:confused: still wating for the results and yes i slipped ( a.k.a. taking more than prescribed but if the doctors knew you could take 30 10mg percocet in a day what would they actually prescribe) the meds they gave for the procedeure didnt do squat, my tolerance is over the top, because of my addiction, i am awaiting the results very impatienly, ive been extremely depressed over alot of issues, my taking those pills and ruining the clean time and just how friggin boring my entire existence is, whats the point cooking wiping cleaning shopping same old crap over and over again, new bills new troubles, job sucks..where is my happy, and if it is cancer i am screwed because i wont be able to deal with a pain pill addiction and cancer surgery, id be to afraid of telling the dr and then if i have pain getting prescribed motrin...im sorry alot in my head lately just need to vent im glad everyone is here

whats up there bud...what is your issue?...sounds a bit like you are depressed....

Willow - you are thinking the worst! I know it's VERY easy for me to say but let's please just think positively to the best of our ability during this 'waiting game'? You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking of all of the what ifs... You can get through this no matter what. They have pain medicine for addicts other than just Motrin. They can give you methadone which works, trust me. I've taken it before and it works!!! Come on, Willow. You simply have to be strong during this. Can you stay busy or anything? I know it sounds like I'm asking the impossible but you really will go nuts obsessing over this. What can you do to help yourself? Honestly, what are your options here to get though this until you hear the results? I'm praying SO much for you!!!

Here I come again with my know-it-all-for-everyone-except-myself advice...but I can tell you what I have witnessed in 12 years of working in pharmacy. If you have cancer, your history of drug addiction does NOT mean that the Dr. will not do whatever is necessary to control your pain. Only thing is, you have to come clean with him. I have found that cancer is one of the few afflictions that even addicts get adequate pain management for, despite their addictive history. Cancer pain is in a class way off by itself...it is not like having your wisdom teeth pulled or a broken arm. You tell the oncologist that you are an addict and to what degree, and they will still work with you to manage your pain, which certainly will include opiates. If anyone else has had any other experience in this situation, I will concede that I don't know all the answers in all the situations. This is just what I have seen in virtually every cancer/addict case that I have witnessed.

And yes, I agree that reality is really boring! And HARD! I don't suppose that one would generally describe something that is hard as also being boring, but I am sure you understand what I am trying to say. Day 7 for me, and I could find the strength to go clean the kitchen. But what for? Just to do it again tomorrow? Where do normal people find the strength/will/interest to live normal lives? Why can't I be like those people? You know, the other soccer moms who just seem to happily accept their daily routines and have well adjusted children and clean houses and happy husbands and NO DRUGS. Why am I not that strong? (Sorry, got to self pity rambling a bit). You, and everyone else's stories I have read today for that matter, will all be in my prayers tonight, which by the way, will be the first night of my life that I genuinely am going to try to give an honest prayer for anything.

Willow---What the heck is going on???????? I kinda thought this was gonna be a rough week for you. You HAVE TO HANG IN THERE....YOU ARE STARTING OVER AGAIN...until you get the results on Thursday, you are going to HAVE to live as if you are cancer-free...you know i have been praying and praying for you, i am feeling very positive that the results will be negative for cancer. You've got to pull it together and stop that terrible thinking. Life is going to be boring for us people that are new to sobriety...it is going to take time, and lots of patience. I have my days where i feel just like you do now...but i just want to make it thru the day w/out turning to pills, cuz i know they inevitably make me feel 100% WORSE in the long run. I have tried to develop an extreme hatred toward them....they have hurt me more than anything i have ever encountered in my life...and you wouldn't believe the ***** i have been thru.
So, Willow, come on....stop that stinking thinking...it is only going to make you feel worse. You have to pull it together, you are only a couple of days off of pain meds, your brain will come back in time....you gotta give it time. We will worry about Thursday on Thursday....o.k.????!!!!!!?!?!?
My stupid computer got destroyed by the kids the other day so the only way i could post was to go on my daughter's computer in the basement til tonight when hubby got home. I have been having computer w/d!!!!!!!
O.K.....hang in there....i 'm gonna say some extra prayers for you tonight....
luv,
LISA

Hey Willow,

I have been exactly where you are (with the depressed, blah feeling) and nothing I can say will make you feel any better right now. But, I will say it anyway! :)

Lisa is right- let's take it one day at a time and worry about the results when you get the results. For now, try to get out- go walking, go window shopping at the mall, see a movie, go get "The Purpose Driven Life" and READ IT! It is so good for people like you and I who are in the situations we are in.

