Millie,
I just wanted you to know I am wishing you luck and positive energy for today. I know you are worried over the history and I am just sending you a small bit of strength. I hope it helps. :) And I know you won't read this until after the event but at least I will have sent it your way anyway.
Love H xoxo :bouncing:

A Huge GOOD LUCK millie from me.All the best.XX
Thinking about you H.
Love Nikxxxxx

Thank you both so much for your luck. I think it must have helped a bit because it wasn't too disasterous! I wrote my appendix on the bus on the way to college this morning, which I hadn't bothered doing before because I thought it was so stupid. We have to do footnotes (they can't be endnotes, must be footnotes!) AND a bibliography AND an appendix. Who cares how useful we found the books we used?? So 1 hour down, 3 to go. I just hope I have enough time to get it all done. But the next session isn't until wednesday, and I don't have to worry about it anymore now anyway because there is nothing else I can do. All your notes have to be left there, so I can't improve it in any way. One guy (not in my class though), had memorised his entire essay of about 2000 words, rather than having to write it in there!

I have the night in tonight because we have another 2 weeks off dance. Which in a way is nice, because I wouldn't want to go anywhere anyway, but in a way it's bad, because I feel ever fatter than usual. Partly because I am (!!) but also because I haven't done any exercise for 2 weeks and I just feel so lazy. And I was in Woolworths today and they had creme eggs on a 5 for £1 deal, so I had to buy them, then sold one fo them, which still leaves 4, plus my mum bought 2 on saturday, so that means we have 3 eggs each. They will make me so fat, but I couldn't resist buying them. I finish college at 1 tomorrow so I am going into Cambridge to meet up with the friend that I met up with about a month ago, the one who's a few years older. So that should be quite cool, and because she knows what is going on then eating will be ok, I won't end up in Burger King or anything. How are you two feeling? H, are you ok about tomorrow? I am going to see my new doctor tomorrow morning, so I should start some new anti-depressants then, hopefully they will have more effect.

Loads of love
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heya Millie,
I am so glad you sound a bit more positive today about the history. Just do your best in the next few days and see how it goes. And pardon me for saying it but that guy who memorised his essay is in no way demonstrating what his potential is. I mean he could have memorised an essay that someone else wrote. It just shows he has a good memory thats all.
I hope you have fun with your friend tomorrow. And can I just say that 3 cadburys cream eggs will not make any difference to your weight. You have to consume 3500 calories more than you burned to even put on a pound. They contain nowhere near that amount. And as I said before easter chocolate, christmas chocolate and birthday chocolate are calorie free. Its my new law!
:D
Nik how are you. Thanks for popping by. Missing ya. :wave:
In answer to the question - no I'm not alright, I'm half left! :jester:
I am scared out of my mind about tomorrow. I feel like I have given them permission to make me obese or something. I don't want to put on weight. Do you think they would let me stay at my current weight if I promise not to lose any more? I guess they won't :(
Hey you should check out what I wrote on Charlyssas thread - I am teaching them about english phrases. I think I will apply for the boards clown position. Hey mods what do you reckon? I think I'd bring a smile to peoples faces, even if they are laughing at me instead of with me. :p
Love ya loads H xoxoxo

You will be absolutely fine tomorrow. And nobody wants to make you obese. They just want to save your life. I will most definately be thinking of you tomorrow, and wishing you luck, but I am sure you won't need it. I somehow doubt they will let you stay at your current weight whatever you promise though, but hopefully they will be able to help you so you are not so scared about gaining weight. You will be fine though.

I ate a creme egg tonight, and feel a bit guilty about it, although not as much as I would have ordinarily because I went for a brisk, 40 min walk first with my mum, next door neighbour and her 2 dogs, and both my mum and next door neighbour walk very quickly! So I figured that kind of went a little way towards the egg, although obviously it would have been better if I hadn't eaten anything. Oh well, I will just have to try and be good tomorrow. You know I wish so much that chocolate could be low calories. Imagine if chocolate had the number of calories of cucumber or something - how fantastic would that be?? I suppose you would soon get sick of it though.

Love you loads, and will be thinking of you
((((((((((Hugs for H!!!))))))))))
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Millie.
I am dying of fright here. I have got to leave in 15 minutes to go there. Maybe I coul delay it a week or something?
Hope you have a good day sweetie, and hugs right back at you.
Love ya loads H xoxo

Hiya H

Just a quick postie to see how you got on ok. I am hope that it was better than you were expecting. I have been thinking of you a lot!

Loads of love
Emily xXx

Hiya Millie, thanks for caring. I just love ya to pieces :)
So I guess you want the goss then? Ok well, let me see. The girls there are all super skinny as I feared, but they are all sweet enough. I am basically on hour detentions after eating and constant supervision because they feel I am likely to try and purge. We are talking about literally being followed to go to the loo and everything! You aren't allowed to lock the door of the toilet either. When you don't eat properly they take you to one side and explain that if you don't eat you have to drink something that looks gross - some meal replacement stuff. Its all thick like milkshake. One of the girls chucked a wobbly because I don't have to eat as much as her, but they told her that it is only because it is dangerous to give me too much food too soon after all my fasting.
We got an hour freetime to talk and I spoke to some of them but particularly this girl called Kayla. She said that I was the gossip discussion all day yesterday. She said that no-one had heard of someone coming there without doing their stint in inpatient first. They all have and are now close to their target weights. The consultant talked to me today and explained that I am not allowed to talk about my weight or my eating to anyone other than the staff, because I am alledgedly a lot thinner than the rest as they are all well into their recovery. He warned me that I will be out on my own or go to inpatient if I spark any discussions like that. But I wouldn't talk about it there anyway, I just don't feel the freedom like I feel with you guys.
So anyway, I did get in trouble for spitting some food in my tissue, I guess I can't fool them, they have seen it all before.
I am not included in group therapy because of the above reasons. Once I get nearer to a 'normal' weight I can go, but I don't really want to anyway. I have a new therapist who is rather sombre and bored the pants off me. So I childishly told her that I had no desire to discuss my reasons behind my ed at this point in time.
And thats most of what happened. Sorry for yabbering on. As you can see I do talk A LOT being as how I now have veteran status on the boards!!! :D
Hope you are ok Mills, and you Nikster.
Love and hugs from H xoxoxo

Oh H, I am so so proud of you! I know that I have nagged you so much about all of this, but I honestly do appreciate just how hard it must have been for you to take this step, and I am so proud of you for doing that.

So was it ok? You have said what it involved but not how you felt about it. Better than you thought it might be? I am glad they are not trying to make you eat too large amounts quickly, as well as being dangerous, I think that you would find it very hard to deal with. So do you have therapy by youself when they are in group?

Sorry to hear you didn't get on with your new therapist. Maybe when you have got to know her a bit better you will find things easier. And I think you are right, there is no point trying any tricks because they will most definately have seen it all before!

Have the next hour of my individual assignment tomorrow, but I have kind of stopped stressing about it now. Oh my goodness, I had the most boring class imaginable today. It was english, but not with Ann, but my other english teacher, who is awful. And it was just mind numbingly dull. I was in a fidgety mood anyway, and after about half an hour I was tapping the desk and swinging around, then fell asleep for 10 mins, so that took up a bit of time, then woke up and sat fairly patiently for the next 10 mins, which left 20 mins for me to feel like I was going to explode. At one point I started giggling loads at absolutely nothing. I was just sitting there and started laughing, and I couldn't stop. I was just at that point of boredom where I was going to scream any time soon! And that is the fantastic way I am gonig to start my day tomorrow too. Marvellous.

Lots of love, hope you get on ok tomorrow
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh my god, how familiar does that class sound. At uni, I used to have lectures with one particular tutor who was so boring. He was monotone and I swear you needed to prop your eyes open with matchsticks!!! You poor thing. How I wish you didn't have to suffer the mental torture of those classes! ;)
Um, it felt like torture a lot of today really. Eating was so hard. It all kept sticking in my throat, and I just wanted to puke it up. I stuffed my mouth really full and went to the toilet and thats when I realised you get followed even there. The nurse followed me right in and said that if I needed the toilet then would I please ask her now, if not I would have to leave the door wide open so she could see I wasn't spitting anything in the loo. She knew I couldn't ask because my mouth was stuffed with food. Talk about caught in the act :o
I nearly cried by the time the third meal of the day arrived, but I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. I am sure they love watching you feel awful. Yeah I had a one on one session whilst the group met. Kayla said they had all been warned that I was an unusual case and not to question me about it. So thats nice, I don't even warrant being human, I'm just a 'case' to them. I am so dreading tomorrow. Sunday seems forever away, and I know one day of starvation will never make up for a week of this much food. I think I will wear a bin bag tomorrow to hide my bulging belly.
But, I'll live. Do you find out your treatment strategy tomorrow?
Hope you are ok.
Love H xoxo

Hello board :angel: , how is everyones day going? Terrible for me. It has been a terrible, no good, very bad, horrible day. Right now I need a deserted beach, sun shining on me while I'm laying in the sand overlooking the ocean :cool: . But back to reality...

