I don't know where to start here. I've been reading the recent posts and am so sorry when I hear that we've lost yet another person to this disease.I am having a real struggle, and it would be so easy right now to throw back a few pills and let them carry all my cares away.Sometimes it just seems too hard to care, there is just too much responsibility that goes along with it.I'm 19 days clean,it seems like forever.It's like my body is on standby,waiting for me to medicate it.The nerves in my arms have been constantly jumping for the past two days now, it's so irritating ( you can literally watch my biceps jump up and down),my nerves are on edge, and I'm trying so hard to find something to focus on.I can't stand TV, I keep getting literal flashbacks of my children's dad's suicide year ago,and it's getting to the point where I just want to go somewhere and scream...and scream and scream.I feel like an empty shell that is just going thru the motions of living,trying to do what's right.Today, I feel like i just don't want to deal, with anything. I can't work in my profession due to my license being suspended,I am so frustrated over that( I never used narcotics while I was on the job,either, I took my profession very seriously) and I doNOT have the kind of money it will take to get my license back.But someone needs to hear my side of the story in that situation,and there's nothing I can do about it right now.My mind races,abut has nowhere to run to. I've cleaned, cooked walked, driven around in circles, and I look at the world, and there just doesn't seem to be a place for me.Maybe it's just not my time, I don't know.I've been on paxil for 19 days, I thought I'd start getting a little relief by now. Rationally, I know this is a long process, there is a lot of healing to be done both emotionally and physically.I am trying so hard to find some strength, some fight inside me.I don't feel like I have much left.I feel restless, useless, like I have no purpose,am unable to accomplish anything.I'm in counseling, one on one and family, I've been to NA meetings,talk as much as I can,and....nothing.Just complete emptiness.Can someone tell me this too shall pass?I'm trying to hang on, but the rope is getting real weak in the middle.... :confused:

This WILL pass. Remember the other day how your children were so happy to have 'their mom back'? You do have a purpose, sweetie! Your purpose is to raise those amazing children and have a wonderful life. You are young, you will get through this. You've been through an enourmous amount of crap that honestly nobody should have to go through but unfortunately, it did happen. However, you are going to be the best role model for your children by showing them what all you have accomplished. They will know when they get bigger how amazing you are and how you fought addiction and WON! You will have good days and bad and you are just going through a rough time. You need to call your doctor immediately and tell them that you are extremely depressed and that your medication isn't working yet. Tell him you are in really bad shape and that you are worried about your current state of mind. He has to know, you have to get help. You cannot do this on your own. I'm glad you have the NA meetings and other support groups. Being sober is hard as hell, especially when you are dealing with reality and in your situation, reality is tough. However, you cannot stop living your life. Think about what your children have been through, as hard as it is, you've got to be strong for them and pick up the pieces. You are grieving as well as dealing w/addiction and I simply cannot imagine what it must feel like. However, I absolutely know that you are going to get better and you will be happy again. There is no doubt about it in my mind. Hope - you've GOT to call your doctor. You cannot do this alone. Even if it means going into a hospital for a short time and ensuring your meds get regulated, you must do it. Let me throw something by you, I was taking about 20 lortab 10s per day and just could not stop abusing pills. I got on something called Suboxone and it has saved my life. I don't even think about pills anymore. It's a narcotic, but you don't get a high from it. It clings to your receptors and your brain doesn't crave for drugs. In addition, I've heard it is being tested as an antidepressant. It's basically for people who chronically relapse but it may be something you need right now to keep you sober. In addition, I take Lexepro and xanax and the combination of the three drugs has been the key. I feel so normal and like my 'old self' that sometimes the addiction seems like a dream. Maybe you can mention this to your doctor and see what he says? If you get on it, you have to slowly taper from it because you will have wds. However, I have no plans of getting off of it and it has helped me so much w/my drug usage and my depression. The most important thing you need to know is there is something out there that will help you. You will not be depressed and miserable for the rest of your life. I promise you on that! Please call your doctor and see if it's been long enough for the Paxil or if you should go ahead and change. Ask him about Suboxone (If he knows your an addict) and just get his opinion. It wouldn't hurt. If he doesn't know you are an addict, you can go to the Suboxone website and look up what docs in your area prescribe it. It has eliminated my depression and turned my life completely around. Please Hope - don't give up. You know your husband is up there trying to encourage you and standing my your side... you just can't feel it yet but you will. Don't give up and go to your doctor! Please, for your children, your husband, your family and for everyone that loves you! You WILL get through this!