It is very easy to think the way you are thinking and sink deeper into a black hole, but DON'T DO THAT. You are too strong and smart to let yourself fall into that trap. Take these lemons and make some damn good lemonade- okay? (Look here, you have a this southern Baptist a cussing.... :) !)

Hang in there and know that God WILL NOT give you more than you can handle...I promise you that, Willow. Take care and I am thinking of you,
michelle

I know how you are feeling right now Willow. I Have been addicted to pain pills for quite some time now. I hurt my leg pretty damn bad on Dec. 28th. and I am still laid up and probably at least another month or 2 away from surgery. Physical therapy is a nightmere. The worst pain I have ever felt in my life. There are so many ups and downs with this recovery. I will be doing ok for a few days, and them my knee and foot wil swell up like a balloon, the constant pain comes back and I feel like Im back to day one. I am also eing forced to get off the pain meds. I was very stupid, going on a 2 week long binge that just ended today and now I am forced to quit taking the pain pills basically cold turkey, and at the moment I'm on one of my downward slumps with my knee. The pain has been pretty bad the last few days and my leg is very swollen. It is very easy for me to start thinking about all the bad things, and I do trust me. The thing is, it only hurts me. I go backwards instead of forwards. I really can't do much to begin with because I am unable to drive or walk around or anything, but when I get in these moods I just turn into even more of a lump on the couch. The most important thing you can do is try to stay positive. I know it is easier said than done. A positive attitude can be all the difference in your recovery though. Your mind is a very powerful thing, and you need it working with you, not against you. I have a panic/anxiety disorder with depression so I know how easy it is to give advise and how hard it is to follow it. Well, I wish you the very best of luck. Do whatever it takes to get your mind on a positive track. Your the only one that can do it. Oh, and I dont mean to even compare my situation to yours. I know the possibility of cancer must be a hard thing to deal with. I just wanted you to know that I know how your feeling (to some extent) and I have been battling through depression and the feelings that I'll never make it through my leg injuries and withdrawls while being stuck in one position on the couch all at once. All I can do is play the cards I'm dealt and know that all of this will pass and I will end up a stronger person at the end. Once again, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can stay strong. Please let me know how things turn out on thursday. Hey, I just noticed that it's my birthday in 5 minutes, so wish me a happy one :)

-Imthatguy

Happy B'day!!! You know, I feel like such a pansy when I think of all of the people that really DO have pain issues and dealing w/addiction as well. I just cannot imagine. I was just a pansy and was addicted as hell. I'm on Suboxone now and will probably be for a long while. It's changed my life and I'm the person I used to want to be. Anyway, I cannot imagine having to go through withdrawals, PLUS go through the pain you are describing. However, I also read in a post where you quit pot and didn't have much of a problem. That, in itself shows that you are a very strong person. Please hang in there and stay strong and pray OFTEN. You will make it through this. Question - why are they waiting so long for surgery? You are suffering...

