Well, the title kind of sums it up really. I have just been having 'one of those days' when you feel even worse than normal, but it has lasted 6 days so far. I don't know why I have been feeling worse, nothing has happened, but I have just been feeling terrible. I seem to have completely lost my strength to fight. I don't care anymore. I don't care if I get better or not. In one way I would rather I got worse, so I could lose more weight. I just can't be bothered to keep trying, when it isn't getting me anywhere. I don't see the point in living when the things that are most important to me just stop seeming to matter. I don't enjoy doing anything at all at the moment, even performing, which has always been the one thing that can make me feel better. The only thing I seem to be able to find enough energy to do is eat and then make myself sick. I just want to stay in my pjs all day and not go out the house. I feel like I have done everything I can do, and it hasn't got me anywhere. I admitted I have a problem, and have spoken to people about it. That hasn't helped. I have tried counselling. That didn't help. I went to the doctor. That made me feel worse. I have been on anti-depressants for over a month. They haven't helped. I don't know what to do now, and I don't honestly know if I care. I am about ready to give up. I just want to be back how I used to be, and I don't think I will ever manage that.

Sorry for such a self-indulgent, over-dramatic post, and thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope everyone else is ok

Thanks everyone xXx

I'm sorry your having such a rough time. I've been feeling pretty bummed lately too so i understand. I'd like to share with you some inspirational quotes one of my friends once gave me when I was depressed. I don't know if you are a Christian or not but alot of these quotes are Christian so please don't be offended by them.

"To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" Phillipians 4:13

"Blessed is the man who persevered under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recievethe crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 -there is a reason that God allows hardships in life, we wish he wouldn't but he finds a way to work all things for good in some way or another so don't give up because you are here for a reason and God loves you no matter what size you are lean on him and he can may not make the ed dissapear but he will comfort you when you seek him.

Sorry this was so long, and again- sorry if I offended you but long story short, don't give up- its worth the fight. I no its cliche but if you feel you have no reason left to fight for yourself, fight for your loved ones- and lean on them for help too. And of course, we are here for you too.

Sweetie don't give up now. You have come so far. You have been so brave. You CAN do this. You CAN get better.
Why let this problem ruin your passion in life of performing? If performing is what you love you will feel better about it again soon. Have you been feeling so empty since they upped your meds or were you like it before? Only it seems that it would have coincided with your second trip to the doctors.
And while we are on the subject why let this ruin your LIFE?
Roxie you are such an amazing person, smart, caring, attentive to others. Why would you want to risk depriving the world of your lovely self?
Write that list of all the things that can make you happy such as your friends, your family, performing, sun shining down on you. Keep it with you always, in your diary, on your bedroom wall. Don't ever allow yourself to lose sight of all the good stuff in the world. There is more, so much more, to life than this bulimia. So let yourself have a chance to live your life and not just live your bulimia.
Come on you know you want to... you CAN do this. We are backing you every step of the way.
All the biggest hugs
from Aurora xoxo
:wave:

Hey Roxie!!
....people who try to lose weight find themselves in the same frustration as they do with people who are desperately trying to get better from EDs. They say 'how can it be harder to put it on???!!!! It's so easy to put weight back on'...that's b****** coz it really is the worst!!! U aren't over-dramatising...I think u r more like me in the way in which u want to be recovered or u want something to drastically change NOW...THIS MOMENT...and for the better..because u r just sick and tired of fighting. I have felt the same...and if it is any comfort...I still do feel that way (probably every day). Counselling with someone I knew (she was a previous teacher at my school)...helped me 'talk'..but in the end...after being referred to other people..I just found myself saying 'well, im back at square one'. I mean...my counsellor did help me forget painful memories...but I dont know why I expected more than that. I dont wanna change.....Well...I do...but I dont. Anyways, Im babbling on...and although it's easy said than done when i say 'dont give up just yet'.......ull regret it another day if u do give up.

Loads of love!
Caroline x x x

hi roxie
Im feeling pretty hopeless right now as well.I feel ive lost the last bit of energy i had. I know im very sick but i have little enthiusiasm to get better. it seems we become so entrenched with our EDs and in the end its not us in control anymore, its definetely the ED.
all i can say is tomorrows another day.Just try and hang in there somehow.We can both do this.
take care
Love Nikkitaxxx

first, nikkita, we love you... i am praying for you constantly. you will find strength, i KNOW it. :)

now back to the original post, i just wanted to mention one thing... you said that your ADs aren't working and you've been taking them for a month, but sometimes it takes a little while for you to be able to tell. don't give up on them just yet, or if you think they won't work, tell your doctor so they can think about giving you something else...

Thankyou all so much for your replies. It is so good to know that there are people here who understand. I just don't feel like I am ever going to get better, and I have lost the energy to fight now.

itsjustmeLR, I was not at all offended by your post, I thought it was lovely. I am sorry to hear you have been low lately, it is so hard isn't it? I don't think I have spoken to you before, so it is nice to meet you! :wave:

Aurora honey, how are you doing? And I want an honest answer! ;) I know you are right, and that I should write a list or something of things which make me happy, but at the moment nothing seems to make me happy so I don't really see the point. I know that I love performing, but I just can't get enthusiastic about anything. I really do just want to stay at home in my pjs all the time and just sit around. For a start I am too tired to do anything else, but I also just really don't want to. I feel safe at home, and I don't want to leave that. This is quite a new thing really, I haven't really felt like that before, it seems to have been this week really.

Sorry you are feeling bad Nikkita. I know exactly how you feel with the energy thing. Am I right in thinking you started ADs around the same time as me? If so are they doing anything? Has your GP suggested anything you can do? Are you seeing a therapist or anything? I really hope you are ok.

Caroline, you are so right. I just can't be bothered to fight this anymore. I feel like I don't care what happens, and I realise that is not a good attitude. I also completely know what you mean about the back to square one feeling, it is awful when you just feel like you have done everything you can and it has got you nowhere. I haven't spoken to you much before, how are you? So what stage of recovery are you at and what have you done to get there?

Notorious b, I know I do need to give the ADs longer. I was on 20mg for a month, and they didn't seem to do anything, so I am now on 40, but I only started them sunday so I know I need to give them more of a chance. It is just hard carrying on taking them and not doing anything else to help when you feel really bad. But I won't stop taking them.

Thank you all so so much for your replies, I think I needed them! You are all such lovely, thoughtful people, and I hope you are all ok (or as ok as you can be under the circumstances!).

Lots of love

Roxie xXx :angel:

Hey Roxie!!!
Um, well...it's hard to explain. I am not 'recovered'..but...i dont really know. Im just plodding away with life......my story is rather long...it starts when I was like 13 or before....but I have posted here for absolutely ages. So, if u want to ever read posts on what's been happenin etc just search and see the furthest that they go back. They should give u a bit of an idea.
I aint really all that good at explainin...:)xx

Hi Roxie do you really want the honest answer? Well in truth I feels so physically ill now that I feel like I am dying. And the strange thing is I think I actually don't care, at least then I would be released from this hell hole of a life......in fact it sounds quite a good option now.........
But don't you dare give up sweetie because I won't allow that.
Hugs always
A xoxoxo

Yea Roxie
I think i did start ADs the same time as you.Im on trazadone. I started on 75mg and then last week my dose went up to 150 but to be honest my low mood just hasnt shifted at all.The only good thing is that they kind of knock me out when i take them at bed time so im sleeping better and because im so sedated im not b/ping so much at night(which is when i usually sneak downstairs)
How you feeling today?

Aurora
Im so sorry you are feeling so low right now.Are you seeing a therapist yet?PLEASE just hang in there.
Love Nikkitaxxx

Oh Aurora darling, please don't give up. And of course I really want to hear the truth, there would be absolutely no point in you saying everything was fine when it so obviously isn't. Would you please consider getting help? I know how difficult it is, and how easy it is for us to suggest it, but please consider it. You do sound like you are in desperate need, and you are not going to be able to rrecover unless you do seek help. I am so worried about you! Your GP would be able to refer you to somebody who can actually help you; you know you don't want to stay like you are, just keep fighting this because we all know that you can beat it. I am thinking of you. :angel:

Nikkita, to be perfectly honest I don't think I know how I am feeling. The problem is, I do think that I want to lose weight more than I want to get better. I am thinking that I don't really care if I get better or not, because even if I stop b/ping, I will still have depression, and therefore still not enjoy or care about anything, so what's the point? Have you ever been on ADs before? If so did they do anything then? I am sort of thinking that they are only going to have a limited utility for me, because although they may lift my mood, they can't change how I think, which is obviously the main problem. I am glad you are sleeping better and not b/ping as much, but it is a shame that the reason for that is that you are so sedated rather then because you are any happier. What are you planning to do more long term though? Are you having therapy or what? Do you live in Scotland, or am I totally making that up?!

Caroline, I did have a wee look at the past posts, but I couldn't find any going back far enough! Oh well, never mind! I hope you are ok even if you are not 'recovered'.

I have to say, I do think these boards are so great because we all need support, and it's so good knowing we can find it here.

Loads of love

Roxie xXx

Ive been on ADs on and off over the years because of post natal depression and yes i did feel they helped but i think my moods just too low right now.Nothing short of a miracle is gonna lift it.
Im on the waiting list for therapy but its nearly a year away. Apart from that theres just the usual psychiatric care, nothing specialised. I really think i need to be IP at the moment.
tomorrows another day.
take care
Love Nikkitaxxx

That is terrible Nikkita. They can't just leave you for a year, without help. If you feel like you need to be IP can you not pester your doctor for a referral? If it is really that serious something needs to be done about it, it is ridiculous expecting you to just carry on like this for a year, and only give you anti-depressants for help! I get so angry with the NHS! Please go back to your doctor and really emphasise just how bad the situation is, and tell him you really can't wait a year for help. I am quite appalled by that! You are right, tomorrow is another day, but it never seems to be any better than the previous day I find! Most of the time it's worse.

Lots and lots of love, and please take care of yourself
Roxie xXx

Hey Roxie. I am thinking I need to take my life back. Anyone care to join me in this event? I wasn't being melodramatic by saying I felt like dying. Physically I am doing badly at the moment, and today I almost got rushed to hospital because I collapsed at work. But I refused to let the ambulance crew take me. So now I know that I am doing badly but after having read your posts on here I know how you are all feeling bad too. What gives me the right to give up when all I tell you lot is to keep fighting?!
Ok so I was seriously thinking of suicide even up till this morning but now I don't want to. I want to get back some of the fun I used to have. I think I misplaced it somewhere along the line..... Anyone seen it? I used to have a lot of fun so it shouldn't be hard to spot! :bouncing:
So anyone got any ideas how I can do this? Anyone coming along for the ride?

