Where do I go from here??
I am trying to enjoy each day as it comes,in my fairly new clean state.But, am I EVER going to feel HALFWAY normal??
I still can't fall asleep on my own,even though I will be exhausted inside,my body will not shut itsself down.I've been relying on meletonin for sleep,but now everyday I feel hungover.Brain*****.And just lost in general.
All of the old feelings I used to have (before becoming an addict)are, YEP, still there.I procrastinate-horribly-, I make a list of things I want to get accomplished,and still I can't seem to do anything.I take Paxil for depression-I don't feel any different than I used to.Am I depressed?Or is there something else I'm missing that's wrong with me?
And the confusion.They say foods affect your moods,energy level,everything else.They said eat more protein,I ate more protein.They say don't eat protein with carbohydrates,so I eat fish and fresh broccoli.Then they say if you want to eat carbs,wait three hours after you've eaten protein.And then, eat a baked potato in the afternoon to relieve nervous tension.I ate a baked potato and fell into a coma.Several hours later when I regained consciousness,I ate more fish and broccoli.Now I'm getting urges to go protect the newly laid fish eggs in the fishtank downstairs.I'm looking at shrubs outside wondering just how long you'd have to microwave them until they qualify as "crisp-cooked".I start taking vitamin b-complex and vitamin C and my urine glows in the dark. :eek:
My ability to form full sentences and actually make sense comes in waves.So I only speak when the tide comes in.Otherwise,I leave a room full of people
with really confused looks on their faces in my wake.
One minute I'm sitting, unable to move,and the next I'm up scrubbing walls.My kids came home and thought I'd painted.Then, I'm back on the couch,sitting with all this nervous anxiety,overwhelmed,unable to function.I still find myself reaching out for a bottle of pills that are no longer there when I'm feeling angry,tired,lonely,nervous,a long-honed habit that my brain is still trying to realize no longer exists.
Is my body really still trying to readjust to being clean,or is this how I am destined to feel forever??Up and down,up and down.Should I take more vitamins? Take less?Take more minerals?Eat more protein, more carbohydrates,?Drink more water,tea,milk,eat less refined foods,saturated fats,polyunsaturated fats,hydrogenated supergenated polyunsaturated underpolygenerated....whatever??Or should I just cut it down to the basics and go graze in the back yard and howl at the moon??
Any input?Any suggestions?Am I the only one feeling this way???
HHEEELLLPPP!!!!
Stacie :bouncing:

Stacie -

Your description of desperately trying to preserve your fish eggs and shrubs....and the thought of your conversing only on the incoming tide....were hysterical. Maybe I can at LEAST get you to stay away from the shrubs by telling you how many dogs must pee on them daily "in the line of duty." :D

Even tho I am not yet "clean" from my hydro habit....I am about halfway there...and already know just what you are talking about. (That's why I haven't been able to take those final steps...I imagine being trapped in the blahs for all eternity. Sitting in a stupor, my mouth hanging open, forever mouthing the word "duhhhhhhh." I can't even imagine manic periods--I just visualize hours spent contemplating the cracked paint on my ceiling, too weak and unmotivated to do anything--but--count and calibrate those cracks!!!) Of course, I am being stupid--I KNOW I'd feel better after awhile. But...thus is the thinking of a depressive, who also takes drugs. :rolleyes:

The thing is....everything I read here...everybody who goes thru it....they all say they eventually feel better. That there's this period (short for some, long for others) when all seems so meanngless and endless....but then they come out of it....that the brain rewires and "normalcy" returns. Even if it does feel like "Waiting for Godot"!!

I'm sure there are many nutritionists here who can tell you the best things to eat, while your're recovering. But I'm not one of them. I mean--I KNOW what things are best....but am unsure of the chemical reasons. "Energy" foods, etc.

