Well, I really don't know what to say, except that for those of you that are hear to listen, this is my story.

I've been full of anxiety all of my life. I never really thought about it until now, but I know it's always been like this. When I was a kid I worried about EVERYTHING. Dying, my parents dying, my house starting on fire, just about everything. Most often it hits me right before I go to bed, because that's when I think the most. Anyways, I was always worried as a kid, and growing up, I never really realized how much it affected me. When I got into high school, I had alot going on in my life. Late in grade 9, we had bomb threats, blah blah, a whole bunch of stuff going on, which piled up on me. Not to mention, I found out that recently my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I mean I'm not even related to him through blood, but this still freaked me out.

From there I went into my "looking up symptoms" phase, which I still do to this day. I found out that seizures can be a symptom of brain tumors. Suddenly I started FREAKING out, because seizures have been something I have been paranoid about ever since I witnessed one in grade 8. All the sudden it became like "what if this happend to me?". From there, I started into my heavy period of derealization. I didn't feel like myself, I didn't feel like I knew who "myself" was, and I just felt generally depressed. Luckily I've had my mom to talk to, because she also suffers from an anxiety disorder (which is where I get it from) and she helped me through that alot.

So I got through that, and was fine throughout high school, despite the continuous constant worrying. But with my anxiety, it's like it's always there, but when it really hits me, it REALLY hits me. I was fine for the most part, up until this year. I'm 18 years old, 19 in 2 months, and in my fifth year of high school. I was alright since grade 9, and all of the sudden, grade 13 BANG, another episode. This summer is when it started I guess. I found out that my boss had been having seizures, and that he had some sort of brain tumor or something. Of COURSE that springs something in my mind from previous experiences, however, it didn't hit me right then. I was so involved in my work, and so on, that it didn't have a chance to catch up to me.

Then, winter rolls around, and I started freaking out about getting the flu for no reason. Just basically because I HATE getting the flu, so i was all paranoid about it. So that overwhelms me, I start feeling weird again all of the sudden. That fades, then I start noticing I'm biting my cheek every now and then. I remember that I read somewhere when people have seizures they can bite their cheeks. BOOM. Brain tumor, Seizures, EVERYTHING thrown back on me. It all crashes down on me at once! All of the sudden I get this weird feeling in my head. Like a heavy, tightening feeling, and I start worrying about that. I tell my mom, she tells me it's anxiety. I let it go for about 4 weeks, and finally I decide to see my doctor. Doc says anxiety, and prescribes me Zoloft, which my mom has been on for a while now and it works great for her. Says he wants to see me again in 4 weeks.

Over these 4 weeks, I'm still worrying about every little thing. Deja Vu was my main concern for a while, because once again I started researching symptoms and read that deja vu can be a symptom of some sort of simple partial seizure. That freaked me out for a while until I convinced myself that deja vu was normal, and also I found something on the net that said deja vu is a memory dysfunction, and memory dysfunction can be affected by anxiety to a certain degree. So that didn't worry me as much, but I still had these feelings in my head. Feelings that I can't explain. Pulsing, tightening, heaviness, all day, every day and they just won't go away.

I go back to the doc after 4 weeks. I tell him I'm feeling better mentally, but this feeling is still there. He checks my blood pressure, eyes, reflexes, everything fine. If something was wrong in my head, like a tumor he would be able to figure it out. I believe him when he teels me because I've read up on the stuff. If I had a tumor, or something like that, by the time it would get big enough to cause enough intercranial pressure to have a headache, I would be experiencing other symptoms. I would miss a reflex, my eyes wouldn't follow correctly, or some of the MANY other symptoms of a brain tumor. Tells me he wants to keep me on Zoloft, and he'll see me in a month.

So here's where I am now. Feeling better mentally, somewhat, however I still have this physical feeling in my head. It's holding me back completely, and I despise it. Like I said, there's no way of describing it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't feel like I can do the things I always used to do, I don't feel like i can be my normal self again. I'm sorry I've written so much, and I could go on for HOURS, believe me, but I'm extremely tired right now and should get to bed. I just had to get alot of stuff out and I know all of you are very helpful. Thank you to all of you who have read this far, and thank you to anyone who replies to this, I appreciate it.

Hotnicks,
Your post really touched me, and I can totally relate to what you are feeling. The tightness in your head, heavy feeling etc. I wonder whether getting your neck muscles worked on - or a chiropractor can ease some of this for you. It worked for me.