Good Morning Willow!!!! Are you feeling any better today??? Remember just worry about today not tomorrow or next week....Are you working??????? I say take yourself to a movie or go tanning or something for yourself today. You have been going thru hell.....you are trooper though! If all else fails, VENT VENT VENT!!!!!! I am here, and you know i would do anything to help you. I hope today is better for you, i prayed for awhile for you last night and when i woke this morning, i prayed for God to give you strength for these next couple of days. Come on, Willow, I KNOW YOU CAN GET THRU THIS!!!!!
luv,
LISA

I Am Feeling Better Today, Thanks For The Kick In The Butt,im Off My Pity Pot, Im Working Ill Post Tonite..thank You Thank You

Willow-
I woke up this morning..i was crying about my grandmother..out of a deep dream i saw her face/really saw here..felt her love...it was so real.
I went to the board..as i always do..each morning..my coffee/ smokes..suboxone.
I see.."Is reality really this boring..and i burst out laughing..saying yes it is!!
Then i read your post-
Im sorry..you are really upset...But here i read you are feeling better..and its your b'day???Well-happy birthday willow.
You have real pain issues..and it sucks..dealing w/ the addiction due to real pain.Im just an old ****up..trying to keep it together.
I just wanted to send you some warm wishes of a better day today..and i do understand how the routine can get to you...i do the same thing-i get into this heavy boredom thing too.It gets better-im really trying to appreciate the mundane as being a comforting thing..
Such as..'im getting more organised..im keeping my space clean..my bills ARE getting..not like when i was active and my life was total chaos.
Does this make any sense?
Anyways..i hope you feel better..and Goddess Bless
heather

Here is your regular unpaid work if you are a parent/homemaker: get kids up, groomed, fed, and to school; clean up after them; shop; laundry and clothes care (mending tears, special dry cleaning items); cook; cleaning (kitchen, including dishes daily, cleaning bathroom (yuck), at least vacuuming and straightening the other rooms); get kids to dr.'s and other appointments; daily, weekly, and monthly bill-paying and other financial affairs (ex. filing taxes); also, car maintenance, getting it to inspection, etc.; spend evenings, nights, and weekends tending kids or else have to pay someone else to do it (this is the most stressful for me because my two kids are always fighting with each other, refereeing is a full-time job); then organizing and planning for future (wardrobe, home repairs, vacation scheduling, etc.); and all of this is expected of parents especially moms and yes, I too have a problem with it not only being very tedious, but largely unrecognized. At least know that there are a whole lot of parents who understand! Oh, I forgot, if you have pets, feeding ,cleaning, and loving them too! (At least they usually show some appreciation!!!!!!!!!!!)

Ha!Mouse..can you imagine if we were paid for our work???
We are worth millions!Isn't it interesting when "mommy" gets sick..how everything falls apart.I have a grown son/hubby/dog/and a job..and do your entire list as well!Somehow everyone percieves me as having all this x-tra time cos i work "mothers hours"...
All i know is..i gotta stay healthy to keep it flowing properly..
I hear ya!
Heather

Thanks Banker. It's going to be a pretty boring birthday but that's OK. I am definatly used to being bored by now! LOL. The reason they are waiting so long for surgery is because I completely tore my MCL, and ACL(ligaments), and I also ripped a good chunk of my meniscus too. I guess they cannot operate on the MCL, so I was put into physical therapy to get it to heal. So, now the MCL is finally basically healed. Even though it is healed, I need to regain movement in my leg before they can operate. At first I was told that I needed to be able to bend my knee to 90 degrees. Now the doctor wants me to have pretty much full movement before surgery. There is so much scar tissue on the MCL and stiffness that its extremely hard to move it. About a week and a half ago I was able to bend to about 90 degrees if I really forced it by pulling on it. But currently I am only able to bend it to about 50 degrees. I don't know why I lost so much movement. The only reason I can think of is because of the swelling. I mean its been swollen since the injury, but for some reason its way more swollen than it was a week or so ago. I'm going to have to see the doctor today. I was told if my leg and foot were still more swollen than normal today I would have to go in. I guess they are concerned about a blood clot. The thing I don't understand though is why they will not give me pain killers anymore. I know I have to be off of them for 7 days before they can operate, but I am at least a month away from surgery. They told me to just take ibuprofen....what a joke. If I was in constant pain while on the lortabs, why do they think that ibuprofen will work? Mind you, the lortabs would work much better I'm sure if I didn't have such a damn high tolerance before the injury. Can't really blame anyone but myself for that one though. I should have stopped a long time ago, but I have such a severe mental addiction to the opiates. They have completely taken over my mind and thoughts. It's frustrating though because I am forced to get off them now, and then as soon as I am out of surgery, I will be right back on them and will actually need them.