Please we can get through this with a little help from our friends (thats all you lot by the way!) :wave: :angel: ;)

Take care of yourselves,
Love from Me xoxoxoxo

PS Rox d'yu think I wouldn't notice your post about diet pills just cos it ain't in this section. Don't do that to yourself please!
Nikkita I read your reply about trauma and eds. I hope you are taking your own advice and getting help to work through the after effects of your experience.

Thankyou all for your support. :D

To be honest Aurora, it sounds like it's getting to the point where you are going to end up in hospital soon whether you like it or not. So surely it would be better to try and get some help on your terms, before you don't have a choice? I know exactly what you mean about dying, I feel the same way a lot of the time, but please please don't let this beat you. I know that I only know you from what you say on here, but you seem like such a fantastic person, who I would love to know better, and I don't see why you should have to let this thing beat you. When you start recovering you will get your fun back, and eventually you will be able to get your life back to how you want it, and not be thinking about food and diet 24/7. I know I keep saying this, but please consider going to your GP, I am so worried about you.

Aurora, what is wrong with diet pills? Are they dangerous? I had this (probably stupid) idea, that if I could lose weight some other way, it would help me to recover from my Bulimia because I would be as desperate to get rid of whatever I had eaten. Bad idea?

Please take care of yourself
Loads and loads of love
Roxie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Roxie,
The diet pill thing..... well they don't really work that well unless you are clinically obese anyway. Also you get addicted to them, as I am. They are expensive. I have to buy them online because they are only available on prescription over here.
Here is a list of bad side effects that diet pills can cause...
high blood pressure
anxiety
fatigue and hyperactivity
heart arrhythmias and palpitations
congestive heart failure and heart attack
stroke
headaches
blurred vision
excessive perspiration
intestinal disturbances
dizziness
and that is just a few of the joys associated with diet pills.
Guess what else.... you are already endangering your heart with your bulimia so do you really want to hurt yourself even further?
And the majority of diet pills have no actual medical proof that they even work. They always allude to 'studies' carriedout by themselves.
And the ones that do work are in the process of being banned because of the number of deaths associated with their use.
You still want them now?
Hope not!

As to me and treatment. Yeah you are right I probably will end up in hospital if I don't do something soon. Next time I might not be awake to refuse admittance.
Why is life so complicated?

Take care sweetie.
Hugs as always
A xoxo

I have no idea why life is so complicated, I have been asking myself that so much lately. Some days all I want is to be better, and to be back how I used to be. The rest of the time I don't care if I ever get better, and I think that I may as well just die there and then. I don't know which is worse; both leave me feeling just as hopeless. I see your point regarding the diet pills. Although I didn't realise it wasn't possible to get them over the counter, I thought you could just get them in a chemist. I suppose it is better if they are not available too easily if they cause that many problems. Mind you, that list of side effects seems to be pretty standard; it isn't disimilar to those of my ADs!! I really do worry about you, you know, and I am sure lots of other people do. You know what a risk you are putting yourself at though, so I guess I should stop going on at you!

Please look after yourself
Roxie xXx

Hi Rox,
You know you are right, I do know about the dangers of everything I do. And I know them in more depth than you can get just reading about them on the net! My profession involved many years of study and whilst I am not allowed to say what my profession is I have studied much about how the body works. I am not allowed to specify any further what I do because it could be taken that I am giving professional advice, whereas I merely wish to help others break free of their destructive lifestyles. I got in trouble once for saying what I do and had my thread deleted. :nono: Naughty me eh?
The sad thing is that despite my knowing the effects of what I do to myself, I still do it. Guess I'm just crazy. Lol! :jester:
I still feel like a little kid sometimes, trying to live in an adult world. I wonder if you ever feel grown up. When I was little I thought 15 was old and 23 was positively ancient. I had no idea that I would feel so stupid and small at 23. But I do.
Weird how things work out isn't it.......my mum and dad think I am just a 'high achiever with high standards'. Their words not mine. I just always wanted people to be proud of me. Or tell me they loved me. I have real issues regarding never being good enough for anyone. Stupidly enough I would probably have got more fun out of working in a nursery or teaching people to horseride, but that would never have been good enough.
Do you feel as if you know what your root causes and triggers for your bulimia are? I think I do for my ed, but I feel weak and stupid for not coping better with them. Did your doctor do anything other than up your ad's because if thats all he is really ignoring the actual problem and its root causes.
Anyway sorry for rambling on, I am in one of those reflective moods.
Be good to yourself.
Aurora xoxoxoxoxo :wave:

You are not rambling. It's probably good for you to type what you are thinking anyway. And I like reading it, so you ramble as much as you like! I completely identify with what you are saying about not feeling adult. I realise it is somewhat different for me, because I am 17, and therefore am still supposedly at that time between childhood and adulthood, but I just feel like a child, so much. I don't feel like I am old or mature enough to cope with anything. Don't feel worse because you know what you are doing to yourself; we all know what we are doing and what damage it is doing, but that doesn't make it any easier to stop. And you are no crazier than me or the rest of us (although not too sure that is saying much!!!!!! ;) )

I don't think I do know the cause, no. I was very down anyway when it started, and I know why that is, but I don't know what put it in my head that it would be a good idea to make myself sick after I ate. I suppose it was a bit stupid of me inthe first place really; I decided I wanted to lose weight when I was a bit depressed anyway, and at first it was ok, but then one night I was at a quiz and I ate loads of crisps and peanuts and stuff, and I made myself sick. And then it just went on from there really. The doctor said he would refer me to a specialist, but I haven't heard anything yet.

Maybe you would consider going to a counsellor, to talk about your issues behind your ED. That way you wouldn't need to go via your GP or anything, you could just book an appointment with a counsellor. You wouldn't even need to mention your ED if you didn't feel comfortable with it, but if you could clear your head a bit it might make it easier for you to get professional help regarding that. Just another alternative!

Take care
xXEXx :angel:

PS. (hehe, a clue to my name! mwahahaha)

Hey Rox don't you think that the NHS sucks big time! Oh, so they are gonna refer you to a specialist. When though? You will probably be kept waiting a year like Nikkita or something. Its one of the reasons why I can't bring myself to go to the docs, because they don't give a s***! :mad:
I have a habit of daring myself to get to certain targets by certain dates and if I get given a date of even six months down the line I will end up killing myself trying to maintain enough of a rate of loss. It sounds weird, but basically if I got put off for a month like you were, but weighed while I was there then I would do everything I could to be 30 pounds lighter by the next appointment. So I would water fast to reach it. Just so I had lost enough in the meantime to be taken seriously.
Realistically I don't think I can lose another 30 pounds and still live. My BMI is around 13.5 at the moment, if I lost 30 pounds I would have a BMI of 9. I don't believe that is possible to have such a low BMI and still be alive.
It is such a catch 22 for me. If I go I will probably kill myself trying to be taken seriously. If I don't I will probably die anyway.... Wow aren't I in a cheery mood today!
I think I am gonna go to my doctors though. I just hope they fully understand the consequences of how they treat me.
So, if E is a clue for your name, is your name Emma, Emily or Elizabeth?
Just wondering..... :D maybe its Esmerelda and thats why you wanna be Rox instead!
Hope you are ok. Let me know whats going on with you.
A xoxoxoxoxo :)

P.S. No insults meant to any Esmereldas out there! ;)

Or Aurora, you have a BMI of 13.5, you will be taken seriously. That is really dangerously low, please please do something about it. I am at a healthy weight etc, so I can see why I would not be considered a priority case. Ok, it is not healthy that I make myself sick, but at least I have not almost starved myself to death! Trust me, if you go and ask for help you will get it, because any doctor is going to be able to see just how serious it is. Please don't use my doctor's behavior as an excuse not to get help. They really will understand. You might find it easier if you took somebody with you? I know that it would have made it a lot easier for me if I had someone else there with me. But it's up to you! Just please go ASAP!

My name is not Esmerelda by the way! Roxie was just the first name I thought of, possibly because I was listening to a recording of Chicago when I signed up! And I thought it best to stay anonymous so if anybody I knew read this they wouldn't guess it was me. But I don't think they will! I am so so tired, I slept dreadfully last night, and I was falling asleep all day at college, and finished at lunch and just wanted to get home! :yawn: I felt really bad as well, I kept getting tears in my eyes for no reason. Just another 'one of those days' I suppose. And I am fed up of them! Then had to have a 2 hour driving lesson. And now I get to go and jump around in a leotard for 2 hours! Joy! I wonder where Nikkita has got to, hope she is ok.

Take care
xXEXx

The thing is when i started posting on this board i was a bmi of 18.5 I think. I felt fat and ugly. Now I have lost a lot of weight according to my scales but I can't see much difference. I still feel fat. Rather disturbingly my new way of trying to calculate if I am thin enough is to count how many bones I can see. Freaky or what! My husband told me I looked vile the other day which was SO NICE! He thought I was holding my stomach in at the time and was telling me not to. So I laughed and said how silly of me and then went and cried on my own.
I don't look any better. I still look disgusting, but now I have realised that there is no way my colleagues and friends cannot see what is happening. It is making me so paranoid because I feel like they are all talking about me. This is especially at work because we all trained in the same line of work and they must know just by looking at me.
It is all so crazy, I don't want to give it up. I like being hungry, I like losing weight. But if I don't do something I am gonna ruin my chances of having kids, maybe I already have. And I will die if I don't stop soon. Why does this not scare me more? :confused:

Don't discount how serious your bulimia is. You know you can still die from it even if you are in the 'healthy' weight range. It is very bad for your heart. And you are likely to end up with electrolyte imbalances which can damage each and every one of your vital organs.
If your doctor is too stupid to realise how important it is to get you help, then I don't understand why he bothered studying medicine. Ooh aren't I being evil today!

So if your name isn't Esmerelda then I wonder what it is......
I still would put my money on one of the names I said. But don't worry I understand you want anonymity Esmerelda dearest! Ha!

What dancing is it you are doing tonight? When I was a kid I tried ballet for a bit but I was never good at that or at modern. I was too much of a tomboy, hanging from treetops and doing karate. But I have always been musical. I have always been fascinated with the idea of getting into drama. But in truth I am not a performer. The only thing I wanted to do was ride in the olympics for Britain, but it never happened! And now I have messed myself up so I dont have the energy to ride at all. Or do anything much apart from come on my computer!

Hows the driving lessons going? I was so happy when I passed my test. I love driving with my stereo turned up real loud. I am not driving much at the moment because I don't want to risk passing out at the wheel.

