just right now I think it is best you be enrolled in another school in September.

why_did_you

04-19-2004, 08:15 AM

What do you mean by intensive therapy?

School isn't over for me (I'm in the UK) for three months and during that time I have a lot of Exams. I don't want to move schools really. I really do just want to be able to do it. I just don't know.

I will see my counseller tomorrow and I'm going to ask for help then. I've taken the day off today because I decided I couldn't face it. I know tomorrow will be just as hard but I'm hoping for some help from my counseller. I don't knowwhat I'm expecting really though. Just something she can do- maybe talk to the school or my physcologist, or even an institution place. I just need help. I can't go to school in this sort of state on a frequent basis.

Enrolling in a different school is near impossible for this time of my schooling. I am going to take my GCSEs soon and different schools have different requirements and different sylabus for certain subjects. Plus from september I only have half a year left. I'd like to think tthat by then I can get over this.

I think the therapy is a good idea. I should up it definately. I think I should be off school during this time and go back when I feel I can. I don't know. I'm just going to see what my counseller says tomorrow and concentrate on making it to school, because I need to so that I can get help.

I see my physcologist a week wednesday. We were supposed to start working on the cbt after the two min expsure but it was refused. I think I can still do the CBT though.

I am thinking of joing a gym for a new hobby anyway.

Thankyou. Take care xXx

fm5

04-19-2004, 09:35 PM

What do you mean by intensive therapy?

Whydidyou: A few years back, I guess you could say I had a nervous breakdown. I had just moved out of my parents house for the first time in my life, I had broken up with my boyfriend, started having panic attacks, my pet died, and I lost my job (all at the same time). The main thing that saved me was I saw a therapist 2-3 times a week when I was going through this traumatic time and I did that for at least 2 to 3 months. After that I saw her once a week. And it really did help me. I just suggested you do the same thing. In fact, I look at your situation as definitely not being as bad as what I went through.

School isn't over for me (I'm in the UK) for three months and during that time I have a lot of Exams. I don't want to move schools really. I really do just want to be able to do it. I just don't know.

Look at it this way, if the situation forces you to go to school elsewhere, then just go ahead and do it.

or even an institution place. I just need help.

You know, I have a friend who just decided to check herself into a psychiatric unit at her hospital. She was just tired of fighting it out all on her own. She said it was the best thing she ever did for herself. In fact, she said it was the defining moment in her life when things started turning around for the better in her life.

You have some tough choices to make. I believe you are strong and you will come through this. Give it time.

I am thinking of joing a gym for a new hobby anyway.

I was thinking that maybe a part time job would be better. Something to keep your mind busy and occupied. Sometimes work can be very therapeutic. Perhaps you can get something like in a coffee shop where you can meet new people and make friends.

You sound like a nice girl who is just going through some rough times right now. Things will get better.

fm5

04-19-2004, 09:37 PM

oops, sorry, double post!

billy7772

04-20-2004, 11:46 PM

Hi :) ,
I don't think I can even manage one day at a time.
Take care xXx

Hang in there and don't be in such a rush. It's the way you are thinking about things that are getting you messed up. A good cbt therapist could really help you :angel:

Hang in there and like I said before "slow down" :p

Billy

why_did_you

04-21-2004, 04:08 PM

I did write a long reply a day or so ago but my computer messed up.
Thankyou though to both Billy and Fm5. Your replies are really apprechiated.

Fm5, I'm really sorry you had to go through something worse that this; I'm glad you pulled through.

Going to school elsewhere wont get me anywhere I don't think. It won't really make any difference as I can't shake 'her'. It's not just seeing 'her' at school. It won't change anything. I'm still really anxious away from school.

Maybe I will go to one of those places then. I'm just going to wait on what my counseller says. She's meant to have phoned my physcologist. She said she'd get back to me but she hasn't today. I'm hoping for a note tomorrow.

Thankyou. I've got to go now but your replies really are apprechiated.

I've had a tough day today. I've just got to wait on what is said. She said she'd get me help.

Take care xXx

billy7772

04-23-2004, 01:49 PM

You're welcome and sorry to hear about your computer messing up... I hate doing a long post reply and then having it disappear :eek: Very frustrating. Hope you are doing well.

Billy

why_did_you

04-24-2004, 06:20 PM

You're welcome and sorry to hear about your computer messing up... I hate doing a long post reply and then having it disappear :eek: Very frustrating. Hope you are doing well.

Billy

Thanks. I'm taking the precaution to hilghight and copy now when it gets too long. I usually do that anyway but for some reason I didn't.

I've had a rough day on Thursday, which was the last I saw of school as Friday was an inset day. I didn't get a note from my counseller so I have no idea what is going on, I saw 'her' and had a panic attack so I missed the whole of English, following english I then had French which had a room change so I couldn't go and spent the lesson in tears in the library. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am still just waiting.