Hope - Even not knowing your medical history, it sounds so much like clinical depression you are suffering right now and that's making you feel over the edge. I wholly agree with Banker that you call your doctor immediately to discuss this depression. (Is he/she a psychiatrist/pharmacologist who knows each antidepressant, how to "mix them", etc.?? I needed a doctor like that..someone who specialized in both psychology and pharmacology.)

I've never taken Suboxone, but have watched how much it seems to help Banker...and she sounds like just where I would like to be!

But the severe depression you are experiencing (and I've fought depression much of my life--succesfully with drugs), needs to be addressed right away. It's hard to take pleasure in--or appreciate anything--when you are clinically depressed. Three weeks is about the time you would notice if a particular drug is working. You may need a higher dosage...or a combination of two drugs...or an entirely different antidepressant. A few years ago, my doctor and I had to tackle my depression with some trial and error. Frustrating...but within two months we found a combination that worked.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. There's nothing worse than that depressive bleakness that refuses to let in any light at all. Please call your doctor...the sooner you can taper off and try a different antidepressent--if this one is wrong for you--the sooner you will start to feel some happiness again. In the meantime...just know that you WILL get better. Depresion is very treatable. It's just a matter of finding out which drug is right for you. And Banker's suggestion about the Suboxone is certainly worth pursuing! I'ts changer her life.

stay in touch, Lynn

I just wanted to let you know I felt the exact same way you do right now. I am now on day 40 of being pill free. Around the third week I felt so lost and empty. I guess it's because we make it through the HELL of withdrawls, then we feel good because we are not physically hurting anymore then at the two or three week point reality sets in and we realize we won't be high anymore. All I can tell you is from day 20 to day 40 was/is two different worlds for me. At day 20 I can remember telling myself if life being clean is gonna be like this I would rather be high the rest of my life. Now I think about pills less and less each day. Some days not at all. I promise you if you just hang in there, you will see each day getting better and better. You have made it to far to turn back now! Recovery is a process of peaks and valley's. Stay strong you will make it out of this valley very soon.
B

Hi Hope12,

I have been reading your posts, and I must say that you have a great way of describing your feelings. I read your post and say to myself, "wow,that is exactly how I feel", but I just can't put it into words.

I am on day 31 and it has been like a roller coaster ride. Everything that could go wrong, has! In the last 31 days, I went through withdrawl which was horrible, my 17 year old was in a car accident, my 14 year old tried to comit suicide last week and the hospital put her in a phyciatric hospital, my mom is still in the hospital in ICU since September from a car accident that she had with a tractor trailer, and the list goes on and on.

Being clean has been very hard for me because, now I have to face my problems head on with nothing to numb my feelings. I too don't feel like dealing with anything because it just seems to overwhelming for me. I also share your feelings about feeling like an empty shell and just going through the motions of living and doing what is right. I have drove around in my car with the stereo blarring with no where to go to, or no one to turn to. I have screamed, cried and even fell to my knees praying to God for help! I share alot of the same feelings as you do.

I am not sure if these feelings will pass, because I am only 31 days into it, but I do know one thing that I am sure of, and that is I don't want to go back to taking the pills. Things don't seem so good for me at the moment, but so far I have got myself through it without relapsing. I am not saying it has been easy because everytime something happened, I thought about the pills, because that is how I dealt with things for years. I am trying to learn on how to deal with situations that arise without taking the pills, and guess what? I still haven't figured that part out yet, but eventually I will. I still think of popping my percocets, especially when things go wrong, but thank God, I don't have any around to take, and that has helped me out tremendously. I have 31 days clean, and I can honestly say that even though things are going so wrong in my life right now, I have learned that by me taking the pills, it isn't going to make any of my problems go away. Atleast now, I don't have to worry about all the things that came along with my addiction because that was a full time job in itself.

Hope12, please don't give up hope, things will get better. Lets do this together, God knows we all need someone to talk to, to lean on and to understand what we are going through. I am here for you if you need me along with everyone else on this board. I can give you some helpful advice that has helped me, try to take one day at a time. Try not to think to far into the future because then it just becomes overwhelming. YOU CAN DO THIS, BE STRONG!