Your plea makes me think of my Aunt Sylvia, who died several years ago at the most, awe-inspiring 96 years old I'd ever imagined. I mean--her 96--was other people's 26!!! And, she was the most fanatically health-oriented individual---a total misfit in our family. LOL! Not only did she take all her vitamins and eat the world's most boring diet (to me, anyway)...but she sat on everyone's shoulders with a pitchfork if they did not do the same!!! Even her "health" friends had had enough and murmurings of mutiny were starting to be heard. :D

The number of times I asked my aunt for a healthy program for myself to embark on....then didn't follow it!! Yes, the rest of our family was doomed to go the way of hot pastrami on rye....mayonnaisy potato salads....ice cream with fudge sauce. You get the picture. And, of course, NO ONE in our family lived as long or as healthily as Aunt Sylvia....up to the day she died from a stroke, age 96...having just won a bridge tournament...and earlier that same day, having driven her "frail-elderly" neighbors to the near-by shopping center...and just planned her next vacation. What a ball-of-fire.

So--my first thought at reading your message was "Eureka! I'll ask my Aunt Sylvia!!!" :bouncing: She'd have had THE plan. Why, she may even have known how to harness that glowing urine into free electricity for your home!!

Anyway, I think that "normal" is probably what you ARE feeling right now. "Normal" for what is still just the beginning of your new, clean life. And I hope others on this board who have been through it all....and have been where you are now...can explain it better to you. There's nothing like hearing from others with the same experiences. My "semi" withdrawals that come from taking just enough hydros to keep me moving do give me an inkling of what you are going through...and what I will have to go through. But at least you have tackled it! You've begun! And, now, you can look forward to each day offering the possibility of feeling better and better...even it's bit by bit.

So.....thanks for describing your current mental and phsyical state in the most amusing possible way! I've just had my first laugh of the day. :jester:

.....and lay off that fish roe...no cannibalizing of your pets! :D

keep on truckin' as we used to say...... Lynn :-)

Hope - hang in there. You WILL get better. What advice were you giving me? Let's see... one day at a time, keep yourself busy, etc.? Seriously, I could really relate to your post on my 'breakup' thread and I can relate to your current feeling. How long has it been now since you've had drugs? I would possibly, just possibly think about changing your antidepressant.... Maybe. Some people may disagree but have a hard time being patient, as I imagine you might as well. Just a thought? Talk to your doc. I understand the depression part of it. Thank God, the Suboxone I take really helps me with that. I also take Lexepro which made me really sleepy at first but now I take a small dosage IN THE MORNING (otherwise, I cannot function I'm so sleepy) but it helps. Have you ever been tested for ADD? Just a thought - I mentioned it to another poster and she went and was tested but they said she didn't have it. It may be something you want to mention to your doctor. Seriously, keep it in mind.
And thank you for helping me during this tough time. I'm still pretty miserable but you guys really are helping me out. Take care and write soon!

Hey Hope....i really can't give any advice, cuz i feel exactly the same!!!!!~
I have learned before in sobriety that everything takes time and determination. The up and downs are enough to drive anyone to think they are nuts, but it is just the beginning of sobriety. Just gotta hang in there, and live one day at a time.
luv,
LISA