Having an eating disorder seriously messes with your fun doesn't it? I just realised it is robbing me of even the things I love the most. So why do I so badly want to keep it?

I am concerned that you are so upset at the moment. Are you getting counselling still? I am sure that what is making you so tired and tearful must be all of the unchecked emotions. Do you want to talk about anything honey? I am always here if you need to let anything out. Ok?

Hope you enjoyed prancing around in a leotard tonight!
Take care
A xoxoxo

Prancing around in a leotard was knackering (and I was knackered before I even got there!) I do jazz and ballet, and I had an hour of each tonight. And ballet again tomorrow night. And my feet are hurting from pointe! Dance is my weakest of the 3 (dance, acting singing), and I should think acting is my strongest, but I would really love to do Musical Theatre. I used to love riding so much, and I still do when I get the chance, but that isn't often. I was completely desperate for my own horse for so many years, but I was never allowed one! And then I had to stop really because I just didn't have time for everything. But I still ride with friends and on holiday etc when I can.

I know Bulimia can be serious, and that every time I am sick I am doing damage, but it is unlikely to kill me as quickly as your ED will you if you don't get help. I know how harsh that sounds, but having a BMI of 13.5 is just so dangerous. And you know that so there really is no point me keep saying it but I am so worried about you. I think everyone knows what you mean about the scales saying you weigh less, but the mirror not changing. I know I do, and I have only lost a little over a stone in 3 months. I know that is nothing drastic, but other people seem to think I have lost weight and I just can't see it, I feel as fat as ever.

Driving lessons are fine, just incredibly tedious! I liked them at first, but I have just had enough now. I should book my test, but I haven't taken my theory so I can't. And I don't want to book my theory because it will just be another pressure which I can't cope with at the moment. I think if I get any more stressed I will just end up doing something really stupid.

Eating disorders do completely ruin your life. You don't realise how much they can until it is out of control. I know it is partly that I am also depressed, but I don't enjoy anything anymore. I am too tired to concentrate on anything. I never want to go to dance lessons, or singing lessons etc at all, and when I am there I can't concentrate properly because I am too tired, and my mind wanders. I am getting very behind with all my coursework at college, because even if I actually sit down to do it, I can't get anything written. But when it comes down to it I want to lose weight more than I want to get better. I don't want to carry on like this, but I am completely paranoid that I will put on weight if I stop. And I weigh 9 stone as it is, I can't afford to put any weight on. If I can get down to 8 stone I think I will find it easier to stop, because I will be happier with my weight. In theory anyway! I only went to 3 counselling sessions and then I stopped. I didn't really find I could talk to my counsellor, so I would just sit in silence, so I felt like I was wasting their time and mine. I wish we were allowed to give out e-mail addresses on this site, it is so much easier to talk not on a public message board!

Please do go to your doctor soon, book an appointment! Think how much better it will be to start getting it sorted out now, than having to wait until you are rushed to hospital and then have to stay IP for months. And you know it will happen, it is just a matter of when. You are such a lovely person, and so many people would be devestated if anything happened to you, please take care.

Loads of love
Emily xXx ;)

Hi Rox/Em, hee hee. I so knew I could get it in three guesses ;)
Anyway I know this might be the most hypocritical thing I have ever said, but you are absolutely fine being 9 stone. Seriously. I thought when I got to 8 and a half I 'd be able to stop, then I thought 8, then 7, then 6 and a half, now 6... When does it end? Truthfully it will only end when you no longer feel the need to self medicate your hurt away.
Thinking that being another stone lighter will solve your issues is just denial really. I don't mean to be harsh, I just want you learn from my mistakes. If I get through this I seriously must have damaged myself. I probably won't be able to have kids or something....
I am gonna try the doctors though....soon.
Don't throw away your potential sweetie. People really care about you. I care about you. You are amazing. :)
And being bulimic is stress enough on a normal body, let alone one which is doing a high demand of exercise such as dancing! You can't let your ed rob you of dream of being in musical theatre.
I am sorry your counselling didn't go well. But I suggest you try another one. There are different forms of counsellors, some just sit and wait for you to talk, some ask questions and some seriously dig everything from you. They suit different people.
I too wish there were a way to talk personally but we must do what we can here instead.
Take good care of yourself sweetie.
Hugs always, Aurora xoxoxoxo

Hey Emily!!
Just wanted u to know that the first counsellor I went to sucked...LITERALLY!! Some sit there and just look at u whilst u babble away to yourself...and I used to think 'why the hell am I putting myself through this just to talk to myself and have minimal response?' ..and..the response I got back was just like 'dont say it..I know what ur gonna say' (in my head). I soon found the perfect counsellor (she used to be my French teacher, who i got on with well). I realised that my previous counsellor didn't have a 'young' mind ..I am not a person against older people helping me...it just didn't 'click' in the session between us. My second counsellor (the teacher)...was brilliant...had her for over 2 years..as opposed to only 4 sessions. People kept saying 'give her (the first) a bit more time'..but..if u dont feel right..u dont feel right, I suppose. I hope u found someone who worked well like mine did!!!

XXXX

Thank you both of you. I probably will try another counsellor as I am aware that I need help. The counsellor I saw was really nice, but very much followed the 'silent approach' most of the time, and I felt a bit awkward so didn't really say anything. It was ok the first time because I was just explaining what had been going on etc, but the subsequent two times I just couldn't really make myself say anything. I would be sitting there thinking things, and know if I was talking to somebody else I would porbably be saying them, but I just couldn't. So I suppose I should probably find another one. The ADs really don't seem to be doing anything at all to help, I am feeling worse now than I ever have before.

I know that weighing a stone less won't suddenly make everything ok, but it is the weight I would like to be, and if I was more confident with my body and not so desperate to lose weight I might be able to stop making myself sick. Probably stupid logic, but that's my target weight anyway. And it's not too low, my BMI would still be above 18.5 so that's not bad.

Please go to the doctors very soon. It is the sort of thing that is just so easy to put off and keep telling yourself you will go next week. I was so desperate not to go to the doctors the first time. I suppose because it meant I actually had a medical problem, and I couldn't just keep dismissing it as 'issues with food' and saying I was ok really. But it really is worth it. ANd the longer you leave it the more you are letting the ED take over, and you don't want that. Maybe you could call tonight and book an appointment; I found that once I actually had an appointment it made it harder for me to back out of going. You are so fab though, I really don't want anything to happen to you! Oh, is Aurora your real name by the way? If it's not you don't need to say what it is, but at the moment I keep thinking of you as the Sleeping Beauty!

Loads of love
Emily xXx :angel:

Hey Emily,
No you are right my real name is not Aurora. It is just the name people always call me, apparently because of my 'fairy tale complexion'. Because I have always been so pale (even before my ed) with really dark hair and eyes and really red lips. Weird huh! Someone started it when I was a kid and it stuck!
I am considering going to the doctors on monday. I think Nikkita is right- our little trio has been having a rough time of it lately. I felt so bad a few days ago that I started to plan my own suicide and cut up my wrists just to see what it was like. I know it was stupid but at the time I felt so incredibly bad, just because I ate a slice of bread. Crazy! And I know you have been feeling really low too. But we can get through this.
Do try a different counsellor. I think it will be much more helpful than your ad's are.
Take care of yourself
Love and hugs from Sleeping Beauty aka as H!
PS Wonder if you can guess my name as easily as I guessed yours! :D

Ok....... Hannah? Holly? Harriet? My mind has gone blank now!

You are right, we don't seem to be doing too well at the moment. Must be something in the air in Britain at the moment! But seriously, we need to get ourselves sorted out. I have considered suicide pretty seriously, and wondered how many paracetamol I would have to take etc. Also tried cutting myself, although not my wrists because that would be too noticable I thought. Just wanted to see what it was like I suppose. Pretty stupid! Please go on monday. Or before if you can. At the moment you are just living so dangerously, your body could give up any time, and nobody wants that to happen.

Loads and loads of love
Emily xXx

[QUOTE=Roxie Hart]Ok....... Hannah? Holly? Harriet? My mind has gone blank now!
Nope so I guess I will be Sleeping Beauty for a bit longer eh? :D
Yeah the air in Britain must be to blame for the bad time us trio have been having lately. But you don't need to worry over me, its just wasting the emotion. I will be ok. I will go to my docs, but I am soooooooo SCARED about going. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Anyway I sure hope Nikkita will be ok. And you. I do worry about you both. Isn't it weird how we all started writing together more than to anyone else, and we are some of the only brits on the boards? Strange, maybe we are just used to the accent :jester:
Let me tell you about the facts of ods with paracetamol, just in case you think it seems a glam way to go..... (watch it Aurora is off on the medical effects again!)
Firstly - it isn't a quick way to go. Many people don't even start to feel the effects of their overdose until 4-6 days later. Go figure that! Just better hope the person doesn't have a change of heart!
Secondly it works by harming the liver. Destroying your liver has to go down as one of the most painful ways to die. Trust me I have seen the effects of paracetamol on someones liver - their screams of agony were no joke!
Thirdly, most paracetamol overdose cases end up being saved these days, due to medical intervention. But most of these go on to suffer liver problems for a long time to come.
Fourthly, don't you dare think of leaving us without you! OMG! Don't even entertain the idea again. And yes I will tell Nikkita that too.
I think I will shut up now in case I am boring you to tears. HA!
Have a good day, ok?
Love from Aurora :wave:

Ok. Helen? Hayley? Heather? Heidi? Hilary?
I am going to guess this!

Of course I need to worry about you. You are anorexic. Your body is at a very dangerously low weight. You started to plan your own suicide. You are not getting any help for it. Sounds like a few reasons for worrying there?! And I will be worrying whatever you say! I also worry about Nikkita. At least we are all here for each other. I am ok really though, don't worry too much about me. I am not at a dangerous weight, I am not sick after everything I eat, I don't even binge too seriously. I have never binged thousands of calories at a time. A few squares of chocolate, or some sweets will be enough sometimes. Admittedly it is often more than that, but never enormous amounts. And strangly enough most of the time it is not much more than I was eating before this started. The only difference is now I am purging afterwards. So anyway, don't worry about me too much, both of you are much more concerning than I am!