God Bless,
~Creeky

Hope----Please hang in there....each day will get better. This is the "mental" part of w/d...you HAVE to surround yourself with positive people and pray and pray for the "cravings" to subside, and they will.....
Don't surrender to the madness of using again....I am on day 17 and i have had my moments lately where i am soooooooo anxious that i feel like i am jumping out of my skin. But i also, take xanax, when i was on Paxil, one of the side effects for me, was aggitation, EXTREME aggitation...so that is when the doctor prescribed xanax along w/ the paxil,,,, but know i hear such horror stories about xanax, i wouldn't suggest you go this route. I don't abuse them at all--in fact, i am supposed to take 1 4X a day but i have a very busy little 2 yr old and i fall asleep if i take 1 so I usually just take one at bedtime.
Really just try to go with the flow....don't give in to those dam pills, i know you are stronger than them.....try to divert your attention, some how , some way.....and you will see that this feeling will slowly creep back away.
I know you can do this....look at how far you have come..you hang in there
luv,
LISA

You CAN do it, but it is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. I've done it, got the depression under control, but then I just lapse back inexplicably. Although it has been 14 years, I also lost someone to suicide (my mother). I was only 14 at the time, and am sure that kind of trauma is the main component of why some of us never find the ability to cope. I tell you, this subox thing is starting to sound like an answer. Please don't give up. People like me on day 7 really draw strength from people like you who are a littler further along. Even when you're not doing great...you are alive and you are WANTING normalcy, and that gives me hope that I will keep wanting that too.

I so much appreciate everyone's concern and encouragement.I need your words right now,they help so much.I have a dr.'s appt. in a few days, but if I start feeling worse, I'm going to call. It just seems like right now, everything seems so senseless. I am hanging tough for my kids, and they are about the only thing that's really keeping me here at the moment.Almost 20 days and this is the longest I've EVER been clean.Never Again, what you described is exactly how I feel, too. I'm over the high of getting thru the actual detox, but now I feel like I've been dropped of the edge of the world.I'm so used to everytime reality steps in to my world, I'm reaching for my bottles of pills. And now, there's nothing there.I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to stay awake. Doesn't leave me with a whole lot of choices.Everyone, your words constitute part of a lifeline for me,I just want to let you know you are making a difference in at least one person's world right now, and I'm sure many others,too.I'm going to try and check back in later, this gives me a reason to keep hanging in there right now.Bless everyone....

Hope---how are you doing today? You have GOT to use all of this bottled up energy on something useful. I have had several of BAD days now that i quit pills, but these bad days still seem sooooooooooo much better than any of the "good" days i had while i was using. You made me laugh so hard when i read you were driving and driving with no particular place to be.....sounds so much like ME!!!! My poor 2 yr old has been going for more rides in the past week than he has in his whole two years of life!!!! LOL LOL
Hey whatever works...i really think that our minds play a very big part in this madness.....attitude is EVERYTHING!!! I hate when i get in those moods....shaking, freaking out...i really believe that these are cravings. When the new buzz of getting off of pills wears off....we are left with a feeling of emptiness and BLAH...
I don't really have any answers i just wanted you to know i am starting day 18 over here and i am very aware of this disease and how it makes us feel. I have attempted this several times in the past year....once making it 28 days and the other about 65 days......this time i would like to be pill-free for good! I have done a few meetings, and they help for the moment...but then i am always back to square one the minute i walk back into my house. This is going to be the struggle of your life!!!!! When you are feeling desperate, just get down on your knees and pray, i used to think people were crazy when they would say that to me...but it does work!!!!! Well i am praying for ya Hope......keep up the good work!!!!
luv,
LISA

Hope,
I am praying things are better for you today! Remember we have been high a long time and our brain has to re-learn how to deal with everyday life. I think at around 3 weeks we start regaining our senses both good and bad. Also I honestly think from now on everytime we make it through a tough time like yesterday we become stronger mentally. That's why the next low we have will not be as bad as the one before. Because our brains are learning how to react without pills. (These are only my opinions). I guess we all think alot when going through this.
One thing I would tell myself is what good would 100 pills do me? I would be high a week or so, then be right back in the same addicted Hell. All I can tell you is I know how lost and empty you feel, but I promise it will get better. Just make it to 30 days then make a decision. I know we can beat this! I will always be here if you need someone to talk to!
B
P.S . I just read my post and I'm not sure it makes any sense, It's just what my crazy mind is thinking.

Hi Never,
Hate to "butt in" on this post, but just wanted to check in with you. You are giving some great advice and sounds like you are doing well- I really am proud for you! What about a baby #2- do ya'll have one on the way? Or, more fun in trying again? :)
We are leaving for Steamboat tomorrow- my children are so excited. We are leaving my one year old with my parents, as we feel she is a little bit too young, but my five and four year old are beside themselves. I will sure miss the boards as they are my daily dose of encouragement. But, we need a family get a way and being here in MS, my children don't have a clue about snow, so, it will do us all some good to have FUN in the snow!
Well, take care and God bless!