Ahhhh,Thank you guys for responding!!You're not going to believe this.After posting about eating all that fish.....can you believe...my daughter and I went to McDonald's(which I usually don't do,I'm not a big fan of mickey D's anymore)...I was really gonna go out on a limb...get something so I could soak it in ketchup...and without even thinking about my earlier post...What did I order??? THE FREAKIN FISH SANDWICH!!!Sometimes I just can't believe myself.
Lynn-whether you're using or not, you are on the road to recovery,just a different means to the same end.But, what great things to look forward to!!(That is said with a slight tongue in cheek).I do hate this constant racy feeling,but not having to worry about where my next prescription is coming from every day is well worth it.And I have to keep reminding myself of that,keeping up my supply was a fulltime job with overtime.It is such a relief not to have to lie anymore,and not to have to schedule my life around whether I was going to have enough pills or not.
HAHAHA!! If only my neon pee could be converted into free electricity,because that's what I'm gonna need-my electric bill became the most recent victim of my incessant procrastination-spent the money on "more important" things-so important I can't even remember what I spent it on(maybe it was all that FISH!!!!)
As far as my nutritional status goes-God Bless your Aunt,I don't see myself driving much past 46 much less 96.I think I feel better just eating all the junk I can think of,it's too much stress trying to figure out what you're supposed to eat, what you're supposed to stay away from,all of it just makes me...hungry.Not to mention the Paxil I'm on makes me crave the most wicked of foods,which makes me ponder this question??What if someone is overweight,and they're depressed because they're overweight,so the doctor gives them, say...PAXIL......Okay, I'm just being goofy.But I just cracked myself up :jester: I'm not one to talk about being overweight-especially when my children's dad used to ask me if I wanted to check my weight, we could pull over to the truck scales...(Okay, I'm not THAT bad,but he had such a wicked sense of humor)
Banker-I'm great at giving out advice that I can't apply to myself-just another one of many wonderful character defects that I possess.You know though, you mentioned Adult ADD,and I'm glad you did.I have suspected that of myself, in fact for years,but you just reminded me that I forgot I suspected that of myself!!!I remember watching Oprah sometime in the 90's,a show about adult ADD,and the woman they had on there absolutely, 100% mirrored me.And since you reminded me of that,I AM going to bring this up to my doctor.
And once again,I am truly sorry about everything you are going thru right now.It breaks my heart when someone else has a broken heart.And there really are no words that can wash that sadness away,but at the same time, this could be a turning point for you.Telling you that in time you will feel better does you no good right now....but it is true.I have SO removed myself to a place far away from the relationship option-I just could not handle that kind of drama right now.Breakups would mean a breaking POINT for me at this stage in the game,and I really am enjoying taking this time to work on myself.I NEVER thought I'd be able to say something like that,but it is so true.I wish I could take some of this pain away for you,and make you see that you really don't need someone else to be happy.And I'm not saying you don't need someone in your life FOREVER,I'm just saying take this as an opportunity to really think hard about the kind of person you want in your life and your children's,and accept nothing less.And,on another note,perhaps this breakup could be only temporary.Time away from each other can give you BOTH the opportunity to think things thru,and possibly later come together again with a different view of things, a new approach,a better position to make compromises.For every end there's a new beginning.I'm so sad you're sad.Just take care of yourself and your children for the time being,stay busy,don't dwell.If things were meant to be, then they'll be....
Take Care,
Love Stacie :angel:

Hi Lisa!
Just read your post,and I don't know if you've been keeping track,but(okay, not counting my "slip") how long have "we" been clean??Yep,takin it one hour, one day at a time...
Hugs,Stacie

haven't been keeping track cuz i got 12 vikes for my tooth that i had to have removed.... :confused: i only used them for 3 days and that was it...
Haven't had any real cravings since, but just feel weird like you do....it comes in waves...feeling really energized, then depression and weakness..

I think i have the date written down somewhere i will see if it is on my calendar and get back to you. I guess i'm not gonna keep track of time anymore, it just drives me crazy. I am taking it one day at a time.
I will let you know if i can figure out the date
luv,
LISA

Thanks Lisa,
No hurry, just curious.
Hey, we all get pain from time to time,sounds like you used the vikes wisely,like you should.Not like me downing all 16 T2's(it still sounds pathetic-T2'S!).Goes to show how far I've come lol.Yes, the waves,can't stand the feeling-one minute I'm shaking,nervous, jumpy,next,I feel fine,then back to almost jumping out of my skin.And I wish I could just fall asleep on my own...Hang in there,I'm hangin with ya
Hugs,Stacie

Today is, if my dates are right, is day 52....
I'm hanging in there...feeling down today, it is just one of them days!!! :yawn:
luv,
LISA

Lisa

It's only for today.................. you can do that!

Y

Hey Stacie, Give it time girl it takes awhile for your body t funtion normal again. Because we have different brain chems each body respons different anti-depressents talk to your doctor about it try some herb teas there are tons of web sights here that will tell you what each herb dose for your bodt except if you take anti-depresants stay away from St. Johns Wort. defenit no no.
Goddess Bless
Stacey

Hey there --
I went through the same things when I came off methadone. Someone sent me this link: http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm . It's to a site called the Living Center, and a page on Post Acute Withdrawal. I hope it helps shed some light on what you're going through as it did for me... I was in such a fog, I thought I had brain damage.
My sleep patterns are still not normal, and it has been 8 months. I too had to go on atidepressants, and once we found the right ones, it made a big difference. However, the rest will just come when it comes, I guess. I struggle with little bouts with the depression still, and my memory lags. I'm waiting for my sense of humor to come back to what it used to be too.
Hang in there -- people keep telling me it gets better!
-- Alissa