So a few of you may have read my thread from last week. i got a RX for vicodin I was (key word was) clean from pills for a month and I didn't listen to your advice and I ate them all, so now I feel guilty and am back to ground zero and feel like hell. I feel so fricking guilty. Now I'm sick. And was it worth it? Now I'm struggling because I could easily get another script for my pain, but I know that getting another script will only lead to more pain and then lead me back to all the other drugs I was addicted to, which is basically every drug there is. Coke, Heroin, Crack, Meth, Acid ,Pot.... the whole nine yards and as happy as I am that I have quit... I miss them so much. I am bipolar and the meds don't seem to be working as well as I would like. i started with drugs to stabilize my mood and I'm ready to go back to be happy again. This battle is too strong for me and I need your help. I'm new here and you may not want to help me and I will understand because I didn't take your advice from the beginning. I should have listened to you all but I didn't so now I feel twice as guilty. I'mm sick, I'm alone and I'm depressed. Can anyone help me?
"NO day but today!"

Hi....I've done the exact same thing you just did as well as many others on this board. The thing is....you have to decide when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but I will tell you exactly what someone told me when I first started posting here and did the same thing you did....it sounds as if you don't know if you are really ready to quit. Are you?

If so, DO NOT get any more scripts for hydro's, try to find an addictionologist that can help you and maybe look into meetings.

I was put on the sub because I relapsed over and over. I wanted to stop so badly, but couln't own my own. And you are going to need some help, too. We are fighting a disease that is much bigger and badder than we are, but it can be beaten. You just can't do all by yourself!

You need to get some help and stop this ugly, vicous cycle. If you don't, (like my addictionologist said) you will die of an addicental or intentional overdose. And I feel sure you don't want to go out that way, otherwise you wouldn't be on this board asking for help. This is a great group here and everyone will help you in any way that they can, but you have to make the first step....and that is getting help!

Take care and keep us posted. God bless,
Michelle :)

lockedaway-
Nobodys gonna judge you here-we've all done exactly the same.Mich-is right..when you are ready to do it you will.The point is you just had a month clean..so that is proof you are able to do it.
I can relate to the way you feel-esp.w/depression issues..isn't that why u started/
Just looking for some peace.
Don't ever think that you can't be honest here-and people are gonna get mad at you-we are all struggling w/. addiction thats why we come here.
So-can you start over again?Today is a new day...and there is hope.
Last year-this time i had a bad h habit-now ive been off the drugs for 8 months doing suboxone maitainence...im not doing opiates-but i am on a replacement.
Im as clean as i can be-right now.I have had a chance to stop the cycle of using/stopping/relapsing..and just settle into a "regular life"..going to work/paying my bills/seeing friends..no more copping/using/flipping out/getting sick daily..no drama.
I don't really miss it..it cuts the cravings..
Have you heard about subox?it is an option.
We are here for you-so don't be too sad..i really believe that getting off the drugs is possible-do you take psych meds for bi-polar?
Do you have a dr./therapist?
Its just hard doing it on your own-even meetings can be helpful.
peace/Goddess BLess...
Heather

Lockedaway,

Do not get so down on yourself. Everyone here has failed many times. I do believe to truly get clean you have to know you can do it. You can't quit by saying I think I can do it this time. You have to tell yourself I KNOW I'm gonna get clean and nothing is gonna stand in my way, not withdrawals, depression, lack of sleep or lack of energy. I had tried to quit many times before and failed. I know I will never take anymore pain pills. I just made my mind up that I wanted my life back and nothing or nobody was gonna stand in my way. I amd 40 + days clean and it has been Hell. The sleeping is now returning my energy is up and I am not depressed thinking of pills all day long. I still have up's and downs and my neck has been killing me for two weeks(Her. Disc), but nothing is as bad as the prision I lived in while addicted. I still have cravings now and then and if I have them the rest of my life so be it. I finally see I can have a happy life pill free. God, Determination and the love for my wife and daughter is the reason why I cannot and will not ever relapse again. I believe we can all beat this thing. Although it will probably be the hardest thing we ever go through, it has been for me. Stay Strong!
B

Lockedaway,
You said that you are bipolar, and I know that being bipolar is a horrible struggle.I have several friends whoare bipolar, and one is in a crisis right now.I don't know how long you have been being treated for this, but a lot of times it takes a lot of trying different combinations of antidepressants and other meds to get it under control. You said the meds you take aren't really working like they used to, so it sounds like its time to go back to the Dr. and have them reevaluated, possibly changed or dosages changed.I know this has to be a big part of your struggle,and manic-depression is a horrific disease to manage.Just my advice, but I think you need to start there instead of jumping back into the vicious circle of self-medicating and further increasing the nightmare-I'm fighting this same demon as we speak.My heart so goes out to you,because your fight I think is an even more difficult one than those who don't suffer from manic-depression.You've got 30 days behind you, you slipped and fell, pick yourself up, reaffirm your commitment to staying clean, and start making phone calls-to your doctor if you have one, or a clinic, or just go to the emergency room -and be honest-about what your trying to do (stay clean) and the disease you're battling.The meds to help you are out there, and I know for me, it took a huge gulp to swallow my pride and tell my doctor( one I had been lying to and manipulating for so long-okay, actually two doctors)but I knew that the black hole I was spiraling down into was just about to completely swallow me up.Keep posting, clean or not-you're not bad for slipping, just human.I am sending you strength and prayers. :angel:

Clean for a month. Talk about blowin it big time. You know you F'd it up man. I understand the temptation, but you need to get serious or stop talking about it and just do your thing. Your predicament is not unique, but you need to have your butt kicked for starting up again.