Oh well.

Take care xXx

billy7772

04-25-2004, 02:51 PM

Thanks. I'm taking the precaution to hilghight and copy now when it gets too long. I usually do that anyway but for some reason I didn't.

I've had a rough day on Thursday, which was the last I saw of school as Friday was an inset day. I didn't get a note from my counseller so I have no idea what is going on, I saw 'her' and had a panic attack so I missed the whole of English, following english I then had French which had a room change so I couldn't go and spent the lesson in tears in the library. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am still just waiting.

Oh well.

Take care xXx

Maybe I need to start highlighting and copying before I post; thanks! Sorry to hear about your rough day and that you were driven to tears :( Hang in there and try and counter your negative thioghts :)

Billy

why_did_you

04-25-2004, 03:26 PM

Maybe I need to start highlighting and copying before I post; thanks! Sorry to hear about your rough day and that you were driven to tears :( Hang in there and try and counter your negative thioghts :)

Billy

Thanks,

Yeah, I'll see my counseller on tuesday and my physcologist on Thursday. I think I should be able to manage monday. If not my parents have said I can just call them and they'll pick me up.

I don't know whether or not i'll start CBT. I feel a complete blur. I just feel weird and messed up, thinking all sorts of stuff, etc. But hopefully I will find out what my counseller has said to my physcologist on Monday or at the latest tuesday.

Take care of yourself. XxX

horatiobrunswic

04-26-2004, 09:22 AM

I started hilighting and copying and I couldn't stop. Then my keyboard wouldn't work right so I had to sit down and memorize all the keypad codes for the charaters, and I've typed every single one of these letters by pressing alt 0143 ect on my keypad, and for some reason, I feal sexually gratified by this.

fm5

04-26-2004, 09:49 PM

Why_did_you: I am not sure if you want to get into this here (as it is an anonymous board anyway), but I have been very very curious as to what kind of relationship you had with your mother.

My assumption (and I could very well be wrong) is that you may have had some difficulties with your mother (maybe a power struggle of some kind). This could be the root of why you are having alot of difficulties with this teacher.

Talking about any of these difficulties with your psychologist would be a great idea, but I have been curious myself if you want to share.

why_did_you

04-28-2004, 01:54 PM

I get on with my parents now. A lot better than I did than a while back. But things are ok. We were closeish. I highly doubt this has anything to do with that. I don't see why it would.

I guess physcologists and physciatrists tend to always try to relate it the upbringing, but it's certainly not the case with me.

Thanks though.
Take care xXx

billy7772

04-28-2004, 02:42 PM

Thanks,

Yeah, I'll see my counseller on tuesday and my physcologist on Thursday. I think I should be able to manage monday. If not my parents have said I can just call them and they'll pick me up.

I don't know whether or not i'll start CBT. I feel a complete blur. I just feel weird and messed up, thinking all sorts of stuff, etc. But hopefully I will find out what my counseller has said to my physcologist on Monday or at the latest tuesday.

Take care of yourself. XxX

Hang in there and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :)

Billy

why_did_you

04-28-2004, 03:29 PM

awww, thanks. *hugs*

Take care xXx

billy7772

04-28-2004, 04:12 PM

awww, thanks. *hugs*

Take care xXx

You too :angel:

why_did_you

04-30-2004, 02:50 PM

Well to update I'm now going to be seeing a physciatrist because another opinion is wanted as they don't know what to do to help me. Not really that assuring is it? Even the professionals don't know.

I don't really have a lot more to add. I've just about got through the week although it's been exhausting, especially emotionally.

I've been unable to go a lot of places as normal, etc. I'm not any better. It's just building up. I don't know what i'll do. I'm just waiting.

xXx

Jays Kitten

05-01-2004, 06:47 AM

I am so sorry if this is too personal, but Im just wondering what she did to get all of this started. I think I missed that part. I just don't understand.

why_did_you

05-02-2004, 12:26 PM

I've posted on this on about page three of this really long thread. It doesn't sound a lot really. She blackmailed me in to seeing a counseller, lied to me, spoke about me behind my back to one of my friends and then- because I was so upset- promised to tell me what was said but instead yelled at me. My first panic attacks she made out were fake EVEN THOUGH she was there and had her arm round me, took my to Student Services and kept telling me I'd be okay... That was really two-faced, she ignored me at one point in class if I remember correctly ,lots of little, insignificant stuff, but I trusted her and she totally betrayed me and hurt me. I was in a bad state. Really low following my Grandad's death and she just made it worse. I was dragged to see her at first.

It shouldn't affect me like it does but I honestly can't help it. She just scares me, really terrifies me. I just can't see her.

I know thats not that clear but its the best I can do to explain. Hope it helps.

Thanks. Take care xXx