Anyways, I am going to stop rambling now. I am sorry about that Willow. I didn't mean to get off the subject on your thread here. I'm just so bored that once I start typing I can't stop :) I thought of something that may help you to not worry as much. My psychiatrist(spelling?) gave me a real good breathing exercise. What you do is find somewhere quiet and maybe put on some nice relaxing music. You put one hand on your chest, and the other on your stomach. You then breath from your stomach. Don't let your chest move. Breath in, counting to 6, then breath out counting to 6. You have to make sure that you only breath from your stomach though. Then while breathing like described, close your eyes and just let your entire body relax. Now, you can either concentrate solely on your breathing and let nothing else enter your mind. Or, what I do is while doing the breathing exercise, take yourself to somewhere in your mind where you feel safe and happy. Someplace that you love and feel safe at. It can be a great place you went on vacation to. Anywhere basically. You have to think about all the little details of the place though. Feel the wind in your hair and the sun beating down on you. Feel the sand between your toes and the spray from the ocean(Im using a beach as an example, obviously right?) Again, don't let any other thoughts enter your mind. It really works if you concentrate on it. Just do it for maybe 15 minutes at a time, or until you feel relaxed. My therapist also told me that a little bit of worry is ok, but too much can really affect your health. He told me to take 15 minutes of the day and do all of my worrying in that time and only in that time. It's a lot easier said than done, but you just really have to work at it. Another thing you have to do is not over analyze your worries because it just makes you worry more. Well, I hope some of this will help you. It really has helped me. That breathing exercise has stopped a panic attack for me, which is not an easy thing to stop.
Once again, best of luck with everything and I am really glad to hear your feeling better today. You are in my thoughts. Please let me know how everything turns out.

-Imthatguy

:bouncing: thank you so much to everyone, for your posts and prayers, feeling sorry for myself and boy am i good at that, well i got the results today and its good news no cancer, i guess i can start living my life again, except i forgot how, back to the one second at a time bit, feeling alot better today, and yes it was a boring day today also, same routine except I WAS DIFFERENT, i guess thats all that life is, its the way we percieve it..
strange how one day you see the sun shining and the next you feel like you are smothering under the clouds and the only thing that is different is you..
i hope you had a good birthday (imtheguy)..how is everyone else doing?enough of my poor me drama.....
thank you again to everyone it truly meant alot and helped me( you dont know how much) i hope i can give everyone the same support back..

OOPS!sorry-wrong b'day person..
Happy b'day to(imthatguy)..
And willow..hope yer ok too...
see not enuf coffee..
heather

Way to go Willow !!!!!!!
I am soooooooooooo thankful that your results were cancer-free..
I praying day and night for you. Now you gotta come up with a solution for the "blahs"....I literally was sooooooooooo tired last night i fell asleep before the baby, but then i was up at 2 a.m. like it was 6 in the morning or something.....Oh well, i can deal with being tired, i can't deal w/the craziness that pills bring me. It is actually going to warm up here in CT this weekend. It is supposed to be 55 degrees on Sunday, we are definitely spending the day in the fresh air for a change. I have been tanning and find that a little confidence-booster in itself. Well it is pay-day,,,, thank God!!!! And me and my 2 yr old are off to the craft store this morning. Maybe i'll nap this afternoon, but i doubt it because my daughter has dance class tonight and my son has baseball sign-ups....
I am soooooooooooooo glad you are o.k.........hang in there, no matter what! I will check back later
luv,
LISA