I have had quite a strange couple of days really. Today in tutorial we were talking about stress. My tutor (William) had stuck these 5 headings up on the board (Family, Work, College, Health and Other) and we were meant to talk in little groups about what stresses us and what we could do about it. Loads of people laughed when he stuck health up there, and started joking about getting stressed over a cold etc. And that made me feel a bit weird, because I spend so much time thinking about my problems with food and depression etc. And I also didn't really know what to say for what stresses me, because I wasn't about to announce to my tutor group that I have an ED or depression, and I wasn't going to say that I hate my figure, I feel rubbish at everything and nothing makes me happy. So I just felt a bit awkward, and it made me feel a bit upset really. So that was quite strange. And then yesterday I was on the bus home from college talking with a friend who has recently gone on a diet. And anyway, so we got talking about diets etc, and I was saying that I don't really agree with diets like Atkins etc, and that I think it is better just to eat healthily, but maybe a little less than normal (bit hypocritical I know!). But anyway, she said something to me about me being the perfect example of healthy eating at the moment, and I am so healthy and it is really impressive. And I just didn't know what to say at all, so I just sort of tried to smile, but feeling awful. And then she said how I used to want chocolate all the time, and say I had a real craving and needed it, and now I don't have it and that's so good. But she doesn't know that I still eat chocolate whenever I am alone and then just make myself sick after. Anyway, so that was also a bit weird, and made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I just feel like such a hyprocrite, and that I am living a lie at the moment. Later on I went to see William just to explain that I was quite stressed and am on ADs and stuff, because I so nearly got really upset in tutorial I thought he should be aware that there were some things going on. And he said how he always thinks of me as being really bubbly and happy and lively. And everyone thinks that. And now I feel like it is just an act I have to keep up because I really can't go around acting how I feel. Several people have asked me this week if I am ok, and I don't seem very happy, and said that I don't look well or that I look exhausted. And so now I feel that I am letting it slip, and I hate people asking me that sort of thing because it just makes me feel like everyone must know what I am doing. I don't know, I am just a bit confused right now.

I have still not heard anything about being referred to a specialist. I don't know why i am being so impatient because I don't even know if I want to go. I just know that I am not going to be able to carry on like this too much longer, I think I will end up snapping soon. In one way I want help so I can stop feeling like this, but I still want to lose weight so so badly, and I don't seem to be at all, so I keep wondering what meals I can cut out without people getting suspicious, or how I can make myself sick after more meals etc. All this is just completely taking over my thoughts. Even if I manage to do what I am meant to do in the way of classes and stuff, I never give it my full attention because I am always thinking about how bad I feel and ED stuff as well. And I am certainly not improving at anything because I never practice at home like I should, so then I get a lot of criticism, and I can't really cope with it very well at the moment. So it's all just a bit of a mess really. And I just feel so selfish and inconsiderate for going on to people about things, when I have nothing to be stressed about. It isn't like I have had a really traumatic life or anything, I have just suddenly ended up getting depression and an ED. And I feel like I should be coping with it better, and not letting it take over like this. Anyway, sorry for going on so much.

How are you feeling? Have you booked a doctors appointment yet? Please please do. Again I am being selfish, but I really do need you here! I see what you mean about paracetamol not being the best way to go. I didn't realise that it was so easy to save people from it, and I also didn't know it was nearly that slow. Oh, and you never bore me so you just type as much as you like!

Loads and loads of love
Emily
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[QUOTE=Roxie Hart]Ok. Helen? Hayley? Heather? Heidi? Hilary?
I am going to guess this! QUOTE]

All I will say to these guesses :D

Ha! Did you see Nikkita is actually Nicola. We have all been pseudonyming it! Only I know that if anyone who knows me read this stuff they would know it was me. But then again I already used my nickname on here so they probably would anyway! Ooops!

Do you really think I am that anorexic? I still feel borderline. But I do know I have lost quite a bit lately...... Still feel rank though.

Hey you can't prevent me worrying for you either. I really care about you now. You are so nice and you have been so supportive, a real friend! At least we can worry together for Nikkita. BTW do you prefer still to be called Roxie?

I know what you mean about feeling hypocritical when people say things and don't really know what you are going through. People don't make many comments now. They used to though when I first started to lose weight. I got a comment today - my friend/colleague asked me to have a race to see which of us could put on a stone in weight the fastest. I said I'd rather race to see who could lose a stone fastest at which point he just said. Don't do this to yourself. And then left it at that! I was just dumbstruck, I mean I know that it is hard to hide that I have issues but still!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your tutor William is right though. Health or should I say poor health really is so stressful. All of us here know that! And you also must know that a symptom of an ed is spending all your time thinking of it and of food and excuses surrounding it.

Also don't make me shout online at you to tell you that it IS important how you feel. Don't belittle your worries. Don't tell me you have no real reason to moan. You have an ed. You can moan as much as you want. I always feel unworthy like I haven't got enough reason to feel so bad. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel bad, or that you feel bad, or that Nik feels bad. We are all trying to get through this.

Its true what you say about being in two minds about if you want to get better. I always face that too. That is why I have put off getting help in the first place. Thats the ed talking though. Don't let it take you over. It is trying to rob you of all the joys of life. Let the real you win and get better. Let that help be helpful. And let us help you get through this.

So lets swear it then - you, me, and Nik. We cannot let our eds win because then we would not be here to help each other get through this.

I will start -I swear that I will not let my anorexia beat me because I pledge to be here for my friends as long as they need me.

I sure hope you both see how much I truly want you to get better.

Love and hugs from Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty aka H :angel:

Hi Emily,sleeping beauty
How you two doing today?
sleeping beauty PLEASE see a doctor.you sound really sick and im really worried. you know your body will only take so much. Seek help now before its out of your hands like i found out.Its not nice being told you have to go to hospital or be forced there by the police.I felt so powerless but at the same time i think part of me was a little relieved.The suicide thing had been on my mind more and more. I was so sure it was the answer.I just feel really stupid and embarassed now especially since i live in a small village up in bonny Scotland.Word gets round!I do still feel like self harming though. I just dont know why.
Emily i know exactly what you mean about the whole concentration thing. I just have none!People could be talking to me and im not even listening half the time, im too busy considering what to have for my next binge,when im starving, what i'll buy etc. its on my mind the whole time even when im working.
another thing, you may be an ok weight Em but again your body can only take so much.Im round about that weight but i know my body is starting to rebel.my pulse seems to be all over the place at the moment and i get chest pains quite alot, also dizziness, blackouts and acne.
Lets all try and take the first step together.w'ell all find a good doctor/counsellor we like and take it from there.We all deserve better. we deserve to be happy.Ive found a counsellor i like.Im getting this free by the way through work. Em if your a student maybe you could through college and sleeping beauty your work?
Anyway its a start but just to have someone to talk to face to face might just help you a little atleast.
Write soon
loads a love
Nikxxx

Aurora, I think that anyone that saw my posts on here would also probably guess who I am, but I don't really think that anyone I know will be reading it. I hope not anyway.

Ok now. Honestly, yes, I do think you are 'that anorexic'. I know I haven't seen you, but it does sound very serious to me. I bet that if you saw anybody else who looked as thin as you do, you would be seriously concerned about them, but it is obviously difficult to be impartial when it is you that has the problem. Your colleague was right. There is no way your body can cope with being a stone lighter. Just think how much damage you are doing already, you don't want to make it worse. And if people are really noticing that you have a problem that should show you how serious it is. I know that people telling me I looked ill etc gave me a bit of a kick up the arse, because it made me worried that I can't hide things now. I don't think anyone knows what the problem is, except the people I have told, but it worried me a bit that people were noticing I wasn't right. Health is amazingly stressful. Not normal every day health, but bigger things (like EDs etc!) are very stressful and tiring. You know what Aurora, you are amazing. You give out such fantastic advice, and you are such a lovely person. I just wish you could be persuaded to take some of your own advice! You are completely right about feelings, whether we should be feeling a certain way or not, we are, so I suppose that is what matters.

I don't care what you call me really! Roxie, Emily, Millie, doesn't matter really! I will answer to most things, so you can try experimenting ;) Nik, do you have a name preference by the way? And are we going to get to know your name H..............? I understand if you don't want to say.

Anyway Nik, I am so glad you are getting help. I realise there are still problems despite being at a healthy weight. I think with me they are more mental than physical actually. I really don't feel like I can cope with my ED thoughts as well as my depression thoughts, it all just seems way too much. I don't think I really purge often enough to do really bad physical damage, but I certainly don't feel good. It was quite funny, I was at an english lecture at a different college today, and the lecturer was from Cambridge uni, so I am sure she was very good, but I just kept drifting off. My eyes were shutting and I could only think about all this stuff. I don't actually think I would have noticed if she had done half of it in Greek! It is getting ridiculous. I really feel like I am getting to the point where I can't carry on like this much longer. I don't know how people can live with EDs for years, I really don't. I am just desperate for my mum to leave the house loads of the time, just so I can b/p. I get really frustrated when she stays in and I can't do it.

Right then, here is my little vow

I promise that I will stay here to support my friends and not let my bulimia, or anything else, beat me

I love you two girlies so much, we need to be here for each other. And one the worsst things is that if anything did happen to any of us the others would never know. So we can't let anything heppen, ok??! Nik, I did try counselling through college, that is the one that I went to for 3 sessions but didn't really get on right with. There are a couple more though, so I might try them. I suppose it is worth a go. It has to be. And you Aurora, you really need to see somebody, and I am not going to stop this. Are you going to go to the doctors on monday like you said you would? Please do.

Loads of love
Emily
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi my dears,
Hows thing with you? Stupid question I guess because I just read your replies. Doh!
Anyway I am still thinking I ought to visit my gp on Monday but I have no idea what to say. I mean do you just walk in and say 'I have an eating disorder' or is that too presumptuous. I mean maybe I am not thin enough yet for him to see it as a problem. Maybe I should empathasise my purging more than my days of restriction. Dunno. How did you guys tell your docs about your eds?
I am worried that I am not thin enough to be properly anorexic but I don't binge, I just purge so I can't be classed as bulimic.
I just feel really grotesquely fat. I have a weird habit of trying to compare myself to other peoples sizes. So then today this woman I work with asked me to point out the first person I saw that I thought was her size, so I pointed someone out and she was surprised. She said she didn't think she was as slim as that person. But she was. Anyway back to the point, I said maybe we view ourselves a bit differently and asked her to point someone out my size. So she looked for a bit then pointed out this little girl (about 4 years old) and said we probably had the same waist size. It was such b******t! And it upset me that she wouldn't be honest. Does she think I cannot handle the truth? I'm not that unhinged! It made me real moody, but I tried to pretend I wasn't annoyed. But I so was! :mad:

As to my name you can choose whatever you want I guess, but it is truthfully one of the ones you guessed last time. However, I am one of those people that answers even if you shout 'Oi' ;)

Nik I am glad that you are being given some help now. And don't you give two hoots what people in your small town say, it whats you feel that counts. Although having grown up in a small town I do sympathise with you.
But I think it could be the best thing that has happened to you since your ed began. You seem more positive already. Keep your chin up, we are here to be your totally judgement free audience. Just know how much we care for you. :)

Emsie (well you said you'd answer to anything!) do organise a counselling session. That way while I am sitting on Monday waiting for my delayed appointment (docs always run late!) I can concentrate on you and Nik and think of you lot getting help. The concentration thing is annoying, I know, but as you start to deal with your problems you will slowly concentrate on your ed less and less.