I'm the same as you when it comes to freaking out about tumors, cancer, and any other life threatening disease. It just never seems to stop, once I get over one thing another thing crops up.

I was so stressed last year after I had a knee reconstruction. I had the worst panic attack ever in the hospital, thought I was dying. That I'm sure triggered off the dizziness I suffered (and still do) for many months. I was so scared that I had a brain tumor, I thought that's just got to be it. And the more I stressed, the more symptoms piled upon me, like depersonalisation, limbs not working properly, wierd pressure in my head. An ENT booked me in for an MRI. That in itself scared me so much, as I couldn't stop thinking, why did he do that, even though he said it's just a precaution, and I had no signs of any dramas, I absolutely went crazy - the month I had to wait to have the MRI was the worst. I felt so sick and dizzy, and had a constant feeling of shear dread. It was horrible. So the MRI results were fine. The relief was amazing, but I still feel dizzy, get headaches etc. It's all anxiety.
I've got the flu and bronchitis at the moment, and of course I'm getting that dread feeling again all the time, thinking my lungs have a disease.

You know, the best thing I think would be to learn to change thinking patterns. CBT is apparently the way to go, I've never done it. I'm going to get some books though. Life is too short and precious to be constantly worrying that it will end horribly.

I hope you can find a way to deal with this, maybe the zoloft will kick in, I'm not on meds but I think I'm doing OK.

You mentioned your mother has anxiety as well, so you believe it's hereditory. I would like to learn more about this. My mum says she gets it sometimes too, but not to the scale I have it. I have a feeling that my grandmother on my Dad's side (who I didn't know very well) had major dramas with her nerves. I will have to find out more about that. Would love to hear from people though where it runs in the blood. Would be interesting to see how many.

Take care,

Jordie.

I can definatly relate with the both of you. The last year of my life has been nothing but total anxiety. I was dx'd with thyroid cancer in July...had 2 surgeries, 1 treatment, and am now cancer free, but ever since I have been OBSESSED with my health. I have literally spent hours researching disease after disease convincing myself I had serious illnesses. I have had test after test and have seen too many Dr.'s to count. My tests always turn out normal and every Dr. (except one) has told me all of my symptoms are more than likely anxiety related. I can definatly relate with the headaches, pressure, pulsating, etc. My fear a few weeks ago was that I either had increased intracranial pressure or meningitis.(had an mri which turned out normal) Now, I have found a couple swollen lymph nodes and am convinced I have lymphoma. I had a lower back ache and stomach ache yesterday and spent 2 hours looking up info on Abdominal Aortic Aneurysms. Heart disease, stroke, MS, autoimmune disorders, different types of cancer...you name it, I've convinced myself I have had each one of these diseases at one time or another. This is getting so rediculous and I know how crazy I sound, but I can't stop obsessing over my health. I have so many symptoms that I think can't be anxiety related, yet Dr.'s are telling me they are.
Anyway, I know what a viscious cycle anxiety can be. I truely hope you find something that helps whether it's meds or therapy. (I think therapy may be my next step)

I definatly believe that anxiety can be hereditary. My dad has had GAD most of his life and had frequent panic attacks while I was growing up.

Take care, Hilery

I can really relate to all of you, and too just started Zoloft, not sure if it is helping me or not, i still think i have every disease, and i check my lips and fingertips for purple color, i check my pulse about every few minutes, i get that tightness feeling in my head, one time i was refusing to leave the ER after they told me i was fine because i had a tightness and told them i had a brain tumor. I cant take being alone, or i worry in the shower that i will die in there and no one will find me..its like i never ever stop worrying...i research every disease, i look up every symptom, it is a never ending thing. I thought i was starting to feel better, i actually went almost two weeks wihtout a panic attack, then i got a severe one the other night, where i vomitted and had the tight feeling in my chest and head, thought for sure i was a goner! Even tho it was two days ago i still dont feel good =/ i am on a low dose of zoloft just 25mgs, im scared to death of medicine, and had a bad experience with paxil.
anyways, you arent alone! hang in there, and take care of yourself!