I've posted on here once under another name. But, I'm sure nobody remembers me lol..it's been awhile. Right now I'm struggling to pick myself out of the deep whole I dug. At 5'6, 86 pounds...I felt content with myself. Well, I suppose there is always the thought of wanting to be thinner, but I was still much more proud of myself. I gleamed at the thought of being the thinnest girl on my college campus, but my family and everyone else didn't. I lost my men. cycle long ago, so the thought of not being able to have kids scares me...because that's a joy that I want to have and share with my mate. But then again the thought of gaining weight in pregnancy scares the heck out of me! Well, I've been practicly forced to gain weight and am now up to a whopping 98 lbs. Luckily I still fit in my jeans, once I begin not to I will probably have a bit of breakdown. Don't you just hate clothes sizes? I know it's not normal for a 19 year old girl to dream of wearing kids clothes...but that's me..and besides, what constitutes normal anyhow? ;) I saw a girl around my campus today who was so thin. I've seen her a few times before, she's always alone, but I envy her. I know that I shouldn't..nobody should base a role model on what they look like...but what's inside. I'm alone alot these days, but sometimes I think I like it better..that way I don't have to deal with comments. Sometimes I just wish I had people to talk to...people to love me and like me for whats inside and to see past my weight issues....but most people just think I'm ridiculous and stupid to wish I was thin/thinner. Em, L, and H ..I really admire all of y'all. Not just because you come here and talk and support each other, but because everyone on this board becomes a family almost...loving and supporting each other...helping each other make it through each day. I hope my post didn't sound too depressing...I just need to talk, and I have nobody to talk with :-(. I want to eat, but I don't want to gain anymore weight. So instead of going on into an emotional eating outburst, I figured I would come and introduce myself. It makes me feel better knowing others can relate to me, so thanks for listening girlies :)

Keep your heads up,
xoxo Bri

Hi girlies,welcome to our thread Blueeyes!!
H you are doing so well,i am really so proud of you. Im sorry i havent been posting much,i feel like im being a really crap friend to you both. Its nothing personal,ive just got no energy or motivation at the moment for anything.
I think its time i got off my backside and did something about this monster though.If you guys can do it then so can i!!
Millie, how is college going?Dont put yourself under too much pressure.Be kind to yourself.
As i was saying on another post i weigh the same as i did a while back and ive put so much stress on my body.,so why do it?Wouldnt it be so much easier just to eat healthily and maintain my weight that way?AAAAAAAAAGH,bulimia sucks!!!!!!!
Quite busy working this week which i cant be bothered with either.I had what i can only describe as a panick attack yesterday while posing. My heart was racing and i was sweating real bad!!I think its maybe the ADs.they are making me feel a bit weird,like spaced out and sort of unstable(more than usual!!)
Anyways i have to go and see to my 2 year old
Take care all
Luv Nikxxxxxxxx

Nik, thanks for the welcome to the board :)

Oh H sweetie, I just saw your post about your first day. Special "case"....do they not know the famous Aurora they are dealing with here? We shall all have to march up there and let them know! When people have referred to me as various names...or just throwing the term of the girl with the eating disorder at me..it hurts because I feel like we are ALL worth alot more than just an eating disorder..and that eating disorder should not classify us as a "case" or "the girl with weight issues". All of the people who post on this board seem to be the sweetest, smartest, and most comforting people I have ever met in my life...and you all deserve for people to notice what wonderful people you are...not just another "case". Your very brave H..that sounds like quite a scary place. But you can do it. Keep your head up, everyone wants to see the wonderful person you are :)

Hiya blueeyesbrianna et al (H and Nik, you haev been demoted to et al!)

Apologies for this message in advance, it will probably be very short but I am really havig difficulty keeping my eyes open, let alone managing to type. How are you all feeling today? Blueeyes, I am glad you have joined the board, I am sure you will find everyone very supportive. College is ok Nik. Only have 5 weeks left now before I go on study leave which is so so scary. I don't want to leave :eek: I suppose because I have support there, and I know everyone etc. Well, not everyone because there are 2000 people, but everyone I need to know! It is so nice to see you back. Please don't worry about being a bad friend to us, we will survive, and we have each other. Just post when you feel up to it. I really hope you can get some help soon. H, I hope you have got on ok today. Thinking of you.

Lots of love to you all
Emily xXxXx

OPPS! I hate when I do that.

Aurora,
I know it most have seemed like torture, especially to have your freedom taken away, but what you are able to do now in the "short" term will be of GREAT benefit to you when you are free from this. I know the term "case" seems so cold, but what else really do you call it? You have a disease and does issues really sound all that much better?

I know also that you precieve that the nurses there would get some kind of gratification by making you cry, but I honestly believe if you give them a chance they just might surprise you. It is their job to see that you do not hurt yourself while you are there and yes spitting out your food, purging and not eating are ways of hurting yourself. It is so hard when you are the one used to being in control to allow another to have control over your food and I am so PROUD of you for doing this for yourself.

You are going to hear many lies in your head the next few weeks as you work on taking care of yourself, just try to remember you are LOVED by us on the board and by your friends and family.

Only YOU can make this work. You have to give it 100% and you have to CHOSE to let others there help you by doing their jobs and you have to CHOSE to see it as a positive thing despite how you feel. Your feelings WILL lie to you.

Please give it a chance!

Oh! You are all so precious to me. I cannot believe my eyes. There are some lovely posts for me to catch up on, just what I needed after another tough day at the unit. So lets see what I am gonna say in response to you all...
Firstly - Big hello to you Brianna :wave: . Did we talk before when you were on a different name? Are you getting help Bri, like therapy? I know how you feel with the idea of putting weight and the desire to be small enough to wear kids clothes, but that is the anorexia talking. I can't really comment on your weight and height, I am the same height as you, and well the weight thing, I'd be a hypocrite if I told you that you are too thin still. But you are, so I guess I'm a hypocrite! Oh, and thanks for saying I'm wonderful, but I'm nothing special, honest.
Nikkita you are a GOOD friend, who has a life other than the boards. We understand, promise. We still love you. :D I hope you start feeling better soon sweetie.
Millie, why are you so tired today, are you ok? Was it just one of those days or something? Have you heard from the specialist yet??? I hope they have sorted something out. And don't worry about leaving college, you will stay in touch with the impportant people, I know you care too much to let your friendships slide. :)
Dance, you talk such sense. Always. You have a knack for telling it how it is, but in a nice way. It does feel like torture, but then anorexia sure has its torturous moments.
So I suppose I should let you know what today was like. I think I cried over every single mouthful of food today. I am surprised it didn't choke me, I could barely breathe because of it. I was just sitting there thinking, 'How can it be so hard to eat?' And I just don't get it. How did I let it get to this. I feel so scared that I have trebled in weight. I don't want to be fat.
I saw the nutrition guy today and he drew me up a plan of what I should be eating. I am meant to get involved with preparing my food soon. I saw the therapist again and she isn't so bad as I thought. But I talked mostly empty words. I talked with some of the other girls, they told me that they went through the stage of crying over their food when they were in inpatient. They said it passes. I hope it does because I am so ashamed.
Anyway, don't want to bore you.
Big hugs to you all,
Love H xoxoxo

DO NOT be ashamed Aurora! You are doing the bravest thing a person could do. You are fighting for your life and I am so proud of you! I will be praying for courage and strength for you.

You can do this! It will take time and your road will be filled with many hills and valleys, but go slow and steady and you will see it through to the brighter side. :)

Hang in there girl ~ you're amazing.

I am so sorry that you had such a bad day yesterday, I hope that today as been a little better for you. It is such a hard thing to have to do though, I can understand why you were upset. So what did you do today? Did you see the therapist again? Let me know how it all went, I really hope it was better than yesterday. I am so proud of you for this though, I really am.

I am still really tired. I seem to be getting absolutely exhausted by doing very little, like going to college for a couple of hours is enough to make me feel like I need to go back to bed. Heard back from the psychologist today. She said that they thought that I needed psychotherapy or whatever it is called, with her, so I said fine. The bit that's not so fine is that it will be at least a 3 months waiting list. So I am not sure exactly what I am going to do for the next 3 months. I feel like it is one step forward, 2 steps back - I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I saw my counsellor in college today, but I still don't really feel like that is helping me either. So feeling like I am in a bit of a rut really. Shame there are so many people around needing to see a psychologist I guess. But you would think that with Addenbrookes a 5 minute walk from college, that I would be able to get some help. Ah well, I'll survive.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxx

Hi guys,
Thanks Dance, you are sooooo nice. :) How are things with you?You have been busy on the boards again lately. Everyone really appreciates your posts.
Millie, I am glad that you will get some therapy but I agree that it is not ideal that you have to wait so long for help. Are you going to see your new doctor again soon? Maybe there is someone else you can see sooner? How is the history coming along?
Today was day 3- I can't believe its only been three days. A new guy came there today called William. He has just come from inpatient and is trying to recover from bulimia and anorexia. I really like him. He is really smart and he is my age, whereas a lot of the other girls are younger than me. So at least I have made a new friend.
Saw the therapist again. She asked me what I am hoping to achieve by getting help, and I said that I wanted to get better but not put on any weight. She said I don't want to get better then. It went on a bit in circles like that. I think we just don't click. Urgh! She is so ANNOYING!
They made me draw some stupid pictures too, like being in nursery school. They were meant to be how I feel in comparison to how I want to be and weird stuff like that.
I am getting very tired of being escorted to the toilet all the time too.
But I will shut up now because I am whining. Oh and the reason its such a late post is because in my ultimate wisdom I left the unit and downed some ipecac and have only just got myself together enough to post.
Hope you are all ok.
Love H xoxoxo

Aurora,
I am well - thanks for asking. Yeah I have been posting more since work has calmed down a bit. I love my job, but at times it gets crazy.

Anyway, I am glad you have found someone there you like. I know it will probably get more annoying to you before it gets better, but try and take it one day at a time you CAN do this. As far as going round and round with your therapist, I think she is just trying to get you to see that in order to be healthy you will not truly be able to maintain the weight you are. I know that is scary to hear, but that is more than likely why she has said what she has about you not wanting to get better. The two things naturally go together (getting healthy and putting on weight) when one is under weight as they start recovery.

In order to grow in your recovery you will at some point have to decide that you will allow yourself to gain weight. (again I know that is scary) I don't want to say this to you Aurora, but honey you have to go after all of recovery, partial is not an option. There is no such thing. You will have to gain weight in order to save your life. And talking about saving your life, please don't use ipecac anymore, it really can KILL you. And we can't have that!

:angel: You are PRECIOUS and you are LOVED and you are WORTHY :angel:

Dance, do you really think I can do this? Only I feel like all the people in my life are expecting that I won't make it through this. That I will kill myself before I give in and get better. Its like they have given up on me as a lost cause.
Thanks for all the time you have spent on me, I do really appreciate it.
Love H xoxoxo

I know I don't usually post on this thread but I just read that post H. We are all behind you, and all of us believe you can get better. Only you know whether you will or not so ignore everyone else. Who are they to say you won't recover? Believe in yourself H, because we all do and you are an amazing person.

Please don't use ipecac, as Dance said its highly dangerous and can kill you. What would be the point in recovering from your ED, only to die from ipecac?!?!?