You are both so amazing and so precious. You deserve better than this misery. You WILL get better, I have every faith in you both.

Hugs always,
H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Hi guys
Well this is the second time im writing this. got disconnected just as i was about to submit!
Anyway, Aurora i went to see my doc nearly a year ago now.I just went in and said i thought my bulimia had returned and i needed a bit of help.I was initially sent to a dietitian but she was no good. telling me to eat three meals a day didnt really go down too well!So i went back to the doc and she could see by now i was getting worse so ive been referred to this centre in Edinburgh. the waiting lists long.Probably the end of the year before i get seen.But you really need to go A.For starters you are alot sicker than i am.Youd probably be viewed as more urgent and you have to go to the docs if you want referred so you need to go. PLEASE!
Do any of you guys feel frightened to give up your ED?Even though im willing to accept help i dont think im ready to give the ED up.It scares me ALOT.
emily i was going to ask, what exactly are you studying?something to do with performing?Sounds interesting.How are you getting on with the ADs?Maybe you should see your doc. Ask for a higher dose?Im on a higher dose now and i think my mood isnt quite so lowbut it seems to fluctuate.Depressions dreadful isnt it?Its bad enough on its own never mind an ED aswell!
Take care you guys.I love you both so much.Woulnt it be great if we could meet up some time. anyway for now heres a couple of cyber hugs.
Love Nik
(E its nicola by the way!)
xxxx

Hope you guys are ok today.I'm a bit worried about you both.
Aurora, how you feeling about docs tomorrow?Good luck. I'll be thinking of you loads!Just PLEASE go.
post soon
Love to you both
Nikxxx

Nik,
I am so sorry I haven't been ignoring you but I have been a little caught up trying to work out any way to lose extra weight before tomorrow. I don't think I can stand being weighed, did they weigh you? I am so very scared. I am desperately trying to maintain some positive attitude towards it, but its fading fast. I guess it as you were saying before - I am scared to give my ed up, even though I will die if I don't.
I so hope you are feeling ok today. Take each step at a time and feel good for each battle YOU win and not your ed.
Hope Roxie is ok too .....
I wish we all lived near each other and could give more support that way. But lets keep focussed and get through this.
Hugs always from H xoxo
:wave:

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh, just wrote one of my long posts when it crashed on me! How frustrating. Anyway, I shall start again and try to remember as much as I can!

I am ok. Well, as ok as I have been lately, which isn't great but there you go. How are you two? (and you can't say ok!). Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, I was in London today meeting a friend, and I can't think why I didn't get on yesterday!

Aurora, I am so glad you have decided to go tomorrow. If your doctor even remotely knows his job he will see that you have a problem before you even say anything. But you could say that you think you have anorexia, and that you are concerned. When I went I said I had been feeling quite depressed, and he asked if I had been eating and sleeping properly, and I said I had been making myself sick. But I am really hoping your doctor will see your problem as soon as you walk in. Please don't try to lose any more weight. I think you know that your body is not going to take this much longer, and that you need help desperately; you said yourself that you know you will die if you don't give up your ED. I think you know really that your colleague was not lying regarding you being the same size as a child. I know it is hard, but you need to realise that others are going to have considerably better judgement than you about weight at the moment. It is difficult to see your own body as others see it, I always think people are lying to me if they say I have lost weight, even though I know that the scales say I have, but because I can't see it on myself I think people are just lying to make me feel better.

I am petrified of giving up my ED. I am just so worried that I will put on the weight that I have lost so far, and I want to lose another stone yet. I think that if I start putting on weight I would really have trouble coping with it. Some days I do want to get better, but most days I just want to lose weight and I don't care about anything else. I know I should be more bothered about my health, but I just can't seem to make myself. It just doesn't seem to matter as much as my weight does. Nik, I am in my second year of A levels, studying English Lit, History and Performance Studies. The ADs don't seem to be doing anything. I don't really know what I am expecting them to do, but the last couple of weeks I have felt worse than I ever have before. I just don't seem to be doing too well. I will have to go back to the doctors in less than two weeks anyway, so I might either ask to change the tablets or for a higher dose as they don't seem to do anything at all. You are so right about depression and an ED, it is horrible. I feel like I could just about cope with one without the other, but the two together I am just really not dealing very well with. It just seems like too much.

On friday night I spent a long time talking to one of my friend's mum about everything. I told her about it all a couple of weeks ago and talked about it then a bit, but not for hours like I did on friday! Although I don't really feel any better I think I really needed to get things off my chest and just talk about it all (although it did make me knackered because I didn't leave until quarter to 2!) I have known her since I was 4, and have always spent half my time at their house, so next to my mum she is next best thing. And I don't think she will tell my mum. Everyone keeps saying I should tell my mum, and I know I should, but at the moment I really feel like it would do more harm than good. Even if she tried not to she would end up checking up on me all the time and trying to check on what I was eating, and I would really struggle with that. At the moment I feel like any extra pressure or stress about anything at all will just make me snap and I will end up having a breakdown or something. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this for.

Anyway, please look after yourselves
Loads of love
Millie xXx

PS. Can't remember everything I said in my original post but this will have to do!

Hi guys
Dont think i'll write too much today. The last wee while ive just felt so weak and exhausted, particularly yesterday. I worked out as usual but i swear it nearly killed me!I felt so unwell and then my husband had to literally force me to go out later on. He wanted us all to go down the beach and i just didnt have the energy.I was SO cold all day.I guess you two are the same, almost flu like though.
I think part of the reason i dont want to venture outside is that im convinced everyone knows about the od, and i think if anyone was to pry i'd probably snap!Do any of you get days when you cant be bothered with anyone, That having a conversation is just too much effort?And you want to be left alone!
Anyway enough about my moaning. A,No i wasnt weighed. I refused to get on the scales. As i said earlier weighing someone with an ED is very traumatic and if you dont feel comfortable then refuse, but as E was saying since you are significantly underweight they should only have to look at you and it should be enough just to tell him/her your weight.Im really thinking about you though. I know how nervous you must be feeling.
E, I think its great how you can talk to your friend like you did. It must have been a relief just to unburden yourself to someone.Ok, you're maybe no nearer to help but i know just going to talk to my GP helps me,its just so nice having someone who is willing to listen. I'm one of those people who everyone tends to come to for a moan but yet i just cant unburden myself to folk.I just cant show my feelings.It seems so much easier just to plaster a smile across my face. Not healthy is it?
Anyway, so much for the short post!
Loads of love
Nikxxx

I didn't go to my appointment :( My friend was meant to come with me as moral support and she just never showed. So I figured if even my friends don't want me to beat this then why should I bother. I may as well lay down and die. I feel so sad and lonely and the worst thing is I know time is ticking away. I feel like my body is shutting down, preparing itself to die. My hair is falling out, I puke blood - not just when I purge, I can barely stand any more.
I am so sorry that I am such a complete failure.
Please forgive me. Just because I haven't got the guts to succeed doesn't mean you can't. You are both so amazing, never give in.
H xoxoxo

Oh H
You are NOT a failure, you never will be. You're scared. thers nothing wrong with that. Todays been a bad one for you. When you do go to the docs even if its on your own, just think about E and me spurring you on and giving you loads of hugs. We are SO worried about you.If you cant go to the docs for yourself then do it for us two. We would be right there for you in a flash if we could be. Just hang on to that thought sweetheart.And remember you dont have to take what any doc says if you dont want to,But going would be a huge step.
I always find when im really nervous about a situation i find its never as bad as how ive imagined it.
Oh......damn it....PLEASE JUST HANG ON IN THERE!You deserve to get through this.Its just not worth it is it?I was thinking that today. I looked in the mirror and you know who stared back?This really unhappy and haunted looking face. It doesnt make you happy does it to lose those few more pounds.
We'll all get through this together.We're going nowhere without you. you just mean too much to us.
Thinking of you
love you
nikxxxxx

Oh Aurora, not going to your appointment doesn't make you a failure at all! I am so angry with your friend right now for not turning up, I just wish I could have come with you myself. And please don't forget, we are your friends too, and I know how much I want you to beat this, and I am sure Nik feels exactly the same way. Please please look after yourself and try to go to the doctors one day this week. It is hard, there is no point trying to tell you otherwise, but you know how much you need to, and we know how much you need to, so you are just going to have to try and find that determination to recover somewhere inside you and get yourself to the doctors. I know you can do it, and I am not just saying that, I do honestly believe it. I know you must be feeling pretty low today, but how are things generally? How was your weekend? Have you considered asking your husband (you are married right??) to go to the doctor with you instead of a friend? I am sure he would just want to do anything he possibly could to help you, and would probably be quite grateful that you had asked him to go, as it will make him feel more involved. Of course if you are not married, feel free to ignore this section!!! But seriously, you really can do this, and you can do it soon. As Nik said, you can ignore everything your doctor says if you want to, but I think it would help you to know what your options are. Ok, end of lecture! :nono: Oh, and I still haven't arranged a counselling appointment, so if you are a failure then I am too, so at least we can be failures together!

Nik, sorry you have been feeling unwell; I have too actually. I didn't go to dance tonight because I am just so exhausted, but I also feel like I am coming down with something, I have a terrible headache, very sore throat, bit of an ear ache etc etc. It is just the energy thing I can't cope with. Being this exhausted the whole time, and having no desire to do anything whatsoever, even things I know I normally love. I have so many times when I just want to be left alone desperately. Yesterday evening was one of them, my mum started trying to talk to me about my depression (which she does know about, but I haven't discussed with her, just told her I have it. She knows nothing about the ED though), and I said I didn't want to talk about it with her, and basically we ended up having a huge argument, when she was calling me selfish and I was saying she was completely unsupportive and no wonder I don't talk to her about things. So that was nice :rolleyes: It is nice to have somebody to talk to Nik, you really should find someone. It wasn't actually my friend by the way, it was her mum! I find it very difficult talking to people, and I can't seem to be able to show any emotion at all, even when I am talking about things that really upset me. I just say everything as though it is a story which I am not involved in. I think it is too many years of trying to pretend everything is fantastic the whole time when it really isn't. I think it would actually help me if I could cry more often, crying is such a great release, and I feel like it so often, but then don't seem to be able to let myself. It isn't healthy to just smile about everything, but I am sure lots of us do it, I know I do. It is just a coping/avoidance strategy. It means you don't have to talk about what is upsetting you, and nobody around will ask you awkward questions. I have always managed to keep it up the whole time, but last week I must not have been doing such a good job, because I had several people ask me what the matter was, and saying I looked ill/tired etc. And I just hated it so much, I just wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me get on with things my way. Had an awful day today, just felt so frustrated and upset all the time, and have been absolutely desperate to b/p, but haven't been able to, which is just making me feel worse.

