I seem to have gotten into a very destructive pattern that I can't seem to stop. I guess I would call it an addiction of my own. This issue has come up previous times that my husband relapsed. This time it seems worse then ever before, so I am really worried about my own destructive tendencies. I hope it is okay to post this here. But since this is an addiction board ... here goes... Whenever my husband relapses I seem to compensate by shopping. Spending money we don't have --- as you all know I have already had to borrow money from my parents. Yet I just can't stop myself. Even though there is no justification for my actions and I feel incredibly guilty, I feel like I am somehow compensating for my husband's issues with addiction and the impact it has on my children by buying things for them. It is crazy I know, and I know I'm totally out of control, but I can't stop myself. Today, one of my favorite Aunts died and I don't even have the money to purchase a plane ticket so I can attend her funeral and I feel so guilty. I know in some ways I am doing this to "get back" at my husband -- if that even makes sense. Yet, I am just making our situation worse. I feel so sad and disapointed in myself. Any comments are appreciated. :confused:
-MJ

K - here's my humble opinion - even though you say you are shopping 'out of control', for whatever reason, shopping makes you feel 'in control'. That's why you do it when he relapses because you have no control over him and you have taken shopping as something that you 'can' control. You control everything about it... when you go, what you buy, how you buy it, etc. You feel so out of control when he relapses and you can't stand it. Everyone needs to feel like they have some sort of control over there own lives and you don't when he starts on drugs again. HE controls that aspect of things and it's hard for you because it affects you so much when he does it. Have you been to alanon? I would highly recommend it. His disease is affecting you a heck of a lot more than anyone knows. I think it will help alot. And by the way, it's o.k.! There could be much worse things... like doing drugs or cheating on him! Please consider alanon meetings and/or one on one counseling.

Banker,
Thanks for the advice, I agree I need to start attending Alanon meetings. Last night I was starting to feel so guilty and like maybe all the problems in our home are actually my fault. I just go through those moments where I feel like -- well maybe if I were a better wife, better mother, etc., my husband wouldn't have relapsed. I'm feeling better today, I just get tired of the facade --- coming across like the "perfect family". When that isn't how it is. It gets very tiring. Thanks for your support!
-MJ

god mj,
you sound just like me. if i was a better wife, daughter, mother, friend, etc. all this bad crap wouldn't have happened. rode that merry go around a lot with both my and my hubbys addictions. banker is right, try alanon. it really helped me. one on one couseling did too.
sometimes it is so hard to make ourselves understand that we are not the only ones out there with various life problems. when i get too wrapped up in my own crap, its time to either call another alcoholic/addict or my sponsor or get my behind to a meeting. some people may think this is stupid, but it works for me and gets me off the pity pot.