I'm glad you made a friend at your day program, day 4 today. Don't you feel so proud of yourself for getting this far?

Have a good day, I know you can do this (((((((((((h)))))))))))

Love Emily xXxXxXx

Hi everyone
H how is program going today then?Did you see therapist?You really are doing so well.just look at what a massive step you have taken.Remember when you were posting a couple of months ago and you could see no hope?And look how all that has changed for you!!Hope you are bearing up today.
millie you still feeling exhausted?Have you been b/ping much lately?And where abouts are you with the ADs at the moment?Bulimia really drains every ounce of energy.
Hope you are doing ok dance today.
I had a massive binge yesterday.I seemed to spend the entire day stuffing myself., and today im really water logged and puffy so i feel pretty crap really.This is the worst time of month for me,always the same,about ten days before my period.........PMS!!!I might as well move in to the toilet!!
I'm thinking about telephone counselling.There is an organisation who do this.I have to fill in a comprehensive questionnaire and send it off and then you get an hour long consultation on the phone, and then after that a course of counselling sessions(not sure if im allowed to post website!)But it sounds ok so i think i will give it a go anyway.There are quite a few counsellors in the london area also.
Take care you guys
Love Nikxxxxxx

Hi girlies

H, I am glad you made a friend, that is good :) Do you have much free time when you are there or is it very structured? Please don't use ipecac again, it really is so dangerous. And I don't think I am just speaking for myself when I say that I really do genuinely believe that you will get better, and I am not just saying that. You are such a strong person really, there is no way you can let this beat you. How was your day today? I hope it was ok. Is it getting any easier at all to eat there? It must be so difficult for you, but I hope that in time you will see that you can put on weight without getting fat, and then you will be healthier. But your current weight is unhealthy, so there is no way you can recover and still maintain your weight, it just won't work.

Sorry you feel so crap Nik. Periods suck! I am on the pill and I tend to skip every other one, because I just can't be dealing with the hassle of actually having a period. I am coming off the Cipramil, so have been cutting down, and then will be starting something else. Had been on 40mg, so then went down to 20mg for 2 weeks, and now I have been on 10mg for a few days. Mind you, I am still completely exhausted, so I don't know that it was fair of me to blame the tablets for that. But they weren't helping anyway, so I suppose I still needed to change. Haven't had too much chance to b/p this week, which has been so frustrating. Have done it a few times, but not nearly as much as I have wanted to. Did have quite a bad one the other day though. I am just always trying to get my mum to go out so I can have the house to myself.

The history is finished :bouncing: It wasn't too bad, although I don't think the quality of my writing was too fantastic, and I don't know that I really answered the question properly. But at least it is finished. I have my performance studies practical exam in 2 weeks, so now I am having to concentrate on that. I am not sure what I can do about the psychologist, because I really need help in less than 3 months. For a start, in a month I will be on study leave, so I won't be in college, and that will probably make me worse. I have thought about finding one privately instead, I might call the psychologist and ask if she can reccommend anyone. I saw my doctor on tuesday, which is when she cut down the ADs again, and then I will have to go back again in a week or so, I am having to go every couple of weeks at the moment.

Hope you are all ok
Loads of love
Emily xxxxxxxx

Dance, do you really think I can do this? Only I feel like all the people in my life are expecting that I won't make it through this. That I will kill myself before I give in and get better. Its like they have given up on me as a lost cause.
Thanks for all the time you have spent on me, I do really appreciate it.
Love H xoxoxo


Aurora,
I know you can do this! Because I remember feeling like I would die from my ED because although I wanted to get better I didn't really believe it could happen. (and now look at me :) ) I felt it was so much stronger than I was and my crazy brain kept telling me all sorts of dumb stuff.

You are not a lost cause, you are a shining example of the human spirit.

Honestly the first few months of recovery are the hardest, worst and frightening months of your life, but you can do this. I used to always look ahead and think how big recovery was and I would freak out :( then I realized that if I am going to do this, then I have to only look at today and then maybe tomorrow, but never beyond that for beyond that is way to much to handle.

Don't look to the left or the right, don't be bothered by what you think others are feeling about your recovery, stay focused on the process and focused on the FACT that YOU are WORTHY of recovery.

We are behind you all the way - through the good days and the bad. You do not have to hide anything from us, for we can handle it - there are no expectations for you here only support and love.

Go get em' girl!

Hiya :wave: ,
You are all so nice. Big hugs to you all.
Emily, yes I know ipecac is dangerous, but I get desperate sometimes. I am glad I made friends with some of the people at the unit, it makes it a little more bearable. And thanks for all your encouragment. :bouncing:
Nikster, I think it could be good to try the telephone counselling. And you know you need to do something to get out of the bad patch you have been in lately. Have you talked with the edauk Nik? They are so nice and the can organise a telephone buddy system or postal system. And they can also tell you of any groups that meet near you. Give them a call, they are so nice.
Millie, the day is pretty structured. Timetabled like at school. Today I spent most of my time on a heart monitor again though because of using the ipecac. I wrote about that to Charlyssa. Sorry I am not taking favourites by answering a bit here and a bit there. You are all special to me in your own individual ways. I love you all. I am glad you have done the history, so full steam ahead with the performing arts work then. ;)
I am glad you are seeing your GP regularly while you are getting your therapy arranged. Hope the new ad's will be better.
Dance, I guess you know exactly how it feels to be at this point of your recovery. I do feel like its too much to ask that I could actually get through this, but I will keep dusting myself off and trying again. Perseverance is the key.
I would post more but I am exhausted. Emily1990, you are special and adorable. Please get some help.
Hugs to you all, love H xoxoxo

Its ok H, nobody is accusing you of taking favourites. It gets pretty boring typing the same stuff out over and over again. So you go again tomorrow but get sunday off right? So do you still feel as strongly against going IP? I just thought that that way you wouldn't be able to use Ipecac or anything, and I know that may not seem good to you, but we want you to live! So you said it is pretty structured, do you get much time to just sit about and talk with the others etc? What is all the time spent doing?

I really am so exhausted, I should go to bed. For the last hour I have been debating b/ping, but have managed to resist so far, purely because I can't stop putting on weight lately. It is so horrible, I feel so fat. I have been way too casual with what I have been eating lately, I have been eating too much crap without purging after, so have been putting on weight. And then still being on holiday from dance doesn't help. And I keep saying to myself that I will jump around on the trampet for half an hour, but then I am always too tired. I am getting so frustrated with my weight, I just want to lose weight, and I am constantly putting weight on. And I still don't really know what to do, whatever I do I don't seem to get any further, I really am just about ready to accept it and give up.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxx

Aurora,
Perserverance is the key! Just take it one day at a time and like Emily said don't worry about trying to respond to us all. You need to focus on you right now. So write when you feel like it, but don't feel like you have to answer all of us. We just want you to take care of you. :) :)

Roxy,
Sorry you are having such a time with your weight. I know you dislike it, but I am glad to hear you are not purging as much. I know you know this already, but your weight does not define who you are ~ who you really are lies in your spirit and heart and you have the most beautiful of both! Keep seeing your therapist and focus the steps you need to take to get better. You will one day actually like the image that is in the mirror. You may not believe that now, but I know it to be true. You will be free one day!

Love you girl!

Millie, Yes I do get Sunday off. Doubt I'll be bothered to eat then, I feel the need to feel empty. I am actually looking forward to it. And getting some sleep. I am so majorly tired. No I still don't want full IP but now William is gonna be my food/truth buddy so hopefully we can keep each other a bit more on track. Its kind of like we feel like its us against the world, but we are trying to show each other how the world sees us. So I think in its own warped way it might do us some good.
I hope that you didn't get the chance to b/p. And you know deep down that an ed makes you feel much bigger than you are, but also it doesn't usually make you lose much weight. It feels like it should because of the amount of energy you channel into it, but a healthy diet and some exercise is all it takes.
I am sorry you are so tired again. Its horrible feeling so exhausted, but the weekend is here, so you can sleep in. You probably won't gt this post till late then! You don't have to work again do you?

Dance, its not that I don't want to write to you all. Its just that I get knackered sometimes and I don't like repeating myself and making you all bored and stuff. Hope you have a good weekend planned.

Muchos hugs from me xoxoxo :bouncing:
:D

Dance, I know my weight does not define me, but I just want to lose weight. I feel so fat. I don't know why I have been putting weight on, and it is so frustrating. Actually, I do know, it is because I haven't been purging enough, particularly over Easter, but it is still frustrating. I am going to try and go back to how I was, so I was only eating any crap if I knew I could purge after.

So H, do they tell you what you should eat on sunday etc? Please try to eat something, it is not going to be good for you to be building up your food intake for 6 days a week, and then starving yourself the other day, your body won't know what is going on. I am so glad that you have William, everyone needs sombody to support them. I hope that you get on ok today.

The weekend is here, but I didn't get to sleep in too much. Well, a couple of hours, but I woke up at 9 because my mum and I are going to go shopping to Cambridge, so I couldn't sleep in all morning. And then tomorrow I will have to work. Really not looking forward to that. I don't know how I will do this for months, when I have only done 1 week so far and don't want to go back. For one thing I really don't have the energy to be rushing about waitressing, it takes too much out of me. College is bad enough for that, but waitressing is even worse. It completely drains me. And when you are exhausted to begin with, that leaves a pretty tired person! Last week I wanted to go to bed when I got home, and it was only half 3. Still waiting for my nephew/niece to be born; it was due yesterday but still no sign. I am being very patient though! How long is it meant to be after they go into their little 'I'm ready' position? Hmmmm, stupid slow baby.

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxxx

Well hi guys
How is your weekend so far then?Im off to Dundee to meet a friend today who i havent seen in a while since ive been isolating myself so much lately so atleast that will take my mind off b/p for a while.
H,how is it going on the program?Do you have to be there Saturday as well?Im glad you have someone there you can talk to though.
Dance have a good weekend
Millie,dont let the weight thing get you down too much.I go through periods of being less stringent with myself i think mainly because i am so tired of this illness that i cant be bothered to bother anymore. does that make sense?Its like it gets to the stage where its just too much effort to even b/p.Are you working Sunday aswell?Just dont over do it.
Take care all
love Nikxxxxxx

Nik, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to be bothered to be bothered! It sounds ridiculous, but makes perfect sense. For instance, if I am feeling crap I will b/p, because I will want food, but then if I feel completely terrible I will not even be able to purge after I have eaten. But then when I have gone back to just feeling crap, then knowing I have put weight on makes me feel worse again. It is all such a viscious circle, the more I b/p the worse I feel, and the worse I feel the more I b/p. I am working tomorrow, yes. Fun.