I felt real relief and so happy for you that you do not have to tackle another illness. The only way I can face fairly mundane days is just to try to enjoy the smallest things. Like watching my dogs wriggling around, rolling wildly on the bed, just happy beyond measure--for no particular reason other than that they're alive! That's always been MY goal...but it's not so easy to achieve! I'm coming back in my next life as a pampered pooch! :wave:

[QUOTE=willow123]:bouncing: thank you so much to everyone, for your posts and prayers, feeling sorry for myself and boy am i good at that, well i got the results today and its good news no cancer,

Such wonderful news! I know the 'waiting' must have taken YEARS off your life! The one time in my life when I was waiting for medical results, I remember kind of moving thru the city in a surreal daze...I felt so alone...there was this feeling that I was in this 'different world' from everyone on the street...a very, very 'grey' world. I had a wonderful doctor who as soon as he got the results called me from a phone booth! I felt like you probably feel today. Do something special for yourself...how about a hot fudge sundae?!? :D
Alice

willow!!!!
thats awesome!!! yay!!!! anyways, been away from the computer since i had other stuff to do so just read your posts on boring reality. that sinks in for me so much. i get tunnel vision and totally believe that everyone else (addicts or not) have it soooo much easier. sometimes it seems like no one else has to deal with all the BS life hands you. usually after being on that pity pot, it does dawn on me that yep, everyone else does have "life" problems. it's not just me that the hot water heater went out on and is gonna cost a couple of hundred to fix and i don't make enough money to get what i want. when i stop and think (very rarely does this actually happen LOL!!), i realize that i have everything i need for the time being.
i remember going to my counselor's office one day not feeling all that great, blah, etc. the first question she asked was "are you bored with your sobriety?" my answer was yes. i don't know what to do with myself and am not ok with that. she said, welcome to real life. not every day is horrible, but not every day is fantastic. perfect days do come along once in a while. revel in them when they are here. when the bad ones come up. deal with them sober. getting wasted isn't a solution. the perceived catastrophe will still be there if not worsened. finally, acceptance of what i can and can not control is key to my well being.
today the only thing i can control is myself and not using. really that's all that is important. if i can stay sober, my day is pretty damn good.
:D
laney

:nono: that about sums it up bored with sobriety.. pretty good assumption..my life takes a whole lot of thought like i am the only person in the whole world , who feels, sick or tired or bored....wow i really need to realize the world doesnt stop just for me and i need to just go with the flow of things instead of trying to control them and make them exciting for myself..yes life is mundane and boring...but i guess its what we make it, one smile..one laugh..someone who cares, these boards showing me im not the only one in the world who has " issues"..yes i canfind small pleasures in things and it is a start...

good morning willow!
just a quick note to say hi. hope your day is going okay so far. for a laugh, i nearly busted my a** down the parking garage stairs coming in to work today. klutz that i am, my foot got caught in my skirt and i pitched forward. yep, it was a pretty picture. anyway, the 1st thought through my head was, well, if this is an indicator of how my day is going to be, then i might as well go home. Whatever!!!! here i am at my desk.
anyway, here comes one more sober day for all of us hopefully. kinda wrestling with whether to go to the library after work or to a meeting. i'll eventually figure it out. have a good one!
laney :bouncing:

you go laney yes another day, wow we are almost like everyone else ( almost) hope you day went well..how are you feeling, whats up for your weekend plans? yes i had a great clean day and im feeling much better, i wish life wasnt like a roller coaster, but it is..hang in there..im glad your doing well :bouncing:

hey willow-
my weekend was pretty good. i really should try to get on line at home. everythime i do it seems like my almost 3 year old just HAS to come in and demand to get on ********. :p we finally got the hot water heater replaced. YAY!!!! now, on to the toilets!!!! went to meetings friday and saturday. touched base with a couple of old friends to try to make amends for my past. watched a really good movie friday, days of wine & roses with jack lemmon and lee remick. really old movie (1962, i think) about a marriage in addiction. jack lemmon had to make some really hard choices at the end.
for today, work (boring), posting off & on, go to meeting, pick up son, run errands and then relax!