Hmmm, I seem to have lost the knack of short posts now!
Take care of yourselves
Loads of love
Millie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It is nice to see each of you being so supportive of one another. You are all special in your own ways! Please continue to take care of yourselves and each other. The world definately needs more beautiful hearts like each of yours.

:angel:

Thanks for that Dance. You know I really admire the way you help everyone and I am so happy you have been in recovery for four years. Keep up the good work, you are fantastic. :bouncing:

Nik how are you doing today? Feeling a bit better? You know it doesn't matter if people know, I know its hard but you don't have to talk to anyone about it. If they lead such pathetic lives that they need to gossip about you, then they really are sad! What you say is true though it just isn't worth it. All your ed does is cause you more pain and suffering - maybe not at first, but definitely once its got it hands on you properly. The only trouble then is trying to remember how to live without it. :confused:

Emily I am glad you talked with your friends mum. It probably left you feeling emotionally dead for a while afterwards. When I told my friend it left me feeling completely numb and empty for a while. I am sorry that you and your mum argued. Sometimes those you love really get it in the neck. My husband sure as hell has to put up with some s*** from me sometimes. And the worst of it is that its never his fault, its just me being an unreasonable b***h!

What lives we lead eh? Doh!

Anyway I had a really bad day yesterday. When my friend didn't show I just thought "Why bother I may as well just lay down and die" But today I am trying to think properly again. My friend called last night and apologised. Apparently she just felt she couldn't cope with it - listening to me talk of all I have done to myself. I was like "Ok don't worry" But really I was thinking about what it feels like to LIVE with this 24/7. It just doesn't compare. How does she think I feel? I was devastated. I still am. Then I have another friend who went completely off the wall because I hadn't gone and basically said she didn't know what to say now apart from that if I don't stop coming up with excuses then she'll see me at my funeral. Oh to have such caring friends (sigh)
So out of the three who know I only really have my husband now. I mean I'm sure others know, but they don't talk about it. But for some reason I can't bring myself to admit in front of him the full extent of my self destruction so I can't really take him. I'll have to go it alone I think.

Hope you are both ok though. Sorry if I am rambling on again, but like Emily I can't remember how to write short posts!

Be good to yourselves today and thankyou so much for your support. I sure as hell don't seem to be getting any from this end of the computer!

Love from H xoxo :bouncing: :wave:

hi guys
Well i had my first session with a psychotherapist today(my dad has agreed to pay for it)I really liked her but like you say Emily it was almost like i was reciting a story or something. I just felt unable to show any emotion and she probably wondered about the depression thing since i put on a very good front.I've got that exact same problem, always painting a smile on my face and denying anythings wrong.I was brought up not to show any emotion. Ever since i was anorexic many years ago its almost like im living this double life, but like you said there are times when not even i'm a good enough actress to cover it up and then i feel really awkward when people ask!
So physically how are you both doing today(probably a stupid question H)I'm feeling a little stronger today.You know what i did last night?I binged about an hour after id taken my meds which make me really drowsy and i couldnt even be bothered to purge. I was kind of hoping i wouldnt be feeling so hungry today and my thoughts wouldnt be so distressing but it hasnt worked out that way.I cant wait for my hubbie to go out tomorrow so i can have the whole house to myself.Ive bought in LOADS of stuff and its such a waste,but nothing stops me.
So E are you getting on better with your mum today?I know what its like when i argue with my hubbie.Its like the end of the world and leaves me feeling so vulnerable and alone. not healthy!I think we're all really fragile right now.
H, are things looking a bit brighter today?(probably another stupid question!)Like E was saying do you think you could bring your hubbie along to docs?I was very reluctant to have my hubbie involved but im kind of glad now. he doesnt know everything but he sure understands alot more about EDs and hes not on my case nearly as much to eat and i can sit and talk with him about it on some level.Maybe think about it?
Anyways this was supposed to be short!
You two take care
Loads a love
NikXXX

Please don't give up H. I can only imagine just how disheartened you felt yesterday. I have to say, I do think that your friend's behavior was very inconsiderate and unsupportive. Admittedly, it would have been very difficult for her, but not nearly as difficult as it will be for you. Your other friend, that was angry with you for not going, have you asked her to go with you? If she feels so strongly about you needing to go, she can hardly refuse as your other friend did, and I do think you would find it easier to have some additional support there with you, although I can see why it would be very difficult to take your husband. Please try and go soon though, this week if possible? I am so sorry that you don't seem to have any suport around you though, just when you need it so badly. Is there anyone that you could possibly talk to that you think would be a little more understanding - another friend, or one of your colleagues? I am so worried about you, and I think you desperately need some support.

It was a bit strange talking to my friend's mum, yeah. Even while I was talking I didn't really get how it could be me saying these things, it felt a bit like I was watching it, rather than being the one actually talking. And afterwards I did feel even stranger, but I think just saying how you are feeling, rather than thinking it, has to help in some way, even if it doesn't feel like it is. I do feel guilty about arguing with my mum, and I also feel guilty for not talking to her more about things, because I know it hurts her that I don't. But I really don't want her to know about my ED, and if I started saying about why I was depressed I think I would end up letting it slip.

Nik, I was exaclty the same as you when I went to counselling. I don't think he thought I had any problems with depression at all, I just couldn't express any emotion at all. It is quite strange really, whatever I am feeling I don't show it, even if I am talking to somebody that I know wouldn't have a problem if I started crying. It is like I can't show emotion any more, and that scares me a bit.

I haven't felt very good today. It didn't help that I have a sore throat (probably induced by purging!) and a headache (let's link that to stress eh?). But just didn't want to get up and go to college, so I didn't. Then I weighed myself and completely freaked out because I weighed a pound and a half more than I did last time. I am just so desperate to lose weight. I feel so awful when I see my thighs, they make me feel sick to look at they are so disgusting. I hate my body so much. Anyway, enough of my whining. H, I like long posts, so keep rambling as much as you can!

Dance, I just want to echo what Aurora said really. I do think you are an inspiration, and I think it is great that you post here, and help people so much. I know that it really helped me having you here when I first started posting. Thanks for everything :)

Loads of love, and look after yourselves
Millie xXx

Hiya Millie and Nik,
(Hey Millie do you make Millies Cookies?)
Anyway today has been bad again, but I guess you must both be sick of hearing that! I think I am gonna end up in hospital before the week is out. I am too weak to do anything now.... My heartbeat feels weird now too, like its skipping a beat. A bit like a palpitation but it lasts longer, almost constantly in fact.
I am still cut up about the way my friend acted and I am so sad that my other friend reckons I am gonna die soon. I think I can't afford to trust anyone now. If I decide to go then I'll go it alone.

Millie -Don't feel bad for not sharing things with your mum more. It is so hard to tell those we love what we are doing to ourselves. I am lucky that my mum and dad live a long way away from me and so cannot see what I am doing to myself. Although it makes me sadder being so far from them.
I am sorry you are under the weather at the moment, I hope you feel better soon sweetie. And don't hate your body either. Your body should be cherished, it is where what makes you Emily lives. And I for one don't want Emily to be lost. So try to be good to yourself. (Yes I know I'm a hypocrite!)
And let me tell you that no matter how much you try to change the outside you are still Emily inside and you need to learn to accept that one day.
The same for you Nicola, and for me I guess. No matter what the outside says, we are still who we are and we need to live with that. And when I say live I don't mean the half lives we are leading now, I mean LIVE:bouncing: !

Nik -I am glad you liked your psychotherapist. A lot of people tell it like they are looking in on a story which is nothing to do with them. It is a coping mechanism. And your therapist will have seen it hundreds of times before. Gradually you will learn to let your barriers down, but don't expect it to happen overnight. I didn't know you used to be anorexic, did you get help with that? How did you get past that or did it just gradually change into bulimia? You don't have to answer if you don't want.

Anyway I am knackered so am gonna go.
Take care sweeties,
Love ya H xoxoxo :p :wave: :bouncing:

Hi you two
I've just had a HUGE binge and you know what?I didnt even enjoy it.It just felt like such a chore.I think i only did it because i had the house to myself.It was like i had to get it out of the way so i can see it through the rest of the day, and as you know with the b/p comes the exhaustion afterwards.i'm still sitting in my pyjamas as im writing, which is not really like me.I seem to have less and less energy.
So H are you still going to work or are you on the sick?You sound way to weak and if you are working i just dont know how you're managing it.I'm not going to write about the docs today. i'm worried ive been pressurising you to go. You'll go when you think you are ready,but im really worried about you physically.This heart thing doesnt sound good but im not going to go on because i know you have a wide medical knowledge.I'm a bit like that myself when i was a student nurse several years ago.I just couldnt handle it though,I was doing mental health and i just found it really depressing and i didnt enjoy it.
I became anorexic when i was about sixteen.I was sick for about two years, in and out of ip,although only a general psychiatric unit, nothing specialised.I guess it helped me through a crisis period but it wasnt long before i switched over to bulimia. I was pretty bad (again!) until i met my hubbie when i was about nineteen and then after that i seemed to be doing ok with food for a while, then i got pregnant with my son and my eating just spiralled out of control. I was a compulsive over eater, and i remained that way for nearly ten years.With having five kids(one of my sons was stillborn)came five pregnancies and LOADS of binge eating which i continued inbetween until i decided about 18 months ago to lose weight which again has led me back to bulimia.So thats my history!
So how did you two end up where you are?Just ignore this if you find it too upsetting.
So emily, you feeling any better today?Do you have the flu or something?Have you decided what you want to do about the ADs yet?Like you said a higher dose could make a difference. I've noticed my mood is not quite so bad right now and atleast im getting a good sleep at night.
Anyway I'm off to get dressed before i fall back in to bed!
Love to you both
Nikxxx