im 19 and have been like this sometimes. also had periods of anxiety for years. Recently ive been thinking all the same things about my health. I was fine for a while, but then one night a few months ago i smoked weed (which i dont normally do) and it got me all messed up anxiety wise. I had that do for a few weeks, then actually got mono. These past few months have been bad anxiety wise. Im always thinking there is something wrong with me, and then at other times i just brush it off, because its anxiety. The thing is with anxiety, is that yoy get yourself so worked up that you have something, that you may be thinking that experiencing some of the symptoms that go along with it. Like a week or 2 ago i started thinking that what would happen if i go dizzy or imbalanced, and sure enough for large parts of the next few days i was feeling weird walking and things like that. Then i got over it and dont have those problems right now. Then i was thinking the left side of my face may be numb. I was thinking this stuff upon myself, its all anixety. The best thing to do is just to stop looking things up like you said you were. dont look up symptoms or try to find problems with yourself because it will do nothing but cause anxiety. Also, when i have anxiety sometimes i take Xanax, it helps alot. I use to be on zoloft when I was younger and at a really bad time of anxiety, and it helped a millions. Right now i am prescribed to it, but i havent taken it. I just dont feel like dealing with the side effects, but im seriously considering taking it now because at this point my anxiety needs to be helped, more than any thing else.

Anyway i get the exact same things as the person who started this thread gets. Just wanted to assure the person that its anxiety.

My mom was a constant worrier about health problems. She had a book that my dad burned on her. She was always in this book looking up things & then thinking either she or I had it.
Of course, I'm the same way!!
I have been ruled by my obsessive worrying for most of my life, til I got on anti-depressants 7 years ago. Just a few months ago, that AD quit working & I knew it immediately as I started to obsessively worry again.
I am now on a new AD that doesn't really control the worry ( I also have severe dep.) so my pdoc put me on Luvox & it is specifically for obsessive thoughts & it has helped me soooo much, no more worrying.

I'd like to thank all of you for sharing your stories and replying to me. When I wrote that I was just so fed up and had to get it all out. I've been feeling off for a good....9 weeks I think now, and it's been 5 or so since I started on Zoloft. The meds have helped me alot mentally but I'm still not physically feeling myself yet. I try to do all the things i used to do but still sometimes worry because my head still has these constant feeling of tightness, sometimes a tingling-like feeling, stuff like that and it's just so frustrating. Ladybandit08 I know what you're saying about the shower. About a month ago I had a panic attack in the shower for the same reasons, and I didn't know what was going on, until I realized how fast and hard my heart was beating and I knew it was a panic attack and calmed myself down. Well I hope things get better for all of us, and I'm really glad you have all replied. Oh and P.S to The Natural, don't try to self-medicate with drugs!! I used to do drugs, Pot, Schrooms, Hash, but because of the type of person I am, it only made me worse. I'm fine with alcohol, and love it, however drugs and people with an anxiety disorder do not mix well! I've been drug free for nearly 3 years!

I'd like to thank all of you for sharing your stories and replying to me. When I wrote that I was just so fed up and had to get it all out. I've been feeling off for a good....9 weeks I think now, and it's been 5 or so since I started on Zoloft. The meds have helped me alot mentally but I'm still not physically feeling myself yet. I try to do all the things i used to do but still sometimes worry because my head still has these constant feeling of tightness, sometimes a tingling-like feeling, stuff like that and it's just so frustrating. Ladybandit08 I know what you're saying about the shower. About a month ago I had a panic attack in the shower for the same reasons, and I didn't know what was going on, until I realized how fast and hard my heart was beating and I knew it was a panic attack and calmed myself down. Well I hope things get better for all of us, and I'm really glad you have all replied. Oh and P.S to The Natural, don't try to self-medicate with drugs!! I used to do drugs, Pot, Schrooms, Hash, but because of the type of person I am, it only made me worse. I'm fine with alcohol, and love it, however drugs and people with an anxiety disorder do not mix well! I've been drug free for nearly 3 years!


nah i dont do drugs. Im from an area where alot of peoples lives are screwed up because of drugs. Drugs like OC's (oxycotins) heroin, coke, ghb, etc. Im not one who should be on drugs, which im not. I dont even smoke trees. The only thing i do is drink, and Im not really a huge drinker anymore, not that I was really bad before anyways.

And yes I know what your saying with your last couple statements. Drugs and people like us do not mix well, i couldnt agree any more with that. Also good for you that your drug free. Again, too many good people have screwed their lives up because of drugs where I live, Ive seen what they can do, and how addicting they can get.