Hope you have had fun with your friend today. I went into Cambridge with my mum. I eat way too much, I have eaten loads and loads today. Oops. Bought a couple of pairs of shoes though, so that is good. I have the most awkward feet in the world, so I never buy shoes because I can never find any that fit. I am glad that all these very flat styles are in fashion though, it makes it a lot easier, I am terrible in heels!

Lots of love
Emily xXx

Millie do you think your weight is actually more or is it just how you feel? If it is a little more it could just be because you haven't had dance for a few weeks. I used to ride every day, then when it became impossible I did seem to gain a little weight. Its to do with the muscles not being as exercised as normal. It will go as soon as you are back in dance class again. But don't say you are fat, because you aren't fat. And I believe you are probably very beautiful, as you have such a beautiful nature to you.
No they don't tell you what you hve to eat, but they 'advise' you what would be appropriate. Me and William are seriously annoying people there with our stupid jokes and constant banter. Its the only thing that keep me sane while I am there. One of the nurses suggested to my therapist that maybe we should be separated a bit in case we have a bad effect on each other. But I explained our buddy system and she surprisingly said that maybe it is good for me and William to take some responsibility of each other as well as ourselves. So maybe she is not as bad as I thought.
It sure sucks that you have to go waitressing tomorrow. Thats a job I never fancied, being around all the food would make me want to hurl. Especially if there was any meat, as I am a fanatic about my veggie lifestyle. Dead animal makes me so sad and nauseous.
Nikkita, I hope you had fun with your friend today. I know what you mean about isolating yourself. I love my friends to pieces but sometimes I just can't get myself in the mood to deal with all their needs. Selfish i know.
And yes the program runs on saturdays too.
Millie, don't worry about what you ate today. Think of all the energy you burned walking round all those shops! ;)
Hope everyone is ok,
Love and hugs from H xoxo :bouncing:

Hiya

So is it nice to have a day at home H? I was thinking about you earlier though, while I was waitressing (!!!) and I thought that in a way it must be a relief for you to be at the hospital every day, because I know how frustrated you were getting being at home all the time, so at least it gets you out the house. Just got back from work. It was ok, although I still don't really like it. And most of the people there today were very stingy and didn't tip. Cheek!

My weight actually is more. I know it is a combination of eating too much over Easter, and not dancing. But I can't blame it entirely on not dancing, because if I had eaten less, or purged more often after eating then I wouldn't have put on any weight anyway.

I am so glad you have William. And I don't see what is wrong with pissing about and having a bit of fun! I am glad that your therapist agreed not to split you up, I think that would have been very unfair of them to do that. How are you feeling today? Nik, I hope you had a good time yesterday. How are you today?

Lots of love
Emily xXx

Hi guys
Well my weekend hasnt been too bad.I think im starting to feel a little brighter on the ADs,although i am using other stuff to lift my mood.,and you know what?Im really scared to give in to the dreaded binge because in my heart i just cant be bothered purging anymore.It just seems like so much effort,so i know if i dont that ill put weight on so im feeling pretty anxious about this.
Millie how is your eating today?Do you feel its such a crime to devote so much of your thoughts on an ED?because i do!!I could be doing other things that i love like painting but the concentration just isnt there right now.
H,hope youve enjoyed your day off.How do you feel about things?Do you find it a comfort knowing you are going back tomorrow?How many people are on this program by the way?
Anyway i'll sign off for just now
Take care
Love Nikxxx

Hey Nik

I am glad your weekend has been ok. It is such a relief when you get a day or two when you just feel a bit better than usual. So what else are you using to improve your mood then?? I can completely relate to you with the not being bothered to purge thing. Sometimes it just seems like way too much effort. But then if I eat and don't purge, I really regret not purging the next day. It's a lose-lose situation really!

Have purged quite a lot today. Didn't even intend to really, the first time I had just had my lunch, and a piece of cake, and a few sweets, and I felt really sick so I purged. And then when I had done that I thought I may as well have more, so then I had some chocolate and biscuits etc and purged again. And then later on I had a few more biscuits and purged again. So not too great really. I really wish I could spend less time thinking about food and weight etc, but I can't. The whole time I was at work I was thinking about desserts, and chocolate and wanting to eat any desserts the customers ordered. And to be fair, my boss did give me a piece of the dessert I really liked the look of. But then I felt awful, and was trying to think of how I could purge it. Ah well. Have just made a date and walnut cake, it has just come out of the oven and is smelling good. My mum got the recipe, because one of her friends kids had made it and she had some and loved it, so I thought I would make it. More binge food :rolleyes:

Hope your week is ok. Are you back at work? H, good luck for tomorrow. Hope you and William don't annoy too many people!

Loads of love
Milly xxxxx

Hi peeps,
Millie, yeah it is nice to have a day off from the supervision. What a novelty going to pee on my own, LOL!
How annoying that you had stingy tips today. Spit in their food next time - only joking :D
Please don't act like if you had just purged more you would have been ok. That is not good. If you had purged more you may have damaged yourself. You know all the bad effects from purging, you don't want to tick your way through the list.
It is nice having William, and Kayla is nice too but she is only there a week or two longer now. However, whenever I am there I am constantly thinking of all you lot on here. My friends from the boards ;) Me and William are trying to recreate our childhoods by playing stupid jokes on people. It helps us to live with the stress of being in 'recovery'.
Nikkita, I am glad you are feeling a little brighter on the ad's. And it is good that you can't be bothered purging anymore. Maybe your body is telling you it is time to quit now, while your still alive.
I have enjoyed my day off, although I haven't eaten. I am disgusted to say that I have been really hungry too, presumably my body is adjusting back to the idea of being fed. I have played violin and gone to the park with my puppy. Had a run and saw a film at the cinema. So its been quite nice. Felt a bit doom and gloom for a bit just earlier, but perking up a bit now.
In answer to your question there are 14 of us currently on the program. Me and William are the eldest, the youngest is 16. And apart from William we are all girls.
Millie, I just read your other post and saw that you have had a bad day purging wise. Are you ok? It worries me. Do you get dizzy when you purge? Are you fainting from it? You are scaring me.
Hope you are ok, H xoxoxoxo

Hiya

You are listening to the proud aunt of a new baby girl :D I am so pleased it was a girl, I was really hoping it would be as I already have 2 nephews. She was born this morning and weighed 6"10. So will be going to see her later, bought a teddy for her earlier! Also bought some chocolates for her mum, but I got them really cheap, so I felt obliged to buy some to try first, in case they weren't very nice, so I bought some and then went back and got some for her. But I discovered they were nice so I have eaten too many of them and now feel sick. H, I am ok. I know I should try to cut down on my purging, not wish I had done it more, but I can't help it. I do get quite dizzy after purging, but I have never fainted yet. Sorry for scaring you! I am ok though. I meant to ask, the main threat with bulimia seems to be the electrolyte balance, is this right? And if it is then are there tests you can have done to check them? I think of you loads too, I really do worry about you. Make sure you and William don't annoy people too much or you will end up getting separated! Oh, I meant to ask, is everyone is your program underweight, or are there some bulimics of a healthy weight? I had always thought IP/day patient was mostly anorexics, but someone told me it is often 50/50. William sounds really cool, I like the sound of him! He sounds like a laugh. Oh my goodness, I wore new shoes to college today, and now my feet are covered in blisters. Why do shoes feel so comfortable in the shop and then cover you in blisters? Didn't help I wasn't wearing socks or tights I guess, but I was in agony - they hurt more than pointe shoes! It sounds like you had a nice day off. So how long have you been playing the violin for? Music is so relaxing isn't it? It is great as a stress-buster! Hope you have both had ok days.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxxx

Hi again girlies
Hope you have had ok day today.Congratulations on the birth of your niece Millie!I love babies SO much,id have ten if it was up to me,but four is plenty to cope with and there are other things id like to do now i have finished my family.
Ive been really hungry all day,sometimes when im starving it doesnt bother me but todays a bad one especially since im PMS!!Im trying to force myself not to b/p until friday.,but i can feel my resolve going.I had a day off today so ive just been busy being a mum.working the next three days.I try and fit in as much as i can since its only termtime that i work and i have so much debt to pay every month.Ive only really got work for another 6 weeks or so and then that will be it till August.
Oh, and i got a visit from the CPN today just to see how my depression is(community psychiatric nurse).He was ok so hes coming again in a fortnight.Im not sure if he will be much use but its someone to talk to atleast,although i got the feeling he didnt really have a clue about EDs,like so many people,and its SO frustrating!!like banging your head against a brick wall!
H,hope you are baring up and not being too much trouble!!
Love you Nikxxxxxxx

Hey guys, you seem to think I have a rather mischievous side to me. :p Moi? I am the Queen of Innocence! I don't know how you started to see me like that :rolleyes:
CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your niece Millie. :D
I love babies SO much, they are great. You will have to entertain us with stories of her.
Honey, bulimia is every bit as serious as anorexia. And yes electrolyte imbalance is one of the major problems associated with it, but esophageal ruptures, and ulcers are pretty damn dangerous as well.
There is an even mix of bulimics and anorexics. And many have had both. William is essentially bulimic, but he never allowed himself to gain enough weight as a teenager because of it and thus is underweight enough to be classed as anorexic too. He has a stomach ulcer because of it and that is really painful for him. Poor thing.
I always have the same problem with shoes Millie and its usually because they are fashionable rather than practical, like some beaded wedge platforms I have. They look really pretty in warm weather, but they are too heavy and as they only hook over your toes you end up scrunching up your toes to keep them on. And then they rub, and hey presto you end up with really sore feet!
I haven't played violin that long. A couple of years, I suppose. But i have played the guitar since I was eight and the trombone since I was ten.
Nik, I am glad you are trying not to b/p but starving yourself is not the answer sweetie. And if you are that hungry it is going to make you want to binge more anyway, so it is very counterproductive. I am so sorry that they aren't giving you more support yet. How long is it now until you get specialist help?
Hope you are ok,
Hugs from H xoxo :bouncing:

Hey girlies

My niece is so adorable! I suppose everyone thinks that about their baby relatives though. But she is very sweet. They are just so tiny and perfect when they are newborn. According to my brother she first sneezed when she was half an hour old, and obliged to show me how she does it at least 8 times whilst I was there!