Hi sweeties its me again. Ooh big surprise!
Anyway Nik I didn't know you had kids. Thats great. I love kids, but I am worried I may have messed up my chances of ever having any because I have not menstruated in a while.
Anyway I rescheduled my doctors appointment and my husband is coming with me. I know he won't let me down like my friend did. Its for Monday.
I am off sick, since a couple of days ago. I feel bad about missing work, but I am too weak to go. Yesterday I went to see a friend who is a nurse and she took me to her clinic where I got wired up on an ECG. I am quite bradycardic it seems. But I knew that anyway. She told me she knew I had a problem ages ago but didn't know how to broach the topic without alienating me. She told me to go straight to A&E but I refused so she gave me my results to take to my GP on Monday instead. I just couldn't go to the hospital, its too much, too soon.
So thats whats happenng with me.
It sounds like you have been dominated by eatng disorders since as long as you can probably remember. I am glad you will be getting help now though. Maybe you can finally get it all out and your ed can be shut away then. I sure hope so.
You ask how we ended up here. Well its strange but I always had a 'thing' about food. Sometimes I loved it and other times my mum had to really try every trick to get me to eat. When I was a teenager I got drug raped and I never have told anyone. I was/am too ashamed to talk about it. At that time I also got bullied at school - I was easy prey because I was so scared then.
So I turned to food and cut back a lot. Then I went on school camp and my teacher got concerned. She made me sit in front of 3 teachers at every meal to insure I was eating. I hated her for it and I still don't forgive her. I can't eat in front of hardly anyone now because of her. She phoned my parents and told them I was anorexic. When I came home my mum got really angry with the teacher and told her she shouldn't have done that, but that I wasn't anorexic. My parents have done a lot of fostering of troubled teens so my mum feels very experienced. But she was blinkered to my pain. So in order to stop them worrying I started to eat in excess when at home. At school I would starve all day but I ate like a horse in the evening and then silently puked it all up when I took the dog for a walk. This went on for a while but I got hold of myself a bit. Then last year I got married and I thought it would be nice to lose some weight. I experimented with ipecac and ended up bleeding from my stomach. So I calmed down again. It was the calm before the storm. In about november I slipped back to my old restrictive ways only now I used ipecac for the little I ate, and laxatives, and diet pills. Oh I've always been excessive with exercise too. My 300 cals a day dropped to 200 then 100 now rarely anything.
So that is how I ended up here (the short version(still long though soz))
I hope you are both ok. Rox are you feeling better sweetie?
Sorry for the long post.
Take care of yourselves,
H xoxox :wave:

Fortunately, no, I don't make Millie's cookies. If I was involved they would now be bankrupt as I would have eaten all of the cookies before they went on sale. By the way, you have now transformed in my mind from Sleeping Beauty, into a blonde Helen! It would be strange if I ever saw either of you, you would probably look so different to how I imagine you.

H, I am sorry you have had such a bad week. Your irregular heartbeat was obviously a warning sign your body was trying to give you. I am glad you went to see your friend, and that she was supportive of you. I am still upset about how your other friend have behaved towards you, particularly the one who wouldn't go to the doctors with you. I am so pleased and relieved that you have booked another appointment, and I think it is great that you are taking your husband with you. Although it will be very hard for both of you, I am sure it will help you to know you have his support, and it will help him to know that you are involving him, and that he can try to understand a little more about you. I am just so proud of you for actually calling and re-scheduling that appointment, it must have been very difficult. I can completely understand why you didn't want to go off to hospital, that would have been amazingly difficult, and I am sure it was hard enough booking the doctors appointment. Just do things as and when you feel ready and I am sure that you will be able to beat this. :) Please don't feel bad about taking time off work. Your health is more important than anything else, including work, and if you have to have a bit of time off to recover that really isn't the end of the world.

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. Being drug raped must have just been so horrific, and it must have been horrible not having anybody to talk to about it. So have you still never told anyone about it? Please don't feel ashamed about it, there is nothing you could have done to stop it at all. I suppose it is like EDs though, even though we shouldn't really be ashamed of them, we are, and whatever anybody says we still feel ashamed. Have you ever had counselling? It sounds like you have a lot of issues that you need to talk through before you are going to be able to get rid of your ED. If you want to talk more about anything though, we are here for you.

Nik, do you know why you originally became anorexic? You don't have to answer if you don't want. It sounds like you have had ongoing issues with food for a long time now though, I really hope that you can get it sorted out. Do your children know anything about it at all? It must be so hard to be feeling so bad, and having to look after 4 children as well, I hadn't realised you were a mum! So do you have a lot of junk food in the house anyway because of the children? It must be very difficult coping with your ED, and trying to look after your children. At least you have the support of your husband though.

I don't really know how I got here, I can't understand it. I have never had any issues with food, or not any more than normal teenage girls. I have always eaten exactly what I wanted when I wanted. My mum is tiny, and eats quite a lot, and we have always just had loads of junk food in the house, so I have just always eaten it. And I have never really been happy with my figure, but I have never really done anything about it before, I was the sort of person who would start trying to cut out the junk food and give up after 3 days. Anyway, then in october I think it was, I decided I wanted to lose weight, and that I was going to go on a diet. I was quite depressed at the time anyway, so on retrospect it wasn't really a very good idea. For 4 or 5 days I ate very very little, and then decided I couldn't keep it up, so started eating healthily, which was fine for a week or so. Then I was at a quiz one night, and there were loads of crisps and peanuts and stuff there, and I ate loads and then just felt so guilty and awful I felt like I needed to get rid of it, and I went to the toilets and made myself sick several times in the evening. After that I started being sick every time I had a pice of chocolate or whatever and I was alone. For ages I thought it was fine, and that I didn't have a problem because I was choosing to do it, and I thought I could stop anytime. There is certainly no way I would have described it as an ED. And then I started thinking it wasn't so good, and I spoke to someone about it, and it made me see there actually was a problem, and that I wasn't in control anymore. But that was months ago now, and I am still no closer to being recovered, it is probably worse now than it has been any other time.

Aurora, it is hard to talk to people close to you about things, but it is more than that I think. At first I didn't think I wanted to talk to my mum because I didn't want to worry her, but then I realised that it wasn't that at all, and that it was for me that I wasn't telling her. I don't want the pressure of someone checking up on me all the time, and right now I think I would snap if I did have that. I just really don't feel like me anymore. I'm not me. Everything that makes me me has disappeared. Nik, I am still not sure what to do about the ADs. Might just see what the doctor says when I go back. I know that I need something other than tablets to help me though, and I don't know how to get that. Right now I think that the only way I could stop would be if someone was with me 24/7, so I couldn't b/p, but obviously that isn't going to happen!

Anyway, I hope you two are feeling ok today, although you probably aren't
Take care
Loads of love
Emily xxxxxxxxx

PS. Muststopsuchlongposts, muststopsuchlongposts, muststopsuchlongposts, muststopsuchlongposts.............. It is getting serious!

Replace blonde with brunette sweetie and you will have it! Post later cos they are shutting server!
:p

Hi Guys
Didnt post yesterday. was working and didnt get home till about 10pm.
a I am so pleased you have decided to take your hubbie to docs. It must have been hard for you to ask but that in its self is such a huge step.Atleast you will definetely not be alone for this one.Its just not good form for your friends to let you down like that.
I think the original reason i became anorexic was down to my family circumstances.My dad was always very cold and critical and my mum was very over controlling even down to things like when i could change my sanitary towel or how many squares of loo roll i could use, and then their marriage was a complete mess. I dont think they should ever have got married in the first place since all they ever did was argue.There was just no affection in the house and nobody ever showed their emotions and thats definetely why i have problems expressing my emotions now.I think with being brought up in such an over controlling household thats how the anorexia started.I was finally going to control something, my body. And then i was raped nearly a year ago by a so called friend. I havent told anyone except my doctor and i reckon thats definetely why the bulimias reared its ugly head again.
what a mess!
So thats my story so far and by the way i havent seen or spoken to my mum in about six years. I think the final straw was when she wouldnt come to our wedding.It was just the last in a long line of incidents!
So yet another long one
Take care you two, you are both so precious
Loads of love
Nikxxxx

Hi guys hows things?

I feel like the whole world knows about me now. I don't like that. It makes me feel like never going back to work again because I don't want to face them. Aaagggghhhhh!!!!!!
Emily I never did tell anyone about being raped. I carry such tremendous guilt and shame still about it. I feel awful knowing that I haven't told my husband what happened and I still let him marry me. The worst is I feel like my body betrayed me, the drug that was slipped into my drink lost me all control. My mind screamed to get away but my body was unable to. I can't believe I even told you guys on here.
I am scared about my impending appointment. Very scared. But I am also scared about dying, I lie awake at night willing my heart to keep beating. It feels all fluttery sometimes then at others it feels like it is gonna jump into my throat. I have started to drink a little juice to try and get some strength back but even that makes me feel so bad. :(
Its strange because I was thinking of suicide the other day and now I don't wanna die. I'm such a freak.

Emily I also understand what you are saying about not telling your mum because you don't want to be watched. I can relate to this because I feel like I lost all my excuses when I told my husband. I mean its not as if he would ever believe me if i said I was too tired to eat, or I ate on the way home now would he? But there will hopefully come a time when you can tell her.

Nicola I am so sorry about what happened to you. I know how you must feel, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

As to the controlling family, well they do say that eating disorders are all about control when you feel like you have no control over anything else. It does sound like a harsh environment to grow up in. My parents never showed emotion either. I used to long to hear them say they were proud or give me a hug. My parents are amazing people but I felt like I was never good enough for them.

Hey sweeties we won't need counsellors soon, we have our own therapy group here. I cannot believe how much I have told you.

Mad.

Be good to yourselves.
Hugs always, H xoxoxoxo

:)

Aurora, I can imagine you must feel like everyone knows everything now, but don't forget that nobody here knows who you are! When I first started posting on here I was so paranoid that somebody I knew would see it and find out. I felt like I was saying everything I ever thought on here, and I would have just felt so awful if anyone had found out. And then I thought, what are the chances of anybody I know coming on here, reading this board, this thread, and relating my post to me?? It is just so unlikely, so I don't really think about it anymore. And there really is nothing to be ashamed of about having an ED, nobody will think any less of you for it, particularly in your proffession I would have thought. By the way, now we know what your name is, would you rather I called you that, Aurora, H? Up to you :)

I know what you mean about wanting to die but being scared at the same time H. It is strange, but I know exactly what you mean. I think I don't really want to be alive, but I am scared of the actual dying part. Weird I guess. Please don't worry about your appointment, I am sure it will be fine, adn a big relief for you to know you have seen somebody about it.

Nik, I am so sorry about what you have been through. It must have been terrible. It is strange though, most people on here seem to have had something awful happen to them which triggered them, and I haven't really. Only things which happens to loads of people like my parents splitting up, but nothing really traumatic. So I wonder what made me get an ED. Oh well.