Hope,
Hang in there- I know it is a roller coaster ride right now, but things will eventually get better and better. I don't know what your faith is, but I can assure you God will not give you more than you can handle, so hold on to that thought and know that this, too, shall pass! You are strong and are beating this and will continue to beat this! My thoughts are with you. :)


Take care ya'll,
michelle

Michelle,
Everything is going pretty good. It's day 41 or so for me and things truly do get better with each passing day. No luck on #2 this time. I certainly do not mind the trying part of it, However my wife may disagree.I warned her if there was no luck this month get ready for next month. We will be either divorced or pregnant by the end of March(jk). I can't wait to tell my daughter she will have a brother or sister, she will be so excited. That's what she said she wanted for Christmas. I hope you and your family have a great time on vacation. We are going to see the Passion of the Christ on Sunday.Our church bought it out for the afternoon. I hope you are doing good also, it sounds like it! An old man told me onetime, somethings are so hard only time can heal them. Recovery is one of those things in my opinion. What do you think about the family that is missing. I am just praying for their safe return. Have a great time on vacation! You and your family deserve it.
I think I just got suckered in to coaching my daughters T-Ball team this year.

B

That poor family- I am afraid they have been killed.

My husband "knew of" that guy- he used to work in the office building next to my husband's office building. Kind of surreal, huh?

Well, good luck trying for baby #2! My son has been on an "I want a brother" kick lately. He says that "sissy" has a sister, but he doesn't have a brother. My husband was like, "Okay, buddy, we will get you a brother!" I am like, "Don't ya think I need to be involved in this little decision here?" If we had another, I am telling ya, it would be a girl, and don't think I would keep trying until we had a boy! :)

I can't wait to see "The Passion." Our church did the same thing, but we will be in Steamboat. I'll admit though, it will be hard for me to watch- I cry very easy. I imagine I will be SOBBING! I don't think I will be the only one though! Hope you enjoy it- you will have to give me a little updateokay?

Well, take care, again, and continue to fight the good fight! :)
michelle

Hope,
Just checking to see how you are doing today.

B

Hi everyone,I'm still here.I had a dream lastnight,and in it, one of the people who used to give me loads of pills was about to give 100 vikes,300 ultrams, and I was just standing there trying to tell them no, but the words wouldn't come out and then I woke up.Maybe a sign I'm at a crossroads here.I am craving real bad, reminiscing what it would be like again....but instead i've listened to music,written some more "poetry", fixed a leak in the bathroom an am trying to motivate myself to go take a walk for about an hour.. the sun is shining.I guess right now I'm in a real search for a purpose, trying to search for goals to set and and look forward to.Of course, my kids are first and foremost,but I do know that I have got to get my head on straight so I am able to set a decent example for them to follow.Meredith, I do take short dips in the pity pot,but try not to stay there too long.But, sometimes I love to swim for awhile lol.Lisa,I love reading your posts, and sounds like you're right behind me,I'm 20 days clean now,I think.But look like you've done this before, so you're a little bit better at this than me with knowing what to expect.I feel like I've been broadsided by a mack truck.I am fighting for 30 days clean,I want it so bad.Michelle,twinlynn,never,and everyone else that I haven't mentioned (because I have a memory bank the size of a molecule right now) thank you for all your words of inspiration and sharing your experiences.I need this at the moment,and your help has been unmeasurable.I'm goig to take that walk now,and see if I can clear some of these cobwebs.I'm going to check back afterwards, I look forward to talking with everybody.Bless everyone....

Thanx Meredith,A slap in the face is probably what I need right now,and I know I can count on you to deliver.I'm feeling a little better right now,and one thing I DO do is pray.In fact I talk to God quite a bit.On more than one occasion I have felt my children's dad's presence,and I'm not kidding. I've had signs coming at me from him all over the place.I draw strength from it,and it reinforces my commitment to sobriety at my most weakest moments.Six months ago, I would of caved in to these cravings,but I feel like there is a force from somewhere else helping me to stay strong.I've been posting when I'm feeling especially weak,and my emotions seem to change from moment to moment.I hate the instability,but I know this is a part of the process of reentering society and what's real.I'm just going to keep on keepin on, and if it looks as if I'm getting whiny, well...I am.Anytime anyone thinks I need a reality check, jump right in,because the reality is I did this to myself, and I have to pull myself out of this mess.I don't ever want to return to the full time job(plus overtime) of chasing my DOC around every single day again and running to eight different pharmacies and trying to keep all my lies straight.That has definitely been one big monster that sobriety has taken off my back.I know it will take many more off in the months to come.Thanks for being there, meredith, and everyone else,too.God bless...

Meredith, I take your comments seriously because I can only learn and be inspired by someone who's traveled the road of sobriety longer than I have.I'm glad you're here,with all your words of wisdom.I value anyone who has taken time out of their day to respond to our postings,and show they care in most part about people who they'll never be able to put a face too.Thanx for the cold splash of water,and I can't say I won't be needing more of'em down the road....