Ok, I just told my first potential sexual partner since i contracted herpes that i have it... it was really hard! Does it get easier over time? Did you all have the hardest time the first time, but it got easier? I'm just curious. I mean, I've told people I have it... but just telling the person in the situation was really hard... I dunno. Was just curious for your input :bouncing: Thanks!

What did the person say when you disclosed the information?? For me it was easier over time...the first person I told was such an a$$ about it...the next time I told I took the "Look I Got this..so what do you want to do approach" This person was understanding and basically didn't even get bothered by it.

he was really cool about it, and really sympathetic. we aren't going to have any sexual relations due to it, but thats fine with me. :)

For me, I've had to break the news with two potential lovers. They both learned more about herpes and they decided that I was worth the risk and didn't have a problem with it. Believe me, it doesn't get any easier!

Currently I'm seeing a terrific guy who doesn't have herpes and he loves everything about me. We have been having "relations" for about 6 months and we are talking about making a commitment soon. Oh by the way, we have a glorious s*x life and are intimate in many ways!

I think there is a compassionate way of letting your potential partner know about your condition before you both go to the next step in your relationship. Coming on gang busters hasn't worked for me but making my potential partner my number one priority in educating him and letting him not get hurt by contracting herpes ... making him know that you are looking out for him ... he can then trust you and going to the next step is easier for him. If it's only a "one night stand" for him anyway, then you will know right away!

Hope this helped!

LOL...coming on gang busters...yeah that's funny...if you want to call it that. :D The first time I told someone it was REALLY hard for me to tell the person. I had known them for a very long time...and he had proclaimed this never dying love for me. I hadn't told anyone and knew I needed to tell this guy. I NEVER ever had s*x with him nor did I come close to it. When it came time to fess up. I called him told him and waited for a response. I told him everything the doctor told me. The guy basically did everything short of telling me to drop dead for dating him for 3 months and letting him propose and blah blah blah..he basically said yeah I want you but not with that cause you are damaged goods. My ego, heart, emotions, etc were shattered...which lead me to this board several months ago. After that...yes I took the approach of placing my own feelings first when I told someone. If I were decent enough to disclose the information the least someone could do is be mature about the way they receive it.

I later met a great guy...told him in my gang buster way. He accepted it and here we are. My approach the second time worked for me because I had conditioned my mind to say look it ain't that serious...so if he runs then cool...so when I presented it to him..I presented it in the same manner. No I didn't say here it is bam what are you going to do..but I was very matter of fact about it and I let him know I was cool with whatever he decided...he actually told me he liked the way I told him..it didn't scare him cause I wasn't scared myself.

I wonder if it might get easier over time, I feel I could tell a potential partner now much easier than I could a few years ago (one good part about getting older??). [But it might be just because it easy to think that it might be now that I am in a long term relationship :) ]

And I totally agree with whoever said it will make it easy to find someone who really cares about you vs. someone who just in it for the physical stuff. I found that although it was beyond difficult to tell my current partner six years ago, it certainly brought us closer together FAST. We both had to deal with this in an open and honest way. It lead to a lot more talking, a lot of talking, and talking...

What I don't get is what the big deal is. I mean it's the same virus as the virus that causes cold sores around your mouth. I can't see why people make such a big deal over genital herpes. You wouldn't kiss someone with a cold sore, but you wouldn't tell them to take a hike either. Why should genital herpes be any different? It's the exact same virus. The difference being one is above the belt line, and the other is below the belt line. Both can be transmitted to other people in the exact same manner. And cold sores can be transmitted to the genitals through oral sex, or by hand, and vice versa.

I just don't see why some people freak out when they hear they have it, or when they hear that their partner has it. Lack of education on the subject I guess... and the stigma associated with it. But then again, if it's a stigma, then one would think that anyone who has a cold sore on their mouth would be treated equally as a pariah.

What I don't get is what the big deal is. I mean it's the same virus as the virus that causes cold sores around your mouth. I can't see why people make such a big deal over genital herpes. You wouldn't kiss someone with a cold sore, but you wouldn't tell them to take a hike either. Why should genital herpes be any different? It's the exact same virus. The difference being one is above the belt line, and the other is below the belt line. Both can be transmitted to other people in the exact same manner. And cold sores can be transmitted to the genitals through oral sex, or by hand, and vice versa.

I just don't see why some people freak out when they hear they have it, or when they hear that their partner has it. Lack of education on the subject I guess... and the stigma associated with it. But then again, if it's a stigma, then one would think that anyone who has a cold sore on their mouth would be treated equally as a pariah.

Actually oral and genital herpes are not "exactly" the same virus. They are referred to as herpes simplex I and simplex II respectively. Simplex II which is the one usually confined to the genitals is much more virulent and causes considerably more problems than simplex I which is most often a solitary sore found on or near the mouth. Simplex II is often discribed as an "outbreak" for the reason that many lesions will appear at once.

I would imagine that one of the reasons genital herpes is such a big deal is d/t the fact that you must abstain from sex during an outbreak which can last several weeks. This is not so with a cold sore. Luckily with todays medicine, outbreaks can be confined to a week or less.

Leora

Yes Leora is right. Two different viruses, usually, as most genital herpes is caused by HSV2 (though HSV1 is increasing) and the vast majority of oral herpes is caused by HSV1. They are two different viruses that have evolved to live in different locations. The reason why HSV2 is probably seen as a bigger deal are:

1. Genital area = more stigma than oral disease
2. An STD = more stigma than HSV1 which many people contract from family members in childhood
3. HSV2 genitally recurs more often than HSV1 orally or genitally - most people with HSV1 (maybe 70%) DON'T get recurrent outbreaks. Those that do can, if infected orally, expect an outbreak maybe once a year, on average. Those infected with HSV1 genitally can expect an outbreak maybe once every other year. This can be contrasted with HSV2 genitally, where 95% of people will get recurrent outbreaks (we used to think the figures were lower and that many people were asymptomatic, but it seems rather that they were mildly symptomatic...) and the outbreaks will be around 4-6 a year. There will also be significantly more asymptomatic shedding than with genital HSV1 (although interestingly, perhaps not less than with ORAL HSV1). Although, most people who get HSV2 orally, which is rare, NEVER have another outbreak and there is very little asymptomatic shedding.
4. 66-80% of the population have oral HSV1 compared to 17-25% with HSV2. So a majority have HSV1 whilst a minority have HSV2.
5. Genital herpes can in rare cases be transmitted to a baby if its mother has an outbreak at the time of giving birth, and can, in a worst case scenario, be fatal for the child.

All this said, there is no "good" or "bad" virus as some people can be hardly bothered by HSV2 and others suffer severely with HSV1, even genitally, where it is supposed to be less virulent.

And one proviso: you can have sex if you have a cold sore, yep and that's another reason for less stigma but you should NOT perform oral sex at that time!