This was a short message, will probably write a longer one tomorrow (!!), but I have to go now

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxx

Emily this is just a quick note as I am not feeling too well at the moment. I may be on later, who knows?
Anyway you can call me H or Hells or Aurora, your choice. Just don't use my full name cos I never get called that. I get called all of the above every day so any is fine.
So out of curiosity are you blonde? I have known loads of Emily's and they were all blonde. Go figure that!
You know your parents splitting up is traumatic. I know this because my best friend stayed with my family for two months when her parents split. She just could not face being around them, choosing who to stay with, who to eat Christmas dinner with, who to go on holiday with, etc etc. She still suffers now even though she has her own house and fiance and everything. Its often like the kid starts to assume some parental responsibilities and walks on eggshells around their parents about certain issues and stuff. Like I always say, it is all relative to the individual. You feel BAD and this is how you react to that pain, with your bulimia. That makes you feel BAD too so then you feel twice as bad. Then you react to the extra pain with your bulimia. Your bulimia continues to make you feel BAD and so the cycle continues until you sideshoot off and get help.
Get some counselling honey. Please. For me? Sorry just a bit of emotional blackmail there. Mwahahahahahaha!

Niks hows you today? Hopefully hear from you later.

Have a good day today sweethearts.

Love ya, H xoxoxo :wave: :bouncing:

Sorry you aren't feeling very good. Nope, brunette here too, so you now know an Emily that isn't blonde!

Ok, so parents splitting up is difficult, but it isn't on the same scale as the things some of you have experienced. And also, it was 5 years ago, when I was 12, so it isn't even recent. I never had to make the decision of who to stay with, it was just presumed I would stay with my mum etc. It has always been a bit strange, because it was my dad that left, but my mum has never stopped wanting to be with him. He still comes over a lot, and they get on well, but then he goes. I suppose it should make it easier that they still see each other and get on well, but in a way it's awkward. I never told a lot of my friends that they had split up, and since my dad was still here such a lot they never knew. Even now some people don't know. But it isn't like it was a really traumatic break up with lots of screaming and shouting; I never even knew anything was wrong until the day my dad left. Oh well, I don't know! I will see a counsellor at some point, because I know I will probably need it to get rid of my bulimia.

So what is the matter with you? Do you just feel really weak etc? I hope you feel better later. Hope everything is ok with you Nik.

Lots of love
Emily xxxxxx

Hi you two
Hows your weekend panning out then?Mines seems to be improving as the day goes on.I seemed to spend the last couple of days bingeing and then i went out for a meal with hubbie last night. i managed to keep it down but i felt SO fat afterwards and then when i got up today i felt really uncomfortable like i was going to explode or something.My tummy's really swollen today and really bad edema in my fingers and face.
Do you two ever feel so distressed and that you just cant face the day because youve convinced yourself everyone will notice youve put on like ten pounds overnight(i know thats physically impossible but it sure felt that way this morning!)Your mind can really play some tricks!
So im not feeling too bad right now since im in starvation mode. I feel like i need to detox or something, get all the bad stuff out my body. Does that make any sense?
Do you two find theres any particular food which can trigger a binge. Im thinking its definetely chocolate with me. even the tiniest morsal seems to send me in to that mode so ive decided im not buying ANY chocolate this week and i mean none for anyone.Having kids and a hubbie that can eat what he wants without putting on an ounce is really difficult to deal with.Is your hubbie like that H?Sometimes i swear mine will sit down with a really juicy pizza or something just to try and tempt me to eat some.He wouldnt say it but it does annoy me ALOT!
Emily how do you cope at family meal times since your mum doesnt know about the ED?Do you make a point of being out the house or saying youve just eaten?It must really stress you out though.
H, dont bother with what other people do or dont know about you. like you said in a previous post if they have nothing else to do but snoop then they're just not worth bothering with.I went out just to the shops earlier. i admit i felt a bit paranoid. I had my shades on though so i felt ok!But i got through it and you know what?it wasnt anywhere near as bad as i thought.
Anyway im away to tidy my wardrobe. Its been needing done for weeks. Ive got so many different sizes of clothes and ive wasted SO much money but thats another story!
Please both take care
Love ya
Nikxxx

Hey Nik

My weekend is going ok I suppose. No disasters so far. Am feeling so so desperate right now though because I haven't had a chance to b/p today or yesterday because I haven't been by myself at all, and it is just making me feel awful. I just can't wait for tomorrow when I know that I will have the house to myself for a while; I need junk food!

So often I just want to stay inside my house and not let anyone see me so badly, because I have convinced myself I have put on weight. It is particularly bad if I weigh and have put on a pound or two, because I am always completely convinced that everyone will be able to see how fat and disgusting I look, which I know is absolutely ridiculous, but I can't stop myself thinking it. This week I am meant to have been to college 5 days, been to 3 dance lesson, 1 singing lesson, and 1 drama lesson. I managed a grand total of 2 days at college and the drama lesson. That is it. I just feel so weak and awful so much of the time, it is just hard to get out of my bed. Apart from to b/p of course! I don't know if a particular food triggers my binges exactly. Usually when I eat crap I have every intention of being sick after, it is not a sidden decision after I have eaten it. I guess chocolate is my worst though, but ice cream, sweets, crisps, biscuits, whatever really. But it is chocolate I usually get the worst cravings for, so then eat and am then sick. Chocolate is just so addictive!

You know, most of the time I am ok with meals. I have been eating a pretty good diet really, my mum and friends just think I am eating really healthily. My friends keep telling me how well I am doing to eat so healthily and how inspiring it is, which makes me feel absolutely terrible. I normally have cereal for breakfast, apple for a snack, salad for lunch, and chicken or pasta or whatever for dinner. So it's not too bad. And I sometimes want to be sick after dinner, but usually manage not to be, and am ok with the other stuff. It is the junk food that gets me, and I really can't resist it. Ah well. How about you? Is it hard trying not to eat when you are cooking for your kids and stuff?

Hope everything is ok with both of you. Are you feeling any better yet H?

Loads of love
Emily xxxxxxxx

Hi you two. Hows things?

Em- cool to meet a brunette Emily finally! I was beginning to think there was a law. I should ask the other Emily if she is blonde. Maybe I should start a survey. Doh! ;)

Also Emily stop putting down your reasons for feeling bad. Like a broken record I will keep telling you - It is all relative to how the individual feels. I do know where you are coming from, I feel like it too sometimes.

OMG my fave Radiohead song just came on and its sooooooo sad but I love it. I think I have an odd obsession about sad songs. Maybe just because I am odd! :rolleyes:

Anyway, back to the point! Niks, I understand about feeling too urgh to go out in case people think it too. But it isn't the truth. In reality most people are too busy feeling insecure about themselves to notice us walking by, let alone think bad of us.

I don't really binge ever so I don't have trigger foods. I randomly ate the other day - two slices of bread and a mars bar and then had to starve for five days to make amends for the sin. I crave bread all the time though. Weird huh? I personally would consider what I ate as a binge, but I don't think it would actually be classed as it.... confusing :confused:

Millie - if I call you that I dream of big chocolate cookies that are still warm and slightly soft. Ah! What a nice thought. Anyway, I digress, you need to get the counselling started. You are missing important classes because of your bulimia. Do you want to go to university? Don't let your ed ruin your potential. Come on! Me and Nic want to see your name up in lights one day. And everyone running after you for autographs!

Me? Still feel weak and my belly has distended which is alledgedly because I am malnourished like the starving kids in Africa. I secretly believe it is due to the Mars bar I ate even though it was a week and a half or so ago.

Anyway I am tired again so I will stop boring you both.

Hugs and stuff, H xoxoxo :bouncing:

Got news for you H, the other Emily isn't blonde either. So now you know 2 brunette Emilys :)

Haha, you had better stop calling me Millie if it is going to make you want food! My mum always used to call me it when I was little, and still does sometimes. And then a friend picked up on it recently because she had just been to see the show 'Thoroughly Modern Millie', and I mentioned my mum calling me Millie, so now she does too. And a couple of other people do, but not loads! Call me what you like, I will answer to oy, you, or pretty much anything else!

I know I need to start counselling. I don't want to go to uni, but I do want to go to drama school, either to study acting or musical theatre. Not sure yet. I did want to go straight after A levels, but I am going to have to take a year out. I couldn't cope with it at the moment. You have to do a lot of talking about things that have happened to you, and how they made you feel, and try to re-create those feeling etc, and I think I would just end up having a breakdown if I tried to do that while I am feeling like this. So I am going to have a gap year. I have no idea what I am going to do in it yet.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. And you know damn well that you are malnourished and it has absolutely nothing to do with the mars bar. You have medical training; you know that it is completely impossible for 1 mars bar to make you fat. I know it is easier to tell yourself that than that you are so malnourished that your stomach has distended, but you know really.

I am so proud of you for booking this doctors appointment for tomorrow. And I also think it is a realyl good thing that your husband is going with you. It will help both of you if he is able to understand a little bit. I saw you were concerned about having to go IP, and I hope that you don't, but when you think about it logically it may well be the best thing for you, and will help you to recover more than anything else. I don't know. But we would miss you on here if you did!! :) Please don't worry about your doctor not taking you seriously. They are going to know the second you walk in that you have a problem. All you will need to do is give them details I should imagine. But it will be fine. And it will make you feel so much better when you know that you are starting to get some help.

How are you Nik? Hope your weekend is still going ok.

Loads of love
Emily xXx :angel:

Hi guys
Well, i went round to a friends yesterday,shes also a neighbour who knows a bit about whats been going on. So we were chatting and stuff,the reason i had gone round was to give her some clothes which are too big, so she was really chuffed and then she just turned round and said"I wish i could lose weight. I'm so envious of you right now"I never said anything but when i went home i was so angry, especially since she knows about the bulimia.It just sounded like all my problems were insignificant because at the end of the day ive lost weight!It really put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.Have you both came across really tactless comments like that?i mean the whole weight/food thing is on our minds constantly and stupid comments like that just do not help me cope.
And im also stressing out a bit about work.I work as an artists model and theres one particular tutor who seems to like to dress me up in these really TINY vintage type dresses and im so paranoid that if i put an ounce on i wont fit in to them. im putting ALOT of pressure on myself i know but what can i do?Nobody at my work knows anything and i kind of want it to stay that way for now.
Anyway, im done with moaning!H, all the best for tomorrow. I will be SO thinking about you. Im so concerned about you both. Its like ive acquired a couple of sisters or something!Do you know what i mean?
And no E, the only time i binge is when im al