HotNicks-
CBT was the answer for me and I have not looked back since :) I was convinced I had just about every serious ailment under the sun for many years. I eventually learned it has little to do with the symptoms and everything to do with the way I was thinking about the symptoms. CBT has since changed my life. It's all about using the tools to learn to think more clearly and accurately about things and once you do your panic anxiety and depression will miraculously begin to lift before your eyes. My favorite starter book on CBT is "Been There, Done That? Do This! by Sam Obitz. Many Universities offer CBT programs for little or no charge as well.

Billy

It's so good to hear other stories and it is such an example of "jumping to conclusions" as I am reading about in Sam Ovitz book. One can hear other peoples issues and recognize the abnormality of it, but don't see one's owns. I've had anxiety all my life. I was diagnosed with social phobia which actually pretty much went away when I lost weight. That left me with GAD. In August, I had a one-night stand with a guy and developed some vaginal itching. Researched the internet and believe it had to be herpes. (It's even hard for me to write that word!) Went to the gyn and she said it was a yeast infection. (My first ever.) I still was not convinced and had her test me for every STD in existence. It all came back negative, but as I read and read on the thing I mostly feared having, I felt like I had to be sure. I believe now so many things are written to put a scare in people, but back then I was just obsessed. One day I felt some kinda "cut" on my behind. I looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood, knowing they were used to seeing STD's and ran out there very early one morning without an appointment. Needless to say, they would not see me so, I ran to the emergency room. I begged the doctor to culture it for "herpes." He did, but was quite annoyed and said there was nothing wrong with me. I again had him test me for every STD even though I had not had sex again since my last tests. All came back clean. I ended up paying for two more tests and they were both negative. I probably spent $500.00 + dollars from that little episode and I am still not totally free from it. Last month I got a cold sore. (I've gotten them all my life), but I ran to the emergency room demanding they test it to see if it was HSV1 or HSV2. The doctor refused, offered me some valium and sent me home. That cold sore cleared up, but now anytime I feel anything on my lip, I'm panicked. I think I also have developed a drinking problem. I was overweight my entire life and was a compulsive overeater. In 2002, I had a gastric bypass and I can no longer overeat, so I've found out that drinking now relaxes me. When I go to a restaurant, instead of looking at what food is there, I immediately look at the drinks menu. If you look at me it may seem like I have a problem because I do drink so little. Because of my surgery, one glass of wine makes me feel high. A couple of times in high stress times, I drunk an entire bottle and it made me very sick. I've always had high anxiety when it comes to sex and spent a good deal of my life celibate. My social phobia, shyness and anxiety has ruined the first 30 years of my life. I was too shy to date and would run from men. I feel like I now have to do something to break out of this. I'm dating someone, but if I don't hear from him on schedule as usual, I think the strangest things like maybe I do have an STD and gave it to him and that's why he is not talking to me. I then try and track him down and go crazy if I don't do so. That will send him running away like it does other men and I'm trying to control it. I am trying to become more active in resolving my issues. I wish the same for everyone.