Four sounds like enough of a handful Nik! I am one of 4, but my brothers and sister are a lot older than me, as they have a different dad. The youngest (whose baby it is) is 12 years older than me, and the others are 17 and 19 years older. So at least my mum didn't have us all at the same time, the eldest had moved out by the time I was born, so there was never more than 3 of us in the house at any time! Nik, please don't starve yourself as an alternative to purging, they are about as bad as each other.

H, I know that bulimia is dangerous (although I still don't think it is as dangerous as anorexia, because not as many people die from it). So what can you do to help keep your electrolytes balanced? And please don't suggest stop purging because it isn't that simple, as you know! So are there many people on your unit who are healthy weight, and are there purely for bulimia, or are all underweight to some extent? My feet are still hurting. A lot.

I need to go to bed now, as I am exhausted. I wish I could manage a whole day without falling asleep at random points in it!

Lots of love, take care
Milly xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Awww, babies!!! Give her a kiss from me next time. LOL!
Anyway yes, a couple of the girls are the 'perfect' weight on the BMI range, but they have all been to inpatient because how serious their bulimia had become. One of the girls won't talk to me. Like she will fully ignore me even if I speak to her directly. She is the one who threw a hissy fit that she had to eat more than me. It hurts, William said that he thinks she is jealous. Apparently a lot of bulimics really long to be anorexic, which I'm not sure is true. But he says that being as I am the epitomy of anorexia she is taking it out on me.
Are you thinking of asking to go to a programme? It could do you some good you know, and like I said bulimia is very dangerous too.
Have a good sleep.
Night night, love H xoxo

I can't believe one girl won't talk to you! That is so childish. Is she very young or something? That seems so ridiculous. She probably is jealous. I would not wish to be anorexic, because I know how dangerous it is, but in a way I would rather be anorexic than bulimic, at least you lose weight with anorexia, even if it is to a dangerously low weight. Actually, that is not true. I would just like to have the will power so I could cut down what I was eating without having b/p sessions. But I can see that it could well be a jealousy thing with her. Just ignore her, you are a much nicer person by the sound of it! I am not really considering a program like that. I am sure I could benefit from it, but there are other people who need it far more seriously, and would benefit far more. Hopefully I am still at the stage where I will be able to recover without it. I was thinking earlier though, I am not going to recover until I genuinely just want to get better. Right now I am still split, and can't decide what I want. And I am not sure how I can change that, so that I would rather be healthy than thin. I can't want to get back to dance, I have put on so much weight in the last month, it has been really freaking me out. I feel so fat. My mum is out at the moment, and I am trying to stop myself b/ping, but I don't think I will be able to. I am kind of getting back into my frame of mind where I am getting a bit despondant, because there is literally nothing else I can do. I am carrying on with the counselling, but I don't really feel like it is getting me anywhere. I just need someone to tell me what to do! How are you feeling H? Is it getting any easier to eat or are you still finding it upsetting? How does it feel knowing you have been there over a week already? How are you feeling Nik? Please don't work too hard!

Loads of love
Emily xxxxxx

Ok I will tell you what to do. You need to get yourself a 'buddy' and I sure wish I could be your buddy but its a bit impossible, so pick your most trustworthy friend. They have to understand that you are going to need them at any time of day or night and they can't take you or leave you when the mood takes them. Then your buddy system works as follows:-
You eat normally and don't purge. When you want to do something you know is wrong you call them and they don't stop talking to you until you are talked out of it. Or they come round and give you a slap (hehehehe), or arrange to meet you right then so you have no chance to b/p.
Your buddy has to understand what a serious role they play in your life. Thats why I wish we could all be together for a while and buddy each other. We all know how serious our problems are and won't let it slide.
Also you keep going to counselling and then you o to your therapy appointments when they finally come round. And then with time you will find it less urgent and you will slip up less. And then hopefully one day you will be here talking as one of the 'recovered' girls and urging everyone to follow your shiny example. :D
Love H xoxo

That is quite a good idea H, but I don't feel that there is anybody that I could ask. I don't think that I could be that open with any of my friends. Some of them know about it, but I couldn't ask them to try and persuade me not to purge etc. I think it is the sort of thing when your buddy ahs to really understand what is going on and how it feels, and none of my friends have ever had an ED, and I don't think they quite understand. On the few times I have talked to them about it, I always feel like I have lost them somewhere along the way and that they are off in a daydream. And I can't even make myself be sure that I want to stop. I don't want to put on even more weight. I want to lose weight. And if I keep eating junk food then that isn't going to happen, and I can't help it. So really the only way is to purge. I hope that I will be able to post on here one day as a recovered girly, but right now that seems an awful long way off. This is early for you to be posting. How are you feeling? You cunningly avoided all questions I asked you in that last post!

xXxExXx

Nope I wasn't avoiding them, merely taking this rare opportunity to give you advice whilst you were online! Cunning, me? Mischievious, me? Trouble with a capital T, me? I think you have the wrong H! :p
The girl, Lydia, who ignores me is 19. She really dislikes me now because William told her she was a rude b***h today which didn't go down well, because he was saying it in my defence.
Yeah, I'm back early because I was tired and I took the car for a change instead of the tube.
Um its getting slightly easier to eat, but not much. I still go all teary eyed over it. So I see everything in a watery blur when it comes to mealtimes. Yesterday I was seriously gutted because I got weighed and I had put on a pound. I was so majorly upset about it. The consultant told me that it was just because I am not empty now and that in reality I haven't put on weight yet because my body fat percentage is still the same, but....you know how bad it feels knowing you have gained at all. :(
So when do you go back to dance? I bet you have really missed it.
Hope you are ok,
Love your friend H xoxox

Oy, it is you that's never online, not me! Well, I suppose we are both online, but at very different times. William does sound like a sweetie, that was lovely of him to stick up for you like that. I am sure that eating will get easier and easier the longer you are there. It is horrible to put on weight, but in order to stay alive you will have to. You will certainly not get fat though, just think of someone that you think of as slim, a celebrity or something, and then try and find out their weight, and I bet it will be higher than yours is. I go back to dance next week. I haven't actually missed it, I literally have no motivation for anything. The only thing I miss it for is because I am putting on weight without it. Have ended up purging quite a lot tonight. I just can't see how I am ever going to get out of this.

Emily xxxxxxxx

I know, please forgive me for having been online at awkward times. I am just a pain in the butt. :rolleyes:
Please don't say that you will never get out of this. You will, it just feels hard right now, like its easier to just keep doing it. But you will get through it and emerge a better person for having been through it. Thats what I believe and I'm never wrong! Ha! Actually I'm not really that arrogant, but I do believe it. ;)
I logically am understanding that I am not fat but I still feel it. You have a digital image of your body taken on this programme and they morph it with someone of 'normal' weight for your height and age. And yes I am a lot less than that. But it still feels awful.
And with regard to your reply on the other thread, I had asked my therapist about how to help Char and that with the binging and she was very curious as to what I say when I am not 'performing for the sake of the therapist' and she felt I might have been more open. So she wants to know stuff like when I go into one of my life story moments I think. Lol, I sure as hell won't be showing her stuff like me and Emsie trying online noughts and crosses!!!
Love and hugs H xoxo :bouncing:

Hmmm, why did that post remind me of something Michael Flately said 'I'm not an egomaniac like a lot of people say. But I am the world's best dancer, that's for sure.' You are probably right, I probably will get through this, but I really don't see how. I don't want to spend the rest of my life obsessive about food and weight, but I can see that I probably will. I was thinking earlier (no comments please!) and I think that I could cope if it was purely depression, or purely bulimia, but I just can't deal with the two together. If I was depressed then that may just go away after a while, whereas with the bulimia I actually have to be pro-active if I want anything to change for the better, and whilst I am feeling depressed I don't seem to be able to do that. Whatever I do it seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I genuinely have no idea of what I can do now, I am right out of ideas. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I think that the buddy system is a good idea, but only if you have the right person to do it with, and I can't think of anybody.

I can see why your therapist wants to see the sort of things you say when you are not on your guard, but it does seem slightly like an invasion of your privacy. So do you see her every day? What is a typical day there like for you? Presumably you are still not involved in the group therapy, so what do you do in that time? I know how it feels to feel like you are very fat, even when you know logically that you are not. My BMI is healthy, I am a UK size 10, but when I compare myself to other people of the same clothes size, I just look so much bigger. And I can't explain to people why I *need* to lose weight, because they don't think I do.

xXxExXx

Honey I wish so much that there was a way I could be your buddy. In fact I was thinking how much I would like to help more with people, so I might do some volunteer work once I've got myself sorted out a bit more.
You asked how a typical day is and the answer is its different everyday. They don't like to have too much routine because they feel that it gives too much control to the eating disordered person and they can be obsessive about routine and control anyway.
When they go to group therapy I go to see my therapist. So I see her twice as often as anybody else. As to invasion of privacy I am getting to decide which posts I show her, and maybe having it written down will be easier than me saying certain things. So far I have really not delved into any history with her, which is frustrating her. But I just can't get past that other womans reaction when I told her, so I stick to 'safe' topics like whether I am in denial still and stuff.
You know Millie that the reason other people cannot understand your need to lose weight is because you don't need to. There are probably oodles of people who would kill to have a look like yours. But I know that me just telling you that doesn't make you see yourself like that. I wish it did.
Do you think you could bring yourelf to go to one of the group sessions in your area that are run by the edauk. You could find your nearest one on their website. I think you might find it helpful.
Hugs from H xoxoxoxoxo :bouncing:

I want to be able to help people as well. I don't know how, but I know what it feels like to have an ED, and I just want to be able to support other people in the same situation, and ideally I wish there was something I could do to raise the awareness of EDs so less people developed them. If I ever manage to get over this myself, maybe I will enquire about volunteering on the EDAUK helpline or something, I presume that their phone operators are all volunteers, although I don't know. Any idea?

I can see why it would be a good thing for your therapist to see what you write on here, you are probably far more open with us than her! This therapist will not be like the other woman. It sounds like she was very inexperienced with dealing with serious problems/issues, whereas this one is probably very used to it working where she does.

I suppose that other people may not think I need to lose weight, but I feel like I do. I am definately bigger than the other girls I dance with, and loads of the girls at college, and I am not just saying that. I would just like to lose a stone or so, and get down to a size 8 or something.

I have considered support groups. I just don't know if I could do that yet. I don't know that I could be comfortable just talking to a bunch of strangers. It is such a coincidence though; I think you must be the 4th person to ask me about that today. I had to speak to my Senior Tutor earlier, about applying for special consideration for my A levels, and she asked me. Ann had told her what was going on, which made it a lot easier, because I don't think I would ever have told her myself. And then this afternoon I ended up talking to my drama teacher in college, and telling her about it. I was a bit of a mess in her lesson on friday, and thought she deserved an explanation, so was planning to tell her that I have been depressed and am having trouble concentrating etc. Anyway, I ended up telling her everything, and we just sat chatting about it all for a while, and she suggested support groups too. But I really don't know if I am ready for that yet. The other thing people keep telling me to do is talk to my mum, but again, I don't feel ready. Ann, Kate, my Senior Tutor, drama teacher etc etc, all keep saying I should tell her, but I just don't want her checking up on me the whole time, and I know that is what would end up happening. I don't know what to do anymore. It sounds awful, but in a way I wish that I was worse, so could get more support. Right now I just don't feel like I am getting much at all.

xXxExXx

Oh Millie, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I was anorexic long before I really looked it and I scared to ask for help until I began getting really bad physical problems because of it. But bulimia is doing much damage inside that cannot be seen from the outside.
I won't grill you to tell your mum. I completely understand why you don't want to tell her yet. One day you will, and it will be an important day in your recovery when it happens.
So did they say you will be getting special consideration in your exams? I am so glad that some of your teachers know and can begin to encourage you to get the help you need. Doesn't it feel a relief that they know its not that you aren't interested in doing well, but just that you are having a hard time?
Maybe if we both volunteer at the help centre we will finally meet. I bet you look nothing like how I imagined, even with your description that you said.
Have you considered that you can call the edauk whenever things are bad. They are really nice. Promise.
Hugs from H xoxoxo :bouncing:

I know that bulimia can be doing internal damage. And I know it is dangerous and that I am risking my life every time I purge. But I can't stop. And I know that I need more helpt han I am getting, but it doesn't seem like getting more help is a possibility. I don't know how I can do that.

I am not sure about the special consideration yet. They have basically said that if I get a letter from my doctor then they can send it off to the exam board etc. Apparently it usually doesn't make any difference though, it is only occassionally, for eg, if you are on a grade borderline they might push you up to the higher one, but not always. I suppose it is good that a couple of my teachers know, but I still feel like they must think I don't really have a valid excuse for not working properly etc. I have thought about calling the EDAUK before, and the Samaritans, but I don't want it to show on the phone bill, which it will. Stupid itemised billing!

Milly xxxxxxx

You know that you can call the freephone line and it won't show. Or you could call from your mobile or a call box. They have an email support service too and can send you stuff to your house. And they send it in an unremarkable brown envelope so nobody can guess what it is about.
And do try for special consideration, it can make a difference if you are a borderline case. And that could make all the difference to your overall grades then.
Do consider the group thing. You don't have to say much at first if you don't want. From what I can gather you can choose to speak whenever you are ready and they won't push you.
H xoxox :bouncing:

Are you sure it wouldn't show? I thought that even free numbers came up on the bill, and my mum has this annoying habit of examining phone bills. So what code do freephone numbers start with? I always forget that sort of thing.

I will think about the group therapy, but I don't know if I could do it yet. In fact, I have no idea what I think I do need, but I know that at the moment I am getting worse. Oh, I had such a horrible dream last night! Someone told my mum about my bulimia, and I was so upset. It has made me even surer that it would not be a good idea to tell her! Haven't gone to college today. I was so shattered when I woke up, and I just needed a day off. Crap excuse huh?! Hope you are all ok

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maybe you should email them just to check, but I am sure it doesn't show. It didn't show on my phone bill. And ours is itemised. But now you have me wondering, so check with them on email.
I know what you mean about not going to college. Sometimes I wouldn't go for the same reason. But then when I started working I couldn't just skip a day here or there without having to explain my absence. So until recently I have had an excellent attendance record. In fact I was definitely of the workaholic variety, now I am scared how I will cope when I do go back.
Hope you are feeling a bit better this evening. I read your wellbutrin post and was going to answer it for you, but then I read what you said to dance and had a little chuckle instead.
Hugs from H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hey H

Just read your post on the other thread. I can't believe how immature this girl is being. I would just want to slap her! Have you tried asking if you can have a word with her, and just sitting down and having a chat to her, and try to make her snap out of it a bit? She really needs to grow up a bit. I am sure it is simply jealousy though; there is no other reason for her to act like that. Maybe she hadn't wanted to go IP or something, and resents you for that. What is she like with the other girls?

Feel a bit crappy really, but I am sure I will survive. I just don't know what I am going to do. Basically the two choices are to let it get worse or stop it, but as I have no way of stopping it then it is just going to get worse. And I hate not having the control to do anything about that, I feel so powerless. And I would just let it do what it wants, but then a little part of me can't do that, because it knows it will just make me even more unhappy. But then with the current level of help I am getting I can't do anything to make it better either. I am just trapped, and not getting anywhere, except slowly worse.

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxxxx

Honey you are really worrying me. Do you want to self destruct? Only you sound so positive that you can't get better at the moment. I am terrified that one day you just won't be here any longer because you had a heart attack from purging and ruining your electrolye balance. And I will never know what happened to you. Seriously, I am soooo worried. And this time you cannot pass it back to me. I am gonna be just fine now (apart from late again! They think I am trying to miss breakfast but its just cos I keep wanting to post first)
Every time you are going to disorder your eating today please flash a thought in my direction. I swear I will be thinking of you every minute of the day, when I am on the tube, when I have to force that food down my throat, heck even when I'm with the therapist. Remember that you are hurting my friend every time you do this.
Big hugs to you my dear Millie and much courage to do the right thing and get more help than you currently have.
Love H xoxoxo :bouncing:

I don't know what I want any more. Most of the time I want to get better, but I honestly don't know what I can do now. So that makes me feel really helpless, and that in turn makes me think I don't want to get better, and I would rather just stay like this. I just don't know what to do. Even if I am not actually b/ping I feel crap, because it is constantly on my mind.

Stop posting in the morning if it is getting you into trouble! Silly H! How are you feeling? Are you dealing ok with the increased food intake? How are you getting on with your therapist?

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxxxx

Just called the EDAUK. The woman I spoke to was really lovely, but it hasn't really made me feel any better. Basically, she couldn't suggest anything else I could do, except a support group. However, when she looked it seems there are no support groups anywhere near me. The nearest seems to be about an hour and a half away. So that basically means there is absolutely nothing else I can do, and I am just going to have to get worse and worse. Fantastic!

Have faith my little chickadee (whatever that may be) :)
Anyway, I can't help but reply in the mornings, maybe I should just get up earlier, but 6 is too early already!!!! :yawn:
WELL DONE Millie, you are so brave. I know how scared you must have been to call them. But they were nice, just as I promised.
So ok, there isn't a group in your area...hmmm...let me think....
Ok so how about asking them to provide you a telephone buddy. They do do that, and postal ones. Someone you can talk to every now and then to discuss truthfully how you are feeling. I know you have counselling, but these people have experience of eds and know how you are feeling.
And actually there is always other things you can do, as long as you hve the courage to try. And I know you have courage, oodles of it! :D
So you asked how I am doing with the food. Not great, I am always the last to finish and I get so close to being given that disgusting meal replacement gunk sometimes. I feel as huge as a house, a mansion in fact. Urgh, I cannot even bear to look in the mirror now. Gross. But today I had a lot of other stuff on my mind - check out the other thread. I had a showdown with Lydia and a breakdown with the therapist, well maybe it wasn't as dramatic as all that. LOL! :jester:
Thinking of you.
Hope everybody else is ok.
Hugs from H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hiya

No idea what a chickadee is, but it is the sort of thing people say, so that will do! I read your post on the other thread, I am so proud of you for standing up to her like that. Has her attitude towards you changed at all since then? At least you are safe in the knowledge now that it is just her problem; you have tried and if she refuses to accept your friendship then that's up to her. Stupid girl though, how could anyone not love our H??!!!!! Don't beat yourself up about taking longer to eat than the others, they have all had time to get used to it - you haven't. How are things apart from that? How do you feel about the program generally? Do you think it will help you?

I am so exhausted. I really feel like I can't deal with this much longer. I can't cope with waking up every morning, wishing I wasn't alive, feeling so exhausted I can barely get out of bed, and spending the whole day feeling physically ill because of it, not being able to stop thinking about food at all. It is just too much. And I know you say there is always something else you can do, but it doesn't feel like it right now. When even the EDA, who are trained on how to advise people with EDs, tell me that I seem to have done everything they would normally suggest and they don't really know what else I can try, it just makes me feel pretty crap really. I am just increasingly thinking that I will never be able to get out of this.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxxx

Hiya
Just a quick post to check you are ok H, you are usually online before this time! Hope you are feeling ok. Nik, you haven't posted for a few days, I am hoping it is just because you have been busy with work, and that you are ok.
Loads of love to you both
Sleepy Roxie :yawn:

Oh Millie, I just feel so down today :(
H xoxoxo

Oh you poor thing! Do you want to talk about it? You know I am here for you. And not that it will be any consolation for you, but I am not feeling so great myself! Synchronised bad times again.............

Sorry Millie, I am not trying to overshadow your bad times. And I have been soooo worried about you lately. Really I have.
I just feel its too much, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to eat. I shouldn't be. I....I just...well.....can't be doing this. I am so fat now. Two weeks, is that enough to show I tried?
Oh what the hell went wrong when they made me?
H xoxo

I am not accusing you of trying to overshadow me in the least! Please don't apologise for anything. But please please please don't give up. You are doing so well, don't give up now, it isn't worth it. You have got through the hardest part; admitting you need help, asking to go there, actually starting, increasing your food intake etc etc. Now you just have to keep fighting. And you can do this, I really do believe in you. Nothing went wrong when you were made; in fact I would say that an awful lot went right. You are so caring and considerate and brave and generous and kind, and so many other things. Just don't give in now.

So what happened today that has made you feel so bad? If you would rather not talk about it then obviously you don't have to, but it can help to get things off your chest.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stuff went wrong. Like they gave me some food that I knew wasn't vegetarian, I knew that it had red food colouring in it (it was that battenburg cake stuff) which contains cochineal. Thats not veggie friendly. So I refused point blank to even touch it with my finger. I am a majorly strict veggie girl.
So I explained why I wasn't gonna eat it and they said that I' have to drink that replacement gunk instead. So I said that I wouldn't because I had eaten the dinner, just not the afters. They said if you don't eat it all you have to drink the gunk. I said that if necessary I would do it, even though it blatantly wasn't fair! But I wanted to read the ingredients before I'd touch it because I couldn't trust them that it was vegetarian. They said that I was obviously trying to find out the calorie content or something. I was like, blatantly not the case, I just need to check if I am allowed to have it or not. And basically it all got out of hand. I refused to have anything else because I couldn't trust them. So then I got asked to accompany one of the nurses to a private area to discuss it without the whole group listening.
She was so dismissive of it. She told me that it was the oldest trick in the book claiming to have a dietary requirement to deny food. And I said that in my case I have been a strict vegetarian for nearly ten years. That I don't even wear leather shoes or anything that involved killing an animal. And she just smirked at me and said yes thats right nearly ten years, thats almost the exact amount of time since you first started to have issues with eating isn't it. I said yes, but this is nothing to do with it.
Basically they think I am just pretending. But seriously I would rather eat my own arm than an animal!!!!!!!!!!!
Then they said I am not going to be allowed to stay with the programme if I keep making a fuss like that, that I am a special allowance and if I have that much of a problem I should just go inpatient.
I feel awful, and fat, and miserable, and unjustly accused, and.....bleurgh!
But I still love you guys to pieces :)
H xoxoxox

Oh, what a nightmare! That was pretty inconsiderate of them, as they know you are vegetarian. I wouldn't even have known that red food colouring wasn't veggie friendly! I have a friend who is a Vegan though, and it has really made me realise just how much food has ingredients you wouldn't expect, or even realise unless you really scrutinised the list. However, I suppose to try and see it from their point of view; they must hear an awful lot of things which can soudns like excuses to them, to get out of eating. If the same thing happens again could you ask if there was a different dessert available that you could have, so they knew it wasn't that you wanted to cut food, but that you genuinely had a problem with that particular food. It might be worth a try, although I don't know how accommodating they are with things like that.

Please try to stay in the program though. You need help, and this can give it to you. It will be hard, but nobody ever said it was going to be easy :p You know that this si something yo uneed to do though, and given the choice of this or IP would you still rather take this? I love you so much, and I want to see you beat this more than anything.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have a third choice, I could go it alone! I just can't trust them now. I will need to scrutinise EVERY ingredient on every packet, and they won't let me do that! I thought they understood but now I know they don't get it. I mean seriously unless they understand being veggie they won't even think of some of the non veggie stuff that the could be trying to get me to eat. Like I can't eat normal cheese or anything ....or even apples that have that shiny coating because it isn't veggie.
Anyway, I don't know if I can be bothered to go back now. I don't want to eat anyway, and I want it even less now.
How are you though? Got anything planned for this weekend?
H xoxo

Just try and tell yourself the third option doesn't even exist. You have already tried that, and it didn't work, so that now isn't a possibility. You can try IP, or carry on with this :p When you get there tomorrow, try talking to one of them. Just say how strongly you feel about it, and that it is not about skipping meals, you just want to stick to your vegeterianism (is that a word?!) Just please go back. You have come too far to give up now. I am going to bed now, I am absolutely exhausted, but I will speak to you tomorrow. I hope you have a better day, just try and talk to them, but not at a mealtime or they will think its a tactic!
(((((((((((((((((((H))))))))))))))))))))
Milly xxxxxxxxxxxx

I guess I should sleep now too, but then again I don't need to get up early if I don't go?!
Oh, I guess I will see what happens tomorrow when I wake up. Ooops later today in fact!
Sleep tight, hope you feel better tomorrow too.
Hugs from H xoxo

Oh Aurora, I know your frustration sweetie. Gosh, I came here and posted twice and thought I'd post more than that, but it has just been a VERY rough last week and half, and I haven't gotten around to doing anything besides just sitting in bed being depressed :rolleyes: . That was one thing that I fear so much about getting help. I am a VERY strict vegan as well, and don't do the whole dairy/eggs/meat/etc. thing. My last doctor told me it was an "excuse" :rolleyes: . I wish I could tell you to hang in there, because it really is something you need! But, I know I should practice what I preach..and I know if it was me, I wouldn't be going tomorrow. Then again, I also seem to have a few screws loose up in my head...so don't listen to me! lol. You really are a big support to every other person on this board, and we all need you around, so please please get help because we love you and we want you to be healthy and happy...and HERE on this earth! I have a counseling appointment on Tuesday that I DON'T want to go too. I've cancelled every appointment I've had in the past...let's see if I get anywhere with this one :rolleyes: . I gained a pound, and am at 98 lbs....and all I can think about is going on a diet. Right now I am forced to shove down nearly 1500-2500 calories a day, and I am hating every minute of it. I excercised like crazy yesterday, and it's really beginning to tear me apart (gaining weight). Going from 86 to 98 in one month is just too much to deal with, and I fear I'll end up in the looney bin if I have to gain anymore weight. Oh well, enough with my worries. I hope you girls are doing well, keep smiling and holding your heads up, and don't EVER think anyone doesn't ever love you or care for you..because you girls are some of the sweetest girls I have ever met (and I have barely talked to y'all! lol), so I know your family and friends must think the world of y'all!

Aurora, you better get to bed! Don't leave William, he needs you there! You can beat this, we all believe in you :angel:

::Hugs for everyone::

Bri

Hi guys
Sorry havent been posting,just busy with work thats all.
H,so sorry to hear you are not having too good a time of it on the program.it sounds like they are being a bit too insensitive to your needs with being vegetarian.But PLEASE try and stick with it,just call it a bad day and start afresh tomorrow.you need to get better and you cant do that by yourself.
Millie hows your eating going?im so desperate to b/p right now.im just so fed up being stuck in this cycle of self destruction.I think im getting worse again since ive started popping pills like smarties just to make me feel better, and now my hubby's all worried and is threatening to tell my doc.
So what have you girls got planned for the weekend then?H,you at the program today?Well i might just go down the beach with the kids for a while.I dont feel up to doing much although i HAVE to exercise later.Do you find this such a chore?I dont really enjoy it,i just make myself.
Take care all
Love Nikxxxxx

Hi peeps,
Bri thanks for your post. Its so nice to hear from you, I was wondering if you were ok cos you hadn't been by. Oh you are doing so well too with gaining a bit of weight. I know I will be scared if I have gained again. I was 83lbs on Monday so I guess I must have gone up now. :(
Anyway I decided I wasn't going back today. So it got to 8am and the phone rang and it was one of the nurses saying that William wanted to talk and would I mind quickly talking to him. So I did and he was like, 'Where the hell are you? I can't have a laugh on my own.' And I thought, hey its not just me, i made a pact with him that we could help each other. So I was like, oh I'm just running late, tell them I overslept ok.
So I had a dilemma about the veggie issue. So en route I picked up some muesli and soya milk and took it in with me and said that I meant every word about sticking to my veggie food and if it was a problem I could bring stuff with me and they could decide what combination and amount I had to eat, providing they stuck to my dietary requirements.
I explained to the consultant that i am trying, and it makes it so much harder if they won't believe me over such a key issue. He said he would try and see that they are more accomodating as long as I don't make another fuss at the dinner table, that I should voice my opinions in private. :rolleyes:
Nik nice to hear from you! But what on earth have you been taking pill wise. Be careful sweetie, I care and worry a lot over you! Maybe your husband needs to take some action, maybe they will get you help quicker then!
Millie how are you my dear? Sorry I was so down yesterday, I was really feeling blue. Hope I didn't bring you down any further. Muchos apologies if I did. Thanks for all the support guys,
LOve H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hey girls

H, I am really glad you went in today. Are you feeling a bit better than yesterday? I hope so. I am glad that they are going to try to be more accommodating, it is obviously something which is very important to you, and they need to respect that. I suppose it is just hard for them to know who is being genuine and who is just trying to think of ways to get out of eating; as it must happen a lot. How have you been getting on with immature girl? (have forgotten her name!) Has she grown up at all since you stood up to her? So are you back monday, or do you get it off as a bank holiday?

Nik, it is good to hear from you. So how are you getting on really, you weren't too explicite. And what pills are you taking?? Please be careful. How are you getting on with b/ping? Have you seen your doctor lately? And what is happening with your counselling?

I am tired, feeling pretty crap still. Still feel helpless, don't know what to do, and like I am going to end up like this forever. Pretty much what I posted yesterday. Oh, and bloody marvellous news; tomorrow I have to work the evening as well as lunch time. Fantastic. Just what I wanted. I so desperately don't want to. Auditioned today for Me and My Girl, with Suffolk Young Peoples Theatre. I did West Side Story with them last year, and they are a very high standard. Not sure if I will do the show yet though, it depends how I am feeling closer to it. It isn't for ages yet anyway, they rehearse all day every day for 2 weeks, and then have a week of performances, and it isn't until july/august. And saw my wee niece again. She is still adorable. But even when I have had a day of doing things I like, like today, I still feel crap. It is just really really starting to get to me now. I genuinely don't know how much longer I can carry on like this for.

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxxxx

Millie!
Yeah Lydia hasnt really said much since my dinnertime outburst. So at least I don't have to keep watching my back. I go in for half a day on Monday. If I have gained I get to come home for the afternoon if not I stay until usual time. But I have quite obviously gained at least a tonne!
Hey I hope you get a part in the play. Is it a musical or what?
So what has the little munchkin aka your niece been called?
Babes we really need to figure out how to help you, I can't bear to know you are so down and deep into the bulimia. Lets get our thinking caps on. :jester: D'yu think my hat here is good for thinking???
Hugs from H xoxoxo

Hiya Aur!!!

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo glad you went in today! That was as excellent thing to do - bringing in your food! I'm also delighted that Lydia Chlamidia has left you alone!!!

HUGS!!!!!
Char and I did answer yesterday's post on my thread!

Hey Char, you are being adventurous today I see. ;)
I feel stupid, but I'm not laying in my grave just yet so I figure I must try again.
Now I must work out how I missed your answer to me on the other thread?
Let me go check again, doh!
H xoxoxo

Aur, why do you feel stupid?? I think it was a very intelligent decision you made to return to the program. After we talked last night, I was certain you'd given up, but you didn't!!! You're smart AND brave!!

Hugs, to you and all
Char

Aur, I'm going back to my own thread now - I feel as if I'm horning in. Sorry!

Hugs
Char

Glad she has calmed down a bit. She probably just needed someone to stand up to her a bit. That arrangement on monday seems slightly odd! Hope you have gained so you can leave early though :) Yes, Me and My Girl is a musical. Do you know the song 'Lambeth walk' or 'Leaning on a lamp-post'? Actually, I am sure you would if you heard them, even if the names don't mean anything! Anyway, they are both from it. It is quite a good show, I have done it before. Robert Lindsay was in the West End production, he is on the recording of it. He is very good actually! My niece is called Isabel. I find it hard to link her to a name though, she is so small! I think your hat is lovely. Seriously though, any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. I can't carry on like this. Also, any suggestions for how to get out of work tomorrow :rolleyes:

xxxxxxxx

Hmmm, something about leaning on a lamp post at the corner of the street in case a certain little lady comes by?
And Char, you are welcome on this thread too, maybe you can think of a way to help Millie because we have tried a lot of my ideas for her bulimia.
Don't run away from us Char, especially if Emma and Quench are a bit busy at the mo. You might be a little lonely else?! :)
Millie I am glad you approve of my hat. :D
Aw, Isabel. How sweet!
Yes go to work pretend to slip on some food and say you twisted your ankle and then the may pay you AND let you go home! ;)
Char, I just am a stooopid person. Sometimes you just know these things.
Love y'all,
H xoxoxoxo :bouncing:

That's the song! And the other one I said is 'doing the lambeth walk - oi!' It is a good fun show though. And anyone is welcome on the thread, I think that all of these long threads we have do give the impression of being a bit cliquey and exclusive, even though we don't mean them to be. Seriously though, I really don't know what to do now. It doesn't seem like it is possible for me to get any help really. Certainly nothing specialist anyway. Basically all I have is the counsellor in college. The trouble is with Cambridge as a place, is it seems to pretend that nobody has any problems, and that everyone is an intelligent, RP speaking perfect person, hence the lack of support groups etc!
xxxxxxxx

Hey thats true, we aren't cliquey, just talkative. Or I appear to be very talkative, just see my post number!!!
There is an answer Millie, but I may need to think on it overnight.
We have to think of the solution, not the problem!
Yeah I see what you are saying about Cambridge, but there are other solutions just waiting to be uncovered. We will get you happy again.
I like Millie to smile just like this :D although the blue is optional. LOL!
H xoxoxo

Hiya H

Just a quick post to see how you are today. Nice to have a day off? I am absolutely exhausted, have worked for 4 hours, and then I have to go again at 7 for another 3 or 4. All I want to do is sit in front of the TV and watch the OC and then stick on a film and go on the net and have an early night. And instead I have to go and give out food :rolleyes: Have you eaten anything today?

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxx

Yes I ate a five cal ice pole which froze my fingers. But it was cool and made me feel like summer is on the way!!!!
I'm well tired too, but we have visitors coming and all I want to do is go wrap myself in my duvet and watch chick flicks and mess around on the net.
Do you think that maybe we are just lazy underneath it all?
How are you doing with food today?
Love H xoxoxo

We probably are just lazy! That is probably all that is wrong with us. I won't bother telling you that a 5 cal ice pole is not enough, as you already know :p I have eaten quite a lot today. I had a mars bar at work, and so then I went to make myself sick, but I could only get a bit up because I was paranoid someone would hear. Have eaten way too much crap today though (she says whilst eating a biscuit). I really want to purge, but my sister is here, and both my parents are outside, and both bathrooms are on the outside wall facing the garden, and you can hear quite easily. Still feel crap, still don't know what to do. Getting to be a constant theme.

xXxExXx

You know sometimes I find it hysterical that we can sit around and come out with such contradictory things. You ask if I ate, I say yes and then basically admit I didn't. You say you have eaten too much crap, whilst admitting you are eating a biscuit. I sit here thinking, relax girl, you are fine go ahead eat another biscuit if you want because you don't need to lose weight. You probably sit there thinking hey H shove some real food down your gob for once before you fall down the plughole.
Doh :rolleyes:
I think our inherent laziness is the least of our worries! We are both blatantly crazy english moos :D (No offence intended)
H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hiya

Well, after all that whining I am actually fairly glad I worked today, as I got a fair bit of money. I have discovered that big groups tip well! All in all today I have ended up with £56, and I only worked about 7 and a half hours, so that is pretty good. I am so exhausted though, I am going to go to bed in a sec. Purged twice at work today though, once after a mars bar at lunch, and then I had some of the cherry and kirshe roulade that was on tonight with cream, and purged that as well. Hope you have put on enough weight to leave early tomorrow.

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxx

Not bad money then.
So Milly I have to ask how the hell you can purge in a public place like that? I find it so difficult. But then I don't purge as easily as some seem to be able to.
I am scared for you, I wish I could think of a foolproof plan to get you better. It makes me mad that I don't know how to help you yet, but I will figure out a new plan very soon. I promise.
Today I have had such an internal battle of wills going on and yet I have had visitors round so I have been smiling and pretending that life is good and stuff. Then I just got off the phone with my best friend, who unfortunately lives away from here now. She so knows how to get EVERY piece of information from me. She has an effect like a truth drug on me.
I just have been obsessing over food ALL day. I have made a piece of toast, then I fed it to the dog. I bought some sweets and then threw them in the bin. I chewed and spat too which is gross, but I just couldn't bring myself to give in and eat. And until I make some progress and can actually start to do this then I am just prolonging the agony. But then so much of me seems to want to prolong the agony. :confused:
Oh well, seems I am going to sleep later and later! Maybe I should just stay up and not try to go to sleep now. I have to be up in 4 hours and I haven't even washed my hair yet.
I think my time clock is all wrong.
Hope you are all ok my cherubs,
Love H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Um I keep thinking that maybe the others are right. Maybe you need to open up to your mum, maybe not all, but some. I mean I still haven't told all of my disordered habits to my husband as I don't want him to see all that I have done. I just told him initially that I was having a hard time eating sometimes, and that I was very unhappy with how I look.
I know you will probably not like my suggestion though.
I think me staying up all night was not a good idea, so far all I have done is visit pro ana sites and repeatedly try all the online tests to see if I really am anorexic, or if I am just delusional. And I keep trying to work out different body mass indexes for if I get to certain weights, both higher and lower than my current one.
Hope you are sleeping blissfully right now,
H xoxox :bouncing:

I was indeed sleeping blissfully! And I only woke up an hour ago. And I still feel tired. How is it possible to get nearly 12 hours sleep and still feel exhausted the next day?? I just don't see how telling my mum would help. I think that if I am going to recover from this it is professional help I need. If I thought it would help, then I would, but I think that knowing she is watching me will just make me more paranoid, and just purge more often when I am not at home.

I can't normally purge in public places either, I don't know how some people can be so quiet, with me there is an awful lot of loud retching! I just felt so desperate I didn't see that I had a choice. If anyone had heard me I was just going to say that I hadn't been feeling well all day, etc.

I don't think it was such a good idea staying up! Oh well, at least you will know for next time. I hope you get on ok today, was it today you were going to speak to someone about what you could and couldn't eat? And I hope you are allowed to leave early! I am sorry you had such a difficult day with food yesterday. I can't imagine how difficult all this must be for you, and I am just so proud of you. You are doing so well, and you have come so far, don't give up.

Lots of love
Milly xxxxxxxxx

I am glad that you were sleeping blissfully. I stayed up ALL night and I don't really know why. Its like my brain wouldn't switch off. I managed to convince myself that I am quite fat as far as anorexics go.
Anyway with regard to your mum I don't expect you to tell her you are bulimic, but maybe you could say that you are really unhappy with how you look. That you are really scared that you are fat, even though I know you aren't!
I understand completely that you don't want to admit to purging because of being watched. As I said I haven't told my husband everything about what I have done, such as the diet pills, ipecac, laxatives etc. But I did tell him how bad I felt and how scared I am of being fat. And I did admit that I have on occasion purged.
Your mum already knows you are depressed, this is just sharing a tiny bit more with her. I am sure it won't be as bad as you fear.
Chin up chuck, I still love ya ;)
Hugs always from H xoxoxox :bouncing:

Hey, just a quick post here

Nik, are you ok? I hope that everything is ok, you haven't been posting much lately. H, how are you my darling? I hope that your day has been ok.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxx

Hiya, I am sooo tired today. I think that night of no sleep has caught up with me! :yawn:
I have spent all day yawning. My therapist asked me if I had been staying up late to exercise, and I was like. Nope, just surfin around the internet!
Today was bearable, just about. I think they are going to let me join the group therapy sessions sometime soon, so that might be interesting?! And scary!
Will isn't doing too good at the moment. He has blatantly been b/ping at home after the programme. He has burst a blood ves