It's so good to hear other stories and it is such an example of "jumping to conclusions" as I am reading about in Sam Ovitz book. One can hear other peoples issues and recognize the abnormality of it, but don't see one's owns. I've had anxiety all my life. I was diagnosed with social phobia which actually pretty much went away when I lost weight. That left me with GAD. In August, I had a one-night stand with a guy and developed some vaginal itching. Researched the internet and believe it had to be herpes. (It's even hard for me to write that word!) Went to the gyn and she said it was a yeast infection. (My first ever.) I still was not convinced and had her test me for every STD in existence. It all came back negative, but as I read and read on the thing I mostly feared having, I felt like I had to be sure. I believe now so many things are written to put a scare in people, but back then I was just obsessed. One day I felt some kinda "cut" on my behind. I looked up the nearest Planned Parenthood, knowing they were used to seeing STD's and ran out there very early one morning without an appointment. Needless to say, they would not see me so, I ran to the emergency room. I begged the doctor to culture it for "herpes." He did, but was quite annoyed and said there was nothing wrong with me. I again had him test me for every STD even though I had not had sex again since my last tests. All came back clean. I ended up paying for two more tests and they were both negative. I probably spent $500.00 + dollars from that little episode and I am still not totally free from it. Last month I got a cold sore. (I've gotten them all my life), but I ran to the emergency room demanding they test it to see if it was HSV1 or HSV2. The doctor refused, offered me some valium and sent me home. That cold sore cleared up, but now anytime I feel anything on my lip, I'm panicked. I think I also have developed a drinking problem. I was overweight my entire life and was a compulsive overeater. In 2002, I had a gastric bypass and I can no longer overeat, so I've found out that drinking now relaxes me. When I go to a restaurant, instead of looking at what food is there, I immediately look at the drinks menu. If you look at me it may seem like I have a problem because I do drink so little. Because of my surgery, one glass of wine makes me feel high. A couple of times in high stress times, I drunk an entire bottle and it made me very sick. I've always had high anxiety when it comes to sex and spent a good deal of my life celibate. My social phobia, shyness and anxiety has ruined the first 30 years of my life. I was too shy to date and would run from men. I feel like I now have to do something to break out of this. I'm dating someone, but if I don't hear from him on schedule as usual, I think the strangest things like maybe I do have an STD and gave it to him and that's why he is not talking to me. I then try and track him down and go crazy if I don't do so. That will send him running away like it does other men and I'm trying to control it. I am trying to become more active in resolving my issues. I wish the same for everyone.

Wow MSJade-
That note really struck me and I hate to admit this but when I was a teenager (and a virgin) I was convinced I had a STD and went to the local free clinic and insisted that I be tested. When it came back negative I went back and demanded to be tested again and they gave me antibiotics just to get rid of me! I probably took more antiobiotics (for no legitimate reason) as a teenager than most people injest over their lifetime. It all seems so silly now but at the time I was just as obsessed as you were.
Reading your note I can see your Jumping to conclusions and Blowing things out of Proportion and I now know that is what I did for years with all my health concerns. I sincerely hope you can get to the place where I am now with thanks to the TEA form and other CBT exercises :angel:
It sounds like you have a lot of living left to do :bouncing:

take care!

Billy

I'm glad you did admit that though Billy, because that means there is hopes that I can overcome it. I'm not even sure if I have a drinking problem or if my anxiety over alcohol makes me think I have a drinking problem! A couple of glasses of wine at night relaxes me, but I need to do other things to relax myself. I read the post about exercise and as much as I hate it, I'm going to try that too. BTW, I have 30 valium for the last month and only took one. I'm trying to solve my problems without drugs.

I'm glad you did admit that though Billy, because that means there is hopes that I can overcome it. I'm not even sure if I have a drinking problem or if my anxiety over alcohol makes me think I have a drinking problem! A couple of glasses of wine at night relaxes me, but I need to do other things to relax myself. I read the post about exercise and as much as I hate it, I'm going to try that too. BTW, I have 30 valium for the last month and only took one. I'm trying to solve my problems without drugs.

Thanks MSJ :) I hate thinking back on that as it is quite embarrassing but "So What" right ;) I think that is great that you have been resisting the valium and are working so hard to solve your problems. I know you'll get there if you keep plugging away :angel:

Billy

just a little short note. The biting of the cheeks is probably actually because your so stressed out, not something else to stress about. You should talk to your doctor and family about this. Maybe go to therapy. Sorry I can't help. Good luck,
xo.Brit

I am just simply amazed from the messages left by other people. I really had thought I was alone in this problem. Whenever I got the littlest thing, I would jump onto the internet (it's the quickest and easiest source nowadays) and read about all the conditions that I could possibly have. This is like a form of torture, isn't it. But it had become a very attached part of my life. I had thought I was the only one who did this. My husband never did this when he got sick or had a problem...but I did it even when there were problems with him. I never knew it had anything to do with anxiety. There'd been some big changes in my life in the past few years..leaving home against my parents' wishes, their divorce over something that my sister and I caused (long dramatic story), my marriage with my boyfriend that I was living with, moving to a new house, my father moving out of the home that they'd resided for 25+ years. It was difficult to manage sometimes, but I thought I was doing fine. But lately my health's taken a dive for the worse and I've been sick more times in the past year or two than I've been since I was a little child.

All this time I thought it was all physical, but apparently it might be psychological as well. It's just such a relief to know that I'm not alone in all this...that's gotta be one of the worse feelings..

I hope you are getting some help now and glad you are not feeling so alone anymore :angel: